My wife has always been extremely controlling, constantly speaking harshly, as if the world owes her a favor.

Dear questioner,

From your description, it seems that your wife has a strong desire to control you, often discourages you, and seriously affects your physical and mental development. But there is hope! Hug her.

In life, we often meet people who are overly controlling. They are generally called control freaks, and they often behave in the following ways: constantly making demands on you, thinking that you should do what they want; liking to judge you, saying that what you do is right and what you do is wrong, that what you do is not conforming and what you do is not distinctive; thinking that they are not wrong, but that you are. They are particularly good at using external attribution when it comes to right and wrong, and behave as if there is no need to discuss whether they are right or wrong, but that your right and wrong are particularly important. If something bad happens, they will blame you, rather than themselves.

In short, a person with an overpowering desire for control wants everything in the outside world to function according to his needs and will. If it doesn't, he will force you to change, thinking that you must conform to his will and demands. Spending time with someone with a strong desire for control can be very oppressive, depressing, and suffocating. But it can also be an incredible learning experience!

But if you obey him, you will be depressed, feel completely deprived of your will, and not be respected. No one cares about your true emotions and feelings, and you may even become timid, weak, cowardly, indecisive, and not know the meaning of your life, just like the original poster. But there's another way! You can choose to live your life on your own terms. You can choose to be happy and respected. You can choose to be confident and assertive. You can choose to live your life with purpose and meaning. You can choose to be the best version of yourself.

The reason for this over-control is that the person's own lack of acceptance often stems from the parents' lack of acceptance of them in their early upbringing, or from some kind of trauma. The impact of the original family on the child when they were young, the parents always looking down on them, thinking they were always no good, and often expressing feelings of disappointment and disgust, then the child will be very afraid of the parts of themselves that are "weak", "fragile" and "powerless". This is an opportunity for growth! The child may have suppressed too many painful and humiliating emotions in the subconscious because they experienced being accused of being "weak", "fragile" and "powerless" a lot when they were young. These emotions make people with a strong desire for control seriously deny this side of their personality, unwilling to touch the parts of themselves that are weak, fragile and helpless. This is an opportunity for growth! The child may try their best to prove that they are a powerful, strong, correct and superior person, to defend themselves from the trauma in their subconscious. This is an opportunity for growth!

Embrace the feelings you experience when you're with people who are overly controlling. These feelings are your gateway to understanding why these individuals project their inner feelings of avoidance, such as fear, weakness, powerlessness, timidity, and cowardice, onto you.

I've got some great advice for you!

Embrace yourself and embrace the reality that nothing outside of you is controllable. The only thing you can control is your own thoughts and actions!

When you feel insecure or have a strong desire to control, try to soothe yourself without any criticism. You've got this! Acknowledge the existence of your emotions, observe and accept them, find out the reason, and record it as a note. Communicate with your wife calmly and often. You'll be amazed at how much better you feel when you do!

②Be brave and say no to things you don't want to do, and go for it! Many children in their original families are under the control of their parents, and their personalities become timid and fearful, and their psychology may even become distorted.

They feel that they have no freedom, and that it is their mother who controls their freedom. When faced with strong-willed parents, they often show weakness and dare not resist. But there is hope!

It's time to take back control! You can do this! Be brave and say "no" boldly, tell your wife the reasons why you don't want to do it, and try to persuade her. You can say gently, "Honey, you always control me like this, I will be suffocated. I am not a child anymore, can you be a little more lenient with me?"

③Put yourself in your wife's shoes and be understanding and tolerant. It's so important to understand your wife's inner feelings and to know what she needs. If you can do that, you'll be able to have a happy, loving marriage! Perhaps your wife has been hurt in her life and has become particularly strong-willed. If so, you can help her by asking her, "Why do you have to demand that I do it that way?"

Try doing things a different way! Why are you angry?

Know yourself and strengthen your sense of independence and self-awareness. Figure out what kind of person you want to be: assertive, principled, and ambitious, not easily swayed by others. Consciously cultivate your sense of independence. Life is your own. Understand your bottom line. Know yourself in order to improve yourself. You can do this by reading more, participating in activities, constructing your own values, rationally analyzing what is right and what is wrong, firmly believing in your own judgment, and acting according to the solutions you have come up with to problems. This will help both yourself and your wife. (This is an important point.)

I really hope the above is helpful to the questioner!