What is the mentality of wanting to alienate someone who is kind to me?

Good day. I extend to you a 360-degree embrace.

From your question, I understand the dilemma you are facing. It is akin to a hedgehog: there is a psychological desire to get close, but a behavioral need to stay away.

You are experiencing a conflicted emotional state, which is reflected in your statement, "I did this to hurt him." However, the underlying implication is that your decision to distance yourself has caused you distress. You have projected this psychological interpretation onto the other person, assuming that your actions have negatively impacted them. In reality, your emotional state is influenced by the fact that your act of distancing has caused you pain, or that this act has triggered an inner trauma, leading to a return of that trauma.

In accordance with the principles of human psychological development, your expressed desire for intimacy and the simultaneous conflict in avoiding it, as well as your assertion of guilt, indicate a significant possibility that you did not develop a robust sense of security during your formative years. This may have resulted in a lack of self-worth and confidence in intimate relationships. This conflicted attachment can be traced back to childhood experiences.

You are reluctant to accept the kindness of others, likely due to the perception that those who are kind to you will eventually leave. I am unaware of the circumstances of your childhood, including whether you experienced frequent changes in caregivers, a challenging living environment, or ambivalent attitudes towards you from caregivers.

The experience you have gained in this environment is that if others are accommodating, they may also be unkind. If they are agreeable now, they may be uncooperative in the future.

To avoid a negative outcome, you initially create a distance. This is a strategy for addressing potential challenges and a form of self-preservation.

However, people still desire intimacy, which may result in repeated attempts on your part.

However, you lack the courage to take the initiative further.

Furthermore, you indicate that you perceive yourself as a sinner for causing distress to the other individual. This suggests that you place a high value on yourself, above the norm.

It is often the case that individuals place a higher value on themselves than is warranted. When a relationship ends, the other person may experience a period of sadness, but this is likely to be short-lived, particularly if there is no further communication. It is unclear whether the other person contacted you, but it seems likely that, if they did, it was only at the beginning and then ceased.

However, you believe that you are at fault and have caused distress to the other party. You hold your own self-worth in high regard.

This is likely a result of your expectation that you are important to others. It may also be related to your upbringing.

I recommend scheduling an appointment with a counselor to discuss these issues in more detail.

As a counselor, I often find myself balancing Buddhist principles with a natural pessimism. However, I also recognize the value in maintaining an optimistic outlook and a genuine sense of motivation. I genuinely believe that the world is a beautiful place, and I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with others in a positive and motivating manner.