I always feel guilty for not spending the Chinese New Year with my mom, and I feel like I didn't do a good job?

Greetings. I am a heart exploration coach, Fly. It is my hope that the year 2023 will be a happy one for you.

The subject reports experiencing an internal conflict, wherein they feel both guilty towards their mother and aggrieved.

The situation with your mother, who is currently residing alone, evokes a strong desire for increased time spent with her. However, her persistent references to her mental health issues, which are a source of distress and disrupt your rest, have reached a point where you feel compelled to resume your professional duties.

Conversely, you also experience feelings of self-pity. As a mother, you have been the primary caregiver, and the additional stress of work has contributed to feelings of frustration and depression. You are motivated to utilize the New Year as an opportunity for rest and relaxation.

It is recommended that you offer yourself a warm embrace, engage in the act of sharing and venting, and allow your emotions to be expressed.

It is imperative to accept one's emotions.

The notion of a "good" or "bad" emotion is a construct that is not inherent to the emotion itself. Rather, it is a belief that has been artificially imposed upon these natural human experiences. Anger, sadness, and resentment are not inherently negative; they are simply emotions that may be perceived as such by an individual or society.

Emotions possess energy, and actions that are outwardly directed may cause harm to others, whereas actions that are inwardly directed (suppression) may cause harm to oneself. To a certain extent, emotions serve a protective function for us. For example, anger may assist in establishing personal boundaries and preventing others from violating those boundaries.

Additionally, emotions serve as "messengers," indicating the presence of unmet needs. For instance, an emotion such as grievance may be indicative of a need for care, pampering, respect, understanding, or acceptance.

Once an individual is able to identify the emotional needs that underpin their feelings, they gain a greater range of options. It is then possible to care for oneself and to accept and love oneself.

The initial step in effecting change is to "see," which signifies being aware. When confronted with a situation that evokes an emotional response, it is possible to take a moment to breathe deeply and attempt to remain calm. This allows one's original wisdom to be rekindled, thereby reinstating the capacity to make informed decisions in one's life.

2. Replace self-blame with responsibility.

You empathize with your mother and she holds you in high regard. Despite her mental health challenges, she is preoccupied with your wellbeing, providing care and preparing nourishing meals, which intensifies your sense of culpability regarding your conduct.

You believe that you should not be impatient with your mother and that you should spend a good Chinese New Year with her.

It is important to consider the situation from both perspectives. From your mother's point of view, she is typically isolated and widowed. When she interacts with you, she seeks a receptive listener who can offer emotional support and understanding, even if her words contain elements of complaint or accusation.

Additionally, the desire to return home, remove the external facade, and experience relaxation and security in one's authentic self may contribute to the impatience with one's mother's disclosures.

Once the good intentions behind one's own and one's mother's actions are discernible, feelings of guilt can be released. The responsibility inherent in the situation should be acknowledged, and the appropriate course of action should be taken, for example, by listening to one's mother in the future when she may simply be seeking an audience.

Concurrently, it is essential to disassociate oneself from one's mother's emotional state while simultaneously maintaining one's own independent identity. Self-blame tends to concentrate on past events, whereas responsibility is oriented towards the present and future.

It is evident that both you and your mother possess a profound affection and concern for one another, and that your aspirations are aligned. However, the routes you have chosen to pursue these goals are not identical.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information will prove beneficial to you. I extend my warmest regards to you, and I wish you well.

Should you wish to continue the communication process, you may click on the "Find a coach" option, which is located in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will communicate and grow with you on an individual basis.

Hello. I am here to help the person who has let themselves be caught up in self-reproach and guilt because of their attitude towards their mother.

I have read your message several times. I feel a sense of sadness coming from the bottom of my heart. It is as if my body is in a cold environment with nowhere to go. I feel a little nervous and scared inside, and more of all, I feel despair rising up from within.

I don't know how many years you have suffered, and how you have survived on your own. We have such a mother, unable to choose or escape. You have been burdened with a heavy yoke for far too long. You are so tired, so tired, that even your mother's voice now brings you to the verge of losing control, and you flee from her side.

I believe this is not because of the two days of companionship, nor is it because your heart has "changed" towards your mother. It is because the shackles in your heart are about to suffocate you, so you followed your instincts and chose to survive first. I believe your choice is appropriate and suitable for you at the moment. We don't have to rise to a moral high ground to judge ourselves.

You have the right to love yourself at any time and in any situation. There is nothing selfish about loving yourself. In fact, only by loving yourself better can you love others more generously.

We must acknowledge and address the emotional stress we're experiencing. Negative emotions serve a purpose for all of us.

It is our threat alert system. It will remind us that there are situations we don't want, which may cause us losses or harm.

Emotions such as disappointment, self-blame, and embarrassment make us more sensitive to the reactions of others and more in need of their help. This improves our chances of survival by banding together.

Fear reminds us that danger is near and we need to be vigilant. Loneliness reminds us that we are alone and need to reconnect with friends and family. Sadness reminds us that we have lost someone or something that we care about. Anxiety reminds us that the future is uncertain and we need to prepare for it. Anger reminds us that we feel unfairly treated or that our expectations have been dashed. And guilt reminds us that we care about this matter and hope to do better next time.

When we acknowledge the legitimacy of our emotions, allow them to arise, and allow them to stay with us for a while, we are acknowledging that we are a real and ordinary human being. We are allowed to be disappointed because we cannot do something. We are allowed to be afraid because we do not know. We are allowed to be angry because it is not fair.

In his book, A Life Full of Misfortune, Kabakian, the founder of mindfulness-based stress reduction therapy, writes:

Our emotional pain is a messenger.

They are trying to tell us something.

We must face them and feel them with all our might.

Understand your emotions.

They contain the seeds of healing.

I say this because I know you can find positive resources in your current negative state. We don't use our energy on the past. We can use that energy to explore and discover more about ourselves and think about what we can do in the future.

I want to understand how you view your own mental health issues and whether you are worried. I'm not sure if you're aware of your mother's mental health issues. I'm not sure if you've ever wondered about this issue with your mother, what caused her problems, or if there is a genetic factor in the family.

I don't know your personal information, your age, or your personal emotional development. I am certain, however, that the source of our stress is caused by work and that there are other superimposed stressors that we ignore. It is precisely our emotions that we ignore that constantly affect our words and actions and emotional state.

Use writing as a way to sort yourself out. Write down the things that worry you one by one.

When stressful things happen, thoughts take the form of an inner monologue, constantly pointing the finger and expressing opinions. What's more troubling is that sometimes they add fuel to the fire and exaggerate an ordinary stressful event into a catastrophe that seems like the sky is falling.

Thoughts are subjective comments in our minds. They are based on some truth, but they also include interpretations and processing of the facts by our minds based on past experiences.

Writing allows us to distance ourselves from our thoughts and see what the objective truth is.

You couldn't accompany your mother, especially after a long time apart. It's also a special time like the New Year, plus the attention from relatives and friends. All of this can trigger self-reproach and dissatisfaction with yourself. These are real and unavoidable emotions. You don't have to rush to get rid of them. Stay with them for a while.

We must accept things as they are in the present. We must recognize that emotions have their own laws of rising, maintaining, changing, and dissipating.

If you fight it, you'll only make it stronger. Stop wasting your time and energy on an impossible goal. Focus on living your real life.

It's not an enemy. It's a fellow traveler.

Acceptance means allowing ourselves to have painful emotional thoughts if they help us do something more worthwhile. Just like mountain climbing, we'll encounter thick fog along the way, and we'll be afraid because we can't see.

But in order to reach the top, we will take these worries with us, walk into the fog, and walk through it. When emotional thoughts come to visit, we will make room for them, just like the sky.

We allow them to stay and be as they are.

Let me be clear: acceptance does not mean that we have to like these negative experiences.

You don't need to feel satisfied with its appearance or be willing to put up with it. You simply need to coexist with it and let nature take its course.

Acceptance is the foundation for change.

We must accept that we can only do so much. We can allow ourselves to be limited in time, energy, finances, abilities, and accommodation. We are not perfect people, and we cannot give our mothers 100% of our attention and care while developing ourselves and maintaining our own survival.

You should be proud of all the things you have done for your mother over the years. Give yourself a deep hug for a job well done!

I'm not going to recommend any books or theories to you. You need to try to satisfy yourself. Eat what you want, wear what you love, relax however you want. Do whatever makes you happy. Love yourself!

Finally, I want to say that while we love our mothers, we also need to love ourselves.

Greetings. I am an aged, emaciated donkey.

I empathize with the challenges you are facing, but I also recognize the desire of your mother to confide in you. Furthermore, I can comprehend the additional burden of caring for a sick family member while working.

During my childhood, my parents were both employed outside the home on an ongoing basis. Consequently, each time we returned to our village for the New Year, the experience was fraught with difficulties. This was due to the fact that my parents and grandparents, who originated from the same village, would accumulate all of their grievances over the course of the year and then express them towards my parents at the end of the year. While the majority of our relatives were engaged in celebratory activities, our family would instead engage in heated arguments and physical altercations, which left a profound and lasting impact on me.

My brother and I were raised in an environment where, with the exception of our grandmother, our extended family has passed away. Our grandmother, who is advancing in age, has been experiencing cognitive decline, which has led to periods of agitation. During these episodes, she engages in disruptive behavior, including verbal outbursts and profanity, which disrupt the sleep of those in her vicinity. However, when her condition is stable, she displays affectionate and caring tendencies.

Subsequently, it was postulated that it might be preferable for Grandma to take turns staying with each family. However, this ultimately hastened her demise.

Following the death of his mother, the subject's father experienced feelings of guilt. On the one hand, he felt that his primary focus had been on earning a livelihood, which had limited his ability to demonstrate filial piety towards his mother. On the other hand, he felt that he was aware of his mother's volatile temperament but chose to allow her to care for his grandmother instead of assuming that responsibility himself. When his mother reached her limit in caring for his grandmother during her illness, she made remarks that were perceived as unkind. His father happened to overhear these remarks when he entered the house. Following the death of his mother, these events became a source of persistent distress for his father, leading to feelings of unhappiness on her birthday and loneliness on New Year's Day.

As a working individual, the OP is typically preoccupied with professional responsibilities and desires respite during the holiday season, which is a common and understandable phenomenon. During their formative years, the OP bears the financial burden of supporting their mother and addresses her challenges, a role that can be exceptionally challenging.

It is not uncommon for a mother to desire to convey to her child the accumulated experiences of loneliness, challenges, and profound sentiments accumulated over the past two years. This is a natural inclination, even among individuals without mental health concerns. Additionally, it is important to recognize that the mother in this situation may be experiencing mental health issues, which could potentially influence her actions and communication. This is not an intentional display of malice, but rather a reflection of her underlying condition.

It would be more advisable for the questioner to

From the perspective of the mother in question,

1. It is advisable to adjust one's psychological expectations regarding one's mother's willingness to engage in conversation, particularly in instances where she is experiencing mental health challenges. It is a common phenomenon for parents who live independently to experience feelings of loneliness and a need for social interaction.

2. Enhance your comprehension of your mother's aspiration to articulate herself and endeavor to engage in more communication with your offspring, thereby facilitating their comprehension of your expectations for their future.

3. It would be beneficial to demonstrate increased patience. It is possible that your mother's primary objective is to be heard, understood, and empathized with, rather than to receive your personal opinions.

From the perspective of the questioner himself,

1. It is important to accept and understand one's emotions. Everyone experiences emotional lows. One can choose to avoid communication with one's mother when in a low mood and wait until one has processed one's emotions before engaging in communication.

2. One should endeavor to disassociate oneself from past emotions. Immersing oneself in past guilt is an ineffective method for improving one's emotional state and may even exacerbate psychological distress.

Demonstrating affection for one's mother does not have to be confined to a single occasion. Frequent visits and regular phone calls may prove a more effective approach.

3. It is imperative to prioritize one's resources and capabilities. Attempting to provide more than one can reasonably accommodate will inevitably lead to exhaustion and a heightened susceptibility to psychological distress.

4. It is a common misconception that parents hold grudges against their children. It is not necessary for the questioner to bear a psychological burden; it would be sufficient for him or her to be kinder to his or her mother in the days to come.

5. It is advisable to learn how to release pressure. Prolonged emotional distress can lead to increased anxiety, which is detrimental to work and personal life.

I am sending you my best regards.

Hello, I'm Zeyu, and I'm here to help!

From what you've told me, it's clear that you love and care for your mother. But because of her "acting," you're having a hard time standing it and choosing to escape. This can make you feel guilty, but I'm here to help you work through it!

The questioner is on the path to forgiveness! He's just having a little trouble finding a reason to forgive himself. Let me say a few more words about your mother's mental state. If it's a general psychological problem, the questioner can take his mother to seek help from a psychological counselor. If it's a psychotic problem, I highly recommend that after you've calmed down, you go to a mental health center for a relevant examination to determine the problem. Then, you can cooperate with treatment and get your mother the help she needs!

Psychological counseling or psychotherapy could be a great way to help your mother heal and grow. It can help with communication skills and relationships, for example. These methods can help your mother and reduce your sense of guilt.

Your mother lacked companionship and love, and you were unable to give her this attention while working outside the home. But there is still something we can do! Try to identify the parts you have already done and affirm your actions. If you still feel guilty, you can also try to vent and digest it through talking, counseling, writing, mindfulness meditation, etc.

Forgiving yourself is an amazing step! It requires you to first accept your mother for who she really is, as you mentioned in your letter. Another thing is to try to accept these negative emotional experiences you have had and what has happened in the present. Avoiding them will only intensify your guilt. Although accepting reality will make us feel sad and upset, it can reduce our guilt.

It's clear from your words that you regret what happened. But what's stopping you from forgiving yourself? You can do it!

I really, really hope that the original poster can repair their relationship with their mother!

I extend my warmest wishes for a Happy New Year!

In light of the national celebration of the Chinese New Year, the pervasive restlessness and negative emotions that the question description and expressions of self-reproach evoke are particularly salient.

In regard to the difficulties you have faced with your mother, I would like to present the following analysis and recommendations:

[Positive self-awareness]

The questioner is a person with a strong sense of self-awareness, as evidenced by the following statements: "I ignited a conflict with her, which proved ineffective and only exacerbated her agitation." "I experienced heightened feelings of culpability." "I felt distress over my perceived failure to fulfill my obligations."

This clear self-awareness represents a positive process of getting to know and accepting oneself, which is the key to ultimately resolving the problem.

[Changing expectations]

Additionally, the questioner expressed hope that her mother would speak less and be at least absolutely quiet when resting. Despite her mother's assurances, the questioner found this to be ineffective. She also acknowledged that her expectations for her mother were perhaps too high.

The mother's mental health issues have persisted for an extended period, with the questioner bearing the brunt of the responsibility for managing her mother's challenges and financial obligations, while simultaneously experiencing significant psychological distress.

The psychological pressure is intensifying, and the condition is also evolving.

If expectations are not adjusted in a timely manner, the result is often a passive response.

[Self-psychological adjustment]

Additionally, the questioner described a situation in which they became visibly upset and engaged in a heated argument with their mother. They also described a subsequent instance in which they experienced a significant emotional breakdown and returned to work on New Year's Eve.

This is also the proximate cause of the negative emotions experienced.

It is recommended that the questioner, on the basis of self-awareness, undertake an appropriate analysis of their impulsive and spontaneous personality traits and implement an appropriate adjustment.

It is recommended that the questioner analyze the causes and implement countermeasures to reduce the negative impact, whether it is work pressure or family pressure.

[Positive Affirmation Remedy]

It is encouraging to observe that the questioner has sought assistance on this platform.

It is recommended that the questioner should initially focus on affirming the positive actions they have already taken with regard to their mother, which is not within their control.

Secondly, it is recommended that the questioner's constructive approach to seeking social support through various channels be affirmed. This approach can prove beneficial in addressing challenges, alleviating psychological pressure and negative emotions, and demonstrating responsible and sensible conduct towards oneself and one's family.

Third, given the premature conclusion of the vacation period, it would be prudent to implement corrective measures, such as facilitating communication with the mother via telephone or video conference, or devising a more comprehensive treatment plan for her during the aforementioned period of leisure.

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy new year.

All beneficial beginnings are preceded by new changes.

It is my hope that the aforementioned suggestions will prove beneficial to you.

Hello there!

Hug you, sweetheart. Don't cry, my dear.

The Spring Festival is a very special day, a day of reunion and togetherness. It's a day that can feel a bit heavy and full of responsibility, but it's also a day that we can all look forward to!

I think we can all agree that no one wants to spend the holidays apart from their loved ones. We work hard every day and only share the good news, not the bad. But there's nothing quite like a family gathering to make us feel loved and warm. So, let's not underestimate the power of companionship and support from our loved ones!

But there are also families that are "in pain but happy" for one reason or another. This can be because of illness, financial problems, ability, or other conflicts. So, some people "don't want to go home for the New Year either." What's going on here is that they're really wanting to be understood and accepted. But it can be hard for us to express our true emotions because we have responsibilities, social expectations, and high self-expectations. So, we might hide our emotions in our hearts, endure again and again, and eventually explode, triggering even greater conflicts.

And after the conflict, when we calm down, it's so easy to blame ourselves!

But please, believe in yourself and others. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we'll choose to respond to difficulties in a negative and evasive way because we just can't find the most appropriate way to get along with each other. It's not to avoid responsibility, but sometimes it's the best way to better withstand the pressure and take on the responsibility.

It's only when we see each other's difficulties that we can let go of our own cognitive limitations and automatic defense mechanisms. In that moment, we can choose to face each other and embrace each other for who we are.

Of course, this also requires our ability to detect emotions in time, which puts forward a requirement. Moreover, when facing a "sick" mother, it's hard to know how much patience and love is needed to keep the other person balanced. But what we can do in the moment is to do our best to support each other and ourselves.

If it's possible, it would be great if the questioner could find a suitable psychological counselor for the mother after the holiday. This would help her to release her emotions when the economy allows. The questioner is not a professional doctor, and sometimes, even with great patience, they cannot cope with the mother's emotional ups and downs. This is a very difficult process. Within the limits of the mother's illness, if she does not receive proper guidance and emotional comfort, she will become even more lonely and helpless. Doctors, however, are highly trained and have targeted remedies. The questioner will have an extra helping hand, and can also ease the stressful pace of life.

I really hope my mom gets better soon! And I want to wish the original poster a very happy new year! May your new year be smooth and full of good luck!

I'm sending you lots of good luck and encouragement to hang in there!

Dear questioner, I can sense that you have a deep affection for your mother and a desire to spend the New Year with her. However, due to the challenges your mother is facing, there was a misunderstanding and you returned to your workplace in a state of distress. Despite your departure, you are experiencing feelings of regret, sadness, and self-reproach for not being more considerate.

It might be helpful to hug your child, who can understand the pressure you are under when you are with your mother. Perhaps we could explore your confusion together.

It might be helpful to try to accept yourself.

Accompanying someone who is sick requires a great deal of time, energy, patience, and tolerance. Given the demands of work, you may already feel quite exhausted when you return home.

It may be helpful to consider that, while your relatives and friends may perceive your mother's situation as requiring your company and care, you may have reached a point where you feel you no longer have the energy to provide that care, despite your desire to do so.

It's important to remember that none of us are superheroes, and there are times when we feel vulnerable and helpless. It's natural to blame ourselves and feel attacked by our own selves when we can't accept this vulnerable and helpless state. Take a moment to hug yourself and admit that you are not a superhero and that there are times when you feel powerless.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the original intention behind going back or leaving.

We returned home for the New Year with the hope that our presence would bring happiness to our parents. However, after we arrived, it became apparent that our mother was not as pleased as we had anticipated. You also experienced a challenging time due to the lack of rest you had been hoping for. In light of these circumstances, you decided to leave, which can be seen as a way of distancing yourself from the situation to allow yourself time and space to adjust your state.

I hope that, whether you choose to go back or leave, you and your mother can find a way to be happy. When you feel ready, take some time to calm down, adjust your emotions, and then call your mother to communicate your thoughts.

It is possible that she may not fully comprehend your feelings, but it is beneficial to express your thoughts and emotions rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

It might be helpful to consider adjusting your emotions.

From the title, we can infer that your current emotional state may not be optimal. As the primary source of financial and emotional support for your family, it is important to prioritize your well-being and emotional stability to demonstrate love and care for your mother. I believe that every mother desires for her children to be healthy, happy, and joyful.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. Best regards,

Hello! The problem is not that you don't want to spend more time with your mother. The problem is that when you are with her, your mother's reaction is too much for you to handle, causing you stress. But you have the power to choose how you react to that stress! Instead of escaping and leaving, what if you had stayed and tried to find a way to handle the situation? What would have happened if you hadn't left? Would you have had a conflict with your mother?

Leaving is the best option for you to avoid conflicts with your mother. After leaving, you'll feel the stress melt away in a new environment. You'll start to feel like a child again, with no worries and no guilt.

The result is an internal conflict that can be overcome by making a conscious decision to either spend time with your mother or not. Either way, you'll feel better!

1. Discuss spending time with your mother

When you're spending time with your mother, you're also looking for ways to relieve stress. You've been working hard for a year, you're especially tired, your body is exhausted, and your spirit is running low. You yourself feel a kind of mental fatigue, but you know you can push through it!

After returning home, I long to be filled with the power of my mother's love, so that I can have the energy to live a better life. But I didn't realize that my mother's nagging didn't relieve my stress, but instead made me even more stressed, more tired, both physically and mentally.

In your description of your mother, she seems to have some mental problems. Is her nagging a way to release pressure and get some attention? By nagging, does she hope you can see how hard she has worked all year, and also hope you can give her encouragement and love?

When we are under stress, it can be tough to feel the presence of love. But we can do it!

2. How to Get Along with Your Mother Under Pressure

It's so important to recognize your stress! When you're feeling stressed, you crave quiet to relieve the pressure, while your mother, I bet, loves to chat endlessly to relieve the pressure. Your ways of relieving stress are totally different!

When your mother nags, give her a hug to show your appreciation for her hard work over the past year. Tell her that you really appreciate her and that she's doing a great job. Give her a verbal boost to relieve her stress. And tell her that you need to be left alone for an hour, and that after a good rest, you'll do some housework together.

I think you long for this kind of scene, too! Imagine it: Mum, just shut up and rest. After resting, you do the housework together. It's a very warm and harmonious scene, with each of you caring about the life of the past year and looking forward to the life of the next year.

3. Dealing with guilt Guilt is a natural emotion, but there are ways to overcome it and move forward with a positive mindset.

Do something your mother likes to relieve your guilt. You don't have to love it, but you can do it now that you're calm. Give your mother a call and keep her company. Chat with her to make her happy. This is a great way to deal with guilt. And learn to thank your mother more often! These words will make her feel great.

Hello, dear question asker!

I've read your question and I totally get where you're coming from. I'm sending you lots of hugs!

I can see that the OP wants to forgive herself. I think she should, because it's not easy for a mother to live alone. But you work outside the home and also have to bear your mother's troubles and expenses. Especially during these three years of the pandemic, it's even more difficult for you. Even if your mother is normal, it's also very difficult to bear the burden of supporting the family and becoming the mainstay of the family. Not to mention the current situation with your mother. It's really hard for you. It's really great that you can persevere until now and be able to do this, so that your mother can live alone with peace of mind. You're doing a great job!

So, in this situation, what can we do to feel better? How can we make our lives better?

I'd love to share my views based on my personal knowledge and experience!

First, try not to dwell on the past. Things are in the past now, and we've already returned to work on the 30th day of the Lunar New Year. Things have happened, and we shouldn't dwell on them too much. I don't know if you've thought about this, but I just wanted to share my thoughts.

If you're really struggling to be at home, how long can you manage it? I can see that you told your mother that you wanted to make her quiet by arguing, but it didn't have the desired effect. It can be said that you chose to leave quietly on your own when you couldn't stand it anymore, to avoid intensifying the conflict and making it out of control. In this way, your leaving and returning to work became a wise choice again. So do we still need to be so entangled in this matter?

Secondly, focus on your current life and show your mother the love you have for her from afar. Now that telephones are so convenient, you can talk to her more often by phone or video. Now that we are at work, distance creates beauty, and it is more convenient to communicate with your mother this way. You can express your gratitude to your mother for cooking you delicious food when you were at home and for all the caring things she said. You can convey your care and thoughts to her. If you feel that you haven't done enough, you can also convey this to your mother, so that you can't help but vent your anger and apologize to her. It is possible that your mother doesn't understand this, but after you say it, your heart will feel better. I believe that your mother will feel your intentions. In other words, you must let out your current emotions, and it will feel better when you do.

It's okay to feel frustrated. We all have moments when we wish we could trade places with someone else. Think about why you could put up with your mother in this condition before, but now you can't stand it at all. Is it because your own situation has also been bothering you sometimes recently? It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed when you're not feeling your best. It's like you're trying to juggle a million things at once! So, when someone like your mother, who is not in good spirits, comes along, it can feel like too much to handle. It's not easy! But, you've got this!

If you see it and it's not easy for you for those reasons, then give yourself some extra love and attention in those areas. Isn't there a saying? "Trouble is enlightenment." Give yourself some extra TLC, and you'll grow another notch. By the next time you go home, I'm sure your tolerance for your mother will be much, much higher.

Come on, my friend, look forward to the future, and let life unfold as you wish!

I love you, world! And I love you, too!

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm excited to help you!

First of all, thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your guilt so that we can help you! You said, "I always feel guilty for not spending the Chinese New Year with my mother, and I feel that I have not done a good job."

I can feel the conflict, persistence, and regret in you. I understand how you feel, so let's look at how to deal with our negative emotions and turn them into positive feelings!

1. Relationship Let's dive into the exciting world of relationships!

1⃣️, Situation

You said, "I work away from home, and there's only my mother at home. She has some mental problems. I didn't get to spend last year's New Year with her, but this year I've finally come back early and I'm so excited to spend a good time with her. She's a great conversationalist, but she can be a bit harsh sometimes. By the time I've rested, she's still going strong."

You work away from home, which gives you the chance to explore new places and gain new experiences!

You don't live in the same city as your mother, but you're lucky enough to have her living alone at home!

I can't wait to come back early this year to spend a good New Year with you and also have a good rest!

Mom!

My mother has some mental problems and is a chatterbox, talking from morning till night, regardless of whether you are resting or not. Sometimes she also says rude and offensive things that are hard for you to accept, but she means well!

2⃣️, mood You're feeling a bit down in the dumps, but you're ready to turn it around!

You say, "Because of the pressure of work before the holiday, I just want to go home and rest. I also told her that I hoped she would keep quiet, at least while I was resting. She agreed, but it didn't help. I got angry easily and argued with her, which didn't help matters and only made her more agitated. I went home and went to bed at 1 or 2 in the morning both nights. I was really devastated, so on New Year's Eve I went back to work."

Emotions

Because of the pressure at work, you're excited to go home this time to rest properly, hoping that your mother will be quiet and say less so that you can get some rest. Your mother promises, and you're looking forward to it!

This situation makes you feel restless and irritable. You lose your temper with your mother, and it's a wild ride!

Arguing

You were so angry at your mother for being so annoying! You just had to vent your anger on her. Your mother was also irritated and her emotions began to run high, which made both of you lose your temper. The emotional turmoil also made it hard for you to calm down and rest, and you were on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You simply fled the family home and returned to the workplace.

3⃣️, guilt

You say, "My friends' families all advised me to stay a few more days. It was hard to come back, and my mother is alone, so I feel sorry for her and understand her. If I can bear it until the end of the holiday and leave, I won't feel guilty, and I'm excited to see what the future holds!"

Now that I see her at home alone, I really feel that I shouldn't. I also know that this time I have set too high an expectation on her. She is not well, and I have been able to ignore it before, but this time I can't stand it at all.

When I think that she also said that she would cook me delicious food and say kind words to me, I feel even more excited to make up for it!

Your relatives are there for you, ready to offer their support and comfort.

Your relatives are concerned for your mother and advise you to go back and spend some time with her. After all, she is usually alone, and the New Year's holiday is supposed to be a time of reunion! You feel sorry for her and are excited to make things right.

Guilt

You also agree with what your relatives said, that you can't control your emotions well, and you feel a little regret for arguing with your mother even though you knew she was sick. Especially since your mother had said she would cook you a nice meal.

But you just got so angry and left, and you feel even more guilty towards your mother.

4⃣️, relief

You said, "I want to forgive myself and tell myself that I have shouldered my mother's troubles and expenses alone all these years, and have endured too much psychological pressure, but I still feel that I have not fulfilled my duties, and it feels very bad." But you know what? You can forgive yourself! You can tell yourself that you have done your best, and that you are doing great things. You have been there for your mother, and that is so admirable. You have been a great daughter.

Let go!

You want to tell yourself that you have lost control because you have been carrying too much and are under too much pressure. But here's the thing: you have been taking care of your mother for so many years! You have dealt with the many troubles she has caused and borne her expenses. You have done right by your mother. So, forgive yourself and make life easier for yourself!

Single parent

If I'm not mistaken, you come from a single-parent family, so your mother and you relied on each other. In terms of filial piety, you feel that you haven't done enough to support your mother this time you've run away from home, and it makes you feel bad. But don't worry! There's plenty you can do to make it up to her.

2. The reason for the problem

If you want to let go of the emotional baggage you've been carrying and change the situation, you need to understand the cause of the problem in order to solve it. And you can do it!

1⃣️, caused by personality and illness

Personality

You mentioned that you have a short temper, which is something we can definitely work on together! You feel that your mother lives in her own world, which is totally understandable. It might be a bit challenging for you to communicate with her, but we can definitely figure out a way to bridge the gap.

Your temperaments and personalities are different, which makes things interesting! You have a blaming and aggressive personality, while your mother is an optimistic person.

? Accusatory personality type

Blame-shifting types are always on the move, attacking and criticizing with gusto. They're not afraid to blame others for their problems, either!

"It's all your fault," "What's wrong with you?" are their catchphrases. Looking at their inner experiences, the "blame type" will constantly annoy and blame other people or the environment in order to protect themselves.

Blame means contempt for others. They consider their own situation and feelings more, and they're not afraid to say it like it is! They don't care much about other people's feelings, and they're not going to apologize for it.

Now, let's dive into the exciting world of radical personalities!

The radical personality has so many amazing qualities!

Characteristics: strong-willed, action-oriented, energetic, and achievement-oriented!

This person is courageous and decisive, persevering through challenges with unwavering determination. They are not afraid of difficulties and are self-disciplined, which makes them an inspiring leader.

Advantages: They're passionate, empathetic, and determined. Disadvantages: They can be a bit hot-headed, lack empathy, and are sometimes too stubborn.

Let's talk about the amazing, optimistic personality!

Optimistic people have so many great qualities!

Characteristics: broad interests, loves to chat, warm and enthusiastic, and just all-around enjoys life!

Your mother has so many amazing strengths! She's optimistic and lively, seizing the moment with enthusiasm. She's also incredibly compassionate and excellent at making friends.

Your mother has a lot of great qualities, but she does have a few minor disadvantages. She can be a bit impulsive and flighty, and sometimes she gives up halfway. She's also a bit superficial and vulnerable, and prone to remorse.

? Illness

Your mother is a warm and affectionate person who just loves to chat! She thinks about you all the time and wants to talk to you more. She doesn't get angry easily and has a strong sense of compassion. However, it seems that your mother is easily irritated now, which is probably caused by the illness.

2⃣️, emotional needs

On the one hand, it is due to her personality, and on the other hand, it also reflects her emotional needs and the need to have someone to listen to her. So, even if you say that you are tired and want to be left alone, she knows in her heart that she will still be unable to resist talking to you about things that are none of your business.

3⃣️ Lack of empathy and emotional management Let's dive into this together!

?? Lack of empathy

Your eventual discord is not only due to the differences in your personalities, as mentioned earlier, but also because you failed to empathize with your mother. You did not consider the reasons behind your mother's efforts to communicate with you, and were only concerned about your own uncomfortable feelings at the time. This is an excellent opportunity for you to learn and grow!

So, if you feel annoyed by your mother, you won't mind her actions when you are in a good mood!

Lack of emotional management

After you reminded your mother not to bother you, she insisted, and you felt that your mother was unreasonable and became emotional as a result. It is your thoughts that caused your emotional change — so now you have the chance to change them!

When you get emotional, you can't adjust your emotions as quickly as you should. This is something you can work on! Your accusatory personality makes you think that it's all your mother's fault. You feel like a victim, so you explode and argue with your mother. This shows that you lack self-emotion management, which is something you can improve!

Once you've cooled off, you'll see that you didn't think things through as much as you could have.

3⃣️, poor communication Let's dive in and see how we can improve this!

We can also learn from your account that your usual communication skills with your mother are flawed. But there's good news! If you pay attention to using effective communication to communicate with your mother, your mother may be able to accept your current state and understand your mood, and later wait until you are in a better mood before disturbing you.

The good news is that your conflicts can be avoided!

3. How to improve the relationship

1⃣️, Learn to empathize!

Empathy is the amazing ability to feel the emotions of the other person. It's not something you're born with, but with a little practice, you can master it! Here's how:

Now for the fun part! It's time to observe.

When you see that your needs or expectations are not being met, this is a sign that you need to empathize! If you only consider your own emotions, you may miss the real needs that your mother has for you. But if you pay attention and observe the signals of the other person's underlying needs, and try to understand her situation, you will definitely not miss the opportunity to empathize!

Put yourself in her shoes and see the world through her eyes!

If you say, "I'm not very good at trying to understand her situation," you can assume what you would be thinking if you were her, what you need the other person to do for you. After thinking about it, you will realize that you understand how difficult it is for your mother, and the purpose and true demands of her constant talking. This is a great opportunity to empathize with your mother and see things from her perspective.

This is empathy and putting yourself in someone else's shoes!

2⃣️, meet your mother's expectations!

Your mother doesn't usually live with you, and she may not have many contacts with outsiders. But that doesn't matter! She really needs to talk to someone about her emotional needs. Being able to sense your mother's expectations and promptly meet her needs is also a kind of spiritual comfort for her. You won't regret it either!

3⃣️, effective communication

Effective communication is key!

Communication is the exchange of information, which is a wonderful process of conveying a message to a communication partner in the hope of eliciting a desired response. When this process is achieved, it is the ultimate in effective communication!

Communication is a two-way street! It involves both verbal and non-verbal messages, with the non-verbal part often being more important than the verbal part. Effective communication is of great importance in dealing with family relationships and complex social relationships.

Now for the fun part! Let's dive into the steps to effective communication:

Effective communication is a four-step process that can transform your relationships!

Step 1: Express your feelings, not just emotions!

Step 2: It's time to express what you want, not what you don't want! Let it out! Express that you are angry, not that you are angry about expressing it.

Step 3: Express your needs, not your complaints. Don't make the other person guess what you want!

Step 4: Express the direction you want to go, not complain about where you are; look at the end result, not get stuck in the event.

When your mother has different opinions, pay attention to these four steps in communication. You can avoid conflicts by using the right method! Effective communication is key to building great family relationships and personal growth.

4️⃣ Manage your emotions

And finally, emotional management is an important lesson for you to handle family relationships and interpersonal relationships. It's a key skill that will help you navigate relationships with confidence and ease. So, what is emotional management?

It's time to recognize those emotions!

This is the first step in emotion management, and it's a great one! When you have an emotion, recognize what it is. It could be anxiety, anger, sadness, or something else entirely.

And now for the best part: accepting your emotions!

Healthy emotions are the ones you express in a way that's totally in line with what's going on around you. When you're feeling what's actually going on, you'll know your emotions are totally normal. And that's the first step to accepting them!

This is great news! It means that emotional tension will decrease, and inner peace will naturally return.

And now for the fun part! Expressing emotions.

Emotional expression is a great way to share your feelings! It's a simple way to say "I feel... because..."

And now for the fun part! It's time to cultivate those emotions.

The great news is that you can cultivate and practice emotion management in many different ways!

(1) Living a regular life is a great way to stabilize your emotions!

(2) Get out there and find a hobby you love! Let your positive emotions drive you, love yourself and life, and feel the beauty of life!

(3) There's nothing more joyful than caring for and taking care of others, letting love dwell in your heart, and helping others!

(4) Get out there and connect with nature! Absorbing the essence of the world will open your heart and calm your emotions, making you more stable.

(5) Make friends with people who are stable and reduce emotional interference and fluctuations by spending time with them. It's a great idea!

Let me tell you what I think is the best way to handle this. When you feel your emotions changing, the best thing you can do is take a step back, calm down, acknowledge your emotions, accept them, and express your feelings if you need to do so. It is best to communicate with your mother when you are emotionally stable.

When dealing with an easily agitated mother, you have the power to choose your words wisely! Avoid using harsh or accusatory language that might provoke a negative reaction. Instead, choose words that will bring a sense of calm and understanding to the situation.

Questioner, I'm so excited to share some of my thoughts on the things you described! I really hope they'll help alleviate some of your inner anxiety.

And finally, I wish you all the very best!