Why do I become abnormal whenever I fall in love with someone?

It is important to recognise that individuals may act in a self-serving manner. This can enable them to navigate their personal lives more effectively and identify suitable partners. If the other person does not inquire about your preferences, it can lead to feelings of discontent. It is natural to desire happiness and for the other person to prioritise your needs.

At times, we may become aware of our own feelings and coping mechanisms, which can be beneficial in preventing us from becoming overly invested in a situation and overlooking the need for external support from the other party. This is an example of mutual care.

Once an emotional connection is established, it can lead to irrational behavior.

When a potential romantic interest expresses interest in you, it is advisable to consider the situation carefully.

It is important to be aware of and consider the smaller details, such as whether the other person is demonstrating sufficient interest and care.

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It is normal to want to spend his money and let him buy things for you, because the other person will provide financial support if they have the resources to do so. Without financial resources, it can be challenging to have the confidence to go on a blind date. However, it is preferable to be financially independent.

Both parties are financially independent and mutually supportive.

It is essential that both parties demonstrate mutual commitment in a romantic relationship.

It would be mutually beneficial for us to take action on behalf of the other person.

If someone treats you well, it is a positive situation. When we are in this state of mind, we feel calm and comfortable, and we are able to focus on other tasks.

Furthermore, you demonstrate an ability to interact with individuals you may not particularly care for, or who may not necessarily reciprocate your feelings, in a way that is mutually beneficial and conducive to a positive exchange. On occasion, you have even gone to great lengths to accommodate their needs, such as waiting for them after work, which may appear somewhat unusual.

Your contributions are excessive. It appears that you are the primary initiator.

Those who like you will perceive you as absorbing too much energy. Conversely, those who dislike you may begin to recognize your positive qualities and dedication despite your initial offensive actions.

This may be indicative of a fluid dynamic in the relationship. The other person will also adjust their attitude in accordance with yours. If the other person is interested in maintaining a positive relationship with you, they will reciprocate your actions. It is possible to make slight adjustments to this flow of love and giving.

Mutual liking and mutual giving are key factors in maintaining a stable relationship. By giving a little, you can gain the respect of your partner. There is no need to label yourself or invade your partner's comfort zone. Being too conservative or introverted is counterproductive. Discussing your partner's preferences and maintaining a stable relationship by being yourself are recommended. Seeking professional counseling is also advised. Best of luck!

Please advise.

Hello! I'm happy to meet you and grateful for this platform. I hope you find my sharing helpful.

The cure for the disease should be targeted. To change yourself, you must work on the cause. Buddhism teaches cause and effect. Work on the cause to get the result you want.

First, think about your own psychology. We often have higher expectations of our parents than of anyone else. We don't think about how our actions affect them.

When we have a good relationship with someone, we want to share good things with them. But we also want them to treat us the same way. If they do something to upset us, we feel sad. I treat you as a true friend, but you still upset me when something happens to you. We just wish for this. It's your business to be nice to her. You can't ask her to be nice to you in the same way. This is a problem with our concepts.

This is a common phenomenon. We are polite to strangers and consider others when speaking and acting. But we feel that we know our closest people too well, and so we indulge our emotions. We believe that we should be loved unconditionally and that we should not be hurt.

I love you very much and you must love me too because you are the one I love most. When I do what I want, I will be happy, and you love me because you want me to be happy. If you don't love each other, you won't have any expectations. When you love them, you will take for granted the good things they do for you.

You can tell who you love, but it's unfair to the person you love. You have to learn to adjust yourself. You also want them to be happy. You can't just think about yourself. You can't have expectations or set expectations for them. You can't demand that they be a certain way. You have to observe what they need. Put them at the center. Consider their feelings and needs. Do what makes them happy. This will create a virtuous cycle of interaction. Otherwise, your demands on them will become higher and higher. You will hurt them. You make all kinds of demands on them. If they are met, they are happy. If they are not met, they complain. You have to learn what love is.

I hope my sharing was helpful. Learn to love the people you love.

Dear Inquirer,

Greetings!

The term "emotional disorder" is typically used to describe bipolar affective disorder, a mental illness. It is therefore inaccurate to apply this term to your situation.

The assertion is made that when one is in a state of romantic love, one becomes selfish towards the object of one's affection, and one hopes that the other person will reciprocate with greater levels of love and care. This may be a consequence of a prolonged period of neglect during one's formative years, resulting in a lack of nurturing during one's developmental process.

The individual in question harbors feelings of affection and attachment towards the other person, and thus aspires for the latter to demonstrate a greater degree of care and affection towards them. This is due to the fact that the individual in question perceives a need for such a level of care and attachment.

The expectation is that the object of one's affection will demonstrate unreserved devotion, benevolence, and unconditional acceptance. This is the sole criterion by which one gauges the depth of another's affection. The hope is that the object of one's affections will consistently offer solace and care, thereby instilling a sense of being cherished and esteemed.

If the other person fails to fulfill their obligations and execute tasks inadequately, it can cause significant distress and lead to an inability to disengage. This can result in the other person feeling overwhelmed and perceiving the situation as overly demanding and unreasonable. Over time, this can lead to a breakdown in communication and a dissolution of the relationship. It is essential to express affection and care for one's partner.

In the case of men one does not like, when in their presence, feelings of guilt arise due to the lack of mutual affection. In an attempt to compensate for this, one may exhibit behaviours such as consideration of their needs, provision of emotional value, avoidance of excessive spending, and splitting the bill 50-50, driven by a fear of indebtedness in the event of a relationship breakdown. By "giving" to this extent, the sense of loss is offset, preventing emotional distress. This approach may, in fact, serve to enhance the other person's perception of one's likeability.

It is important to note that you are worthy of love. You have already identified a key pattern in your thinking: "When we see a problem, the problem is already half solved." It is typically beneficial to prioritize self-care and self-affirmation. If needed, you can also seek guidance from a professional teacher.

It is my hope that the aforementioned information will prove beneficial to you. I am Yu Liyuan, a listening therapist. I extend my sincerest gratitude for your trust and for sharing your experiences with me.

Hello!

I really want to give you a hug and praise you for being able to recognize your own problems.

The fact that we're even asking this question shows that we're already making changes, but it won't happen overnight. We didn't become who we are today in one or two days.

People are said to have great plasticity, but we also have great inertia. There are many times when we only realize afterwards that what we did was wrong, but as soon as we are back in the situation, we still don't realize our own problems.

This shows that there's still a long way to go between saying and doing, but since we now have the idea to change, we can do so slowly.

I've seen lots of respondents give the questioner great advice from a psychological standpoint. So, when it comes to the questioner, we're not lacking in reason. What we may lack now is practice.

Maybe our way of getting along with each other has been affected by the social environment. After all, everyone can speak now, and there are too many feminist teachers online saying that men should pay for women and that men who don't want to spend money on women aren't in love with them, etc.

These comments have influenced how many women view the choice of a spouse and the nature of love itself, even leading to comparisons.

I believe that our Chinese ancestors were very wise and gave us a great basic principle for getting along with others: treat others as you would like to be treated.

This principle can be applied to any relationship you want to improve. It's a way to gauge whether your actions are right before you take them.

It's better to get it done once than to talk about it ten times. I suggest the questioner give it a try tomorrow. With ten or so practices, we'll find that we can really do anything.

I hope my answer is helpful to the questioner. Thanks to everyone for your time. I'm Jiusi, on Yixinli. Thanks for listening!

Good day, My name is Wei Zhi Peng from Yi Xin Li, a school of systemic psychotherapy. Along with psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy, and humanistic therapy, this school is recognized as one of the four major schools of modern psychotherapy. Our approach is primarily short-term counseling, typically around 10 sessions.

This response offers a potential perspective.

Based on your description, I will refer to the relationship with the man you like as Relationship 1 and the relationship with the man you met on a blind date as Relationship 2.

This will facilitate subsequent explanation.

I believe there may have been a misunderstanding regarding the sequence of events. From your description, it seems as though the two relationships were conducted simultaneously.

The second relationship serves as a foundation for the first. Its existence provides a backup support system that allows you to test the man you like's attitude towards you in the most optimal way.

If he can handle your unconventional approach, there may be potential for further advancement. However, as you have noted, there are risks involved. If he lacks the patience and tolerance required, he may react negatively.

Furthermore, it is essential to utilize relationship two as a means of compensating for the challenges encountered in relationship one.

The approach you took in the relationship was, in fact, the most challenging for you. As the only individual with comprehensive knowledge of the situation and the complete truth, you are responsible for processing this information independently, which may have significant personal costs.

The most significant consequence of this approach may be that you ultimately remain in a relationship with someone you do not fully respect.

This is my understanding of your description. I am unsure if this is indicative of an emotional disorder, which would require a hospital diagnosis.

I must admit that I am at a loss as to why, when faced with a person you are interested in, you would resort to such an extreme method to test their feelings and demonstrate your own. Could you please explain the rationale behind this approach?

Please advise.

Hello, I'm Huang Xiaolu.

Hello. I think there might be a misunderstanding. The emotional disorder you mentioned and the psychiatric definition of emotional disorder are two different concepts. It seems like you're saying that you don't know how to handle intimacy, which has led to challenges in your intimate relationships. However, these issues haven't affected your life or work in a significant way. So, it's unlikely that you have an emotional disorder within the psychiatric definition.

But your confusion does affect your ability to make friends, so is this a problem? It's not necessarily a problem, but it's definitely a confusion, otherwise you wouldn't have left a question here.

1. The more you care about someone, the more you act like you don't care, the more "artificial" you become, because you don't feel secure and are afraid of losing them. I'd say that in fact, you're the one pushing away the right person who likes you. I don't know if you can accept this.

2. If you don't like someone that much, you're willing to make an effort to treat them with equality and politeness because you're not afraid of them leaving. In fact, you're more relaxed and will treat them the way you usually treat others. This shows that you're not familiar with each other and also shows that you're very attractive. I believe you can easily understand this.

Your main issue is a lack of security in your relationship. You know your own tendencies and who you prefer, so why not change? The reason is that you feel you can't control your own behavior. You constantly want to prove to him that you love him more than he loves you by acting in certain ways, such as replying to messages, constantly caring, buying gifts, etc. You only feel at ease when you do this. You're afraid that if you show more care and love and let the other person feel that he is loved, he will know that you love him more and thus not value yourself, and you will be hurt.

To avoid being hurt, you use these behaviors to make the other person leave you.

What should you do? In most cases, this way of dealing with things comes from habits and emotional deficiencies in your past attachment relationships. It's not that you can't do it, it's that you haven't yet appreciated and loved yourself. You are worthy of love, and you don't need to prove it. You enjoy the beauty of being in love in the present, not the fear of loss.

You want the other person to treat you well, and you only need to treat yourself right. Loving him is a way of showing yourself some love, not pushing him away when he walks into you.

There's no such thing as more or less love in an intimate relationship. It's something that's nurtured. Love in an intimate relationship doesn't need to be proven because it's revealed over time.

Once you know the truth, the question of how to achieve it is simply a matter of expressing your innermost feelings. Those who care about you will be there to support you through this difficult time.

Thanks for reading, and if you found it helpful, please click "useful."

Next up is Yixinli's answerer, Huang Xiaolu.

Good day, question asker.

After reviewing your description, I can ascertain that your sincerity is of significant value.

For a male interest who also expresses interest in you, your expectations are high, and you hope to receive something in return. This "something in return" is evaluated based on your own standards, such as [paying sufficient attention to me, expressing interest in maintaining a relationship, and being consistently available].

▫️When presented with a situation where a male individual displays interest in a romantic relationship, yet the female individual in question does not reciprocate those feelings, she may be hesitant to accept his displays of affection due to her lack of romantic interest.

From these two relationships, it appears that you view your own emotions as a transactional relationship.

It is said that the model we develop for intimate relationships with others as adults is based on the intimacy we experienced with our parents as children. I am curious to know what your relationship model with your parents is like.

What is your perception of love? We may also be able to gain insights from this relationship.

▫️What does true love look like? The following is an excerpt from an article by the public figure Zhou Guoping, which I would like to share with you. What can we learn from it?

Sociologist Erich Fromm (1956) posits that love is an act of active giving. This is distinct from material giving, as it entails a person giving the most valuable parts of their life to another, including happiness, interests, empathy, knowledge, humor, and sorrow. True love requires all four factors: care, responsibility, respect, and understanding.

To care is to take an active interest in the lives and growth of those we love. Without such interest, there is no love. When we care about someone, we take the initiative to inquire about their lives. For example, we might ask, "Was the workshop last week interesting?"

"Or provide assistance proactively: "You appear disengaged today. What is the matter? Would you like to discuss it?"

Responsibility: If I am responsible for someone, I am responsible for that person as I am responsible for myself. This responsibility may be for the material well-being of both parties, such as earning a living to support the family; it may also be to address the psychological needs of the other person, such as ensuring mutual happiness.

Taking responsibility is also a prerequisite for providing care. If you feel responsible for your partner's happiness, you will naturally take the initiative to assess their well-being and identify ways to enhance it.

Respect is a key aspect of responsibility. It is not about taking on another person's responsibilities and treating them like a child. Rather, it is about respecting the individuality of the person you love, respecting their uniqueness, and allowing them to act and grow freely according to their own wishes.

Respect also entails refraining from exploiting the other party. We do not exploit our loved ones to force them to serve us or turn them into objects to demand love. In the absence of respect, love can become a form of control or even blackmail in the name of love.

It is important to understand the object of our affection. We must observe our partner from their perspective and avoid making assumptions based on our own biases.

The process of understanding is gradual. As it progresses, we become increasingly aware of the true nature and needs of the other person. To illustrate, today my partner seems very angry. Through this, I gain insight into the source of his anger: his family. I then learn that there are relationship problems between his parents. This realization prompts me to understand that this problem makes him uneasy and that he needs me to provide more security.

If I fail to understand my partner's needs and simply attempt to relieve their anger, I may be unable to meet their fundamental requirement for security.

I am a strategic thinker, and I appreciate your attention to this message.

Greetings.

Affectionate encouragement. If one finds oneself attracted to another individual, it would be prudent to extend a greater degree of care and consideration to that person. There is no benefit in making them "more tired."

In the event of meeting a prospective partner at a blind date and forming a mutual interest, I will consistently evaluate the value of their contributions. I will focus on minor details and exaggerate their significance, such as a lack of concern for my well-being or a reluctance to inquire about specific matters.

This is illustrative of the tendency to magnify trivial matters and minimize significant issues. As a result, I may become self-centered, seeking constant reassurance and support from the other person.

The most distressing aspect of this situation is the desire to spend his money, accept his gifts, and appear indifferent to them in order to make him feel loved.

2. Despite my lack of affinity for the individual with whom I am currently involved in a romantic relationship, I have chosen to remain in the relationship due to the positive treatment I receive from him. However, I experience feelings of guilt due to my inability to reciprocate his affections.

I will endeavor to be understanding and provide emotional value in a consistent and reliable manner. I will consider his perspective and offer what he requires.

However, I will not accept his efforts. Furthermore, I will attempt to minimize my acceptance of the gifts he provides, and I will endeavor to spend money in a 50-50 ratio or even more, due to my apprehension about the potential dissolution of our relationship.

I will take the initiative to locate him, go to great lengths to wait for him to conclude his work, and accompany him home, etc. I will not experience any discomfort.

At this juncture, I am not concerned with whether my actions are appropriate or whether they will make me appear inferior.

It would be reasonable to posit that the individual in the second situation would be the one to experience greater infatuation. This is because they bring the kindest and most beautiful things to those around them. In contrast, the individual in the first situation often makes people afraid to approach them. This is because they give people feelings of being forced, of being unable to catch a breath, of being unable to feel the freedom of being valued and respected. They will unconsciously stay away and forget the real them behind this facade. The question then arises as to why they would do that.

Therefore, this is not an emotional obstacle, but rather a lack of a deep understanding of the concepts of "love" and "the one you love." For example, a child who loves his mother will share his treasures with her, while a mother who loves her child may demonstrate her love in a more mature way, by deliberately concealing the difficulties of earning a livelihood and providing warmth and comfort to her child with a smile.

What are the factors that contribute to the formation of a romantic attachment to an idealized object, and how can this attachment be made more positive?

1. Cultivate the capacity to grow and to love.

Individuals in a romantic relationship often exhibit heightened levels of passion and boundless energy. This is attributed to the emotional turbulence experienced in the heart, which can overwhelm rational thought. Consequently, their behavior may become more unrestrained. Consequently, some posit that being in love is blind, whereby individuals focus solely on the object of their affection and seek to receive more love from them. However, this approach neglects the necessity for reasonable expression of love. Only through loving the other person can one truly feel the love reciprocated.

As the questioner correctly observed, if one is constantly striving to prove one's love for a partner by being difficult, can this truly be considered an expression of love? Alternatively, might this merely reflect one's own inner feelings of insecurity? Furthermore, if one's boyfriend were to genuinely alter his behavior and spend 24 hours a day with one's partner, would this constitute a mature and responsible demonstration of love?

It is my contention that the questioner will now have the answer: love is not about possessiveness or forcing someone to live their life according to one's own wishes. Rather, it is about mutual care and concern, and truly understanding the other person's thoughts.

2. In a state of love, it is essential to present one's authentic self.

The reason why falling in love makes people feel sweet and happy is that the true self feels accepted and loved, whereas maintaining a guarded or diverse persona conceals the true self, preventing the other person from perceiving the true feelings of love and leading to the misperception of superficial feelings.

In light of the aforementioned scenarios, it becomes evident that as one's affinity for an individual intensifies, the distance between them widens. Conversely, those whom one dislikes are often perceived as accommodating and "restrained" due to the courtesy and deference one extends to them.

3. It is recommended that individuals practice expressing their emotions more frequently during the week to establish a healthy and stable emotional connection with others.

It is currently only speculation, and in life, we may not be particularly adept at expressing our emotions. Consequently, we may perceive contrasts in emotions that are not necessarily evident to others. However, others are able to comprehend our emotional states and intentions through our verbal and non-verbal communication. Therefore, if we desire to cultivate a healthy and stable relationship, it is essential to modify our emotional expression so that the other person can genuinely comprehend our emotional state and intentions.

For example, if one desires the attention of another, it is not always appropriate to do so in a commanding tone. Instead, requests can be made in a respectful and understanding manner, which will encourage the other person to be more willing to express their efforts.

It is my sincere hope that you will experience a life filled with joy and contentment.

Good day. I extend my best regards from a distance.

It is important to acknowledge and commend yourself for recognizing this mindset that you exhibit in intimate relationships.

From your description, it can be seen that you have a strong sense of unworthiness. This sense of unworthiness stems more from the way you were raised as you grew up. It is possible that during your growth process, your parents always expressed frustration about the challenges of raising you and the difficulties of the family's financial situation. Your parents may also have always overcompensated, for example, working hard and diligently, while you have been emotionally neglected and insensitive. However, they always perceived you as good and used this as an excuse to reject you, making you feel guilty, self-blame, inferior, and unworthy. Children will often attribute their parents' negative emotional states to their own lack of goodness. If their parents are not happy, children may believe they have no right to be happy.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

To overcome feelings of unworthiness in intimate relationships, it is essential to enhance one's sense of self-worth, cultivate self-confidence, and overcome feelings of inferiority. Accepting oneself fully entails recognizing both one's shortcomings and strengths.

One method for improving self-acceptance is to create a list of one's strengths. Another approach is to develop self-confidence and enhance one's sense of self-worth through the use of a gratitude journal.

My name is Lily, and I am the Q&A Center's designated listener. I extend my personal regards to you all, and I wish you well.