Dear Questioner,
My name is Sunshine, and I am grateful for this opportunity to connect.
The grateful questioner has clear self-awareness, which brings up the topic: "What if I overcome depression and my sense of security in sleep is destroyed?"
It is possible that "insomnia" is merely a symptom, and that the underlying causes require input from a number of individuals to be identified. Given that the questioner has expressed a desire to seek assistance and self-awareness, there are a number of potential avenues for change.
I would like to take this opportunity to share some of my thoughts and ideas on this topic, for the host's reference only.
Please allow me to take a moment to clarify the specific situation described by the questioner.
Let us first clarify the specific situation described by the questioner and then proceed to interpret and analyze it.
Prior to this, I was able to sleep well.
Following an incident that occurred two years ago, I experienced a depressive episode. This led to a tendency to isolate myself and engage in self-harm, accompanied by the belief that I was undeserving of life and deserved to die.
Furthermore, it was not merely an emotional catharsis; I treated it with the gravity it deserved. Ultimately, it became an integral aspect of my subconscious.
I have now reached a point of acceptance, but the sense of security that comes with sleep has been lost.
— Was there an incident that occurred approximately two years ago that may have contributed to the questioner's current state of depression? Could these events have been the initial triggers that led to the depression?
Following these developments, I experienced a period of depression marked by a reluctance to leave the house, self-abuse, self-devaluation, and a sense of unworthiness. These symptoms align with the criteria for "negative feelings and low-motivation behaviors," which may be indicative of the questioner's internalized depression.
From the questioner's narrative, it can be seen that those "self-deprecating/negative feelings/unable to express emotions" have been internalized and embedded in the questioner's "subconscious mind." The "repressed parts" that still exist in the "subconscious mind" will occasionally cause trouble and thus become the "culprit" that disturbs the questioner's sleep.
It is possible that there are still some issues that have not yet been identified and addressed. These issues may still be affecting your sleep. It would be helpful to understand whether they are still hidden deep in the subconscious.
There is an underlying issue that is preventing me from achieving a state of rest and comfort. This internal conflict manifests as an angry and violent persona that disrupts my ability to relax and feel secure. When I am on the verge of falling asleep or experiencing a sense of ease and happiness, this persona suddenly rears its head, undermining my efforts to achieve a peaceful state of mind.
There is an angry and violent individual within, who may be considered the embodiment of our repressed inner self. When emotions within the mind are not released or discharged in a timely manner, they can manifest as physical discomfort, such as insomnia, illness, or pain.
This is due to the organic unity of body and mind. When mental restlessness persists without resolution, it can negatively impact physical well-being, leading to conditions such as insomnia, physical discomfort, and pain.
My subconscious is currently experiencing a high level of negative emotions, including anger, resentment, mania, destruction, and indulgence. I have attempted to communicate with myself, but the results have been inconclusive.
The questioner is acutely aware of this, which suggests the presence of an underlying "flame of anger." The questioner's description aligns with the characteristics of anger, mania, destruction, and indulgence. What forms of repression or inability to express have led to such intense anger?
The questioner attempted to communicate with themselves, but this was unsuccessful. It is possible that this method was ineffective in terms of "expressing anger." Have you tried any other methods?
I have already resorted to compulsive self-abuse.
I believe that if I do not engage in self-abuse, it is likely that I will eventually be abused by others. By resorting to self-abuse, I can avoid being the target of their criticism.
The questioner is aware of the distinction between "compulsive" and "self-abuse." This may occur when we are unable to "express anger" outwardly and instead engage in "self-attack" inwardly, which is a form of "self-abuse." It can also be viewed as a "negative expression" of repressed emotions that cannot be released and are directed at oneself. Ultimately, this can cause harm to oneself.
— When I experience discomfort within myself, when I have already initiated self-harm/self-injury, I believe I can "silence others" to prevent further accusations.
Is it accurate to conclude that a "disguised reaction" intensifies the repression of emotions?
I empathize with the questioner. What form did the pointing and criticism from others take during the questioner's growth process? To what extent did the questioner not feel able to express themselves, leading to self-abuse as a means of coping? Could the root cause of the current situation lie with others, and could the questioner be considered a victim?
I utilize self-abuse as a form of self-protection. I believe that if I display pain and grief, others will not accuse me but rather sympathize with me.
This situation is highly concerning. I am genuinely afraid.
I feel the need to present myself in a certain way to avoid unwanted attention. It seems as though I'm actively seeking out challenges and seeking attention.
The questioner is acutely aware of this phenomenon and views self-abuse as a form of self-protection. By presenting a facade of resilience and composure, the questioner believes that others will be more inclined to sympathize with them and refrain from holding them accountable for their actions. This is an example of an inner self-rationalization mechanism that serves a survival function and is influenced by the powerful subconscious mind.
The questioner considers this to be "abnormal." However, it is not.
Rather, it is a self-defense mechanism to "survive the fittest/avoid their accusations..." and is also a natural instinct.
In the face of the challenging circumstances that have arisen, the questioner has expressed feelings of fear and distress. In response, they have adopted a defensive stance, akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand. This is not a proactive approach but rather a form of helpless resistance when faced with adversity. Could this be a pattern that has developed over time, perhaps over the past few years?
When the questioner's emotional expression is not seen and there is no opportunity to express the anger that has been suppressed for a long time, they will end up feeling depressed, staying at home, self-abusing/self-harming, suppressing anger inside, feeling anxious and restless, having insomnia, and so on.
Can there also be changes in appetite, and is normal life affected?
These are all manifestations of "depressive mood." At present, it has evolved from a purely psychological reaction to physical manifestations, which shows that both the body and mind are exhausted.
It is time to recognize and face this physical and mental expression of oneself!
Based on the aforementioned analysis of the questioner's actual situation, the following approaches may be taken in addressing the matter:
[1] It is recommended that you follow your inner self-awareness, including the current physical and psychological symptoms. You may wish to record all this self-awareness and then seek out a trusted family member/friend/psychologist as soon as possible to talk to/consult with, in order to discover the deeper issues.
[2] It may be beneficial for the questioner to seek the assistance of additional professional resources to address past experiences and facilitate growth, including understanding the role of external factors in triggering depression. Identifying the nature of the evolutionary process within oneself can also be valuable. These insights can assist the questioner in exploring their inner depths.
[3] I suggest reading "Embrace Your Depressive Mood." Reading may also help you understand yourself better. However, some issues require the attention of a professional. Accepting your current situation and finding an appropriate method of self-care may be beneficial in your recovery process.
[4] It is unclear how long the questioner has been in this situation. If it has been more than two weeks, it is recommended that the questioner seek professional treatment at a local hospital's psychiatric department if self-redemption is not sufficient. Given the presence of insomnia and the questioner's "self-abusive" behavior, it is imperative to ascertain the underlying cause as soon as possible. This is the most effective method for addressing the fundamental problem, and the questioner is advised to follow the doctor's advice carefully.
If you require medication or counseling to assist in treatment, it will help the questioner find out the truth as soon as possible. Please do not waste any time.
The above is a response to the original question, which is solely my personal opinion. It is my hope that it will encourage further reflection and provide some inspiration and assistance to the original poster. I welcome more in-depth discussions. I pray that the original poster will soon overcome this challenge and embrace a free and carefree life.
Best regards,
[Name]
I extend my warmest regards to you all.
I am here to spread joy and positivity, and I am committed to making the world a better place.
I love you all!
Comments
I can relate to feeling like there's a part of me that sabotages my peace. It's terrifying when it feels like your own mind is against you, especially when trying to rest. Sleep used to be a sanctuary, and now it's been tainted with anxiety and fear. I wish I could find a way to silence that angry voice inside.
It's heartbreaking to admit that I've turned to hurting myself as a shield. In a twisted way, it's become a method to preemptively protect myself from the judgment or potential harm from others. It's a cycle I know isn't healthy but feels necessary for survival in this moment. The thought of unwrapping myself and being vulnerable again is overwhelming.
The struggle with sleep has been a constant battle. Just when I'm about to drift off, it's like an internal alarm goes off, waking me up because comfort feels foreign and undeserved. I long for the days when sleep came naturally, without the internal conflict and turmoil. It's exhausting to fight this war within myself every night.
I'm scared of what I might become if I continue down this path. Wrapping myself in pain seems like the only way to cope, but deep down, I know it's not a solution. I want to believe that there's a way out of this darkness, where I don't have to rely on selfharm for protection or attention. I'm searching for that light, hoping it will guide me to a place of healing.