What should I do when my 12-year-old disobeys me and I lose my temper every time?

Hello. I can see that the questioner is deeply affected by past experiences and may be struggling to move forward. I empathize with the questioner's distress and confusion.

It seems that the questioner may also perceive himself as caught in a cycle of negative reinforcement. It is possible that the sense of being undervalued and disrespected by one's father has led to a similar experience with one's own child, resulting in the release of long-held resentment.

1. Treating parents, becoming parents

It is worth noting that the way parents treat their children can still have a significant negative impact, even if it is not immediately apparent. As your child has grown and developed their own identity, you may have started to notice the effects of your parenting style. It is possible that you see aspects of yourself reflected in your child, but since you are still learning how to navigate the role of a parent, you may find yourself reverting to familiar ways of interacting with your child. This could potentially lead to a sense of disconnection or disrespect from your child, which is something we can all strive to improve.

At that time, your father had no other way or means to learn to communicate with you. However, we are different now, and there are still ways to learn how to get along with our children. In the process of learning how to get along with our children, we can also heal ourselves.

2. Consider making peace with yourself and saying goodbye to the past.

It might be helpful to try to make peace with the old you who was not respected and not properly loved. Although this process may be painful, because you can neither release your emotions to your father nor continue to torment your child and yourself, it may be beneficial to try to reconcile with the old you who was hurt.

If I may, I would like to ask the questioner a few questions. Given that the way the questioner treats his child is similar to how his father treated him in the past, I wonder if I might ask what kind of feelings he had when his father treated him that way. What kind of feelings did he have when his father attacked and criticized him in such a way?

Could you please share your thoughts on how you feel now when you reflect on those experiences?

It is understandable that when we are disrespected, we may become angry. However, it is important to consider whether this anger is a result of past experiences or whether it is directed at the child.

Once the issue has been clarified, these feelings of anger may be seen in a different light.

If you feel that you need further support in managing your anger, you may wish to consider seeking psychological counseling or speaking with one of our listeners on our platform.

3. I hope you can find comfort in the knowledge that your child is growing freely.

It seems that the questioner may have some compulsion towards the actions and behaviors of the child. After understanding why they are angry and irritated, it would be beneficial for the questioner to try to see some of the child's strengths and bright spots. Learning to respect the child's wishes could allow the child to grow naturally and freely.

I hope this provides some insight and guidance. It is my sincere hope that the questioner can recognize and acknowledge their own anger, find closure on past experiences, and embrace a fresh start.

Hello, question asker!

From what you've said, I can see you're angry, anxious about your child's current situation, and frustrated at the huge difference between your ideal state and what you think their future work and life will be like.

First, you want your child to have a happy, healthy life. To do that, you have to focus on what she's doing right, not what she's doing wrong. As long as she keeps making progress, there's plenty of time to let her grow up slowly. Second, you need to have a standard to measure your decisions. If you're on the right track, you'll succeed. Don't think you're always right or wrong. Think about what's best for your child in the short, medium, and long term.

Second, figure out what your child is capable of doing. If your child can do something well but doesn't, such as tidying up their own bedclothes and room, then you should seriously criticize them and do it yourself. The child should watch, communicate, do it themselves, the child should watch again, communicate, and the cycle repeats itself until they can, will, want to, do it in time and do it well. If your child is unable or temporarily incapable of doing something well, such as a difficult math problem, something that requires a breakthrough, then you should calm down and work with your child, side by side, not in opposition, communicating promptly around the issue, exploring together the direction and method of solving the problem, and then doing it together with your child and getting it right. In this way, your child will know where your management red line is.

Third, focus on the important things. Now that your child is 12 years old, he is about to face a high workload in school and life. The goal isn't to control him, but to help him face his life correctly and establish a positive outlook on the world, on life, and on values. So the upbringing of your child requires you to think systematically, to pace yourself, and to gradually grow up with your child and gradually appreciate the beauty of motherhood.

Fourth, choose a parent-child sport, such as badminton, hiking, etc. While you're exercising, you can let out your emotions and those of your child. This will help you communicate better, and your child will be more open to following your guidance.

Finally, when there's a disagreement with your child, focus on the one issue at hand and come up with a solution right away. Work with your child to find a way to resolve the problem, and keep your eye on the matter, not on the person.

The future looks bright. You and your child can work together to achieve success. Go for it!

A hug that offers a sense of understanding.

I can relate to the challenges you're facing, having experienced a similar journey myself. As my children have grown and I've reached middle age, I've gradually gained clarity and insight, and I'm learning to navigate my path with greater ease.

In light of the original poster's narrative, I find myself reflecting on my own complex journey. If I may, I would like to share my story in the hope that it might resonate with you in some way.

When I was a child, I experienced a similar situation to what you've described. It stemmed from my father's passionate nature, my mother's tendency to withdraw emotionally, and a lack of emotional connection within the family. There was a lot of conflict and criticism. I felt resentful but was unsure how to handle it, and I just wanted to find a way out.

After entering adulthood and entering into marriage, I found that I still had some difficulty getting along with my original family. I had a strong desire to control my children, but I was unable to control myself. Whenever they didn't do what I wanted, I would sometimes react strongly, which I now recognize as an opportunity for reflection and growth.

It seems that the more control I tried to exert, the more my child resisted. When he entered junior high school and high school, he began to develop a strong sense of self, which led to a significant increase in the intensity of our conflict.

He employed silence and his own methods of doing things to challenge my authority, which only served to intensify my feelings of being out of control. The fractured parent-child relationship caused me immense distress, to the point where I was on the verge of depression and even contemplated suicide.

When emotions reach an extreme, it can be challenging to find cathartic pleasure. When I reflect, I often feel sadness, disappointment, and remorse.

I came to understand that I may have been experiencing some psychological challenges. I took the initiative to learn more about psychological counseling, pay attention to various articles and books on psychology, learn to be aware of myself, look within, analyze myself, and reconcile with myself.

When I came to recognize myself and untangle the knots in my thinking, I saw that the tangled entanglements were gradually becoming clear and straightforward. I realized that I am a carrier, internalizing and pouring out the overloaded emotional experiences from my parents onto my children. This is an unfair burden to bear.

I believe that my relationship with my parents is something I need to work on, rather than blaming the child. I think that forcing a substitution would only cause hurt to all parties involved, including the child, who is innocent and unable to understand.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment to step back from your memories and return to reality.

You have expressed that you are not pleased with your child's behavior, that you become frustrated and feel unhappy, and so on. It is possible that the root of these issues may lie not with the child, but with ourselves. It is possible that we may project the harm from our parents onto our children.

If you are also aware that you are influenced by your parents in this way, then this is a positive first step. Being able to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings is an important first step towards finding a solution.

It might be helpful to view parenting as a practice, a process that requires constant learning and awareness, and a lifelong task.

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

From the questioner's description, I can see how they interact with their child. In psychology, there is an effect called the polar bear effect. In an experiment by Daniel Wegner of Harvard University, two groups were asked to imagine a white bear. One group was told to think about anything except the polar bear. The more they were told not to think about it, the more they thought about it.

When kids don't clean up, wash their hands, or splash water, parents often tell them not to do it. But kids learn through images, so if they see water splashing, they'll splash too.

What should I do if I get angry every time my 12-year-old disobeys me?

Try a different way of getting along.

The questioner knows he treats his child the same way his father treated him. He resents his father's harsh methods of education. You want to let go of the past, but you treat your child the same way.

Maybe the questioner wants to comfort that child inside themselves too. You want to know you're not alone in this, and you want a different result from your child. But the questioner knows how sad and hurt it is to grow up under attack. If you want to hug that wounded self, hug your child first. She's also hurting from what you went through as a child.

Don't use anger to suppress your children. A 12-year-old is about to enter puberty. The more pressure you put on them, the more they will rebel. Try a different way of getting along with your child. Don't treat your child like a child. You can be friends with your child and chat with them. When a child wants to confide in you, it is less likely that they will have problems.

Don't let the harm of the original family affect your relationship with your child.

If you don't know how to get along with your child, you'll get angry when they don't do what you want or act the way you want. They're your child, but they're also their own person.

The questioner is asking the child what not to do, but not telling her why. If she is very obedient, she will not have her own opinions. Is that what the questioner wants? Or does the questioner want to defend herself with anger?

The damage done by one's original family can be reduced by facing it. When it is reduced, one can reshape oneself. A person's character can change with the environment and learning. The book "It's Not Your Fault" is recommended to the questioner. Learn more about psychology, strengthen your self-awareness, and let yourself raise your children in a secure attachment style.

Respect your child. Don't demand respect from your child.

The questioner wanted to be respected when he was young. If his father respected him, he would not treat his children the same way when educating them today. When a child feels respected, they will respect the questioner.

Your child learns from your actions. Parents are role models for their children. The questioner first criticized her child for not doing what she asked. Then she helped her child clean up. If you always act this way, your child will do the same.

As a family member, the questioner should be fair when assigning chores. If the questioner cooks dinner, the child should wash the dishes. If the child doesn't do her part, the questioner can skip her chores. The child can choose which chores to do to understand fairness and justice. When educating a child, stick to your principles. Don't assume the child has listened just because they've been scolded. When scolded, the child isn't listening.

When the child is ready, praise her for doing the task. I hope this helps. Best wishes.

Hello, question asker! My name is Jia Ao, and I'm not sure if I'm the right person to answer your question.

I can relate to the challenges you've described on the platform. I empathize with your feelings. Many parents are now facing similar confusion, so I can imagine the frustration you feel when your child doesn't listen. From your descriptions, it seems that you have high expectations of yourself, including your expectations of your child. You mentioned that your original family wasn't particularly supportive, and now you've unwittingly become the kind of person your father was to you, the kind of person you dislike most. You feel like you've fallen into a vicious cycle, you're very irritable, and you're seeking guidance on how to handle your anger and frustration.

In response to your question, I would like to help you analyze and sort things out as best I can.

1. It may be helpful to identify the underlying cause of your emotions.

It is not uncommon for parents to feel frustrated when their child does not listen to them. It can be challenging when a child refuses to comply with a parent's wishes, leading to feelings of anger and frustration. It is understandable that parents have high expectations for their children and may try to influence their behavior in ways they perceive as desirable. However, when a child acts in ways that contradict a parent's expectations, it can lead to negative emotions.

From a psychological perspective, it's not uncommon to experience what's known as the self-projection effect. This is when our deepest desires and emotions, including our expectations, are unconsciously transferred to our children. This can lead to a desire for comfort in our children, but it can also result in strong feelings of disappointment and a need to exert control when things don't go as planned. This parenting style can contribute to challenges in the parent-child relationship. Understanding this fundamental reason behind the emotions can help us navigate them more effectively.

2. It would be beneficial to accept your emotions as they are.

It is important to accept that you are not an unqualified parent. You have come to realise that your negative emotions can be harmful to your child. You want to adjust your emotions as soon as possible. You already know that it is because you have too high expectations of your child, and you are eager to break away from the influence of your original family and give your child a better education. However, you have unknowingly copied your father's education model on your child. Fortunately, you have now realised that this kind of emotion is very bad, and it will seriously harm your child and the parent-child relationship between you.

It's natural to want the best for your child. Expressing hopes like "I hope my son will become a successful person" or "I hope my daughter will become a talented person" can sometimes lead to a kind of rebelliousness in your child and in yourself. But you're aware of this problem and want to make some adjustments, which is a great start. You can start by slowly making appropriate adjustments to some of your parenting methods, with the child's health and happiness as the main priority. Your father's parenting style was actually more authoritarian, and it wasn't the most suitable way for your child. You'll gradually figure out the best way to educate your child, because the best way is the right way.

3. It would be beneficial to approach your child's current situation with an open mind.

It might be helpful to consider accepting your child's imperfections. It seems that your dissatisfaction with your child may stem from your pursuit of perfection. You seem to feel that your child does many things that don't please you, that her living and learning habits are not very good, that she doesn't like to tidy up, that she is useless, that she is insensitive and can't do anything well, that she doesn't know how to respect you, and that she doesn't act like a girl. The letter seems to be full of accusations and complaints against your child, and there is no sign of the slightest bit of affirmation or encouragement from you. It might be helpful to know that most children actually like to be praised, and it is quite normal for them to behave in this way. It's just that they may not have developed good living and learning habits from an early age, and this is actually still attributable to the fact that their parents did not guide them well from an early age. So what reason do you have to be angry with your child?

It's important to recognize that your disapproval and dissatisfaction may be contributing to your child's rebellion. This is a normal part of parenting, but it can also lead to a vicious cycle. It might be helpful to consider whether accepting your child as they are could be beneficial. Many children face similar challenges, and it's essential to understand these issues. Once you've identified them, you can guide and nurture your child in a way that addresses their needs. It's not that you don't love your child, but that your approach to education may not align with their preferences. It's crucial to accept your child's strengths and weaknesses.

4. It would be beneficial to actively adjust your emotions.

Perhaps we could consider that we have gradually moved from being aware of our negative emotions to accepting them. The next step might be to adjust some of these emotions in a way that is beneficial for the parent-child relationship. How might we adjust?

There are, in fact, many ways to approach this. Before making any adjustments, it would be helpful to learn to accept reality and then adjust your emotions accordingly.

It is best to avoid direct conflicts with your child, and instead gently guide her to do things the right way. Many habits are actually learned through example, so if you set a good example as a parent, your child will slowly be influenced. You can start with small things and slowly correct them bit by bit. This process requires a lot of patience, so it is important to cultivate patience in yourself. Once you have patience, you can then have a firm but gentle approach to changing some of your child's bad habits. You can set some family rules for her, and it is important to stick to them for a long time, with rewards and punishments.

It might be helpful to try to minimize excessive control and interference with your child, and give her some space and freedom. This could be particularly beneficial for a 12-year-old. It might also be valuable to learn about a stage of development in your child's life and understand her psychological state in order to teach her better. Children at this age often have a certain sense of autonomy, and they are not like little kids anymore who will do whatever you say. They may even go against the grain of adults. So it could be helpful to understand what stage of physical and mental development your child has reached.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is to make reasonable use of the self-projection effect. It's not always helpful to impose our own wishes and expectations on our children, especially when we're hoping they'll do exactly what we want. We have to remember that our children are individuals with their own needs and desires. Your father used this method to educate you, and now you're using it to educate your child. It's natural to want to guide our children in the way we were guided, but it's also important to remember that they have their own unique journey to embark on.

Perhaps we could consider the phrase, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Could this mean that we should be open to accepting ways of doing things that we don't necessarily agree with ourselves?

I feel this may be somewhat unrealistic. I believe this is a very important point. It would be beneficial for you to learn to understand and respect your child's ideas more.

It would be beneficial for you to learn to let your child make some choices on her own. Then you may wish to consider categorizing the things you give her, and figuring out which things you must hold on to tightly, and which things you can actually try to let her do on her own. It is only when adults learn to let go that children really have a chance to grow and exercise. You may therefore find it helpful to accept the fact that your child is slowly getting out of your control and wants to be independent. You may then wish to consider learning to let go, learning to give her some space, learning to be a democratic mother, and learning to be a little more ladylike. This may improve things a lot.

It is important to remember that many mothers with children actually face such a painful ordeal. All mothers can empathize, and the starting point for all mothers is to want their children to have a promising future, get into a good university, and have a stable job. In fact, we all hold such a beautiful wish, but we cannot completely ignore the child's wishes just because we have such high expectations. This is a very crucial point that I think you need to slowly experience and understand, and then take action. For now, I'll just help you analyze these things. If these are really applied well, your parent-child relationship will actually be greatly improved, and you will be much calmer as a whole person, no longer freaking out and getting irritated when it comes to your children.

I hope my answer has been helpful. I wish you all the best.

From what you've told me, it seems like you have a strong sense of envy and jealousy towards your daughter. I can understand why you might feel this way, as I'm sure many of us have experienced similar feelings at one point or another. It's natural to want to protect our children and ensure they have the best possible upbringing. However, it's important to recognize that your feelings towards your daughter are not entirely justified.

You've done a great job of analyzing this. It's likely that your own upbringing played a role. You were probably required by your father to listen to him, even though you were inwardly very reluctant and unconvinced. Over the years, this has likely become a pattern of behavior for you. You do things according to external requirements and do the "right" things that should be done, even though inwardly you will be reluctant. This makes you very hardworking!

But now, your daughter doesn't have to take your insults like you did. She can make her own choices and doesn't have to do what you want. This might be something you wanted but were afraid to have, or she doesn't have to work as hard as you did, but she lives the way you've always wanted to live, which makes you feel a little envious and jealous.

It's really not difficult to change your attitude towards your daughter. All you have to do is live the way you want to live, do things according to your thoughts and wishes, and don't be so reluctant or forced to work hard. Then, you'll see that there's absolutely nothing wrong with your daughter's state, and at the same time, you'll be really grateful that your daughter is teaching you how to live a relaxed life.

Zhu Rong, Counseling Psychologist Wang Chunguang

Hello, questioner! I am Shushan Wenquan, and I'm thrilled to be here with you today. As an educator, I can totally relate to the challenges you're facing in family education. But you've already taken an amazing step by noticing your interactions with your daughter and sharing them with us.

First, let's quickly recap what happened!

1. Something has happened in your interaction with your child. Your 12-year-old daughter's room is a mess, and she's splashing water around. She agrees with her mother's requests and what she says, but she's learning to do it! For example, when she asks her not to turn on the light, she just ignores it.

2. You feel your daughter's disobedience is a sign of disrespect for you and disregard for what you say, which causes you to feel strong anger. When this happens, you can't hold back your anger and criticize her, saying, "She's no good at anything, she's heartless."

3. Regarding the way you interact with your daughter, you attribute it to the interaction model between you and your father, and the vicious circle between you and your daughter. "It's exactly the same! And it's so important for me to listen to him. If I don't listen to him, he'll attack me furiously and criticize me."

From the above analysis, we can see two problems:

Although these two issues are closely related, let's dive in and discuss them one by one. Today, let's look at the first one!

Now, let's dive into the world of positive parent-child interactions!

A great way to teach your child is by example! Kids learn so much by watching and doing, and only then by listening.

From your self-description, it is clear that you have taught your daughter to be feminine since she was young, which is wonderful! Having such expectations of your daughter shows that you are able to set a good example in your daily life. However, at the same time, you are overly critical of your child, which means that you are controlling and nagging too much. This is something you can work on!

The great thing is, when it comes to getting along with others, whether it's good or bad words, repeating them a few times is meaningless!

2. The best parent-child interaction is based on trust and tolerance. You may be very hygienic and neat, but you have been critical of your child since childhood.

It's time to see the good in your child! If you criticize your child by saying, "It's no use telling her, she can't do anything right, she's heartless," and if I'm right, then you'll do what your child has done but not done well. But there's a better way! Such actions are telling your child, "You're so useless, you can't even do this little thing right, so I'll do it." Let's try a new approach!

So, the child knows that she will be rejected anyway, whether she does it or not, so she might as well not do it at all, and her independence will be lost little by little. But she is too lazy to argue with you, so she agrees verbally, but doesn't show it in her actions at all.

3. Amazing parent-child interaction is all about open and honest communication. When you're chatting with your daughter, you feel like you're the expert and she's the eager learner. You want her to listen to you, but sometimes it feels like she's not taking you seriously.

With this in mind, you can easily switch up your tone to be more respectful and sincere. The other person may initially defend against this, but with a little effort, you can make a big impact!

And finally, of course, parent-child interaction is a matter for both parents and children. The above analysis is only from your perspective. So, let's change ourselves first and see how we can improve in these situations!

1. It is highly recommended that you have an honest exchange with your daughter, bring up the "problem" you think you have, and sincerely invite her to face it together. Your 12-year-old daughter is no longer a child, so it's time to start treating her as an equal! To solve the problems between the two of you, it is best for the two of you to discuss them together, listen to her opinions, allow her to have her own ideas and opinions, and respect certain of her needs and ways of behaving.

If verbal communication is challenging for you, don't worry! You can also communicate through writing or other methods.

2. Ready to change the way you interact? Start by changing yourself! Believe in your daughter's ability to be a useful person and to take care of herself. Despite her many shortcomings, she has so many strengths!

It can be tough to have such faith when you're facing daily challenges, but it's so important! Look for the good in her from the start. Instead of focusing on the things she does wrong, focus on all the amazing things she does right!

Second, speak less and do more! You've got this! Start by minimizing your comments on your daughter's words, deeds, and actions.

If you can stop nagging half the time, your daughter will be amazed at how much she can do on her own! Invite her to help with the things you can do, and express your gratitude to her. This will give her a sense of worth and accomplishment through participation.

3. Learn to recognize whether your anger comes from the fact that your daughter is disobedient, or from your inner fears and worries. Improvement is a gradual process, and there will be setbacks along the way. When you see your daughter habitually sloshing water around again, your reflexive anger may well rise again. But don't worry! This is totally normal.

But I really hope you will take a deep breath at this moment, give this emotion a name, such as "little monster," and then talk to it. What is the little monster doing running out for such a trivial matter as splashing water on the floor? What are you afraid of, what are you worried about?

You can also say to your daughter in a joking tone, "Oh my goodness, seeing you splash water, my 'little monsters' are going to come out and move again!"

I really hope this discussion will help you improve your interactions with your daughter. I wish you could be close and loving with her! The world and I love you!

Dear question asker, After reading your statement, I feel compelled to express my empathy. I can relate to your experience, as I recognize similarities between our situations.

It is possible that some of the pain of the original family is inherited and passed on from generation to generation. Fortunately, the questioner has already noticed this, and identifying the problem is an important first step towards finding a solution. In this regard, I would like to congratulate the questioner on taking this first step.

From the questioner's statement, it can be seen that although you know intellectually that what you are doing is wrong, you just can't control yourself. You want to control your daughter, she disobeys, you feel frustrated, and then you react strongly. The questioner is in a state that psychology calls "all-powerful narcissism." This is the hope that the other person will do exactly as you say (only in this way do you feel in control). When the other person disobeys, your all-powerful narcissism is damaged. You feel uncomfortable or even ashamed, and your all-powerful rage is triggered (going on a rampage).

It could be said that human nature has two dimensions: the omnipotent narcissistic dimension and the relational dimension. It may be the case that only people who have developed well in both dimensions are mature and can choose their emotional states freely.

It could be said that narcissism is an instinctive need. Babies are all narcissistic and may not yet be able to distinguish between self and object. They may think the world is theirs and that the world must give them whatever they want.

If the baby is taken care of well enough during this period, that is, if the caregiver meets his needs for food, drink, excretion, and sleep, then the baby will likely feel the presence of the caregiver and his own existence. This may help to distinguish between subject and object, which could facilitate entering the relational dimension.

On the other hand, if the baby is not taken care of adequately, if his needs for food, sleep, and so on are not met in a timely manner, it suggests that he may not have established a connection with the caregiver. He may have difficulty perceiving the distinction between himself and the world, which could make it challenging for him to establish an object-self relationship. It might be more difficult for him to enter into a relational dimension, and he may tend to stay in the narcissistic dimension, feeling that he is omnipotent and wanting to control everything to satisfy his narcissistic needs. When control is blocked, that is, when narcissism is damaged, he may enter the stage of omnipotent rage (or complete helplessness or persecution delusion).

If I might humbly offer my perspective, I believe the questioner is aware of the source of his control and anger. It seems to stem from his growth as an infant and, perhaps, his father's model. If he was not fully satisfied, it's possible that he was unable to give to the next generation.

Since you have already become aware of this, it would be beneficial for you to consider healing yourself in your interactions with your daughter. This could potentially lead to an end to the suffering experienced by the family within this generation. You may even be regarded as a wise person by your descendants!

Good day, My name is Pearl the Floating Ball. If you fail to make changes, the days of chaos are just beginning. I am the mother of a 14-year-old girl and I am also impatient, but my approach to things is different from yours. I allow my child to make two mistakes, and she still hasn't cleaned her room for a long time, and she has only slightly improved.

I appreciate your desire for your child to change for the better, but I understand your frustration at the lack of results. Children develop good habits from a young age. Who was responsible for tidying up your child's room when they were younger?

Did you always organize your child's room when she was young, or did her grandmother or maternal grandmother do it? This habit needs to be cultivated slowly. There is still three years until she is twelve. Take your time. When she was little, you always thought she was too young to do it, but now that she is older, you want her to take care of everything like an adult. How is that possible? All life skills need to be learned; they don't come automatically.

When a parent raises their voice at their child, the child becomes confused and any instruction given is ineffective. This is not a problem with the child; it is a result of the human brain activating a self-protection mechanism. To improve the situation, it is necessary to allow time for the child to adjust.

Firstly, it is imperative that you cease yelling, as this will cause unseen harm to the child.

Secondly, it is essential to demonstrate respect for your child and communicate with them in a clear and concise manner. Begin by providing guidance and support, gradually increasing the level of autonomy until they are able to complete the task independently.

Third, failing to instill self-esteem and self-confidence in your child is akin to undermining their self-worth. If you, as a parent, lack respect for your child, it leaves them vulnerable to external influences.

Fourth, it is essential to remain calm and communicate effectively with your child to achieve optimal results.

We encourage you to give these suggestions a try. If they prove effective, you may wish to schedule an appointment with a family counselor for further guidance.

Hello, dear questioner. From your description of the problem, it can be seen that you are a mother with the ability to reflect on yourself. Because of love, you have expectations of your daughter, and when your expectations of your daughter and her actual behavior are inconsistent, it makes you feel very disappointed and even angry. This feeling makes you lose control, and what makes you feel even more painful is suddenly discovering that your father treated you in the same way, and that you are constantly repeating your father's pattern, which has plunged you into fear. You keep thinking about your past pain, and you are also wondering if your daughter is still like you in the past, wanting to break through this pattern but unable to find a way to do so. This feeling of powerlessness rushes through you, making you feel uneasy. It is understandable to feel this way. You are not alone in this. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, relax yourself, and believe that you can solve this problem now!

First, it is important to recognize and accept the various emotions that arise when your expectations for your daughter don't match reality. It is also essential to accept your daughter's specific independent will and the fact that she has her own thoughts and behaviors. Learning to slowly give up control, talk to yourself, and reflect on how you felt at the time can be beneficial.

Secondly, you might consider talking to your daughter about your innermost feelings and expressing how you feel when she doesn't listen to your requests. You could also talk about your daughter's thoughts and actions at the time, and you might even talk about your stories with her grandfather. This could help you and your daughter deepen your understanding and enhance your relationship, which might resolve some conflicts. Of course, when you chat, you should also pay attention to when everyone is in a stable mood. The environment and atmosphere are also very important!

I hope my sharing is helpful. I send my love to you and the world. I wish you a swift resolution to your problems and a happy and harmonious family!

Good day, host.

I am Li Xuan, a practicing psychologist.

I am gratified to observe your willingness to articulate your confusion, and I commend your courage in doing so.

The text primarily delineates the nature of your interactions with your daughter. It appears that your daughter is not responsive to your communications, which has led to feelings of disrespect and disregard on your part. You have resorted to the use of accusations as a means of furthering your communication, a strategy which you subsequently regret.

This kind of situation is likely to be familiar to many readers, as it is a common experience across generations. The approach described can be seen as a form of repression, with the intention of encouraging compliance through disciplinary measures. This is a strategy that has been employed by many parents across generations, as evidenced by the saying "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is therefore likely that the majority of readers will have experienced this kind of environment during their upbringing.

In such instances, individuals may experience a plethora of intense emotions, including fear, resentment, anger, a sense of being disrespected, a sense of injustice, and a sense of helplessness.

It is unfortunate that your father raised you in the same way. Fortunately, you have reflected on this way of parenting and want to break out of this vicious circle.

A harmonious parent-child relationship is contingent upon the presence of stable emotions and positive guidance.

Emotional stability is of great consequence in relationships. It is exceedingly challenging to maintain composure in the face of crisis, and it requires constant practice. It is only natural to become emotionally invested when something occurs.

How might one regulate one's emotions? One potential method is to regulate one's breathing, count backwards by five, leave the scene of the incident, and wait until one's emotions have stabilized before communicating.

The implementation of positive guidance in a child's educational development may yield markedly different outcomes. It is recommended that the child be instructed to dry her hands with a towel after washing them, and to turn off the light before going to bed.

It is important to note that education is a long-term process, and it is not uncommon for it to take time to see results. It is essential to be patient and tolerant of our children's good and bad habits, and to instill confidence in them that they will make the necessary changes.

It is my intention to provide you with a different perspective.

It is my sincere hope that you will be able to extricate yourself from this challenging situation in the near future.

You may rely on my continued support.

From what you've told me, it seems like you feel like the way you treat your daughter is similar to how your father treated you. It's a tough cycle to break, and it's understandable if you feel like you have no way to stop this cycle of anger.

I noticed you mentioned the word "obedient." It seems like you'd like your daughter to listen to you, which is totally understandable! But it looks like you're talking about things like "washing your hands and shaking off the water" and "turning on the lights," which don't seem like they'd be too difficult to get on board with.

It seems like you want your daughter to act in a very "precise" way that you've designed, full of a sense of control, and not allow her to act in any other way.

I'm wondering why you take out your emotions on your daughter in particular. It just shows how close your relationship with her is, which is really lovely.

Your daughter washing her hands and letting some water drip, turning on the light when you don't want her to. It's as if your daughter is not an independent individual, but part of you. This part of you is a bit disobedient and out of control, which makes you feel a little small, powerless, and humiliated, and you express your rebellion through violent anger.

Your daughter is close to you, so after receiving your anger, she will stick by your side and remain your daughter, which makes you feel safe expressing your emotions towards her.

It's so important to be able to connect to your own growth experience. It's a very valuable awareness.

At the same time, you can try to become more aware of the feelings of "smallness, powerlessness, and humiliation" that may be the feelings that trigger your violent anger. It seems that you're having a hard time accepting your own smallness and powerlessness, and you're using anger as a way to cope.

Here are a few possible adjustments:

It might help to express your needs and feelings in words.

"Oh, dear. The water you spilled on the floor makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, and I'd love to mop the floor again if you don't mind."

- "I've told you again and again not to do that, but you never give me a response, and I feel so frustrated."

- "I'm already feeling pretty angry."

(Express your feelings and the specific events that trigger them)

It's okay to accept that you have emotions.

It's totally normal to have emotions! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. What we need to work on is the way we express our emotions – we can all learn to speak well.

It's also important to be aware of whether you might be transferring some of your own emotions from other parts of your life to your daughter.

It's so important to remember that your daughter is an independent person who deserves our respect.

Your daughter is 12 years old, so it's her choice how she washes her hands and turns on the lights. While respecting her independence, it's important to express your needs and let your daughter have freedom, but also believe in her ability to take care of your needs.

- "Hey sweetie, just a quick reminder to wipe up the water on the floor after you wash your hands. It's totally okay if you splash a little water around, but we'd love it if you could make sure there's no water on the floor. You're the best at solving problems, so I know you'll be able to wipe it up in no time!"

- "Turn the light on when you're done getting things. Remember to turn it off." (Please respect the fact that she needs the light on.)

"Daughter, your room is really messy. Do you need help?" (Tidying up is her business, not yours.)

Let your daughter know how much you love her and what you need from her.

You're not a superwoman, sweetie. You just need a little love. Maybe you think your daughter's disobedience means she's abandoning you.

If you express your weaknesses and needs appropriately and don't always come across as prickly, your daughter will be able to approach you and love and hug you properly.

- "Daughter, your mother has a bad temper. Thank you for always being there for me."

"You can say no, even though I'll be a little sad, but I still love you."

"I'm not in the best mood today, sweetheart. Please give me some space."

I truly believe that every child deeply loves their mother.

No matter how we've been treated, we always stay loyal to our moms, don't we?

Of course, if you feel the need, you can absolutely find a suitable psychological counselor to help you. I really think that would be a great choice.

I really hope this helps!

Hello. I can see that you are troubled. It seems that you may have some serious emotional issues. It's possible that your emotional problems are more significant than the reaction to the event itself, which should normally trigger such issues. You also seem to be feeling quite anxious and helpless about this, and I empathise with you.

I would like to suggest that you consider going to the psychiatric department of a hospital as soon as possible for a mental health check-up. This would help you to understand the severity of your psychological problems and to listen to the advice of a professional doctor, so that you can treat your emotional problems as soon as possible.

From my perspective, it seems that when your child doesn't listen to you or doesn't do what you say, you become upset and feel disrespected. I can understand why you might feel this way, as it's likely that this pattern of behavior was formed when you were a child and is an internal relationship pattern. It seems that your father's behavior may have influenced you deeply, and your current behavior pattern may reflect your father's approach.

It might be helpful to consider that every rage has a trigger point. Before your next rage, you might like to try becoming aware of your emotions, thinking about your own parents, and detaching yourself from the current situation. If you feel you can't do that, it might be beneficial to leave the current environment first and calm yourself down. This could be good for your physical and mental health, as well as for your child's physical and mental health.

From my perspective, it seems that you may have inherited your father's less-than-optimal approach to parenting. It's understandable that you regret it every time you get angry with your child. I gently suggest that you consider ways to avoid passing on this pattern of education. I believe you would want your child to grow up with a different approach to parenting than the one you've experienced.

From my perspective, it seems that you are approaching your child's education with a focus on control. This could manifest as a desire for your child to adhere to specific instructions, including potentially having limited autonomy in everyday tasks like turning on the lights.

I wonder if it might be helpful to consider involving other family members in the child's education, allowing you some time for your own wellbeing. It might be beneficial to visit a mental health professional as soon as possible to explore any underlying psychological issues. Early intervention and treatment could be beneficial in supporting your recovery. If the child is also affected, it might be helpful to have them undergo a mental health examination. I hope you can find some relief soon. It's so important to prioritise the physical and mental health of both you and your child. I wish you all the best.

Hello, question asker!

I'm Zhao Ying, a psychotherapy listener, and I hope my answer can be of some help to you and your child.

"What should I do when my 12-year-old disobeys me and I lose my temper every time?" You ask this heartfelt question, and I can see that you care a lot about your child.

On another level, you also see your own criticism and feel helpless about your inability to control yourself.

When your child misbehaves and disobeys, you see your own childhood self, and you're acting like the father you were back then.

This isn't your fault! You grew up this way, so you think the solution to a disobedient child is to lose your temper.

This is what you learned from your upbringing.

"I want her to listen to me, otherwise I'll go into a rage and hate her." In your confrontation, your focus is on the child. Try to look back at yourself at this moment and see what you see?

What comes to mind?

Take a moment to notice the physical sensations in your body when you're feeling angry. Remember them, and when these feelings arise, acknowledge them and find a way to release them, rather than scolding your child. Think about what you particularly wanted your father to do when he was scolding you.

Should you ask him to leave? Perhaps a walk would be a good idea.

.

Or you can call a hotline to talk things over, relax, calm down, and gradually improve your emotional control.

We all want to give our kids the best start in life, but we also need to make sure we don't let our own childhood experiences repeat themselves in our parenting.

We can't go back and change what's done, but we can use the kids God gives us to help us move on. Show them love and protection, and let the joy of your children bring you back to life.

Be there for the poster from a distance!

From the original poster's description, it's clear that we're dealing with a spirited young lady!

From an early age, encourage your child to tidy up their room properly, to tidy up after themselves, to look like a girl, and not to splash water all over the floor when washing their hands. She will nod her head every time, and then you can celebrate her progress by helping her to do the same thing again the next time.

Seeing her makes me so angry, and I feel that she is useless. On second thought, this is exactly the pattern my father used with me, exactly the same. He also made me listen to him, and if I didn't, he would attack me furiously and criticize me.

Words to the questioner:

And little girls are children too! They can be naughty, which is a sign of health.

If your child is honest, not very active, and doesn't have many ideas, it's a great opportunity for you to connect with them and see what they need.

Children are amazing! They're independent beings who act according to their own wishes.

Also, you need to tell the questioner that children are independent individuals, which is great! If they do something wrong, you can tell them the right way to do it, but don't force them to correct it.

You don't need to control her and let her do what she wants. You can pay attention to her and ask her why she did it that way. This is a great way to learn more about her and her preferences!

If you ask, you let it go, and you can stop thinking about it and stop getting angry!

Children have their own wonderful nature and their own fantastic ideas! Let them slowly develop according to their own nature, and when they grow up, many of their minor problems will be corrected naturally.

At this stage of a child's development, these behaviors are perfectly normal. So, don't be afraid to let your child explore and discover the world around them! Your scolding, yelling,

This will make the child feel that you are a monster. It is scary, and emotionally distant from you.

And now for the solution!

And guess what? You can also ignore some of the child's behavior because many behaviors sound harmless and are not considered immoral or dangerous. So, there's no need to interfere!

The original poster also knows that your thinking pattern is now the same as your parents' behavior pattern. This is a kind of genetic inheritance, which is pretty cool!

Transgenerational inheritance: You learned your mother's way of treating children during your life, and it's a great way to do it!

This is the only way to educate your children!

Children's behavior is tricky to control, but you can do it! Your behavior is something you can change. Take a step back, be a little more patient, and change your way of thinking.

Be more tolerant of your child, and watch the magic happen! You'll both get along more harmoniously and peacefully.

Splashing water everywhere is easy to teach! You can show your daughter how to do it, and you can teach her more times patiently.

Oh, you just scolded him? Well, don't do it like that! Your child doesn't know how to deal with this problem, so let's teach him together!

So, there's no need to scold her! You just need to show her the right way, patiently.

I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

It seems that the original poster is a perceptive person who has already realized that he may be repeating a pattern of behavior similar to that of his father's treatment of himself. This is a positive step and a great realization. It is not uncommon for individuals to unconsciously repeat patterns of behavior observed in their parents' treatment of them, and to treat their children in a similar manner. This often happens without awareness.

I believe that awareness is very important. When we are aware, we have the potential to change. I think that awareness is the beginning of change.

If I might offer you a suggestion, it would be this:

It would be helpful to continue being aware and seeing what the needs behind your emotions are.

The original poster said that she had to tell her that she was useless, that she couldn't do anything right, that she had no heart and no soul, and that she finally stopped after feeling a little remorse. However, if she didn't say it out loud, she really struggled to control her anger.

It seems that there may be a lack of respect, disregard for your words, and a lack of seriousness in her responses. This can lead to feelings of anger when you see her. It's understandable to feel that she is not as useful as you would like her to be.

On reflection, this seems to be a similar pattern to that which your father employed with you. You were expected to listen to him, and if you didn't, he would respond in a strongly critical manner.

It may be the case that you have subconsciously approved of your father's education model. Although you were also a "victim" of this education model, you now unconsciously feel the need to treat your children this way, and this could be perceived as the right way to treat your children.

Perhaps if we become more aware, we can see ourselves from a third-party perspective and ask ourselves whether this is truly the best way to treat our children. How did we feel when we were treated in this way by our fathers?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what kind of presence we would like our fathers to have, and how we would like them to treat us. It's also worth noting that these are likely hopes that your daughter has as well.

2. Some tips on how to gently encourage your daughter to change her habits and communicate more effectively.

It might not be the best approach to simply scold our daughter when she acts in a way that doesn't meet our expectations. This is because, in addition to the rational brain, we also have an emotional brain.

If we scold or yell at our children, their emotional brain will take over, and they will not think rationally. Instead, they will react emotionally, fighting or running away. In other words, they will either argue back with you or suppress their emotions and try to escape the situation. This does not solve the problem. As you have discovered, every time you use this method, she will respond for a while, but then she will do it again.

If we want our children to change, it would be helpful to first establish a good parent-child relationship with them. When the relationship is good, children are more likely to listen to what we say. Adolescents, in particular, need their parents' acceptance, understanding, and respect, rather than accusations and control.

When we can understand, respect, and accept our children, and then provide some guidance, we can have an impact on them.

For instance, if your child enjoys splashing water on her hands after washing them, it would be best to accept this behavior without criticism. Then, you could inquire with curiosity, "Why do we prefer not to dry our hands with paper towels after washing them, but enjoy splashing water instead? Can you tell me?"

"I'm very curious about your reasons." Then, listen to what she has to say and help her find the reasons. If she says that it's easier than drying her hands on a paper towel, then we can guide her in a positive way while respecting her.

Perhaps it could be helpful to suggest that wiping your hands with a paper towel is a quick and refreshing way to do so. It might also be worth considering that drying your hands with a paper towel can sometimes be a little slow. You could even discuss the possibility of offering a reward, such as pocket money, if she manages to do it 10 times without drying her hands. This could help her establish a positive behaviour pattern, which might be more beneficial than correcting her or scolding her.

As first-time parents, we all face challenges, but it's important to remember that we can learn and grow with time. With patience and understanding, we can gradually improve our relationships with our children. Let's support each other as we navigate this journey together.

Hello, question asker! I am the answerer, Enoch.

The questioner's self-reflection and helplessness in their personal relationships made me realize I need to take control of my relationship with my daughter. I hug the questioner.

The truth is, we are often influenced by family members and people around us, and sometimes we become someone we don't want to be.

I am certain that the original poster also felt controlled by her father in her own family, which hurt her to some extent. She is determined not to get caught in this vicious cycle, but sometimes she just can't help controlling her daughter.

The question owner must control their emotions and take control of their children. This allows them to return from the emotional to the rational.

Secondly, the main character understands that children have their own playful nature and that they cannot pay attention to the details of family life like adults do. Things like washing hands, spilling water, and forgetting to turn off the lights still happen to me from time to time after I got married. The main character learns to accept and forgive the children's unintentional actions, which relaxes his mood.

The questioner must learn to tolerate the child. In the process of tolerance, the child will learn to be considerate of the parents. Sometimes, they will consciously develop good living habits in order to consider the parents' emotions, and once they are willing to do something, they will not change it easily.

The questioner must transform from a controlling parent to a people-oriented parent. This will prevent anxiety and rebellion, allowing the two of them to establish a better relationship.

I recently had the pleasure of listening to a live lesson by the wonderful teacher from Yin Jianli's Parents' School, and I'd love to share with the questioner an iceberg theory that I think might be helpful.

The parent's behavior (yelling) and emotions (anger) are just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more going on beneath the surface, including the parent's own unmet needs. It's important to pay attention to these deeper emotions and needs.

I'd love to know what you're feeling when you get upset with your little one.

Could it be that you're feeling a little frustrated? You're such a great mom! You cook for your child every day, you pick her up from school, and you do so much for her. It's just a shame that she keeps talking back.

Could it be disappointment? I'm sure you've told your little one not to forget lots of times!

Or is she just tired? I'm sure you're a great mum and she's got a lot on her plate! She has to work, apply for a promotion, take care of her mother-in-law, and her husband is always away on business trips and can't help at all. She is so tired and has no time for herself at all, and I'm sure the child doesn't appreciate it at all.

...

It's so helpful to take a moment to understand your own deep emotions when you lose your temper with your child. It's so easy to get caught up in our own feelings and forget that we're trying to help our kids solve problems.

I think it would be really helpful if you could ask the questioner to resolve their own problems and emotions first, and then calmly discuss their daughter's problems with her.

I'm curious, why are you so bothered by the fact that your child doesn't clean up after herself and doesn't rinse the dishes? I'm also wondering what you mean by "the way a girl should be."

Who says a girl must be a certain way to be a girl? Is there someone who has placed the same demands on the questioner that the questioner cannot let go of?

It's totally normal to care about certain behaviors of our little ones. But it's important to remember that what matters most is what they need, not what we think they need.

So, the questioner is really just trying to satisfy their own needs, not the child's.

It's time to let go of the finger-pointing and turn to yourself. Ask yourself, what do I need? And listen to your child. What does she need?

At the end of the day, only the daughter herself can decide what kind of person she wants to be. Of course, this is based on legal and moral principles.

Let me give you a hug!

As a mother and child, I can feel that kind of anxiety and helplessness. I can also feel that when you were a child, your father treated you in the same way. You feel helpless and resisted inside. You don't want to repeat the past, but you still act out your childhood experiences with your child. You wish you could change, but you find it difficult. These feelings make you suffer helplessly.

Let's look at this together.

You want your child to have good habits, but she won't change. This makes you anxious and irritable. You've also been harsh with her, showing her your negative side. But you can't accept this side of yourself. You see yourself becoming like your father, and you can't accept how he treated you.

What can you do?

First, accept the father and yourself. The father is not wrong, and you are not wrong either. The father loves you, and you love the child. The starting point is the child's good. If you adjust your approach, it may reduce your anxiety.

Second, you need to understand some of the laws of child development. For example, children up to the age of 12 are disobedient. In fact, when it comes to disobedience, it could be interpreted the other way around: "You want your child to do what you say, and not to have their own opinions?

If you want your child to be able to handle problems on her own, she needs to have a strong sense of her own opinion. She needs to be allowed to make her own choices, even if you don't like them. This is how she learns to think for herself.

Believe in yourself and your child. Every child has their own personality. Accept your child and love them unconditionally.

We can control our environment and feel secure. But if it changes and we can't control it, we feel out of control and anxious. I can see you're anxious and helpless. I hug you again.

Knowing some child development laws can help. For example, a child's habit of tidying up needs to be started at age 2-3. Parents should work with their children and give them positive feedback. Accompanying your child in tidying up can help.

Read some books or talk to a counselor about your feelings. You will find a way to grow.

Hello, I believe you are aware of the psychological patterns that may be causing you stress. Perhaps it would be beneficial to take a step back and allow your child to experience your genuine, gentle motherly love.

I have observed a mother who appears to love her child deeply, yet she seems to struggle with maintaining a calm and patient demeanor. I was in the middle of the situation, but also a clear-eyed bystander, and I felt the child's resentment and rebellion, as well as the mother's anxiety and stress. These two negative energies of resistance made me feel sorry for them and distressed.

I have also tried to talk to this mother, but it is indeed not an easy thing to reverse. I would therefore advise against self-blame or excessive anxiety. By asking a question here, you are facing the situation head-on and hoping for change, which is a positive step.

When you are alone and relaxed, for example, taking a walk in the park or enjoying the breeze by the lake, you might like to try to calmly think about the way your father spent time with you in the past and what your real needs as a child were. Since you didn't get the respect, understanding and satisfaction you deserved from your father, you might want to consider ways of ensuring your child doesn't make the same mistakes. In fact, you might feel you have a better understanding of your own child's needs than you did when you were younger.

When you come to understand this, I believe your way of communicating with your child may naturally change. It may be helpful to talk to her in a nice way until she is willing to talk to you in a nice way too. You might like to encourage and affirm her more. It is good to have your own ideas, which shows that you have your own opinions. Even if she is obviously provoking and rebelling, you can calmly show your understanding. You can set a good example for her to follow, and you can also talk to your daughter when the opportunity is right. It may be helpful to "deal with your emotions first and then solve the problem."

It would be beneficial for mothers to try to understand their daughters, as they want to love them and not want them to experience the same frustrations and depression they did. Furthermore, in this new era, parents have the advantage of an open environment and developed information to better educate their children. They must be able to understand children and respect them with an open mind, an accommodating heart, and scientific methods, and also be a role model for their children. It is understandable that being a good parent can be challenging nowadays. It is important to constantly learn and improve, keep up with the times, and improve yourself. These sacrifices are for the sake of the children, but they are also necessary for our own growth. So, do you still have to thank your child? Will you love her more? When you feel your own growth and changes, you will also reap results in your child. Your relationship will become harmonious, you will become more gentle, and you will discover that you love your child so much, and you will feel all the beauty of your child...

I believe that a mother's love for her child can overcome anything. Could I also ask you to consider becoming a better version of yourself?