People-pleasing personality, strong control desire, how to be a genuine and sincere self?

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused right now, and I'm here to give you a big hug!

It might be that your inner child is still stuck in your childhood.

When you were a little one, you had some disagreements with your mom, and then she would step away from the situation.

And that might lead to a few hiccups when you're all grown up.

It's okay if they get angry and ignore you too, just as your mother did when you expressed your true feelings.

But if you can realize that this is your current pattern, that's already a big step forward!

It's so important to remember that self-awareness is often the first step on the road to healing.

Next time you interact with other people, I encourage you to try expressing your true thoughts.

I'm sure that most people will accept that you have emotions, rather than being like your mother. They might get angry and ignore you, but I'm sure you'll be ok.

I'd love to know how you communicate with your husband when you have a conflict.

I just wanted to check in and see if it's possible that you always start sentences with the word "you," so he feels accused?

I can see that your communication skills could do with a little work, and I think it might be down to your own family of origin.

When you were growing up, your mom probably communicated with you more through accusations.

So, in your subconscious mind, you've just got this mode of communication down pat — it's all about accusation.

I'm so happy you've realized this isn't the right way to communicate. You can definitely change this pattern!

I think you'd really benefit from reading a book called Why Family Hurts by Wu Zhihong.

I really hope the problem you're having now gets sorted out soon.

I really hope this helps! I'm sending you lots of love and support.

I really hope my answer was helpful and inspiring for you! I'm always here for you, and I'm studying hard every day to help you.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too! Wishing you all the best!

Hi there!

Dear Sir/Madam, I am pleased to be able to respond to your query and hope that my suggestions will be of assistance. Kind regards,

From your description, I can tell that you are a very logical and independent person, which is a valuable asset. We can leverage our strengths to organize and regulate ourselves.

In our daily lives, we can promptly identify and address issues in our social, marital, and parent-child relationships. We can actively seek solutions by learning professional knowledge on platforms.

In the current situation, the techniques may not be effective. The issue is that we need to understand that emotional states can be alleviated through learning and cognitive adjustment. For example, if I had a disagreement with someone on the bus today and I am in a bad mood, I can probably learn about simple psychology or some knowledge about emotions. I can then understand that this situation is normal and learn some tips for regulating emotions. This will help me to restore a calm state of mind.

In more serious cases, or when emotions have been accumulated over time, it is not sufficient to simply learn a subject. In such instances, it is necessary to seek the assistance of professionals to intervene and regulate.

For instance, if an individual contracts a common cold and their temperature rises to 37.5°C or 38°C, which is classified as a low-grade fever, they may search online for medical knowledge and learn that for a common fever, they can purchase over-the-counter medication or drink more hot water and rest to improve their condition.

In the event of a serious fever reaching 39 or 40 degrees, the knowledge gained from basic medical training is insufficient for the treatment of a cold or fever. In such cases, it is necessary to seek the assistance of a qualified medical professional.

Similarly, psychological or emotional issues may not necessarily reach the level of illness or be serious, but when effective self-regulation is lacking, timely assistance from professionals is essential.

In regard to the current situation, there are two levels to consider: the first is our own emotional state, which requires adjustment.

The other factor is the parent-child and marital relationship.

We recommend that you begin with psychological counseling. If your husband is willing to participate, you may wish to consider marital and family counseling as well.

The issue of parenting may be the root cause of the problem. There may be aspects of the educational concepts and methods of the previous generation that are no longer applicable, which have led to this situation. We can simply learn some communication skills to better understand how to communicate with our mothers in a way that suits us. If conditions permit, the optimal solution is to engage in parent-child counseling with our mothers to help us better understand how to get along better with our parents.

It is our hope that with self-reflection and the assistance of professionals, you will be able to better regulate your emotional state and avoid any negative impact on your mental health and your relationship with your spouse.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my love and appreciation for the world and for you.

You deserve a hug!

I appreciate you sharing this profound and complex experience. Your family background and distress in adulthood have undoubtedly shaped your personal development. To be true to yourself without hypocrisy and to change the characteristics of a pleasing personality and strong desire for control may require in-depth thinking and a series of positive steps.

1. Self-awareness: Gain a deeper understanding of your own feelings, needs, and values. Identify the reasons behind your emotional responses and behaviors, including how your family background has shaped your personality.

2. Psychotherapy: Get professional psychological help, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy. These can help you analyze and understand past trauma and find positive ways to cope.

3. Communication skills: Learn to express your needs and emotions more effectively, rather than through blaming and complaining. You can build healthier relationships in the family and work environment by improving your communication skills.

4. Emotion regulation: Learn to regulate your emotions. This will help you handle emotional fluctuations better.

5. Establish healthy boundaries. Set clear personal boundaries, communicate your needs, and stand your ground. This will help you maintain balance in your relationships.

6. Family Relationship Management: You should consider communicating with family members to seek understanding and support. This may require professional family therapy.

7. Self-care: Pay attention to your physical and mental health, and make self-care a priority by incorporating exercise, reading, and artistic creation into your routine.

8. Accept yourself: Accept your past and present, understand that everyone encounters difficulties in the growth process, and know that it is not your fault.

9. Couple relationship: You must establish open, honest, and respectful communication with your husband. Discuss solutions together to establish a healthier couple relationship.

This is a long-term process that requires patience and persistence. Seeking the assistance of a professional psychologist will have a positive effect on your personal growth and the improvement of your relationship.

Hello!

From your description, I can tell you're confused. You're good at recognizing your emotions, and it's brave that you're facing this.

Your mother's education and blame made you insecure. You don't know how to release emotions, communicate, or love yourself. This has caused problems with your husband and confusion.

You didn't get enough love and security as a child. Your mother blamed you, so you blamed your husband.

All problems are resources, but we aren't always ready to change. Based on your description, I have some suggestions to help.

First, get help from someone else.

If you don't know how to deal with problems, see a counselor. They can help you understand your subconscious, adjust your perceptions, and give you courage.

Read more psychology books or learn psychology to heal yourself.

Love yourself.

When you seek help for a problem, you are already on the path to change. Being aware of a problem is a kind of awakening. At this time, we need to nurture our needs, give ourselves a sense of security, learn to love ourselves, and become strong inside. This helps us change our mindset and find a way to let love flow, so that we can live a happy and relaxed life.

Learn to express your emotions.

I can tell from your description that you have problems with your mother and husband. You seem easygoing to outsiders, but you need to learn to express your emotions. In an intimate relationship, you need to show weakness. You need to learn to communicate your feelings without emotions. This will help you in your relationship with your husband.

Those who heal themselves are willing to be healed. As long as you don't give up, you can break free from this. What about your problem?

This is a common problem. As the famous psychologist Adler said, some people are lucky and heal from their childhoods, while others spend their whole lives trying to heal it.

They were not loved as children and were not guided or educated properly. This made them sensitive and insecure. We have to nurture our inner children so we can become powerful, love ourselves, and love others.

Dear author, I just wanted to say that your story really touched me. All the experiences you've had growing up, whether it's being blamed, being cold and violent, or now the difficult situation with your husband, have caused you a lot of pain.

I just want you to know that you're not alone, and that lots of people have had similar experiences. You're not weak; in fact, it takes courage to face your problems and want to change.

I believe you are actually a very sensitive and kind person at heart, but some experiences in your upbringing have taught you to protect yourself by getting angry and blaming others. While this approach may make you feel safe in the short term, it will damage your relationships with others and leave you even more lonely in the long term.

Your need for approval and desire for control are actually signs that you crave recognition and acceptance. You're afraid of being rejected and isolated, so you always try to please others in the hope of gaining their approval.

But in doing so, you often ignore your true feelings and needs. At the same time, you try to maintain stability in your life by controlling everything, but this puts pressure on you and those around you and can lead to a sense of entrapment.

I'd like to share a quick story. There was a little girl who was always afraid of the dark and had to hold her mother's hand tightly every night to fall asleep.

One day, her mother told her, "Actually, darkness isn't scary. It's just the other side of light. You can try to accept it, and you might find there are also beautiful things in the dark."

The little girl listened to her mother and started trying to accept the darkness. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly realized that there were some great things in the dark, like the twinkling fireflies and the distant frog croaking.

She stopped being afraid of the dark and started looking forward to every night. This story shows us that we can only truly overcome our fears when we face them head on.

So, dear host, would you also like to try to accept your own appealing personality and strong desire for control? I know it's challenging, but trust me, only when you truly accept yourself can you find genuine happiness.

Take a moment to think about what you truly want. Do you sometimes wish you could be understood, accepted, and loved?

Sometimes, don't you wish you could relax and build real connections with others?

I'd also like to give you some specific advice. First, try to establish some real friendships with people who are willing to listen to you and understand you.

They can help you understand yourself better. When you feel scared or uneasy, you might as well talk to them. They may give you some unexpected advice and support.

Second, learn some methods of emotional management, such as deep breathing and meditation. These can help you regain your composure when your emotions get out of control.

When you're feeling angry or anxious, try taking a few deep breaths to relax. You'll find that it helps calm your emotions and lets you think more clearly.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself or others. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Learning to accept and tolerate others will make your life easier and more enjoyable.

When you or others make mistakes, try to deal with them calmly. This helps solve problems and builds mutual understanding and trust.

In short, you're a brave and strong person. I believe that if you're willing to try and work hard, you'll be able to overcome your problems and become a more authentic and happier person.

Stay strong! And remember, no matter what challenges you face, don't give up on yourself.

Have confidence in yourself and your future, and you'll be able to overcome your challenges and embrace a better life.

Hello.

Your mother was very critical and accusatory. When you were little, you were often beaten and scolded.

The mother told the neighbors why her child was disobedient. A mother like this is "unlucky."

Children don't like hearing how good other kids are. They're compared to other kids based on hearsay. This hurts their dignity and self-esteem.

If you get angry at your mother and lash out, she will ignore you. This is also unbearable for a child.

Your mother was always in charge, which hurt your feelings. You didn't know what you did wrong, or how to fix it.

No matter how hard you cry, your mother doesn't respond.

You couldn't get your mother's warmth or feel her love. You often felt her coldness and ruthlessness. These wounds and setbacks hurt even when you grow up.

This kind of hurt takes a long time to heal.

As you get older, you never dare to express your true thoughts. If there is a conflict, you are afraid that the other person will get angry and isolate you, just like your mother did.

You're a people-pleaser. This makes people afraid. You don't understand your emotions or how to express them. You feel depressed and self-suppressed.

You're an adult with your own family. You and your husband are too similar to your mother.

You often accuse your husband. You have become the "mother" in your family, the one who complains and has a terrible temper. Your husband has therefore distanced himself from you.

You don't want to drive your family away or be a hypocrite.

You want to be true to yourself and have harmony in your family and relationship.

You know yourself well and can see your own part of the problem. We all hope to grow in our relationships and that our partners can help us out of difficult situations.

But this requires professional help, which your husband doesn't have. You could try going to a counselor. They may be able to help.

From a psychoanalytical perspective, you have identified with your mother in reverse. You have adopted her controlling behavior.

You grew up with a lot of criticism and finger-pointing. You resisted, but you learned it perfectly. Criticism and finger-pointing are familiar to you.

You don't know how to be gentle, tolerant, and accepting in relationships because you didn't feel warmth and love.

Change starts with self-awareness. Change is also difficult and slow.

The first thing to do is to help the child who has been hurt. Hold her, comfort her, and make her feel safe and warm.

Get to know a counselor. This will make you feel good.

You don't need to pretend to be someone else or be afraid. Just be yourself. You are safe.

Intimacy is not like war. In war, one side wins and the other loses.

Intimacy is a place to show love. It is a way to show someone you love them and yourself, while also letting them love you.

It seems easy, but it's not. You still need to practice a lot to be more flexible and appropriate in life and make intimate relationships more harmonious.

Open your heart, accept love, and be yourself.

Dear questioner, I'm here to support you.

You were treated wrong by your mother since you were young. You married hoping to get along with your husband, but you complained about his faults. You want to be your true self and are determined to change. I applaud you for this.

As a child, you often cried alone or in your quilt before bed. It was hard to fall asleep with tears on your pillow. You wished your mother understood you. She accused you daily. Even now, you are still criticized and blamed. I don't know how you survived.

I was trapped in a cycle of fear and sadness. I cried and sulked, overwhelmed by my emotions. I tried to be nice to strangers, but I took out my frustrations on my husband, feeling like he didn't protect me. Release your pressure internally. Don't let your husband become an outlet for your emotions.

You want to be the perfect parent, and you project your parents onto your husband, hoping that he will understand and accept you. Your husband can only play on his phone, and he feels distressed and helpless. You can sense this, and this is the beginning of change.

Some parents are afraid their children are inferior. They try to prove themselves by having their children excel. They think that if they point out their children's mistakes, their children will change.

Children need their parents to support them. Your mother ignored you and left you desperate. She is still a child who has not grown up. You have given her so many chances, but she cannot perceive it. She still thinks she is right and wants to defeat you. In the face of family affection, there is no right or wrong. Love is the cure for problems.

You feel disappointed when your mother wins again and again. You blame yourself, thinking it's your fault. You want to please her, so you suppress your feelings and keep compromising. But inside, there is so much anger.

How many days have you spent in fear and worry, with no one to support you? You think you are unqualified and just an observer. You agree with your mother and cooperate with her.

You've lost yourself, your heart is broken, but you smile for others. You want support, or you'll die. When you return home, you're true to yourself and give your husband a hard time, releasing the pressure inside you.

You need to be recognized just like your mother. She cannot change, so you have to. You are the hero who cuts off the family. This pattern of getting along is too painful. Blaming and attacking each other creates fear in both parties. It's time for a change.

First, resolve your own grievances, gain balance, satisfy your own needs, and make yourself rich so that you will not be influenced by others. You are not wrong. You can be different from your mother, say what you want, and express your needs.

If you keep making the same mistakes, you'll never change.

Love yourself. Find friends to talk to. Get help. Let go of your problems. Let your emotions flow. Thank yourself.

Bless you.

Hello, dear thread starter! I'm sending you a big, warm hug and I hope you feel some love and support. I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

Absolutely! Our current patterns are related to our early experiences. When you were a child, in your original attachment relationship, in your interactions with your mother, you were afraid to express your true thoughts because you were afraid she would get angry, and even more afraid that she would ignore you. This was such a big blow to you, and it left you feeling scared and unable to move on. You would fall asleep with salty tears, and wake up still feeling sad. Does this not sound familiar? It's the same feeling as when you face conflict as an adult, and in the end you cry and stay immersed in your emotions, unable to move on. The reason we react in this way and have these patterns when dealing with others, and have these emotions, is because our childhood complexes have not been resolved. These are called "unfinished events". We need to deal with these past emotions. When these emotions are released, it will naturally feel like expressing the real you.

I'd love to share some advice with you:

1. Understand yourself. Your mom's accusations don't mean you're not good enough. You can be true to yourself without having to please others. And you can still gain the love and appreciation of others.

We can see how past experiences have shaped us and why we're so good at relationships now. It's actually a protective mechanism that we developed based on our own growth experiences. Just imagine if you didn't please your mother, you'd definitely suffer more harm. So, to protect ourselves, we used the pleasing defense mode to help us survive better. Pleasing has actually helped us in the past, but now that we've grown up, this defense mode of ours seems to be less applicable, and it may even cause us a lot of trouble. So, we need to upgrade our defense mode!

Mothers are not perfect beings, and that's okay! They have limitations and are imperfect, just like we all are. They have emotions, and they pass them on to you. But you don't actually have to take on these emotions, nor do you have to identify with their accusations that you are not good enough and don't deserve to be loved. It's also important to remember that people who really like you will still like and understand you when you show your true self. On the other hand, people who don't like you won't necessarily like you even if you try to please them. So, let's just be our true selves, and we will naturally attract people who really understand and like us! As for people who have a negative and aggressive attitude towards themselves, we don't have to please them either. These are relationships that drain you, and you should cut them off. Spend more time with people who can support and nourish you, and you will become more confident and joyful!

2. You can use some lovely methods to heal past wounds and release pent-up emotions. This will help your inner self become more and more harmonious.

There are some great books out there that I'd highly recommend, such as "Embrace Your Inner Child" (written by Krishnananda and Armanda), "Reconciliation with Life", "Accepting Imperfect Self", "When You Start Loving Yourself, the Whole World Will Love You Back", and many more! It's so important to recognise and accept the vulnerable, helpless self. When we do this, we can start to heal. There are also some brilliant exercises on the platform that I'd love to share with you. The pocket exercises "Destroying the Pleasing Personality" and "Enhancing Self-Worth" are particularly effective and inexpensive. You can also learn some related courses, such as the self-love course taught by the wonderful Zhou Fan. There are also lots of ways to release these repressed emotions, such as talking to a professional counsellor or a psychological listener, or to someone else who can give you support and understanding. All of these can have a very good healing effect. You can also keep a mood diary and use writing to release internal pressure. You can draw a mandala and heal yourself in the process of drawing...

3. Love yourself well, my dear friend. You are worthy of love, and when you start to love yourself, the whole world will come to love you!

We can't change the past, our mothers, or our husbands. But we can learn to be our own inner parents, love ourselves well, and believe that we are worthy of love. How do we do this?

There are so many ways we can learn and practice loving ourselves! Here are just a few:

When you love yourself, you don't push away the parts of yourself that others might call "bad." You embrace the real you, the imperfect you, and all your wonderful imperfections.

Be your own "inner parent" and take full responsibility for your life, rather than passing it on to others. Being your own inner parent does not mean spoiling yourself, but rather embracing yourself completely. However, it also requires discipline and rules, which is being responsible for yourself.

Be your own inner child, and have a good, honest look at yourself. Don't be afraid to face the "shadow" part of yourself.

Be your own best friend! Listen to yourself, empathize with yourself, and encourage and support yourself.

Be your own partner, and remember to trust, appreciate, love, and never give up on yourself!

Practice makes perfect! Over the years, I've found that continuous practice has benefited me greatly. And I've discovered something else, too: when I start to love myself, the whole world will come to love me!

Practice is so important! Over the years, I've found that continuous practice has benefited me a lot. And I've also discovered more and more that when I start to love myself, the whole world will come to love me!

I hope this is helpful for you! Sending you lots of love!

Hello! I'm Coach Yu, and I'm excited to discuss this topic with you.

Behind every adult's story, there is usually a wounded child lurking. This is an amazing opportunity to heal! The emotional setbacks and disillusions experienced in the relationship with parents in childhood will be reconstructed in negative transference. This is a chance to transform the trauma into something positive. It is an opportunity to heal from the pain of abandonment or betrayal that remains in the heart, an extension of the impulses that were once rejected or suppressed.

As the questioner wrote, when I was a child, my mother always criticized and blamed me. As an adult, I am excited to learn how to express my true thoughts when interacting with others! I am ready to extricate myself from my fear and panic.

Our parents are our first teachers, and their feedback and behavior during our childhood shape who we are today. If our parents say we are not good enough, keep criticizing and blaming us, or even ignore and abandon us, we will feel ashamed inside, thinking that we are not good and that we are definitely incompetent. But we can turn this around! By recognizing these patterns and understanding their impact, we can free ourselves from the self-blame and self-attack that intensify the feeling of shame, which in turn makes our inner child increasingly fearful.

The basic fear of abandonment and loneliness is perhaps the most frightening of all fears. But it also presents us with an incredible opportunity! It forces us to create an acceptable false self to show to the outside world, and to imprison the unacceptable self in the darker corners of the heart.

As the questioner wrote, I find it particularly interesting that she pulls a long face at me and says cold violence if she can't convince me. I feel excited and particularly curious. I'm not sure what I've done wrong, but I'm excited to find out!

Once we understand the trauma of our inner child, we can start to heal and become stronger!

In fact, there's a really interesting connection here. It's often our emotions that make us vulnerable in the present. They're linked to our inner child, who may have been hurt at some point.

Our childhood fears were not properly seen and soothed. But here's the good news! Once we encounter a similar situation in reality, it will activate the inferiority at that time, which will in turn cause various negative emotions such as worry and fear, and even some physical reactions. And we can choose how we react to these emotions!

Childhood experiences may have caused us some harm, but we can rely on our own strength to see the helpless and lonely self from the past, accept the self that was unloved, and strive to reconcile with ourselves. And we can do it!

So when we sense those negative emotions of fear and dread, we can take three deep breaths and say to ourselves, "It's not my fault!" and let the emotions flow.

Another great way to work through things is to record what you're feeling in the moment. Your writing is just for you, so feel free to write about your feelings honestly and openly. This is a fantastic way to understand the origins and effects of our emotions, as well as identify the root of the problem.

We can open our hearts and find a suitable opportunity to talk to our mothers about our childhood. It's a chance to move forward together and improve our parent-child relationship. It can also help us reconcile with the past.

We can also have soulful communication with our husbands! We can honestly express our thoughts, apologize to our husbands, and at the same time listen to how our husbands feel when they are with us, and listen to what they expect from us. Communication can not only help us to release our emotions, but also enhance our intimate relationship!

We can also seek help because it's okay to ask for help! If this bothers you, it's not easy to overcome it immediately. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor because emotions must be released to relieve the heaviness and blockages in our hearts.

We also try to learn to love ourselves, starting by treating our bodies well. We tell ourselves that we have grown up, that we have the strength and ability to protect ourselves, that we can affirm and satisfy our own needs, that we can express and communicate our own thoughts, and that we can accept and appreciate our imperfect selves. Other people's opinions are just a minor incident. It's time to look inward, hug our inner child, and become our own inner parent! When our core is stable, we will find the eye of life for ourselves, as well as the eye of love, and of course the eye of living a happy life.

I'm so excited to recommend this amazing book: Embrace Your Inner Child!

Dear friend, I can feel your inner struggle and pain. It is a very normal reaction to feel confused, hurt, and angry when faced with such a formative experience. Your experience may have left you feeling unsupported and misunderstood by your mother's criticism and accusations.

Your heart is full of fear of rejection and misunderstanding, which makes you hesitant and afraid to express yourself.

"Internalization" is the process by which an individual transforms the expectations and demands of the outside world into their own internal beliefs and behavioral norms. In your case, your mother's criticism and accusations were internalized as your own expectations of yourself. This has led you to be afraid of expressing your true self and afraid of conflict and rejection as an adult.

Furthermore, the term "projection" you mentioned refers to the tendency of an individual to project their emotions, desires, or conflicts onto others. In your case, this manifests as your criticism and accusations towards your husband. You are unconsciously trying to deal with your own insecurities and fears in this way.

You know these patterns of behavior have a negative impact on your life and relationships. This is the first step towards self-awareness and change. Your desire to change and become a more authentic version of yourself is very courageous.

You must understand that these patterns of behavior are not your fault. They are simply part of your upbringing.

We must learn to accept ourselves. When fear and anxiety strike, take a deep breath.

Telling yourself, "It's not my fault!" is a form of self-healing that frees you from the abyss of self-blame and allows emotions to flow rather than be suppressed.

Record your feelings as if you were having a conversation with yourself and face your inner self honestly. This will help you understand the source of your emotions and find the crux of the problem.

Communication with a loved one is an essential tool for untangling emotional knots. Reflecting on your childhood with your mother is not about assigning blame; it's about gaining insight, understanding, and repairing relationships.

In this process, we can and should get to know our mothers better. We can also revisit our own growth process and find opportunities for reconciliation. Similarly, communicating with your partner's soul not only releases inner pressure, but also deepens mutual understanding and promotes the development of intimacy.

Seeking help is the best way to deal with these emotions when we find it difficult to do so on our own. Talking to a trusted friend or seeking guidance from a professional counselor are both effective ways to release emotions and relieve stress.

In this process, you will receive emotional support and learn more skills to deal with emotions.

Caring for yourself is the key to self-growth. Every step, from treating your body kindly to affirming your needs, expressing your true thoughts, and accepting your imperfect self, is a footprint of self-growth.

We must become our own inner parents, embrace the child within, and give ourselves love and care. We must face our inner fears bravely, embrace the once lonely self with love and courage, and welcome a better tomorrow.

You've got this. Change is a gradual process, so give yourself some time and space. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are reasonable, and your experiences are worthy of understanding and respect.

I am certain that through continuous effort and exploration, you can find your own happiness and truth.

Read these books: "Nonviolent Communication" and "Emotional Intelligence."