How can I overcome these obstacles in my intimate relationships?

Good morning, my name is Gu Yi, and I am a modest and consistent individual.

The most effective way to protect your interests is to be aware of your emotions and take ownership of your actions.

It is important to examine the psychological needs that underpin your behaviour.

On a daily basis, those in a romantic relationship experience feelings of concern and longing for a more intimate bond.

As adults, our lives are constantly being challenged and refreshed, which gives rise to a greater number of emotional needs. This is to be expected. When such anxious situations arise in our hearts, it is sufficient to provide guidance over time.

When you're not together, you don't want to take the initiative, because you feel that it's a sign of weakness. In traditional Chinese thinking, girls are not supposed to take the initiative. Girls must have a sense of shame. It seems that this has had a relatively big impact on you. However, we must also consider the objective reality. Fate requires that we take the initiative.

When you are together, you require that the other person prioritize you, and your sense of security is consistently at play.

The appeal of the name is that, due to a lack of confidence, I desire the individual I am dating to prioritize me, demonstrate consistent care, maintain constant attention, and express undivided affection.

How to achieve self-preservation.

A productive relationship necessitates a balance of strengths, while a successful marriage requires a compatible social status. Our interactions shape our identities.

Any relationship is an exchange of values. Therefore, only if we have value and can distinguish right from wrong will the issue of security be resolved.

It is important to recognize that individuals must take responsibility for their own well-being. In your case, this is a natural and healthy process. If we are open to change and willing to adapt our thinking, we can find solutions that work for us.

I would like to recommend the book "The Distant Savior." Chinese culture has caused the Chinese to have a wait-and-see attitude, which leads us to always expect the other person. However, the reality is that the one who can truly end problems is oneself, and the one who can truly save oneself is also oneself.

Best regards,

Hello! Welcome!

You seem self-aware and eager to improve. Here's something to think about:

1. The questioner's problem is a reflection of attachment relationships. These are formed during the period of parental nurturing. They are influenced by caregivers, events, environments, education, books, history, and culture. Together, they contribute to the formation of our attachment types.

Once formed, the attachment type can change. Life experiences, circumstances, and self-awareness can all contribute to changes in the attachment type. As long as you are aware of it and want to adjust and change, there is still room for improvement.

Bartholomew proposed four types of attachment relationships. The questioner can evaluate themselves:

Secure type: emotionally approachable. Feels secure relying on and being relied on.

I'm not worried about being alone or not being accepted.

Obsessive – I want to invest all my feelings in an intimate relationship, but often find that others are not happy to develop it as much as I would like. The lack of intimacy makes me uneasy, and sometimes I worry that my partner does not value me as much as I value them.

Fear type – Intimacy makes me uneasy. I long for it, but it's hard to trust or depend on others.

I'm afraid of getting too close to others and being hurt.

I don't need an intimate relationship to feel at ease. I value independence and self-sufficiency. I don't like to rely on others or let others rely on me.

3. You are very committed to this relationship, but you also want to make sure that the other person values it as much as you do. This causes you to further close in on the other person, creating a tension of control.

If you invest too much, you will be hurt even more when you lose. This is a cycle.

I'll give you some suggestions.

When you have time, think about how your parents get along and compare it to your own experience.

When the next love comes, love boldly, but also give yourself and your partner space.

Read more books about relationships. There are many on the market. Reflect on your relationships. You may suddenly feel enlightened.

Good morning, I hope this message finds you well. I am contacting you today regarding a query you posted on our website. Please let me know if this is not the correct way to contact you. Kind regards,

I would like to commend you on your keen awareness and introspection.

It is evident that you believe your issues are hindering the formation of close relationships.

Furthermore, you feel that you do not accept yourself sufficiently and are unsure of how to effect change.

I'm unsure if you're a male or female friend. Could you also please provide the man's age?

Could you please clarify when you became aware of these issues?

I believe that in order to overcome these obstacles, it is essential to gain a deeper understanding of oneself.

It would be beneficial for you to gain an understanding of your cognitive style in addition to your communication style.

Please provide a comprehensive list of the personality traits in question.

Please identify the personality traits that are influenced by family and those that are formed later in life.

Based on the limited information you have provided, I believe that

You place a high value on relationships and prioritize them when you enter into a romantic relationship.

Furthermore, you may be prone to emotional volatility in response to changes in affection. This suggests the possibility that you may be a person without

Please describe your understanding of the concept of a self-boundary.

An individual with minimal self-boundaries is particularly susceptible to emotional distress.

He tends to approach relationships in an extreme and divisive manner.

First, they treat their romantic partners as if they were their own private property, exerting harsh control over them.

To compensate for the fear of abandonment and being left by their partner.

Secondly, there is a notable lack of self-esteem, a lack of self-identity, and a tendency to present a pleasing personality, which is influenced by external factors.

Furthermore, they consistently strive to meet the expectations of others, often driven by a fear of abandonment and a perceived inability to provide adequate compensation.

From my perspective, you seem to be a sensitive individual with high self-esteem, a tendency to be emotionally vulnerable, and an inner sense of insecurity.

If you wish to develop as an individual, it is unlikely that you will find effective assistance through reading books alone.

I would like to make the following suggestions:

Firstly, it would be beneficial to participate in additional personal growth groups in your local area.

You will see results quickly with a minimal investment of time and resources.

Secondly, if you wish to read books, I would suggest starting with object relations psychology and self psychology type books.

Additionally, books related to attachment relationships may be beneficial.

Third, if the circumstances permit, consider participating in systematic dynamic personal experience counseling.

Given your psychoanalytic mindset and keen awareness and introspection,

I wish you the best of luck. You have my support at Yixinli!

A cordial greeting to the reader!

In an intimate relationship, the individual may desire for the other person to prioritize them, which can result in a loss of emotional control. Additionally, the individual may experience worry, a perception that initiating actions before a formal relationship will diminish their value, and a fear of rejection. Following the formation of a relationship, the individual may regard love as the central aspect of their life and become invested in winning or avoiding defeat in arguments.

How might these challenges be addressed? Let us explore this together.

From the description, it can be seen that the questioner cares a great deal about love. Perhaps because they care too much, they regard love as the center of everything in life, and their focus is on the other person. In fact, when a person gives, they hope that the other person will treat them in the same way they treat them.

As a result, we will have numerous expectations of the other person and anticipate that they will act in accordance with our desires.

For example, if one regards love as the center of one's life, one may hope that the other person will prioritize one's needs and concede in arguments, regardless of who is ultimately correct. This is because intimacy can lead to a desire for inseparability, with the boundaries of each individual merging into one another.

Following the dissipation of the passion that characterizes the early stages of an intimate relationship, which typically occurs between three and 1.5 years, a range of conflicts may emerge.

The following strategies are recommended for consideration:

(1) It is recommended that one maintain one's sense of self in an intimate relationship and increase one's sense of security.

Following the initial period of passion, the intimate relationship progresses to the intimacy stage. During this phase, it is crucial to develop a sense of autonomy and pursue personal interests when one's partner is not present. These activities may encompass professional or recreational pursuits.

It is only through this process that one can enhance their sense of security. It is only through self-reliance that one can achieve a sense of security; relying on others ultimately leads to a loss of identity in an intimate relationship.

It is important to value the time spent together and to also appreciate the time spent alone. Having you in my life makes it even more fulfilling; without you, I am still content.

(2) It is more challenging to exert control over others, but it is relatively straightforward to regulate one's own behavior.

The aforementioned truth is relatively straightforward to comprehend; however, it is considerably more challenging to operationalise. Our self-assessment is frequently informed by the manner in which we are treated by others.

Those who are self-centered will exhibit pride and a belief in their own goodness. Conversely, they will also exhibit a belief in their own incompetence in all areas.

It is therefore imperative that we undertake an objective assessment of ourselves, endeavour to minimise the influence of external factors and adopt effective self-management strategies.

(3) The dissolution of the concept of "face" will result in a reduction of disagreements in life.

In life, there is no definitive right or wrong in many trivial matters. What is of consequence is whether one has "face." If we adopt an "allowing" attitude towards ourselves and those around us, we will not concern ourselves with winning or losing. What is the point of winning an argument and losing the relationship?

This necessitates the relinquishment of power struggles within intimate relationships and the adoption of a tolerant approach towards one's partner.

(4) It is possible to survive without love, but it is essential to have food.

The survival of the self is the most fundamental guarantee of our survival. It encompasses the basic necessities of food, water, sex, a domicile, a regular income, and social security. These are the most basic needs that must be met for the survival of the self. Only when these needs are met can we satisfy the needs to love and be loved, to love and be friends, and to respect and be respected. Therefore, perfecting oneself and striving to grow is what people strive for all their lives.

Once self-love is established, it is believed that the world will reciprocate this love.

(5) "Intimate Relationships" by Christopher Meng: This book can be read to analyze the characteristics of each stage of an intimate relationship, as well as the impact on the relationship and coping strategies related to the following domains: the economic foundation, sex, the families of both parties, and power struggles.

The process of self-discovery marks the beginning of a period of change.

It is my sincere hope that you will enjoy a wonderful relationship.

Good day,

Host:

After carefully reading the post, I feel that the poster has a good understanding of herself. I also noticed that the poster courageously expressed her distress and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help her to better understand herself and adjust her behavior to meet her needs.

I hope my observations and thoughts on the post will help the poster gain a richer perspective on themselves.

1. Growing in a relationship

From the post, I get the impression that the poster has a strong sense of logic and a keen awareness of herself. These qualities are not that common, and they can also help the poster to better understand and understand herself. The poster mentioned that she longs for love. When she is not in a relationship, she longs to fall in love. When she is idle, she feels depressed, and inexplicably feels a sense of melancholy and depression.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why you long for love and what kind of needs it can satisfy.

It might be helpful to explore the underlying needs to gain a deeper understanding of the poster's situation. My observations may or may not be relevant, but they could serve as a reference point.

In the post, the poster expressed hope that her partner will prioritize her in the relationship. This leads me to believe that the poster's desire for a relationship stems from a need for love, attention, and understanding.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why you want to satisfy these needs in a relationship. It's often the case that we cannot find them within ourselves, so we look for them in a relationship.

Human relationships can serve as a mirror, reflecting aspects of ourselves. Understanding our own needs can also be a form of personal growth.

2. It might be helpful to review your own growth experience from an adult's perspective.

Once we have taken the time to explore our own internal needs, we can also look at why we feel so lacking inside. It is often the case that a need was not met when we were children, so we may feel the need to make up for it as we grow up.

Perhaps these needs were not met when we were children. It might be helpful for the original poster to reflect on their own growth experience.

It would be helpful to identify what causes you to feel insecure and why you find it difficult to accept yourself. As children, we lack the knowledge and ability to understand ourselves fully.

We all learn about ourselves through the input of those around us, our environment, and our education.

It might be helpful for the original poster to consider reviewing their own upbringing environment to see if they were rejected by important others, if their living environment was full of anxiety, and if they received conditional love.

Perhaps it would be helpful for the host to review these things and consider whether these beliefs are reasonable from an adult perspective. It's also worth asking whether it's really our own fault.

Or could it be that these beliefs are shaped by the parenting views of those around us, or cultural limitations? If so, it might be helpful to adjust these beliefs in a way that allows us to gain a more objective understanding of ourselves and rebuild our sense of security.

3. Try to accept yourself for who you really are.

The original poster also mentioned that they have difficulty accepting themselves. Could I ask why you have this problem and what you would like to change?

It is often related to our past experiences. Perhaps, then, a helpful approach would be to review our own growth experience.

Perhaps what we still need to do is accept them. While the past cannot be changed, we can change the way we perceive things.

It might be helpful to accept that the past cannot be changed and to focus your energy on the parts that you can adjust. This could help you to encounter a better version of yourself.

It would be helpful to remember that every event has positive and negative aspects. Learning to find the positive meaning in a challenging experience can be beneficial.

This may be helpful in accepting and reconciling with ourselves. Reconciliation is not about making up, but about realizing that we are responsible for our own lives. While we cannot control the past, we can make choices about the present and the future.

I hope that these suggestions will be helpful and inspiring to the original poster. I am a psychological exploration coach, Zeng Chen.

If you feel you would benefit from one-on-one communication and growth, you may wish to consider finding a coach.

Dear questioner, I hug you!

I'm grateful to have met you on the Yi Xinli platform!

Thank you for coming here to discuss your relationship issues. Have these issues affected your mental health?

Maybe coming here to get help has helped the original poster understand things better. Let's talk about it!

~~~

Let's look at the details of what the questioner said and try to understand them.

1. I long for love. When I'm not in a relationship, I long to fall in love. When I'm not busy, I feel depressed.

The desire for love can lead to depression. It is normal to feel this way. We project our desire for love onto others.

When our desires and reality cannot be reconciled, we feel depressed. This may be because when we were growing up, we did not get enough attention. The deep-rooted causes need to be discussed to understand.

2. They need to feel in control and safe in relationships. They hope their partner will prioritize them. They get jealous easily. They feel devalued when they take the initiative before a formal relationship. They fear rejection. After entering a relationship, they care about winning arguments.

People who need control and safety in relationships may feel insecure and rely on others for security. When we lose control, we lose emotional control. This may be because we didn't feel loved as children. We crave control and security in relationships.

In relationships, we may fear loss, feel inferior, or be afraid of being rejected. Perhaps we lack self-confidence, leading to complexes and high expectations of being accepted. We may demand a "happy ending" but be afraid of being rejected or failing and hide our true feelings.

People in intimate relationships often focus all their attention on the other person, neglecting their own feelings and mental space. This can lead to a lack of self-care, which can hurt you in the long run.

Intimacy is about emotions, not winning arguments. Maintaining a relationship depends on sharing emotions. This may relate to how we get along with our primary caregivers. Once we recognize this, we can change it. It just takes time, process, and experience.

I lack self-love and acceptance, and I want security and control. How do I solve this?

Any recommendations for self-help books?

The questioner may know where their problem lies, but it takes practice to turn "unity of knowledge and action" into a natural skill.

First, accept yourself as you are. Allow yourself to have good and bad parts, to have achieved things and to still have things to do. Accept your family of origin and set boundaries with them. Then, separate from them to form your own behaviour model.

- Reading, groups, personal experience, etc.

Here are some books to read:

"Meet the Unknown Self," "Learn to Love Well," "Love Yourself Back," "Know How to Love and Grow in Intimacy," "Connect with Love and How to Cope with Anxiety in Intimacy," "The Pitfalls of Love and How to Give Intimacy a New Life"...

If the above doesn't help, find a psychologist you like and get one-on-one counseling. This will help you grow up faster and better.

In summary, we hope to help the questioner with positive and helpful advice. We wish them the best!

I love you.

Hello! I'm glad to meet you.

Let's go over what you said:

You want to fall in love but don't know how to get along with your partner.

After establishing a relationship, you want to be put first and love to be your priority.

You want to win in a fight.

You want to be valued and for your partner to love you first. You want to be cared for and held in your partner's hands.

Many girls want this too, but there are different ways to get it.

Go to counseling.

You need to work on some things to improve your relationship. See a counselor to help you.

What have you learned from your past experiences?

Think about how many relationships you've had. What did you gain from them? Why did they end?

If you could start over, what would you do differently? We should learn from our past experiences.

Pay attention to your emotions.

If you lose your temper easily, think of something that makes you lose your temper more easily. Then you'll know where you're likely to be provoked.

Remind yourself when you encounter a similar event.

I'm me. Please say it. I hope my answer helps you.