I can't do it, I feel so defeated, trapped in a vicious cycle, how to solve it?

Good day, questioner.

After reviewing your account, it is evident that you are currently facing significant internal conflict and are unable to find a way to achieve balance.

1. "I've been experiencing a sense of self-blame recently, questioning my ability to succeed. I feel I'm unable to perform well in any given situation. I'm interested in pursuing higher education, but I tend to underperform in academic settings. I'm seeking employment, but once I've secured an interview, I lose motivation and find myself stuck in a cycle of job interviews."

This is a challenging situation. You may feel frustrated and powerless. It often seems that our rationality cannot overcome our emotions. We know we need to work hard, but even if we pass an interview, we don't pursue the opportunity. We know we want to go to university and study hard, but we just can't get ourselves to do it.

Please explain why this is the case.

As Chen Hai-xian notes, there are in fact two distinct selves within us: the emotional self and the rational self.

The emotional side of a person can be likened to an elephant, while the rational side is akin to the person riding the elephant.

For change to occur, reason provides direction, while emotion provides motivation.

The first characteristic of this emotional state is that it is powerful.

The second characteristic is that it is driven by emotion.

It can be driven as easily by negative emotions such as anxiety and fear as by positive emotions such as love, compassion, and loyalty. Therefore, it can both impede change and serve as a powerful driving force.

The third characteristic is experience-based.

Once we have experienced the benefits of a certain behavior, it will remain with us for the rest of our lives, influencing our behavior even if we are not aware of it. We always tend to gravitate towards the familiar, towards experiences that we have already had, and instinctively avoid new experiences. In other words, people prefer to remain in their comfort zone.

The questioner's statement, "I clearly passed the interview but didn't go to work because going to work might be a new experience for you," is illustrative of the tendency of the subconscious to gravitate towards familiar activities. This can impede progress.

The essence of change is the creation of new experiences.

First, you must recognize that your emotional state is impeding your ability to take action.

To create new experiences, new behaviors, new feedback, and new reinforcement are required. It is important to derive pleasure from the experience or at least feel positive about it.

If there is no correlation between expectations and new behaviors, change will be difficult to achieve.

It is essential to take action and create new experiences to achieve results. Without this, progress will remain elusive.

2. "I'm afraid of failure and making the wrong choice, but I keep choosing anyway. My mind knows what it wants to do, but my heart is extremely resistant."

It is inevitable that everyone will experience some degree of failure in their professional lives. Success is not achieved without facing setbacks. Failure is not a negative experience; however, not learning from or being intimidated by failure before taking the first step can hinder progress.

If you do, you will be unable to progress. It is important to be resilient when facing setbacks, as they are a natural part of life. However, if you are unable to handle even minor challenges, it may indicate a lack of inner strength.

As you progress through your career, you will gain a deeper understanding of your strengths and interests through a combination of experience and reflection.

Eventually, you will identify a field in which you truly excel and are passionate about. Therefore, it is important not to be afraid of making mistakes along the way. What is the worst that can happen?

It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind or turn back if you wish to do so. You are still young and have the opportunity to try different options.

The rational level is what you know in your heart, while inner resistance is the emotional and sentimental aspect. As previously stated, the solution is to act and create new experiences, as this is the only way to break free.

To break free from this vicious cycle, it is essential to embrace new experiences, whether in the workplace or academic pursuits. Additionally, it is crucial to manage expectations around failure. It is a natural part of life's journey, and learning to utilize it as a catalyst for growth and resilience is vital. Taking bold actions with an understanding of the potential for failure is far more beneficial than avoiding it altogether. The worst-case scenario is simply starting over, which is a valuable opportunity for reflection and improvement.

I am confident that you can succeed.

I extend my best wishes to you and the world.

Hello, thank you for asking. I'm Mo Xuecheng, and I study quietly. People who study together are classmates.

I'm happy to see your former cheerfulness and confidence again. It seems like you've had a happy past. Now, it seems like you've encountered some challenges and are feeling less cheerful and confident. You don't want to continue to be a mess, and you also want to achieve some results and continue to be happy and confident. You miss your former self and want to return to your old state. Your studies, driving school, and work have also put some pressure on you. You also want to do your own things well, but you lack confidence.

Then, I'd like to share some thoughts that I hope you'll find useful.

1. Accept yourself as you are.

This is how we are now, this is how we work, study, and learn to drive. We haven't done some things well, but have we also done things well? Maybe it's because of other reasons or because of our own bad state of mind. When our state of mind is good, we can slowly do things well. We allow ourselves to have some minor problems sometimes. We can't be perfect at everything all the time. Accepting our current state, I am already very good as I am, I have tried my best, I just need to adjust my state of mind.

2. End the cycle of self-doubt and start affirming yourself.

Do you also often put yourself down? Many people do. Even though they're obviously very good, they still feel like they haven't done a good job, which puts a lot of pressure on them and makes them less and less confident. Gradually, they begin to feel frustrated, guilty, and self-blame, and get caught in the vicious circle of "I could have done better." So, try to affirm yourself with the following sentences:

1. I can do it well. I've already done a good job.

2. I'm good at this, and I still have what it takes.

3. I've already put in a lot of effort. I just need to adjust my mindset.

4. I'm popular and I'm lovable.

5. I believe in my future, as long as I put in the work.

6. I accept myself, I just need to get moving.

7. I can do it, and I'm pretty good at it, too.

You might want to try repeating positive self-talk a few times a day to see if your confidence returns.

3. Get help when you're feeling down.

Do you have someone you can turn to for support, like family or friends? Someone who can listen to you, give you a shoulder to lean on, and cheer you on as you work through challenges? Think about it. Who do you turn to when you're facing difficulties? Pick up the phone and give them a call. Gather the courage to speak up. When you feel better, go for a walk, go shopping, have a meal, chat, and gradually lift the gloom from your heart. Then, little by little, you'll regain your confidence and inner peace, and you'll be ready to dive back into your work. You've got this.

OK, I'll leave you with a quote I like: learn as you go, do as you learn, get yourself moving, and before you know it, everything will start moving in the direction you want. Come on, the world and I love you.

Hello, host. From what you've said, I can see you're facing a bit of a dilemma. You want to do something, but you're worried about doing it badly, so you end up putting things off. In my view, this is actually a habit of procrastination.

Procrastination is pretty common among young people these days. Here are some examples:

1. They're shy and afraid of being laughed at, lacking confidence in themselves.

2. To deal with the pressure of work, they develop a long-term habit of putting things off.

3. Out of fear and without the right knowledge.

4. They're very capable, but they're also rather proud and think more than they act. They often say things that sound wonderful, but they never really take action.

The real reason is that we don't understand the principle of selective abandonment, and it's hard for us to accept that perfection isn't possible. We always want to do everything and do it well.

The best way to beat procrastination is to think that getting things done is better than doing things well.

As you mentioned in the article, if you want to go to college, you'll need to give up other things and focus on your studies. You'll also need to work hard to achieve this goal.

If you want to work, then, if you get the job, go to work and see what you need to learn on the job. Then find time to study and learn it.

If you want to get your driver's license, you've got to study for the test and get it as soon as you can.

I'm going to introduce you to a concept that I think is better than "getting something done well."

In your work, it's clear that the main thing that sets us apart from others is how well we execute our tasks. If we don't get things done, no matter how well we speak, it's just empty talk that doesn't produce any value. Then time is wasted.

And don't underestimate the importance of "completion." Aren't the truly efficient people the ones who get more done in a shorter amount of time?

Sometimes we set too many goals, always wanting to accomplish this and that, but having too many choices can make you feel overwhelmed and lead to failure in accomplishing even the last one.

We should make a plan, make a list of what we want to do, and then just get it done, one thing at a time.

As they say, "You can't get fat by eating just one mouthful." It's the same idea.

There's no such thing as a perfect solution. We start by getting the task done, then choose the best one from a few options. This is the only way to make progress and eventually get the job done.

How can we get something done, complete it, and then make it perfect?

This method is based on two concepts: first, just get it done; and second, continuous improvement.

If you want to practice your cooking, the first thing you need to do is make a dish. Don't worry if it doesn't taste perfect. As long as it can be eaten, get feedback from friends and family, and then slowly continue to improve. Keep practicing and come up with your own specialty dish.

When we truly understand this, it can lead to a significant shift in how we approach life. We'll also gain a new perspective on how we can influence the passage of time.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and self-effacing.

Falling into a vicious circle of self-doubt.

From your description, I can tell that your current state of mind is very different from your previous state. This makes it difficult for you to accept. We are willing to try, but we are more used to avoiding it. You must have experienced some major events that have made you feel this way. If so, we can take a good look at ourselves.

You came to the Q&A because you want to feel better. We can try to have a dialogue with our inner voice to understand why we feel this way. This can help us become ourselves.

Talking to yourself is the best way to think. The old you was confident, lively, and cheerful. The current you is lost, dispirited, and lacking confidence. How did these opposing words and emotions merge into your own? Was it because the environment changed, or because our state of mind changed, or perhaps we experienced some traumatic events?

Then you can see your heart.

How to break the cycle.

You look at your past and compare it to your present. Look at your old friends, what you left behind, and if there are any changes in your photos. You'll think, "I was once so happy." And what about the future?

Learn from the past, find motivation, and say to yourself, "I can still be my old self. Maybe it's not the same as what I really wanted to do, but adults try to be happy through their choices. So when we face a choice, we should look forward and back when appropriate.

Look to the future. What kind of person do we want to become? Then we need to decide whether to find employment or pursue further studies. No matter which path we choose, it is for the service of becoming a happier and more valuable person. These two paths are not in conflict.

Best,

You may have two extreme attitudes towards yourself: one is overconfident, while the other is overly self-deprecating. But if you think about these two states, you need to ask yourself: are you losing confidence in life, or do you simply not know what you want? Or maybe you want to try everything, but you only have a short-lived interest in everything, and over time you don't have the motivation or reason to continue?

If you have lost confidence in life, then you need to figure out what caused it.

If you don't know what you want or what you're pursuing, you need to find the meaning of your life.

If you are fickle, you should think about it. New things can arouse your interest.

I have met someone like this. He couldn't stay in any job for long, and the more he worked, the less he could bear it. His family blamed him. I told him, "It's the novelty. You need to find something you're content with."

He started taking short-term jobs, changing every three months. Different jobs, different fields, different people, different salaries. He came to me later and said, "Have you struck it rich?" He laughed and said, "Nonsense, how could that be?"

I said, "Then why are you so happy?" He said, "Because I'm content with the status quo."

He has changed. He is someone who loves life, not someone who doesn't work hard. He said one word: contentment.

You have to think about it. Are you satisfied?

Also, the celebrity He Jie said something in a program that I think is great. She said, "Do different things at different ages." I'm not wrong. Get married when you're supposed to get married and have kids when you're supposed to have kids. I would like to add that no one stays the same, let alone in the same state.

I am confident that this will be of assistance.

Let's cheer on the OP from afar!

Let's dive into the questioner's description!

I'm excited to go to college and start working! I'm also eager to take the driving test so I can get my license. I'm a little afraid of giving up, but I'm confident I can achieve my goals. I'm ready to reconcile and find a way to make it happen. I'm excited to start this new chapter in my life and I'm confident I can do it!

The questioner's confusion

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really want to find a way to solve it!

Words to the questioner:

The questioner always has a lot of things to do, but they are all about avoiding and avoiding solutions. Even if there is a good opportunity in front of you, you will choose to avoid it.

I'm excited to find out what happened to the OP before and after, which made you become who you are now! The OP can tell us more about this.

There are so many ways we can change the current situation of the questioner!

Solutions

1-It doesn't matter whether you choose to give up or choose to struggle. The focus now can be on your emotions, and don't let yourself fall into self-blame.

Everyone needs a break sometimes. It's like a machine that keeps running all the time, and problems will always arise. But that's okay! It's normal to stop and fix things up a bit.

2-The question owner wants to rest, so rest well. Then, get ready to charge ahead! We'll start planning again and get this show on the road. Time is not a problem. We can take care of the rest later. It's all good! There's no need to feel any pressure.

I really hope the questioner can rest easy. And I really hope that when the questioner wants to fight, they'll put their whole heart into it!

Hello, my child! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

You are confused, afraid, and at a loss, but you also have a goal. It seems like you have the will, and I know you can achieve it! You want to succeed and work hard, and I know you can do it! You may not know how to do it, or you may treat it with a bad attitude, but you can change that. So, you always blame yourself and are disappointed in yourself, feeling that you can't do anything right. Let me tell you, you can do anything you set your mind to!

I'd love to share some of my thoughts with you!

We can become aware of the amazing benefits we can get in this way!

You say that once you pass an interview, you don't go for it, and you get caught in an infinite loop of job interviews. What does this mean?

This means that you can always experience the incredible sense of accomplishment that comes with passing an interview. You don't have to actually face the job, but you can still enjoy the amazing feeling of success! And what benefit do you get from not taking a driving test?

What does it mean to mess around in preparation for further studies? What benefit does it give you?

...

Once you become aware of this, you'll see that you're doing this to fulfill certain needs of your own. And the great thing is, there are so many better ways to satisfy these needs!

For example, we can actually achieve a sense of accomplishment in the process of working! We can take on more and more work, gain the recognition of our boss and colleagues, and also gain our own inner satisfaction and sense of accomplishment. This can get us out of the cycle of constantly looking for work! What do you think?

2. Accept yourself, because even failure is a kind of success!

You say you are afraid of failure and making the wrong choices, but you have to keep making choices! There's no such thing as failure in life, only learning opportunities. And there's no such thing as only making the right choices, only making choices!

The truth is, mistakes and failure are nothing to be afraid of. What really holds us back is losing confidence in ourselves, always blaming and attacking ourselves.

So, let's choose to treat ourselves in a positive manner! If we keep treating ourselves in a self-attacking and self-blaming manner, it seems as if we are admitting that we are not good. But this will not help us become better! We must truly accept our shortcomings and imperfections. We must admit that we are human and are likely to make mistakes and fail. But we can also celebrate our successes!

We have the amazing opportunity to make our own choices and to embrace the consequences of those choices. Absolutely, this is my choice, and I'm thrilled to accept it. I'm ready to take the plunge and embrace the adventure of making my own choice. Even if I stumble, I'll gain so much more. I'll gain the invaluable experience of growing up, and I'll draw on the wisdom of experience to help me become more perfect and mature.

Embrace yourself, embrace your mistakes, and take ownership of the results of your choices. You'll find it's much easier to make decisions when you do this. When you understand yourself, care for yourself, and comfort yourself like a friend, you'll be in a much better place than when you're constantly attacking and doubting yourself.

You know what? The path to confidence and self-acceptance starts with understanding yourself. When you love yourself, you can be confident in all you do!

3. Simplify your life by tackling one thing at a time!

You have so many exciting things going on right now! You're looking for a job, going to school, and taking the driving test. There are so many things to do, and you want to do everything, but you don't necessarily do everything well.

Steve Jobs, the legendary founder of Apple, once said, "Focus on one thing at a time." And he meant it! Every year, he sets himself one particularly important task, so that all his time is devoted to it. And guess what? He is always successful!

So, let's see, what is the most important thing for you right now? Is it going to college?

Are you on the hunt for a new job? Or maybe you're excited to get your driver's license?

You can rank your goals in your own mind, and gradually you will become clear about what you want to achieve most at the moment. Then, you can devote yourself wholeheartedly to it, prepare well, work hard, try your best, and then welcome the final result with a natural attitude.

The truth is, we can't control the outcome. If we try to, we'll just end up feeling anxious. So, focus on the process of your efforts instead! You can control that, and when you do your best to complete it, the result will be amazing!

Come on, you can do it! Come on!

Hug the host. I found a key point: "I can't forget how cheerful and confident I used to be."

I want to know what happened to make you feel like this: "I've become like this, and I can't do anything right."

To solve your current problems, you need to understand what happened.

You have a good foundation. You know you can be that good, so these situations make you feel uncomfortable.

This describes fear of failure and disappointment.

Has something happened that made you feel like a failure? Has this caused fear and dread?

The landlord is confused and afraid.

Psychologist Martin Seligman did an experiment.

Put a dog in a cage and shock it.

The dog ran around, but then it realized it couldn't escape, so it waited for the shock.

A week later, the cage door opened and the beep sounded. The dog should have escaped, but he didn't move and waited for the shock.

Seligman calls this "learned helplessness."

You feel helpless because you've tried so hard without getting good results. You just give up.

Some of the host's state is similar to learned helplessness.

Low achievement motivation: "Want to work, but don't want to after the interview."

Low self-concept: Fear of failure and disappointment.

Negative mindset: "I blame myself for how I've become this way and think I can't do anything right."

Low self-efficacy: "Sloppy in preparation," "Persistently sloppy," "Only want to be sloppy."

To break this cycle, we must move from learned helplessness to helping ourselves.

Find some certainty and regain control.

The dog lay down because it felt like it couldn't control anything.

How can the original poster take back control?

Start with something you like and love. Forget about college, a job, or driving. What do you like doing best?

Do what you love and you'll feel in control.

Even if the worst thing you can do is play video games, have you upgraded yourself? What does upgrading give you?

How will you regain control of your life?

Second, set a small goal and make progress.

Let go of perfectionism. It's hard to regain confidence all at once.

Take it one step at a time. When you set a small goal, make progress of 0.01 every day and say, "I'm great!"

If you used to avoid studying for exams, you can say, "I read for ten minutes today. I'm amazing!"

Believe in yourself. You can do this.

You can find a job. The original poster is a capable student.

Listen to your inner voice and choose a path.

Your choices are more important than your efforts. Follow your heart and make your life's mission what you love.

Everyone comes into the world with their own motivation and mission. If you can't find it, the organization that sent you here wasn't considerate. Instead of wavering during the school and career choice process, does your heart tell you something else?

You can ask yourself what you need and what you want.

What do I really want to do? Try to find out what you would do even without being paid.

That path is the one you should choose. It gives you motivation to act.

If you like doing something, keep doing it.

People are social animals. We often believe our actions are valuable to others.

Companies and positions help people and solve social problems.

People are behind companies and positions too. People help others, resolve conflicts, and meet needs.

The host can find their passion, discover their way out, and find their life's mission.

Small successes and goals are gifts from God. They are wrapped in problems, but you can solve them and become a better person.

Are you ready to open gifts? I wish you luck and hope you meet a better version of yourself.

Hello, question asker!

I'm glad you asked this question, and I understand your feelings.

I'm glad you asked this question. I understand how you feel.

From your description, it is clear that you are experiencing some very important things in your life at the same time.

You're considering going to school, finding a job, and taking a test.

There may be other things, but when you have so many important decisions to make at once, it's natural to feel overwhelmed.

You are facing a directional choice: continue your studies or choose to work. It's a simple choice between taking and giving up.

If I go to university, I will have to give up looking for a job. If I look for a job, I will have to give up going to university.

You see, the exam is not a very important matter to you. It is just an accessory that you are wavering between the two options.

You said it yourself: you're feeling confused, but you know what you want. You have a goal, but you're also a little afraid. You're at a crossroads in life, and you're worried that if you make a mistake now, you'll be unable to accept the unknown risks in the future.

Is that it?

We are deterred by uncertain risks, which rob us of the strength to explore further. We are also swept up in all kinds of doubts about our own inadequacy.

We are afraid of failure.

This is a vicious circle that eats away at our hearts. We always hope for success and that our choices will lead to no regrets.

The truth is, no matter how you choose, the ideal choice is always the right one or the perfect ending. It's just a matter of time before you achieve it.

Knowing what you really want in your heart is more important than whether your choice is right or wrong in the moment.

Dong, a teacher at New Oriental, has recently become popular. People are moved by his talent and feelings, saying that this is the ceiling of the broadcast room. He is extremely clear-headed about his own popularity.

He stated, "I don't feel angry. I've always been me." This was true when he started live streaming and was criticized and slandered, and it is also true now because he is liked by people who understand.

I haven't changed. The environment around me has changed.

There is no absolute right or wrong choice, and there is no limitless glory in everyone's eyes.

He talked about being teased for his Shaanxi accent in high school and being teased for his appearance during a live broadcast. He didn't care about any of that. He only cared about practicing his English and whether or not his career in live broadcasting was worthwhile.

He makes every life choice with conviction, even if it is full of twists and turns.

Therefore, every choice is uncertain, and the future is unpredictable. For now, let go of self-blame and consider your true desires and aspirations. Then, accept the present with an open mind.

Everyone has experienced failure.

I remember Li Songwei saying, "I admit I'm not good, but I'm still alive."

Just mope for a while.

In this way, you will find that everything is acceptable. Even if your future choice fails, you can simply start over.

I know there are many choices in life, and I choose adventure and the unknown.

You've got this!

You've got this!