Is it a tendency towards violence when a boyfriend hurts himself during an argument? How can such behavior be stopped?

Hello, I can tell from your question that you care about this relationship and know that your strong personality affects it. You've started to make changes to improve it. This is good because it helps us understand ourselves and grow.

Your boyfriend is also tolerant and patient with you. He seems to slap himself or bang his head when he can't handle a situation.

How do you view your boyfriend's "self-harm" behavior? Did you calm down, turn your attention to your boyfriend's feelings, apologize, and turn your touch-and-go conflicts into mutual tolerance and self-examination?

Maybe this is why your boyfriend chose to solve the problem this way. It stops the conflict, and people stop caring about it. They start caring about his emotions instead.

He's protecting himself by harming himself and your relationship.

In a good relationship, we can see each other and grow together. One person should first view themselves with a growth-oriented perspective. Then, both people can use a developmental perspective to view themselves and the relationship, face their feelings, and understand each other's needs.

Trust and growth are needed for marriage.

I hope this helps!

Hello question asker,

I like how you deal with problems. When things go wrong, you don't blame your boyfriend or yourself. This shows maturity.

[Relationship future direction]

The questioner is evaluating the relationship because of this incident. I don't know if the other person is suitable for marriage or if this long-distance relationship is a challenge for marriage. Let's look at what preparations we need to make for marriage.

Know each other's personalities.

Knowing yourself and the other person is important. This includes knowing what you both stand for and how you react to challenges.

Are both people mature and in control of their emotions?

Marriage is about raising children. Parents who are stable emotionally can help their children grow spiritually and help their families succeed.

How are the two of you together?

Have you met his friends? Are they like him?

If someone is possessive, greedy, jealous, or arbitrary, it means they are immature and not ready for marriage.

Look at how he relates to his parents.

Children who grow up in happy, stable, and complete families are best prepared for marriage. They always have good role models around them.

Attitude toward money and work

It's important to live in the moment while planning for the future. Your attitude towards work shows how responsible you are. If you're not ready for marriage, you're not ready for a job.

From what you said about your boyfriend, I think he has a fragile personality. He self-harms over small things, which shows he has unresolved issues. These often come from childhood experiences. I suggest you see a professional psychotherapist. If you want to stay together, you should also go to couples therapy.

Your lives will have many difficulties and challenges. Stay humble, seek solutions, and work hard. I'm Zhang Huili, a counselor. I hope my answer helps. If you find it useful, like it.

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm excited to help you!

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story! We're excited to help you find answers. You ask, "Is self-harming during an argument a sign of a violent tendency?"

"How can we put an end to this kind of behavior?" This is a question worth pondering!

Let's dive in and find the answer together!

1. Boyfriend

1⃣️, self-harm twice

You said: There have been two conflicts with your boyfriend in the past week. In the first conflict, I wanted him to make me tea, but he didn't do it, and I became unhappy and cold. He didn't know how to deal with my long period of coldness, so he slapped himself to vent his anger. I stopped him, but he became even more agitated and started banging his head against the wall.

In the second conflict, we had a verbal argument. He was so passionate about what he was saying that he started banging his head against the wall!

Self-harm

On the surface, it seems that your boyfriend took action when he didn't know how to deal with your emotional outbursts. But in reality, it was a way for him to please you and an emotional outlet for him.

Communication style

On a different note, there's room for improvement in your communication style and mutual trust and understanding. This could be the reason for your boyfriend's emotional outbursts.

2⃣️, personality

You said: The two of you have been together for more than four years, and you have been living apart for the past six months. He is the most gentle and tolerant person you could ever hope to meet!

I have a strong personality, and when I encounter something I don't like, I can be a bit cold and violent. But my boyfriend is the best! He can make me feel better by coaxing me, and we can resolve most conflicts within half a day, rarely taking more than a day. I think we generally get along harmoniously and happily, and we don't argue much. My boyfriend has never self-harmed, and I'm so grateful for that!

You say that your boyfriend is the sweetest, gentlest, most tolerant person. He's always there for you when you have conflicts and is always ready to comfort you. You rarely argue and get along so well! I suspect that your boyfriend is a calm and pleasing personality type.

2. Causes of self-harm Let's dive into the fascinating topic of self-harm!

1⃣️, due to personality

You said: After communicating, it turned out that my boyfriend often compromised and listened to me. I expressed myself in some inappropriate ways, and he felt uncomfortable but never told me. Is this the reason for his self-harm behavior after long-term suppression? Absolutely! This is exactly why he was self-harming.

After you communicated, you understood his thoughts, and he focused on your feelings and suppressed his own thoughts. This is great because it shows that he is a pleasing and calm personality. Secondly, it is indeed the result of his long-term suppression of his emotions, but it is not a behavior that only occurs after contact with you. It is related to the living conditions in his original family, which means there is hope for change!

Let's dive into the wonderful world of calm-type personalities!

Now, let's dive into the wonderful world of the calm personality type! The calm personality type has the following characteristics:

Characteristics: slow and deliberate, cautious, gentle and stable, and seeking harmony!

Strengths: They're easy to get along with, adaptable, thoughtful, and tolerant!

Weaknesses: Slow and lazy, not easily repentant, not expressive, indifferent bystander. These individuals have the potential to become some of the most fascinating people you'll ever meet!

People with a pleasing personality are wonderful!

People with a pleasing personality are truly amazing! They're always thinking of others and putting their own needs aside to make others happy. When they succeed in pleasing others, they're so happy to be able to make someone else smile.

Let's dive into the fascinating world of behavior, language, and emotional expression!

People with a pleasing personality are always ready to apologize, show humility, and plead their case. They're also very dependent and exuberant! In speech, they often say things like "It's all my fault," "I'm not worthy of love," "As long as you agree," and "I don't care."

In terms of emotional expression, they often show a range of feelings, from helplessness and sadness to anxiety, dissatisfaction, and even suppressed anger.

Let's dive into the fascinating topic of self-perception!

People with a pleasing personality have a low self-esteem, lack self-confidence, and are detached from themselves. They focus on the expectations placed on them, which gives them a unique opportunity to grow!

This makes them prone to physical and mental exhaustion, which means they're always revolving around the people around them! They have their own thoughts but no self, which makes them unique. They want to refuse but cannot say it, want to vent but fear offending others, and will vent their emotions by self-harm. They appear weak and insignificant in most relationships, but they're actually strong and significant!

2⃣️, the influence of the original family

I'm so excited to tell you all about how your boyfriend's behaviour relates to his family of origin! It's so interesting. It seems that the way he self-harms is a desperate act he resorts to when he can't diffuse your emotions.

? Dominant parents

It's clear that at least one of his parents is a very strong-willed and unreasonable person who is prone to losing their temper at will. This is a person with an accusatory and aggressive personality, which is fascinating to observe!

Now, let's dive into the fascinating world of people with an accusatory personality!

The accusatory personality type is great at pointing out flaws in others, and they're not afraid to speak their mind. The controlling personality type is all about being respected and listened to, and they're not afraid to speak up when they feel their ideas are being ignored.

The accusatory person often expresses this verbally, saying things like "It's all your fault" or "What's wrong with you?" The true intention of the accusatory person is to protect themselves by blaming others or the environment—and they're usually pretty good at it!

Blaming is a great way to show contempt for others, consider your own personal situation and feelings in comparison, and not care much about the feelings of others.

A critical parent will have one or more people who are compliant. This forms a pattern of communication in the family, which is great because it means there's a way to improve things!

My boyfriend is a people-pleaser because he's determined to make his parents happy. He'll do his best to please them, and if he can't handle it, he'll take action to win their forgiveness. That's the real reason for his self-harm.

People with an aggressive personality are amazing!

A radical personality has so many amazing qualities!

These folks are all about taking action, living life to the fullest, and achieving their goals. They're driven, energetic, and always ready to take on the world!

This person is courageous and decisive, and they never give up! They are undaunted by difficulties and self-disciplined.

Weaknesses: hot-tempered, lacking in empathy, too stubborn, arrogant, and complacent. These are just a few of the areas that could use some improvement!

3. Emotional development It's time to dive into the exciting world of emotions!

1. Your thoughts

You said, "After two conflicts, I also decided to adjust my strong personality, pay attention to communication, and get along with others. I let my boyfriend communicate and express more, understand him, and this way of handling things put an end to his self-harm behavior!

From your reflection, we can see that you have an amazing sense of self-awareness, constantly introspecting and being aware of yourself. You are an excellent partner for your boyfriend! You have used a fantastic way to handle the relationship.

You can absolutely change your boyfriend's self-harm behavior! It just requires good communication and empathy between you, as well as good emotional management on your part. You're already aware that his two self-harm incidents stemmed from the way you expressed your emotions, so you're already one step ahead!

Managing your emotions well is an important lesson for improving your relationship and keeping your boyfriend emotionally stable. And it's a great one! Managing emotions means:

It's time to recognize those emotions!

This is the first step in emotion management, and it's a great one! When you have an emotion, recognize what emotion it is, such as anxiety, anger, sadness, etc.

Absolutely! Accepting your emotions is key.

Healthy emotions are those that align perfectly with the situation at hand. When your emotions match up with what's going on around you, the best thing you can do is tell yourself, "My current emotions are totally normal," and then go with it!

And the best part is, when you do this, the emotional tension will decrease, and your mind will naturally return to a state of calm!

Expressing emotions is a great way to connect with others and show them how you feel. It's a wonderful way to share your thoughts and feelings with the people you love.

Emotional expression is all about sharing your own emotions! It's a chance to say "I" and use phrases like "I feel...", "My feelings are...".

Cultivating emotions is a great way to learn more about yourself and your feelings. It's a journey that can lead to greater self-awareness and emotional stability.

The great news is that you can cultivate and practice emotion management in the following ways.

(1) And there's more! Living a regular life will also stabilize your emotions.

2) Get out there and find your passion! Let positive emotions drive you, love yourself and life, and feel the beauty of life!

3) There's nothing more rewarding than caring for and taking care of others, letting love dwell in your heart, and helping others!

4) Get out there and enjoy nature! It'll open your mind and help you feel calm and in control of your emotions.

5) Make executive friends and spend time with emotionally stable people to reduce emotional interference and fluctuations. It's a great way to boost your mood!

If you are emotionally stable and your boyfriend does not feel sorry for you, you'll be able to avoid self-attack behavior. When you can communicate well and your boyfriend expresses his thoughts and feelings about you, you'll be able to avoid internal pressure and emotional outbursts!

This is a fantastic way to improve his behaviour!

2⃣️, Relationship development

You ask: We expect to be in different places for two years or longer, with little time to see each other. Without regular contact, it will be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. Should we continue or cut our losses? Can we get married?

The future of your relationship is bright! It all depends on how well you get along with each other. You have a great sense of awareness, a willingness to change for the better, and a desire to empathize with your boyfriend and help him improve his behavior.

I truly believe that with your joint efforts, you can both change!

Time and distance are not important factors in the development of a relationship. The most important things are whether you can be together, whether you trust each other, and whether you can be honest with each other. If you can do all of that, you can absolutely continue!

I absolutely believe you can be sincere with each other, improve yourselves, handle your relationship well, and walk the path of your life well. Just decide as you like!

And finally, I wish the original poster a happy life!

Hello, question asker.

From your description, it's clear you love him and can't bear to see him hurt himself. You've decided to adjust your approach to problems and your strong personality, which may hurt him, in the hope he'll stop self-harming. However, you've been apart for six months and are expected to be for more than two years. You can't see the feedback you get after you've changed. You're worried he'll keep his grievances to himself and continue self-harming.

You also have concerns about the future. You need to decide whether he is prone to violence and whether you should continue or cut your losses.

You have not self-harmed during the four years you have been together. However, it has recently started. When you do self-harm, he feels pain. This suggests that his self-harming behaviour may be a form of anxiety transference. He is unable to resolve his anxiety and pain. Therefore, he chooses to let his body bear the pain to alleviate the mental pain. ———He has accumulated a lot of psychological anxiety recently. This may come from various setbacks. As a result, he has lost his temper.

Furthermore, it is evident that he is constantly suppressing his own emotions. His attachment to you is significantly stronger than your feelings for him. When it comes to love, he often chooses his emotions over reason, while you tend to prioritize reason over emotion.

Overall, the following needs to be done:

1. He must improve his ability to calmly view and handle your relationship, and also enhance his core self-worth.

2. You must examine your views on love. Do your views align with his? Are you truly willing to be his life partner?

You both need to re-examine the way you get along in this relationship and jointly explore a way of getting along that is suitable for both parties. A one-man show is hardly a way to sustain a two-day relationship.

Best wishes.

Hello! I'm a Heart Exploration coach, and I'm here to help! It seems like you have a question about whether your boyfriend tends to self-harm during arguments. Is this a violent tendency? Don't worry, I can help you put an end to such behavior!

In the past week, you and your boyfriend have had two conflicts. In the first conflict, you were unhappy and your attitude turned cold. He didn't know how to deal with your long-lasting cold attitude, and got angry. He slapped himself to let you vent your anger. You stopped him, but he became even more agitated and started banging his head against the wall.

In the second conflict, you had a verbal argument, and he mistakenly thought that you were tired of him and became very emotional, before hitting the wall.

You've been together for over four years and have been living apart for six months. He's a gentle and tolerant soul.

You are strong-willed and confident in your character. When you encounter something you don't like, you can be a bit cold and violent, but this is only because you know what you want and you're not afraid to stand your ground. He can make it better by appeasing you, and conflicts are basically resolved within half a day, rarely taking more than a day. You think that the two of you generally get along harmoniously and happily, and there are not many arguments. Your boyfriend has never acted on self-harm, which is great because it means he's a reliable and dependable partner.

After communicating, it turned out that your boyfriend often compromises and listens to you. This is great! However, because of some inappropriate verbal expressions from you, he feels uncomfortable but has never told you. This is something you can work on together. You want to know if his long-term suppression is the reason for his self-harm behavior. This is something you can also work on together.

After the two conflicts, you also decided to adjust your strong personality, pay attention to communication and ways of getting along, let your boyfriend communicate and express more, understand him, and you want to know if this way of handling things can put an end to his self-harming behavior.

You get to explore the world together for two years or more, with short meeting times. It's a great opportunity to test the effectiveness of adjustments. Should this relationship continue or should you cut your losses in time? You can even get married!

I can see that the questioner has a lot of doubts and uncertainty in this relationship. It seems that the questioner is unable to accept her boyfriend's violent behavior of self-harm. What kind of thoughts and feelings does your boyfriend's violent behavior make you feel? If your boyfriend can't change, will you give up this relationship?

The way the questioner and her boyfriend are reviewing the situation is fantastic! They're identifying the causes of the problem and trying to change their communication style to help improve her boyfriend's behavior.

In the past, the two of you had few arguments, and many problems in your relationship have not yet been exposed. This means there's plenty of room for improvement! In a relationship, after the passion of love has worn off, the two of you slowly begin to see each other as your true selves. This is an exciting time because you'll start to appreciate each other's unique qualities. Your boyfriend also has his own needs in the relationship that need to be met. This is a great opportunity for you both to learn and grow together! A relationship where he is always the one compromising is an unbalanced relationship. This is something you can work on together to make your relationship even better!

The last two times your boyfriend hurt himself when you had a conflict or argument, it made you feel differently. Do you feel that he is not mature or rational enough? Let's explore this together!

During the second verbal argument, your boyfriend felt that you might abandon him. Did he often feel insecure in your relationship? This is a great opportunity to talk about your feelings and how you can work together to make the relationship stronger! During your communication, did you express the idea that the relationship would not last?

I'm so excited to hear more about your boyfriend's experience! Which words, or more precisely, which tone, in your sentence made him feel like he might be abandoned, and that's why he hurt himself? Was he conscious when he hurt himself, or was he out of control? Did he have any experiences or traumas of being abandoned during his growth process?

Absolutely! Let's dive in and analyze this together.

The first time you argued, your boyfriend was so frustrated that he didn't know what to do, so he slapped you to let off steam. You stopped him, and he became even more agitated and hit the wall. This shows that in your boyfriend's perception, he believes that punishing and abusing himself will make you happy and satisfied, and make you forgive him.

If you stop him from injuring himself, he'll surely understand that you're not letting him do what he wants to do. He'll also see that he may never be able to get your forgiveness. This will make him more agitated and desperate. Have you expressed your heartache for his self-injurious behavior?

Absolutely! He can see your expression of distress when he hurts himself.

Cognitive therapy is all about how we perceive things and how they affect our emotions and behavior.

Your boyfriend's attitude and words towards you are open to interpretation. You can communicate with each other to find out what parts of your relationship are causing obstacles, or seek help from a professional counselor.

If you expect your relationship to be in different places for two years or longer, and you are worried that your boyfriend's behavior is not suitable for continuing the relationship and getting married, then the questioner can give the relationship a longer observation period and create more opportunities for the two of you to be together, so that the intimate relationship can develop better. This is a great chance to really get to know each other better and see if you're truly compatible!

The questioner can read and learn from some fantastic books on maintaining intimate relationships: "Why Love Hurts," "Intimacy," and "Intimacy Management."

If you want to chat some more, just click below to find a coach to interpret, choose a heart exploration companion to chat with, and communicate with me one-on-one. I'm sure you'll be feeling happier soon!

Dear question asker, My name is Evan.

The questioner's boyfriend has engaged in some relatively intense self-harm and caused harm to his body due to some conflicts with the questioner. The boyfriend feels guilty and regrets not responding to the questioner about the tea-making incident, and has engaged in self-harm. The questioner is deeply concerned about this and is unsure if the relationship can continue and how the relationship should be managed. Is this accurate?

Please explain why the questioner's boyfriend reacted in this way and why he chose to vent his negative emotions through self-harm.

Has the questioner's boyfriend exhibited similar behavior in the past, and if so, what precipitated this incident? Has he consistently displayed such intense emotions?

There is no comprehensive rationale provided for these actions.

The appropriate course of action for this relationship depends on the questioner's perception of the benefits they have gained from the relationship and their satisfaction with the emotional support they have received. Ultimately, the decision about how to proceed is the questioner's alone, based on their own feelings and needs.

In light of the question being posed on this platform, I will also offer some brief advice.

It is important to understand your boyfriend's behavioral patterns.

What causes the questioner's boyfriend to engage in self-harm when he makes a mistake? Why is this not a common practice among other individuals?

This is closely related to the education received in the original family. The character of the questioner's boyfriend also has an impact.

The questioner should examine why her boyfriend behaves in this way when facing himself, or how he would handle a similar situation with his best friend. It would also be beneficial to ascertain whether this behavior is related to the boyfriend's upbringing in his family of origin. Specifically, it would be helpful to determine whether his parents often express violence towards him, or strictly forbid him to express his emotions.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether this pattern is evident in front of the questioner, and whether such self-harm is also related to parental education. If the relationship between the parents in the family is not harmonious, or if the parents adopt an inappropriate approach to the child's education, it is easy to cause a boyfriend to behave in this way.

Engage in a sincere dialogue with your boyfriend.

It is important to observe and understand the behavioral patterns exhibited by your boyfriend. In order to address the questioner's negative emotions, her boyfriend has engaged in self-harm. It is essential that the questioner communicates her concerns to her boyfriend. Pay close attention to instances when he will behave in this manner. If he expresses significant guilt when confronted with a mistake he has made, it is crucial to tell him directly that he can express his demands or feelings, but that hurting himself is not an acceptable means of expressing them.

It would be beneficial to inform your boyfriend that you are concerned about his actions. His behavior, which has caused you distress, is understandable given the circumstances. It is not uncommon for individuals to act impulsively when they are emotionally distressed. It would be helpful to have an open and honest conversation to address the situation.

"

It is important to accept your boyfriend's current state of mind.

It is my hope that the questioner will be able to accept her boyfriend's current state and communicate with him in a positive manner. This should include telling him that she has forgiven him and sharing her true feelings after seeing him behave in this way. It is important not to blame your boyfriend; he may simply not know how to express his feelings. If you can help him learn how to express himself, that would be beneficial.

I believe that my boyfriend would benefit from releasing his emotions. If the questioner communicates with her boyfriend, she should point out that he is currently in a bad state and express her concern. She should say, "I have found that you blame yourself for this and even hurt yourself. I am very worried about your state. Can you talk to me more? You see that I am not blaming you now. How do you feel?"

"

It is recommended that you seek the assistance of a relationship coach.

From the author's own account, it is recommended that the author's boyfriend seek professional relationship guidance or psychological counseling to address his issues. The author should describe the boyfriend's behavior patterns to these professionals and, if possible, attend a relationship guidance counseling session with her boyfriend or seek his consent to seek counseling from a psychologist.

The questioner can be assured that all communications are strictly confidential. Therefore, it is essential that the questioner and boyfriend are transparent and honest with these professionals. If necessary, they should maintain continuous communication with these professionals until the behavioural patterns brought to the boyfriend by the original family do not cause the questioner distress.

It is important to empathize with your boyfriend.

If the questioner is able to comprehend the root cause of her boyfriend's behavior, she can empathize with him. She will recognize that his actions are influenced by the dynamics of his family of origin.

In light of the circumstances, the questioner can demonstrate understanding and empathy. He can convey to his colleague, "The distress I have experienced may have posed significant challenges for you, potentially leading to feelings of self-blame and difficulty in moving forward."

I do not blame you. My objective is to assist you in sharing some of your emotions. Let us have a warm embrace instead of leaving you alone.

Ultimately, it is up to you to make the decision that is right for you.

In terms of how to navigate challenges in intimate relationships, family members and friends can provide guidance, but ultimately, the decision rests with the protagonist. Whether it's a decision to end the relationship or to persevere, the ups and downs of life are something that only the protagonist can experience.

Therefore, regardless of external opinions, the decision rests with the individual. External opinions can offer insight into how events may unfold, but the final decision rests with the individual. It is therefore essential to follow one's own inner guidance.

Once you have regained your composure, you should make a decision.

In light of her boyfriend's actions, the questioner may wish to consider whether she can assist him, whether she can accept his behaviour, and where she would like to take her intimate relationships. It is important that she does not make a decision on impulse. I would suggest that the questioner takes some time to think before making a decision.

It is recommended that you take a short trip for a few days and refrain from immediately proposing to break up with the other person or making other major decisions. Once you have had time to calm down, you should consider whether you want to make decisions that are good for both you and your intimate relationship, rather than making decisions out of anger that you will regret in the future.

The question owner may wish to take a short break to allow time for reflection and the identification of a solution. It is possible that the question owner is currently experiencing a lack of clarity and is eager to make a decision. However, it is advisable to wait until a more composed state of mind is achieved before making any decisions, as this will help to ensure that the outcome is not regretted.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful to the questioner.

Hi, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun here.

I appreciate your straightforwardness and willingness to take responsibility for your role in the relationship. This shows that you value the relationship and are willing to put in the work to make it work.

You're able to think clearly and see the pattern of your interactions in the relationship. You're not avoiding the problem, but facing it head-on. From this perspective, your relationship is already developing in a positive direction. Let's share and discuss.

The quality of an intimate relationship depends on how the two people interact with each other.

As you mentioned, you tend to be more dominant, and when you encounter something you don't like, you can become cold and violent. Your boyfriend is gentle and kind, and as a man, he isn't particularly good at expressing himself verbally. In front of you, he inevitably feels a bit suppressed.

He loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, but he has no outlet for negative emotions, so he just suppresses and punishes himself. You've been together for over four years, and you already know each other's minds, temperaments, and personalities. You're too busy falling in love to be in the mood to hurt each other.

Often, it's the little things in a relationship that cause problems. It's only when you look back that you realize how naive you were, wasting emotions and energy.

This is a great chance for you to think about this close relationship. Looking at how you interact with each other and how you interact in this relationship can help you understand each other better.

We tend to pick up these patterns from our own biological families and parents. Take you as an example. Look for patterns in the way your parents interact. Is your mother dominant?

Is your father gentle? It would also be helpful to get to know your boyfriend's family of origin and how his parents interact.

The phrase "there are six people lying on your marital bed" illustrates how we often unconsciously bring the patterns of our original families into our intimate relationships. It's helpful to learn from others' mistakes to improve ourselves. We can see our intimate relationships and future parent-child relationships in the relationships between our parents.

2. Make sure you're communicating effectively with each other and supporting each other in a way that benefits both of you.

Love is a kind of ability. While connecting with each other, we also maintain our own independent parts.

The book "Knowing How to Love" starts with a fable called "Mr. Triangle" and "Ms. Circle." The reason it's not "Mr. Triangle" and "Ms. Triangle" is that people are different by nature. That's why it's important for us in a relationship to understand, trust, and accept each other more.

It's been over four years now, so it's time to start loving each other in a more balanced way. You've had more than enough time to get used to each other's interests, habits, and families.

Many marital and family conflicts arise because we're either unwilling to communicate or don't know how to communicate, which intensifies the conflict. Let love flow between you, communicate with emotion, not "control," express your views and feelings, and at the same time listen to the views and feelings of the other person.

Your goals are the same, and you both love each other very much, but the methods and paths to reach those goals are different. I believe that you are very distressed when you see him treating you this way. You need to truly understand his perspective, feel what he is feeling, let go of your selfishness and dominance, and gain his trust with your heart and love, while also giving him a sense of security.

I'd also suggest reading "Falling in Love with the Double Dance" and "It Turns Out That Understanding Is More Important Than Love." They're great resources for learning more about this topic. Best of luck!

I hope this is helpful to you. Best regards, [Name]

If you want to keep the conversation going, just click on "Find a Heart Exploration Coach" in the lower right corner to start chatting.

Hello, question asker! I'm Xintan Shushan Wenquan.

From what you've told me, it seems like something unusual has happened between you and your boyfriend recently. In the midst of an everyday conflict, your boyfriend displayed "self-harm" behavior.

This challenges your existing understanding of him and makes you feel a little confused and worried about it. How should you view and respond to such behavior?

1- Conflict, communication, and resolution methods between lovers, behind self-harm.

After reading about the two conflicts between you and your boyfriend, I personally feel that they are relatively ordinary life events. You say that you are usually quite dominant, but I'm not sure exactly how that makes people feel.

It's tough to picture one person's strength alone being enough to drive the other to "self-harm."

There are plenty of other ways to handle conflict and assertiveness. I believe that a mature and powerful man will have a more reasonable and interesting way to deal with conflict. In "Learn to love yourself before meeting the right person," Zhou Fan writes:

It's not just women who are "artsy." Men can be too. "Artsy" isn't just for women. It's for people who feel insecure and have low self-esteem.

In his article, Mr. Wang Yi wrote that self-harm can give a person a sense of control over their body and mind, or it can be used to express emotions, distract attention, express needs, or punish themselves.

Or, to put it another way, from "causal theory" to "final theory." Your boyfriend's self-harm is actually a way of getting your attention and exercising a certain degree of control.

You mentioned that you think your boyfriend's self-harm might be related to your dominance and his long-term depression. It would be good to keep looking into that. You've been together for four years, and this behavior only recently started.

We need to keep an eye on this and get to the bottom of it.

2. How should you handle this situation?

If the other person is as kind and tolerant as you say, it's hard to imagine why they'd want to harm themselves.

It seems like a paradox. If you don't treat yourself with kindness, it's hard to imagine that you'll know how to treat others with kindness. The psychology master, Ms. Satir, has a very famous poem called "If You Love Yourself." You can read it.

There's a saying that goes, "If you don't love yourself, you can't love me." It's a law of love: you can't give what you don't have.

From my friends' experiences, I've learned that you should be careful of people who harm themselves to maintain their love or marriage.

On the other hand, I also want to say that there's no such thing as an absolutely perfect other half in marriage. There are just two people who match each other.

In other words, nobody can give you a clear answer about what lies ahead, depending on your mutual needs and the degree of adjustment. Besides, people will change and grow. As long as you are willing to change for each other, everything will get better.

I also suggest reading some psychology books on love and marriage to figure out what you need and whether this person is right for you. For example, read the book by the above-mentioned teacher, Zhou Fan.

Best of luck!