The elderly woman is around, and she doesn't like to play with me. How can I mend my relationship with my daughter?

You have observed that your daughter does not appear to be particularly close to you and seems to maintain a certain distance. Despite your evident attention to her needs, she may perceive your involvement as perfunctory or inferior to that of her grandparents.

She is still a child, and I am unsure why your relationship is so cold. It may be related to the topic of left-behind children, or to the marital relationship between the parents. I recommend taking her to the places she wants to go, allowing her to eat what she wants to eat, and being patient with her.

Despite your best efforts, you have been unable to gain her trust and support. Your husband is away, and there is no quick solution. This has led to frustration and, in your desperation, verbal and physical conflicts. The other person may hold a grudge because of this.

It appears that her numerous dissatisfactions are indicating that you are unable to gain her acceptance. The fact that she does not accept you at this time does not guarantee that she will do so in the future. It is essential for you to comprehend the underlying reasons for her feelings and to address this issue.

It is important to understand the reasons behind your actions and to continuously improve yourself. While occasionally scolding and beating may provide a sense of immediate relief, it is not a sustainable approach. Instead, aim to be gentle and firm, guiding the child with care. This is a challenging aspect of parenting, and many parents find it difficult to achieve. It is, therefore, an area that requires ongoing attention and adjustment. I recommend reading the parenting books "Spending the First Three Years of Life with Your Child," "How to Hug a Hedgehog," "Meeting Your Child and Meeting a Better Self," and "The Bond of Motherly Love." Best wishes.

Please advise.

Hello, I'm Mu Rong, and I'm so excited to be here!

I appreciate your awareness. From your words, I can see that you have devoted your utmost care to your daughter, and it's clear you love her very much. It's also understandable that you feel a bit aggrieved and lost, as your daughter has shown a lack of familiarity towards you. But I'm sure you'll get there! You hope to be close to your daughter, don't you?

First of all, you have been absolutely amazing! You've been so brave and remarkable in giving up your job and staying at home to care for and accompany your child for four years. Many women find it difficult to make up their mind to do this, so I'm really interested to know how you managed it!

I'm sure your husband and parents were there for you when you made this decision! It seems like you went into it with expectations for your child, which is totally normal.

I'd love to know more about this expectation!

Secondly, you know your child's mood swings very well and do your best to calm her down and meet her needs. That's great! However, I also see that you seem to blame yourself for not being able to fully meet her needs. You wish you could be gentler and more considerate, don't you?

If you can, I'd love for you to think back to whether you were also dealing with other things at the time when you were alone taking care of her. What made you angry?

If you were in that situation, how would you handle it?

I don't know if you've ever had a chat with your daughter, but I think it would be really great if you could! You could ask her why she likes going to her grandparents' house and what the difference is between being with her grandparents and being with her parents.

How does she want her mother to spend time with her? This is a great opportunity for you to connect with your daughter and show her how much you love and care about her.

I really hope the above is helpful!

Good day.

From your description, I can sense your deep love for your daughter and how strong your love as a mother is. You have invested a great deal of time and energy into her, so it is understandable that you have certain expectations of your efforts.

It might be helpful to remember that there is only one kind of love in the world that exists for the purpose of separation and letting go, and that is the love that parents have for their children. It could be seen that loving a child is for the sake of her independence in the future, so that she can face life and live it well.

As the child grows up, it may be helpful to gradually let go. Being overly involved can sometimes put pressure on the child and make them dependent. This can also lead to feelings of frustration, confusion, and a sense of disconnect when emotions arise with their parents.

Of course, your daughter is still young, and it may be premature to consider letting go at this point. However, you might consider gradually withdrawing some of your attention and redirecting it towards yourself. Additionally, children often express their emotions through specific behaviors. It's not uncommon for younger children to act out because they may not yet have the capacity to analyze and express themselves in a logical and hierarchical manner like adults.

It is also important for parents to try to understand what such behaviors and emotions express. Only by knowing what she wants to say can we respond to her effectively.

Children can be a mirror that helps us see ourselves and teaches us how to be a mother. It's clear that you love your child very much, and that is the most important thing.

If I might make a suggestion, my daughter is about the same age as yours, and I believe it's important to remember that children don't hold grudges.

It's possible that the child loves you too much and therefore takes everything you say to heart.

"I'm not sure I'm the best child."

"I'm not sure if my mom loves me anymore."

"Mommy is going to throw me away."

If I might make one more observation, I believe that...

It could be said that for a child, choosing someone who will never abandon them to take care of themselves is the only option for survival.

Grandma and grandpa did not engage in any form of disciplinary action, such as lecturing, hitting, or scolding. Despite their inability to provide her with delicious food, enjoyable activities, or nice clothes, they were consistently present for her.

For a child, it's important to be present and available.

Perhaps it's not necessary to teach her all the time, or to keep an eye on her constantly. It might be enough to simply be there for her, let her do her own thing, and give her the space to explore and experience the world around her.

It would be beneficial for your child to experience this level of acceptance.

It might be helpful to remember that when your child is with you, they are constantly thinking:

Is there a chance that mommy might get angry?

Is there still love there?

I wonder if my mother would ever hit me if I did something wrong.

I wonder if my mother might become upset if I say something that is not quite right.

...

It is important to remember that children do not have the capacity to pretense or hide.

This part requires you to take some time to reflect on yourself and how you can separate your emotions from your love for your daughter.

When you lose your temper, take a moment to reflect. Is your anger truly directed at your daughter, or is it a manifestation of your own emotions? Can you accept your daughter for who she is, warts and all?

Could I ask you to consider accepting your child for who she is, for all her good qualities and for the things she does wrong? Is there any anger you feel towards your child, or towards yourself?

It is important to remember that your child's love for you is eternal. It may be helpful to believe this and to trust in it.

No matter how harsh your words have been, no matter how many times you have hit her, your daughter loves you. It is important to remember that your daughter loves you for who you are. Could you try to love her for who she is?

Could you perhaps try to accept your daughter's shyness when you are alone together? It might be helpful to accept the fact that your daughter relies more on her grandparents.

If you love her for who she is, it would be best to respect her choice.

If your daughter feels that you respect her choice of grandparents and that you love her just the same when she chooses to be with them, she will feel your unconditional acceptance and will slowly open up to you.

You might like to try saying this to your daughter:

"I would love to spend time with you, but if you prefer your grandparents, I will be happy for you."

"My child has grown up and is taking good care of my parents. I'm grateful for your care of my mother and father."

"It's okay if you don't want to now, but I'm always here for you when you're ready."

"I'm not feeling my best right now, so I'm grateful you're here with me."

"I am truly grateful to have you as my daughter."

Perhaps what you need is a little more time and patience.

If your daughter is not clinging to you more, it might be helpful to take some time to reflect on your feelings and try to understand them better.

Could I ask why you feel lost and aggrieved?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether your daughter has the right to choose who she wants to be closer to.

Could I ask you to consider whether it is your daughter or something else that makes you feel lost and aggrieved?

As your child grows, they will become more independent and will naturally require less and less companionship. They will also form their own circle of friends.

Perhaps it would be helpful to learn to let go, adapt to your child's growth, and grow yourself.

It might be helpful to consider finding new ways to invest your energy in your life, such as pursuing a new career, developing a new hobby, or building a new circle of friends.

I hope the above is helpful to you.

Good evening. From your simple question, I can tell that you love your daughter very much. It's understandable that you feel aggrieved because of what you have done for your daughter. It's natural to feel a little at a loss in this situation. It's not easy to know how to repair your relationship with your daughter.

Your four-year-old daughter has been with you full-time for four years. You have been a great mom to her, but like all kids, she has her moments. She's recently been gravitating towards her grandparents, which is totally normal!

It might be that you're not the best object for her right now. Let's start by chatting about the theory of objects and object relations.

Object: This is a concept that is the opposite of subject. Freud first used this concept when discussing instinctual drives and early mother-child relationships. He believed that an object is the object of instinctual needs, and that this object can be either a person or an object.

In the framework of object relations theory, an object is simply a person towards whom an individual's wishes or actions are directed. It's not about inanimate objects at all!

The theory of object relations believes that our mental development is actually pretty quick and easy! It's all about forming a personality based on how we relate to things around us, especially our moms. It's not about sexual drive, but about how we connect with the world around us.

Winnicott, one of the founders of object relations, believed that every child needs a "good enough mother" to provide them with a stable and loving object during their early years. This allows them to feel safe and cared for as their needs change.

For your daughter, you're not a stable object. You may love her when you're loving her, but you're also hurting her when you're hurting her. She may not know when you're a good object and when you're a bad object.

When she can't avoid you, that's probably what she has to do. But if she can find a more stable object, such as her grandparents, she will instinctively seek out stable objects and stay away from unstable ones.

She may not have learned to hold a grudge yet, but she's instinctively protecting herself with her own experience. Even if she really does hold a grudge, I think that's totally normal. Just because a child is young, it doesn't mean that harm doesn't exist.

So, what can you do?

First, it might help to take some time to deal with your own emotions.

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is away. I'm wondering how your relationship is going. When you're feeling grumpy or in a bad mood, I'm here for you.

It's so sad when adults have a tense relationship and children end up taking the blame.

You've mentioned this aspect very little, so I'd love to suggest something that might help. When you're feeling emotions, try not to share them with your child.

It's so important to remember not to let your little one take on responsibilities that aren't hers to bear.

You might also find it helpful to speak to a counselor about your own emotions.

Secondly, try to be a stable presence in your child's life.

Don't worry too much, my dear.

As the saying goes, we often forget the beatings but remember the food. We may have stepped in a hole somewhere, and then, after a long time, forget about it and step in the same hole again. It's okay! We all do it.

Our memories are pretty forgiving when it comes to bad experiences. It helps if there have been some good ones, too!

When we want to repair a relationship, the easiest way is to replace old experiences with new ones.

So, from now on, just be the kind of mother you want to be. Love your child, be gentle with her, and be empathetic.

If you're still feeling a bit emotionally unstable, it's totally okay to let it all out without your little one around. In front of your child, just be the rockstar mom you are and stay consistent.

I really hope this helps to improve your relationship, but I'm not sure how long it will take. I also don't know if your little one will attach to you as much as they do to their grandparents, but I'm sure it will happen in time!

But you must have enough patience to give your child a new experience of the mother-daughter relationship, and hope that with time it can replace the old experience. I know it's tough, but you've got this!

I'm a Buddhist and a bit of a pessimist, but I'm also an optimistic and motivated counselor. I love the world and I love you!

Good day, my name is Strawberry.

From the information provided, it is evident that you have been the primary caregiver for your child for four years. This decision was likely motivated by your desire to provide your child with the best possible care and support. Additionally, it seems that you made a conscious choice to prioritize your child's emotional and social development, aiming to foster a healthy and nurturing environment for their growth.

As the child matures, however, the questioner discovers that, despite any resentment the child may hold against her for disciplinary actions, the child does not perceive the questioner's kindness. The child often feels closer to her grandparents than to the questioner. This realization can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment.

Hugging you, you are dedicated to your children, but your children do not accept your dedication. It is normal for you to feel aggrieved. From a normal perspective, the questioner feels that she gets along with her children fairly well. However, children's minds are very simple, and whoever treats them well is loved.

1. Reflect on your own behavior.

Furthermore, the original poster indicated that when your child is emotionally unstable, you resort to disciplinary actions such as scolding and physical punishment when she disobeys. This behavior has a detrimental impact on your child, as she lacks understanding of your emotional state and the potential consequences of her actions.

It is the good and bad times that frighten children. A parent who is emotionally stable is of great importance to a child, as they are better able to adapt to such a mother. Is it accurate to conclude that an emotional breakdown is caused by the child's disobedience?

Or is there another factor at play? It is worth noting that when one is in a negative emotional state, one's child's behavior can provide an outlet for expressing frustration.

The original poster indicated that her husband is away from home. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether he understands and acknowledges her efforts. Additionally, it would be helpful to determine whether he rewards her for her efforts, such as by expressing appreciation or providing small gifts. If he does not, it is likely that she will accumulate resentment, which could potentially lead to emotional issues.

2. The manner in which you interact with your children

The child has been accompanied by a full-time wife for four years. Typically, the child's relationship with the original poster should be more robust. However, it is unclear why the child is currently in this situation. Could there be an issue in your relationship?

It is important to note that children are perceptive and can discern when parents are merely going through the motions when it comes to spending time with them. The first six months after birth represent a critical period for establishing an attachment. During this time, children are still developing their ability to express themselves, and they derive satisfaction from three key variables: touch, movement, and play. Therefore, it is essential for parents to prioritize establishing an attachment with their children during this period to ensure that the bond is solidified and that the children will continue to love and attach to their parents throughout their lives.

3. Do not impose expectations on your child.

It is important to remember that everyone, including children, makes mistakes. When your child makes a mistake, you may have attempted to reason with her, but she did not listen and resorted to hitting and scolding.

You are attempting to reason with her using your ability to accept, but she may not have accepted it yet. Perhaps she just needs some patience at that moment, but you have already lost your temper.

It is important to note that the child should not be expected to act in accordance with your wishes. She is an independent individual with her own thoughts and opinions. It is therefore essential to provide her with the opportunity to express her thoughts and opinions.

When she is emotional, attempt to establish eye contact and ascertain the nature of her emotional state. Offer a hug when she appears distressed. Alternatively, a quiet embrace may suffice. It is important to convey to the child that her mother is aware of her emotions and that her needs are being met.

It is important to remember that the family unit provides a sense of security and love for children. Therefore, it is crucial to avoid actions that might inadvertently push children out of this safe haven.

I hope this information is useful to the individual who posed the question. Best regards,

Good morning, I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to drop you a quick line to congratulate you on four years as a full-time mom. Best regards,

Four years of full-time companionship with your daughter. Four whole years of youth, four whole years of time and energy spent on your daughter. Have you maintained your sense of self in the face of such a significant investment?

Your emotions fluctuate in accordance with those of your daughter. It is unlikely that anyone would wish to bear such a profound and intense form of love.

This also applies to maternal love.

Given the exhausting nature of carrying the emotions of others, it is likely that your daughter feels relaxed when she is at her grandparents' house.

The sensation of losing control. If you are unable to calm him down,

This will result in a loss of control. The question is why.

Have you ever considered this? Is it your intention to exert control over him, or does he seek to exert control over you?

Do you express your love for your daughter on a regular basis, in verbal form?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you truly understand your daughter's needs or whether your own needs are being fulfilled by your daughter.

It would be beneficial for you to consider these issues.

I am aware that you experience a degree of envy when observing your daughter's close relationship with her grandparents. Despite their status as your parents, you feel a sense of unease due to your extensive involvement in your daughter's life.

In the relationship, it is unclear where his father's father's position is. From your description, it seems as though his father is on a business trip and rarely participates in the relationship.

It appears that your daughter's relationship with her father is somewhat lacking. Could you please clarify where he fits in? Are you assuming some of his responsibilities?