Why doesn't my boyfriend reply to my messages, no matter if I'm happy or sad?

Dear Sir/Madam, I am contacting you with a query. Kind regards, Questioner

Good day. From your description, it is evident that you are currently experiencing confusion and have chosen to seek assistance in order to resolve your issues.

As a couple in a long-distance relationship, it is essential to maintain a strong connection to sustain the relationship. You have demonstrated a proactive approach in sharing your thoughts with your partner. However, your boyfriend's lack of response has led to a sense of discomfort.

It is evident that there is a lack of understanding regarding his feelings. Could you please elaborate on what you like about him? You have also mentioned that you are uncertain as to whether he likes you or just your body. Could you please provide more details on how the relationship began?

Has this been his typical behavior from the outset?

How do you maintain your long-distance relationship? Have you discussed this topic together?

Have you reached a mutual understanding? It is important to note that your needs are perfectly normal. Given the circumstances of not seeing each other regularly, it is understandable that you would want to communicate more frequently. However, if there is no feedback at all, it may be challenging to maintain the relationship.

It may be advisable to arrange a meeting with your partner to discuss the way forward. If you wish to continue, it is important to identify the level of effort required from both parties. This is a shared objective. It is essential that love is mutual. It is unlikely that either party will be able to sustain the relationship without input from the other.

It is now necessary for you to determine:

1. Is there mutual interest and attraction? Or is there a discrepancy in the level of interest?

2. If this behavior persists, how long can you reasonably continue to tolerate it?

3. Do you have any common expectations for this business relationship? Can you share the same attitude towards this business relationship?

4. If online communication is not a viable option, consider scheduling a face-to-face meeting to discuss the matter further. How would you like to proceed with maintaining the relationship?

5. If both parties are genuinely interested in pursuing a long-term relationship and he is not adept at expressing himself online, it may be advisable to consider terminating the long-distance arrangement. It would be prudent to assess whether the benefits of continuing the relationship outweigh the costs.

6. Focus on your own development, enhance your value, and recognize that love is just one aspect of life. You have the capacity to improve yourself continuously.

I hope my reply will provide some inspiration. It would be my sincere hope that you could meet the best version of yourself and find a more beautiful love. Thank you.

Dear Questioner,

Good morning, I am Yu Liyuan, a listening coach. Thank you for placing your trust in me and for sharing your concerns.

Your boyfriend has not responded to your messages, leaving you uncertain about his whereabouts and intentions. You are unsure if he is preoccupied with work, experiencing personal issues, or simply disinterested in communication. His lack of response has caused you to question his feelings and emotions, leading to feelings of unease, confusion, and even overwhelm.

Causes for Inadequate Response to Communications

You frequently share details of your daily life with your boyfriend, but he seldom responds, stating that he is unsure of how to proceed. This may be indicative of his personality traits. Could you please provide us with more information about his personality?

If he is an introverted individual with communication difficulties, he may not reply to your messages because he is unable to identify suitable topics of conversation.

From our correspondence, it is evident that you value your boyfriend and are keen to develop your relationship further. At this juncture, it would be beneficial to identify topics that your boyfriend is knowledgeable about and interested in.

Gender differences

You indicated that at the beginning of the year, when the two of you were together, he treated you with great care. However, after the two of you were apart, he ignored you. It is important to note that physical intimacy is also a significant aspect of the relationship when the two of you are together.

In general, women tend to prioritize emotional communication, while men tend to prioritize sensory and physical contact. Physical contact can intensify the relationship, creating the impression that he is merely attracted to your body.

The importance of effective communication

Given the geographical distance between you, communication and exchange between the two of you is of the utmost importance. In addition to sharing your daily lives, you should also have some more in-depth exchanges. You are aware of your boyfriend's preferences and dislikes, and in what areas you can have in-depth exchanges and establish a deep connection. You should also arrange for the two of you to meet more often during the holidays to enhance your emotional connection.

It is important to care for yourself and increase your attractiveness.

You have demonstrated that you are a positive individual who is actively engaged with your boyfriend and shares details of your daily life. In addition to maintaining attention on each other, it is also important to prioritize self-care. If he does not respond to your messages, you can share photos of your positive activities (e.g., socializing with friends, cooking, etc.) with your friends, likely once every two to three days, to enhance your attractiveness to your boyfriend. I hope these suggestions are helpful to you.

You frequently share your daily experiences with your boyfriend and disclose your authentic emotions. However, your boyfriend does not reciprocate. What is the underlying cause of this discrepancy?

It appears that you have a strong desire to be heard and seen. Receiving a response from the other person in your shared daily life not only reflects your feelings but also confirms that someone is by your side, constantly providing love and security.

This is, in fact, a fundamental need for care that children have. In your relationship with your boyfriend, you are implicitly requesting that he empathize with and understand a great many of your feelings. By disclosing a considerable amount of your genuine thoughts to him, you will also, in effect, convey a great many of the emotions and feelings you experience in response to events, which will, in turn, affect his feelings.

It is challenging to simultaneously tolerate one's own feelings, recognize them in a timely manner, and respond to them appropriately.

Those in a romantic relationship have their own needs that they seek to fulfill.

Love necessitates the provision of space for the expression of each partner's imagination, as well as the demonstration of care and consideration for one another.

If one is in the habit of reporting life events and craving feedback, one may find oneself in a position akin to that of a child with no secrets. In such a state, it may prove challenging to discern the needs of one's romantic partner.

It is evident that the observed change in his behavior was merely a transient emotional response. If the objective is to cultivate a spiritual relationship, it is essential to gain a deeper understanding of one's own emotions and to embrace a more expansive range of feelings. Instead of seeking immediate gratification and expecting a reciprocal response, it is crucial to prioritize the nourishment of the emotional self.

Furthermore, learning to tolerate and recognize one's own feelings is also a challenging endeavor, which is significantly influenced by the relationship between the individual and their primary caregiver.

I wish you the best of luck.

Zhu Rong, a practicing psychologist, is currently working with counselor Gao Shunyuan.