Anxiety about caring for family members, feeling my life is awkward and repulsive, what should I do?

After listening to this, I feel a bit distressed. I would like to offer the original poster a warm hug.

You mention that you have a tendency to be violent towards children, which is understandable given the way you were treated when you were growing up.

I can see that you're aware of this, and I admire your decision not to get close to children.

You may feel as though you are living a life of sin and feel disgusted with yourself. This could be because the way you were treated or the messages you received from others when you were growing up made you feel that you were sinful, disgusting, and undeserving in the eyes of others.

As a person grows up, especially when they are young, they tend to absorb the attitudes of others towards them and make them their own.

If you listen carefully to the voice inside you, the one that never speaks, the one that was criticized, blamed, and abused as a child, you may hear it say, "I'm scared, I don't know what to do, I need help, I don't want to be hated."

Perhaps the most important thing for you now is to consider refraining from self-attack.

It is important to recognize that self-attack is not a personal failing, but rather a consequence of one's upbringing.

But you still have room for change. You can be kinder to yourself. Perhaps you could start by not attacking yourself anymore. It might be helpful to listen more to the voice of that part of you that is being attacked deep inside, and to try to hear his sadness and grief. Then you may find that you slowly stop identifying with the voices that attack you.

If you have the means, you might consider talking to someone or seeking counseling, as this could be beneficial. If the conditions are not suitable, you can also help yourself by reading more books on psychology or the mind-body connection.