How to deal with a father who is prone to hitting and has unpredictable moods?

Hello, I'm a heart coach. I'll listen to your story with a warm and compassionate ear.

Your family of origin has had a big impact on your life. For the first 40 years of your life (almost half of your life), it has had a negative effect on you, both physically and psychologically.

Let me give you a quick hug before we get started. I know you've had a rough time over the years. Let's take a look at where these problems lie:

1. People tend to fall into certain patterns when it comes to how they interact with each other.

As you mentioned, your father was a domestic abuser who beat you and your mother with his fists and feet since you were kids. He brainwashed you for a long time, and you developed self-negation and self-doubt as a result. You even felt "controlled" by him, and you no longer had your own thoughts or opinions.

How did you make it through decades of mental and physical abuse? It's tough to watch, and it makes you wonder: What did you do about it?

It's important to speak up and pay attention together to suppress and prevent domestic violence incidents.

Everyone has their own set of inherent patterns: behavior patterns, emotion patterns, and thought patterns. These patterns are first learned from parents and the original family.

For instance, your mother was submissive and passive, and she never stood up for herself. Both your parents' individual patterns and the way they interacted in their marriage had a significant impact on you. That's why you saw the misfortune of your parents' marriage, especially your mother being beaten up so often. It made you fearful of marriage.

"You are what you teach others." We can't decide or change others, but we can change ourselves. As a child, you didn't have the ability to give feedback, but as an adult, what have you done?

When we change, the other person has to change too to adapt to our changes. It's like you can't wake someone who's pretending to sleep.

When we were young, our parents were our "significant others." But now that we're adults, we're our own "significant others." We support ourselves, rather than letting our parents influence us.

These patterns have formed because they've been helpful to you in the past. The patterns you don't like and want to change have been useful to you in the past.

These patterns of holding back and being overly accommodating mainly come from the underlying belief that you are incompetent and powerless, and that you can only rely on your father.

?2. How can you make the change? How can you live a new life without being held back by the patterns of the past?

Keep an eye out for these patterns in yourself.

Seeing gives you the freedom to make a new choice. It's like seeing a thief: what can he do?

Awareness is the key to change. It's all about making a new choice after seeing. So, the first step to change is seeing.

People are reluctant to change unless they can feel love. Once they do, they'll make a new choice and change will happen naturally. So, the key isn't how to change, but whether you can see it and, after seeing it, whether you can admit and accept it.

It's obvious that growing up in that family environment, you didn't have much security. Your sense of worth was completely suppressed by your father. He often criticized, rejected, and blamed you, making you feel bad, useless, worthless, and without a sense of existence.

It's obvious that you didn't have much security growing up in that family environment. Your sense of worth was completely suppressed by your father. He often criticized, rejected, and blamed you, which made you feel bad, useless, worthless, and without a sense of existence.

Security is about having a sense of stability and safety, and feeling confident and free from fear and anxiety.

Security can be improved in two ways: externally and internally.

External factors like a solid social security system, wealth, or power can also play a role.

Internal: People with a high sense of self-worth are confident about the future and believe in themselves.

How big your world is depends on how secure you feel.

How do you overcome fear when you feel insecure (you're already 40 years old, but you're still hesitant to break free from your father's influence)?

1. Every wound is a hidden treasure. Remove the wall to find it.

Everyone comes into our lives to help us achieve important tasks. Find this "gift" in your relationship with your father and mother, and give it your all.

It might be "courage" and "confidence," or "breakthrough" and "letting go."

2. Be brave and take the first step. If you don't get started, how will you ever get where you want to be?

If people want to help you, they need to reach out first.

3. Turn fear into anger:

Fear and anger are two emotions that go hand in hand. When things don't go as expected, needs aren't met, and you feel like your boundaries are being violated, the emotion that rises within you is anger. It's the energy that protects our boundaries.

Fear and anger are two emotions that go hand in hand. When things don't go as expected, needs aren't met, and you feel like your boundaries are being violated, the emotion that rises within you is anger. It's the energy that protects our boundaries.

Anger protects us when we feel we are being hurt and safeguards our family, territory, and possessions. It's the energy that protects our safety.

Anger can turn into aggressive behavior, which puts us in a bad position. Anger is neither right nor wrong, but it can protect us.

If you show weakness, you'll be more likely to be taken advantage of. So, be confident and be yourself.

4. Don't be afraid to say "I'm scared" and express your fears. You'll find that fear is reduced by 50%. It's also a good idea to break down unnecessary walls and do what you are afraid of.

Break through.

Dear, Life is short, and we're already halfway through. Even if this is the last half of your life, live it as yourself and be brave enough to make some changes.

I hope this is helpful to you and to the world. And I love you.

If you want to keep the conversation going, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'll be in touch and we can keep growing together.

Hello, question asker: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can see that your father is in a bad way. He's insecure, arrogant, paranoid, and selfish. He hit your mother to hide his own fear and anger. He's trying to control you and your mother because he's afraid you'll leave him.

He's in a bad situation.

His personality disorder has caused you and your mother pain and affected your choice of spouse and your life.

You are in your 40s, and he is in his 60s or 70s. His personality disorder has been shaped by the times. If possible, you can ask a professional counselor to provide him with intervention counseling. This kind of counseling may reduce the frequency of his interference with you and lessen the degree of interference, but it is unlikely to completely restore a sound personality. Moreover, the therapeutic effect of psychological counseling on personality disorders is also very limited. In your life, you must avoid emotionally provoking him and try to speak in a calm tone when communicating.

I'm happy to have an appointment. 1983. Love you!