What is the automatic thinking behind the husband and wife language?

Good morning, host. I am pleased to have this opportunity to respond to your question. Your information provides a comprehensive overview of the dynamics of a family unit comprising a husband, wife, and children.

These seemingly ordinary scenes reflect the different motives of the family members.

It is evident that the father assisted his son with his handicrafts, instructed his wife to return, helped his child bathe, provided his wife with bread, and deliberately reminded her that it was she who had eaten the child's bread. By portraying his wife as the family's rat, these actions demonstrate that the husband is targeting his wife.

At one point, he even encouraged the child to attack his wife together.

I am concerned about the atmosphere of anxiety and fear in this family, and I do not feel safe in this environment. It seems that the husband is attempting to prove his strength by attacking his wife.

Individuals with low self-esteem and high sensitivity levels may engage in aggressive behavior towards objects in their environment when they perceive external pressure. This is often a means of demonstrating their own strength and relieving the pressure caused by the environment. In such instances, the wife is frequently the target of this aggression, even when there is no apparent reason for it.

The table describes two details. The wife initiated a discussion by questioning her husband's approach to supporting the children with their homework. The husband provided a detailed explanation.

It is evident that he assisted the children with their handicrafts, thereby indicating that his wife had no role in this activity. Your actions appeared to be aimed at fostering a united front among the children against your wife. This prompted the wife to respond, exposing the husband's underlying motive to unite the children against her.

In the second episode, the husband states that there are mice in the house. The wife responds by admonishing her husband, but her tone is relatively mild. The husband's subsequent response is to defuse the situation in a seemingly humorous way.

It appears that this mode of communication between the husband and wife has not resulted in any adverse effects on the child. It is essential to regulate the extent of this kind of conflict so that the child is not placed in a position where they must choose a side or face undue pressure.

A reduction in verbal aggression will facilitate greater family bonding and closeness. I am pleased to have a date for 1983. The world and I love you!

Hello!

From your description, I'm excited to learn more about the automatic thinking patterns behind the husband and wife. It's clear you've thought deeply about the current family model of getting along. I'm guessing you've also inferred the model of getting along between husband and wife because of this scenario. This includes the wife's emotional description and intentions, but there's no description of the husband's thoughts and intentions.

To know their respective automatic thoughts, we can only judge based on your current description, and the accuracy is questionable. For the wife's automatic thought at noon, the guilt of feeling that she did not return home in time will lead to flattery to gain understanding, while the husband's response pattern may be showing off, blaming, or maybe not here. It is impossible to accurately judge – but isn't it fascinating to try?

In response to her husband's suspected accusations, the wife will attack to deflect the unfavorable situation. However, the husband's response may be due to self-blame, remorse, or the belief that he really didn't do a good job, etc. This is an excellent opportunity for him to reflect on his actions and strive to do better next time! The husband's various expressions and behaviors are inaccurate. This is a chance for him to recognize his mistakes and work on improving his communication skills.

It's great to see the couple trying to take the child's side in their relationship to gain the child's support! It's important to resolve the couple's mutual accusations between you. If you involve the child, it will give the child a choice and help them feel like they can please you.

It's a great idea for couples to be more honest with each other. For instance, when the wife gets home, she can say she's sorry and explain why she was late, and then praise her husband for being so helpful. And it's a wonderful thing for kids to do their homework by themselves. When parents are too involved, it can make kids think that they're the reason their homework isn't done.

I really hope this is helpful! Best regards!

Greetings.

What is the motivation behind the husband's words? What is the underlying thought process?

What are the emotional states and the underlying beliefs?

In the initial scenario,

The husband engages in the production of handicrafts with the child and subsequently initiates a communication with his wife, yet fails to provide an explanation for his actions.

Despite her enthusiastic interaction with her husband, he does not respond.

The husband's assertion that the wife lacks manual skills evokes a sense of unease in the wife.

The second scene presents a further example of the dynamics observed in the preceding scene.

The wife consumes the remaining bread, while the husband prompts the child to do the same.

The child searches for the bread, and the husband provides him with the new bread but not the ham sausage that the wife had requested.

In the third scenario,

The husband indicates the presence of mice in the domicile, yet the wife is unable to discern the rationale behind this assertion. Additionally, the husband alludes to the consumption of a portion of the tofu in the kitchen.

The husband then asserted that the mouse was with you (between the child and the wife), which the wife perceived as a threat.

The questioner presents three family scenarios, each of which revolves around the husband-child-wife relationship model. It appears that in the presence of the child, the husband is expected to maintain a "perfect" image, demonstrating meticulous care and attention to the child and the ability to meet the child's needs. However, when the wife seeks to express intimacy with the child, the husband's attitude becomes less clear, and he displays a rejecting attitude, which makes the wife feel rejected and hinders her ability to maintain her image in front of the child.

To illustrate, when the husband engages in handicrafts with the children, although he makes his attitude clear, his behavior indicates a rejection of communication with his wife, who returns home late and provides a rationale for her absence, thereby transferring the pressure to the children. When the wife resolves the conflict through her wisdom, the focus shifts to the children's homework, and he relaxes and shifts his attention.

Scenarios 2 and 3 illustrate the dynamics between a husband and wife. The husband appears displeased or disapproving of his wife's consumption of the child's bread or tofu in the kitchen. However, he refrains from directly confronting her, instead expressing his disagreement in a lighthearted manner. Nevertheless, this indirect approach has inadvertently placed undue pressure on his wife, particularly in the presence of the child. The role conflict experienced by the wife—neither able to fully express her inner dissatisfaction nor to demonstrate generosity simultaneously—creates an underlying tension between the two.

In all three scenarios, it is evident that the husband holds the family in high regard. However, he employs a distinctive approach to parenting and household management. He aspires to achieve a balance in these domains and to be acknowledged by his family members for his efforts. Nevertheless, the husband's meticulous and structured approach occasionally contrasts with the wife's relaxed and unstructured style. This discrepancy may evoke emotional responses in the husband, yet he tends to refrain from expressing his emotions. This may be attributed to his personality and the influence of his family of origin (although he may not be conscious of this). Instead of discussing issues with his wife and making joint decisions, he tends to address them independently, which can lead to interpersonal conflicts and delays in resolution. These challenges may intensify into internalized conflicts within the couple.

The behavior of one family member will elicit a reaction from another. For example, if the husband refuses to express and communicate, the wife will feel depressed, which will inevitably accumulate negative emotions. This is not conducive to the normal functioning of the family and is even more detrimental to the child's growth environment. If the husband's intention is to belittle and disrespect his wife's position and maintain her image, it will be difficult for the wife to fulfill her responsibilities, and she will also have many emotional problems.

It is recommended that, should a problem be identified in the current mode of familial interaction, communication should be conducted in an open and timely manner. One potential solution is the implementation of a weekly family meeting, during which each member can express their genuine feelings and articulate the challenges and confusion they face, while also receiving understanding and support from other members. This approach has the potential to strengthen familial bonds, fostering a sense of reliability and trust within the family unit, which may in turn reduce feelings of isolation.

Best wishes for future success!

The family is a whole, and everyone is part of the system, so I don't look at each person individually. I look at the family as a whole.

It seems like this family is pretty entangled. The husband and wife aren't very close, and it looks like they're somewhat estranged. I think there's a bit of competition in the family, and it seems like the parents are actually competing with each other for power and the love of their children.

If a couple neglects each other and doesn't respond positively to each other's needs, they'll often try to get that kind of positive response from their kids.

Another thing to look out for is triangulation, where each parent tries to get the child to side with them against the other. When the child sides with one parent, the other parent sees this as an attack or betrayal. This doesn't help the parents solve their problems, it just makes them more complicated.

This indirect joint confrontation is when parents make their children responsible for their difficulties to lighten the load on their relationship.

The third person to be brought into the equation is the child, which puts them in a very disadvantaged position. The child can't just be a child; they become a weapon and tool for attacks from one party. The child is forced to become a party in the alliance against the other family member, which puts a certain amount of pressure on them.

If parents want to make their family more harmonious and raise their children well, they need to change this family dynamic and not involve their kids in the power struggles in their relationship. They should adopt newer, more effective ways of negotiating and cooperating, starting with the partner who is first aware of the problem.

You were the first to notice that something was off with the family dynamic, so you should probably start with you. Focus on improving your relationship with your spouse. Try to see each other in a more positive light and respond to each other in a way that makes you both feel good.

Try it for a month and then evaluate it. Keep making improvements and correcting mistakes until we've got a family model that works for everyone. Kids are just kids. If we stop pulling them in different directions, they'll be happy.

I don't have a lot of experience in this area, but this is how I see your family model. I hope it's helpful.

From what I can gather from the host's description, it seems that the husband's status in this family may not be as elevated as it could be.

It might be the case that the husband is more attentive to the child than the wife, and that the wife is the one who makes the decisions in the family.

It would seem that the wife's attention is best captured by the child, who is the central figure in the family.

As a result, whenever the husband has any demands, complaints, or anger, he will use the child as a means of subtly expressing them to his wife.

1. It seems that the husband would like his wife to participate in the children's activities with him, possibly motivated by a desire to be seen and to be accompanied.

In this scenario, the husband accompanies the child to complete the handicraft. The wife returns home. The husband, eager to see the finished product, opens the door to find the handicraft they have made. The wife, understanding why her husband called her back, decides not to return immediately. The husband, not having specified what he wanted her to do when she came back, waits patiently.

Upon her return, she was able to understand the situation. Perhaps feeling some degree of guilt, she spoke to her husband in a warm and reassuring manner, but he did not respond, so she decided to stop. After a brief period of time, her husband made a remark to the air as he walked away, stating, "Today's handicraft doesn't have mom's." When his wife heard this, she felt a slight sense of unease and apprehension, wondering if her child had not mentioned this before. However, now that her husband had brought it to her attention, she was hopeful that her child might bring it up.

After hearing what his father said, the child approached his mother and asked her to create a new character for him. His wife considered the situation and asked her husband, in a calm and respectful manner, if he had mentioned the teacher's extensive homework assignments.

The husband began to explain, and the child also expressed his frustration to his mother in a quiet, angry tone, indicating that he was not willing to comply.

The wife gently reassured her child, suggesting that there was no need to do the exercises, but she was aware that her husband would likely encourage him to complete them.

From this passage, we can see that the husband was hoping his wife would be willing to spend time with the children doing arts and crafts.

However, as he did not bring it up directly, his wife did not respond to his request to hurry back.

Upon understanding her husband's perspective, the wife realizes that he is expressing frustration.

However, the husband is reluctant to express his anger directly, but instead chooses to express his dissatisfaction with his wife by not responding and giving his children indirect reminders.

He may feel that if he expresses his dissatisfaction directly, it may lead to greater conflict, but if he uses the child to express it, the wife may not be so angry. The child can act as a mediator in the conflict between husband and wife.

Rather than a direct confrontation from her husband, the wife may perceive an indirect attack from the child, which could prompt a defensive response. The couple may appear composed, but underlying resentment could be present.

From this, we can see that the husband would like his wife to be more involved in the education and companionship of the children, and that he is seeking equality, respect, and a sense of being seen.

However, it is possible that his needs may have been thwarted since childhood, which could explain his reluctance to bring them up directly. It is also understandable that he may have the automatic thinking that he doesn't deserve it, that he is afraid of conflict, and that he needs a better excuse, the children, to achieve his goal.

It might be helpful for the wife to reflect on her role and influence within the family.

If that is the case, it may be helpful to consider whether it would be beneficial to have more control over certain aspects of their lives.

If you find yourself facing criticism from your child or your husband, it may be a sign that your authority is being questioned.

The rationale behind this alternative strategy was to reclaim the initiative and exert control.

It is possible that the wife's motive was to highlight her position in the family and enjoy the cult of value within the family.

2. It seems that the husband may be engaging in a dispute between the child and the wife, possibly as a means of expressing a concern or grievance.

In the second scenario, the child gave half of the bread it had eaten to the mother before the father gave the child a bath. The mother was drinking hot milk at the time and ate the bread without thinking, assuming that the child would ask for a new bag when it came out of the bath. After the child finished bathing, it had already forgotten about it, but the husband reminded him specifically that he had eaten the bread he had just eaten.

At this point, the child began to look for the bread he had left behind. He no longer remembered where he had put it, but suddenly remembered that he had given it to his mother, so he asked her for it. At this point, his mother was aware that it would be best not to tell him that she had eaten it, as he might become upset. She gently encouraged him and suggested that perhaps it was on the living room table.

He politely requested that his father get him some sausages on the way. His father kindly brought him a new loaf of bread, but unfortunately, no sausages.

The wife was somewhat uneasy when she observed that the child had only taken the new bread, wondering if the matter would still be pursued. However, she discovered that the child had already moved on. At this juncture, she surmised that her husband might have intentionally provided only bread, hoping the child would realize there was no more.

The wife gently encouraged her husband to get the ham for the child, and the child politely urged him along, so that he went and got the ham for the child again.

While the husband was bathing the child, the wife consumed the milk and the child's leftover bread.

It's possible that the husband felt that he was working hard while his wife was enjoying herself.

However, he was unable to directly state that he was bathing the child, and his wife was seemingly uninvolved and still appeared well-fed. Therefore, he used the child as an opportunity to try to create some challenges for his wife and take a small step towards addressing his concerns about her.

The wife, in a surprising turn of events, once again placed the blame on her husband and requested that he procure bread and ham for the children.

This back-and-forth dynamic suggests that the husband's concerns have manifested in the form of indirect criticism. It's possible that the wife may not have fully recognized these concerns, leading to a sense of being attacked and a subsequent defensive response.

It seems that both the husband and the wife are defensive and offensive.

It is possible that the husband's motive is to be fair, while the wife's motive may be to gain an advantage.

3. The wife may feel that her husband is belittling her in front of the children, which could be perceived as an attempt to undermine her status in the family.

In scenario three, the husband informs his wife that he has noticed some evidence of mice in the house. His wife inquires as to whether he is being entirely serious. He responds calmly, explaining that a small amount of tofu in the kitchen has been consumed.

The wife realized that her husband was talking about her, so she responded in a rather abrupt manner. The husband then said to his wife and child, "The mouse is here with you."

It's possible that the child didn't fully comprehend the situation and didn't inquire further. However, the husband felt that his words were misinterpreted and that his image was deliberately undermined in front of his child. It's understandable that his words were misheard or misunderstood. Initially, his wife didn't realize the implications of his statement and assumed that he was simply stating the truth. As a result, she didn't anticipate that her husband wanted to convey that he was the one who needed to improve and that he didn't intend to belittle himself in front of his child.

It could be said that the image of a rat is not one that is held in high esteem.

It is possible that the husband is attempting to diminish his wife's role in the family by drawing a comparison between her and a mouse.

It seems that the children are unable to understand what their father is saying, although their mother is able to communicate with them.

It seems that the husband's intention may not be to damage his wife's image in the children's eyes, but rather to achieve inner balance by belittling his wife's sense of superiority in the family.

It is possible that the husband's motivation is to improve his status in the family and to be valued and respected.

From the above three points, it can be seen that in this family, the husband plays a very active role, assisting with the children's homework and handicrafts, bathing the children, running errands for them, and possibly cooking.

It would seem that the wife has authority over the husband and enjoys absolute authority in the family.

It seems that the husband is struggling to find his place in this family dynamic. This may be leading him to seek dominance over his wife.

It is possible that even if his bargaining chip is placed on the children, it may not achieve the desired goal. This could result in him feeling somewhat suppressed.

If the wife can perceive this and give the husband more praise and affirmation, so that he feels that what he does in the family is worthwhile and not forced or unnoticed, it may help to reduce his grievances and resolve his aggression in a way that gives him a sense of existence within the family.

It is my sincere hope that the above reply will help to clarify the situation for the original poster.

My name is Yan Guilai, and I'm a psychological counselor. I hope you find this message helpful.

Hi, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun here.

1. Textual information is often biased because the other person will interpret the meaning of what is being expressed using their own perspective and feelings. For example, "While walking, the husband talked to the air," which I would interpret as the husband's "sense of humor."

Another example is when a wife is "full of guilt" and "speaks to her husband with enthusiasm." This is different from the previous situation where "the wife understands why her husband is calling her back, but she doesn't come back." I see a conflict here, which reflects the wife's "avoidance" and "resistance" to intimacy.

When a child is doing handicrafts with their parents, it feels like a very warm scene, whether it's homework arranged by the teacher or just family time. But why does the wife resist?

Why can't a husband and wife just be open with each other? Instead, they "hide ulterior motives" — each has their own thoughts, but they hide their true feelings. They obviously love each other and want a closer relationship, but they "say things that don't come from the heart" and "answer questions that aren't asked."

2. If the two sides can't communicate effectively, they're also likely to fall prey to the "information bias" mentioned in "1."

We tend to measure people and events based on our own outlook and feelings. Just as "6" might look like "9" to you, it's important to consider other perspectives and angles to avoid bias or obsession.

What do you think? What do the other people involved think?

To have more options, we need to consider different perspectives and see more of the truth.

Moreover, men and women are different in fundamental ways. For example, men tend to be more rational, while women tend to be more emotional.

Men tend to focus on one thing at a time, while women can multitask. They can knit towels, chat away, and express their emotions.

This means we have to let go of our own obsessions and not use our own standards to "guess" what the other person is thinking. The best way to avoid conflicts and solve problems is through effective communication.

Without emotions getting in the way, express your views and feelings with love and respect. Listen to the other person and work together to find a solution.

3. I'm happy to share and discuss this situation with you. It's actually about intimate relationships.

As adults, we often feel the pressure of work, life, family, and relationships. This can make us act in ways we don't mean to, hiding our true selves from others.

Such pretense will also come into play in an intimate relationship. And true intimacy means having no fear. The wife's avoidance and resistance and the husband's reserve aren't just related to the daily interaction patterns of the two parties because habits become second nature.

Because relationships are formed through the interactions between two people, whether they are intimate, maintain a comfortable sense of distance, or remain distant, it's not just about one person. It's the result of the interactions between the two.

It also has something to do with each person's original family. We often see patterns in our own marriages that mirror the intimacy and interaction patterns of our parents.

So, instead of asking this question here, it would be better to let both parties communicate and exchange. It would be good to let go of your respective "defenses" and "vigilance," remove your respective "armor," and see each other's sincerity and trust in an intimate relationship.

If one person makes a change, the other person has to make a change too so they can adapt to it. Marriage is a "duet."

I hope this is useful for you and for the world, and I wish you well.

If you'd like to keep talking, just click on "Find a Heart Exploration Coach" in the lower right corner and we can chat.

Hello, question asker! I'm just a silly old donkey, but I'm here to help!

From what I can see, the parents are really caring about their children's feelings. So when they're not happy with how the other parent is doing, they might say something to the child. The original poster might be trying to give a kind reminder, but the child might not understand what they mean. It's also normal for both husband and wife to feel like they should be open with each other. I might not say it, but you should understand. In many close relationships, we imagine the worst and get upset. I think that's normal. The more I think about it, the less it goes well, and the less it goes well, the more likely I am to get angry.

This might have an impact on the relationship between the two of you.

As a family, it's so important to have a good relationship between the husband and wife. This should be the most fundamental relationship in the family, followed by the parent-child relationship and other relationships. If things aren't going well between the two of them, it can cause conflicts and make things worse.

So, it's a great idea for the two of you to have a good, long chat. You should talk about how you feel, what you want, and how you'd like to interact with each other. It's also important to agree on some things you can both agree on. This will help you get back to the heart of your relationship.

This can be a great way to make sure that both parties are on the same page. We usually try to be as clear as possible when dealing with colleagues, so that the other person doesn't have to guess what we want them to do. It's a good idea to use this kind of clear and effective explanation in the husband-and-wife relationship to express one's expectations of the other.

This will help you and your partner avoid getting too caught up in your differences. First, it's likely to increase conflicts between the two of you. Second, it's likely to drain your energy from emotional consumption and unmet expectations, which will also strain the relationship between the two of you.

Secondly, it's not a good idea for parents to express their disappointment in each other in front of their kids or to use their children as a way to attack each other. This can make family conflicts worse and make kids feel sensitive, suspicious, and anxious, which isn't good for their healthy growth. When parents blame each other in front of their kids, it can feel like they're rejecting the other person, which can make kids feel bad.

Third, it's not a good idea to make the child the center of the family. This can affect the child's social skills and other empathy abilities in the long term, as well as their ability to cultivate gratitude and empathy towards their parents. So, it's probably best to be careful!

Fourth, it's a great idea for couples to show more understanding for each other and to take part in their children's education and training together as much as possible. This will help children to enjoy a happy family life, to feel loved by their parents, and to see how much effort both parents have put into the family. This will make them more tolerant of each other and more understanding of each other's needs.

I really hope this helps the person who asked the question!

In the second scenario, the father is preparing to bathe the child. The child offers the mother half-eaten bread. The mother is drinking hot milk at the time and eats it without thinking, assuming that when the child emerges from the bath, he will request a new bag. After the child has finished bathing, he has already forgotten about the bread. However, his father reminds him that he has eaten the bread he gave him.

At this juncture, the child began to search for the remaining bread. He was unable to recall its location but suddenly remembered that he had given it to his mother. Consequently, he inquired about its whereabouts. At this point, his mother recognized that she could not truthfully inform him that she had consumed it, as he would likely challenge her. Therefore, she informed him that she had placed it on the table in the living room.

He requested two ham sausages from his father. His father provided only a new piece of bread, not the requested ham sausages.

The wife was somewhat uneasy when she observed that her husband had only taken the new bread, concerned that the child would persist in the matter. However, she noted that the child had already ceased to pursue it. At that moment, she pondered whether her husband had intentionally provided the child with bread alone, anticipating that the child would eventually discern that there was no more bread remaining.

The wife encouraged her husband to procure the ham for the child, and the child also urged him to do so. Consequently, he obtained the ham for the child once more.

In the third scenario, the husband informs his wife that he has observed evidence of mice in their domicile. She inquires as to the veracity of his claim, and he responds in a composed manner, stating that a portion of the tofu in the kitchen has been consumed.

The wife was aware that her husband was referring to her and admonished him slightly. The husband also informed his wife and child that the mouse was present with them.

It is possible that the child did not comprehend the situation and was not asking any questions. However, the husband felt that the husband was intentionally portraying himself in a demeaning manner in front of the child. The husband spoke in a joking manner, and the wife initially believed him to be serious. Ultimately, she failed to recognize that the husband was attempting to convey that he was a mouse and not intentionally portraying himself in a negative light in front of the child.

The preceding scenarios raise some questions.

1. It appears that the husband is intentionally inciting the child's hostility towards the mother and fostering discord between them. Otherwise, why would he reiterate the same information twice if it were merely a forgotten detail? What is the underlying rationale behind this behavior?

What is the core belief? What is the emotional motivation?

2. Is it the case that Mr. Defense is the primary architect of the policies, while Mrs. Defense is responsible for devising the corresponding countermeasures? What are the wife's underlying assumptions and thought processes?

What is the core belief? What is the emotional motivation?

3. What motivates Mr. Defense to belittle his wife's image in front of their children? It appears that his wife is highly invested in maintaining a positive image in the eyes of their children. What are the underlying reasons for this?

Does the husband, therefore, deliberately disparage his wife and attack her perceived weaknesses in order to belittle her image in the eyes of their children?

Hello, question owner!

After reading your post, I was blown away by how much you've learned and how perceptive you are. Judging from the questions you've asked,

I'm so excited to see how you're using cognitive behavioral therapy to gain insight and reflection, thereby gaining spiritual growth! First of all, I want to give you a big thumbs up!

You presented two scenarios and did an amazing job of analyzing the automatic thinking of the wife and husband through them.

You're doing great! Just by identifying your core beliefs and values and understanding your emotions, you're already showing that you're an excellent reflector. Keep up the great work!

As a counselor, I'm excited to share a few of my opinions. Please bear with me if I'm wrong:

First of all, the scenarios you mentioned are all retrospective recollections, which is great because it means you can re-respond to the situation and experience the emotions involved.

And the best part is, you can gain a relatively objective answer by understanding the motives, needs, and core values behind emotions!

If we are not the topic owner, it's a great opportunity to let go of our own assumptions and inferences and see things from a different perspective. It's a chance to connect with the thoughts and feelings of the person concerned in a new way.

And the emotions and core values behind them have little to do with it?

Second, as the father of the child and as a husband, we have the amazing opportunity to consider what he says! In addition to the true intention,

There may be other meanings behind his words! For example, he might just be joking with his children.

For example, if he compares his wife to a "mouse" that steals food, just interacts with the children in a playful way, and clearly states that a piece of tofu is missing,

And what were you thinking?

Once again, here's something really important for you to think about:

Let's explore this further! What kind of automatic thinking makes you imagine your husband as someone who might attack and hurt you?

What if these thoughts are just your own projections?

Also, when your husband says something that irritates you, what is the emotion of your emotional response? What is the emotional feeling? It's so interesting to see what comes up for us when we pay attention!

Anger? Depression?

Or perhaps sadness? Or frustration?

I'm excited to help you identify the unmet needs behind these emotions!

And there's more! If your thoughts about your husband are based on your own assumptions,

Now, think about what kind of unmet need is behind your assumptions and doubts, and why you are so protective of yourself!

Finally, I would like to confess that I am very sorry that I cannot answer your doubts and confusions one by one. But don't worry! If you want to identify your automatic thinking,

And the emotions, beliefs, etc. behind automatic thinking. You should definitely consider professional counseling through one-on-one dialogue, where the counselor acts as

A mirror will reflect the answers you want!

Thank you so much for asking such an important and valuable question!

Hello, dear questioner!

Hello! I'm Shushan Wenquan, a heart exploration coach. Thanks so much for your question!

1. I'd love to know more about what's going on in your family!

From what you've shared, it's clear you're a very observant person when it comes to your family interactions. I'm curious, though, about which role you play in the family.

It's great to see that you've kept an open mind and been willing to reflect on how your family interacts.

At the same time, you've noticed something's not quite right in the family. You want to understand what's going on and how to improve things so everyone can interact well. You also think that the husband and wife's automatic thinking and core beliefs are key to influencing the relationship.

From what I can see in the text, it seems like there might be some hidden conflicts going on between the husband and wife in this family. These conflicts aren't really spelled out, but it's clear that they're there.

It's so sad to see that the wife feels disdain and dissatisfaction towards her husband, while the husband feels a little bit puzzled and helpless about his wife's attitude. It's heartbreaking to see that the children don't quite understand what is going on, but they know that they seem to be playing an important mediating role in the relationship.

2. Managing relationships is all about facing conflicts head-on and paying attention to the needs behind hidden conflicts.

It seems that the specific patterns and beliefs boil down to the fact that the needs of each partner are not seen by the other and not met. It's so important to understand each other's needs! Each partner feels that they are not understood and takes this understanding for granted, but it is not being given.

So, they often end up feeling like they're being ignored or that they're the ones who are wrong.

It's so important to remember that in a marriage, a win is a win-win situation. And a loss is a double loss, because nobody wins when we're both unhappy.

In a family, the marriage is the most important relationship. When parents love each other and treat each other well, it's the best environment for children to grow up in.

On the other hand, if the two partners in a marriage are always fighting for power and influence, the children may feel like they're not being loved in a healthy way.

So, no matter what kind of hidden conflict exists, it's always best for both parties to be honest with each other and communicate openly to resolve it. That's the best way to face it and deal with it!

Marriage is a two-way street. It can't be fixed by just one person trying to see their own patterns.

3. It's so important to pay attention to the source of the conflict and deal with it in a targeted manner.

In her book, the wonderful teacher Lin Wentai talks about the three main sources of conflict in a marriage:

It's so true that men and women are very different! They have different temperaments, and they also come from different families.

These are like three big hurdles that can be tough to get over.

Men are "heads" and women are "hearts," and there's a big gap to be bridged, but we can do it together!

In terms of temperament, optimists tend to view problems with an optimistic and humorous perspective, while pessimists tend to view the current situation with a worried and anxious mindset.

On top of that, we all have different habits, outlooks on life, and unfulfilled wishes from our original families. It's only natural that this can sometimes lead to a few hiccups in our relationships!

If you'd like to learn more, I'd highly recommend checking out Lin Wentai's book, Intimate Relationships. It's a great resource for understanding where most conflicts between couples come from.

A well-known study on marriage once interviewed and followed more than a thousand couples. They made two important discoveries about how to keep your marriage happy and healthy.

The first thing to remember is that, to have a happy and harmonious marriage, it's really important to learn how to deal with conflicts.

The second conclusion is that, over the course of a long marriage, it's really important for couples to develop the ability to nurture a friendship.

Let's look at it another way. If we treat our spouse as a good friend, how will we view each other and resolve problems between us?

I really hope these ideas help you figure things out! Sending you lots of love!