My boyfriend behaves strangely, acting like an ordinary friend when we're out?

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

The topic author is confused by her boyfriend's different behavior at home and outside. She doesn't understand why he makes such a distinction. When they're out, he won't hold hands or do things couples do. But when they're alone, he'll take the initiative to help with heartwarming acts like washing her feet.

What's the psychology behind this? Let's look at the actions of the questioner's boyfriend:

Family values are a big factor here.

We all grow up in different environments and meet different people, so we have different experiences and ideas. For example, in ancient times, women's feet were hidden because it was considered shameful to show them. In some wealthy families, women would go to the doctor, and the doctor would need to use thread to take their pulse to determine physical problems. So, this behavior of the boyfriend may be related to the concept instilled by his family since he was young, and his parents told him not to have intimate behavior when they are out.

This also creates the same illusion for people outside the relationship.

In this relatively open society, people are generally okay with seeing couples engaging in intimate interactions in public, as long as it's not too over the top. People can tell that the two are a couple just by looking at them, but the OP's boyfriend won't do that in public. He'll act like they're just friends. Not only does the OP find this strange, but when other people see you together, they won't necessarily guess that you're a couple, even if you're walking arm in arm.

Does your boyfriend post about your relationship with his friends? If you don't share your relationship with others, it can seem like you're trying to hide it. It can also make it seem like he's more of a single person than he really is.

Since the questioner only gave us a little info and didn't say much about her boyfriend, it's tough to give a solid answer. I can only give some ideas based on what we know so far.

Here's what I think we can do:

1. Talk to each other directly.

We don't know why her boyfriend did this, and the questioner is also confused by his behavior. We can't speak for him, so the questioner can communicate directly with her boyfriend to understand what he is thinking. Hearing her boyfriend's answer in person is better than all kinds of speculation. You can also learn from his answer whether you have ignored yourself, whether you have neglected to understand your boyfriend better, and whether you have only felt your own feelings and emotions at the time without seeing his reasons for doing so.

2. Character issues shaped by the growth process

As I mentioned earlier, there are differences in values between the boyfriend and the questioner. This makes the boyfriend more reserved when it comes to intimate behavior outside the home. He feels that he doesn't have to worry about what others will say when he's with you two together. He also doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not.

It could also be a matter of face. For instance, during his upbringing, someone told him that he couldn't be too good to his partner, otherwise he'd be afraid of his girlfriend/wife. But he has his own ideas. He wants to give his partner the best of himself. So when you're the only two people together, he can show his true self to the questioner and treat the questioner more carefully and thoughtfully.

3. Don't use your own standards to demand the other person do things your way.

It can be tough for two people to go from strangers to recognizing a relationship. You find a way to get along through interaction and adjustment, and this is also an emotional relationship that you manage with all your heart.

The questioner may hope that her boyfriend can also have intimate interactions with her outside the home, but her boyfriend is obviously not used to this and also has his own ideas. This is somewhat different from what the questioner wants. If, after communication, her boyfriend is still unwilling to behave in this way outside the home, there's no need to have any emotional problems. Only if he's genuinely good to you is it actually not a big deal.

Ultimately, we can't force someone else to do what we want. It's important to be tolerant and understanding, especially when we're in a relationship.

I hope this helps the questioner. Best regards.