Extreme low self-esteem, unable to find oneself, imitating others, causing a series of problems, what should I do?

It's totally normal to feel like you don't know who you are sometimes! We all have days like that. But it sounds like you're struggling with a lack of self-identity and a sense of self-worth. There could be a number of reasons for that, and we're going to look at them one by one and come up with some ideas on how you can start to feel better.

1. Let's take a closer look at what's going on here.

You went through some tough times in your family when you were growing up. Your parents got divorced, and your grandfather was really strict, which might have made you feel insecure and inferior. It's totally understandable that you might have looked for love and acceptance from others.

It's totally normal to want to fit in and be liked. We all do it! But when you lack self-confidence and self-identity, you might find yourself imitating others to gain recognition and a sense of belonging. This can be a good way to integrate into social circles and gain a sense of identity. But if you rely too much on imitation, you might lose your own uniqueness and value.

You describe a vague sense of self, lacking a clear perception of your own characteristics and strengths. This lack of self-awareness may cause you to focus excessively on what others think, and thus neglect your own inner needs and values.

You care a lot about what others think of you, and you long to be recognized and loved by them. This strong social need may drive you to imitate others in the hope of gaining more attention and appreciation.

2. Let's talk about the challenges of copying others.

It's totally normal to want to fit in and be liked. We all do it! But when we imitate others, we might choose some of their characteristics or behaviors too one-sidedly and ignore the meaning and value behind them. This kind of taking things out of context has led to a distortion of our imitating behavior, which has taken us even further away from our true selves.

In your interactions with others, you may be overly dependent on the approval and attention of others, and even willing to ignore your own principles and bottom line. This mentality of climbing the social ladder not only affects your self-identity, but also may damage your relationships with others. I'm here to help you with this!

3. Here are some tips to help you change your current situation:

Take the time to think deeply and explore your own thoughts and feelings. This will help you to understand yourself better and to identify your own strengths, interests and values. When you know yourself better, you will feel more confident and valued.

It's so important to learn to think and judge independently. It's also really helpful to remember not to blindly follow the actions or opinions of others. It's great to respect your own thoughts and feelings, and to stick to your own principles and values.

It's so important to realize that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. We all have imperfections, and that's totally normal! The key is to accept them and strive to improve and grow. Don't be overly demanding for perfection — instead, actively face your shortcomings and seek ways to improve. You've got this!

Build your relationships on sincerity and respect, and make sure you're surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are. It's okay to grow and change, but don't lose sight of your principles and bottom lines just to gain the approval of others. True friends will accept and support you, no matter what!

It's so important to cultivate self-confidence, believe in your own value and abilities, and learn to think independently and make your own choices. Don't blindly follow in the footsteps of others!

It's so important to cultivate good behavior habits and moral concepts. We should all try our best to refuse to steal and lie, and to learn to take responsibility for our actions. It's also crucial to stop avoiding and shirking responsibility.

I really hope you understand that imitation itself is not wrong. It's just that you need to choose the right object and method, learn the good points from others, and incorporate them into your own life. That way, you won't lose yourself and imitate certain behaviors of others.

Changing yourself is a big step, but it's totally doable! It all starts with understanding and accepting yourself, building healthy social relationships, and developing self-confidence and autonomy. You'll also need to learn how to imitate behaviors in a positive way and set good examples for others. This is a long-term journey, but it's worth it! As long as you're willing to put in the effort, you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

Hello! From what I can see on your account, it seems like your childhood left you with some insecurities. It's so hard when you can't live with your parents and have to live with your strict grandfather, who often scolded you. I can see how that would make it really hard to find yourself.

Wu Zhihong has put together a lovely summary of the five stages of self-birth and development. They are the shell of narcissism, the embrace of motherly love, the haven of home, the melting pot of society, and the infinite world.

The first three stages are related to the nurturer. There's a core conflict in self-development, which is basically about finding that sweet spot between having your basic needs met and setting healthy boundaries. It's only when a child feels loved and cared for by their nurturer (not just in terms of meeting their basic needs for survival, but also emotionally and in terms of their self-esteem) that they can develop a healthy sense of self-worth, like feeling like their needs are valid and that they're worthy of love.

It's also important to respect each other's boundaries. A nurturer should respect the child's boundaries and not hit or scold at will. At the same time, the child needs to see that the parent/nurturer also has boundaries, so that the child can realize that people need boundaries with each other.

In your upbringing, it's understandable that your needs and sense of boundaries weren't met or modeled in the best way. It's not easy growing up without a stable relationship to rely on or a good role model to learn from. This can make it hard for your inner self to develop.

You had to enter the "social melting pot" too early and find yourself by imitating others. It's totally normal to want to become just like your classmates, who are strong, capable, and popular. We all do it!

You've paid a high price, but you haven't stood still. You've reflected on yourself and changed maladaptive behaviors. That's an inner drive to "incubate" yourself anew!

You can still start establishing your identity as an adult by meeting your needs and setting boundaries.

Meeting your needs is all about paying attention to your inner feelings and respecting them. You can do this by treating yourself as you would your ideal parent or best friend. And setting boundaries is about seeing yourself as a unique individual who can connect with others, but who also has their own identity and can't merge with them.

You can start enriching your life in so many wonderful ways! Take care of your physical and mental health, learn something new, cultivate hobbies, and look at the multitude of people with the perspective of an observer. Don't just focus on those who are successful—there are so many different aspects of life to explore. This will help you broaden your own space and slowly build new relationships.

I can feel your pain and anxiety. You grew up without love or education. You imitate others to become better. It's good that you want to change. You've made efforts and your behavior has improved. You can change without anxiety.

Since childhood, you have wanted to become an attractive and outstanding person. When you see someone else admire everything about her, you try to become her. However, you are just not doing it the right way. You are also ignoring the fact that you are you, and you also have your own unique charm and advantages.

However, when you imitate others, you lose sight of yourself. You don't know your strengths. You care about what others think and change yourself based on their opinions.

You want to be better and you're working hard. You're in the shadow of others, but you're still yourself. You're enterprising and persistent.

If you want to change, focus on your strengths, pay attention to yourself, do things that make you feel good, read books with different values, don't let others influence you, and relax. You will love yourself more and enjoy improving yourself.

You're not bad, you just don't know better. It's normal to feel confused after changing and trying hard. You've learned to love yourself, so don't worry. Just be yourself. You're special, and change will make you a better person.

Hello.

You mentioned that you imitated others from childhood to adulthood, which caused you a lot of trouble. I guess when you were a child, imitating others also had some benefit for you.

You're finally recognizing the underlying issues and addressing them. As humans, we all develop patterns of behavior based on our life experiences and upbringing.

These habits have lasted for many years because they served us well in the early years, so we stuck with them for a long time. Now that you've grown up, you've made a lot of progress, and you realize that these habits you formed before are no longer suitable for your current life.

From what you've written, it's clear that you're changing and searching for yourself. You can see your growth in your experiences.

You might not have been aware of it yourself, but we could all see it.

You mentioned that your childhood inferiority complex stemmed from your grandfather's beatings. Absolutely. When we were young and being suppressed by strict carers, our young hearts didn't consider the possibility that the person who beat us might have a problem.

Instead, we would blame ourselves for not doing a good job and think it was our own fault. So children would feel inferior and would especially want to please the stern grandfather. Pleasing him meant that we could get less beatings.

We also identified with Grandpa's authority, wanting to be like him, so majestic and powerful. But at that time, you were too young to have that authority, so you could only imitate it, only pretending to be powerful.

In primary school, you were the class monitor's lackey and even provided her with pocket money. You lied and said you were the monitor yourself, perhaps you were just using your close relationship with the monitor to show off your power.

When you were in primary school, you learned to cling to the monitor, to lie, and to steal. But when you graduated from primary school, you stopped stealing. Stealing wasn't a problem anymore; it was a habit that had changed.

This is the first big step forward in your life.

When you try to please others, you're trying to get on their good side. When you imitate others, you imitate the characteristics you think are good because you want to be good, just like those people, and you want to develop in a good direction.

Later on, you found out that the things you thought were good about them weren't actually good after all. You realized you hadn't become that good of a person after all. You were awakened by criticism from others.

But the ability to want to change and to be able to change is something that is inherent within yourself.

Your own awakening also shows that you have the ability to change and the power to do so. The facts also show that you are indeed changing little by little.

Then you grew up and went to university. You didn't try so hard to imitate others, and you found that your imitating behavior decreased a lot.

You've started to develop self-awareness, which is a big step forward. Because awareness is the first step to making a change.

You're pretty good at reflecting on and examining yourself. You've also started to see that your imitation and flattery of others is a sign of a lack of self. Pleasing or agreeing with the judgments of others is a loss of self.

You're starting to become aware of your own identity.

Knowing yourself is a big deal. It's something we should keep exploring throughout our lives. We're here to learn more about ourselves.

Take a moment to see the real self deep within us that we have ignored for many years and hidden under a mask. Perhaps for so many years you have been trying to please and imitate others, without ever really asking yourself, "What kind of person am I?"

What are my needs? What kind of person do I want to be?

All of this requires some exploration.

The first thing to do is to accept yourself. We all have different experiences and backgrounds, so our personalities and habits are naturally different.

All of this is our past, and there's no way to change it. Those were all parts of my past self, and we need to accept all of us.

Since we don't want our future selves to repeat their previous habits, we'll look for new ways of thinking and understanding, to look at things and relationships. Explore a path to see and affirm yourself.

You can also reach out to a psychological counselor and work with them to explore your subconscious together. This can help you see the real you that has been hidden for many years, explore yourself, grow, and change.

I love the world, and I think you should love yourself too.

Hello!

I admire your honesty and courage in facing your past head-on and exploring your own shortcomings and problems.

If you were always treated harshly or didn't have a warm and understanding childhood, it can make it hard to understand your true self. You might find yourself always hoping to achieve some ideal conditions in order to be accepted by others. It can seem like the only way to become yourself is by imitating others, but you'll gradually discover that this is not really who you are.

I can see you're going through a tough time right now. It can make you feel overwhelmed, alone, and lost. I'm here to tell you that I see you searching for yourself in the midst of your difficulties and protecting your own strong vitality.

Self psychology suggests that we all go through three stages in our journey of self-growth: 1. the need for omnipotence, 2. the need for idealization, and 3. the need for twin empathy.

1. The inflated self with omnipotence. From an early age, we imagine ourselves to be omniscient and omnipotent, and we need our nurturers to encourage and affirm us so we can feel satisfied.

2. The idealization need is all about hoping for an ideal parent who is there for you, taking care of you, and helping you learn and grow.

3. The need for empathic twins: finding another partner and imagining that they are similar to oneself in terms of feelings that match one's ideal needs.

However, in real life, these three components are likely to be missing.

The inflated self is suppressed, for example, the questioner was treated harshly from an early age and lacked encouragement and affirmation. This can make it hard to form a positive self-image. The ideal caregiver is missing, for example, the questioner grew up with relatives and is likely to feel neglected and lack care. This can make it hard to feel loved and cared for. Therefore, when developing peer relationships, the questioner uses twin mirroring as an important way to form a positive self-image and values. This can help them gain self-affirmation and the attention of others.

But imitation is not the same as learning. Learning is about taking in other people's strengths and making them your own, rather than just copying their behaviour. The original poster might find it tricky to learn from the outside world because they haven't had a chance to develop themselves yet. They can only keep trying to copy what they see, which is both hard work and not very stable.

Awareness is the first step on the road to change, and change can be a tricky business. So, during this process, it's a great idea to work from these perspectives:

Take a moment to reflect on your own experiences. Look for the wonderful traits and strengths that make you, you! Don't be too quick to deny your true self — embrace it with open arms!

- Try to understand yourself and others better. Take a moment to recognize your own emotions and imagine what it would be like to be in someone else's shoes. Emotions can be a great tool for self-empowerment. Learning to accept and understand your emotions is an important step in your journey of self-development and mentalization.

If you can, it'd be great to have the support of systematic psychological counseling. You've got this! You can reorganize and nurture yourself, find your own vitality in a warm and secure relationship, and grow steadily and continuously.

Wishing you all the best!

The OP needs to decide what they want and then do it. Everything has a process and sequence. They must first clearly define their beliefs and goals and decide whether they want to continue imitating others or find themselves and start a new life. If they want to continue imitating others, they can do so.

If you want to find out who you are and live your life to the fullest, you need to be aware of your emotions and thoughts, understand your needs, and then give yourself the appropriate satisfaction, step by step, to strengthen yourself and let yourself grow.

From a psychological standpoint, there is a clear distinction between the conscious self and the subconscious self. The conscious self is the part of the brain that engages in conscious thinking, which is typically associated with rational processes.

The subconscious self is the inner self, which usually refers to the emotional feelings and thoughts in the heart, which are usually expressed through expressions, actions, language, and behavior. If the questioner always imitates others, it is the demand of the inner self. The questioner must perceive their inner emotional feelings and understand what they feel when they see others imitating what they say and do, what they think of before they imitate them, etc. All of these are reflections of the subconscious self.

Once you understand what your subconscious self wants, you will have found yourself. Your subconscious self is like a child who is helpless in many things and needs to be given enough attention, care, love, and affection. It is also like a young sapling that needs to be nourished by the warmth of the sun, the rain, fertilizer, and weeding.

You will only grow faster and more steadily by persistently treating the subconscious self with such an attitude and giving it sufficient satisfaction.

For the questioner, whether it is finding oneself or allowing the subconscious mind to grow up, it is not an easy task. You must pay more attention to the changes in your emotions and feelings, understand and meet your needs in a timely manner, and grow slowly step by step. The questioner can buy some books to read on their own or find some courses on the platform to learn. I am certain that this will be of great help.

The above are my personal opinions, which I offer for the questioner's reference only.

I hope my answer helps.

You gave it your all, you've transformed a great deal, and you're excellent at it. Based on your account, if we can grasp and accept ourselves more profoundly and identify the reasons behind our actions, change will become more straightforward and effortless. You'll also feel more at ease and relaxed.

I advise you to:

You are entitled to understand and accept yourself, and to recognize the impact of your own growth experiences on yourself.

You said you liked to imitate people you thought were awesome when you were young. This was because you identified with them and longed for their approval. You used this to fulfill your expectations and realize your desires. You can also see that the people you like to imitate and attach yourself to are all leaders and authoritative figures, whether they are the monitor in primary school or the student committee member in junior high school. Have you noticed that they are actually the same as your grandfather in the way they treat you? They are very strict and like to swear and show no mercy.

This is a repetition of an early experience in your relationship with your significant other (the attachment pattern between you and your grandfather). We will continue to repeat our early patterns because they are familiar to us. This is not good. It is, however, safe. Therefore, no matter at what stage we are, and no matter who we have around us, our patterns are still repeating.

Seeing is the beginning of healing. When you see that your original relationship has had such a profound impact on you, and when you can look at yourself from the perspective of an observer, you have taken the initiative. You need to understand why you behave and feel the way you do now. You cannot change the past, but you can change how you think about it. Seeing that you have been influenced by your growth experience does not mean that we should blame ourselves or complain about the past. The past is part of our lives, and it is part of who you are. You can change how you think about your experiences with an understanding and self-acceptance-yet-still-struggle-to-accept-the-past-self-9544.html" target="_blank">acceptance of your past, and you can face the real self in the present.

2. Know what you want, give yourself what you need, and you will see that you already have what you want, just waiting for you to discover it.

We can explore what you hope to get whenever you cling to someone. By clarifying your own psychological needs, you will know what is driving you to repeat this pattern. When you were with your grandfather, what did you want from him?

Tell me, when your parents divorced and you grew up with relatives, what were your feelings at that time, and what did you need most at that time?

You will find many answers to your questions, such as love, recognition, acceptance, seeing, respect, support, tolerance, understanding, and care. Of course, we will have many deficiencies in the process of growing up, but this is okay. We need to see these deficiencies and admit our inner lack. This is normal because everyone will have different degrees of deficiencies and lack, and everyone's growth is accompanied by unmet needs. This is also the meaning of why we need to continue to grow. Fortunately, these deficiencies and lack can be filled. The way to fill them can be to encounter a good object again, such as a psychological counselor who is a good match, or a good partner who gives us enough security and love. It can also be a nourishing group that is accommodating and supportive enough to give us a sense of stability, security, and belonging, so that we don't have to imitate others but can be ourselves and feel allowed and accepted. And most importantly, we have everything inside us. We can give ourselves all the psychological nourishment we need, whether it's love and recognition, acceptance and seeing, respect and support, tolerance and understanding. We can give it to ourselves. In other words, we need to learn to care for ourselves, become a person who is internally fulfilled, accept ourselves fully, treat ourselves gently, and care for ourselves from the heart.

3. Love yourself well, and the whole world will love you back.

You say you've had no self since childhood and care about what others think. You are what others say you are. This is good because your upbringing was unstable. You don't know whose evaluation to use to measure yourself against. But you can set aside external standards, learn to define yourself, and establish an internal self-evaluation system. Then you won't be influenced by others.

The outside world is a mere projection of our inner world. It is unstable. We must not live according to external standards. Instead, we must return to our inner selves to see what kind of being we really are, what our strengths and weaknesses are, what we are good at and not good at, what we are willing to seek and what we are willing to let go of, and what our ideal state is. When you have a clear understanding of yourself and know exactly what kind of being you are, you will not be swayed by others' comments and you will not doubt yourself.

The outside world is a projection of our inner world. We must learn to love ourselves well, not force others to love us. When we like ourselves, value ourselves, care for ourselves, and take care of our needs, our inner deficiencies will disappear. Our desire for the outside world will also diminish. We will see the outside world in a more beautiful and harmonious way.

You should read "Rebuilding Your Life," "The Power of Self-Care," "Attachment in Psychotherapy," and "When You Love Yourself Well, the World Will Love You Back."

You may find the above useful as a reference. Best wishes!

Hello. I am a heart coach. Life is a beautiful journey, and it is not about seeking appreciation. It is about blossoming.

I have listened to your emotional story and seen your process of self-exploration, self-awareness, and self-growth. You have achieved a lot of change without external help, and you are becoming the kind of person you like. I give you a warm hug and praise you for it.

?1. Your unique family environment has allowed you to develop your own way of survival.

You lacked the psychological nourishment provided by an "important other" (usually a parent) because your grandfather was strict and your parents divorced. You needed love, security, and self-worth, and you didn't get them.

During your growth, you long to be liked and appreciated by your parents, teachers, and classmates. You want to feel like you are a person who is liked and accepted by others.

You imitated people who had good grades, were capable, popular, had many friends, and were liked by their teachers. What happened to them happened to you by chance, and you longed for it but didn't have it.

Stealing things, including money from home, is about "pleasing" and "getting close" to people you like and admire. Stealing is wrong, but the motivation behind it is to be liked and accepted.

As an adult, you know that you don't need to steal or be like others to be liked and accepted. You can be appreciated, understood, and accepted just by being yourself.

?2. Everyone is a different being, and that's what makes this world so diverse and wonderful.

As written in Dream of the Red Chamber, Jia Baoyu was originally a stubborn stone that Nüwa used to mend the sky. Despite its twists and turns, he experienced a rich and colorful life.

Each finger is indispensable. Even the seemingly useless little finger is necessary for us to function.

This applies to everyone. A great speaker needs an audience that listens and is ready to applaud. A capable manager needs employees who are responsible, reliable, and willing to follow orders.

They have their strengths, and you have yours. Your ability to tell a story is evident throughout: it is well-structured, with a clear goal, and you tell your story of growth with emotion.

You are not pessimistic, despite your worries. You face life and each day with a sunny and optimistic attitude. Your inferiority complex is suppressing your inherent confidence and making you feel inferior.

Imitating someone you admire always backfires. The best isn't always the most suitable, and sincerity isn't always the most touching.

Dear child, you have knowledge, and you can use reading and learning to change your destiny and rewrite your life.

When you look back on the past, you can use your wisdom to distinguish right from wrong and see the truth of things. For example, your inferiority complex is simply because your family and parents have not become a strong support for you, making you feel that you are not as good as others in terms of having a "complete family." This is simply not true.

Your grandparents and parents love you, in their own way and to the best of their abilities. Otherwise, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to receive a higher education.

External factors can boost our self-confidence, but the most important thing is that self-confidence comes from having confidence in oneself. Self-confidence is related to a sense of worth, and self-worth is how you evaluate yourself.

Start with the simplest thing: give yourself positive feedback constantly. Be true to yourself and be sincere, and you will naturally have more friends.

Bloom, and the butterflies will come.

You need to read The Power of Self-Growth. I hope you have a life illuminated by love.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.

If you want to continue the exchange, follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service."

Hello, my name is Coach Yu, and I would love to chat with you about this topic.

Let's start with security. Maslow's theory says that feeling secure is about having confidence, feeling safe, and being free from fear and anxiety. It's also about feeling satisfied with what you have now and in the future.

Let's take a moment to reflect on the questioner's childhood. He was brought up by his grandfather when he wasn't in school, and he was often beaten and scolded. His parents divorced after a bad relationship, so he grew up with relatives. These experiences of relationships often affect us until we grow up. They can continue to spread to various other relationships, making us worry and even feel that the surrounding relationship environment is full of insecurity and hostility.

Our feelings about relationships are often influenced by how we feel about ourselves and others. Let's say, for example, that we feel there are many things about us that are not good, or even that we are terrible in many ways. It's only natural that we'd worry that other people just don't like us, that they hate us, and that they will even punish or attack us. At this time, we'll care a lot about what other people think and feel, and thus we'll blame ourselves for our inadequacies or shortcomings, or try to please other people to cover up our lack of confidence.

I can relate to what the questioner wrote. I've been imitating and attaching myself to others a lot, but I'm not aware of my own mistakes.

We can try to take a good, honest look at ourselves. We can make a list of our strengths and weaknesses, give ourselves a well-deserved pat on the back for our strengths, and accept that we're not perfect.

It's also important to remind ourselves that we've grown up a lot. As the original poster wrote, it's not always about understanding why things happen, but more about how we can change them. I feel like I've worked hard and changed a lot, and I'm proud of that. The great psychologist Adler also said that our past experiences aren't really useful to us. What matters most is how we perceive and make meaning of those experiences.

Let's chat about the inferiority complex. It's something that affects many of us in one way or another. We're often afraid of being hated by others and of being hurt in relationships, so we can end up developing an inferiority complex. But here's the thing: it's not always an objective fact. It's often a subjective interpretation.

It's so easy to care so much about what other people think and lose sight of who we really are. We've all been there! We've all set the plot of "I lie, steal and am all kinds of bad" and "I am hated" in our hearts. And it's only when we're in trouble in our relationships that we realise we need to look deeper within ourselves to find the real us.

As the questioner wrote, it seems that I haven't had a strong sense of self since childhood. I've been letting others define me.

Let's ask ourselves some questions. What do we really need from others? And why do we sometimes feel the need to copy them or cling to them?

It can also be really helpful to ask yourself what you think and what emotions and feelings you experience when someone criticizes you.

We can also ask ourselves what our ideal self is like and what we can do now to become that ideal self.

We can make peace with our emotions. When we sense feelings of inferiority, we can try to give ourselves a little pep talk and tell ourselves, "Hey, what are you worrying about? That's not true!"

When we start to accept our emotions and let them flow, it'll be less likely for us to act out due to emotional suppression. We can also try recording what our feelings are at the moment.

Your writing is just for you, so please feel free to write about your feelings in an honest and open way. This will help us understand the origins and effects of emotions and help us clarify the root causes of the problem.

We can gather feedback through practical actions, gradually improve our self-confidence, try new things that we previously wanted to avoid or were uneasy about, and then feel the wonderful results and feedback from others. If the feedback is positive, we can give ourselves a well-deserved reward in time, such as a nice meal or a weekend trip. This will improve our practical abilities and build up our sense of self-confidence. Confident actions create a wonderful sense of confidence.

If you come across some negative comments from others, you can see that they're actually a reflection of their own inner thoughts. It's as if they're unwittingly playing the role of "scapegoats." So, the best thing you can do is ignore them.

Of course, we can also seek help if this is something that's bothering you. It's not always easy to overcome things on your own. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel it's necessary, you can also find a counselor or a support group. It's important to face your shadows and accept them before habitual negative thoughts will slowly disappear.

It's also a great idea to take a look at how you see yourself and your worth. Reading is a wonderful way to learn and grow, and exercise is a fantastic way to build strength. When you feel stable and strong, you'll be more confident!

I'd love to suggest a couple of books that I think you'll really enjoy! "The Power of Self-Care" and "The Courage to Be Disliked" are both fantastic reads.