We have known each other for six months, and recently there have been some minor conflicts. How should we manage our friendship?

Hello, question asker!

I get it. I was supposed to celebrate a friend's birthday today, but she said she wanted to spend the evening with her husband. It's a bummer when that happens. If you're planning to spend time with your husband, you should cancel your plans with the friend in advance. It's a nice gesture on the part of your friend.

If they don't appreciate it, that's fine, but they shouldn't agree to cancel a meeting in the future. This not only shows a lack of regard for your friendship, but also a low level of emotional intelligence.

Let's work through this together.

You've been friends with your colleague for about six months. Your friend is a great talker, but she does gossip about people behind their backs. You're the type of person who goes with the flow and has a good sense of boundaries in relationships.

Your friend is obviously married, but she's still cheating spiritually, maintaining an online relationship with a netizen that's lasted three or four years. She's very willful with the object of her online relationship and loses her temper at will.

You feel like your current relationship with her is similar to her relationship with her online love interest. You think both were set up to fulfill a certain need in her heart. So, you're worried that your friend will treat you the same way as her online love interest someday.

After looking into your situation, we found that you feel insecure in your relationships, afraid of being abandoned, and of not being respected. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, this is a normal feeling. Everyone needs normal, reasonable, and healthy interpersonal relationships, while friends who are negative and transmit negative energy need to be kept at an appropriate distance.

From what you've told me, it seems like you're on the right track when it comes to making friends. It's not easy to find people who share your outlook on life and connect with you on a deep level. Since ancient times, people in the know have said that while there are plenty of acquaintances out there, it's rare to find someone who truly gets you.

It's good to have one close friend in life. It's best to make friends with fate, be sincere with friends, and maintain a certain distance, which is the basis for maintaining a friendship.

If you feel you could do with some help making friends, you can also read Carnegie's "The Weakness of Human Nature" or go to the Yixinli Book Club to listen to related books.

Wishing you all the best!

My name is Chu Mingdeng, and I just wanted to say that I love you, the world.

Hello, question asker! I've read your question and I think you're really lovely. I believe you should be the kind of person that many people like. However, you've hidden your true self. On the surface, you always seem indifferent and unapproachable, but inside, you're afraid of losing friends. I'm a little sea anemone float, a psychological counselor intern, here to help you analyze the situation and give you some advice. I hope I can help you!

First, we all meet lots of people in our lives. Most of them we pass by, 10% become our acquaintances, 5% become our dear friends, and 0.0000001% become our lifelong friends.

Second, where do you think this friend will fall on the scale? The truth is, you think she's great! You enjoy chatting with her on video, and she brightens your day. You're really grateful to her, but have you ever asked her how she feels and what she thinks of you?

Third, apart from chatting on video, has he ever helped you out with anything practical at work or given you guidance in your personal life, or been there for you when you needed help?

In the fourth article, you mentioned that she told you that you were her best friend, and that you occasionally bought her small things. Has she ever returned the favor and bought you small gifts? You know that she loves to gossip and badmouth people behind their backs. You also do the same. Do you think that if you are her best friend, you would badmouth her?

5. He tells you that she has a mental affair partner, and that she worships him like a dog. You are afraid that she will treat you the same way as she treats him. But you have the power to choose how you want to be treated. If you don't worship him, will she have the chance to treat you that way? A two-way relationship is called friendship, while a one-way relationship is called donation or poverty alleviation.

6. I think he's trying to show off his charm and imply that he allows you to grovel at his feet too. It seems like you don't have much experience in the world, but that's okay! There's a term on the Internet that I'm sure you've heard: "protect against fire, theft, and girlfriends." She's married and you're not, so I don't think he'll let you meet his husband.

7. You're so generous! You're new to the social scene and eager to make friends. It's great that you want to celebrate your friend's birthday, but it's also important to consider whether she feels the same way. It seems like you treat her as a friend, but she doesn't treat you the same way. You haven't worked together for half a year, and there's no major interest in common, so it's hard to see someone's true heart.

8. She may be close to you only because she envies your youthful beauty. She talks behind your back, but she is just jealous. You have stolen the limelight from her at work, and she pretends to be on good terms with you while belittling you to find a sense of superiority among your colleagues. Don't blame me for being heartless, I have also been influenced by the social environment.

It's so great that you're grateful for the guidance of others when you first enter the workplace! Your attitude really does determine your level of success. I can see why you feel like she's distancing herself from you. It's hard to know whether she's using you or just being professional, but either way, there's no reason for her to get close to you.

I really hope my thoughts don't upset you. It's just that the reality of society can be so harsh. You can keep an innocent heart and become hardened through trials, but it's so important to know how to protect yourself.

I really hope your future is going to be bright!

Hello!

Host:

Hi, I'm Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I've read your post and I can really feel how worried you are.

I also want to say how brave you are for sharing your feelings and looking for help. I'm sure it will help you understand yourself and your friends better and help you to adjust.

I'd also like to share some of my thoughts and observations from the post, which I hope will help you to see things from a different perspective.

1. It's so important to take care of ourselves first!

The post has observed some of the ways you interact with your friend, and also noted your concern that your friend may treat you the same way she treated her unfaithful partner in the future. I totally get where you're coming from!

So now let's take a look at how we can face these worries together.

I think the first thing we can do is learn to test reality and see if our friends' behavior towards us is like that towards their partners. Sometimes our thoughts are just our thoughts, and they are not necessarily objective facts.

On the other hand, it's important to remember that we can't control how others treat us. What we can do is take care of ourselves and try to be the best person we can be!

So, in all our relationships, it's really important to take care of ourselves first. If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be able to take care of our friends properly.

On the other hand, when we put ourselves first, if our friends hurt us, we can also respond in time to avoid being overly hurt. It's so important to take care of ourselves!

2. It's so important to try to express our feelings.

In the original post, the poster mentioned that it was their birthday today and that they had originally planned to celebrate it in the evening. I said last night that I would go over to see them tonight, but they said they were going out to dinner with their husband tonight. I can imagine how you must be feeling right now.

I was going to spend her birthday with her, but she said no. I guess she didn't understand how we felt.

I totally get why she wants her husband to be with her on her birthday. It's just that our hearts may also be hurt.

What do you think about this situation? We could try expressing our feelings to show ourselves what we're feeling.

Of course, we can also look for a suitable opportunity to express ourselves.

There are also skills involved in expressing yourself. I think the original poster would really benefit from checking out the expression techniques in "Nonviolent Communication." I think it would be so inspiring and rewarding for her! Many people may also worry about what happens if they can't be friends anymore after expressing their feelings.

I just want to say that if the relationship is so fragile that it can't handle a little disagreement, then it's not really a relationship, is it?

3. We are responsible for our own expectations.

From reading the post, I can tell that the poster has some expectations of her friends. For example, she wants to celebrate a friend's birthday and she's hoping her friend will be happy to join in. Of course, it's not that our expectations are bad, it's just that we can all do with taking a deep breath and remembering that we need to take responsibility for our expectations and our emotions.

It's totally normal for us to have some expectations of our friends. And it's also totally okay to let our friends not meet our expectations. When we have this kind of mentality, we can be more peaceful when faced with friends who don't meet our expectations.

That's why it's so important to remember that when friends have expectations of us, we don't have to sacrifice ourselves to meet them.

Such a relationship can be really relaxed and carefree, which is great!

I really hope these ideas will be helpful and inspiring for you!

Dear Question Asker, From your description, it seems that you feel somewhat adrift because yesterday she declined your invitation to celebrate her birthday with you, instead going out with her husband. It seems like you feel a sense of alienation.

I can appreciate that this sense of emptiness must be challenging to navigate.

I hope that I can examine this matter further with you and identify ways to achieve a more balanced situation.

It would be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of the relationship with your friend and become more aware of it.

From your description, it is evident that you are displaying indifference, yet you have indicated to her that you consider yourselves to be "best friends." There are other factors that appear to be influencing your relationship.

There have been some minor conflicts between you recently, which have subsided. However, there seems to be a sense of letting go in your mentality of "letting nature take its course."

Furthermore, you appear to have difficulty accepting that your colleague would engage in behind-the-back criticism, even if the criticism is warranted. However, you also recall instances where your colleague has provided positive feedback, and you are able to accept that.

You disapprove of your colleagues' unfaithfulness, but you also understand their perspective. You believe it is a challenging situation, and you are concerned that you may become the target of their infidelity.

These thoughts create a sense of distance, as though you are constantly defending against something while also seeking closeness. This dynamic may contribute to ongoing conflict and difficulty in fostering a positive relationship between colleagues.

The feelings of being moved can alter the perception of being "indifferent," potentially transforming her into your "best friend."

Gain insight into how their positive influence impacts your relationship and identify your personal resources.

Please describe the rationale behind your decision to "go with the flow." Have you lost the motivation to take the initiative to maintain this relationship?

Take the time to experience the sense of self-giving in the relationship and become aware of the driving force.

What is the underlying strength that enables you to choose to overlook her inappropriate behavior of judging others behind their backs and continue to maintain a relationship with her?

Determine whether your primary concern is the positive sentiment conveyed by her words or the underlying needs that drive you.

Is there a greater likelihood that she will engage in infidelity, or is it more probable that you will act in such a manner?

Take the time to identify the source of your anxiety and gain a deeper understanding of your concerns.

Once you have had the opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of the issues involved, you will be in a position to establish and protect your self-boundaries.

The aforementioned experience is designed to facilitate a comprehensive analysis and exploration of the underlying message, enabling a clear understanding of the true inner needs—specifically, the need for this relationship, which must necessarily include your boundaries.

Your query pertains to the management of a friendship. In order to maintain a friendship, what boundaries do you believe are necessary?

Should you consider her attitude towards family members?

Should I consider her personal life issues?

Should I consider breaching the ethical standards set out in the code of conduct?

If the purpose of friendship is sincere and relaxed interactions, is it unreasonable for her to go out with her husband on her birthday? If you are concerned about her positive attraction to you, do you need to care about things you consider inappropriate?

Should this be discussed with her in a generous and natural way, or simply avoided? If you are unable to accept yourself as the object of someone else's spiritual infidelity, what are your concerns?

Ultimately, your behavior is determined by your own inner needs. I hope that through reflection, you can gain a deeper understanding of your true self and respect boundaries as a fundamental aspect of the relationship, allowing you to build a genuine connection with her.

We frequently allow our lives to become imbalanced due to a lack of self-awareness. I believe that any complex relationship can achieve a healthy resolution through the process of self-discovery.

I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you that I love you and the world loves you too. I hope this little bit of inspiration helps.

You're looking for ways to make your friendship even stronger! You say you've been getting along well, that you've known each other for half a year, and that there have been some recent frictions.

I can tell you really care about this relationship! You're moved by the videos she sends you and you get angry when she speaks ill of you behind your back.

You're worried that she'll treat you like the person she cheated on, not caring about you and treating you casually. You're afraid of becoming a dog that licks! You gave another example to illustrate that she didn't agree to the date you proposed to celebrate her birthday with her, but chose to spend it with her husband instead. You feel that she's distanced herself from you, but you can work through this!

Absolutely! You should definitely pay more attention to your emotions and feelings, learn to meet your own needs, and take care of yourself.

Second, learn to view a person objectively. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and no one is perfect—and that's what makes us all unique!

She is eloquent and likes to express her care for you, and she likes to video chat with you. In your description, these are her strengths. But she likes to talk about other people behind their backs, and she is married but still has an affair partner. These are her weaknesses, and they may be difficult for you to accept.

Finally, lower your expectations of others. Sometimes you hold high expectations of others, and you face disappointment and anger. You feel that you have given a lot to her, but you have not received a corresponding return. But don't fret! This is an opportunity to learn and grow.

You want to be friends with her because you like her! It's as simple as that.

Best of luck!