Childhood trauma. I have already perceived the harm it has done to my life. How can I heal?

Good day, questioner.

I can relate to your situation and understand your concerns.

I have had the privilege of working under a leader of the opposite sex for more than 20 years, and I have always felt valued. However, last year, he was promoted, and I was also promoted, but I am still under his supervision.

It seems that he no longer values me as much as he used to. He keeps saying that this is not good and that is not good. Meanwhile, he is praising a female colleague who may not be as competent as she could be, and who could perhaps be more reserved.

As a result, I had a rather intense disagreement with him, which unfortunately led to a certain degree of tension in our relationship. I came to understand that this might have been a manifestation of a shadow from my childhood, when my father was away from home and I had a disagreement with my sister over his attention.

I came to understand the cause and also practised meditation, reminding myself that he is not my father and that the woman is not my sister.

It may be helpful to recognize that feeling uncomfortable is a sign that childhood trauma may be a factor. Rather than reacting blindly to these feelings in the moment, it can be beneficial to take a step back and assess the situation.

Such a situation could potentially impact our work, interpersonal relationships, and character in ways that are not beneficial.

Our interpersonal relationships may become strained, and this negative thinking pattern may cause us to think negatively without realizing it, which could potentially lead to a pessimistic and negative outlook.

It is fortunate that you have become aware of your childhood shadow, which may have been the result of your struggle with your sister for your father's love.

Regarding that bright female colleague, it would be beneficial to consider that dressing appropriately is a beautiful quality in a woman. It's possible that your feelings towards her may be influenced by some degree of bias.

This could potentially give rise to some negative emotions. It may be the case that the leader is partial to her and is competing for your resources. You may wish to consider whether it is her appearance or ability that is the factor.

If it's about appearance, we can also consider ways to enhance our appearance. It's always beneficial to present ourselves in a way that is pleasing to the eye.

If it's about ability, it might be helpful to learn from others and make progress together.

Healing yourself from the shadows of your childhood may require a combination of childhood experiences and an objective view of the relationship between yourself, your sister, and your father. It may be helpful to consider that changing the idea that we were hurt could be a way to heal us fundamentally.

It's possible that competing with your sister for your father's love is a way of having your needs met. It's worth considering whether your father really favored one over the other, or whether you felt that way.

I wonder if I might ask you how your relationship with your sister is?

You might find it helpful to read some articles about healing relationships with your family of origin. Please take your time to reflect on this.

I hope this is helpful. I care about you and I love the world.

Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for taking the time to describe your situation. I believe there may be other factors contributing to your distress, beyond your childhood experiences. Kind regards, [Name]

A brief analysis is as follows:

The distress you are currently experiencing is a common issue in social interactions. Simply put, your previous mode of existence and interpersonal skills are no longer fully adapted to the new environment (job change), which is the main cause of your current distress.

It would be beneficial to refocus on the subject at hand, which is work itself. While the workplace is a complex process, there are established rules that must be followed. It is important to understand the essence of the matter, which includes, but is not limited to, workplace survival, human nature, and the environment.

Your new position and career mean that, although you report to him, you can no longer satisfy some of his desires (such as a sense of novelty). To avoid escalating conflicts, you should not expect the other person to give you priority, but instead rely on yourself.

Professional interactions are limited to work-related matters.

2. This kind of distress is closely related to personal expectations. You still expect the previous pattern to continue, but the reality is already moving further and further away from your expectations, and is even going in the opposite direction. As a result, you feel a sense of loss and develop the idea that you have been betrayed and abandoned.

The workplace is always the workplace. It is challenging, but it is essential to adjust expectations in line with changing objective realities. Sometimes, maintaining distance can be beneficial. It is not about rejecting the individual, but rather about avoiding being misunderstood by others (who may be biased towards your own people). After 20 years, there should be a certain level of rapport, and it is important not to completely destroy the relationship.

3. The root cause of your distress is an internal desire to avoid and shirk responsibility. This avoidance and shirking of responsibility is primarily manifested in your tendency to ascribe the cause to your childhood. I believe you have been searching for a cause all this time. One day, you read about psychoanalytic theory and suddenly discovered that your situation was caused by your childhood.

You should be commended for your ability to confront your challenges directly. However, it is important not to restrict your thinking to theoretical frameworks alone.

As previously stated, attributing changes in your social life and environment to your childhood may not provide the answers you seek. It is advisable to address the issue directly, explore alternative methods of adaptation, and overcome your own psychological constraints as soon as possible.

4. Based on your description, I do not believe this is a childhood issue. It is simply human nature to compete for limited resources. This dynamic is also evident in international relations, as illustrated by the ongoing dispute over oil.

You and your sister compete for your father's attention, and this provides a sense of comfort. The comfort lies in 1) your father's presence; 2) the joy of successfully influencing your father's affections; and 3) the thrill of being superior to others.

If you are of the same opinion, I believe it would be beneficial for you to reconcile your relationship with your sister.

Best regards,

From your account, it seems that you are encountering difficulties at work. You and a leader with whom you have had a good working relationship for over 20 years have had a falling out due to a job change, and the relationship has become strained.

You have already begun to reflect on the situation, looking for the root cause in your own childhood trauma. You can understand your current confusion and your urgent desire to resolve the issue.

You are aware of the challenges you faced in your childhood and are trying to help yourself understand and resolve the dilemma you are facing now. This self-awareness is commendable. However, this awareness alone may not be sufficient. We can analyze and understand the problem you are facing from the following perspectives.

Identify the root cause in the nature of the relationship.

The fundamental objective of any relationship is mutual satisfaction of needs. When a relationship is experiencing difficulties, it is advisable to analyse and understand it from the perspective of its fundamental principles.

You have been employed by this leader for over 20 years and have consistently received positive feedback. It is uncommon for a superior and subordinate to maintain such a long-term, harmonious relationship, particularly when there is a simultaneous promotion. The results of your work have been highly satisfactory.

As a subordinate, you may be able to function independently at work, providing your leader with the assurance that you can handle your responsibilities. You may also play a significant role in achieving the department's work goals. With the leader's trust and attention, you can utilize your talents to their fullest potential, leading to a highly satisfying and rewarding work experience.

Following your promotion, he no longer directly supervises you, and your talents are no longer directly available to him. You may even become a potential threat to him. Therefore, his attitude towards you has changed, and it is likely that you are unable to satisfy his needs as you once did.

He redirects the attention he previously directed towards you to other female colleagues. This attention originally belonged to you, and you are also unable to be as satisfied as before in your relationship with him. You both feel dissatisfied with the relationship, and this dissatisfaction manifests in behavioral issues, such as him making negative comments about you and you engaging in conflict with him.

It is important to address the changes in the relationship.

As meeting needs is the essence of a relationship, adjusting needs is an important part of adapting to relationship changes. It is therefore essential to pay attention to this aspect and learn how to manage our relationships effectively.

In a department, direct supervisors and subordinates share a similar fate and interests, which fosters a close workplace relationship. This dynamic is somewhat akin to that of a "family."

Following the promotion, the two of you are no longer in the same department, and each has their own interests. The relationship has evolved from that of "family" with closely interlinked interests to that of "partners" who can cooperate with and influence each other, and it is bound to become looser.

It is essential to be aware of the changes in the relationship and to adjust your inner needs to accommodate them. This will help you to maintain initiative and a sense of control in the relationship.

You have indicated that the leader's emphasis on and praise for a female colleague who is incompetent, brazen, and flirtatious indicates a lack of regard for her. In light of your childhood trauma, you may perceive this female colleague as having taken something that rightfully belongs to you.

From the manager's perspective, this emphasis and praise may be an attempt to establish a new relationship in order to protect the interests of his department. Your position with your manager has changed, and you are unable to meet his current work needs, so he must find other ways to meet those needs.

Similarly, you have been promoted and you have a new direct supervisor, which represents a new relationship that you need to navigate. The attention and praise you expect should be sought from your direct supervisor. You must adapt to the changes in the relationship between the two.

It is important to make timely self-adjustments.

You indicate that you still experience anger when you reflect on your boss's attitude and comments about the woman. To resolve this issue, it is necessary to make adjustments.

First, it is important to let go of your attachment to the previous relationship and commit to your new role. Despite the promotion, you may still be attached to the position where you were cared for and valued by your previous leader. This attachment may prevent you from fully accepting the change in status and position.

It is important to focus your attention on your new position, understand the various workplace relationships that your new role requires, and adopt the appropriate mindset.

Secondly, it is important to be able to empathise with the views of others in order to maintain a balanced state of mind. It would appear that your leader holds a positive regard for a female colleague. In order to maintain a calm state of mind when dealing with this matter, it would be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of the reasons behind this view. It would also be helpful to explore the strengths and advantages of this female colleague.

Third, pursue your interests and focus on your personal development. The workplace is only one aspect of life, and there are many engaging opportunities beyond it.

You may choose to focus on the aspects of your new role that align with your interests, while maintaining a busy schedule. This can help you to focus on your inner feelings and cultivate an open mind.

My name is Teng Ying, and I am a psychological counselor. I hope this information is helpful to you.