Why do I always harbor resentment towards my father and grandfather now, despite holding onto the past?

Given your extensive experience, you are aware that your past experiences have resulted in a range of negative emotions. You received minimal paternal love, and your grandfather did not provide much assistance. He consistently exacerbated the situation and contributed to your distress, displaying a lack of empathy.

At the age of seven, you were forced to cope with a lack of love and security from your father. His erratic behavior, including excessive noise and trouble after drinking, was a significant source of distress. It is difficult to comprehend how you managed to survive in such an environment.

Obsessed with the past, resentment towards father and grandfather

Grandfather and father did not have a positive relationship. Father had a tendency to drink and engage in disruptive behavior.

You were fearful when you fell and broke items in the house. Your grandfather made disparaging remarks about your father.

Resentment

The subject displays signs of annoyance.

While survival is a basic human need, self-improvement is a process that requires conscious effort. The effects of the trauma you experienced were so severe that you fell ill and required hospitalization. Additionally, your father's actions indicated a desire to remove you from the situation.

Family trauma has had a significant impact on one's confidence.

It is essential to clarify your immediate need to become independent as soon as possible.

✅✅✅Terminate your relationship with a toxic family and embrace a supportive, ethical environment.

You have a strong dislike for your father and grandfather. They have not provided you with many positive memories.

The only outcome of these circumstances is animosity. It is challenging to foster self-assurance and an optimistic outlook in such an environment. It is not surprising that you possess a highly sensitive personality with a hatred and inferiority complex. You may also experience difficulties in your relationships.

Your marital status also presents a number of challenging dimensions. You express concern that your current situation may lead to feelings of depression, which could potentially impact your future quality of life. It was also noted that you have experienced a divorce.

It is evident that there are conflicts between you, your grandfather, and your father. The situation within the family unit is untenable. The expectation of providing for the elderly through child-rearing has proven to be an unattainable goal. The lack of love and support from your family has made it impossible for them to exert any moral authority over you.

It is important to note that the actions of your father and grandfather have resulted in a reciprocal dynamic. It is advisable to prioritize your personal well-being by seeking employment and establishing independence. By removing yourself from the situation, you can better assess the underlying issues affecting your family. Additionally, undergoing a psychological assessment can provide insights into the root causes of your distress. We wish you the best in your endeavors.

Please clarify the meaning of ZQ.

Good evening. I extend my best wishes to you.

It is evident that your upbringing in the family unit was less than optimal. Neither your father nor your grandfather provided you with a sufficiently tolerant and relatively normal and uneventful environment, which ultimately led to your withdrawal, sensitivity, and lack of love, and subsequently, the failure of your marriage.

I have a question regarding your mother. You did not mention her in your previous responses.

You indicated that during your illness and hospitalization, your grandfather informed you that he had come to visit you. However, there seems to be no mention of your mother. Was she deceased at an early age, or did she divorce?

This should provide insight into the familial relationships and customs within your family.

From the information provided, it is evident that the environment created by your grandfather's authoritarianism and negative energy attacks, and your father's emotional instability, was not conducive to your growth and development as a child. Additionally, your mother and grandmother's perspectives and input seem to have been overlooked.

Let's focus on the dynamics between your grandfather, father, and you. It appears that you formed a stable triangular relationship. Your grandfather expressed discontent with your father, and his tendency to speak negatively about your father in your presence suggests that he may also have subconscious issues with his own son. Additionally, your father's alcohol use and tendency to engage in destructive behavior indicate that his relationship with your grandfather was significantly strained.

To some extent, you served as a mediator between your father and grandfather, preventing a complete breakdown in their relationship.

It is reasonable to assume that communication between your grandfather and father would be significantly affected by your absence. Even now, you have reached adulthood, entered into a marital union, initiated a divorce, and returned to your parents' residence. Based on your account, your marriage endured for approximately three and a half years, and you are currently unable to effectively manage your marital relationship, in addition to facing a personal health challenge. After you left home to pursue marriage, how did your grandfather and father cope?

Please describe the current situation. Has it improved, or is it still problematic?

It is likely that, whether as a child or now, you have been attempting to maintain the relationship between your grandfather and father, or to meet their expectations and gain their approval. You may find this difficult to accept, but this is, in fact, a reverse formation in psychoanalysis. You approve of them and maintain the stability of your family's relationship by remaining at home, avoiding work, and harbouring negative feelings towards them.

It may be helpful to consider that you are an adult and can arrange your own life. Presently, you may be concerned about your ability to support yourself and the potential outcomes for you and your family if you were to leave. This dynamic is often referred to as "killing each other while loving each other." It's possible that you may only perceive the destructive aspects and not the underlying affection. Subconsciously, you and your family member may have a strong emotional bond.

In terms of your next steps, you have the legal right to leave at any time and the practical ability to do so. However, your concerns are also valid. If you do not leave or ignore the actions of your grandfather and father—in other words, if you refuse to accept the harm they are doing and remain indifferent—you may gradually be able to break this abnormal balance.

The aforementioned opinions do not reflect your actual circumstances and are based on conjecture about potential outcomes.

I recommend that you consult with a counselor.

I am a counselor who is often both Buddhist and depressed, occasionally positive and motivated. I extend my utmost respect to the world and to you.

Dear questioner, I love you!

I am grateful to meet you!

I'm grateful to the questioner for bringing up the topic of resentment towards my father and grandfather.

I'm grateful to the original poster for raising this issue. After reading their question, I understand their struggles. I'm grateful to the original poster for bringing this up. It's given us more options for answers.

I've thought about this too and want to share my thoughts with you.

~~~

Let's look at the details of the question and try to understand them.

My grandfather and father didn't get along. When my father was young, he got into trouble and damaged things at home after drinking. My grandfather said bad things about my father, saying I never received any fatherly love. I was only seven or eight at the time. I don't know why he said that. He hurt me. When I was sick and hospitalized, he said my father wanted to abandon me. I was fragile and sick. He said that to me. He was right. I hate my father and grandfather. Why didn't he die earlier? It would be better if they were both dead. I was neglected and lacked love. I had a mental breakdown in school. Four years ago, my grandfather made me get married. I resisted. I was depressed and didn't know how to run a marriage.

I got sick and was divorced. Now it's

From the question, we can summarize the following:

The questioner remembers the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father and grandfather. She is obsessed with the past and has developed insecure and emotionally unstable characteristics.

[2] The person may feel unloved and neglected by their family. They may also feel insecure and unloved from an early age.

She had an emotional breakdown later, at school.

Is the grandfather the most powerful person in the family? Was the questioner's marriage arranged by the grandfather?

It didn't work out, and they got divorced. This made the OP depressed again.

Has his relationship with his grandfather become worse? Do they no longer speak to each other?

Maybe the grandfather wasn't on the questioner's mind.

[4] From a psychological point of view, the questioner's feelings are meaningful. It's clear that the questioner is angry and has lost his true self because his family doesn't understand him. He has also suppressed many of his desires and needs.

...fell into a black hole of depression.

To help the questioner, you could try this:

First, accept your past experiences and your family of origin. Then, understand the situation. First, establish a boundary.

[1] We all have been traumatized by our families.

Genes play a role. Our relationships are shaped by our parents.

From the moment we are born, our cells and genes are already carrying some kind of trauma and pattern. This is called "intergenerational inheritance." When we are born, we are not born with a blank slate.

It happens during growth.

The parents of the previous generation were also traumatized. They carried their unhealed trauma into their marriages and had children.

They don't know how to educate their children because they don't understand themselves. They can't control themselves, know where emotions come from, or deal with them. The original poster suffered from the "trauma" inflicted on him by his father's grandfather during his upbringing. The parents and grandparents of the original poster also suffered from "trauma."

[2] No family is perfect, and no one is completely trauma-free. We can't choose where we're born, and the trauma we experience is not our fault.

[3] We must face the trauma caused by our original family. Even if we are only now realizing this problem, it is not too late.

It will be passed down to future generations.

[4] Once we understand, we must take responsibility for our lives. The most important thing is to take responsibility for ourselves. Although our trauma comes from our nurturers, we cannot blame our fathers or grandparents. This will only cause problems for us and those around us because no one will be willing to change. Therefore, we can only recognize our limitations and start making positive changes to our lives, just as the original poster here came to seek help and live their life the way they want to.

Set limits with your elders.

Second, learn to manage your emotions, express your feelings honestly, and choose to be your true self.

[1] When there are disagreements with older family members, speak up. Even if they don't understand or support you, show them your stance. You are taking action to declare your independence and release your anger.

Express your true thoughts to your elders. Use the method of "Nonviolent Communication" to express your feelings, thoughts, decisions, and expectations. The more often you express yourself, the more they will see your attitude.

We can learn to separate issues with our elders. They lived their lives, and we live ours. This helps us focus on our own lives and become better people.

[4] Learn to love yourself. Read books like "Love Yourself Back," "Why Families Hurt," and "The Bond of Parents" to live your life to the fullest. Learn to love yourself to let go of resentment. Let go of resentment to accept imperfect elders. Gradually let go of past grievances through learning and methods. When you feel powerless to redeem yourself, ask a professional for help.

The Yi Xin platform also offers courses on childhood trauma.

The above is a response to the questioner. It's just one person's opinion. I hope it will spark discussion and lead to more thinking. I also hope it will inspire and help the questioner. I welcome more in-depth exchanges. I pray that the questioner will soon walk out of the "gloom" of resentment, and that they will easily and happily become the person they want to be and live the life they want to live!

I love you! ?

Dear friend,

From what you said, I can tell you're going through a rough time. I've been there. My relatives used to say, "This kid was a real piece of work when he was little and no one wanted him."

Yes, I'm talking about me.

When I heard these words, my heart would ache. I worked hard to get over it, and I'm here to give you some advice. I'll break it down into a few points to make it easier to understand.

First, our feelings are important. Their words make us feel pain, so we must rebel and express it clearly: "I don't like hearing you say this. It makes me sad! No more!"

If you can't say it at first, show it to them. Write it down. This works very well. Write down your feelings.

Second, as you said, your grandfather always talked about how your father wanted to abandon you. What he really wanted to say was, "I am the only one in the world who loves and cares for you." This is a common mistake made by older generations, who think that their children only need their love. In fact, the love of parents and grandparents is indispensable. We should not be selfish and try to discredit one person in order to have a child. However, it is difficult for them to understand these truths. First, they grew up in a different era and did not receive a high level of education. Even if you explain things to them, they may not understand, or even if they do understand, they may not agree, because they often rely only on personal experience. Second, the older people get, the more stubborn they become, which is also very difficult.

3. You said you don't respect them now. We don't have to force ourselves to respect our elders. Respect is mutual. When you don't get respect, you don't have the energy to respect others. If you suppress yourself blindly, it will only make the problem worse. Of course, disrespect does not mean no love. It's just the wrong way to express it. We can and will try to change.

My advice is simple: express your feelings. Show them you care, but remember to take care of yourself first. Your home is a place to relax and express yourself freely. Don't let this get you down. Try communicating a little.