I wonder why my mother endlessly pays attention to and envies everyone around her.

Dear questioner, I am confident that my reply will help and support you.

I am Duo Duo Lian, and I want to be clear about one thing: the relationship between children and parents is very delicate. It is only natural to feel hurt, to blame yourself deeply, and to resent your parents when they treat you this way. Anyone would feel uncomfortable.

This is the main reason for the conflict between many children and their parents today: they place their expectations on their children.

I'm sure you've experienced a lot too. Many attempts have not achieved the goal you want. Everyone obeys their parents and wants to be themselves. Everyone wants a good development and a good future.

You must first learn to survive in the world. Only then can you develop. Everyone has a different upbringing and a different pace.

Let them live at their own pace. It's clear that life under the pandemic has been difficult for many. Many people have experienced hardships and are unable to express the bitterness they feel.

There is no failure in life, only growth. Parents influence their children, and they have high expectations. Her words are sharp and make children feel uncomfortable. Every child is good-natured and wants to do better. They need their parents' support and companionship.

As parents, we must become our children's stepping stones and give them motivation. We must respect their choices. Everyone is responsible for their own lives, and the control is in their own hands. Confrontation between children and parents is a lose-lose situation. There is only one way to handle relationships well: by being assertive.

Children must understand their parents' limitations, which are their expectations. Be your own person, maintain boundaries with your parents, trust your own choices, and follow your own path. The future will bring many difficulties and changes, but you can handle it.

Accept the current situation and the fact that you can't do it all at once. Only then will you be able to see the real you. Be true to yourself. That's the most powerful thing you can do.

Hello, I'm Jialan.

I'd like to share my views and suggestions to help you!

Your mother is envious. She has been since childhood. She talks to people and learns about you. She is a "super spy."

Secondly, the mother made comparisons, not positive comments or support. The saying is, "Without comparison, there is no harm."

How do we adjust?

Tell your mother how amazing she is. Guide her to notice the little improvements in the family and the home every day.

Talk to your mother about her envy and the pressure of comparing you to others. You need her support. Ask her what your strengths are. Can she help you?

You also want to live better and make your family's life better.

You can accept your mother, let her love you, adjust her abilities to suit you, and live a happy life.

It's not easy to be alive. I don't want to get old. I'm happy to be normal.

Can you really be awake in this world? Most people are ordinary and happy. Compared to people who have experienced hardships, we are happy!

Happy New Year!

Hello, dear questioner! It's like seeing you in person.

After reading your description, I can see that you have a very good eye for detail and are very perceptive. Thanks to this, you have presented your mother's habits in a way that is very accurate and clear. It seems that you are confused about whether you care about things as much as your mother does. Is this something you'd like to work on?

Let's take this one step at a time, based on what you've shared, and see if we can come up with some helpful tips for how to handle this.

At the beginning of your description, you mentioned that your mother studied the situation of every household thoroughly, and then the conversations she had with the people around her were always about these topics. It's so impressive how she was good at capturing information during these conversations! From this section, what I felt first was actually the keen sense of your mother. She seems to have an amazing ability to find enough topics of conversation in her life to use in communicating with the people around her, which shows that she has outstanding social skills.

I know this might all sound a little strange, but I was really trying to help you understand. I know I ended up talking about "finding the good in your mother," but I hope you don't mind!

I'm so excited to share the next thing with you! It's going to be a big help if you can carry it over and transition it with the help of your mother's strengths.

Yes, your mother's actions in the description all have a bit of a "comparison" feel to them, but this is just her way of dealing with things. She chats with other people and gets a value that she thinks is reasonable, and she will subconsciously think that it also applies to you, so she will often come to you and share that value without adjustment. If you listen to her, your mother will often feel a sense of accomplishment and even be overjoyed.

However, your mother's expectations are hers, and yours are yours. Have you noticed anything yet?

Absolutely! Your expectations and your mother's expectations are totally independent of each other. That means you get to decide whether or not you're influenced by her excessive attention and compulsive need to compare.

My dear, I'd like to offer you a slightly tweaked version of a quote from your description: "I just want to be content and simply be myself. I don't want to compare myself with others. It's not easy being born into this world, and we grow old so easily. I don't want to get tired so easily. I'm willing to be ordinary and mediocre, because I have already experienced the 'unordinary'. So now I just want to live a stable life. May these adjusted words bring you strength."

And there's one more thing I want to tell you: you are not bad at all, you are great! I say you are great because I can see that you have a clear vision for your life. Everyone longs to live freely, and living freely does not mean being passive.

It's so important to have your own plan for your future. And every step you take towards your ideal plan, time will remember for you.

Your future is in your own hands, sweetheart. It's not in someone else's mouth or imagination.

Take care of yourself, and then fight with ease. You know your own rhythm best, so follow it!

Then, follow your own rhythm and live the way you aspire to be! You've got this!

I really hope you're doing well! I'll see you again soon!

It's okay if you're not sure why. It's probably not something you can change, but that's okay!

Mothers have their own experiences and ideas, and their logic and beliefs are deeply held. It's not easy to change someone's mind with ordinary arguments or communication. We all have our own values and outlook on life, and we believe that she is also unable to change or force it.

It's tough to understand someone else's inner world, especially when it comes to our mothers. It's like trying to see inside a crystal ball! And it's even harder to change it.

I can imagine that you might be feeling frustrated and angry, and also a bit helpless and powerless to argue back.

It's clear that your mom's words and actions have a big impact on you. She's constantly criticizing you, expressing her disappointment, and reminding you of your failure as a child. It's frustrating and infuriating, but there's also an undeniable part of her words and actions that you can't deny. Even if you have your own attitude towards life, you still seem to question yourself whether you are really negative.

Let's say a child doesn't meet their mother's expectations. Does that mean they've made a mistake or failed? Does it mean they've been unfilial or negligent as a child?

Maybe you feel like motherhood shouldn't be like this, but you're not sure how to explain it to your mom or even to yourself.

It's so important to find your own beliefs to help you explain and deal with specific problems when you're adapting to such pressures and influences.

I'd love to know more about what you're feeling right now. Is there something you're struggling with, or something you're not sure you can explain or deal with in the face of the pressure of motherhood?

Do you think it's possible to be happy even if life is ordinary? If you do, why can't you refute or defend against your mother's words and deeds? Is your belief inappropriate? And what is the basis for your persistence or change?

It would be really helpful for you to find an answer to each one.

It's clear you believe that "life is short, so don't be too tired." If you have enough to eat and drink, and don't needlessly compare yourself to others and create trouble for yourself, it's better to accept reality and try to live your life happily. But at the same time, as a child, this attitude or choice seems to make it difficult for you to fulfill your duties. This is also part of your role, and in this identity, it seems that you are not doing a good job, and that you should only satisfy your mother.

At this point, it would be really helpful for you to find a priority order among them, such as the order of self and being a child. You could ask yourself whether the idea is reasonable, for example, whether being a child means being infinitely responsible for what your mother says and does. It might also be a good idea to think about what is most important among family members.

Don't doubt yourself! You have the right to stick to your own attitude towards life. It's your freedom. No one else's judgment can take the place of your own life, not even your mother.

It's important to remember that while comparing with or envying others won't change anything in reality, it can cause a lot of trouble and unrest. This is just a manifestation of her past. Her words and deeds can easily make you feel a sense of loss or guilt, but it is not the children's responsibility. Not all mothers are like this. This is just her own way of thinking, just as you have your own way of thinking. There is no right or wrong, nor are you responsible for each other.

You've chosen to be happy, so work hard to practice and realize your beliefs! Isn't the affection between family members the warmest and happiest place?

You might want to try sorting out your own thoughts and beliefs. You can probably reach a consensus with your mother on things like love and support among family members, affirmation among family members, and harmony in getting along with each other. It would be great if you could explain yourself and resolve emotions when faced with your mother's explicit and implicit accusations and pressure, as well as give her self-consistent answers and logic.

If you can remain calm and even have the energy to persuade others to change, you can create a warmer, more harmonious family atmosphere. This would be a great testament to your beliefs in life!

Take a good look at your beliefs and choices. You can stick to them or change them—either is totally possible!

Your attitudes and beliefs about life are very basic and fundamental. It's important to start from here and be able to explain or deal with various concrete realities in real life. Otherwise, you might doubt and waver in your own position and beliefs, as you are doing now. Such things are inevitable and will continue throughout your life. Worries of all sizes are just concrete manifestations. You've got this!

We also change our beliefs and attitudes all the time. When something new and better comes along, it's like a new chapter in our lives. You can stick with what you know or try something new. Either way, you'll find your way.

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Hello!

From your description, I feel that you and your mother have different thoughts and this causes you negative emotions. You are good at understanding and expressing these emotions.

Your mother knows a lot about the people around the house and always compares us to others. You want to live a simple life, but some of her ideas make you feel uncomfortable. Is this true?

It's normal to feel this way. Your parents think differently, and there's a generation gap. They tell us to do things we don't like in the name of doing what's good for us. This is a common problem with all parents. They haven't done it, and they ask us to do it for them.

We can't change it. We can only influence him by changing ourselves because everyone feels differently.

I know you feel powerless and frustrated, but it's okay. We can change ourselves through hard work. When you come here, you're already on the path to change.

Everyone has different thoughts and pursuits. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a peaceful and stable life.

Based on your description, I have some suggestions that might help.

First, understand your mother's needs.

There's a reason behind everyone's thoughts and actions. We must understand mom's reasons and needs.

What does he want? Only by understanding his needs can we help him and ourselves. Do you agree?

Improve yourself to communicate with your mother.

I know you may not feel comfortable with the advice I gave you to communicate with your mother. But if we don't improve ourselves, we won't have the courage to accept and face some of our mothers' words and actions. This will make our communication calm and peaceful. If we don't have the strength to communicate with our mothers, we will become angry, which is not conducive to communication.

Second, try to understand other people.

We are all adults with our own thoughts and independence. This is good, but mothers may know less than us. We don't know what he has been through. Maybe he has hurt us in the past, but now we can protect ourselves. While we learn to protect ourselves, we try to understand our mothers. We don't want to forgive or respect them much. We just want to get along. Do you agree?

Seek help from a counselor.

Nobody's perfect, including mothers. If you can't reconcile with yours, seek help from a counselor. They can help you explore your subconscious, adjust your perceptions, and create a safe, supportive environment. In this environment, you'll have the strength to grow and reconcile with your family of origin and yourself.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun. Happy 2023!

I understand your feelings. You and your mother have different values and outlooks on life. The anxiety caused by her comparisons has put you under pressure and impacted your outlook. Let's discuss and share.

1. Why do we compare?

You describe your mother vividly. I can imagine how tense and anxious she felt when she saw that other people were better than her.

An article once sold anxiety to many people, "Your peers are leaving you behind." It is hard not to feel anxious when you are compared with others. If you are rushing forward, you cannot help but feel anxious.

Comparing yourself to others is self-torture. Comparison is like two daggers that wound both you and the other person. But why do people compare themselves to others?

In a survival environment, being better than others can help you survive.

In a disaster, the fastest runners survive.

Humans compare themselves to others to survive. Ancient humans had a built-in program in our genes that helps us survive.

You will compare yourself with others because only if you are better than others will you feel at ease and have a better chance of survival.

Our parents' generation seemed more anxious and insecure. They lacked material goods and focused on survival and quality of life.

2. How to grow

Your mother's behavior makes you feel disgusted, which puts pressure on you. Be aware of this and you can also get inspiration for your life from your mother.

For example, you can see if a person can hold two different views without it affecting how they do things.

You accept things as they are and are content with what you have. This does not mean you don't strive for progress. You know that all efforts and struggles are for the sake of happiness. You can be unhappy with 100 million yuan or romantic with just one dollar.

There are two ways to achieve happiness: be self-centered and look outward. You get satisfaction from external stimuli, which is dangerous.

My mother is like this. She is always looking at other people and their families. She hopes to live a better life than them. This is seeking from the outside.

The other way is to find balance through introspection and understanding the mind to gain a sense of happiness that doesn't depend on material things.

If you have to compare, compare vertically.

I hope this helps. I love you. ?

Click "Find a coach" to continue communicating. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, questioner, I just wanted to say that I'm an old skinny donkey, but I'm here for you if you need me!

I totally get where the questioner is coming from. We all grow up being compared to others. From the moment we can remember, our parents have compared us to the kids in the neighborhood to see who is more obedient and sensible. At school, our parents have compared our grades with those of our classmates. After we start working, our parents have compared our salaries, our marriages, and our children. We've been compared our whole lives!

It's totally normal to feel like you're not as good as other people's kids. But it's also a chance to learn from them and to try to live up to their example.

It's so important to view comparisons objectively and compare ourselves moderately. This will help us to strive to catch up and make ourselves better and better! However, excessive comparisons can make us feel rebellious, and may even lead to depression and a downward spiral.

The questioner's mother is a keen observer of other people's homes. She might be trying to fit in with her social circle, or perhaps she's just curious and interested in outside gossip. It's also possible that she's looking for ways to enrich her life and find common topics of conversation, as life can sometimes feel a little monotonous and boring. Your social circle might not be one she can fit into, and that's okay! Apart from talking about family matters, she can always remain silent.

It might be a good idea for the questioner to chat with her mum about what she's thinking and how it feels when she's compared to other people. It could also be a great chance for the questioner to tune in to her mum's inner voice. "Nonviolent Communication" might be a helpful way for the questioner to learn some new communication skills.

Ultimately, it's up to you, the questioner, to decide what kind of life you want to live. As long as you feel comfortable, there's no need to measure yourself against your mother's standards. Remember, the only person you need to please is yourself. Your mother's expectations and comparisons are just her own issues. You don't need to compromise yourself just to make your mother happy. If you're looking for more guidance, I'd recommend checking out the part of the book "The Courage to Be Disliked" that deals with separating issues. It might be helpful for you.

Most people's lives are destined to be ordinary. But that's okay! We can accept our ordinariness and reconcile with ourselves, and then we can feel at ease. And when we feel at ease, we can choose a lifestyle that suits us.

Wishing you all the best!

Hello there, question asker!

After reading your description of the problem, I can say that this situation is actually pretty common in different families.

I'll try to analyze and advise you as follows:

[relative sense of deprivation]

The original poster describes how her mother is a bit envious of the achievements of other people's families and sometimes puts her own family members down a little.

This mentality of "endless concern" in mothers is called "feeling deprived of what you deserve" in psychological terms.

In this state of mind, parents hope that their children are outstanding and are sometimes reluctant to admit that they have any problems. When faced with the facts in front of them, they compare their children's achievements with those of others, and a sense of relative deprivation can sometimes arise.

And negative thoughts start to creep in, which can eventually turn into a way of motivating themselves by blaming you.

[A positive mindset]

It's great to see the questioner has such a positive outlook. They say they don't want to trample on their own family like their mother, who is in a state of chaos every day in her heart. They're happy with a simple life and don't want to compare.

I know it can be really tough to keep going when you feel like you're missing out on something. It's so easy to give in to those feelings and just give up on yourself or try to numb them. But if you do that, the pain will only get worse.

It's so important to start with a positive, pragmatic attitude. It's okay to think that "it is already hard to support yourself and find a place to live." It's not helpful to pursue goals that are fundamentally impossible.

You've got this! You can be confident and motivated to achieve your goals, as long as they're in line with your abilities.

[Building a sense of self-identity]

From what you've told us, it seems like you're feeling a bit helpless right now. It's totally normal to feel this way sometimes, especially when we're comparing ourselves to others. It's okay to feel this way, but it's also important to remember that you have the power to make your own choices and create a life that truly makes you happy.

This instability, coupled with interference from your mother, can really take a toll on you emotionally and cause a lot of stress.

I really think you should keep on exploring and finding ways of living that suit you better. That'll help you build a stronger sense of self-identity.

Having a good sense of self-identity is really important. It means having a strong belief in your own abilities and choices. And it helps you to develop your personality and feel good about yourself.

It would be really helpful for you to find the right moment to have a chat with your mum about how you're feeling. It's so important to be able to talk through your emotions with her and to try to gain her understanding and support.

I really hope this helps you in some way.

Hello, host!

Thanks so much for your invitation!

After listening to your description, I know many people will resonate with it, including myself. It seems that many of the elders around me are like this: they like to compare themselves with others and are vain. Their focus and attention are always on others, and they need to constantly confirm their position through the outside world to gain a sense of existence—and it's fascinating to see how they do it!

This kind of behavior is essentially a lack of self-identity and a deviation in the value evaluation system. The underlying reasons may be caused by various factors such as educational background, living environment, social culture, and personal experiences. But here's the good news! There are ways to overcome these challenges and develop a stronger sense of self-identity.

Professor Peng Kaiping made an excellent point: comparing yourself with others can really get in the way of your happiness! There are two main reasons why this happens. First, you might find that what you're working so hard for isn't actually what you want. Second, the standards you're aiming for are always changing, so you'll never be able to stop striving for perfection.

The host believes in these truths and is very clear in his mind, so it is difficult for him to accept his mother's behavior. It is just as difficult to change other people as it is to climb up to the sky. He is both annoyed and helpless inside.

I'm thrilled to recommend some of Adler's theories for handling interpersonal relationships. He once said, "Most of life's troubles come from interpersonal relationships." I'm a huge believer in his theory of "task separation" for solving most of the troubles in interpersonal relationships. I've benefited greatly from it myself!

I'm excited to share that the so-called issue separation includes two key points:

One way to do this is to draw a clear line and sort out who is responsible. Generally speaking, the outcome of an event is borne by whoever is responsible. This means that you have the power to decide how you live your life!

The second is to make courageous choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. How you live your life is up to you, and it has nothing to do with your mother. It is your own choice, and even if you don't make a choice, it is still a choice—and a great one at that!

Therefore, Adler believes that we have the power to choose our results and that we are responsible for them.

From another perspective, trying to change your mother's mind is actually a kind of greed and transgression. After all, it is her own business and the lifestyle she chooses. It is influenced by educational background, personal experience, living environment and social culture, and it cannot be changed overnight. But here's the thing: you can't change your mother. You can't change anyone. And you know what? That's okay! Because you can change yourself. And that's something to be proud of.

What kind of lifestyle is considered successful, a failure, great, or ordinary?

In the book The Confidence Trap, there is a fantastic passage that says:

"Success is not just about achieving your goals. It's about living your life according to your values. So, you don't have to wait until you've achieved everything you set out to do to be successful. As long as you live according to your values, you can be successful right now!"

So, there's only one successful life in this world, and that's to live a conscientious life by practicing your values! I believe everyone can find their own answer from this sentence.

Wishing you the very best!