Should I divorce my husband, who is critical and hyper-rational?

In regard to Mr.'s present communication style:

Mr. has a tendency to become verbally abusive when he feels his authority is being challenged. He has also resorted to name-calling and accusations of mental instability when I have attempted to communicate with him. Despite my efforts to engage in constructive dialogue, he has consistently interrupted or resorted to yelling or logical reasoning to silence me.

Dear Sir/Madam, Good day.

My name is Kelly.

I can appreciate that your husband's communication style is confusing to you, but I commend you for your efforts to communicate.

"People are like an iceberg. The visible part is only the tip of the iceberg, and the greater part, which is hidden deeper, is the person's inner self."

Please allow me to share some information with you.

In the 20th century, family therapy expert Virginia Satir put forth a framework for understanding the various communication styles present in family dynamics.

These communication styles were later used to broadly understand the way people communicate and express themselves in the world.

Those who blame others in conflict situations may say things like, "It's all your fault."

Individuals with a super-rational mindset tend to disregard their emotions and prioritize principles. In the event of a conflict, they may suggest a systematic analysis to determine the root cause of the issue.

Individuals who interrupt will avoid conflict and utilize humor, change the subject, or employ other methods to "resolve" it. In a conflict, they will act in a manner that suggests a belief that no one is wrong and that humor can be used as a means of diffusing the situation.

If your husband is as you have described, he may have a tendency to interrupt or to present logical arguments. In a previous session, the instructor noted that he appears to be both eloquent and charming, with a tendency to interrupt, as well as logical and clear-cut, with a tendency toward super-rationalism.

It is important to note that no one is aware of the internal struggles he is facing, and he is unable to address them independently. He has reached a point where he is unable to confront his issues and has resorted to a path of self-suppression, which is not a sustainable solution.

Let me share my experience. I possess a pleasant personality, but I also feel insecure and fearful. When I was a child, my mother did not express much affection towards me, which made me particularly sensitive as I grew up. I strived to please others while experiencing personal distress, and simultaneously attempted to demonstrate my capabilities.

It is therefore evident that the parenting style of the original family is a significant factor in shaping a person's personality. If you wish to support your husband, it is crucial to understand his suffering, communicate with him effectively, and address the underlying issues.

[About the original family]

You have indicated that his family members exhibit these characteristics and take pride in them. Based on this information, it is unlikely that he will undergo a significant change in the future.

If, as you have indicated, his family operates in this manner, it is likely that your husband has unknowingly internalized this mode of interaction and has become accustomed to it. It is probable that he does not perceive any issues with it.

I recommend that you initiate more communication with your husband to gain a deeper understanding of his perspective. Once you have established this foundation, you can then address the concerns he has about his upbringing in the original family and ascertain whether he fully endorses his parents' communication style.

When you accept, tolerate, and do not engage in conflict with his emotions, and are not "provoked" or "angry" by his communication style, allow him to experience your affection, and observe whether he exhibits a slight shift in behavior.

As the ancients wisely observed, it is essential to understand oneself and one's opponent.

It is not uncommon for couples to become confused by minor issues due to the close nature of their relationship. I have gathered some information that may be useful for you to gain a better understanding of your husband's interruptive behavior.

(The following information is from the Internet.)

The following characteristics are associated with interrupting behavior:

Body Sculpture Posture:

In a passive distraction, the individual turns away from the situation, avoiding direct engagement or response.

An aggressive interruption is characterised by the following: - The individual is standing but hunched over. - Their knees are inward. - Their palms are facing up. - Their arms are extended. - Their head is tilted to one side. - They are swaying. - They appear careless.

The following are common behavioral manifestations:

Excessive activity or lack of activity, withdrawn and silent, insensitive, seeking attention.

The following feelings are common:

The individual displays a lack of genuine emotional expression, exhibiting high levels of sensitivity, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, emptiness, fear of losing control, vulnerability, and confusion.

Inner Journey:

If you are unable to communicate with me in a normal manner, you will no longer be able to hold me responsible for my actions and will therefore have to forgive me.

*There is a lack of appreciation for my contributions, a sense of being undervalued, and a perception of my existence being inconsequential. I experience feelings of nervousness and anxiety, and a lack of motivation to continue.

The following are common physical effects:

The following symptoms have been observed: neurological disorders, digestive disorders, gastrointestinal disorders, nausea, diabetes, migraines, dizziness, accident proneness, balance and coordination problems.

The following psychological effects are common:

The individual may display confusion, incongruity, psychosis, autism, confusion, inappropriateness, poor control of actions, lack of empathy, obstruction of the rights and interests of others, and a learning disability.

Resources and Strengths:

*Humorous and playful. Interrupters prefer to operate outside the established norms and can be unpredictable in their approach, often employing humor to break the ice.

*Spontaneity and creativity. Those who interrupt tend to have a diverse range of thought processes and can be highly creative.

Dear Questioner, We hope that these resources will provide you with a better understanding of interrupting.

You have already identified some of the issues between couples, and as you gain experience, you will gradually develop a different perspective. There are also numerous communities on Yixinli where you can learn more and become involved. You are also welcome to discuss and exchange ideas with us.

I recommend the book "Nonviolent Communication," which you can give to your husband. Learning together is an effective way to improve our relationships.

Let us leverage psychological insights to enhance our joint endeavours.

Hello, I'm Zi Ding Ya Xiang. It's fate that we've met, and I'm here to help you solve your problems.

From what you've written, it's clear that your husband yells at you over the smallest things. If you don't agree with him, he calls you weird and crazy. He uses a dogmatic and reasonable approach (his own logical reasoning) to suppress you. This makes you feel suffocated, oppressed, and aggrieved by life.

First, I'm going to give you a big hug from afar.

I will help you sort out the current situation.

Tell me, what kind of issues does your husband like to discuss with you in this way?

For example, let's talk about the arrangement of family life.

Let's talk about financial matters.

Tell me, what topics does he discuss with you regarding your parents?

Tell me, what about the education of the children?

Or is this how he treats you about everything in life?

If your husband's communication style is so male chauvinistic, then there is no room for you to speak. You need to bring your husband to a psychologist to find a professional teacher to try to change the situation.

Change your perception of marriage.

You can't solve a problem by getting a divorce. Find a breakthrough from other aspects of the problem.

1. The questioner should find areas of agreement with her husband, accept them, and start a family. There must be something that attracts each other, so she should amplify the points of attraction and make herself more confident and attractive.

2. When your husband calms down, you need to communicate with him. Use respect and love to influence him.

Let him perceive and respond to you.

3. If you can't find a way forward, respect the decision and choice of the original poster. Your own physical and mental health is your priority.

Take care of yourself, and your family will be better off!

The questioner will find a way out of this marital predicament and see the rainbow after the storm!

Hello!

I'm here to give you a big hug because I can see that you're having a really tough time communicating with your husband. It seems like he gets angry or lectures you about things that don't really matter, without taking your feelings into account. I know it can feel really disappointing, to the point of even considering divorce. It's so hard to form strong feelings like that in just one day. I can only imagine how many times you've felt this way in your daily life before you came to think of divorce.

I know it's tough, but I still suggest that you be careful about getting a divorce. Take a moment to think back and ask yourself why you chose him in the first place. Did he have other good qualities or characteristics? I believe there must have been something about him that attracted you, and that's why you decided to marry him.

I'd also like to mention that the above information doesn't give us a complete picture of how you and your husband communicate with each other. There's no other information about your husband, so I can only offer some suggestions on communication. I really hope they'll be helpful to you!

❤️1. Have you been able to communicate effectively?

It's so common for people to struggle with communication in their lives. We all want to express ourselves, care about our feelings and thoughts, and hope that the other person will immediately agree with us after listening. But this often means that we don't really try to understand the other person's feelings.

It's so hard when communication becomes ineffective and problems just seem impossible to resolve. I'm sure you can relate to this. The questioner can recall the following process of your communication. Is it like this? I believe you will notice something.

❤️2. Let's rediscover and establish effective communication!

The heart of communication is to show empathy for each other, while finding real solutions is the key. From what you've shared, it seems like the other person wasn't listening, was reasoning, and was suppressing you. In return, you were yelling, interrupting, and reasoning. It's possible that neither of you got what you needed, which might be why there were arguments.

We're all different, with our own experiences and environments, and our own ideas. So, it's pretty much impossible to agree on everything just by talking. The best we can do is try to find a happy medium by understanding each other's points of view.

The questioner also mentioned that there's not much chance of him changing, so it might be best to focus on making some adjustments yourself first. When you're communicating with someone, it can be really helpful to try to listen to them first and put yourself in their shoes. This might be a great place to start!

I really believe that when he feels your understanding, he'll slowly become soft and learn to understand the people around him. It's such a positive cycle!

?3. Make sure you're as strong as you can be, and don't let other people's emotions affect you.

If you can't swim, try going to a different pool. You might find it's just as good! By changing people, you can achieve your expectations, and the outcome may be better or about the same as now. Seeking outside, if you don't get it, you may let yourself down and suffer, because everything is impermanent, and the key to the problem may still be within ourselves.

I really think that the questioner can learn to care for themselves, enhance their inner strength, and not place their emotional switch in the other person. I truly believe that when we are full of strength and love, the atmosphere around us will also become peaceful and relaxed, and good people and things will gather around us.

I just wanted to share this with you in case it helps. I really hope it helps the questioner. You can do it!

Hello, dear friend! I am a proud person who doesn't look for trouble.

I can see that you are opening up and worrying on the platform. It's so hard when your marriage is struggling, isn't it? You say that your husband loves to accuse, has a bad temper, is stubborn, and loves to yell at the slightest thing. It can feel like your husband is always right, and his family members are also like this. You feel that there is no way he will change in the future. I can see how confused and at a loss you must feel as to what you should do.

It's so important to have a marriage where you understand each other, respect each other, and support each other. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem to be doing that. It's okay for him to have different opinions and to express his frustration, but it's not okay for him to accuse and complain about you. It's also not okay for him to have such a bad temper and to yell and scream at you all the time. He's also very controlling and often suppresses you. It must be really hard to live in such a marriage! I'm sending you lots of hugs!

Before we get to the good stuff and start solving the problem, let's take a moment to analyze the personality traits of the "blame type" and the "super rational type."

Personality traits:

? Accusatory

"It's all your fault," "It's all because of you," "It's your fault," "It's not me," "What the hell are you doing," "Can you be normal," "You're annoying," "Can you stop," etc.

People of this type are relentless in their words, never failing to accuse or complain, and they always seem to be in the right. This communication style is not conducive to problem solving and can easily escalate into conflict. The person speaking just keeps on pointing the finger and getting angry, but the person listening feels bad about it. If the listener has a good temper, they can pretend they didn't hear anything, but if they have a bad temper, they are bound to argue.

? Super rational

"You know, it would be great if you could be a little more reasonable." "I'm sure you'll be reasonable, okay?" Everything is based on what I say.

This type of person likes to reason and talk sense. They may seem very calm and collected and seem to have no problems, but this type of ultra-rational person is actually very cold and ruthless at heart. It can be really tough to feel like your sadness is of no importance to them and that they can be completely indifferent. Over time, this can also make the other person feel cold.

Your husband has both of these traits, which can really drive someone crazy. It's really quite a unique experience, but you're in this together, and you'll get through it.

I know it can be tough, but try to communicate calmly.

It's so great that you two have managed to get together! It just goes to show that there's some kind of fate between you. I don't know how you got along before, but did you know from the start that he had such a temper? Or did he slowly become so hot-tempered? Since you knew from the start and chose to get together, why can't you stand it now, all of a sudden?

Communication is the bridge. You can try to communicate calmly with him. When something happens, don't directly confront him, but communicate clearly. If there is really a misunderstanding, just explain it in time. Don't add fuel to the fire when he is angry. People with this kind of personality can't be bullied, so try to remember that when you're talking to him.

[Analyze the reasons behind the behavior]

You said his family is similar in character. You know, it's really tough to change people's characters. But you're his wife, so you've got to try to be patient and figure out why he gets so angry and yells so easily. Is there something he needs that he's not getting? Or is there something about you that he doesn't like?

Is there ever a time when you are calm? It would be really helpful for you to try to find the real reason behind it, understand it from the root, and see what exactly makes him so hot-tempered.

Love is the best weapon, my dear.

If you still have feelings for each other, try to understand him. He must have been angry about something, so try to find out what it was and resolve it. I believe that it is impossible to stop loving someone just because they lose their temper. Most people lose their temper when they are anxious about something and yell and scream. I would rather believe that he is just impatient, but that he loves you very much. You just have to take your time and feel it.

It's possible you're being a bit too picky and not thinking straight. Try being patient with him, communicating well, and guiding him to express his emotions and demands properly. It's likely that he's troubled by negative emotions. If you don't help him, who will? Of course, if he doesn't care about you or pay attention to you, you can just ignore it. No one wants their family to be unhappy, and no one gets married with the intention of getting divorced.

[Establish a sense of boundaries]

A controlling personality is someone who gets upset easily. At this point, you have to decide whether you want to stay with someone who gets upset or doesn't love you. Only you can answer this question. Some people just don't know how to talk nicely, but they love you. Some people have loud voices, but they love you.

Some people just love to reason, and they love you too!

In the future, it would be really helpful for you to learn to establish a sense of boundaries in your relationship. Try to mind your own business and don't interfere in things that don't concern you. It would be great if you could respect each other and give each other some space and distance, so that you don't get tired of being together.

It's so important to learn to live in harmony!

If you don't want to get divorced easily and he isn't likely to change for the better, I really think you should try to get along harmoniously in the future. Learn to respect each other. It's so hard to change other people, so you might as well try to change your own mindset. I really believe that could lead to a silver lining!

I really hope my answer helps! Sending love to you all from the world and me ?

Dear Sir/Madam, I note from your correspondence that you feel your husband is critical, has a bad temper, and is used to communicating by shouting and reasoning. His family also uses this communication style and is proud of it. This makes it extremely difficult for you to communicate with him. You feel angry and disappointed with him, which makes you think about divorce, because you want him to change, but you feel that the hope of him changing is slim. I would be grateful if you could provide me with further details of your situation so that I can offer you advice on how to proceed. Yours sincerely, [Sender's name] [Sender's designation]

It is evident that you are experiencing internal conflict. You entered into a marital relationship with him, and he undoubtedly possesses certain positive attributes. However, one significant challenge is that his communication style is highly intolerable. He appears to be quite dominant and is unable to adequately address your feelings and needs, which results in feelings of frustration.

You have a good ability to observe. I recommend the book Nonviolent Communication to you. This book teaches you how to communicate with your partner in a reasonable way, and I hope it will be helpful.

I am unaware of the manner in which you communicate with him. His communication style is likely influenced by the way he was raised by his family. There must be a reason behind every action. The fact that you see that his family is proud of this communication style shows that it has brought them benefits. Only if there is another communication style that is more effective, will he change.

It is challenging for two individuals to come together. I hope that you can learn communication methods to change the way you interact with him and encourage him to change. There is give and take in an argument, and it can only continue if you cooperate with him. If you don't cooperate with him and he talks for a while on his own, it won't continue.

In the heat of conflict, one of the two parties may choose to take a step back for a period of time, allowing both sides to calm down and resume discussions in a more constructive manner. It is not uncommon for arguments to escalate into personal attacks or even denigration of family members, which can lead to more violent conflicts.

If you can remain objective and calm, you can use your aura to influence him. If you lack the necessary strength, I advise you to seek the assistance of a professional marriage counselor to support you in your personal growth within the marriage.

Should you elect to pursue a divorce, I will respect your decision. In any relationship, the needs and feelings of the individuals involved are of paramount importance.

I hope you can resolve your issues promptly and wish you the best in your future endeavors.