Cannot forgive my parents' neglect and abuse from my childhood, what should I do?

This is totally normal! Many people have their own childhood shadows and spend their whole lives trying to heal their unhappy childhoods. So it's totally understandable to have regrets and dissatisfaction with your parents.

In our childhood, we all longed for a warm and loving family and the love of our parents. As we grow up, we also have the amazing opportunity to learn to understand our parents. Parents also have their limitations, but everyone living in the world cannot escape the limitations of the times. The idea of preferring sons over daughters was normal in that era and is still normal today. It is something that is inherent in the times and traditional culture. We cannot change them, nor can we change the memories of the past. But we can look forward and let ourselves live in the present!

You can express your dissatisfaction with your parents in a quiet place where no one can see you, allow yourself to have emotions, and also express your dissatisfaction with your parents in writing. Then, you can reimagine what kind of parents you want to have, and use your current eyes to rediscover the good qualities in your parents.

You have the power to choose not to forgive your parents for their mistakes. You can have your own life and be your own person! You will also eventually have a family and children. You can become an excellent parent in your children's eyes by working hard and becoming the best version of yourself.

Embrace the power to change yourself! Don't dwell on the past or try to change other people.

A gesture of comfort from a distance.

The questioner's description:

My parents exhibited a preference for their sons over their daughters, and my father displayed a proclivity for anger. I was compelled to navigate a childhood characterized by a heightened state of vigilance, striving to avoid any potential sources of conflict. I assumed significant responsibilities in the domestic sphere and on the farm at a tender age, and I was acutely aware of the need to exercise caution in my words and actions, given the propensity of my father to resort to physical violence without provocation.

In order to attend school, I have consistently demonstrated obedience and diligence, and my academic performance has consistently been exemplary.

As he matured, his father's demeanor exhibited a modest degree of improvement. However, he remains unable to reconcile the experiences he endured during his formative years, prompting frequent bouts of emotional distress.

My father is approaching 70 years of age, his health is weak, he has been hospitalized on numerous occasions, and he is largely incapacitated. He is filled with anger and unable to move on from past hurts.

The questioner's doubts are as follows:

What is the optimal course of action in this situation?

The following words are directed to the questioner:

The author displays a high level of literary knowledge and demonstrates a command of language through the use of sophisticated vocabulary and intricate sentence structure. It is evident that the author has invested significant effort into his studies. However, the text lacks a certain vitality.

You assumed a greater degree of responsibility than is typical for someone of your age, providing care for numerous family members and demonstrating remarkable maturity. Despite the challenges you have faced, you continued to care for your ailing father during your formative years. It is evident that you find it difficult to move on from the past.

It is a common occurrence for individuals to experience familial challenges. These experiences can foster resilience and encourage introspection, prompting individuals to reflect on their lives and seek answers within.

It is not inherently problematic to be unable to forget past experiences. One can instead focus on the present. However, it is important to consider whether there will be any regrets, as certain actions may no longer be feasible for an individual to take after this period of time, given their current circumstances.

Hello, question asker! Thanks for asking the question!

I'll give you a hug!

All the previous answers to your question are reasonable! I can also relate to being a girl born into a family that values boys over girls.

You were luckier than us because you weren't beaten up all the time! Maybe it's because we were three girls in our family, and maybe our parents just accepted our fate!

As far as I can remember, my parents rarely smiled and always had long faces! Back then, because we were all girls, our parents were often teased by the villagers and even mocked when they had an argument!

I can now see how the products of that era were unfair to girls. It wasn't that our parents didn't love us; it was just the result of the times.

I didn't understand my father either. I felt he was very selfish. Our daughters have all grown up and are doing well in their own ways.

Often, we couldn't understand our father. He wasn't willing to think for our children and always wanted them to buy things, which were expensive. He also wasn't willing to help our children with things they could do, and he spoke harshly.

For a while, it made all of us sisters feel bad. We all felt that our father was a bit ungrateful and unaware of his blessings.

Later on, through continuous learning, self-healing, and acceptance, we gradually saw the truth of the matter. As it turns out, my father is now trying to make up for his past shortcomings in this way.

He let us buy those expensive things, and in another way, he was satisfying the inferiority complex of having been teased for not having a son! He was basically saying to those who had teased him, "I don't have a son, only daughters, but I'm doing better than you!"

He's proving something to others while also satisfying a need for love that he never got met.

Parents have their own lessons to learn, and we have our own lessons to learn.

Having parents who give you life is the greatest grace! We allow ourselves to be dissatisfied with our parents' behavior, and at the same time, we see what our needs are behind our emotions.

There's no need to dwell on forgiving or not forgiving. These are lessons we need to learn on our own. Forgive your parents, and you can live a better life.

After all, we've grown up and can give ourselves what our parents couldn't. Maybe they didn't have it themselves, so how could they have given it to us?

Absolutely! Once we understand this, I think it'll help us feel a lot better.

Love is fluid, and fathers are actually growing! God gave us the chance to become father and daughter or mother and daughter, and then everything that happens is allowed to happen!

Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens to make you better.

I hope you find my experience helpful!

I've gone from focusing on myself to helping others, believing in the world, and loving you! You deserve the world's gentle treatment!

Love that little old self of yours and give her everything she needs! You have the power now!

Let's do this!

Hello, question asker! From your question, I understand that when you were a child, due to your father's preference for your brother and his occasional short temper, you lived a life of walking on thin ice at a young age. Now that you are an adult, your father's attitude has improved. While you are carefully taking care of your elderly and frail father, you still cannot forget your childhood growing up experience.

I empathize with the questioner's sentiments and can relate to the challenges of their upbringing. To excel academically, the questioner exhibited exemplary behavior and consistently demonstrated remarkable academic prowess. I am confident that the questioner is currently leading a fulfilling life.

If I might offer you some advice,

First, it might be helpful to recall the positive aspects of your own childhood and to focus less on the negative. However, we all come from different family backgrounds and upbringings. As parents, they love their children in different ways, and families with many children often face significant challenges. It's not uncommon for the father, as the head of the family, to have a short temper. If you can put yourself in his shoes and try to understand, you may be able to find it in your heart to forgive your father.

Second, when your father is in a good mood, you might consider telling him in the form of a story about the scenes of him beating and scolding you when you were young. You could also explain to him that you have always had psychological knots. If you were to communicate like this once, perhaps you would be able to let go of the knot, and your father might also be willing to explain to you the reasons for beating and scolding you at that time. Both sides might find a way to let go.

Third, if the questioner has a family and career, and has children, it would be beneficial for them to raise and love their children well, and to let them grow up healthily. This may help them to let go of the unpleasantness of their own growth process.

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my best wishes to the questioner for happiness.

:

Good day, host. I am July.

After reading your description, I have a better understanding of the question you wish to ask, and I would like to express my empathy in the form of a gesture of comfort.

From your description, it is evident that your attitude towards your father has undergone a transformation. In other words, your attitude towards your father at each stage of your life is distinct. During your childhood, you exhibited a proclivity for cruelty towards your father. Despite the apparent extent of your transgressions, it is unclear why you persisted in provoking his beatings and scoldings for no apparent reason.

As the child matures, however, the parent's attitude toward the child tends to improve. Despite short-term fluctuations in the child's evaluation of the parent, the child will never forget the mistreatment it experienced at the hands of the parent during its childhood. Even if the parent's attitude toward the child later changes for the better, the child may still harbor deep-seated resentment toward the parent from its childhood.

In fact, the host can facilitate the realization of changes in the relationship with the father. To a certain extent, the host has also undergone personal growth. However, at the present moment, the host is more entrenched in the past, specifically in the environment where the host was subjected to disciplinary actions and physical abuse by the father during childhood. This prolonged state of emotional attachment to the past is a significant obstacle to progress.

The experience in question caused you significant distress. However, it also resulted in your growth and maturation. For instance, your father's actions prompted you to pursue academic excellence and to seek an expedient departure from your familial environment.

Although your father treated you poorly when you were young, you also mentioned that your father favored sons over daughters. Therefore, it can be reasonably assumed that your father's mistreatment of you was, at least in part, a result of your gender. However, it is likely that your father also came to recognize the error of his ways as you matured. This is evidenced by the slight shift in his attitude towards you as you grew older and the subsequent efforts he made to repair the damage caused by his actions.

One cannot choose one's family of origin, but one can alter one's attitude and perception of past experiences, thereby reducing their impact.

Given that you have broken away from your past environment and have become an independent individual, it is likely that you would benefit from a complete emotional release. This could be achieved through an open conversation with your father, during which you could express some of the feelings and thoughts you have been holding onto. However, it is important to exercise control over the strength of your emotions during this conversation.

If the barrier is not broken down by the individual, it will persist in the subconscious and affect the individual throughout their life. At this point in time, it is possible for the individual to discuss the past with their father. The individual has never been able to let go, but discussing the matter will help to resolve it.

The child within has been liberated from the past and is not being repressed by the individual in the present.

It is therefore recommended that you take your time. It is not uncommon for individuals to spend their entire lives attempting to overcome the emotional trauma they experienced during their upbringing. This is due to the fact that there are numerous individuals in the world who have also been affected by their families in a similar manner. It is therefore important to allow yourself the necessary time and energy to process these issues. You have the capacity to do so, and I am confident that you will succeed.

The world and I extend our love to you.

Please be well.

Hello! I'm the author of this piece.

After reading your story, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you in your childhood. I'll give you a big virtual hug!

You're in your thirties, but you're still hung up on the hurt you suffered as a child. It shows how much childhood trauma has affected you! I also read that you said, "As I grew up, my father's attitude gradually improved, and when I became an adult, his attitude became even better." Your father's attitude towards you has now improved, but you're still holding onto the feelings from your childhood.

It seems like your current self is always influenced by your childhood self when it comes to emotions. Basically, there's an inner child from your childhood living in your heart, and it occasionally pops up to bring up unpleasant feelings from your childhood, which then influence your current emotions.

We can't choose our parents, and the way they raise their kids is also related to the education they received in their environment. Parents have their limitations, so they give their kids the best they think they can do at the moment. As a father gains more experience, he grows as a person, and this is reflected in the way he treats you.

You've also grown up and might even be a parent yourself. If childhood memories bring up some tough experiences, try to look at them from a different angle. You've also gained some valuable lessons from the experience, which have taught you how to be a good parent and helped you avoid some common pitfalls. You're now in a position to give your child a great upbringing.

As an adult, you have the power to heal yourself and give yourself what you once lacked. You are complete in yourself. When childhood feelings resurface, take a moment to press the pause button on yourself and remind yourself that it's the inner child acting. You can choose to embrace the adult self to comfort the inner child who lacks love. And you can give love to yourself.

I'm just a person in the rain, but I hope my sharing can help you!

Hello. I'm going to give you a 360-degree hug. I may have to say something you don't want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Many people feel this way. If they weren't treated well by their parents when they were young, they may grow up feeling entitled, wondering why, and expecting an apology. Let's be clear: parents are waiting for us to say thank you, and we are waiting for them to say sorry.

But on the other hand, parents may not even realize the harm they have done to their children because they have also gone through the same things. They may believe that they have no option of apologizing to their children. For example, as the saying goes, there are no perfect parents in the world. Even if they know they are wrong, they may find it hard to lower their face and apologize to their children.

Parents have limitations caused by the times and their upbringing. They may also be victims. This does not give them a free pass to hurt their children.

You also mentioned in your question that your father's attitude changed after you grew up. He became a better person as an adult. Undoubtedly, he saw the changes of the times and realized his own mistakes back then. As a man in that environment, he probably didn't realize his own mistakes. Now, he probably can't bring himself to say sorry.

I firmly believe that everyone is a victim of the so-called harm done by the original family. Does that feel frustrating?

Yes, in these situations, I always look forward. I look to the future, just like Fu Gui in Yu Hua's "To Live" and the "Fu Gui" in "Tan Tan Traffic," who is said to be the real-life version of Fu Gui.

Life is difficult. We cannot go back and fix it. Jia Ling in "Hello, My Name Is Li Huanying" cannot go back to her youth and to when her mother was young.

So what we can do is look forward. I call this fate, and it's something we must accept, embrace, and move forward with.

If it is a wound, it will not heal. Accept it and move on. If you don't want to look at it, cover it up.

You may say, "Is it really that easy to let go?" The answer is a resounding "Yes." There is no other way.

Turning over a new leaf is not for the sake of others. It's not without resentment. It means one thing: "That's it, let go of yourself, reconcile with yourself." It's not for the sake of others. It's for yourself.

You must let go to become lighter.

You should also talk to a counselor. I'm often depressed, but I'm also occasionally motivated. The world and I love you.

Hello, I'm Qingxiang, and I'd like to discuss this with you.

After reading your description of the experience, I was deeply moved. I thought of the saying, "The most heartbreaking children are the well-behaved and sensible ones when they were young."

— although we were taught to believe that

"Our bodies and hair are a gift from our parents,"

"Parents' kindness to us is as heavy as a mountain."

"The heavy favor of a ten-month pregnancy is lightly repaid in three lifetimes."

"I believe that every parent is inherently perfect."

"We should repay our parents' kindness with a spring of water"...

— But discomfort is discomfort.

We have managed to survive to this day by relying on the strength of our own resilience and by striving to find ways to heal the wounds that our parents have inflicted on us, which are still very much present.

If you're unfortunate, it's possible that once you've tried to move on from a difficult situation with your parents, they may bring up past issues or make comments that could be perceived as hurtful.

Over time, this can result in a buildup of emotional distress, even if it doesn't lead to immediate physical harm. While it may not be fatal, it can certainly make life more challenging.

— Admitting to being hurt is a difficult thing to do.

I believe that when we consider the issue of forgiving our parents, it is something that is worth exploring.

Forgiveness is not something that can be achieved by simply thinking about it three times a day or being given ideological education by teachers every day. It is also not something that can be controlled by the will of the person involved. Forgiveness that is taught or reflected upon is often a defense against anger towards one's parents.

We were hurt by our parents. They have left us with some difficult emotions, including pain, despair, anger, and a sense of helplessness. They were the source of some negative experiences in our lives, and that is a fact.

If our defenses are too strong and our repression too deep, it can be challenging to perceive, see, or understand our own anger and hatred towards our parents. This can also make it difficult to mourn the past harm. It may be difficult to forgive our parents in a realistic way.

All things considered, what's wrong is wrong, and we still have to go on with our lives.

Perhaps the root of the issue lies in the patriarchal society, deeply entrenched ideas, and the reality of male superiority.

(1) In order to move forward and develop as an individual, it is important to gradually establish a sense of independence and autonomy from our parents. This process of psychological separation allows us to truly grow up and become our own person.

While we are born of our parents, we are also independent beings. Our parents give us life, but they are not the source of our existence.

Growing up independently is a process of psychological independence from one's original family. It involves seeing oneself as an individual, rather than as part of a larger family unit. This shift in perspective allows us to view our lives as the primary subject, while the original family becomes part of our broader identity.

2) We accept it and then try to overcome the negative effects it has on us.

We are no longer simply children of our family of origin; we take on our family of origin as independent individuals. In this way, we are no longer just our parents' children. As independent people, we face our parents and our relationship with each other.

By observing this relationship and loving yourself, you can find the strength to stop being controlled by it, stop getting hurt by it, and stop hurting others.

3) It would be beneficial to learn to love yourself.

It would be beneficial to see the essence of the entire relationship, give up unrealistic fantasies, and on the basis of understanding and tolerance for one's parents, be loyal to one's own feelings and defend one's legitimate interests.

Perhaps it would be helpful to switch from a pattern of seeking externally from an inner sense of lack to a pattern of focusing inward and loving yourself. This could be a way to become strong.

It may be helpful to consider that forgiveness should only be practised once one has reached a certain level of maturity.

Psychologist Sun Ping offers a different perspective on forgiveness. She suggests that it is not about forgetting and moving on. Instead, forgiveness is a process of remembering, acknowledging the events and emotions involved, and using this understanding to prevent similar situations from occurring in the future.

My name is Qingxiang, and I'm sharing some thoughts and suggestions that I hope will be helpful.

I would like to express my love for the world and all of its inhabitants.