Why do I find it particularly hard to accept that my best friend's husband cheated and then came back to the family?

Hello.

Let's talk about boundaries. You seem to be the type of person who is eager to do good and likes to help others. You also get pleasure from helping others.

Often, you will even help so much that you start to take other people's matters as your own. If this is the case, you need to set boundaries.

Secondly, I want to talk to you about the situation of your best friend. When a man is definitely not coming home and cheating on her in every way, she has two options: either choose money and leave if she has money, or stick it out.

But when the man returns to the family, the best friend changes. It's obvious that the property is still there, and now there's an additional person.

This man is the father of your best friend's child. This is the kind of life your best friend has always hoped for.

Let me be clear: if a couple chooses to spend more than ten years together, it's because they need or like each other. Your best friend may have already decided that this man meets her requirements just by being at home. He has everything she needs, so she'll naturally accept his return. From experience, people who make decisions for both parties in a marriage with problems are usually blamed as long as the marriage returns to normal. You're a sensible best friend. People don't blame you.

Believe me, a best friend is inferior to a husband when there is a recognized husband. As a friend, just wish them well from afar.

You are helping your best friend live a better life. She already is.

I'm sure this will help!

Dear questioner, Thank you for taking the time to reach out with your question.

From what you've shared in your question, I can sense your sadness, anger, and a strong sense of self-awareness.

1. I hope you don't mind me asking about your best friend's husband's infidelity.

I would like to inquire about the possibility of my best friend and I, who have been classmates for over a decade and are close friends, seeking advice on how to handle the situation with her husband. It has come to my attention that he has been unfaithful to her on numerous occasions. In 2020, he had an affair and was involved in a scandal with his mistress. At the time, he even attempted to divorce her by cheating on her, which caused her significant distress. They were later caught in a compromising position, which was extremely difficult for her to bear. I am seeking a divorce, but I am concerned about the financial implications. I have informed my best friend's five-year-old daughter that she has two mothers.

It would seem that the mistress is using a couple's avatar, living together, and kneeling and licking the mistress. In short, we really dislike this man..." In this part,

From what we can see, the questioner cares about, cares for, and treasures your best friend. It seems that you even fought with her against her husband. You really put a lot of emotion and energy into this, right?

It might be said that your best friend is also a relatively important object relationship in your life, and you have also experienced difficult moments in her life together. This could mean that your emotional bond is relatively deep.

And because of this, you really hope that your best friend can leave the situation and find happiness again, don't you?

2. Regarding the possibility of catching the cheater together.

You were even able to catch the husband cheating, which prevented him from hurting your best friend. In a way, you have been able to empathize with and help your best friend to a great extent.

However, we did overlook a crucial aspect, which was to remember our own position. This can easily result in us becoming overly involved in the marital issues of our best friend.

3. Regarding their reconciliation.

It may be helpful to consider that when they reconcile, our initial intention to support our friend in distancing herself from her husband's infidelity can seem unusual.

Could I ask why that is seen as strange?

When she is passionately in love with her husband, she may see you and be reminded of the time when you two fought against her husband together. This could make her feel uncomfortable.

And you, the questioner, feel somewhat uneasy when you see your best friend's unfaithful husband returning to reconcile with her. As a third party, you can see more clearly than you might otherwise that your best friend's husband may not love her as he should, and that he is hurting her.

You are concerned that your friend may be hurt again when she returns to her family. However, your friend is currently very affectionate with her husband, and you feel that you haven't been able to help her as much as you would have liked.

I wonder if I might ask you a question.

Perhaps the issue we need to address first is the issue of separation. It seems that you have become too involved in your best friend's marriage, which may be contributing to your frustration and hurt.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remember that your best friend is ultimately the main person responsible for her marriage. Whatever the outcome may be, it is important for her to take responsibility for herself.

Perhaps we could consider dealing more with the emotions behind our concern and care for our best friend and the expectation that she will live a good life.

Ultimately, there is no definitive right or wrong in this matter. It is more a question of whose life issue it is. Of course, the original poster may benefit from some self-reflection and time to process their emotions. They may also find it helpful to try to forgive the other person, with the hope that their best friend will have a good life.

Perhaps you could try hugging yourself, empathizing with yourself, and allowing forgiveness to come to you gradually.

I hope the above answers are helpful to you. I wish you all the best.

Hello, I read your story. It seems that you gave a great deal of support to your best friend during a very difficult period of her life with her husband. You two trusted each other so much at that time, and when her husband came back, she actually accepted him. You used the word "shocked" to describe your feelings, and I think you must have been very shocked and confused at that time. It's understandable that you felt angry with her and resented her.

These complex and unpleasant feelings have gradually driven you away, but I can see that you want to explore yourself at the end of your text. First of all, I applaud you for your courage and wisdom. While we may not be able to change others, we can understand the causes and effects of interactions with our environment by understanding ourselves. With that in mind, I would like to venture to give some assumptions below, which may not be correct. The answer is in your heart.

Everyone wishes for their loved ones to share their views, values, and communication style. This sudden change in your best friend may make you question whether you are truly as similar as you thought.

It may be the case that she has become somewhat distant. It is perhaps inevitable that when we are close to someone and they do something that surprises us, we feel a little uneasy. When we expect others to agree with us and are disappointed when they don't, it can cause discomfort.

2. The story of your best friend's betrayal of her partner was described in great detail, and it seemed as though you were experiencing it firsthand. This may have triggered certain emotions within you, and you have also poured a great deal of your own emotions into it. When certain situations elicit our emotional responses, it is often related to our past experiences. Based on your perspective on marriage, it seems that you would choose to leave resolutely. You cannot accept yourself and the people you care about staying in such an emotionally belittled and hurtful state.

It is not uncommon for the breadth of acceptance from the outside world to be similar to the breadth of acceptance one has of oneself.

3. When we do something with all our heart, like when you and your best friend go together to catch your husband cheating and help her fight for her property, at that moment you are her comrade-in-arms, and maybe even her savior. Everyone wants to feel that what they are doing is worthwhile, but it's important to recognize that the value of this thing cannot be realized by just one person.

In such a case, it may seem as though all the efforts made for that goal have come to naught. If the emptiness of having exerted yourself for nothing makes you feel sad and resentful, it is understandable. In such moments, it can be helpful to thank that sincere self of yours.

4. When your sadness and unease have passed, you may wish to consider whether this best friend is still worth continuing the relationship with. Is she worth the effort to re-understand her?

It's possible that even if this person once told you that their idea of happiness is the same as yours, there may be some other deeply hidden parts that you haven't seen. Not seeing them doesn't necessarily mean that you're not close, and it's possible that they didn't see it themselves at the time. So, it feels like she suddenly made a very unexpected choice.

5. As a psychological counselor, I have always believed that it is more important to understand yourself, especially when we are not clear about the inner plot, which will lead to how we interact with others in the crowd. When encountering such problems, it might be helpful to consider whether you often don't express yourself, lick your wounds alone, or comfort yourself by distancing yourself.

It's possible that your best friend doesn't fully comprehend the reasons behind your growing distance, just as you may not fully grasp hers.

Take a moment to embrace yourself. It's possible that you've faced challenges in the past and are currently facing some difficulties. I admire your resilience and dedication. I'm grateful for the questions you raised at the end of the article.

Good day, my name is Strawberry.

From your disclosures and inquiries, and from the manner in which the original poster characterizes your best friend, it can be inferred that your best friend possesses her own thoughts and opinions. Consequently, she is willing to accept the man who caused her significant distress, potentially due to the child or other factors.

You informed your best friend's daughter that she has two mothers. You value this relationship and are deeply concerned about your best friend and her child. That is why you are willing to be their strong support and provide them with protection. However, it is important to understand that there are some things you cannot give them, and you cannot replace her husband's position, even if you are very good friends.

The reason for your inability to accept this situation is that you observed firsthand the impact that this man's actions had on your best friend. You perceive this as an unfair outcome. What you find difficult to comprehend is that, following the initial incident, your best friend continued to live her life as it was before her husband returned to the family. This suggests that the initial hurt had no lasting impact.

It is unclear whether the husband of the questioner's best friend has fully reconciled with his family or if this was merely a temporary shift in perspective. While the possibility of a similar situation arising in the future remains, the incident has prompted the questioner's best friend to gain insights into the underlying issues in her marriage, equipping her with the tools to navigate the challenges more effectively.

I would like to take some time to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings. I am curious as to why I am so invested in the affairs of others and reluctant to forgive.

1. Different Perceptions

Individuals' perceptions are shaped by their upbringing and the people they meet, resulting in differing perspectives. The questioner believes that a man who is so ruthless, not only betraying his marriage but also harming his wife in such an open and irresponsible manner, is not deserving of forgiveness.

However, your best friend's behavior is unacceptable to you. You have been together for a considerable length of time and believe she should share your sentiments. After all, she endured the greatest hardship. While love is a matter between two individuals, marriage is a matter of two families. She was indeed hurt during that period of time, but she could not simply consider herself. She also had to consider providing the child with a complete family. There were also other factors. It can also be said that she did not have the courage to leave.

2. Eliminate superfluous items.

"Duan She Li" is not merely a reference to material objects; it also applies to interpersonal relationships and emotional states. It is advisable to avoid relationships that are not advantageous to you and to disengage from emotions that have a negative impact on your well-being.

A friend of mine is in a relationship with a couple who are constantly arguing with each other. However, when they separate, they miss each other in every way. I have been dealing with this issue on numerous occasions and am no longer willing to do so. This individual is the proverbial clown who turns out to be oneself. When they have problems, they will find someone to confide in, saying that she regrets meeting her husband. They are unwilling to change for the sake of the family, and their constant arguing and hatred for each other is affecting their relationship. I advised my friend to get a divorce, and she said that she would leave if she made up her mind. A few days later, they made up and were showing off their affection in all kinds of ways in their circle of friends.

After experiencing this on numerous occasions, I terminated the friendship and ceased all communication with them. I did not respond to their messages, and after a period of time, they became aware of my stance. I did not delete them, but there were no further messages or interactions in person. I simply scroll past their posts in my circle of friends. By redefining the relationship, the questioner can avoid being influenced. The decision to distance oneself is a personal one, and it is important to follow one's heart.

3. Remain consistent in your approach.

From my perspective, the questioner is a person with a positive outlook on life and a strong sense of their own opinions. I believe the best course of action is to continue to be this person. There are many individuals who have experienced challenges in life, resulting in a loss of identity. While they may not be happy, there are often external factors that contribute to this state of being.

We are continuously developing our capacity to love ourselves and become an enhanced version of ourselves. This may be a lifelong pursuit. By being our authentic selves, we can potentially influence those around us in an unconscious manner.

I hope my response is helpful to the original poster. Best regards,

Hello, question asker.

After hearing the explanation, you find yourself asking, "Why do I care so much about other people's business?" When you consciously use the word "other people" between you and your best friend, it could be an indication that you're defending and denying the true nature of your relationship with her and the discomfort it causes you.

It's been over ten years since you've been friends and classmates, so it might be challenging to imagine your life without her. Not to mention the distant past, the development of your relationship with her over more than ten years, and the emotional bond between you that has been built up little by little over time and through events. Just think of something recent: you have stood by her side as she fought with her husband and confronted his mistress. It hasn't been easy, and it has required your participation and companionship. Your emotions have fluctuated accordingly, and I can imagine it might be difficult for you to comfort your best friend and calm the various complex emotional experiences aroused within yourself.

It is therefore understandable that you might feel uncomfortable when she forgives her husband and returns to the family. You may even feel a sense of resentment towards your best friend, as though this is a negation or even mockery of the efforts and companionship you once provided. It is natural to feel embarrassed and even angry in such circumstances.

At the same time, you have a strong sense of reality. It is her choice to live her life and her marriage, and perhaps a sentence of "none of your business" can block all your emotions and feelings inside.

If this feeling of suffocation is causing you discomfort, you might benefit from exploring your own thoughts and feelings about relationships. It can be helpful to gain clarity on your expectations and demands in intimate relationships.

Once you gain a deeper understanding, you may find that your feelings of discomfort begin to dissipate.

I hope this finds you well.

Greetings. I am a mental health counselor, certified at the national second-level.

A meticulous reading of your account has been conducted.

From the narrative, it is evident that this matter is a source of distress for you. Your best friend's husband was unfaithful to her and subsequently returned to the family. You were taken aback by your best friend's decision to accept him back. This led to feelings of intense disdain and even estrangement from your best friend, resulting in a complete cessation of communication and contact.

The desire to explore oneself is understandable. However, it is worth questioning why one is so preoccupied with the affairs of others and unable to forgive them.

Let us attempt to resolve this issue. What thoughts come to mind when you think about this incident? You may wish to consider examining those thoughts and attempting to record them. If you are unable to think of anything, you may wish to conclude this exercise.

It is recommended that the reader peruse the notes in their entirety, as they may prove instrumental in identifying the underlying cause.

As I read the narrative, it became evident that this incident has triggered a series of thoughts and emotional responses within you. These thoughts and feelings have been stored in your memory and are related to a past experience, as they were not addressed adequately at the time and have been retained. When I say this, what comes to mind?

Should this prove ineffective, it may be beneficial to consult with a trusted counselor. A counselor can serve as a valuable source of guidance, offering a reflective perspective that can assist in understanding and addressing underlying issues.

The aforementioned content is intended for reference only. It is hoped that it will prove useful, and further consultation is invited via the provided messaging system.

Good day. The husband of your best friend has been unfaithful to her, which is, in principle, an unforgivable act. However, your best friend has made a decision that is completely contrary to your judgment and views.

It is evident that you are experiencing a profound sense of sadness, accompanied by a subtle yet discernible sentiment of resentment towards unmet expectations.

From one perspective, the affair has caused significant distress to your best friend. As her closest associate, you experience a complex emotional state, encompassing sadness and anger directed at the individual who betrayed her trust. Conversely, you are also concerned about the potential for further hurt.

In general, individuals who have been profoundly wounded by another person tend to eschew forgiveness or seek retribution. However, your best friend has opted for forgiveness. There is a well-known adage that underscores this phenomenon: there is only zero infidelity and countless infidelities.

One might reasonably assume that if I had been subjected to such a traumatic experience, I would be reluctant to forgive easily and would be inclined to avoid any further risk of similar harm. In such a case, I might even consider terminating the relationship in order to prevent further distress.

However, as your best friend—someone who should share the same or similar values and beliefs as you—has acted in a manner that appears to be that of a "weak person," forgiving the person who hurt her as if nothing had happened and defending the person who hurt her at every turn, you may feel that your previous concern and worry were misplaced.

It is unclear whether your best friend and you have discussed this matter, given your differing opinions. Are you aware of the rationale and considerations that informed his decision?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether she is aware that, as a close friend, you, as an outsider, are concerned about her well-being and experiencing feelings of frustration.

I believe that this aspect of communication is crucial.

If, following communication, mutual understanding is achieved regarding unspoken considerations, and if your friend is able to comprehend your concerns and has formulated a plan to address potential future emotional issues, it is possible that the difficulties you have experienced will be resolved.

In the event that, following communication, not only are your views not understood, but you also experience a sense of disillusionment, it may be necessary to consider the extent to which you have intervened in your best friend's affairs.

It must be acknowledged that each individual has their own way of living and their own choices, and that it is not possible to walk in someone else's shoes. Similarly, in a parent-child relationship, parents are able to care for, love and support their children, but they need to intervene less.

It is conceivable that from the vantage point of individuals from disparate backgrounds, our actions may appear incomprehensible or even reprehensible. Nevertheless, given that these individuals are not intimately connected to us, we may be unable to fully discern this discrepancy.

The aforementioned discrepancies have now manifested between you and your best friend, and you are acutely aware of them.

The degree and method of intervention are contingent upon the individual and their best friend. In the event that modifying one's friend's mindset is unfeasible, it is essential to determine the objective of the intervention.

It would be beneficial to ascertain the nature of your best friend and the type of assistance she would find most beneficial.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful to you in some way. Best regards,

Hello!

I'm lucky to have read your words. You feel reluctant about your best friend forgiving her cheating husband. You have strong principles! It's great to have a best friend like you!

First, the principle. Everyone has their own understanding of life. Why did she forgive her husband's betrayal?

Maybe she's unwilling to face her own vulnerability. Perhaps she needs to rely on her husband.

Maybe her husband's apology helped? Maybe there are other reasons... Is that it?

Maybe she has her own principles and understanding of life.

Next, the boundaries between friends. You are a kind woman who stands up for your best friend. You have a positive outlook on life.

You can't live your best friend's life for her. She has to live her own life. Is that sad? Is that happy?

Pain or love?

She has to decide for herself. You can give her advice, but she has to make the decision.

Can you accept this?

Accept your best friend too. Accepting yourself means becoming your true self.

Let yourself feel unhappy, and accept your best friend's choices. It might be hard to understand her feelings, but she still has to face the days ahead on her own.

Maybe you just have to accept it.

Empathy is the ability to understand others.

Empathy means understanding and feeling the other person's feelings. It's an intuitive ability, not a technique or knowledge.

You feel helpless towards your best friend. You've been so understanding and supportive, but she still chose to accept her cheating husband back.

Accept reality to gain power.

If something bad doesn't happen, you'll never know what some people are really like. Some people are like QR codes; you need to scan them to know what they are! Do you agree?

Hello!

You've been friends for over ten years. In 2020, her husband cheated on her with a younger woman.

In 2021, a third-grader broke up with your best friend's husband, and they got back together.

This social event made you feel uncomfortable.

You feel sad!

You stay away from your best friend because everyone else is forgiving him.

Why do you care so much about your best friend's husband cheating on her?

You reacted strongly to your best friend's husband cheating on her for two reasons: your family of origin and women's sense of security.

Our behavior and thoughts are influenced by our families.

You described your best friend's husband's affair in detail. It seemed like you felt the same way as the betrayed person.

You learn that your best friend has forgiven her husband and been forgiven by others. You cut off contact with her.

Your perception conflicts with those around you, so you cut off the source of the conflict.

It doesn't matter if you call it chastity or puritanism. Your upbringing has made this a core belief.

You and your best friend have been close for over ten years, so it's easy to imagine it's happening to you. It's like when we watch a movie or read a novel and are moved to tears or become so engrossed we can't tear ourselves away.

In marriage, women are often insecure. The establishment of a sense of security comes from learning and growing.

You are not wrong about fidelity or purity. You strive for perfection.

Be aware of your problems. Accept imperfection.

As they say, "Greatness comes from tolerance." You can let go of your friend's husband's infidelity.

When you realize this, you will contact your best friend and start your friendship again.

I hope this helps.

I'm Chu Mingdeng. I love you.

Your true nature and values are clear. At that time, your best friend may have already made a choice. She was righteous and indignant about her husband's infidelity. You also empathized with her. After the other man's husband was abandoned by his mistress and returned to the family, he was forgiven.

This is also wrong. Can an affair be forgiven? If you walk away, there will be a next time. These things make us think. You find it hard to accept and don't know what you will face.

Your best friend and you were classmates, and you take what happened to her very seriously. You know about some of the dirty tricks her husband used. Last year, the mistress abandoned your best friend's husband, and he chose to return afterwards.

It's easy to change your views. Others do it, then your best friend accepts it. What logic is that? People act like nothing happened, but you won't forget the little things you did together. You feel sad.

You feel you made a mistake and your best friend has treated you kindly but forgiven her husband's mistakes. Your values have been violated and your friendship has collapsed. You've chosen to distance yourself and don't want to forgive. Perhaps your best friend has her own ideas, which you can listen to or consider after some time. Best wishes.

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