I am 39 years old and I am very confused about marriage, children and the future. Am I really sick?

At 39 years old, you have lived for almost 40 years, yet you still have not identified your sense of self-worth or developed a plan for the future. It is reasonable to conclude that you are "developmentally delayed." Your psychological age appears to align with that of a teenage boy.

If you are uncertain about your future and the direction it will take, it is important to recognize that these feelings are indicative of immaturity. Indifference towards your wife and family, as well as the tendency to fantasize about a woman with a perfect appearance to save you from your predicament, are all signs that you are not yet ready to take on the responsibilities of adulthood.

If you adhere to the principles of psycho-dynamic thought, you would focus on analyzing the reasons for your continued immaturity and lack of growth. Alternatively, you could examine the relationship between your romantic life and the influence of your original family.

Let me first analyze your defense mechanism, also known as a behavioral pattern, a self-protection mode. As the popular Internet saying goes, "Evasion is shameful, but it works."

All previous relationships have ended unsuccessfully, and you have chosen to avoid the difficulties in your married life by fantasizing that your wife would become more beautiful. This is a defensive mechanism for avoidance, a pattern of behavior that is afraid of facing the truth and solving problems.

It is possible that during your upbringing, your independent wishes were suppressed, you were unable to be true to your heart, and you were unable to make choices according to your own wishes. In order to avoid conflicts with family and friends, you could only avoid problems, ignore contradictions, and "evading" became your way of survival. You became accustomed to following other people's orders and ignoring your own desires and needs.

Over time, while choosing to compromise and avoid, you also lose sight of your own needs. What are your own loves and hates?

Active, spontaneous, and willing thoughts are powerful and full of life, and can be sustained. Passive, obedient, and conformist thoughts wither and die quickly.

Your own child is about to be born, a vulnerable life form that requires your active protection and care. You cannot evade this responsibility. What other options do you have?

Your inquiry essentially asks whether there is a diagnosable condition. While anxiety and depression can impact social functioning, the disease itself is not the primary concern.

The key is to understand yourself, accept yourself, and be willing to change. Change inevitably involves some degree of pain, so it is essential to determine whether you are prepared to face this challenge.

Greetings, I am Yi Xinli's Destruction and Regeneration, honored to connect with you on this platform. My aim is to provide you with a source of warmth and sunshine.

Firstly, perusing your statements evoked a profound sense of "meaninglessness" and a pervasive feeling of "powerlessness," coupled with an ardent desire for transformation yet an inability to effect it. Nevertheless, it is commendable that you have sought assistance from the Yixinli platform and demonstrated the fortitude to divulge your "dark side." This marks the advent of change. In recognition of this, I extend my commendation and applause.

The situation described above is not uncommon. When couples first begin a romantic relationship, they often experience a high level of passion and romance, perceiving their partner as almost perfect. However, as time passes and they face the challenges of daily life, the idealized images of their partner may fade. Additionally, as individuals evolve and their differences become more apparent, the initial impression of their partner may not remain as positive as it was at the outset. This can lead to a widening psychological gap, potentially resulting in conflict.

"My wife frequently displays anger, engages in physical violence, and even threatens me with a knife as a result of my perceived lack of emotional warmth and affection."

From this sentence, it is evident that your wife holds a profound affection for you. However, your apparent lack of interest has led to a sense of detachment on her part, which in turn has prompted her to resort to these rather extreme measures in an attempt to elicit your concern and attention.

If the subject does not love or care about the object, it is unlikely that they would become angry, scold, or even threaten the object with a knife because they are cold. This is an example of hatred born of love.

"I feel that I care a great deal about appearance, and I will be distressed if my wife's appearance does not meet my standards. I always hope that my wife can become the ideal version of herself."

It is evident that an imaginary wife has already become a prominent figure in your psyche, and you have already established a preconceived notion of her appearance. However, have you ever contemplated whether your affection lies with the imaginary wife or the actual one?

In other words, even if she were to truly embody the idealized version of herself that you have in mind, would you still be able to feel at ease?

"In retrospect, the intensity of my previous romantic relationships diminished over time, and I was unable to establish a genuine connection with a partner."

In my view, this is the crux of the matter. It is reminiscent of Freud's concept of "compulsive repetition," which suggests that one is engaged in a repetitive, cyclical process, akin to a play in which one repeatedly "acts" out the same role.

If one's intimate relationships adhere to a consistent routine or pattern, if one encounters similar individuals and circumstances, and if one faces recurring challenges, it may be necessary to consider the possibility that an "institutional mechanism" is operating in one's subconscious mind, continuously generating these issues.

From my personal experience, this may be related to your upbringing. It is possible that you formed certain shadows or deep-seated problems related to intimate relationships during your growth process, which were not resolved well. This may have resulted in the replication of these problems within your marital relationship. It is likely that only by attempting to resolve these deep-seated problems can you hope to fundamentally solve your marital relationship problems.

Otherwise, irrespective of whether a divorce is pursued or not, the issue will remain unresolved, and there is a significant probability that it will have an adverse impact on future generations.

It is therefore recommended that, should financial resources permit, the assistance of a professional counselor be sought. This individual can facilitate self-awareness and self-change, enabling the resolution of deeply embedded issues and the rekindling of one's life force.

I am also aware of counselors who have considerable experience in addressing relationship issues of a similar nature. Should you wish to pursue this option, I would be happy to provide you with their contact details.

Good day! In the era of my parents, a wife who is 39 years old and pregnant with a child is indeed a source of admiration and joy. However, in contrast, it is challenging to maintain a sense of happiness in today's society. From the early stages of pregnancy to giving birth to a child, there are indeed numerous challenges to navigate, and the pressure is mounting. It's natural to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and confusion. I'm unsure what else I can do to support you, and I'm uncertain about the future. A strong sense of powerlessness emerges.

The romantic period of your first few months with your wife may have led you to believe that you were experiencing true love. It's possible that you hadn't yet had the opportunity to determine whether this woman was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. However, you may have felt pressure from your family and been influenced by the opinions of this woman and the general perceptions of others. You may have found that your inner voice was struggling, but you chose to prioritize the opinions of the majority and ignore your own voice. This dynamic may have been similar to experiences you had as a child. The principle of "the minority obeying the majority" may have led you to lose respect for your own voice.

In your past relationships, you may have noticed that what you wanted was the sweet longing of a relationship, to be cared for by the other person. When the relationship became overly stable and you became familiar with each other, the frequency of caring for each other seemed to decrease, and the feedback you received from the other person may not have been as satisfying as you had hoped. This feeling of disparity was amplified, and you may have felt uncomfortable with the way you got along. You may have dealt with it in an indifferent manner. You may have felt that your actions were selfish and self-serving in your moral standards. Morality is not about tying yourself down and growing up, ignoring and exploring your own needs. You may just look for what your needs are in the process of these experiences.

I'm sorry to say that I find your attitude towards me to be somewhat indifferent. As a result, I feel the need to scold you quite frequently. I'm not pleased with your behaviour, but I've been known to throw a temper tantrum and even threaten to stab you. I'm sure you can imagine how terrifying it must be to live in this environment. If I were you, I would also run away and not want to go home. I'm afraid I'm unable to tell the other person what is in my heart, as I'm worried that the more I say, the more mistakes I will make and cause even greater damage. Your wife's behaviour makes you feel scared and leaves a shadow. She herself also doesn't know how to express herself, so she uses this extreme method to show it. Your wife, who sees no hope, wants to divorce you to relieve this pain. You want to escape, but you are afraid of the uncertain future and dare not act rashly. Both of you are suffering. No one knows what the future will hold. I don't know what your ideal appearance is like. A person's appearance can be changed through minimally invasive procedures. If it can't be changed, learn to accept the unchangeable. You have to spend some time thinking about what kind of life you want. You and your wife's current state of life is only painful if you maintain the status quo. Have you ever thought about adjusting your views on each other and listening to each other's needs and ideas with an open mind?

I am a dolphin listening teacher. I hope my response is helpful. I heard your voice as I passed by and answered for you.

Your wife's pregnancy means that you have the incredible opportunity to grow from being a husband to also being a father. This change in role, combined with the changes in your relationship with your wife, can indeed have a significant emotional impact on you and make you feel powerless.

It's not that you don't want the little life in your wife's womb—it's that you're feeling a little uncertain about the future. And it's totally normal to feel a little confused, anxious, and resistant.

I really hope that what I'm about to share can help you face the current difficulties to some extent. I've got lots more perspectives for you to think about:

1. The feeling of love cannot be found after the passion has faded, perhaps due to insufficient secretion of oxytocin. But don't worry! There are plenty of other ways to experience love.

The message mentions that you have gradually cooled down from the passion in several relationships and have been unable to find true love. This phenomenon has made you doubt yourself, and you feel that you are a selfish scumbag.

On the one hand, you are experiencing the pain of not finding true love. On the other hand, you are facing the internal challenge of your own self. This double suffering has the potential to weigh you down and leave you breathless.

And the wife's incomprehension has led to some pretty intense moments, including tantrums, scolding, and even threats with a knife! These have really made you want to avoid the situation.

Guess what? It all comes from:

The gradual cooling of passion in several relationships, and the inability to find true love.

But this may not be a personal moral issue, but rather an abnormality in the feeling of love—which means there's still hope!

It's no secret that when a couple first gets together, there's a rush of passion. This is thanks to dopamine secretion in the brain! Passion typically lasts for about six months to three years, after which dopamine secretion gradually decreases and eventually stops as the two parties become more familiar with each other.

So why don't many couples fall apart because of this? It's very important to note that the human body secretes not just dopamine, but also oxytocin!

This amazing neuropeptide is not only found in women, but also in men! It is an important neurotransmitter for sensing intimacy between the two partners.

If your relationships basically die during the passion period and the sense of intimacy is not really established afterwards, it is related to insufficient oxytocin. But don't worry! There are ways to increase oxytocin and improve your relationships.

In this regard, you can imagine whether, apart from love, there are also difficulties in establishing intimacy between you and your parents or other important relatives. If this is the case, it may be necessary to go to a professional institution to confirm whether there is an abnormality in the secretion of neurotransmitters. If you are just lovers, then this part is related to the high demand for appearance itself, which may affect your body and brain's perception of the durability and stability of love.

In this regard, you can imagine whether, apart from love, there are also difficulties in establishing intimacy between you and your parents or other important relatives. If this is the case, it may be necessary to go to a professional institution to confirm whether there is an abnormality in the secretion of neurotransmitters. If you are just lovers, then this part and the high demand for appearance itself may have affected the durability and stability of your body and brain for love – but there are ways to make sure that doesn't happen!

Second, there's absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing external relationships! However, if it affects the quality of your intimate relationship, you can definitely make some adjustments to improve it.

"Everyone loves beauty!" Your concern about appearance affects your attitude towards your wife, and you always hope that your wife can become your ideal type.

But don't worry! You can reduce the impact of appearance on your relationship by focusing on other aspects of your wife's interactions with you.

Think about what first attracted you to the things that made you feel passionate and happy. Which of these things still make your heart sing?

Give yourself and your wife some opportunities to communicate! This is a great way to enhance your understanding of each other in these communications.

I really hope the above sharing can bring you inspiration!

I'm a clinical psychologist who doesn't explore human nature, but I absolutely love and care for the human heart! I wish you all the best!

Good day, question asker.

It seems that your wife's pregnancy and your own feelings towards your wife and marriage have led to feelings of confusion and anxiety about your future, is that right?

Could you please tell me what might have happened to make you feel less passionate about your marriage?

Could you please elaborate on your understanding of true love? It seems that you may have married for the sake of worldly marriage, rather than

Could I ask whether you truly found what you were looking for in a partner and decided to get married?

If this is the case, it is understandable that you have become somewhat detached after marriage, given the significant emotional investment involved.

It is also possible that your wife may have felt a sense of disappointment when it seemed that the situation was irretrievable, and that she may have experienced feelings of self-blame, guilt, and entanglement, which may have made it difficult for her to seek love from you.

The wife's emotional response may have intensified your doubts about your marriage, which could have led to feelings of disappointment and confusion.

Could you please share your thoughts on marriage?

Could you please share your thoughts on marriage?

It would be beneficial for you to consider the following aspects in order to gain a deeper understanding of the underlying causes of your current situation.

If you view your love life through the lens of a fairy tale, seeking a partner in an idealized spiritual realm, it's possible that you may find yourself falling short of expectations when entering into marriage.

You have a tendency to believe that marrying any pretty girl will disappoint you.

The renowned Taiwanese writer Li Ao had a strong interest in the talented writer and actress Hu Yimeng. In order to pursue a relationship with her, he went through the process of getting a divorce.

Once married to Hu Yimeng, he felt he had won the fairy. One day, he found her turning red with embarrassment when she had a bowel movement because she was constipated.

He felt hurt and chose to divorce Hu Yimeng rather quickly.

If there is a subconscious inability to accept marriage

If you have not yet had the opportunity to gain a firm understanding of marriage due to the influence of your original family, and have not yet formed a stable view of marriage,

It may be the case that you lack a sufficient sense of security internally, which could result in feelings of anxiety when entering into marriage.

Anxiety can sometimes manifest as a lack of warmth and attention towards one's partner. This behavior may be perceived as a form of covert aggression.

This behavior may allow you to maintain a certain distance from the idea of marriage.

It might also be the case that the subconscious dynamic could be explained by a fear of intimacy.

It could be suggested that if a person has an ambivalent attachment pattern, then their relationship with their partner in marriage

This could potentially result in some strong conflicts and ambivalence, with a desire for intimacy on the one hand and a fear of being abandoned on the other.

It is possible that this may result in the other person being pushed away at an early stage.

Could the purpose of finding true love be to find the perfect "mother"?

If you were raised by your parents in a foster home or with multiple caregivers,

I would like to take this opportunity to explain that, due to the limitations of the data involved, the above analysis is for reference only.

I am Consultant Yao, and I will continue to support and care for you to the best of my abilities.

Good morning, My name is Jiang 61, and I am your case manager.

Thank you for placing your trust in us and for sharing your situation. We are pleased to inform you that we have been able to resolve your problem. You have asked, "At 39, I'm very confused about marriage, children, and the future."

"After a thorough review of your description, I have identified potential issues in the management of your marriage. Let's analyze these issues further.

1. The issue

I am 39 years old. My wife became pregnant two weeks ago, but I am experiencing difficulty in maintaining a positive outlook. Instead, I am experiencing feelings of confusion, anxiety, and resistance, accompanied by a sense of powerlessness.

1. Anxiety and Resistance

You exhibit clear signs of distress when discussing marriage, children, or your wife. This indicates a high level of pressure, which is likely the root cause of your emotional state.

Anxiety indicates an uncertainty about the future. Resistance implies a lack of optimism about the marriage itself.

Please clarify what you are anxious about and what you are resisting.

2. Attachment

Please indicate your attachment type.

My wife and I enjoyed a highly passionate and happy relationship in the early months. However, as the passion faded, I was unable to identify the underlying feelings of love. Despite my initial hesitation, I ultimately decided to marry her due to the urging of my wife and her family, and because my wife's overall condition remained satisfactory.

From your description, it appears that you initially hoped for a romantic marriage, resulting in a period of intense passion. However, after this initial phase, you seem to have lost interest in your spouse. This suggests that your attachment relationship is with an avoidant attachment type person.

Your decision to marry was not based on your own volition, but rather on the influence of your parents and your wife.

The following are characteristics of individuals with avoidant attachment styles:

Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often exhibit a tendency to fear intimacy and distrust others. They tend to withdraw before a relationship can evolve in a positive direction, display suspicion and aloofness towards romantic interest, and perceive others as unreliable or overly eager to make commitments.

In essence, they are avoiding and rejecting intimacy. Your relationship with your wife serves as a clear example of this dynamic. Initially, you demonstrated interest in the relationship, but as it progressed, you began to avoid deepening it.

My wife's attachment style

However, after marriage, my wife often expressed her displeasure due to my detached behavior, scolding, and even threatening with a knife. This left a lasting impression on me, and I was even reluctant to share my true feelings. Over time, whenever I returned home, I felt uneasy. My wife had mentioned divorce, and although I wanted to end the marriage, I was unable to make up my mind due to uncertainty about the future.

Your wife was displeased with your lack of interest and reacted strongly, expressing her displeasure and even threatening you with a knife. Unable to tolerate your cold treatment, your wife proposed a divorce. Your wife belongs to the anxious attachment type.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to invest a significant level of emotional intensity in their relationships. However, they often encounter resistance from their partners, particularly with regard to the level of intimacy they desire. This can lead to feelings of unease and a sense of potential loss, as they perceive the relationship to be at risk of dissolution at any given moment.

There is also a concern that their partner may not value them as highly as they value the other person.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to exhibit high levels of suspicion, sensitivity, and vigilance in intimate relationships. They frequently observe and analyze the behavior of their partners, concerned that an unstable relationship may have a detrimental impact on the marriage. In this particular case, the anxious wife pursues the relationship while the avoidant husband tends to withdraw. This pattern of chasing and running away creates discomfort for both parties. The wife finds this pattern untenable and ultimately decides to end the relationship.

This is the current pattern of your relationship with your wife, and this pattern of relationship is also determined by your attachment relationship pattern. It should be noted that in this pattern, neither party is at fault.

This indicates that there is room for improvement in your ability to manage your relationship and navigate the challenges of marriage. It is evident that you require further learning and adaptation to enhance your skills in this area.

2. Marriage Management

1. Relationship Standards

I feel that I care a great deal about appearance, and I become overly invested in this aspect of my wife's life because her appearance does not align with my expectations. I consistently hope that my wife can become the ideal version of herself.

Your ideal of love is a beautiful wife who will be your companion for life. It is your hope that your wife will meet these expectations.

However, it is important to recognise that everyone has their own habits and hobbies, and it is not always feasible to change these to align with a specific ideal. Mr. Huang Zhizhong, a renowned Taiwanese psychologist, debate expert, and professor, once stated: "No one wants to be changed."

In other words, your hope is likely to be an unfeasible aspiration that is at odds with the realities of daily life.

2. Results

In retrospect, I have been unable to identify a genuine, long-lasting romantic connection in any of my previous relationships. These relationships have gradually lost their initial passion and intensity.

Attachment is a key determining factor.

The situation you describe is a result of differences in attachment, feelings, interests in life, and values between you and the person you are in love with, which makes it challenging to find a compatible partner.

Insufficient management of the marriage.

Marriage is a significant undertaking, yet you have taken the decision to proceed without sufficient preparation. Given your decision to cohabitate, it is essential that you adopt a more structured approach to managing your marriage.

People from different family life environments must adapt and adjust to each other when living together. Despite this, you do not have the mindset to manage your marriage. You do not pay attention to each other's needs, meet each other's needs, adapt to each other's habits, or manage your marriage well.

Instead, you are insisting on having your own way and forcing others to follow your habits, which is causing a rift and resulting in all kinds of conflicts. This is the result of your lack of management and adjustment of the marriage.

Excessive expectations

Furthermore, there is the tendency to expect others to conform to one's own expectations and behaviours, which can lead to frustration and discomfort for those involved. It is important to recognise that others have their own thoughts and preferences, and that they are unlikely to change to align with our expectations. This is an inherent aspect of interpersonal dynamics.

This is also the reason why it is challenging to find the ideal romantic partner.

3. Implement changes

I am concerned that I may be perceived as selfish. I am unsure of the reasons behind this. My objective is to become a normal person, experience love, resolve my current issues, and achieve happiness.

1. Praiseworthy

You are, in fact, a self-centered individual who is preoccupied with your own desires and concerns, rather than considering your partner's feelings and needs. As a result, you have inadvertently undermined the stability and quality of your relationship.

Fortunately, you possess the qualities of self-awareness, critical thinking, and a willingness to learn and adapt, which are highly commendable.

2. Make the necessary changes to yourself.

It is within your power to effect change. Through learning, you can gain insight into your own personality and attachment patterns, and implement changes in your mode of getting along with others.

It would be beneficial to alter the unrealistic ideals and pursuits.

It is important to return to reality, adjust your expectations of your wife to be more realistic and in line with her current state, and accept the reality of your wife's situation. If you are to succeed in making changes, it is essential to understand that it is not your wife who needs to change, but rather your own expectations and behaviours.

Modify the attachment type.

It is possible to change the type of attachment, and your attachment type is also moving closer to the secure attachment model.

Individuals with secure attachment styles are emotionally open to others. They are comfortable in situations where they are dependent on others or are dependent on others.

Furthermore, they are not concerned with being alone or being rejected. This type of person is receptive to romantic relationships. Once they enter into an intimate relationship, they are fully committed and derive enjoyment from the relationship. When the relationship ends, they are able to end it frankly and move on.

In terms of your attachment relationship, the changes you have made are as follows: 1. You have become more trusting and reliable, making your wife feel valuable, trustworthy, and at ease in your relationship. 2. You have taken steps to understand your wife's personality and attachment patterns, and have made adjustments to provide her with the support she needs.

It is important to ensure that your wife feels cared for and loved, and that she can relax and feel secure in your relationship. When she feels secure, she is less likely to engage in negative behaviour such as making unrealistic demands or threatening to leave the marriage.

3. Manage your marriage effectively.

It is important to pay attention to your own needs.

It is essential to identify and prioritize your own needs. This will enable you to progress towards a secure attachment style. Only when you value yourself, meet your own needs, and practice self-love will you be able to love others effectively.

Individuals with avoidant attachment styles require personal time and space. It is essential to allocate time for personal pursuits and to disengage from concerns that may impede progress. During the remaining time, it is crucial to prioritize the marriage.

It is important to pay attention to others.

It is important to pay attention to others, particularly your wife's needs and the language of love. Everyone has a language of love, which is conveyed by the other person and experienced by the recipient. This language of love is a key factor in fostering positive feelings, passion, and mutual respect in a relationship, which are essential for a happy marriage.

It is important to improve relationships.

Utilize verbal and non-verbal expressions of love to enhance relationships. The "language of love," as it is also known, can foster greater intimacy and improve the quality of marriages.

It is important to note that everyone understands love differently, and the way they express and receive love is likely to be different. Dr. Gary Chapman has developed a framework for understanding these differences, categorizing the way people express and receive love into five "languages of love": "affirming words," "quality time," "exchange of gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words are an essential component of any successful business relationship.

It is important to note that individuals in any relationship, whether friends, colleagues, partners, or spouses, require positive reinforcement and affirmation to maintain a healthy emotional connection.

A moment of care

The term "moments of intimacy" refers to the special moments and memories shared by both parties, such as a candlelit dinner or a meaningful activity together.

Accept gifts in a gracious manner.

The exchange of gifts on significant holidays is a deeply ritualistic practice. This ritual, along with the gift itself, serves as a powerful bond between two individuals.

Service actions

In short, act in accordance with the other person's wishes and strive to enhance their happiness through the services you provide. Such actions often involve minor details in the larger scheme of things.

It is recommended that physical contact be used when appropriate.

Physical contact, such as holding hands or hugging, can enhance feelings of affection and serve as a form of non-verbal communication.

The language of love has the potential to transform intimate relationships, enabling two individuals with disparate lifestyles and misaligned actions to become soulmates and achieve a harmonious marriage.

This is the extent of my advice, which I hope will be of some assistance to you.

I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy outcome.

You're right. I keep repeating the same mistakes. I get disheartened by the other person's shortcomings and can't find a deeper emotional connection. You mentioned childhood or growing up. I didn't encounter bad treatment as a child.

How can I find one and solve this problem?

Thank you for your reply. It's a kind gesture and a driving force for me to help others and myself on Yi Xinli!

I don't know your upbringing, so I'm just guessing based on my experience. It might not be exactly what you're going through!

Sometimes what a person hides in the subconscious cannot be captured by conscious-level memory alone. It may have to be revealed by relying on professional methods (for example, hypnosis, sandplay, the room-tree-person diagram). I don't know if you and I agree on what is good and bad.

Your question involves many aspects, such as cognition, emotions, behavior, and communication. It's a systemic problem, and it's difficult to rely on asking questions here to be effective. You need systematic psychological counseling.

I suggest you find a professional counselor for one-on-one counseling. If possible, bring your wife. I know some counselors in Chengdu. I can recommend them to you.

I respect your wishes and won't insist!

Hello, thank you for letting me answer your question. Before we get into it, if you don't mind, I'd like to give you a big hug to show you some warmth and support.

From what you've told me, it seems like you have some mixed feelings about your marriage and some confusion in your relationship with your wife. As you said, "My wife and I were very passionate and happy in the first few months of our relationship."

When the passion faded, I couldn't find the feeling of love. My wife and family urged me to marry her anyway, even though I was hesitant. It seems like you're still figuring out what love is, or that there's more than one answer.

I also read that you said, "I care a lot about appearance, and I get tangled up when my wife's appearance doesn't meet my ideals. I always hope that my wife can become the way I want her to be." This seems to indicate that there are certain specific things that you are not willing to accept the current situation.

All of these problems have caused you distress and even made you doubt yourself. As you said, "I feel like a selfish scumbag," and you "really hope that you can be a normal person, find the feeling of love, solve the problems you have now, and be happy."

I'm not sure what you mean by "normal people." It's only natural to hope for a more satisfying life. You want your wife to be more beautiful and for your relationship with her to be more passionate, and there's nothing wrong with having these thoughts. If you want to "cheer yourself up" without being able to change some objectively existing things, perhaps you can start by adjusting your expectations of your goals and make some changes to see if it can help you slowly become happy.

This is just my personal opinion, for reference only. Take care of yourself!

In light of the aforementioned, it can be surmised that, at a fundamental level, your current state of mind remains that of a minor.

These include avoidance, shirking, relinquishment of one's right to choose to another, and a lack of understanding of the nature of love.

It is my assessment that your primary challenge is your difficulty in forming deep and meaningful relationships with those in your immediate circle. However, when there is a mutual understanding, acceptance, gratitude, and a willingness to give of oneself, the experience is markedly different. It is important to recognize that the pursuit of physical beauty should not be an overarching concern, particularly in the context of marriage and parenthood.

Secondly, it can be argued that you lack the requisite courage. As an adult, you are entitled to make your own choices and to accept the consequences of your actions. While others may exert pressure to marry, the ultimate decision rests with you. Failure to assert your preferences is a personal shortcoming. Secondly, it is unclear whether the decision to have a child is being made by you or is being forced upon you by others. The decision to marry and have a child is a natural one. It would seem more prudent to focus on preparing for the birth of the child.

You have observed your own selfish and evasive tendencies. It is my hope that you will henceforth become a mature individual, taking the initiative in your own life. You are no longer constrained by the disciplinary and controlling influence of your parents. You possess the capacity to love and accept your wife in the present moment. You are grateful for her unwavering commitment to you. When she is screaming and yelling, crying out for help, "I need your tolerance and love," you will not perceive this as a criticism, but rather as a plea for assistance. You will embrace her and offer words of comfort. Concurrently, you are also anticipating the arrival of the infant, who will be the continuation of your life. You will see the reflection of yourself or your wife in him. You will address the shortcomings of your childhood as a result of his presence. You will mature with him and develop internally.

Once an individual is able to recognize their own problems, it constitutes a significant stride to seek counsel. The subsequent stage is to embrace the past, accept oneself, express gratitude for the present, confront challenges rather than evading them, and substitute indifference with gratitude.

Furthermore, it is hoped that, given the opportunity to discuss these issues here, you have had the chance to communicate with your wife. It is assumed that she is the person closest to you, and that your vulnerability and confusion should be faced with each other. Once you have been accepted by each other, it is believed that your relationship will be elevated, and that you will come to feel that, despite her lack of physical beauty, she is the person you love the most.

Moreover, it would be beneficial to read additional psychology books and listen to the audio lessons of Wu Zhihong, which will facilitate a deeper understanding of oneself.

It is my sincere hope that these suggestions will prove beneficial.

Hi, I'm Gentle Sky. When I read your headline, I could sense your pain and your need for understanding and strength.

If you read the text more carefully, you'll see that you're feeling anxious, confused, and self-blaming in your marriage. You're even starting to worry about your mental health and have doubts and negative thoughts about yourself.

It's not unusual for married people to feel a bit disappointed in their marriage, and it's also normal for unmarried people to be afraid of marriage. We all have idealistic aspirations for a partner to spend our lives with, hoping that we can find the precious true love of mankind.

If you're wondering whether you're sick, you can go to the hospital to see if you have a mood disorder or mood disease based on your physical condition. Things like whether you can rest and eat normally, whether your mood is constantly low, and whether it's difficult to adjust on your own for more than two weeks should be taken into account. If you find that you need treatment or psychological counseling, you can get that.

[Let's take a look at what's causing your pain and confusion]

1. You're a little disappointed in married life. You don't feel as loved in your marriage as you'd like, and you're not happy about the birth of your child, which should have been a joyful event.

You've been married for a while, but you feel like the spark has gone a bit. Having kids hasn't made you any happier, and it's actually caused you some anxiety and resistance.

These feelings are real. You're starting to lose confidence in your marriage and have less hope for the future. How long have these feelings been going on?

You may have been disappointed in your marriage for some time, perhaps without even realizing it. It's possible that you haven't been able to communicate or resolve your feelings, which has made it difficult to see a way forward.

2. You're a little disappointed with your partner. You can't stand your wife's bad temper, and you're scared and unable to communicate.

I'm not completely satisfied with my wife's appearance, and I hope she can come closer to my requirements.

I'm curious about how long you've been married. It seems like you've become a bit disappointed with your wife, thinking that she has a bad temper and is scary, which makes you reluctant to get close to her.

You said she was angry because she felt you were indifferent. Have you considered that your wife might also feel a bit disappointed in you, as though you don't love and care for her as much as you used to?

If we have some psychological knowledge, we can feel that underneath the anger there is a heart that needs love and warmth. She is crying out to you, "Why did you treat her like that? She is so sad and upset that she already kind of hates you."

"

You said you hope your wife is prettier, which is understandable. Who doesn't want the person by their side to be beautiful? Some women may pay less attention to dressing up after getting married, thinking that they know each other well and don't need beauty to please you.

Or maybe you've dressed up, but she hasn't acknowledged it. You don't care if she's pretty or not, so you don't bother dressing up. Have you mentioned this to her?

Or have you expressed it in a tactful way? Or is it just that we all love beauty, and people who have been together for a long time can become a bit visually tired?

3. I'm a little bummed out. It seems tough to keep the spark alive in a relationship, and it's challenging to find that special someone.

You said that all your previous relationships have gone from passion to monotony, that true love is hard to find, and that your problem is something many people have. Why don't more people believe in love? We all hope that our relationships will always remain as beautiful as they were at the beginning, but reality tends to disappoint us.

Biological love is a kind of interpersonal attraction and a kind of dopamine secretion. It can be passionate or fade away. This is a romantic view of love. What is true love in your heart?

Everyone's got a different take on this. Passionate love might just be a feeling, with physical and imaginative components, and not very real.

A truly satisfying relationship may come from spending time together. The kind of genuine affection that comes from getting to know each other, cherishing each other, treating each other with sincerity, and sharing good times and bad together is something that is paid for and maintained through experience. It is sincere because you understand, and it is real because of the experience.

[The above is my analysis of your situation. Please forgive me if it's not quite right. Let's look at what we can do to tackle these problems.

1. Disappointment in marriage.

Marriage needs love, but it can't be based solely on love, especially not on passion and impulse alone. You can't approach marriage with a romantic view of love. Love in marriage is more about companionship, and it may involve a good friendship based on mutual respect, support, and appreciation, and a partnership in which you like working with each other.

If you trust each other, it's best to communicate about the parts that make you uncomfortable or choose the right parts to test the other person's attitude. This requires a little interpersonal interaction ability. Just as with friends, if you want to make up after a conflict, you also have to find a way to reconcile.

No marriage is perfect, but only a marriage that you're willing to put in the work will lead to a happy, satisfying relationship.

If you want your marriage to last longer, be happier, have more affection, and have a more complex emotional component, you also need the material conditions to support your life.

Take trust, for instance. You might need to experience things together to build a rock-solid trust. You'll want to feel dependent and attached to each other, and you'll need to believe that your partner will never leave you. You'll also want to work together to find ways to communicate and solve problems.

For instance, it's helpful to try to understand each other better. This means understanding each other's perspectives and supporting each other when things happen.

When one person is unhappy and the relationship is uncomfortable, they are willing to communicate and improve together, without blaming each other and damaging the relationship.

For instance, both partners understand that passion will fade and aren't fixated on the feeling of love. They're willing to live together, support each other, and develop together. Their relationship is partly like-minded and partly collaborative, not maintained for that one passion.

If there are problems in the marriage, they'll adjust with a positive attitude to improve the situation, find the cause, and solve the problem peacefully. Basically, all relationships face difficulties, and marriage is even more difficult because the time spent together is longer, expectations are higher, and it depends on how much the couple cherishes and maintains their relationship.

2. Disappointment in a partner.

Many couples have conflicts and even find it impossible to live together. One of the reasons, as some articles have pointed out, is that one partner can't meet the other's expectations.

A long-lasting marriage requires both partners to work together.

Marriage is a way of life. A loving marriage is probably about adapting to life together with your loved one, taking responsibility for the necessities of life, caring for the elderly and raising children, maintaining relationships with others, household chores, etc. Then we really need to think about how to do the right thing and satisfy the other person, and we also need to share and encourage each other through communication. Growing at different paces and having different needs can easily lead to dissatisfaction and disappointment, which can damage the relationship.

How to be a good wife is something the husband needs to learn too. For example, the wife needs to learn how to manage the household, take care of her responsibilities, care for her husband, and not demand that he love her as much as he used to.

The husband also needs to pitch in and help out, give his wife a pat on the back for a job well done, and show her some love and support while also offering constructive criticism when needed. Both parties need to be willing to put in the work to keep the relationship strong, learn how to regulate their emotions, and have a certain ability to tolerate and understand each other. This can lead to a more harmonious relationship and reduce the disappointment in marriage.

You also need to work on your desire for your wife to be more beautiful. Everyone appreciates beauty.

It's important for the wife to understand you, know your needs, and dress up for you to show her affection. The husband also needs to understand his wife, communicate well, accept her imperfections, and appreciate the changes she's made for you.

Try to understand and be tolerant so you can feel each other's love.

If that doesn't work, you can also learn from Fu Seoul, who said that watching a Korean drama is like getting a new husband, which is not cheating and does not affect our spousal relationship. It's also a good idea to appreciate beautiful women and satisfy yourself by watching films and TV shows, images, etc., and enjoy a visual feast.

What do you think?

3. You're disappointed in yourself.

You mentioned that your relationships have always gone from passion to boredom. There's nothing wrong with that. Passion fades, and it's a kind of attraction. It's a kind of passionate emotion produced by the secretion of dopamine in the brain. This is true for everyone, so it's not your fault.

We need to improve our understanding of love and marriage. You can learn on your own, or you can understand your feelings and needs in marriage through psychological counseling. Recognizing human nature, human limitations and needs, and the complexity of marriage and relationships will also prevent you from having too much self-doubt.

I'd also suggest reading "20 Lectures on Life's Confusions," "Communicating with Love," "The Power of Self-Growth," and "Practical Tips for a Happy Marriage."

I hope I can give you a little inspiration and help you find your way. Making changes isn't easy, so I hope you have an extra portion of exploration, patience, and confidence.

Hello, landlord. I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

It's a fact of life that romantic relationships cool from passion over time. This is determined by the law of love development. If we want to pursue the kind of love that is always passionate, it is actually not in line with the law of love development. This can lead to feelings of being unable to find true love, which is a problem that many young people in our modern world face. What you don't know is that the early stages of love are very emotional, and the later stages of love development require us to manage and maintain them. It is really very difficult to maintain a long-term, stable intimate relationship just by relying on "love".

From a psychological standpoint, complete love is made up of three parts: passion, intimacy, and commitment. All three are essential, but the proportion of each varies from person to person. This difference reflects our unique views on love. Some people value passion more, some value intimacy more, and some value commitment more. There is no right or wrong, just different.

When we fall in love with someone who isn't related to us by blood, we want to treat her well, give her the best, worry about her, and worry for her. The person we fall in love with is not just anyone; they're a god-like being.

At this stage, you'll experience the initial passion of love. You'll be infatuated with each other, think the other person is perfect, and want to be with them all the time. There's a subtle feeling between you, and it's a very beautiful feeling.

Love is such a great feeling.

As you get to know each other better, you'll start to see the real person behind the facade.

This feeling has a kind of hazy beauty to it, something you can't quite put your finger on, but it's also pretty special.

But as you get to know this person better, the mystery and haze will gradually disappear, as will your feelings.

Over time, your passion for her will fade, and she'll no longer seem so perfect and mysterious. You might even find yourself asking,

I don't know how I could have fallen for someone like that in the first place. Now that I've seen her, I just don't like all her flaws.

It's interesting how when you're in love, you think the other person is the perfect person in the world. But after the initial excitement fades, especially after marriage, you often find them a bit boring.

As I mentioned earlier, this is related to the law of love development. When it comes to love, we often imagine the other person is perfect before we fully understand them. This is a form of mental self-satisfaction.

When we're in love, we're actually living in a state of self-illusion.

It's natural to admire someone from a distance. We tend to fill in the gaps with the good things about them. But then, when you really get to know them and see what their lives are like, you may find that they have flaws—some of which you may find intolerable. Over time, your admiration may fade.

If you want your love to last, you have to accept that it won't always feel this good. Once you're in each other's lives, this feeling will gradually fade away.

Be ready to accept the other person's shortcomings and imperfections. You'll only get ahead by accepting the ordinary and some imperfections.

It's also important to understand the laws of love development, be aware of them, follow them, and manage our love well.

1. The passionate phase.

Context:

The passionate period is the first stage of intimacy and also the period when it is most likely to lead to a marriage of convenience. During this period, we tend to see only the good in the other person, and we ourselves are also motivated to temporarily pretend to be the ideal lover in the other person's eyes. We like each other no matter what we see, but this feeling of goodness is due to the fact that

The passionate period is the first stage of intimacy and it's also the period when it's most likely to lead to a marriage of convenience. During this period, we tend to see only the good in the other person, and we're also motivated to temporarily pretend to be the ideal lover in the other person's eyes. We like each other no matter what we see, but this feeling of happiness is only possible because of dopamine, and it can only last for three to six months, or at most a year. So the beautiful feelings of this stage only exist for a short time, and they're not enough to support a lasting and beautiful marriage. After that, intimacy will enter a period of adjustment.

2. The adjustment period.

2. The period of adjustment.

The friction period, or conflict stage of intimacy development, is when all the emotional problems come to the surface. Passion has faded, and we're seeing the flaws in each other's bodies. Our idea of love is up against the cold, hard reality. The other person has changed from who we like to who we don't like, so intimacy is challenged.

It's also during this period that people tend to spend more time on their own, rather than relying on each other as much as they did before.

You've shown your respective weaknesses. If you think these issues are unresolvable and you want to change the other person, and they want you to change for them, it's easy to create conflict and contradictions, which could even lead to a breakup.

You've shown your respective weaknesses. If you think these issues are unresolvable and you want to change the other person, and they want you to change for them, it's easy to create conflict and contradictions, which could even lead to a breakup.

That's why the period of adjustment is often the toughest part of the love journey.

3. A period of reflection.

Once a relationship has made it through the trial period, it's likely to enter the introspection period. This is when couples start to think about themselves and their own problems. They start to look for the cause in themselves, and think about things like what their internal pattern is really like, what kind of responsibility they should take in intimate relationships and conflicts, and whether there is any possibility of change in the future. This is the most critical period for growth and relationship rebuilding.

4. Enlightenment period.

This stage is also called the enlightenment stage, where the two partners start to connect with each other spiritually. In this stage, we finally learn to embrace each other with love, and the other person is also willing to fully accept their own childhood shadows and embrace their inner child. As a result, the intimate relationship enters a higher and deeper stage, which is the state of deep intimacy we're talking about.

Of course, not many relationships can reach this stage, and it's not easy, but this is the direction we and our partners need to work and move forward together.

Love is wonderful and pure, but intimacy needs to be nurtured and managed. There are three important factors in intimacy: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Passion is what ignites a connection with the other person. It's the sexual aspect of love and an emotional draw.

How you look and your inner charm can affect how passionate you are.

Your wife isn't in the mood to do anything because she has a stomachache and is low on energy. Then a phone call comes in, and when she realizes it's from you, her husband, she instantly feels like a shot of adrenaline.

You'll see that your wife's mood has shifted from bored to happy, and that's down to passion.

Closeness is that warm feeling you get in a romantic relationship. It's about liking each other for who you are, appreciating your partner, wanting to care for them, and being able to express yourself and communicate with them on a deeper level.

When you have something on your mind, you can talk about it with your partner. They won't accuse or criticize you, but accept and support you unconditionally. When you feel that there is a need that has not been met, you tell your partner what your need is, and your partner is willing to try their best to meet your need. This is intimacy.

Commitment is about making a decision to stick with a relationship, what you expect from it, and what you say you'll do for each other. It's the most logical part of love. When you're committed to a relationship, you feel safe and you both have the same expectations.

You have principles in your relationship that you need to stick to, and you have shared expectations for the future. You plan to go on trips together, go to the movies, go out to dinner, and participate in a public welfare activity.

If you're committed, you'll feel secure in the relationship. You'll also feel responsible for making things better after an argument. You'll want to find out what caused the conflict and come up with some fun things to do on ordinary days.

Finally, I want to say that you and your wife actually have passion. You now need to strengthen the intimacy and commitment part, rediscover your initial passion, and protect your love through mutual support, mutual appreciation, and doing beautiful things together in life. And looking for another passion will not solve the problem, because it will put you in a cycle. Every relationship will not just stay in the passion period; it will enter the next stage.

So, the key is learning how to get along with your wife and manage your relationship to reap the rewards of a stable relationship and spend a long and happy life with her.

Wishing you the best!

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan.

The questioner feels his emotions become cold and dull in a lover's relationship with his wife. There is no passion when they are together. The questioner seems to want the relationship to remain in a state of first love forever. It seems that the questioner is not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. The questioner enjoys being the focus of attention in a relationship.

The questioner is also reflecting on himself. He feels selfish and cannot change his mindset. Is it because his childhood was hurt by his original family?

The questioner often feels watched. He also doesn't know how to run his household or manage his marriage.

Why did the questioner stay with his current wife? Did he think she was a good person? Did he think they would get along after marriage? Is the current situation between them the result of his choice?

The questioner needs to think about many things. It is up to him to decide if he wants to save the marriage. I can only give him some ideas. I hope he can improve the marriage.

Why do you notice your own indifference?

Why does the questioner treat his wife this way? Why does he think this way?

Who set the limits for the questioner?

Did the elders' ideas about communication between husband and wife make the questioner think that marriage should be dull? These ideas also affected the way he raised his family.

When this pattern is in your heart, it affects your family. Elders may think emotional needs are not allowed, and they may feel more responsible for the family. This makes the questioner resist this family pattern. The questioner can become aware of this.

This model may have been true in the past, when people's needs were basic and their emotional needs were ignored. Now that we don't worry about survival, has this pattern become deeply ingrained?

To manage a marriage, you need passion between you and your wife. Talk to her about your feelings.

Talk to each other.

If we don't get enough affection when we're young, we want more when we grow up. Is the questioner looking for a relationship that will make them more energetic and get more attention and love?

The questioner must talk to his wife to improve their relationship. When the questioner talks to his wife about their marriage, he must remember:

Admit your mistakes. Refusing to communicate will only make things worse.

The questioner can express their feelings towards their wife. You can say, "We all know that no one is perfect. I hope that even though we are married, we should still enjoy love, not just live a dull life." Have the courage to admit your mistakes to your wife. You are also in the process of making changes, and you are asking your wife to work with you to manage your marriage.

Get help from a therapist.

If you and your wife don't communicate well, you can seek help from a professional. The questioner is indifferent in their intimate relationship. They confide in the counselor about their reasons. What advice would the marriage counselor give about the marriage afterwards?

Ask your wife if she's willing to make changes to save the marriage. Ask if she'll see a marriage counselor.

Ask your wife if she still loves you and if she's willing to make sacrifices to improve your relationship.

Let's argue.

Even loving couples argue. They argue because they have different opinions. Love is the foundation of a couple's union. When two people first meet, they think from each other's perspective. But after marriage, they think less from each other's perspective.

To save the marriage, you have to think from your partner's perspective. Learn to argue effectively.

Bring up what happened before marriage and why your wife was attractive to the questioner. Know that there is no "win-win" when arguing with your wife.

Don't attack people when you communicate. Attacking someone's character is wrong.

Sometimes a characteristic needs to be criticized. But too often it feels like mockery and leads to more attacks.

Both people are responsible for the marriage.

Marriage is a choice made by two people. If you compare marriage to a company, the results are obvious.

The questioner is also partly responsible for the direction of the marriage. I suggest that the questioner communicate with his wife and seek her forgiveness.

Admit your mistakes to your wife. This shows you want to improve the relationship. If your wife doesn't think about things enough, and you only think about things from your perspective, that's not good. Work together to solve this problem.

A good marriage requires that the husband and wife share the same goals and communicate honestly. Avoiding problems is not good for a marriage. The questioner should talk to his wife and share his thoughts with her. If he can get his wife's support, his marriage will be happy.

I hope this helps the questioner.

Hello!

After reading your question, I'd like to talk to you about the following three aspects so that you can understand your inner world, your emotional needs, find the root cause, and improve it psychologically.

1. What's the root of the confusion?

2. How can you tell if it's true love?

3. What exactly is a scumbag?

I'll go over each of these one by one.

The root of the confusion is that you can't seem to focus on the present.

There's nothing in the present that really grabs your attention.

At some point, you might be able to hold your gaze for a short while, but once the novelty wears off, you'll probably want to leave.

It's like you're always searching for something, that safe place you can call home, or that feeling of total peace.

If something or someone has to stop you in your tracks and put a full stop to it, it will break the idea of ceaseless searching and the hope of always finding it.

This is how I interpret your words:

I'm not happy about my wife being pregnant. I feel confused, anxious, and resistant, and I have this strange sense of powerlessness.

True love is really about transferring and subconsciously working through the parent-child attachment.

If you're a man, the quality of your romantic relationships will depend on how you related to your mother when you were a child.

A good mother will give her child that warm, comforting feeling of being held in her arms.

In his mother's arms, the child feels safe, happy, important, and content.

If a child doesn't get this feeling, they'll look for a perfect mother.

Later in life, he'll keep looking for this perfect mother figure.

My wife and I were head over heels for each other at the start of our relationship. When the initial spark faded, I couldn't seem to find the same feeling of love.

If you think back, you'll see that all of your relationships have gradually cooled from passion. You've been unable to find true love.

I think these two sentences can help us understand the issue.

In the early stages of a relationship, it's natural for both parties to not fully understand each other. With their own expectations of a beautiful love, both sides unconsciously present their best sides because they are in a good mood, so the passion can be maintained for a period of time.

After getting to know someone better, you realize they're not what you thought they'd be, so the passion fades and you move on.

3. The essence of a scumbag is the desire and pursuit of true love.

I feel like I'm a selfish person. I don't know why I am like this. I really hope I can be a normal person, find the feeling of love, solve my current problems, and be happy.

You've called yourself a selfish scumbag, so it's clear you don't want to be like that, right?

However, you're only focused on your own performance and haven't yet discovered your true inner desires.

The reason you don't want to stop is because you haven't found that other half that makes you feel at home.

The ideal partner you've been looking for so long, who will love, care for, and be understanding and considerate of you, just like the perfect mother.

You might meet a woman like this, who could help you to settle down.

You can't seem to settle down with your current wife. You often lose your temper with her, scolding and threatening her. It's not unrelated to the fact that you seem to be repeating patterns from your past.

Once you understand the above points, you'll see that you're not a bad person, just traumatized.

If you can heal the wounds in your heart, the problem will be solved.

You might need to work through this in your relationship with your mother.

You might want to think about seeking professional psychological help.

Your trauma might come back at any time after your wife becomes pregnant and during the course of your future child-rearing.

If you don't heal your wounds, your relationship with your wife will affect your children.

So, the only way to make yourself happy, feel loved, and have a good intimate relationship—and give the next generation a warm home—is to actively solve your psychological problems.

What you really need is professional help to give you different ways of doing things that will make you want to do them.

If you want your love to come back, you've got to find a way to deal with your emotions.

The above response is meant to offer a different perspective.

I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. Best wishes to you!

Each individual serves as a beacon, whether posing inquiries or responding to them. Through the use of language, we have the capacity to enlighten the hearts of numerous individuals, a power that is inherent to us all.

Greetings. I am a heart exploration coach, and I perceive your trepidation and evasiveness. Confronting the reality of marriage, family, and the imminent birth of a child, particularly within the context of intimate relationships, presents a significant challenge.

It appears that "escape" has become a pattern and defense mechanism for you.

Let us examine the issue in question.

1. Identifying patterns in intimate relationships and examining their origins in familial relationships

We all have our own patterns, such as behavioral patterns, which we bring into our relationships with others. As you stated, your relationship with your partner, as well as your previous relationships, has followed the pattern of "from passion to indifference."

Often, our actions are driven by the prospect of personal gain. However, when we reflect on our relationships, from passionate to indifferent, we may identify a particular "sweet taste" that we experienced.

These patterns have, to some extent, served a protective function in the past, and modifying them represents a significant challenge. It is therefore essential to maintain a state of "awareness." When one identifies these patterns in oneself, the opportunity arises to exercise choice and to effect change.

Our interpersonal relationships are, in fact, a reflection of our internal familial dynamics. During our formative years, our emotional bond with our parents was also reflected in our romantic relationships and in our interactions with others.

The transition from passion to indifference bears resemblance to a form of escape. Could this be driven by an underlying fear of abandonment or of being hurt?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the underlying motive behind this behaviour is a fear of not being accepted or liked.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the subject has experienced being forcibly separated from or "abandoned" by their parents. Those who have been left behind by their parents may lack a sense of security, and this may also manifest in adulthood as difficulties in intimate relationships.

A deficiency in love and the capacity to form connections with others can manifest as "love incompetence" or "being loved incompetence." When encountering an individual with whom one is attracted or who is attracted to one, one is accustomed to responding with "rejection," "flight," or "aggression."

2. Accurately discern the underlying motives behind your wife's seemingly irrational behavior.

It is essential to address both insecurity and love incompetence. To do so, it is necessary to identify the root cause, which may be found in one's family of origin, one's relationship with one's parents, or one's interactions with them. Once the root cause has been identified, it is then possible to seek professional psychological counseling in order to achieve therapeutic relief. It is important to note that seeking psychological counseling is a very common phenomenon. This is because, just as healthy people also need regular physical examinations, so too do individuals with psychological issues require regular psychological care.

In an intimate relationship, both men and women have psychological needs. Just as a romantic partner, she also desires a sense of security, attention, and care from you. During pregnancy, women are particularly susceptible to mood swings due to hormonal fluctuations.

You are intimately acquainted with the progression of your own emotional state, yet your partner is not. It is therefore unsurprising that she experiences feelings of unease, impatience and nervousness when her needs are not met.

It is imperative that you engage in calm, constructive communication to address your emotions before addressing the matter at hand. It is essential that you be transparent about your concerns.

It would be inaccurate to conclude that you are rejecting her; rather, it seems that you have not yet acquired the skills required to navigate the complexities of an intimate relationship and to confront the challenges that lie ahead.

It would be more beneficial for you to take the initiative to assume responsibility for your actions rather than attributing blame to yourself. Your biological age of 39 does not necessarily correspond with psychological maturity.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information has provided you with a new perspective, a greater number of options, and that you will accept my love for you and the world.

Should you wish to pursue the discussion further, you are invited to click on the "Find a coach" link, which can be found in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will engage with you on a one-to-one basis, communicating and developing our relationship in a personal and direct manner.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and self-effacing, but I'm also confident and assertive.

Change your role when the time is right.

Most relationships in this world are like what you described. When the passion fades, we need to accept the ordinary life. But we did not expect the ordinary days to be so boring, which is why we are so confused about marriage and children.

There's nothing wrong with being single. You can chat with girls you have a slight crush on; you can spend your own money without worries. There's nothing wrong with not having kids. You can spend your own money without worries. But there's a lot to be said for having a family. You always have someone to keep you company, and someone to hold the door open for you when you come home at night. There's a lot to be said for having kids. You can gain a deeper understanding of life.

You see things from multiple perspectives. Look at them from different angles and take control. Your current situation isn't the problem. It's the fact that you haven't yet broken free from the role and lifestyle you previously set for yourself.

Find your place in life.

Once we take on a role and identity in society, we are given corresponding responsibilities, obligations, and rights. This breaks the original inertia and forces us to adjust to find a rhythm that suits our current lives.

As you said in your description, at first you are full of passion, but then you become indifferent. Once the novelty wears off, all that's left is the daily grind. This is the nature of life, and it's something we all go through, no matter who we're with. Since there's no way to change it, we should adjust our state of mind.

Break away from the status quo to build something new. Break away from your preconceptions to adapt to life and experience its wonders. At 39, our thinking solidifies. Step outside to see something different.

Best wishes.

Hello, question asker! From your description, it's clear you're eager to build a happy marriage. It's also evident you've experienced a pattern of intense passion in the early stages, followed by a shift towards a more reserved demeanor. This shift, while challenging, offers an opportunity to navigate the nuances of your relationship. It's natural to feel confused about the future, but with the right tools and mindset, you can navigate these conflicting emotions and emerge stronger than ever.

The good news is that this is a problem that can be solved! It's a common phenomenon, but it doesn't have to be a problem.

But that's not normal! Some people are truly happy in their marriages. We can actually take a look at what marriage really is!

Marriage is different from love. And it's a wonderful, wonderful thing! Love is passionate, and both parties show their best sides to each other.

When you're together, you see only the best in each other! And because you're not living together, there's still a sense of distance, which makes the excitement of being together all the more special!

Marriage is different. It's still about finding a partner to live with you, and it's a journey with lots of ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and not everything is beautiful. But it's also a journey of discovery and growth, and it's all part of the adventure!

And when you live together after getting married, you get to see all sides of each other! You don't just see the good sides, but also all the bad sides in many details of life.

This is a natural process that all marriages go through. If we understand the different stages of marriage and what the nature of marriage is like when we get married, we can accept it naturally and look forward to the exciting next stage!

Otherwise, we may feel that marriage is not that wonderful, or even painful. But there's no need to be indifferent to marriage!

However, the cost of divorce is very high, so many people are stuck in a painful marriage. But there is hope!

So, the questioner said that after marriage, things became cold, which is actually a normal reaction. But here's the good news: the wife did not understand this and then acted in an unusual way, which left a psychological shadow on you.

This is an improper behavior adopted by the wife because she has high expectations for marriage. This is indeed a kind of harm to you. But don't worry! There's plenty you can do to improve the situation.

This approach of the wife is not appropriate, but we can absolutely understand her perspective!

Women often have high expectations for marriage, and it's great that they do! But if there's a big gap after marriage, it can make them angry.

However, her approach is too extreme and has caused you a lot of harm. The good news is that you can fix this! You just need to communicate well with each other, rebuild your psychological foundation, and first heal this trauma. Then, you can learn to establish a correct outlook on marriage by reading books such as "Seven Stages of a Happy Relationship" and "A Happy Marriage."

Both parties can do all of this! They can correctly view the problems in the marriage, have reasonable expectations of each other, use appropriate communication methods to deal with conflicts in the marriage, be able to put themselves in the other person's shoes and try to meet their needs, respect each other, and slowly feel the beauty of marriage.

I really hope this helps with weight loss! I wish the questioner a happy and fulfilling life!

My dear,

Scarcity is the norm, and contentment is the exception. This is the way life is, and it's a great way to live! So when you feel that passion is fleeting, while boredom and dissatisfaction are constant, this feeling is actually quite normal. It's just a matter of opinion how to deal with this feeling, and this is also the dividing line between how to reconcile oneself.

Marriage, children, and the future are all so exciting! What makes you feel confused? The past is history and cannot be changed, and the future has not yet begun, so of course it cannot be determined. But the present is something we can grasp and the only thing we can seize!

So, you might be confused, but that's okay! The future is always changing, and there's so much to look forward to. We can work hard to make our dreams come true, even if we're not sure what the future holds. After all, the best things in life are often found in the most unexpected places!

When they were inseparable, they soon drifted apart. When they were happy together, they suddenly grew old together. Marriage is a beautiful thing! It's not just about an agreement, it's about a man and woman committing to each other. It's a journey, and it's a gamble. But it's also an amazing adventure! Before you start, you have to carefully match and plan. After you've made it official, the best way is to do your best to achieve what you want. Otherwise, it'll be a lose-lose situation. If the person in the house knows that he is a member of the appearance association and is dissatisfied with his spouse's appearance but still gets married, then it may be best to persuade him to get plastic surgery or get a divorce on his own. Otherwise, it's like self-abuse, poisoning your own eyes every day. But hey, that's life!

The great thing about maintaining a marriage is that each partner knows what they can change and what they can't. Usually, what you can change is totally under your control, and what you can't is the other person's.

As for the child, if his arrival makes you feel so powerless, you can take some time to adjust and sort things out. Becoming a qualified father is not something you are born with — it's something you get to experience and enjoy!

For many people, becoming a parent is not only exciting, but also a chance to grow and learn. While it can be challenging to afford the extra expenses and set a good example for your children, it is also an opportunity to embrace new challenges and become a better version of yourself.

Life is an adventure! It's not a smooth path, but more like a winding path or a rugged mountain road. It's already difficult to continue walking, let alone carry a heavy load. But another realm of life is like traveling or breaking through barriers. It is precisely because of all kinds of uncertainties and challenges that the original mediocrity and routine are offset. Day and night, rushing about, family matters, the necessities of life, birth, aging, sickness, and death... The addition of children is precisely expanding the original uncertainty. It may be a positive sum of negative, or it may be an improvement on the good, or it may be pouring oil on the fire. Regardless, life has more roles and content, and it has become more colorful!

The source of confusion lies in your desire to control the uncontrollable. But here's the good news: you can make your life more coherent! All you have to do is adjust yourself and turn your focus back to yourself. Start small and make changes in areas that you can control. When you change yourself, you will find that your surroundings and your future will change because of you!

Dear Question Asker,

There is a commonly held belief that at the age of 40, one will no longer experience confusion. You are currently 39, and will soon be 40. It would be expected that at this age, you would no longer be confused, but at the moment, you appear to be lost, helpless, and powerless.

Given your nearly forty years of age, the arrival of a baby should be a particularly happy event. However, you are hesitant and unable to experience happiness. I am unsure how to proceed. Your situation seems challenging. It appears that you are unable to withdraw from the situation, which is causing you distress. I will provide another hug.

Fortunately, you have a deep awareness of yourself and have come here for help. It is evident that you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and your analysis is well-reasoned. I commend you for your awareness!

What steps should we take to address the current situation and improve our overall well-being? I will share my insights based on my personal experience.

Firstly, address the issue of your current shadow over your wife. I believe your financial situation is satisfactory. My recommendation is to find a reliable and high-quality psychological counselor to scientifically resolve this shadow problem. I believe this will be highly beneficial to your future life.

Secondly, in the process of finding a counselor, I suggest that you write and heal. In other words, write about previous relationships, the search for love, and the process of passion fading. If you feel that you can analyze it, you should be able to identify common points. By sorting it out yourself, you can let go of the past and allow emotions to flow. I believe this may alleviate some of the anxiety and confusion.

Secondly, I advise against self-labelling. Everyone appreciates beauty, and your pursuit of your wife's beauty is understandable. However, I have observed that your wife's overall condition is favourable, and you are satisfied. Fundamentally, you should still recognise your wife. With this foundation, in collaboration with a psychological counsellor, if you can resolve some of your underlying feelings towards your wife, I believe your relationship with her may improve.

In just six months, you will reach the age of 40 and no longer experience confusion. Consider this: when you are 40 and no longer confused, and have a baby of your own, you will feel a different kind of love. It is important to understand that there is more to life than romantic love. There is also the love of parents for their children, and the love of children for their parents. We should embrace all kinds of love to ensure we do not regret having only walked once on this earth. I believe that the baby will give you a different kind of love.

I hope you will continue to develop your strengths as you pursue a romantic relationship and enhance your overall well-being.

I would like to extend my warmest regards to the world and to you.

Hello, host, I've noticed a very important point in your story.

1. You care about your wife's appearance.

2. You were unhappy during the relationship and felt forced to marry.

3. You can only feel your wife's nastiness during marriage. You also mentioned she is cold because of you.

You don't like your wife. You can't connect with her.

Why can't you confide in your wife?

In an intimate relationship, you cannot exchange hearts with someone else. You hope that someone else will satisfy that "her" within you. The original poster can consider the following questions.

The answer is often within yourself.

Question

What does she look like in your heart?

Can you attract the woman of your dreams?

3. Why do you have these expectations of others? Do you hold yourself to the same standards?

4. Do you accept or reject yourself after setting standards for others? For example, are you satisfied with your appearance?

I hope the original poster can think about these questions and find the answers. At thirty, you find your place; at forty, you're confident.

When you're older, you can focus on yourself.

1. Understand her.

2. Understand yourself.

3. Understanding marriage

4. Choose your life.

5. When you have problems, think about how you deal with them.

1. Understand her.

She thought you would live happily together, but you don't. She cares about you, but you let her down. She hopes you can care about her, but you don't. She is pregnant, and she is scared about the future. How can she stay with you? What's the point of living like this? She hopes you can change, but you don't. She doesn't know how long this will last. Even if you get divorced, will things get better? Not necessarily. She wants to get back the old you.

2. Understand yourself.

I think her overall conditions are quite good, except that I'm not satisfied with her appearance. I got married because my family was pressuring me. I never imagined that she would have such high expectations, constantly watching me and finding fault with me every day. I don't feel happy at all. I'm scared of her treating me this way. She can't force me. I don't feel anything for her anymore. She's so extreme. I'm scared. I'm at a loss. How do I face such a life? I have to raise a child in the future. I really feel so powerless. I can't believe I've fallen into self-doubt. What's wrong with me? So many troubles are waiting for me. How can I be happy normally?

3. Understanding marriage

Marriage is about companionship. It's about having someone close to you, taking care of each other, understanding, acceptance, and intimacy. It's also about having space and liking the other person for who they are. It's about giving voluntarily and accepting everything about the other person, including their faults. It's about appreciating the strengths and loving the weaknesses. It's about not giving up the dream of perfectionism and lowering expectations for the little things in the present. It's about raising expectations for the future.

(But the respondent found that the original answer was meant to say that you shouldn't have high expectations. Can I do it? I did it. Is it useful if the other person can't do it?

4. Choose your life.

...

5. When you face challenges, choose how you deal with them.

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