The person is distracted, why does her heart feel detached when her husband is kind to her?

It is curious to note that despite the husband's best efforts, the heart may still choose to separate.

Hello. I can see that you have a lot of feelings about talking about things from your childhood. I would also like to be able to help you with this.

Could I suggest that we consider what might happen if our hearts were to become absent-minded? If our hearts are closed for too long, we may find that we are unable to hear what other people are saying, and we may also be unable to feel their expectations and demands on us.

When I was a child, my sister encouraged me to study, but she also made me kneel and punished me for not memorizing the text. I spent the whole afternoon memorizing, but I couldn't even memorize a single sentence. I believe this was because she said she was locked up at home, but her heart was not there.

I believe that children outside are happy and free to play together. They can play unrestrainedly, go to the next class and talk about what's on their mind, talking to their peers and to themselves unrestrainedly. This is something we could all benefit from.

It might be said that our hearts have long since flown with the sounds of children playing outside. In Chinese class, the teacher taps her for not paying attention, but how can she hear the tapping when her heart is already outside? Perhaps we are too entangled by external people and things. For example, our parents, who care about us and love us, hold our hands all the time without letting go. This may be the entanglement of parental love. We cannot walk away or escape, but our hearts have already flown to the outside world.

I hope that in this state, you can connect with your inner self and gradually bring more joy into your heart. There may be some emotional shifts if you approach it in a specific way! I hope your world is comfortable, safe, and happy. Take care! ⭕️????

Hello, question asker!

Everyone has their own dreams, and it's so important to embrace them! As you described, when studying, you want to go out and play; when working, your mind is not on the job; and when returning home, she wants to go out and fly again. It's just like what Mr. Qian Zhongshu described in "Fortress Besieged": people outside the city want to get in, and people inside the city want to get out.

So don't be too anxious, because this is a normal phenomenon and you've got this!

I'm thrilled to hear that you said she has grown up and is brave enough to face the world on her own. She's independent, self-reliant, and self-improving. Our heroine is a person with her own opinions and the ability to be independent, which is fantastic! I'm curious about the reason for her husband not letting her go out to work.

Is he worried that she is not capable enough, or that she will fly away if she is too capable? Is he worried that she will be overworked, or that she won't be able to take care of the family after she goes to work?

So, the most important thing is to get to know your husband's true thoughts and then see how to solve the problem. But no matter what, you should not let your husband rule your home! You can listen to some of your husband's opinions and suggestions, and find a suitable way to solve the problems he raises. But the ultimate goal must be to follow your heart and do the things you want to do!

No matter how good the husband is, and no matter how happy the family is, these are all part of a woman's life. But there's so much more out there! An independent woman who is good and wants to keep getting better must have her own part of the world. And that part can only be completely her own, either her work, her hobbies, or whatever. That kind of life is perfect!

Hello!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe learning is the body's greatest treasure.

From what you've said, I can tell you're struggling with some doubts, confusion, and a strong desire to know the answer.

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of why someone (I'm guessing it's you) is distracted (even when your husband treats her well), but I'll try to help you figure out the reasons for this, just so you have them handy:

First, a person may be distracted because what they're doing isn't what they want to do or something they dislike. A person can only be fully engaged in something they're willing to do.

For instance, in your description, you mentioned that when this person was a child, she was forced by her sister to do her homework, which she didn't want to do, so that's why she was absent-minded.

Second, when someone isn't present in the moment, it might also be because they're dissatisfied with their current life. Only when a person is passionate about life can they be present in the moment and live it to the fullest.

As you mentioned in your description, when this person was at work, she went from being diligent and conscientious to feeling that work was meaningless after discovering the backstabbing in the office.

Finally, when someone is absent-minded, it could also be down to pressure from others.

For instance, in your description, you mentioned that this person wants to go out to work, but her husband won't let her. The reason might be that he's being nice to her (including in general), but this kind of niceness isn't what she wants, and she even feels a sense of compulsion. That's why she's distracted at work.

The reason for all this is that this person is unable to live their true self.

When she can't live her life according to her heart and doesn't respect her feelings, she loses herself, which is why she's distracted.

To get out of this rut, here's what you can do:

First, she needs to take a step back and look at her inner self with a clear head. It'd be irresponsible to live life according to her own ideas without considering whether they're reasonable.

Second, she can communicate with her husband in a sincere way and express her true thoughts (when communicating, try to remain calm and composed, talk about feelings more often, and let him understand you better). Try to regain a sense of control and certainty in trivial matters, and slowly you will regain some of yourself. In fact, you are gradually balancing the two things of living your own life and taking care of your family.

Third, she can think about what meaning and value working outside the home brings. The more specific the better. She can also look for ways to achieve those meanings and values while staying at home. In fact, she is trying to find a compromise to balance her inner self.

I hope this helps. If you want to chat further, just click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom and we can talk one-on-one.

Hello, I hope my answer helps.

I understand. I suppressed my needs to satisfy others since childhood. My husband didn't want me to work. When I stayed home, I felt uncomfortable. It wasn't my life. I had aspirations and was distracted.

When our inner needs are not met, we can learn to be present with others while still meeting our own needs.

However, this doesn't solve the problem because our needs are still not being met. Being "absent-minded" doesn't satisfy our needs. One of my teachers said that we study psychology to achieve a state of physical and mental unity. This makes our state better and better, and we can achieve "unity of mind."

Over the years, I have learned to express myself more. I have also learned to say no to things that don't make me happy. When you do things for yourself, you feel better. You feel like you have control over your life.

My advice is:

If we don't express and release our emotions, they stay suppressed and affect us subconsciously.

When I was young, I also kept my feelings inside. But feelings don't go away. They need to come out. Just as we need to eat every day to stay healthy, we also need to let our feelings out through ways that suit us. Only when we do this will our feelings not be blocked.

In Chinese medicine, pain means blockage. The same is true of emotions. When we let our emotions flow, they are less painful.

We can release our emotions by socializing with the right friends and talking about our worries. Here, "right" means friends who can support and encourage you. Go to sports and relax your body and mind during sports. Writing therapy: write down your feelings and thoughts on paper. Punch a pillow or sandbag to release anger. Use the empty chair technique to release emotions.

2. Expressing is relieving. Tell your husband what you really think and feel. Then he'll understand you better.

I know it took courage, but it was effective for improving the relationship and relieving negative emotions.

For example, I used to get upset by some of my husband's actions, but I was afraid to say anything. I felt that it might not be helpful, and that he would dislike me. But I didn't say anything, and it was really hard to keep it inside, so I would get angry with him.

Later, my husband encouraged me to speak up. He said, "If you don't say it, I won't know what you're thinking. You're getting angry, and I'm at a loss."

Later, I learned to be honest with my husband about my feelings and needs, even when it was about something small. This helped us build trust and feel more comfortable with each other. I also used this approach with other relationships. When I felt my father didn't recognize me, I would go to him and ask for his recognition. I learned that it's important to express your feelings and needs in relationships. It's good for your health and makes you feel more relaxed and comfortable.

This helps loved ones understand themselves better and release emotions.

3. Learn to separate issues.

I used to be like you. I would do whatever you say to my husband's arguments and suggestions. But that was painful. He would tell others that I am good, that I help him a lot, and that he loves me. I always feel uncomfortable because I am not being myself.

I didn't want to stay home taking care of the kids and the house. I value my family, but I also want to grow and develop myself. I didn't accept my husband's view and was happy being a full-time wife. Instead, I followed my heart and found a job in psychological counseling. As I learned more and met more people, my husband became more supportive.

We need to know the difference between our issues and other people's. When making choices, don't worry about other people. Ask yourself, "Is this something I want to do?" If you're willing to face the consequences, then go ahead.

I want to take care of my family, but I also need to learn and grow while doing the work I love. This choice will make my husband and in-laws uncomfortable, but I am willing to bear the consequences. When I have always insisted on the path I want to take, I have also received their blessings and support.

The only thing that can bind us is ourselves. If you want to live the life you want, you need to take responsibility for your choices. There may be some problems, but they won't last. The further you get, the better it will be.

This is just a reference. Best wishes!

From childhood to adulthood, I have experienced moments of "being absent-minded" more than once. These moments all have the same characteristic: they come from external pressure and I have to do things I don't want to do. As a result, I have developed a skill: a state of being absent-minded, including using "she" instead of "I" when describing these scenes.

If you think this phenomenon is acceptable, you wouldn't have asked this question. You're curious and you ask "why," which implies something is wrong.

So why?

She has likely been thinking about it for a long time, but she is still looking for an answer. Even if she finds it, she may still be unable to resist doing the things she doesn't want to do or suppress the people who do those things.

Living without a heart is like walking around as a zombie, without a soul. Even if life goes on as usual, a heart that has gone missing will prevent one from experiencing joy, happiness, and the joys and sorrows associated with them.

This is a silent rebellion. It may satisfy the outside world and your inner heart, but it's a high price to pay.

The patterns formed over the years must make some changes in the following areas:

First, tell your husband your true thoughts and express the life you want to achieve.

It's likely that you've never heard your thoughts taken seriously, which makes it difficult to express them. You've probably given up, obeyed, and become "absent-minded" as a result.

If you want to break free from this inertia and experience real life, you need to speak up for yourself.

Tell the other person in a gentle but firm voice what kind of life she wants. She will realize the life she is looking forward to.

This process is tortuous, but it is also the process of getting your heart back.

2. Replace "she" with "I" and feel the presence of your heart.

Second, change "she" to "I" and feel the way life looks when your heart is there.

Mr. Good's approach may bring about a good state of life, but it is not the same as the state of life you want. In fact, it is like the pronouns "she" and "I" are two very different states.

You must also try to return to your inner self and cultivate a sense of true presence.

I am confident that the above sharing will inspire you.

I am a clinical psychologist. My focus is not on exploring human nature, but on caring for the human heart. Bless you.

Dear Sir/Madam,

When there is a lack of harmony between the mind and body, it is indicative of an underlying disharmony between the two entities. This can manifest as inattentiveness, which can have a multitude of causes. As illustrated by the host's example, these causes can be broadly classified into the following categories:

The autonomous choice type, for instance, elects to refrain from engaging in work-related activities during the latter stages of the workday and instead pursues interests.

Those with an autonomous and passive disposition, for instance, may demonstrate a tendency to lose focus when confronted with material that does not capture their interest.

The passive-compulsive type, who is reluctant to recite by heart but is compelled by his sister to do so, even to the extent of being made to kneel in punishment.

This situation is a universal and objective phenomenon, yet it is not an optimal state of being. The ideal state of being is one of harmonious unity of body and mind. When this is out of balance, thoughts become unproductive, indicating a lack of alignment between the body and mind.

The dissonance between body and mind—that is, the dissonance between body behavior and mental desire—can be self-mediated in the short term but will become habitual in the long term.

The relationship between the mind and the body is often described as a command and control dynamic, with the mind exerting control over the body. This is a typical human interaction. However, when the mind encounters setbacks or challenges, it is common to choose to escape or deviate, which can lead to various issues in self-awareness and interpersonal interactions.

Our bodies are predisposed to avoid exertion and complexity. However, life itself requires constant challenges to overcome difficulties. Therefore, once we encounter a dilemma, instead of finding ways to solve it, we simply separate our body and mind, stay out of it, and seek self-relief.

The motivation to solve problems dissipates, yet the difficulties persist. Over time, problems accumulate, becoming increasingly challenging to resolve, and there are fewer and fewer solutions. Confidence, and especially the courage to change, diminishes. The reason individuals become numb is not because they are defeated by difficulties, but because they are defeated by themselves.

The act of habitual escape has resulted in a loss of confidence and courage to break free. These shackles are largely invisible, residing within the heart, perception, and the constant output of care surrounding the individual.

The host indicated that her husband treats her well, yet she is separated from him both physically and mentally. She is suppressed against her will, but this suppression is justified by the term "love." However, it is unclear whether this is the love and care she desires at this moment.

Perhaps the most helpless situation is one in which there is a discrepancy between the act of giving and the act of receiving.

It is recommended that the couple engage in a constructive dialogue. Given their mutual affection and the fact that they are acting out of love, it would be beneficial for them to prioritize the other person's needs over their own, rather than attempting to force their own desires upon the other.

Hello! I'm Strawberry.

From the questioner's heartfelt confession, I see her, like a bird of imagination, able to fly freely. She discovered that what she did was not voluntary and that what she worked hard for was not treated fairly. Upon discovering this situation, her yearning heart no longer wished to be bound.

Let's think about the phrase "absent-minded."

From her childhood studies to her adult work, and then marriage after marriage, she found that she was living her life the way others or she thought was right, but she was always there, even if she wasn't really present.

She's really struggling to understand why this is happening to her. From what we can see in the text, she has big dreams and aspirations in life, but for various reasons, she leads a very disciplined life. In this disciplined life, she finds that she hasn't gained everything she wants, which is totally understandable!

She was caught between wanting to break free and pursue her dreams, and feeling like she couldn't. So, she ended up somewhere in between, where her mind was elsewhere.

Please express yourself appropriately.

In her studies, she was forced to do things she didn't like and live her life according to other people's expectations. It must have been so difficult for her! She didn't say anything, but just concentrated on the things she didn't like and worked harder than others, unable to make herself get more than others.

At work, she gave it her all, even if the rewards didn't match her efforts. She just kept on working hard. Later, she had a sudden realization: her work was all about calculations, and she felt a bit lost. But once again, she said nothing.

In her marriage, she was always willing to make sacrifices for her family. She gave up so much for them, but her partner never seemed to appreciate her efforts. She was left feeling disappointed and alone. In the end, she just kept quiet.

In her past life, she seemed to be used to this situation where she wanted to say something but didn't say anything. If she knows how to express herself appropriately, this kind of situation where someone is present but not paying attention will become less and less common, or even disappear.

Let's work together to find a solution!

From what I can tell, she really came to understand herself when she faced some challenges. She also found ways to prove herself, affirm herself, and love herself, and as a result, she received the rewards she deserved in the first place.

It's so sad to see how her mentality has transformed from expectation to disappointment. It's true that this has made her grow up, become stronger and independent, but it's also meant that she has been hurt. It's so important to remember that self-healing doesn't mean that she can let go of past hurts. It can also be a way for her to defend herself.

You can keep learning all those great psychological skills that help you grow. That way, you'll always have the strength to keep growing. Just remember, self-defense isn't the same as growth. Forcing yourself to be strong in the wrong situation is a form of self-defense. What we really want is real growth.

If this keeps happening, it might be a good idea to chat with a professional. It's also a great idea to really look at your inner issues and not just bottle things up. It's totally normal to feel this way, and it'll help you build a different kind of relationship with yourself and others.

I really hope my answer helps the questioner. All the best!

"Could I ask why her heart is not in it? I'm sure there's a good reason, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

From what I can gather from the text, it seems that the questioner is longing for the "outside world." While the "outside world" that adults face is not as fun, interesting, and carefree as the "outside world" that they faced as children, it is also a world full of challenges and complexities.

Although the questioner is now an adult, it seems that his psychological feelings about the "outside world" are still influenced by his childhood experiences. There are children outside who can play together happily, without being forced to study, scolded, or punished to kneel and recite.

I believe it is important to remember that the original poster is not the same person as the child who was locked at home by her sister and forced to study by rote, or the elementary school student who was scolded by the teacher for not listening attentively. The original poster is now an adult who has the courage to face the world alone, independent, self-reliant, and self-improving.

Therefore, the questioner has the option of making their own decisions about what they want to do, whether they want to stay at home or go out to work. The husband's words can be used as a reference and advice.

The original poster may wish to consider sharing with her husband that his current kindness towards her makes her feel somewhat compelled to remain at home, which is an uncomfortable feeling for her. It is important to note that this is not a reflection of his character, but rather a result of her past experiences. Therefore, it is up to her to make her own decisions.

I hope my reply has been helpful and that it has provided some insight.

Hello! From what you've said, it seems like the reasons behind your sister's absent-mindedness are pretty similar. It's like she's more driven by external pressure than her own inner will. What do you think?

If someone doesn't want to do something because they feel pressured by others, they'll often end up doing it anyway. This is because they feel like if they don't do it, they'll be disliked, isolated, and rejected. So, they'll act like they do want to do it, but deep down, they don't. This is a way of protecting themselves and having a sense of belonging. Their actions and words will match what they think they should do, but they don't really agree with it. This disconnect is a form of self-protection. What do you think?

If you've noticed your sister's behavior is inappropriate and want to help her, start by guiding her to affirm her behavior. Then, try to understand her needs behind the behavior.

For instance, she's afraid that if she follows her heart's desires, she'll be rejected, alienated, and disliked. She wants to be affirmed, accepted, and approved. When she can see the psychological needs behind her inappropriate behavior, she'll not only accept her behavior, but also try to find a more appropriate way to respond to her inner needs.

For instance, when she feels pressured by external factors, she can try to openly and bravely share her true inner thoughts and needs with those around her. By being honest about her feelings and needs, she can gain a deeper understanding of others' thoughts and needs, and they can do the same with hers. The goal may simply be to get things done, and there are ways to achieve this while respecting each person's preferences, methods, and approaches.

When she realizes that she doesn't have to be chosen or decided for, but can just try to express her feelings and needs from her heart, and see if others can accept, support, and understand her, it's not a rejection or dislike. This is when she may also let go of her defenses and work with others in a way that integrates body and mind in a way she's good at.

Of course, she'll try to figure out why she can't be brave and honest about her feelings and needs when she feels pressure from the outside. This pressure could come from her inner lack of self-confidence and self-acceptance. If she doesn't understand this part of herself well, she'll unintentionally project her inner struggles onto others. She'll think that others won't accept her inner self either. So, by trying to please the outside, she can avoid being hurt.

It's also important to try to learn to accept yourself better, build up your confidence, and boost your sense of self-worth. Only when she can fully accept herself from the inside out, believing that she's good enough and deserves to be treated well by herself and others, can she try to be true to herself in relationships, express her emotions honestly, and follow her heart's choices.

She knows who she is, so she doesn't let what she does define her or change who she is based on what others say or do. She knows she doesn't need to please anyone but herself. What do you think?

I hope you found my input helpful!

Hello, question owner. I am a heart exploration coach. Everything is easy. You were absent-minded during your growth process. Recently, because of family problems, your heart has become separated from your mind. You want to know why. I will try to answer your questions.

First, sort out the situation where the question owner is absent-minded.

As a child, you were beaten, scolded, made to kneel and recite. You spent the whole afternoon reciting, but you couldn't memorize a sentence. You were locked up, but your heart was outside with the children.

In Chinese class, the teacher knocks on your desk to tell you that you are not paying attention. You have been staring out the window the whole time.

3. You started working and devoted yourself to it. After a few years, you found that people at work were fighting a lot and it felt meaningless. You were no longer attentive at work but used your free time to pursue your interests. The leader was kinder to you than before, which you found amazing because you believed that only hard workers would be rewarded. In reality, things were different.

4⃣️ Later, the family had a major problem. She returned to the family and worked through it with her husband. But she was absent-minded at home. After enduring it, she no longer wanted to stay at home to take care of the family.

Once she wanted to, but her husband didn't say anything. Now she's grown up and faces the world alone. But her husband won't let her work. This forced stay-at-home, and her husband's kindness, have separated her heart.

The above four situations have something in common. They are all situations in which the questioner is controlled by others against his or her wishes.

In the last situation, I did not change the title owner's title. The title owner often uses the third person "she" when narrating his or her own story. It gives me the feeling that after your body and spirit are separated, your spirit is watching another person's body learn to live and work in an unpleasant situation.

The questioner should see a psychiatrist at a good hospital to get help.

2. Respect your feelings and be true to yourself.

The book "Don't do what you love, be who you are" says that doing things that match our core qualities is the only way to avoid boredom.

As a child, you were forced to study. You wanted to play with friends. You felt out of place. You could have handled being separated from these places. Your body was controlled, but your mind was free.

Freedom and meaning are key topics in humanistic-existentialism.

The questioner can still achieve freedom within constraints and do what they want.

For example, if you develop a hobby in your spare time, it will give you a sense of meaning. It is more meaningful to do what you want to do than to worry about work.

If you respect your feelings and live as your true self, you'll feel in control and free.

The questioner can seek help from a counselor.

3. Grow yourself and learn to express your feelings. You are in charge of your life.

The questioner's recent absent-mindedness seems to come from family issues. The questioner is a strong, courageous person who pursues freedom and self-control through hard work. They are also responsible for their own lives.

The questioner said, "She has grown up and is now able to face the world alone."

Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic school divides personality into three parts: id, ego, and superego.

The ego is our desires and thoughts. It follows the "principle of happiness." The superego is social norms and moral laws. It follows the "principle of morality." The self is to balance the ego and superego. It follows the "principle of reality."

If the ego can't handle the id and superego, the mind gets out of balance and we get problems. We just have to grow ourselves.

Self-growth means learning to be independent, strong, and responsible. It also means accepting your vulnerability in relationships and living your true self.

The questioner's dilemma is that her husband treats her well but doesn't let her work, so she feels she should stay home to take care of the family. This is a conflict.

But deep down, you want to live your true self and do what you want to do because you've lost many opportunities to pursue freedom and play. Social morality can restrain your body, but not your soul.

Read Wu Zhihong's book May You Have a Life Illuminated by Love and other books in the series to learn to love yourself, respect your feelings, express your thoughts, and take control of your life.

Click below to find a coach, chat partner, and me. I wish you happiness.