How to help parents cope with their controlling nature and emotionalism for a better life?

Hello, girl. I see you're confused, and I'm here to help.

You are experiencing some family issues. I give you a warm hug again.

Having a controlling mother like that is really quite difficult. Let me give you a big hug from across the screen.

It was simply the way things were done in her day for mothers to worry when their sons were in their 30s and still not married. Her parents even intervened.

Your mother has her own limitations, of course.

She's out of touch with the reality of today's world and thinks she's living in a different era.

I have a solution for you. It's time to get rid of your mother's controlling desire over your brother.

Take on some part-time work, like sewing or making sweaters, and take it home to your mother to do for you.

When she has something to do, she'll stop controlling your brother's marriage.

Take your mother out more often when you have time, for example on the weekends. For example, take her square dancing.

Your mother will have less energy to worry about your brother's affairs when she has her own social circle.

Seek help from a professional counselor if you are still confused.

A counselor can adopt a third-party perspective, maintain a non-judgmental outlook, and offer an objective attitude. They can provide more pertinent, useful, and constructive advice.

You will find an effective solution to the problem you are facing soon.

That's all I have to say.

I am confident that my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the girl. I am the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you. Best wishes!

Hello, question asker! I'm grateful to have this opportunity to connect with you.

Let's take a moment to review what you've shared.

&The questioner, your mother is now 60 years old, and it seems that she may be experiencing some emotional changes, including occasional tantrums and a shift in her demeanor.

& You may be experiencing some difficulty in adjusting to your mother's changes.

Questioner, I empathize with your situation and feel a sense of sadness and concern for your mother. Let's explore some potential ways you can support her.

It would be beneficial to try to understand your mother better.

As she enters old age, it's natural for her physical abilities to decline. At the same time, she may also feel a sense of loss as she adjusts to a new role in the family dynamic.

It's important to remember that your mother was able to make many decisions before, and it's natural for her to feel a sense of loss and frustration now that she can't make this particular decision. It's crucial to understand and support her through these changes.

It would be beneficial to provide her with a role so that she can continue to contribute to the family in whatever way she can.

It would be beneficial to be assertive.

You say you are someone who tends to avoid strong opinions. Now that your mother is like this, you are even more distressed. Could I ask what this means for you?

Could I ask you to consider whether you can make decisions without your mother's support? Or might there be occasions when, after your mother has scolded you, you feel you have no option but to give up?

I believe you are now capable of making your own decisions. What influences you to trust your own judgment and decisions? Is it that you feel your mother may scold you if you insist on your own way, which could make both of you feel bad?

Or is it because you feel you have let yourself and your family down? It is important to remember that you are not alone in this. Take the time to think carefully about your decisions and then, once you have made a decision, go ahead and do it. As you go along, you will have the opportunity to learn and improve.

It is not uncommon for people to find it challenging to navigate relationships with their loved ones as they grow up.

Your aunt is in her thirties, and your mother still wants to be involved in her life. The reason may be that in your mother's eyes, her younger brother is still a child in some ways. She may not believe that he is capable of taking care of himself and handling things.

On the other hand, she may be reluctant to acknowledge her brother's capabilities in order to maintain a sense of usefulness.

It's understandable that you want your mother to have a better life. Your wish is a good one, but it may be challenging because your mother is not making changes to rediscover the joy of life. If she doesn't find a way out on her own, there is little anyone else can do.

I hope my answer can provide you with a perspective and that it is also useful to you.

I really feel for the questioner because I have a father just like the one in the question. The eldest son in the family, with a strong personality, takes the affairs of his siblings and children as his own. Decades of support and help have led to a strong sense of control in them. They believe that everyone has to listen to their opinions, that other people's ideas are immature, that they will be very unhappy and lose their temper if others raise objections, and that they are always right and cannot listen to different opinions.

I totally relate to the original poster's experience. There's just no way to communicate! We tried to persuade them to let go, but everyone has their own ideas. They're all in their thirties or forties, the head of the family, with children and grandchildren around, and they can make their own decisions about many things. But they simply won't listen, thinking that other people are ungrateful and won't respect them once they've grown up.

I totally get it. I think they feel a loss of their sense of existence and a sense of being needed.

I'm not sure if the original poster has had a similar experience, but I know it can be tough when you're new to a work team and haven't been assigned any work yet. It can feel like everyone else is busy and you don't know what to do. Not being needed can make you feel like you don't have a reason to exist in the team, which can make you feel insecure.

I think that when parents see their younger siblings grow up, get a job, and start a family, they can completely handle their own affairs and no longer want to ask for their opinions as they used to. While they are happy, they may also feel a little lost, which is totally normal!

Some folks might be a little hard on themselves when they're feeling lost, depressed, or unhappy. Others might be hard on others, losing their temper and going into a cold war.

If the other person is feeling more stable, they can also try to persuade them and help them find a way to relieve and divert their emotions.

As children, we can totally understand their loss, but there's just no way to change their minds.

I truly believe that we can help them find or create something new and exciting! They could make short videos, dance square dancing, grow flowers, or paint.

When their time and energy find the right outlet to be released, and at the same time they can receive praise from outside the family, it's amazing how their sense of self-worth will be satisfied! Their emotions and family relationships will naturally improve too.

Hello.

From what you've said, it seems like you don't have much say in your parent-child relationship with your mother. It seems like she's used to controlling the situation, and you're the one who's being controlled.

On top of that, I was brought up a certain way and got along with my family of origin, so I've developed a habit of not being assertive. This is a structural problem that's always been there. It's also very difficult for you to change your mother's behavior pattern.

As it stands, if you get involved, you'll just get scolded and attacked. And this kind of attack is two-fold: on the one hand, it's an attack on you, and on the other hand, it's an attack on your mother and your own achievements. Both attacks will be absorbed by you, and it's clear you're carrying the burden of your mother's issues, as well as your own kindness and love. You can also feel the heaviness and oppression of your life.

You didn't mention this, but all the demands were about how to make your mother happy and let her off the hook. There wasn't a single word about yourself.

If you try to communicate effectively, you'll likely be rejected. Currently, in your relationship, you don't have enough say.

My advice to you is to take a good look at your own part and focus your energy and time on yourself first. We all know that changing others is difficult, if not impossible.

We can do well for ourselves and then use our own strength and the power of relationships to influence others.

At the same time, you can only do something better for your mother by first becoming a better version of yourself.

It's easy to ignore parts of yourself and think you're invisible. But if you say you won't care, how can you expect others to take good care of you?

Given your relatively balanced relationship pattern, it might be helpful to have an appropriate external force step in and provide more change and assistance.

That said, it's important not to neglect your own initiative. Ultimately, we all have to walk the path ourselves. Best of luck!

The OP will undoubtedly feel bad when meeting such a mother.

The questioner wants his mother to be happier and to let herself go. This will make you feel a lot better too.

One thing is for sure: we cannot change it, and we cannot convince our parents to change either.

Our mothers will always see us as children, especially if they are reluctant.

Let's try to understand the mother.

1. The eldest daughter in the family is responsible for everyone.

As the eldest child living in the 1960s, the questioner should look at what happened in China at that time.

The country was in a situation where everything needed to be rebuilt due to a lack of supplies and learning resources.

The eldest child in the family is not only unlikely to receive the love of their parents, but also has to give away everything they have to their younger siblings at an early age.

Your mother was consumed by bitterness, resentment, and even hatred. She had nowhere to turn.

She toughens herself up and lives her life as a mountain. Controlling others to make them listen to her is her only pleasure.

This gives her a sense of existence and psychological balance.

2. She became increasingly stubborn and would erupt in a rage at the slightest provocation. She refused to calm down and would scold without restraint.

This is how she deals with problems.

She did not receive good guidance or education, and she did not feel the love and care of her family.

She endured it silently until middle age, and her resentment grew deep inside her. With no one to turn to for advice, she became angry with the whole world.

All this anger is really her anger towards herself, which is why she says things like, "What a useless person I am."

It's difficult to get angry with yourself and change yourself.

She directs her anger at those around her to make herself feel better.

She is not unable to control herself; she just chooses not to.

She also gained attention through anger. An elder sister who had to pay attention to others from a young age learned to get attention through anger. It's a sad reality.

I am certain that all of the above will win the author's compassion for her mother. When someone is hysterically angry, there must be a deep-seated need behind it.

Your mother has been starved of love and security, and this is how she deals with the people around her.

There is a story about a hedgehog. They wanted to warm each other up, but because their spines were so sharp, they hurt each other.

Your mother, like this hedgehog, was so deeply hurt that she didn't know she was also hurting the people around her.

The OP can use their love to persuade their mother.

I know this is difficult, especially when your mother is having a tantrum. You can do without words.

She won't listen to anything we say.

Hug her and pat her gently, just as she used to do when she hugged you as a child.

Tell her firmly, but gently, "It will all be over soon. It will all be over soon. It will all be over soon."

Tell your mother, "You have worked hard, and I will take care of you from now on."

Give your mother calm support when she is angry. Change yourself to become more and more outstanding.

Tell your mother that your excellence is due to her.

This will undoubtedly be the happiest moment for your mother.

She has been in a state of anxiety since childhood, and we will ensure she has a peaceful old age.

You will become successful. You will become more and more outstanding. She will know that you love her, no matter what.

This is the best reward for a mother's lifelong hard work, period.

While loving your mother, you are also growing up. Home is a place where reason doesn't apply, and home is where love belongs.

Read these two books to help the questioner overcome the confusion caused by family.

Read Susan Forward's "Poisonous Parents."

Wu Zhihong's "Why Family Hurts" is the definitive guide to navigating family dynamics.

I am confident that you will find this information supportive and helpful. I wish your mother good health and a long life, and I also wish the poster's family harmony and happiness.

Hello, question asker!

I can feel that you are suffering right now, and I'm here to help! The reason is due to your mother's behavior that has no boundaries. You have also analyzed yourself, saying that your mother is the eldest sister in the family and has always been very strong, taking care of the affairs of her siblings.

And let's not forget her own children! From a parental perspective, she will act this way because of her consistent approach and because of her sense of responsibility as a mother. She has always treated you like children, to the extent that even now, when your younger brother is over 30, she still wants to interfere in other people's family affairs. When her children don't listen to her, she feels a very strong sense of loss, and feels that she is not being respected. She loses her temper, breaks things, etc., all to vent her anger and at the same time show you that she has "strength"!

If you analyze it further, you'll see that your mother is also a pitiful person. She believes that her value lies in helping others deal with things. If her help is not needed, it is a negation of her as a person and her value, so she vents her anger in such a way.

Your mother's behavior has caused you to feel conflicted and confused about what is going on. You don't think your brother is wrong either, and you think your mother is just too controlling. Perhaps you feel sorry for your mother because you understand her, but you also feel that it is the children who are disobedient and make your mother angry, which leads you to say that you "don't have a strong opinion" of your own. Searching for answers back and forth in such a vicious circle is indeed very energy-consuming. But you can do it!

I really get you! I know how it feels to want to help your mom but not know how. It's tough when you feel powerless.

You've got a great question: "How can I make my mother happy and spare myself?" Let's figure out who the subject is here.

I'm excited to hear your thoughts on this! Do you think your mother's happiness depends on you? Or is her happiness determined by someone else?

Is that really the case? It would be incredible if it were true!

Do you really have that much power over someone's pain and happiness? It's an intriguing question!

So, what I want to say is that a mother's happiness lies in herself, and she needs to be recognized and affirmed. This is the best thing we can do for her! Instead of pander to her and be an "obedient child with no boundaries," we can show her how much we appreciate her and all she does for us.

From the above behavior of the mother, we can see that she is a giver and a teacher! She is always ready to help others and share her wisdom. This is what she has believed for many years, and it is what she values most!

We can persuade our mother, saying, "Mom, you have worked hard! You have given so much to this family over the years, and you have worried about and helped everyone in the family. Now that we are all grown up and have our own lives, it is time for you to take care of yourself!

"In the future, if we have any problems, we'll come to you again. You're exhausted now, so who will we turn to in the future?

"...and so on. First, make sure you understand her, then make your request. I guarantee you that your mother will feel much better, and these words will be much more acceptable to her than accusing her of interfering in other people's lives.

I really hope this helps! Wishing you the best!

I would like to extend a gesture of affectionate support from a distance.

After a thorough examination of your post, I can discern the profound affection and solicitude you hold for your mother, as well as the constraints imposed by the dominant familial structure in which you were raised. This complex emotional state evokes a sensation of bodily tension. Allow me to present a few observations from my perspective:

1. The questioner referenced the familial environment in which the mother was raised, namely, her biological family. She is the eldest sister in the family and exhibits a sense of responsibility for her siblings and a tendency toward control.

One can reasonably assume that your mother has borne a significant burden over the years. She was compelled to assume the role of the primary caregiver in a family environment that was likely stressful. This may have contributed to the formation of her character, which appears to be characterized by a reluctance to ask for help and a tendency to attempt to solve problems for others. It is understandable that your mother finds it challenging to accept assistance.

2. Despite her advanced age, she continues to intervene in the affairs of her younger brother, who is in his thirties. This behavior is challenging for her children to comprehend and accept, yet they may be able to discern some of its roots in her upbringing.

Although the mother is older, she has always been accustomed to being relied upon and needed. If this sense of reliance is removed, it will evoke feelings of anxiety, prompting her to lash out, swear, and engage in destructive behavior. It is likely that after encountering resistance from her family members, these behaviors will intensify her feelings of frustration and helplessness.

3. It would be beneficial to return to the subject of the questioner's feelings, as she has been residing in an environment characterised by strong and controlling influences since childhood. This may have resulted in a lack of firm opinions. In such circumstances, it is probable that she will be significantly affected by her mother's emotions, potentially carrying a considerable burden of negative emotions. It would be advantageous for her to move away from the upbringing model observed in her family of origin. This would involve a process of observation and reflection on the self, with the aim of releasing oneself from the influence of past experiences. It is important to avoid excessive repression of emotions and feelings.

4. There are methods that can be employed to assist the mother, although it is challenging for the elderly to alter their cognitive processes and behavioral patterns after a considerable length of time. It is therefore important to avoid impatience and to allow sufficient time for change to occur. The following suggestions may be helpful in this regard:

(1) Family members should endeavor to set aside time to engage in conversation with the mother regarding familial matters, thereby affording her a greater opportunity to express herself and alleviating her feelings of distress and apprehension.

(2) If the mother has a particular skill or interest, it may be beneficial to identify opportunities for her to continue engaging in that activity, thereby ensuring a full schedule and providing a source of distraction. Additionally, facilitating her integration into a social group for older adults could offer a valuable opportunity for interaction and engagement.

(3) It is possible that relying on the efforts of a single individual may prove to be somewhat exhausting. In such instances, it may be beneficial to mobilize the collective resources of the family in order to establish a connection with the mother in question. This approach could facilitate the formation of a unified field of love and compassion, which may, in turn, contribute to a gradual shift in the mother's perspective.