It is difficult to accept yourself. How do you get out of self-doubt and self-blame?

Hello! I can really empathize with your experience. I used to be like that too, and I'm here to tell you that you can get through it!

I'm so excited to tell you about my method! I really hope it will give you some inspiration and comfort!

At first, it took me years to find a way to do this, and I went to all kinds of counseling, but I just couldn't get a radical cure. Then, gradually, I found a method that suited me, and it took just a few months to solve the problem!

(1) The great news is that you can overcome self-doubt by practicing self-affirmation!

At first, it was a bit challenging to affirm myself. I felt that it wasn't quite humble enough, or that I was resistant for various other reasons.

And the best part is, you can do the exercises against this resistance!

Guess what I did every morning? I wrote down at least 10 good things about myself! The more the better, and the more specific the better!

I did this for a whole month!

And guess what? During this month, I also affirmed myself in life from time to time.

For example, I cook delicious food, and every time I finish cooking, I give myself a big pat on the back!

And remember, you must do this from the heart for it to be effective!

And that's when I started to change, and I became more and more confident!

(2) Stay away from people who suppress and deny you!

I don't know what the original poster's problem is, but I was just too much under pressure and rejected by my family. So, I made the exciting decision to leave home and start anew!

Physical separation gives me the incredible opportunity to reassemble myself. When I am better, my relationship with my family improves!

In fact, putting down and rejecting others is indeed the way many people get along with others. But here's the good news: we can adapt! We can't change other people, but we can certainly adapt to them.

If we can't avoid getting along with someone, then I choose not to listen. I only listen to my heart!

(3) Accepting yourself is an amazing feeling! And self-affirmation is a great way to get there. Once you've got your self-affirmation down, you'll find you can accept yourself naturally.

Self-criticism is a total energy drain. But you can easily switch gears with self-affirmation!

And the best part is, as you become more confident and practice self-affirmation, your self-criticism will automatically decrease!

I'm so excited to share my personal experience and insight with you!

The most challenging part is figuring out how to do it. I suffered for several years, but now I'm finally calm and at peace!

You have to practice a lot, and in the end, you have to rely on yourself! And it's so worth it!

(Believe in yourself, love yourself, and affirm yourself!)

Hello, I hope my answer is helpful to you in some way.

The host said that when they feel "hurt" by others, they'll lash out, but they feel that their actions will also hurt the other person. So, the whole process is full of fear, irritability, unease, and feelings of remorse...

Why do we have this "flexible thinking" mindset? How can we shift away from it?

I think this is what you're most interested in, right?

First, let's look at why we lash out when we feel "hurt" by others. It's actually a kind of self-protection, which is also called a defense mechanism in psychology.

So why do we develop this self-defense mechanism? It goes back to our childhood. Think back to your childhood experiences. When you felt "hurt" by others, did you have no way to protect yourself and did you end up resorting to violence?

This will keep you safe from harm at that time. Even now, your subconscious mind still believes that this way of reacting can protect you, so you keep using this response pattern.

However, we're adults now, and when we're "hurt" by others, when we feel uncomfortable, we can actually protect ourselves better while also considering the feelings of others.

For instance, "Nonviolent Communication" is a great approach. When you feel like someone has crossed your boundaries, when you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, or when you feel hurt, you can use Nonviolent Communication to express yourself. First, describe the situation without criticizing or blaming. Then, express your feelings: I feel aggrieved, uncomfortable, etc. Next, express your needs: I need your support, your respect, your understanding and recognition, etc. Finally, make a specific request. The more detailed, the better.

This way, you can share your feelings and thoughts, set clear boundaries, and consider the other person's feelings without offending them. You can also encourage them to share their true feelings and thoughts, and to express what they need and want.

This kind of deep communication will help your relationship grow stronger, not weaker, even when there are conflicts.

Once you understand why you act in a cold and violent way, and you can communicate with the other person honestly through non-violent communication, you'll feel safer in the relationship.

Let's talk about your "flexible thinking." On the one hand, you don't accept your cold and violent behavior, but you can't control yourself from acting in this way. Now that you understand that this is a way to protect you, when you see it and understand it, you can accept why you are like this, and then slowly change and develop a better way of dealing with "hurt." On the other hand, you care a lot about what others think of you, and you also value other people's feelings very much. You don't want to hurt others, so you blame yourself and feel uneasy. Regarding this, we can still use the non-violent communication method I just mentioned to try to communicate with others. You will find that they are not as "fragile" as we think, and sometimes they can even understand us. If we can express ourselves sincerely and communicate sincerely, everything will become simple.

So, how do we get out of this situation?

In addition to what I mentioned earlier, we need to recognize our own defensive patterns and use non-violent communication to interact with others. We also need to build our inner strength, transform our thinking patterns, and replace self-doubt and self-blame with self-acceptance and self-care.

It's worth noting that self-doubt and self-blame don't help anyone. They just make us more anxious and self-defeating.

And when you can accept yourself, understand yourself, and support yourself like a friend, you'll see that even with our flaws, we can still do a lot and live a happy life.

It's not easy to be self-accepting and self-supporting. It takes practice. I've written an article with several methods for practicing self-acceptance. You can refer to it here:

1. Make it your goal to accept yourself.

"Self-acceptance starts with a plan," says psychologist Geoffrey Sumner. "It's important that we set a goal for ourselves to transform a world of blame, doubt, and shame into one of inclusion, acceptance, and trust." This idea shows that self-loathing doesn't lead to a satisfying life.

Sambur said, "If I set the goal that a life of self-acceptance is better than a life of self-hatred, then I'll start a chain reaction within me to adapt to a peaceful life."

2. Record your strengths

Write down one of your strengths every day, affirm your own value, and see your own strengths. You'll discover your strengths, and playing to your strengths will make you more confident than correcting your weaknesses.

In today's society, we can make up for our shortcomings through cooperation, and our strengths will show what makes us unique.

3. Get support from your relationships.

Spend time with people who make you feel comfortable, who accept you unconditionally, support you, and love you. Build a supportive relationship with them so you feel more stable, peaceful, and joyful.

4. Have a chat with your best self.

Picture yourself interacting with your best self. Envision that best self of yours deep within you stepping out of your body and looking at your current situation and giving you advice on what to do.

This visual separation will help you move beyond your current self or suffering self, and tap into your inner wisdom to promote healing.

This exercise helps us learn how to be the best parents we can be and to show ourselves compassion and love. You can spend a few minutes meditating and doing this exercise when you're in a crisis or need some guidance or self-comfort.

5. Model the behavior you want to see in yourself until you actually become it.

5. Model the behavior you want to see in yourself until you actually achieve it.

If you don't think you're a valuable person, start by giving yourself value and holding onto that belief. We can only forgive our mistakes and give up the need for approval from others when we can unconditionally accept ourselves.

If you don't think you're a valuable person, start by giving yourself value and holding onto this belief. We can only forgive our mistakes and give up the need for others' approval when we can unconditionally accept ourselves.

We all make mistakes, and so do other people. Our identity is not the same as our mistakes.

If we lack something within, we'll look for it outside. If we can't accept ourselves, we'll especially long for the acceptance of others. But everything in the outside world is unstable. So, we can only gain stable acceptance by turning inward. When we achieve self-acceptance, we won't care so much about the approval and evaluation of others. This allows us to gain true inner freedom.

If we lack something inside, we'll look for it outside. If we can't accept ourselves, we'll especially crave the acceptance of others. But everything in the outside world is unstable. So, we can only gain stable acceptance by turning inward. When we've achieved self-acceptance, we won't care so much about the approval and evaluation of others, and we can gain true inner freedom.

Best of luck!

Hello, host. I can relate to your situation; I make the same mistakes sometimes. The key is learning how to deal with disappointment.

It's possible that the loss and self-blame you experience are a result of your own expectations and desires. It's understandable that you might push yourself in a certain way in the hope of achieving a particular result.

It seems that excessive thinking may be the root cause. While there are some things that can be done to succeed in certain games, it's the feeling of being incapable of completing the task that causes remorse. Thinking may not be the solution in this case. At this point, you may realize your own sense of responsibility and want to complete it, but fail.

I believe the solution is simple: we should avoid rushing things. Why do we do this?

Take a moment to calm down, assess the situation, stop thinking in a way that isn't helpful, and strengthen your motivation to act.

It is not beneficial to blame oneself. This can be seen as a form of positive feedback towards failure. If one succeeds by blaming oneself, it may lead to feelings of happiness and a tendency to continue using this method in the future. However, if one fails, it can result in severe self-blame, internal conflict, and a sense of being unable to catch one's breath. It can also lead to expectations of even more success, which, when one is not fully capable, can lead to doubt and a lack of belief in one's ability to accomplish the task, ultimately leading to failure.

It's not always easy to know whether you'll succeed or fail. We all know that life isn't always plain sailing and that there will be times when we don't succeed. If we don't succeed, we may face some self-blame and loss.

It would be wise to consider the potential consequences of such a cycle, which could be significant.

Once you are aware of the reason, it is relatively straightforward to find a solution.

1. Consider ways to boost your self-confidence and believe in your strength and ability to solve problems. Even when you face challenges, remember that you can rise above them.

2. Consider developing a solution in a timely manner. Reflect on the ways you can enhance your personal growth and turn the "disparity" into a "surplus." Document your ideas, take prompt action, and, in the process, nurture your self-assurance.

It would be beneficial to try to stop loss in time. Perhaps it would be best to avoid over-consumption, as this may not be helpful.

I believe that having confidence can help us overcome challenges.

I believe that targeted action has the potential to address the underlying psychological issues associated with self-blame.

I would be grateful if you would consider adopting it.

Hello, question asker!

First, I'll give you a big hug. You've worked hard, and you're trapped in the internal conflict of wanting to break free from self-doubt and self-blame. I hope my hug can bring you some warmth and support!

It can be tough to accept yourself. What can you do if you want to break free from self-doubt and self-blame?

I think it's fair to say that these kinds of questions trouble a lot of people's hearts, and you've done a great job of expressing yours. I'd like to thank you for trusting the Yiyi Psychology platform and giving us the chance to explore and share together here.

♦️When I feel that I've been "hurt" by others, I'll lash out in a cold, violent way.

❓ When or in what situations do you feel that you've been "hurt" by others?

❓ What kind of cold violence would you resort to? How harmful is it?

How did the other person respond?

❓Do you recognize this feeling of being hurt? Is there anything that stands out in your memory?

From a psychological standpoint, when you feel hurt, it's usually because something inside you has triggered that feeling. It could be the other person, a similar scene from a familiar memory, a similar event, or it could be another feeling.

But the thing is, no one is trying to hurt me. I always think the other person is up to no good. At the same time, my cold violence also hurts the other person. Throughout the whole process, I am scared, grumpy, uneasy, and feel sorry.

From what you've told me, I can see that you're kind, guilty and uneasy. I hug you again!

It also shows me that you're aware of what's going on and that you're able to think things through.

What situations or actions by the other person make you think they're being ill-intentioned? What experiences have you had of being hurt by the other person's ill intent?

What are you afraid of? What bothers you?

What are you concerned about? What are you sorry for?

(The answer to your problem might be hidden behind these emotions.)

I'm really unhappy about this "flexible thinking" of mine, and I feel really uneasy about myself. I don't want to put up with this behavior of second-guessing others anymore either! (It's rude and it makes me panic, especially when my rational mind isn't on track!)

From what you've said, it seems like you have certain standards and a tendency to be self-critical. You're not happy with how you are or what you're doing, and you want to change. But you're stuck.

I'm curious about your "flexible thinking." How would you describe it? Do you think straight thinking is better than flexible thinking?

I'd like to ask everyone how I can overcome this self-doubt and self-blame. Thank you.

You've got a good grasp on things and can reflect on your own situation. You've identified your own issues and know why you're feeling confused. Seeing is the first step to change, and you're already on your way. Well done!

Based on what you've shared, I have a few suggestions for you:

1. Learn to pause. When you realize you've been hurt, whether it's emotional abuse or cold violence, take three deep breaths, leave the scene, or do something else to pause yourself from the original event. If you can, stay with your emotions for a while and see what's wrong with you.

2. Take a look at what happened before you found out. Think about what you did, what the other person did, and how you interacted with each other. Try to see it from a third-party perspective, without judging or analyzing it. Just look at what really happened.

3. Keep in mind what's driving your emotions, what you're hoping to get out of the situation, and how you'd like to be treated by others.

The above 123 may not be so clearly divided, so remember to take a quick pause, even if it's just for a second!

I'd also suggest checking out "The Courage to Be Disliked," "Change Starts from the Heart," and "Rebuilding Your Life" to help you recognize yourself better and change your outlook.

I hope my answer helps and inspires you.

I'm a psychological counselor at Happy Cow. New to the world and I love you?

Hello, Many people have expressed their affection towards you, which I imagine must have helped to calm your emotions and feelings to a certain extent. I must admit that I'm not particularly skilled at reading body language, so I will simply offer you a rational analysis.

You say that you've realized it's not productive to try to read other people's minds all the time, that you want to stop thinking and acting recklessly, and that your emotions are running wild. However, you're struggling to do so, and it's causing you a lot of distress. You're struggling to accept the way you are, feeling anxious and suspicious of others and of yourself.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider some solutions.

If I might suggest, perhaps it would be helpful to break down each inherent process that occurs.

1. You tend to focus your attention on other people.

2. It seems that your thinking has identified what it perceives as evidence that your judgment has been attacked.

3. It would seem that, based on false information and judgments, the emotional brain immediately responds and begins a defensive battle. This method of combat could be described as cold violence, with hostility evident in passive avoidance.

4. The relationship is facing some challenges, and you are feeling quite upset.

5. You eventually realize that the information you received was misinterpreted and that the other person was not at fault.

It can be challenging to find ways to ease the tension in the relationship, and it can take a toll on your energy and self-esteem.

7. You take the time to reflect on your own actions and take responsibility for your own behavior.

7. Could it be that the self that doubts is wrong, the self that is cold and violent is wrong, the self that is anxious is wrong, and the self that doesn't know what to do might also be wrong? It seems that you have been repeatedly denied from beginning to end.

8. You are experiencing significant distress and begin seeking assistance, hoping to find guidance on the best course of action.

Upon initial observation, the aforementioned process appears to exhibit a pattern of self-denial, including the act of seeking assistance. To a certain extent, a more critical interpretation could also be perceived as a denial of one's subjective status and abilities.

If self-reflection is beneficial, could it be that self-condemnation is preventing us from moving forward? Could it be that every time we destroy a relationship, we are trying to repair a relationship that has subconsciously broken down?

Could it be that denying yourself is a way of absolving the subconsciously misjudged sinner of the crime of hurting you?

As you move through this process, you may find that your emotions shift and change. They may include feelings of fear, unease, apology, and guilt. These emotions may reflect a mixture of the inner feelings of both the victim and the perpetrator.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you are taking on the pressure of both the victim and the perpetrator. This can sometimes make us feel confused and helpless.

I believe that carefully considering the above analysis process may help you find the answer. Perhaps you could create an additional position of an outside observer and manage the roles of victim and perpetrator. It might be helpful to return the emotions of anger and injustice that are not your own to the original responsible person who knows the truth and accept and understand their limitations.

Please feel free to disregard any inaccuracies in my personal opinion. Once you have considered the various responses, I believe that we can provide you with substantial support and you will be able to identify a solution that resonates with you.

I truly hope that you can find peace of mind and happiness.

Hello.

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I have carefully read the post, and I can clearly see the pain and anxiety you are feeling.

You have also bravely faced your inner self and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help you better understand and recognize yourself, so that you can adjust yourself and encounter a better self.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts from the post, which will undoubtedly help the poster view themselves from a more diverse perspective.

1. Try reality testing.

The host mentioned in the post that when they feel "hurt" by others, they resort to cold violence. However, it's clear that others did not intend to hurt them, and they always feel that the other person is ill-intentioned. From this information, it's evident that the host is sensitive.

We can also discuss what we can do for ourselves.

You, the original poster, should try a reality check. Ideas are just ideas, and they are subjective.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's true. When we feel that we have been "hurt" by others, we need to ask ourselves: did he really hurt me?

Tell the truth. Have you actually been hurt? Is there evidence to support the idea that someone has hurt you?

Ask yourself: is this an objective fact or our subjective thoughts? If you are sure that no one has hurt you, then you must give up your defense mode and stop being cold and violent towards others.

2. Review your own growth experience.

Your sensitivity is evident in your post. It is clear that you have thoughts and reflections on being so sensitive.

We can understand ourselves through these. We often want to adjust ourselves, but we should understand ourselves first and find out why we are like this.

Then we can make the necessary adjustments to make our adjustment easier. The original poster should review their own growth experience to understand why they are so sensitive.

We respond to other people's "hurt" with cold violence because of our growth experience and upbringing in our early years.

Therefore, we must observe from an adult's perspective and identify any unreasonable beliefs or experiences in our own growth process that have shaped our current selves. If we find any, we must adjust our unreasonable beliefs and heal some of the old wounds.

3. Explore your own internal relationship patterns.

In the post, the host mentioned that you always blame yourself. This is your own internal relationship pattern with yourself. Let's explore together where this pattern comes from.

Our internal relationship patterns are learned later. We can observe the babies around us.

Do they blame themselves? Or do they not?

This is because they lack the knowledge to know themselves. As they grow up, they gradually gain this knowledge through feedback from their nurturers.

We determine whether we are liked, accepted, or appreciated. If they agree with this feedback, we internalize it in our hearts.

This forms our initial internal relationship model. If we don't address the problems and fix them as we grow up, we'll continue to use the initial relationship model.

The host should think about it and blame themselves. Is there anyone else around you who is always prone to blame themselves?

This is something we can all explore for ourselves. When we realize that our own relationship patterns are learned, then we can simply adjust those perceptions of ourselves that are unreasonable to reshape us.

4. Re-parent yourself.

As we have discussed, our initial understanding of ourselves comes from the feedback of our caregivers or significant others. Now that we are grown up, we will examine whether their feedback to us was unreasonable.

We can use our current parenting methods to try this. Or we can imagine what feedback we would give our own children if we were their parents.

This aspect helps us see the irrational feedback that affects us. It also allows us to re-nurture ourselves.

Now that we are grown up, we must take responsibility for ourselves, re-nurture ourselves, and shape ourselves.

I hope this is helpful to you. If you have any questions, click to find a coach for more in-depth exploration and communication.

Good day, My name is Liu Tangxin.

I can see that you are sensitive and always believe that the other person intends to cause you harm. Have you experienced a similar situation previously? Is that feeling a very unforgettable pain?

I extend a gesture of affection by embracing you.

The past incident may have occurred when you were the most vulnerable and inexperienced. At that time, you lacked the capacity to respond effectively, resulting in a lasting impact on your psyche. Despite your lack of intent to cause harm and absence of animosity towards others, you were nevertheless subjected to a painful experience.

As an adult, you should be mature and wise enough to protect yourself. There is no need to resort to violence to face the harm done by others. You can simply end the relationship.

When we lack confidence, we are fearful of being harmed by others. Consequently, we may perceive any discomfort or lack of kindness as a potential threat.

Is there a possibility that she does not like you?

You may wish to consider this approach. My initial response would be to proceed with caution and observe his actions. If necessary, I would then take steps to enhance my personal resilience, given that I am an adult and can protect myself. I recognise that my verbal abilities and physical strength may not be as robust as they once were.

I am capable of protecting myself. I believe I have not done anything wrong. I am kind, intelligent, and capable of doing things that are worthy of others' appreciation. I am willing to approach those who are close to me.

Could you please clarify why you included that statement in your description? It seems unlikely that anyone else would want to cause you harm. It appears that this sentence may be a way for you to determine whether the other person is actually hostile towards you or not.

If you wish to avoid causing distress, you may be informed directly by the other party that they do not wish to cause you discomfort and request that you do not misconstrue their intentions. It is possible to resolve many issues through discussion and the presentation of evidence. How do you distinguish between experiences and continue to accumulate experience, trusting your own judgment rather than assuming that you must first believe that the other party wishes to cause you distress?

Why were you afraid throughout the process? Your fear was rooted in the possibility of being hurt by her actions. Why were you irritable?

Your instinctive response to the three negative emotions of shame, anger, and indignation is to produce these emotions in order to fight back. Why do you feel uneasy? It may be because you feel that you have misunderstood others, or it may be because you are afraid of the harm that others may bring. Why do you feel sorry?

It is possible that you have misinterpreted the situation. It is also possible that you have formed an unfavorable opinion of the other party, which has led you to feel a degree of regret.

It is challenging to manage a multitude of emotions simultaneously. However, your resilience and gradual strength have enabled you to recognize that not all individuals or circumstances will cause harm. This has led to feelings of regret and potentially inaccurate assumptions about others. The evidence suggests that others do not intend to cause harm. Consequently, your ability to cope will improve, and the likelihood of experiencing harm will diminish.

Allow yourself to think in a flexible manner and then encourage yourself to believe that you can handle any situation. Affirm that you are a capable individual and that nobody will want to harm you. This may help you gain greater confidence in yourself and in human nature.

If you are an adult, I believe that to escape this self-blame, you must first start by gradually reducing this kind of doubt. How can you reduce this kind of doubt? First, you must start by believing in yourself and the people around you. The people around you are just words, right? Then you can improve your ability to express yourself, so that in some things you will not suffer from the verbal attacks of others, and you will not be hurt. Even if you do a good job, you can tactfully resolve the conflicts between each other, or the attacks brought to you by others, without attacking others, but only resolving such awkward situations.

My name is Liu Tangxin, and I hope to provide you with a little bit of sweetness.

Dear Sir/Madam, I hope this message finds you well. Please accept my apologies for the delay in my response. I am writing to you today to address a few points that I believe may be helpful to you. Firstly, I would like to reassure you that I am aware of the situation and I am here to help. Secondly, I would like to suggest that you take a moment to calm down and then think about the matter objectively. Thirdly, I would like to suggest that you consider opening up a dialogue with the other party to discuss the issue. I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further assistance.

After reviewing my response, you may wish to take a moment to compose yourself.

I recently discovered that a colleague has a similar issue to the one you described. However, you are more self-aware and actively seeking solutions, which sets you apart from him. I would like to share my observations and experiences with you in the hope that they will be of benefit.

It appears that your defense mechanism may be "cold violence," which may be accompanied by detachment and avoidance. This is a fairly straightforward concept: we all have our own defense responses. When you perceive a potential threat, your natural inclination is to "keep your distance and stay away from the source of stress."

It is important to note that the more often this mechanism is used, the more it is reinforced each time, eventually becoming an "automatic mode." While automatic modes are powerful, they are not unbreakable.

In the event of a recurrence, it is advisable to refrain from responding in an automatic, emotional manner. Instead, take three deep breaths, allow time for emotional calm, and give your mind the opportunity to break away from the automatic response mode. Then, "be aware and observe" and objectively analyze the event and the problem. It is evident from your description that you possess the ability to empathize. By attempting to see things from the other person's perspective, while considering the time difference for delayed impulsive reactions, your rigid behavior patterns may be changed.

- And (if possible and desired), "open communication" is always the best way to proceed. After a cooling-off period, everyone should communicate deeply and honestly. Regardless of the size or nature of the problem, we are usually more willing to listen to the other person's needs when we are calm. In this context, we also hope that you can speak your true thoughts and feelings without judging or evaluating your emotions.

Finally, at the appropriate time, you can investigate the trauma and the reasons behind your own defense mechanisms with the goal of repairing the source.

I have provided a comprehensive response to your query. I hope this information is useful to you. Please continue to share your thoughts and experiences with us.

Hello, I'm Mo Mo, and thank you so much for asking!

I truly believe that you don't want to be cold and violent towards others. You don't want to hurt others, you don't want to be afraid and irritable, and you don't want to second-guess other people's thoughts. This will make you very tired and also feel guilty. So far, your guilt has made you feel pain, and you also want to change. You want to be kind to others and also feel the kindness of others. You also want to have a good relationship with others and feel comfortable with them. People who feel guilty are kind people. They always look for reasons and their own problems from the inside, which also makes them feel very frustrated and stressed.

1. I'm wondering if you're always suspicious of others?

I'm wondering if there's a reason for these suspicions. What are the main areas of suspicion?

I'd love to know why you think that. Is there any truth to it?

If you do, it's totally justified, but it can still be a bit uncomfortable to always be on your guard against people, right? At the same time, do you suspect everyone?

And are there some people who make you feel comfortable, relaxed, and trusting?

Then you can spend more time with these people, which I'm sure you'll enjoy!

2. Go ahead and allow yourself to suspect others!

We all have a lot of thoughts, and that's okay! We can't be friends with everyone, but that doesn't mean we can't have a good relationship with some people. There will always be people we like and people who like us. We can choose to be with people who support us and grow together with us. As adults, we get to choose our friends and avoid or stay away from people when we need to. This means we can surround ourselves with good people and avoid negative, complaining people who blame others for everything. We can choose to be happy and relaxed!

3. I know it can be exhausting to guard your heart, don't you think?

If you have to second-guess people every day, it must be very tiring and stressful. It's totally understandable! You can't relax your guard just to eliminate your own wariness of others. Wariness is necessary. What triggers your wariness? Maybe it's not your fault, but you feel hurt? We should be kind to others, but we should also learn to protect ourselves. It's true that some people are not suitable for contact, or they just want to get close to you for the purpose of deceiving you.

4. If you really want to change, just take your time, my friend.

If you're with someone you like, would you still be on your guard? I don't think so, do you? So be with people who can make you relax. It might be rare, but you can feel it. Be with someone who makes you happy, and be with someone you can relax with. Think of the happy feeling when you think of a friend. Then, they are your best friends. Take your time, let's choose the right friends, good friends, their aura will make you feel at ease, so you can leave your back to them.

Hi, I'm Mo, a student who's quietly learning and searching for the meaning of life. I love the world and I love you!

Our minds are always affected by our habits. We don't want to second-guess others, but we just can't help it. We want to be kind to others, but as soon as we hear a certain sentence or word, see a certain expression or action, it triggers a minefield in our hearts, and we can't help but want to hurt the other person. We always feel like we're hurting each other, anxious and restless, and regret and blame ourselves.

This feeling is pretty awful. It's like there are a lot of black holes in life, and you always fall into them if you're not careful. You want to climb out and break out of this pattern.

Dear, We all have our own way of thinking that we tend to stick to. To break out of this pattern, you can try thinking in the following ways:

1. Distinguish between your own perspective and that of others.

On the one hand, it's their business, whatever they say or do. They have their own way of speaking and doing things. They may do the same to others as they do to me. Separate "I" from the current situation and try to stand on the sidelines to look at other people's words and actions.

On the other hand, tell yourself, "I" am sensitive and suspicious. When you see the real you, there's no need to be afraid. People are human because they can think. The more sensitive and suspicious a person is, the more delicate their mind is, the richer their emotions, and the more developed their nervous system. With the development of technology, human society is becoming more and more complex. Maintaining a high degree of sensitivity can keep us highly vigilant and predict danger. This is a very good physiological response mechanism.

We just need to learn how to make the most of it.

2. Try out more experiments on yourself.

Everyone will experience a lot of disorientation when they leave their comfort zone. It takes courage to try new things. Just like our junior high school chemistry teacher, trying different things can lead to different results.

In our lives, we can also try to do more. For example, when I go out today, I'm going to keep smiling, greet every familiar person enthusiastically and actively, and see what changes I've made and what kind of feedback I get. Maybe I'll feel good all day. Another example is that no matter what people say about me today, I'm just going to ignore it and not take it to heart. I'm going to secretly observe other people's reactions to see how much weight I carry in other people's hearts.

It's like this: try doing all kinds of interesting "life experiments" to experience a different way of life.

3. Read more and brush up on your knowledge.

When we're born, we're like a blank piece of paper, knowing nothing. Over time, we learn to walk and talk, and we also learn a lot of truths. We stumble and grow up, enter adolescence confusedly, and then gradually mature, enter society, and become more aware of the ways of the world.

We're all developing throughout our lives, constantly breaking through our own limitations and improving our own state of mind. By reading more, learning from the wisdom of others, standing on the shoulders of giants, and seeing the wider world through other people's different perspectives, we can improve our understanding of the world and broaden our horizons. You'll see more different landscapes, broaden the scope of your life, and escape the limitations of your ego.

I hope this is helpful. Thanks.

Hello!

I'm an intern on the platform.

You are mindful of yourself. In some harmful conversations, you respond with silence.

You are mindful of yourself. In some harmful conversations, you respond with silence.

You think this is a kind of "cold violence." You've found that sometimes this kind of "harm" isn't really "harm" because the other person doesn't intend to harm.

I want to draw a line with this kind of behavior and welcome a new self.

The first keyword in the question is "self-acceptance." You can share many experiences on this topic, including childhood, family, personal growth, and social relationships.

Is self-acceptance an independent goal? Is the answer yes or no?

We ask for help, see many answers, process them, and finally achieve our goal. External answers play a role, and the answer is "no."

Can you accept yourself on your own? When you've read the other answers, you'll close your phone or computer.

At that moment, you are alone. Advice and methods are like a gust of wind.

Can words be powerful? Do they leave an imprint on your mind?

Are other people's suggestions still other people's? They live in your head.

The answer is yes.

After exploring "self-acceptance," I feel flexible too. We'll address intense self-doubt and self-blame.

My brain is good at making turns. Is there anything wrong with that? It's like the circuits in our appliances. If there weren't circuits, we wouldn't have appliances.

What would we do without them in this heat? We can't do without thinking in complex ways.

Exploring is important, and so is your participation.

I hope that with the help of friends on the platform, I can help you think.

Dear Sir/Madam, I read the original poster's comment and perceived a sense of helplessness and a hint of sadness behind the words. Kind regards,

I believe you understand the reasoning, and it is unnecessary to reason and analyze things here. However, I want to clarify that it is normal to have emotions, and I often accept them with my thoughts, but the emotions remain.

There is no need to force the issue. Emotional fluctuations are physiological, and if you attempt to restrain them, there will be many side effects. I have found that the best course of action is to find a place to be alone and allow myself to express my emotions, whether through crying or shouting. However, I usually summarize myself while writing in my diary, and then I allow myself to cry when I get sad while writing. After crying enough, I continue to summarize and sort things out.

It is not uncommon for emotions to be released after the completion of a diary entry.

Stream of consciousness writing occurs when there is a discrepancy between my emotions and thoughts. As a result, I believe I am able to comprehend the current feelings of the individual who posed the question.

Please share some of the techniques you have used previously to manage your emotions and adjust your state of mind. I hope you will find these suggestions helpful.

#Soothesemotions⭐️

It is important to find a safe and quiet environment where you can express your emotions freely. This may include crying or shouting if you feel the need to do so.

▶️Play your preferred music selections on a continuous loop when appropriate.

▶️ Engage in reading. Select a book that you previously enjoyed and found engaging, and read it if you can do so comfortably.

(Ps: My emergency reading list includes "Forgiveness is Love," "The Power of Intention," and "Prayers for Joy in Life." You may wish to collate these and other relevant books in one place.)

▶️ Engage in a relaxing bubble bath experience. Depending on your preference, you may choose to make a lot of bubbles or add essential oils.

Schedule a meeting with your best friend to discuss business over a meal.

▶️Take time to visit a location with floral displays or small animals, and allow yourself to fully engage with them.

▶️Ensure you get sufficient rest.

...

It is important to note that everyone has a variety of methods for releasing and soothing their emotions. With time and practice, you will be able to identify the most effective approach for your needs and preferences.

It is important to note that it is acceptable to experience a range of emotions and that self-criticism is counterproductive.

In today's challenging environment, it is important to be kind to ourselves and recognize that self-criticism is counterproductive.

We are all here to experience this journey of life. It is important to keep moving towards our goals, but we also need to take a break.

The inclusion of white space between sections of music enhances the overall enjoyment of the piece.

#Adjustment

▶️Review the images that elicit positive emotions. I maintain an album entitled "Moments of Brilliance," which contains photographs that evoke feelings of joy upon mere observation. These images serve as an effective source of inspiration when I am experiencing low moods.

Additionally, the questioner may wish to consider creating a photographic record of their own achievements and successes.

Record your state of mind. I will then go through the events that triggered emotions in a logical manner according to the timeline. Within the scope of what was perceptible at the time, identify what you have gained from this event, where you can grow, and what you want to do next.

I have a personal practice of maintaining a journal. I typically utilize this practice to record and summarize significant experiences, as well as to document instances that elicit a positive emotional response. This allows me to express gratitude for these experiences. Additionally, I find solitude to be beneficial.

It is also an effective method for rapidly transforming my emotions. A diary does not have to be limited to pen and paper. I now utilize a mobile app for my diary, which also allows for the storage of pictures and videos, which is beneficial.

▶️Consider the characteristics you admire in yourself. Engage in a dialogue with this self-image, exploring how you can align your actions with this ideal. Identify areas for improvement and consider how you can bridge the gap between your current state and this ideal self.

Please list ten people and things that contribute to your happiness and contentment. Then, express gratitude for these factors.

It has been demonstrated that individuals who express gratitude and appreciation tend to experience greater levels of happiness and contentment. By fostering an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving, we can attract more positive experiences and opportunities into our lives.

How to alter thinking patterns

Thinking habits are not a metaphysical concept. From the perspective of brain science, they are a habit-forming brain response mechanism with a real and tangible material basis. Therefore, changing thinking habits is actually also reshaping the neural circuits in the brain.

The book The Power of Habit provides an excellent overview of this concept and also summarizes and generalizes many targeted experiments.

Given that changing habits entails modifying the brain, it is essential to maintain consistent effort over an extended period. As with any new habit formation, this process requires time and dedication.

It is worth noting that in some cases, particularly strong stimuli can result in overnight changes in habits. However, this is an uncommon occurrence.

⭐️ Ways to change your thinking habits:

The first step is to replace the existing habit with the new one.

This method is particularly effective for modifying thinking patterns. Replacing established habits with more beneficial ones is a highly recommended approach.

Prayers, chanting, and mantras used in religious contexts exemplify this principle. You may also create your own mantra that aligns with your personal beliefs and values.

For instance, "I am a good person with many good qualities." When a thought arises that you would like to compare, acknowledge it immediately and then repeat your mantra.

The mantra should be a simple sentence with a clear meaning, preferably a complete sentence.

If you are not at ease with self-affirmation, you may wish to consider gratitude as an alternative. This is the most effective method I have found to be effective in the past.

Gratitude is an effective method for adjusting one's state of mind and promoting healing.

My replacement mantra at the time was, "I am grateful for the best of everything that is happening."

You may also find this to be a useful reference.

2. Divert your attention elsewhere.

Should you find yourself engaged in a comparison, direct your attention to your breathing or recall your desired outcome.

The method of positive questioning is also an effective tool for developing a positive mindset. I find this method particularly useful.

3. Direct your attention to the release of emotions.

I have previously utilised this approach and found it to be effective. However, it may not be appropriate for individuals lacking a foundation of awareness. Further information on this method is available upon request.

If you believe you consistently seek to be right without evaluating, list your strengths and weaknesses. Read the weaknesses aloud until you feel tired and note that they are not accurate and some are absurd. Then, review your strengths and write a thank you note after each one.

Please read it a few more times.

Compare the feelings and experiences before and after, and then determine which you prefer. At this time, remind yourself of the saying, "Whatever you pay attention to will surely be strengthened."

It is important to find a balance between accepting your shortcomings and recognizing your strengths. Aim to identify one strength each day and record three things that bring you joy. This process can help you feel more fulfilled and positive over time.

In conclusion, it is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to the original poster.

If you are interested in self-improvement, please do not hesitate to send me a private message. I would be delighted to share my experiences with you and recommend some excellent books on the subject.

Your focus will lead to growth.

I hope you will be able to see more goodness and love in life.

Furthermore, I am particularly fond of the Yixin slogan, which evokes a warm feeling in me each time I see it. I would also like to offer you this:

I extend my warmest regards to you and the world.

Good day, question asker. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

The self-doubt and self-blame mentioned by the questioner may be caused by the guilt experienced when the use of cold violence is employed.

Let us now direct our attention to the phenomenon of "cold violence," which manifests when an individual experiences distress.

Firstly, it can be confirmed that the feelings in question are genuine and that the experience of being hurt is a genuine one. It is likely that this experience has been activated for a specific reason.

Such experiences are likely to be stored in the subconscious, potentially as a result of past events that left a profound impact.

The subconscious mind, which is attempting to safeguard the individual, will persistently urge caution to avoid injury. There is an adage that "what one thinks about most is what one gets most."

I believe this is an excellent way to explain the subconscious.

In such instances, the subconscious mind prompts the individual to avoid potential danger. The question then becomes how to do so effectively. One solution is to utilize what is known as "cold violence," which can serve as a means of self-protection.

It is not the intention to cause harm; rather, the objective is to safeguard oneself. Attempting to relax will result in a reduction of tension.

Should one wish to gain insight into one's own nature, the origins of one's character, and the potential for transformation, it is possible to engage with a counselor on the platform to pursue these inquiries in greater depth.

Hello!

Your title really captures the issue you're facing, and it makes people want to learn more about you.

The questioner has also been consistently and progressively monitoring their emotional state. It's clear that you're aware of your emotions, which is an important step in accepting others more. You're a complex individual with a lot of kindness.

Recently, in the third season of My Little Sister, Korean Jung Soo-yeon, Hong Kong's Ah Sa, Taiwan's A-Ya, and Mainland China's Mao Junjie collaborated on the song "None of Your Business." One line of the lyrics says, "We want to grow sharp edges because we want to become stars."

You ended your message with a thank you and a red heart, which was a nice touch.

Cold violence is just a form of self-protection, and it's not really good or bad in absolute terms.

It's possible that your family upbringing involved some verbal violence, so you may have developed a self-protective method of "cold violence." I agree with you that you want to transform and get rid of some of your temper.

You might also want to be different from your relatives at home because of this temperament. It's not just about genes!

I can see that you respond to each answer. I can tell you have your own way of connecting, your own attitude, and your own choices.

I hope I can support the questioner and help them see the good in themselves.

My view is that your needs are a two-step process.

It's okay to express anger and dissatisfaction. These things are a matter of values, and you shouldn't compromise easily. So, please be patient with your anger.

Avoid provoking anger and choose your own way of confrontation. You can try nonviolent civil disobedience. In a nutshell, your existence isn't about pleasing others, it's about exploring and growing yourself.

Be aware of yourself, but don't be too hard on yourself.

I suggest you watch the movie Inside Out. If you've already seen it, watch it again sometime to cheer yourself up and relieve some of your anxiety.

Wishing you the best!

Hello, I'm Fuchen, and I'm thrilled to be here!

When you feel "hurt," even if others don't really intend to hurt you, you will use "cold violence" in return. At the same time, this cold violence makes you feel guilty and self-blame, because you feel that your cold violence also hurts others. You are wondering how you can get out of this pattern of behavior. From your questions, I can feel your pain, confusion, guilt, and confusion. But don't worry! I'm here to help.

I can feel that you really want to connect with others, and I admire your desire to do so! However, I sense that you are afraid of being hurt. Or maybe something happened in the past that made you feel hurt. People will instinctively avoid situations that make them feel fear, and I understand why. "Cold violence" has become a way for you to protect yourself, but it also restricts your need for attachment in relationships. The most effective way to overcome fear is to face it head-on. Avoiding it will only make the fear that you want to eliminate deepen, so let's face it head-on!

Knowing what you're afraid of is the first step to taking control of your life! When you're aware of old patterns and how they formed, you can free yourself from the endless rehashing of thoughts that comes with being dominated by fear.

Let's ask ourselves a few questions! When we experience cold violence, what people and things from the past come to mind? What words or actions made us feel unimportant or even treated coldly?

Once you're aware of the emotions you feel when you're in a "cold violence" state, you can start soothing your emotions! You can even try talking to your "cold violence" self to hear how many of your needs are hidden beneath the surface. Soothe your true needs and start untangling yourself!

Many of us are unable to recognize our own inner needs. But there's no need to worry! When we feel hurt, we subconsciously adopt a mode of fighting, freezing, running away, or shutting down. The core of these modes is that we have lost our center, given our needs to people and things outside, responded based on what other people say, reacted based on other people's actions, and feel that only in this way will we be loved and accepted. But there's a way out! By bringing everything back to yourself and seeing your ultimate needs beneath your surface emotions, you can help yourself extricate yourself from your current emotional state more quickly.

As you said, you feel hurt, but others are not necessarily hurting you. We can take a step outside the pattern of "cold violence" and see what the real world looks like. We can try it! If I tell him how I feel about being hurt, how will he respond?

I'm really excited to see how things will develop if I speak to him first. And I'm also really curious to see how things will go if I smile at him when he approaches me again.

And now for the fourth step! This is where you allow the "cold violence" pattern to exist and repeat.

I hope you are having a great day! I just wanted to say that the world and I love you!

Good day. My name is Susuzi Tong, and I am a practicing psychologist.

When confronted with a situation that could potentially result in harm,

I empathize with your distress, apprehension, remorse, indignation, frustration, and unease. When confronted with unkind treatment, your initial response is to disengage from the situation, isolate yourself, and disregard the individual in question, thereby preventing further harm. However, your indifference to others will ultimately lead to their suffering and result in a renewed sense of guilt. My instructor posits that you are a benevolent individual who is inclined to invest your emotions in others but also maintains a cautious defense of your self-esteem. Is this an accurate assessment?

Furthermore, the subject displays indications of emotional distress.

When one experiences feelings of hurt, it is natural to associate these feelings with pain and a sense of alienation. It is common to perceive a lack of friendliness from others, particularly when one has consistently maintained positive and supportive relationships. In such instances, there is often a fear of having done something wrong, despite one's best efforts to maintain these friendships. The pain caused by the perceived hurt can lead to a desire for peace and distance, as a means of protecting oneself from further distress.

Furthermore, the subject displays indications of guilt.

The individual in question is observed from a distance, with a certain degree of caution. There is a reluctance to engage in direct communication, due to the perception of ill intentions and a lack of clarity regarding the other person's motives. This leads to feelings of distress. However, there is an underlying recognition that the other person did not intend to cause harm. Consequently, feelings of guilt emerge due to the unjustified suspicion of others.

Indeed, here you have commenced the process of self-awareness, introspection, and personal growth.

Regarding your apprehension

Your aloof and detached behavior towards others evokes a sense of apprehension, stemming from the fear of causing harm to others. You are concerned that your unwarranted suspicion might potentially disrupt the bond of friendship. In truth, you genuinely desire a close friendship with them, yet you are apprehensive that your suspicion might gradually create a distance between you. In essence, the teacher's assessment is that your detached and aloof behavior is a manifestation of your underlying fear of loss and separation. You are acutely aware of a profound fear of separation, are you not?

The following questions pertain to the subject's anger:

What are the thoughts that arise in conjunction with feelings of anger? Is there a tendency to dwell on the inability to love?

Do you consider the possibility of being separated from this friendship? Do you believe that losing this friendship would result in feelings of profound loneliness?

Does this situation make you feel helpless and powerless? (These questions are merely the teacher's analysis.) When you consider this, do you find your emotions becoming increasingly intense and causing you distress?

If the teacher's analysis is accurate, it would be beneficial to identify the underlying causes of the anger.

Furthermore, the subject displays a notable degree of restlessness.

The subject reports a sense of circularity in their thoughts, coupled with an inability to exert control over their emotions. These emotions manifest as a pervasive, disruptive force within the subject's daily life, impeding the formation and maintenance of harmonious relationships.

Is this an accurate assessment?

Regarding your self-doubt

The subject expresses concern about the potential loss of friendships and a desire to connect with others. The desire to be happy and live in harmony with those around them is evident, yet they exhibit nervousness and approach others with caution. They are afraid of not doing well and being laughed at unkindly. However, they recognize that these fears are largely a product of their own worry. It can be concluded that they have identified the source of their fear as a product of their own worry, rather than an objective reality.

When one begins to become aware of themselves

Upon posing a question on this forum, one has already responded to their own doubt, recognizing that no individual is "hurting" them and that no one harbors malevolent intentions towards them. One may experience doubt, a lack of security, or a fear that is buried in the subconscious. One can engage in discourse with a counselor and allow them to accompany them as they become aware of the source of their fear.

Locate the source of the issue and maintain focus on it.

In this context, the world and I extend a positive regard to you.

Hi, I'm a heart exploration coach. I'm here to support you and listen to your story.

Take a moment to recognize the internal conflict you're experiencing. On the one hand, you feel hurt and want to activate your self-defense mechanism, responding with cold violence. On the other hand, you deeply blame yourself for this, thinking that you shouldn't have done this and feeling guilty or even ashamed.

Internal conflict happens when two internal forces are at odds with each other. In a person's mind, what they think should be doesn't match reality. This creates a conflict between what they think should be and what is actually the case.

The root cause of internal conflict in some people and the lack of it in others is related to self-worth. Let's take a look at it one by one.

1. We all have our own inherent patterns.

Our behaviors become ingrained, forming our own inherent patterns—in terms of behavior, emotions, and thought processes. We also bring these patterns into our various relationships.

For instance, your typical response to potential harm is to react with cold violence. It's your thought patterns that lead to such behaviors.

The same goes for patterns in life. The reason you have formed these patterns is that they have helped you in the past. Those patterns you don't like and want to change have been useful to you in the past.

So, how can we change? Well, our lives today are shaped by our past actions, and our actions are influenced by our thoughts. And whether or not we do something is often down to our thoughts.

Our thoughts influence our actions, and when we repeat certain behaviors, they become habits. The first step in making a change is recognizing that we have the power to choose.

From what you've written, I can tell you're aware of these patterns and can recognize your emotions well. That's an important first step in making a change.

2. Every emotion has its roots in an unmet need.

Some injuries are physical, while others are psychological.

From what you've said, it seems like you feel hurt by others, which is a psychological issue. When we feel hurt, we tend to show anger. You're experiencing what's called "cold violence," which is wanting to be angry and defend your rights and sense of boundaries. However, the internal conflict and internal friction that arise tell you that "this is not the way to do it."

Emotions have energy, and there's no such thing as a positive or negative emotion. Anger is typically seen as a negative emotion.

If you let it out, it hurts others. If you repress it and keep it under control, it hurts you.

The best way to manage your emotions is to become the master of your emotions. Anger can be a helpful and protective emotion, but it can also be harmful.

It's a double-edged sword.

It's okay to feel angry, but it's not a good idea to act on it (like by being aggressive). After an outburst of anger, we feel guilty.

Anger is a gift that teaches us an important life lesson, and we can gain energy from it.

Here are some ways to deal with anger:

1. Awareness: Seeing is the first step to making a change, and seeing gives you the freedom to choose.

2. Think about whether you feel hurt or really hurt by the psychological pain caused by your parents when you were young.

3. Look at the deeper emotions of anger and really feel that sense of powerlessness. If it isn't healed, every subsequent anger will trigger this deep-seated anger.

So, when you feel angry, there's no need to beat yourself up or be afraid. Just wait with it for a while, as you would with an old friend, and feel the emotion and the need behind it that you want to have satisfied.

3. Let's take a look at self-worth.

Self-worth is how a person sees themselves. When they were kids, kids who were often affirmed, praised, and approved by important others (usually parents) had a high sense of worth.

However, kids who are constantly criticized, blamed, and rejected by their parents will slowly start to believe their parents' negative views of them, which will make them feel less worthy.

People with a strong sense of self-worth are always looking for ways to improve themselves and tend to have a positive, upward-focused nature.

People with low self-esteem tend to be sensitive and suspicious, easily offended, and may even develop a sense of inferiority. They care a lot about what others think of them, and it can be difficult for them to get along with others. They can often be affected by trivial matters, which can lead to challenges in their relationships.

One of the simplest ways to boost your sense of self-worth is to give yourself positive feedback. Affirm, praise, and approve of yourself, and accept yourself.

If there's only one person in the world who gives you a good review, and it isn't you, who is it? If not now, then when?

A confident person is confident in themselves and also has confidence in the future.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you all the best.

If you want to keep the conversation going, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'd be happy to keep chatting with you one-on-one.