What should I do if I am gentle to outsiders but bossy with my family?

Hello, I'm He Jin, a counselor at One Psychological. After reading your description, I can appreciate your desire to be in control of your emotions. You don't want to lose your temper with your family, and you don't want to scold your children or your husband, but when the anger comes, you want to be able to handle it in a way that's respectful and productive.

Of course, you have regrets afterwards and blame yourself, and maybe you don't like that side of yourself. But guess what? Life is like this, with the simple and unspectacular things like cooking rice, fetching firewood, fetching water, and making soy sauce. And there's a big story behind it!

It's a training ground for everyone!

The gentle you in the workplace, the generous and well-mannered you—that's you! The energetic hostess in the family—that's also you!

They are all you! It seems that the you at home needs to show that you are more capable.

Oh, the possibilities are endless!

I'm excited to stimulate your thinking with a few brief points, in the hope that you will develop more creative ideas!

As we grow up, each of us develops our own social skills to help us adapt to society and interpersonal needs. I guess you are soft on the outside but tough on the inside in the workplace, which is perfect for you to thrive in the competition!

Although at home you will point out the problems, I can see that you want your home to be better. Maybe you hope that your family will cooperate more with you, so that you can work less and have some time and space for yourself. I wonder who you think of at this time.

They may be gentle or capable, but they are all you! You can always return to the position of wife and mother if you want. Or, if you prefer, you can call on the self you admire and like to help you in any situation you need.

Dear Question Asker, Thank you for your inquiry. Best regards, [Name] [Title]

There are numerous cases similar to the one you referenced in clinical consultations. The majority of clients are women.

It is not uncommon for individuals to seek counseling when they have experienced a significant loss, such as the dissolution of a marriage or the end of a romantic relationship. At this juncture, they often express regret and turn to counseling to address past actions and feelings of remorse.

To ensure a happy and fulfilling marriage, it is essential to prioritize positive interactions with your spouse and children. Upon returning home, make it a point to greet them with a hug and demonstrate your love and affection.

When you feel the urge to lose your temper, take a moment to pause and reflect. Consider whether external factors have contributed to your frustration, and address any underlying issues.

You can place a reminder object in the home. Should you feel the urge to lose your temper with your family, simply press the reminder object to halt the impulse. The human brain's nerves are fascinating. When you cease emotional activity, the rational brain can resume its function.

First, you must halt the emotional outburst. Once this is done, you can begin to think clearly. After considering the situation, you will realize that your anger has dissipated. When you consistently apply this method, you will find that you have less anger at home.

The reason for this behavior is that the individual in question is inherently weak and has a weak self-image. When interacting with external parties, she is constantly concerned about how others perceive her, leading to the suppression of her emotions and a tendency to be gentle and kind.

However, when you return home, your defenses relax, and the accumulated stress from outside, combined with the minor irritants within your family, can lead to a sudden outburst.

The fundamental solution is to enhance your inner strength. When you are out, remind yourself that you are not the vulnerable individual who is easily hurt. You have the capacity to succeed.

I am not concerned with pleasing others or with how others perceive me. I am satisfied with who I am. I am able to decline requests, experience negative emotions, and express anger when necessary.

Anger is often the result of narcissistic frustration, which can be identified by feelings of self-reproach.

Additionally, it is important to consistently identify your own resources and remind yourself that you are capable and worthy of love.

The questioner: The present is good! Be grateful to have met.

In the eyes of others, I was a gentle person with no temper. In reality, when I got home, I would double my volume and nag loudly when I saw things thrown around or objects moved that had just been put back in place. Blame the child.

The father of the child has to scold too. It's not a pretense in front of outsiders; as soon as he gets home, he'll be a different person.

Previously, when family members gave me advice, I was adamant about sticking to my own views. When I read some family-oriented inspirational articles, I also examined myself and made changes, becoming gentle and kind to my loved ones. However, I couldn't maintain this for long and I became irritable again.

You know you're hurting your family, and you just can't help it.

After reading your description, I saw the person I once was, and I'm going to talk to you about it.

When we're around people we don't know, we put on a show and try to make a good impression. But deep down, we're not confident and we need to be praised and recognized by others.

The personalities and emotions of outsiders are uncontrollable. We cannot express our emotions at will. Even if we have emotions, we suppress them or replace them with other thoughts.

I don't know if you needed to constantly please your nurturer during your early childhood to receive some kind of benefit, avoid punishment, or prevent them from leaving or abandoning you.

When you returned home, you were surrounded by people who knew you well and who you knew were safe with. You knew that no matter how you behaved, they would accept you and would never leave you. So you reacted automatically whenever you felt emotions.

You have suppressed too many emotions, and there are still many imprints and traumas from the past in your family. Your childhood caregivers treated you the same way, unable to control their emotions and venting them on their family members as soon as they felt them in a loud voice.

The wounded child is scared and unable to fight back. It cowers in a corner whenever something similar occurs in the family. The wounded child appears, scared, and uses the familiar "loud voice" and emotional outbursts to protect itself.

These are all automatic responses. You won't have time to think about them.

If you cannot hear the call of your inner child, you will revert to familiar patterns when things happen, even if you have read a lot of books and understand some truths.

The next time your emotions come up, take a deep breath and leave the scene for 17 seconds to calm down. Then, look at your inner child and say, "I am here, you don't need to be afraid!"

I have grown up now. I am no longer the child who was unable to resist and argue. I can protect you. I will be here to accompany you as you grow up, so you don't have to be afraid. Heal your inner child over and over again. Accompany her over and over again. Your emotions will stop on their own because you have seen.

I wish you the best!

Good day. My name is Strawberry.

The questioner's disclosures and difficulties evince a tendency to project one's own negative emotions onto those one loves most. The questioner notes that in the presence of outsiders, they present as a genial individual devoid of irritability. This is because when in the company of one's intimate partner, one's own emotional thresholds remain unchallenged, and the other person is not perceived as a significant source of emotional distress, thus engendering minimal expectations of them.

Upon returning home, the level of vocalization will increase significantly. This is due to the fact that the individual in question has elevated expectations of themselves and their family. To illustrate, following a demanding workday, the desire to unwind is paramount. However, upon observing the disarray within the household, the time commitment associated with cleaning becomes a prominent concern. This, in turn, elicits a strong inclination towards anger.

The individual in question demands that their own standards be met.

This kind of reaction from the questioner is not uncommon in many families. This is because family members spend a significant amount of time together on a daily basis and are perceived as individuals who hold great importance in the family unit. The questioner often has relatively high expectations of themselves, which can lead to feelings of frustration when they observe discrepancies between their own actions and those of their family members. In other words, the questioner is utilizing their own standards to evaluate the conduct of their family members, and when they perceive a discrepancy between their expectations and the family member's actions, they may resort to nagging and scolding them.

Given my familiarity with their behavior, I recognize that this is their typical pattern of conduct. Consequently, I am compelled to inquire: Where does our anger originate? Is it truly the result of their inability to maintain a tidy household, necessitating an inordinate amount of time from the inquirer? Or, more profoundly, is it the inquirer's exasperation with their inability to effect change and assume a proactive role despite repeated exhortations?

A different mindset is required.

It is unclear whether the original poster is accustomed to others' disruptions of the household and subsequent expressions of anger. However, it is evident that such instances do not result in the original poster's immediate and complete satisfaction. Consequently, the original poster may continue to live in a state of dissatisfaction. It is recommended that the original poster alter their mindset. If the children are the ones responsible for the household's disarray, it is possible to guide and educate them on the appropriate placement of items and the necessity of returning them to their designated locations upon completion of their intended use. Adults often require multiple reminders before they recall the necessary actions, and children may require even more. It is essential to be patient with them.

The perception of the household as a chaotic environment, coupled with the father's apparent indifference to this reality, can evoke feelings of frustration and discontent. This is often attributed to a sense of inequity and the belief that the responsibilities should be shared equally. In this particular case, both partners contribute to the household tasks, yet the majority of the chores fall upon the woman. This discrepancy, along with the lack of initiative from the male partner, has led to feelings of discontent and resentment.

If I cease to complain about this issue, my husband will not perceive it as a priority and may even come to believe that I am capable of managing without his assistance. It is important to recognise that men and women process information and make decisions differently. Therefore, it is unwise to assume that my husband will take the initiative when I am in a sulky mood. Engaging in frequent dialogue with my husband about the importance of his involvement can foster a sense of responsibility in him and set an exemplary standard for our children.

It is imperative to develop effective communication skills.

It is challenging for both the questioner and the family members to feel positive when they are scolded as soon as they enter the house. If this occurs frequently, it can lead to feelings of exhaustion. This is an issue with the way communication is conducted. A lack of communication skills can result in hurt feelings. It is similar to our own experiences: after doing something, we want to be praised, but if the other person does not acknowledge our efforts, they will focus on the negative aspects and blame themselves. This is a form of rejection of the other person's efforts.

One effective communication method is the "sandwich method." This approach involves initially offering a positive observation, then highlighting a shortcoming and providing constructive feedback, and finally reiterating the positive aspect. This technique facilitates acceptance of mistakes and encourages change by demonstrating that one's efforts are being acknowledged and valued.

Even when one is aware that the other person is incorrect in a matter, it is important not to dwell on the issue and adopt an aggressive stance, which could lead to feelings of humiliation on the part of the other person. Respect is a mutual endeavour. By offering the other person a way to step down, it is possible to resolve existing problems more effectively. This emphasises the importance of learning to communicate effectively. The book "Communication Psychology" is recommended to the question asker. It is hoped that this will contribute to a better way of getting along with our families.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner.

Good day, landlord. From your description, I can understand your emotions. You try to appear gentle and soft in front of your colleagues or friends, but when you get home, you tend to lose your temper. You really want to change, but you don't know where to start. I hope my sharing can be of assistance to you.

It is often observed that individuals tend to display a higher level of patience and understanding towards strangers than towards those in their immediate circle.

Let us examine the nature of anger.

Anger is one of the basic human emotions, and it is characterized by its explosive nature and destructive power.

It is evident that anger is a universal emotion, even in infants. When their needs are not met or they are forced to adapt to new environments, they may display distressing behaviors such as excessive crying.

In psychology, anger is defined as an unpleasant internal feeling caused by a sense of injustice and an unacceptable setback.

The host presents themselves as a gentle and patient person in front of their colleagues. This is because they do not want others to see their true inner self, nor do they want the positive qualities they have worked hard to develop to be negatively perceived.

In the event of an issue at work, it is advisable to refrain from expressing your frustration.

Upon returning home, I observe minor issues at home and experience a sudden outburst of frustration, which also encompasses the challenges I faced at work.

Anger also has another meaning: "Any form of anger implies an aggressive response to the environment and the world around us."

It is also evident that when an individual is under the influence of intense emotions such as anger, it is not uncommon for them to engage in actions that are outside of their usual character in the heat of the moment.

If you are interested in learning how to control these negative emotions,

Anger is a multifaceted emotion, and therefore, it has two sides.

When we gain insight into the nature of anger, we gain insight into ourselves. Managing anger as a positive force can transform it into a driving force for change, rather than a means of retaliation.

It is possible to control anger.

Dr. Ronald, an American expert in emotion management, has stated that a sudden outburst of anger typically lasts no more than 12 seconds. While it may initially appear destructive, it eventually dissipates. If one can control these 12 seconds, it is possible to resolve negative emotions.

I encourage you to give this method a try.

It is also advisable to communicate effectively with your partner, share your thoughts, and seek his input for analysis.

I hope you find these thoughts helpful.

Hello, landlord. I'm Bo Yan.

Many people have had this experience. It's just a phase.

The gentleness you show to others is a look that comes from your professional roles, relationships, and social rules. The relaxation, responsibility, and venting you do at home is a kind of healing and fulfillment in a safe and trusting environment.

These two extremes are like two sides of a scale. If one side is heavier than the other, the scale tips. To change the situation, you must find a balance.

Why do people act differently in different places?

Roles are different at home and outside. Outside, you have to be gentle and understanding. At home, you have to be a daughter, wife, and mother.

You can be replaced outside the home, but not at home. You know this, which is why you can be so "unrestrained" and "do whatever you want". The home provides you with a sense of security.

What is the right state?

Balance, a natural flow, giving yourself and those around you the same sense of "existence" and "belonging." Don't bring work grievances home or give family love indiscriminately. Likewise, don't transfer family complaints to friends indiscriminately.

This is a feeling of being calm and in control, inside and out. It's the ideal state, but it's still important to have a goal.

Are you sick?

If we say we are sick, are we all sick? In this era, people would be considered mentally ill in ancient times. In ancient times, people would be considered to have a brain tumor in modern times.

This is a natural state. Most people have it. The good thing is that you know about it and have ideas to solve it.

How do you change?

Family therapy and personal growth are both important. The way a parent treats their child affects the child.

If you think "this is the end," start with yourself and end this negative pattern.

It's a long journey, so stay strong.

What you know will never go away. But habits are hard to change. You have to keep trying.

Hello! I'm Jia Ao Bu Xun.

You said you're kind to outsiders but angry at home. How can you regulate your negative emotions?

Let's sort out your problem.

[Look at the problem calmly.]

This is similar to the idea of a "personality mask," which hides our true selves and shows a good image to others.

You are one person to outsiders and another to your loved ones. You are good-natured to outsiders but bad-tempered to your loved ones. You don't have to hide or pretend to your loved ones, so you express your true emotions. When you encounter trouble, you lose your temper with your loved ones. This is the state you are in now. As soon as you get home, you relax but forget your loved ones' feelings.

[Rebuild self-awareness]

Outsiders are outsiders. You are living your own life. What does it matter to others? You can be sociable with outsiders, but whether you are happy depends on whether you get along with your loved ones. A warm family atmosphere can provide positive emotional support. Home is a haven for the soul.

Your family is your strongest support when you're at your lowest. Look at things differently and try a new way of expressing yourself and communicating with your loved ones. Treat your family with love and smile when you return home. It'll feel different.

[Value your loved ones]

This seems simple, but it's hard to do. We often forget how valuable our loved ones are. No matter what we do, they might take us for granted or ignore us. But outsiders who treat us better are grateful. In the future, try to appreciate your loved ones and recognize their contributions. Once you change your thinking, you'll know how to treat your loved ones and communicate with them. You'll also know how to balance things out.

[Good communication]

You say you start worrying as soon as you get home about things not being done properly. Then you start scolding the children. You are single-mindedly working for the good of the family. But you have a moody outburst when some trivial matters don't go your way. This shows that you don't communicate well with them. You just vent your negative emotions. You could try to express yourself calmly. Or you could have a family meeting to set some family rules. This will also avoid direct conflicts. This way, you won't be angry and irritable as soon as you get home. What do you think?

Stay calm in a crisis.

The next time you want to lose your temper with a loved one, take a deep breath, calm yourself down, think about the consequences, and imagine doing the same to someone else. Why do you keep losing your temper with the people closest to you who love you the most? Why not express your emotions and feelings in a more reasonable way?

Reflect and improve.

You're aware of your emotions and want to change. Read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg to help.

I hope this helps. I love you!

Dear Questioner,

You are outwardly gentle in the presence of others, yet privately critical of your family. This dichotomy creates confusion and concern that your temperament may negatively impact your family. You express a desire to control your temper and have made efforts to do so, but these have not yielded the desired effect.

01

Indeed, when we interact with our family members, the closer they are to us, the more we will unintentionally demand a great deal from them and consistently find fault with them. Frequently, we are aware in our hearts that this is highly irrational and will often cause distress to our family members, potentially even driving them further and further away.

The renowned Chinese psychologist Wu Zhihong elucidates this phenomenon as follows: individuals who are lacking in love and affection are prone to adopting a self-destructive and despicable persona, with the expectation that if their partner still loves them, it is because they are inherently lovable. Despite their conscious awareness that this is an unhealthy and unproductive approach, their subconscious may manifest their flaws or engage in manipulative behavior to test their partner's love and acceptance. The underlying message in these indirect and indirect compliments is an appeal for love and acceptance.

The result is predictable: often, after such actions have been taken, both parties are hurt, neither party is happy, and sometimes it can even lead to conflicts and contradictions, and even family disputes. Indeed, if one considers the matter carefully, one will find that each day, energy is focused on testing each other and craving love from each other. This kind of behaviour has a very negative effect. Perhaps it would be beneficial to first attempt to use self-love to enhance self-confidence and spiritual strength.

In the absence of self-love, individuals are unable to express love and emotions in a reasonable manner. This deficiency results in a state of mutual unfulfillment, wherein neither party is able to love nor be loved, leading to frustration in relationships with spouses and children.

02

These efforts are often intended to enable individuals to love themselves more and live better. While everyone desires to be loved by others, this kind of love is often not stable in the long term. It can only satisfy momentary needs and, in some cases, may even lead to further disappointment after a brief period of satisfaction.

To alter the current state of deficiency in the experience of love, it may be beneficial to initially focus on self-love. This entails directing one's attention inward, concentrating on one's own needs and strengths, and attempting to disengage from external relationships to a greater extent.

Specific actions that may be undertaken include accepting a greater degree of one's authentic self on a daily basis, becoming more attuned to a particular emotion, and engaging in meditation with greater regularity. These practices have the potential to enhance one's sense of strength and self-love.

03

The following two exercises may be beneficial for self-help purposes.

Exercise 1: It is recommended that a daily allotment of time be set aside for the purpose of immersing oneself in a state of positive thought. This can be achieved by repeating positive words or phrases to oneself in order to cultivate a sense of confidence in the prospect of being loved. One might, for instance, say to oneself:

It is imperative to recognize that you are inherently good and deserving of respect, fair treatment, and love. Your existence is worthy of positive outcomes, including the formation of healthy relationships.

Exercise 2: Document your daily experiences of being loved in a journal.

The formation of beliefs is contingent upon experience. It can be posited that the more profound an experience, the stronger the resulting belief. This assertion can be extended to encompass the belief in being loved. It is possible to cultivate an awareness of unconditional love and kindness in one's daily life and to document these experiences, regardless of their perceived significance.

For example, after posting a journal entry on the Yi Xin Li platform, one may receive likes and affirmations from other users on the platform. Similarly, writing an article may result in heartfelt affirmations and compliments from readers.

Such experiences of being loved will facilitate the establishment of a firm belief in one's own love and acceptance, gradually and consistently. It is essential to recognize the necessity of withdrawing some of the strength we devote to others and focusing it on ourselves. When we live with confidence and ease, positive individuals and relationships will naturally emerge, fostering long-lasting and nourishing connections.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance. Best wishes for a pleasant life.

Hello. I am the place of peace.

You are kind and understanding on the outside, but when you get home, you quickly lose your temper and scold your children and even your husband. You know this is wrong, and you blame yourself. You feel sorry for your children and husband and feel guilty towards them.

We always show our best side to outsiders but our worst side to those we love the most and who love us the most.

I'd like to know why.

This is undoubtedly a sign that you have a very happy family. At home, your children and husband can provide you with all the care, understanding, support, tolerance, and love you need, and you can feel completely secure.

Home is the warmest and safest place for you. You don't need to suppress yourself there. You can be as willful as you like, lose your temper, and let all your emotions out.

"You really don't try to hide it in front of other people." Think about this question more deeply.

Is it genuine and not contrived, or is this behavior coming from your subconscious, which you are not aware of?

The next time you're kind to others, explore your inner self. Delve deeply into your thoughts and feelings. You might find a hidden desire or expectation you're unaware of.

Am I being praised? Am I being liked?

A sense of worth? A sense of existence?

What is your sense of identity?

"My family members give me their opinions, but I stick to my own views, no matter what." Who exactly are your family members?

Tell me how they gave you advice. You responded by stubbornly sticking to your own views. Why?

"When I read some sentimental family stories, I will also examine myself and make changes, becoming more gentle with my loved ones." It is admirable to realize that you have not done well and be willing to take the initiative to try to make changes.

This is admirable.

"But I can't keep it up for long. I'm getting flustered again." You're being too hard on yourself.

Changing decades of thinking and behavior patterns overnight is not easy. It will be an arduous battle, but you can do it.

You will face countless frustrations, setbacks, and discouragements.

We may fail, but we are still glorious because every setback hones our mind. With each setback, our inner strength grows and becomes stronger.

You will become the masters of your own lives. You will no longer live under the scrutiny of others. All you have to do is hold fast to your unwavering beliefs, face failure bravely, rise to the challenge, never back down, and become stronger with each setback.

Seek help from your children and husband if you find it hard to persevere with this difficult and onerous task.

Open your heart and be honest with them about your apologies, confusion, and helplessness. Then, ask them for their support and encouragement.

You mustn't forget to express your love for them sincerely.

Love is the most powerful force in the universe. With the blessing of love between each other, you will transform into a gentle and loving mother and wife in front of your family.

I don't know if my answer will help you, but I'm here with you regardless. I'm wishing you and your family happiness and joy.

Good day, question asker.

You are a woman of gentle and considerate nature, yet you exhibit a proclivity to lose your temper in response to trivial matters within the domestic sphere. It is encouraging to note that you have indicated a willingness to alter your demeanor and adopt a more gentle approach towards your family, a shift that you attribute to your reading of articles on the subject of family dynamics. This demonstrates a commendable awareness, receptivity to learning, and capacity for self-adjustment. I commend you for these positive developments.

To return to the subject at hand, it is evident that a considerable amount of effort has been invested by the individual in the familial unit, with a notable degree of personal sacrifice. The persistent and often vocal expressions of discontent and the desire for recognition are indications of the individual's underlying dissatisfaction.

The questioner must truly value the family unit, which is why they are particularly eager to receive recognition and care from their loved ones. However, despite their best efforts, they have given a great deal and yet received little in return. Even minor disagreements have gradually caused them to distance themselves from their family.

As a result, one's response to a family's apparent indifference may be intense.

It is important to note that the individual in question has already performed a commendable task. It is imperative not to place undue pressure on oneself. Apart from the responsibility of caring for one's family, the most crucial action one can undertake at this juncture is to prioritize self-care.

It is imperative to recognize and care for oneself and to love oneself, regardless of external circumstances or the actions of others.

In the event of an imminent loss of temper, it is advisable to remove oneself from the situation in question. This can be achieved by taking three deep breaths, which will help to calm the individual down.

This will restore your inner strength, and once your inner core is stable, it is believed that you will be able to coexist with your family in a happy manner.

It is my sincere hope that you and your family will experience happiness. I am Chen Jia, and I extend my love to you and all of humanity.

Ultimately, this contrast is simply because you're acting differently around people you know. You release all the negative energy inside you, such as anxiety/freelance-illustrator-would-depression-not-diminish-interest-in-gaming-and-leisure-14668.html" target="_blank">depression, anger, fear, and unease, onto the people around you.

I think the reason you feel like you're doing the wrong thing by going back to your old ways after just a few days is that you haven't released your negative emotions. Those few days when you're relatively good to your family aren't a sign that you've come to terms with your emotions. They're more like a temporary pretense, like you'd put on for outsiders.

It's important to understand where your negative energy is coming from and why.

Once you know the source and see the real reason, your heart will be much more peaceful. Then you can also prescribe the right medicine.

I was always kind and friendly to others, but I would sometimes vent my anxieties and worries to them, complaining about their lack of care and initiative. There was a period when I was so anxious and depressed that I stayed at home for six months. Then I decided to go out and look at the sky, the birds, the water, and just stare. When I had the energy, everything became easier.

While I still have a lot of room for improvement, I feel like I'm finally starting to tackle my problems head-on.

I hope you'll also give yourself time to accept what's already there and gradually get to the look you want.

Hello! I'll give you the best 360-degree hug ever!

Your question brings up a very common and typical problem. Many of us do indeed reserve our good temper for outsiders and our bad temper, the worst aspects of our bad temper, for our family.

And one of the reasons behind this is, so to speak, spoiled by praise!

When it comes to dealing with people outside our immediate circle, we know full well that if we have a bad temper, the other person will not indulge us.

Now, try doing the same thing with something that isn't put away properly, and then get angry with your colleagues, your boss, or even a passerby. People will definitely react, they will definitely resist, and they may even take retaliatory measures. We will consider the reaction of the other party.

For example, colleagues may alienate us, our work may be hindered, and our boss may directly criticize us or even fire us. But we can avoid all that by simply restraining ourselves when things go wrong and not letting our temper get the better of us!

And that's why it's so important to keep the relationship between you and your partner strong!

But it's a whole other story with family members, who are much more tolerant. For example, if you scold your child, the child can't just change mothers!

You can't just divorce your husband over trivial matters — but you can do so much more!

There's a great saying that really rings true: the people we can hurt are often the people who love us. Because they know that the other person loves them, and because the cost of the damage is relatively low, they can be really bold.

It's like a child who may behave better in front of outsiders, but is more unruly in front of their parents, because they know that their parents will tolerate them and they are safe in front of their parents.

I don't know how long this situation has lasted, but I'm sure it will be over soon! You haven't said what your husband and children's reactions are to your accusations, and what the pattern of interaction in your family is like. But I believe that your family loves you very much and is very tolerant of you, so I'm sure they will understand!

No matter what the reason, you have the confidence to hurt them!

But at the same time, it's important to remember that love and tolerance are not unlimited. It's like a container. If you keep using up the love inside without putting any love back in, it's likely to run out. So, it's up to us to make sure we're replenishing our love and tolerance reserves!

I don't know if you have this kind of worry, but there is a saying that may not sound nice, but it is true: no one will always indulge us. Even in close relationships or with our loved ones. But that's okay! It just means we have to learn to be okay with that.

In other words, they give us the incredible opportunity to express our love for them in the way we hurt them the least. Let's talk about our emotions again. Externally and internally, they are like a seesaw. The ideal state is to maintain a balanced state.

But now, you have the opportunity to let go of some of that suppressed emotion in front of others. It's time to find an outlet for those negative emotions! Otherwise, your amazingly tolerant family members might end up bearing the brunt of it.

Think about it! Have you ever wanted to swear in front of other people, but in the end you showed kindness instead? If so, your family members have become the scapegoats for your bad mood.

If not, it may be that your inner self has suppressed emotions more strongly, making you willingly and voluntarily tolerant of others.

I don't know why this is the case, but it doesn't matter! What's important is how to find a non-harmful outlet for your bad emotions. And when I say "bad emotions," I don't just mean those you have with outsiders—I mean those you have with family members too!

The great news is that outsiders can't hurt you. And family members can't keep hurting you either!

It's time to let go of those bad emotions! They're not good for your health, so it's important to find a way to let them out.

I highly recommend that you go do some exercise! Try competitive sports like boxing or basketball. This is not suitable for women.

You can also go for a run or do yoga! These are all things that can make our brains secrete more dopamine and promote our sense of happiness.

Second, I have another great suggestion for you! You should write down your emotions, behaviors, mental activities, and so on. It doesn't matter if you're a great writer or not, just write it down!

Guess what? Writing itself has a healing effect!

And there's more! You can also go and talk to a counselor. Find out the underlying reasons and more targeted ways to deal with them.

I am a counselor who is often both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I also love to be positive and motivated! The world is a wonderful place, and I love you all!

Everyone has the potential to be a source of guidance, whether asking questions or providing answers. By using words effectively, we can influence the hearts and minds of more people, and this is our shared strength.

Good morning, I am Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach. I empathize with your situation. Many of us exhibit this pattern: we extend our best qualities—gentleness, patience, and enthusiasm—to colleagues and friends, yet reserve our worst attributes—complaints, impatience, and even anger and indifference—for our families.

I have previously experienced this situation, in which physical contact is made from a distance. Let us examine the issue in order to identify a solution.

1. From the perspective of external observers, we present a relatively impenetrable facade.

Although you may say that you do not deliberately pretend in front of outsiders, it is evident that we do make up. This is similar to the way women wear makeup: some wear heavy makeup (pretending), while others wear a little (touch-up).

It is important to note that regardless of whether we have learned the rules of social survival or not, people who have been around still know them more or less. Similarly, when asking someone to get a glass of water, you can casually say to your family member, "Honey, pass me that glass of water."

It is inconsequential whether or not a thank you is expressed.

If you allow a colleague to hold your cup of water, you must express your gratitude. You are aware that a slight alteration in wording can significantly impact the other person's sentiments. This is a crucial aspect to be mindful of in professional interactions and social gatherings.

In both life and business, it is important to maintain a professional appearance. While personal style may vary in different settings, it is essential to adhere to the standards of dress and conduct that are expected in the workplace.

2. Intimacy is defined as a state of being free from fear.

Let us examine our conduct in the context of the family unit.

Intimacy is the absence of fear. Both good and bad behavior are inherent aspects of our identity. We have an intrinsic understanding that we are safe and unconditionally accepted and loved by those we value most, particularly our parents.

I recall from my youth that I would often respond to my parents' statements with anger, even when they expressed concern for me. I would react with emotion, impatience, and intolerance. My parents likely felt similarly, but because they had love in their hearts, they tolerated and unconditionally accepted us. This same approach should be taken with our partners and children. We tend to believe that, as family members, they can be "unconditionally accepted." However, even close relatives require a sense of "boundary."

The same applies to partners and children. It is often assumed that, as family members, they can be accepted unconditionally. However, it is important to recognise that even close family members require a certain degree of personal space and autonomy.

It is not a matter of suppressing one's needs and emotions. Rather, it is about recognizing that immaturity should not be equated with character flaws and taking responsibility for managing the emotions and feelings of one's family in one's words and actions.

3. Be aware of your emotions and the needs behind them.

When you return home, raise your voice, scold your children, complain about your family, or stubbornly insist on your own way, you should recognize that these behaviors reflect your own awareness and acknowledge your own efforts. When we identify and address our own patterns, change becomes a natural consequence.

As you have identified the underlying issue, it is no longer a concern.

Every emotion is the result of an unmet need. Your impatience and complaining are attempts to exert control and achieve a sense of security. You desire to be seen, understood, and accepted within this family.

One strategy is to hold a family meeting to express your views and feelings, including any constructive criticism. As the saying goes, "Intimacy means not being afraid." It is important to be courageous and remove the emotional barriers you have built around yourself in front of your family members. This will allow them to see your vulnerability and understand your needs.

The family unit provides a conduit for healing, and the application of sincere love within the family unit can facilitate this process.

I hope the above has provided you with a new perspective, more choices, and that you will accept my personal message of goodwill.

To continue the conversation, please click "Find a Coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom of the page. I will communicate with you and work with you on an individual basis.