Why can a girl from a rural family accept her parents' preference for boys?

Hello, questioner.

I noticed your question on the platform. While you stated that you don't resent your parents for favoring boys and expressed understanding and acceptance, I could still perceive your thoughtfulness and understanding through your words. You are so considerate and sensible that it evokes a sense of sadness, and many would want to offer you a hug.

I would be grateful for the opportunity to have a brief chat with you.

1. I can relate to the original poster's experience, as I have had similar feelings. It's not uncommon for daughters from families that value boys over girls to feel insecure or unloved, particularly if they were neglected or treated differently from an early age.

From childhood to adulthood, my parents never hid their preference for my younger brother. They even treated us differently, which at the time I found difficult to understand. Fortunately, they never hit or scolded me for no reason, or refused to pay for my university education.

"Although I often attract attention because of my appearance, I still have some self-consciousness and introverted tendencies. I admire girls who grew up in happy families."

2. Your current personality is also influenced by your original family. While your parents have not treated you badly materially, their close relationship with you could be more nurturing. They may not always fully understand your feelings or see your demands. Where do you find your sense of security? You may try to excel in something to gain your parents' approval and affection.

3. It is understandable that patriarchal thinking was the norm at the time, as it was in many other families in the same village. After a long period of indoctrination, everyone was influenced by what they saw and heard, and no one found it strange. It is likely that you were encouraged to be a good girl and model student since you were young. It is possible that you were taught to be respectful to your parents, to give way to your younger brother, and to take care of your younger brother.

"Home is a place I can always go to for comfort and support. My parents and younger brother are the closest members of my family. After going to university, I prefer to live at home than in the dormitory!"

4. What might be the reason for this mentality? It shows that you are a particularly filial and sensible child. You have become a loving person. Even though you were treated differently, you still love your parents and younger brother, and you still love your family. You consider that family to be your own personal haven. If you really think this way all the time, then I am very happy for you and very relieved, because you are really very special in this way, and you have not been influenced by your family of origin.

5. If you don't resent this kind of family and have never wanted to escape, you might consider learning to accept it with an open mind. You could try sincerely accepting your own family, proving yourself with practical actions, and living the way you want to. It might be helpful to avoid trying to please anyone deliberately, to be nice to whoever you want, and to hate whoever you want.

6. While being filial to your parents and caring for your younger siblings, it is also important to remember to love yourself first and be kinder to yourself. With time, you will gain more self-assurance and confidence, overcome any inferiority complexes you may have, and be able to confidently and optimistically be yourself.

…………

I believe in you. You deserve all the good things in the world.

I am proud and uninhibited, and I love the world and I love you.

I would like to respectfully remind parents who have a preference for sons over daughters that if their children have grown up and it is their daughter who is more filial, it would be beneficial to not take it for granted. It would be greatly appreciated if parents could cherish their daughter's filial piety and be more understanding of her. Otherwise, if their daughter's heart is cold, she may not be filial anymore.

In families where sons are traditionally valued over daughters, it is often the daughters who are more filial because they long for love, feel sorry for their parents, and are used to it.

Dear questioner, Thank you for your question.

Your question was thought-provoking, and I'd like to discuss it with you.

1. I come from a family that values boys over girls.

I am a girl from a rural family, a sophomore this year, and I have a younger brother. My family is one that places a higher value on boys than on girls, and many families in the same village are the same.

From an early age, my parents showed an undisguised preference for my younger brother, even going so far as to treat us differently without regard for my feelings. Fortunately, it didn't go as far as beating me for no reason or not paying for my education (although they only paid for me until university).

In this part,

You see that your family has a patriarchal part, but you are more accepting. You are grateful for your parents' sacrifices and can see the positive influence of your family of origin on you.

You have nothing to doubt about your gratitude to your parents. At the same time, I also see in you that in a family that values boys over girls, girls are very independent and capable.

As you said, your parents stopped providing for you until you went to university. This just shows that you are a very independent girl.

You didn't provide enough details about being hit and scolded, so I can't give you a detailed answer. What I can tell you is that you have the right to refuse to be treated rudely by anyone, including your parents. At the same time, you deserve to be treated gently by the world.

2. I'll tell you what my friends say to me.

Regarding the part that says, "Recently, I was talking to a friend about this, and my friend said that generally, girls who grew up like me would want to escape or at least hate their families, but I don't feel that way,"

The answer is not necessarily so. The questioner is a living exception.

Don't let your friends bother you.

Of course, there are also people who don't feel their own feelings. They have learned to suppress their feelings and close their feeling channels in order to live a better life.

Know yourself. That's what matters. Have you ever come to know the complete you?

When you know yourself well enough, you will not be easily influenced by other people's words. You know exactly what kind of person you are, so you don't need to know yourself through other people's words.

3. Your parents and younger brother are the people you are closest to.

I may not agree with my parents, but I understand and accept their decisions. Home is my haven, and my parents and younger brother are my closest family members.

After going to university, I choose to live at home rather than in the dormitory. Why?

In this part,

You have made peace with yourself. Your parents and younger brother are the people closest to you, and your home is your safe haven.

It is clear that your parents loved your younger brother more, but they also treated you well. You love your family very much.

I want to draw your attention to two specific aspects of your question. First, you say, "I'm even treated differently with no regard for my feelings." Second, you say, "Despite often being the center of attention because of my appearance, I'm still very self-conscious and introverted."

There's a good chance that you've been emotionally neglected, and it's affecting you. When kids are emotionally neglected, they often feel like they don't deserve love and have a low sense of self-worth. They're often afraid to fight for what they want.

As described in the book The Neglected Child:

People who have experienced emotional neglect may appear normal as adults, but they are often unaware of the structural deficits in their foundations and the ways their childhood affects them. Instead, they tend to blame themselves for whatever difficulties they encounter in life.

I want to know why other people seem happier than me. I also want to know why it's easier to give than to receive.

I want to know why I don't feel close to my loved ones. I want to understand what I'm missing.

Intelligent, likeable, and lovable people often experience the following feelings or characteristics for no apparent reason:

It's time to face your feelings. If you're feeling empty, anti-dependent, or if you have an unrealistic self-assessment, lack compassion for yourself, or feel guilt or shame, you need to ask yourself: What's wrong with me? If you're angry at yourself, blame yourself, or feel fatally flawed, ask yourself: Why? If you have difficulty caring for yourself or others, or if you have poor self-discipline or a narrative disorder, you need to ask yourself: What can I do to change this? If you lack awareness and understanding of your emotions, you need to ask yourself: How can I improve this?

Upgrade your life script.

You can see and accept the positive influence of your family of origin on you, which is very beneficial to you. However, let's be real: no family of origin in the world is perfect.

Therefore, you may also have to deal with parts of your family that have a negative impact on you. It's important to be aware of this and to seek healing. When you become aware of it, it's time to upgrade your life script. How?

The answer is self-care.

When you feel negative feelings such as sadness, self-doubt, or unease, give yourself what you need: self-care, understanding, and acceptance.

When you feel positive, happy, and pleasant feelings, acknowledge them and be grateful for your experiences.

Your life journey will become more and more interesting. Believe it.

I hope the above answers are helpful to you. The world and I love you.

The influence of the social and cultural environment on the individual is profound and far-reaching. As a girl who grew up in a family and social environment that valued boys over girls, you had the opportunity to experience your family's favoritism towards your younger brother from an early age. This also made you, as a member of the same family, learn how to navigate unfair treatment. Even if you were outstanding in appearance, you would still be able to embrace your unique qualities.

You're amazed that despite growing up in such an environment, you still love and accept your parents' actions. You even consider your family to be your haven, with your parents and younger brother as your closest family members! You also prefer to live at home rather than in a dormitory.

In light of all this, I'm excited to share the following with you!

I. Possibilities of causes

1. "Children are naturally loyal to their parents." We have the most amazing, primal love and attachment to our family!

On the one hand, we truly feel the negative impact on ourselves of the family's patriarchal values and practices. At the same time, however, we grew up in a family atmosphere where we were not beaten for no reason or not provided with money for our studies.

This means that parents did favor one child over the other, but to a certain extent, they ensured that they loved and provided for their children.

Going to university was a fantastic opportunity that allowed us to expand our knowledge and cultural awareness.

We have both attached ourselves emotionally to our family and loved them, and we have also seen the incredible care and support they have provided to us despite their partiality!

2. The wonderful thing is that the inner longing for parental recognition exists and continues from childhood to adulthood!

Son preference is a fascinating social and cultural phenomenon that is widespread in some parts of China. It's not about favoring children based on their personality, appearance, or other negative traits. It's about choosing whom to invest in based on gender!

In this situation, the daughter's identity often falls victim to these bad habits. But here's the good news: when the child is very young, they do not know the reason for this.

Many children will subconsciously believe, "I'm not good enough, that's why my parents don't love me as much." But there's so much more to it than that! These thoughts are deposited and placed in the deepest recesses of the unconscious, affecting the child's growth.

As they grow, some children come to understand that they haven't lost their parents' favor because they're not good enough. They've simply been labeled "not boys." This realization often leads to a shift in their relationship with their families. They may begin to distance themselves to show their independence and prove they can thrive without their parents' love. But not all children react this way. Some children learn the truth and come to identify more with and understand their parents' actions. They may even "exonerate" their parents from the perspective of their cultural environment. By becoming closer to their families, they're seeking to win back the love they felt was lacking as children.

However, no matter which of the above approaches is used, they are essentially the same in nature. They are like two sides of the same coin, which appear to be diametrically opposed, but which both express the inner cry for parental recognition.

2. Let's explore some ways to reduce the above impact!

It's true that some of the issues parents face come from the social and cultural environment, and it's tough to change their mindset through behavior. But here's the good news: as the new generation growing up, we have more autonomy and choices!

Absolutely! Understand but don't agree. Maintain love but don't blindly follow.

Absolutely! You can still see your parents' love for the family in your time spent with them.

We are so excited to see that you are comfortable with this part of your family home and your closeness to your father. This is a great sign that your family relationship is on the path to renewal!

As you get along with each other, try to avoid and reject your parents' excessive transgression of boundaries. For example, you might want to decline when they ask you to bear your younger brother's future "bride price." You could even turn the tables and become the "brother-helper" instead!

You can get along harmoniously with your family without excessive self-sacrifice! All you have to do is find reasonable boundaries.

Above, I'm not exploring human nature, but I am a therapist who cares about the human heart! I wish you well!

I'm not probing human nature, but I am a therapist who cares about the human heart! I wish you well!

Hello, dear girl!

I am Yi Ming, a heart exploration coach.

I will gladly share my understanding of this issue with you.

I will share my understanding of this issue with you.

I will provide you with a different perspective.

1. We are aware and more accepting.

You are a sophomore in college, and you envy girls who grew up in happy families.

You are a sophomore in college, and you envy girls who grew up in happy families.

You know full well that your family is one where son preference is more obvious.

You know it, and you don't agree with your parents' approach.

I believe you accept such families.

This is because many families in the same village do the same thing.

The environment in which we grow up has a profound impact on us.

It's like in some parts of China, where men are generally preferred over women.

At family gatherings, women are expected to wait until the men have finished eating before they can eat.

This is simply unimaginable for children growing up in big cities.

In an environment where most families are like this, we understand and accept it—it's as simple as that.

If you have never gone to school, you may not recognize this problem.

2. We will try to be more flexible.

There are many patriarchal families where girls make many sacrifices for the family.

Growing up, your parents didn't hide their preference for your younger brother. They never beat you up for no reason or withheld financial support.

You are fortunate to see the wider world.

We prefer to live at home rather than in a boarding school because our parents love us, despite their limitations.

And by accepting this reality, you can make yourself happier.

We will see the bright side of everything.

We know our parents favor our younger brother. If they make demands that are beyond our ability just because of him, we can remain aware and decide for ourselves what to do.

Don't become a pushover.

Let me be clear: in a family, if a boy is pampered too much, it is actually often harmful to the boy.

Girls in many families may have low self-esteem, but they are independent and self-reliant at heart and more resilient.

We don't have to run away from or hate our family just because our parents favor boys over girls. We can see this reality and find a way to make up for the part we lack.

And although they love each other dearly, they must maintain their own boundaries.

3. Understand the influence of our original family on us.

Each of us is influenced by our family of origin.

You must understand that changing your relationship with your family of origin is not about changing anyone else in your family, not about changing your parents or the way they treat you. It is about changing yourself.

You must change your own reaction patterns if you want to change yourself.

This is the core.

We can identify the issues in our family when we form close relationships in the future. We will see if we have a low sense of value and a stronger desire for love because of our family of origin's influence.

The choice is ours. We can break this cycle and stop valuing boys over girls.

Share these.

I wish you the best!

Good afternoon. After reviewing your question, I would like to extend my support and encouragement.

From your inquiry, it is evident that your family places a higher value on boys than on girls. Despite your personal satisfaction and disagreement with this preference, you comprehend your parents' perspective and are able to accept their inclination towards having more sons.

However, it appears that your colleagues believe you should harbor negative sentiments toward your family and even consider leaving it. In reality, you do not.

You are somewhat perplexed as to why you can accept this.

I believe this is a typical scenario for many families.

I am the eldest in the family, with two younger sisters and a younger brother. My brother is the youngest and has been fined on numerous occasions. Why did we have more children than we were permitted to have? In rural areas, having an extra son is seen as a financial burden.

This was the general situation, especially 30 years ago. It was not possible to simply disregard the opinions of others.

As long as we expressed a desire to attend school, we were permitted to do so. I completed my university education in 1997, and my younger siblings also attended school.

I also pursued postgraduate studies.

In terms of our upbringing, our parents treated us equally. I was not responsible for any domestic tasks at home, and my younger siblings were not either.

My mother has indicated that I have worked throughout my life, and that my daughter should not be expected to work before marriage. However, she will be expected to contribute to the household financially after marriage. We are happy to provide assistance with domestic tasks.

Prior to my marriage, I did not engage in much cooking, primarily due to my absence from home during the day, either at school or at work. My younger brother and sister have since demonstrated remarkable proficiency in managing their respective households.

My younger brother, in particular, has demonstrated proficiency in culinary arts. He has also demonstrated a willingness to contribute financially and with effort when there are tasks to be done.

Every Chinese New Year, my brother would come over with the necessary tools and clean the windows for my family.

It is evident that parents exhibit a degree of bias towards their younger siblings. Achieving absolute equality in this regard is unfeasible, given the multitude of cultural and external factors at play.

It appears to be somewhat biased.

For example, the family homestead was allocated to my younger brother. There was no alternative: we sisters were married off, and the homestead was of no benefit to us. In rural areas, each family is large. If the homestead is allocated to the daughter, the son will have no roots in the village. At this time, do not discuss gender equality and patriarchal values.

Rural homesteads are collectively owned and operate under a different set of rules.

Another example is the recent nuptials of my younger brother and the birth of my daughter. At the age of one, my daughter relocated to live with my mother.

Following the birth of my daughter, my nephew was born. Our neighbors all commented that I was fortunate to have the opportunity to care for my child for two years. Had my nephew been born earlier, my mother would not have been able to care for him.

It is worth noting that within the context of rural communities, there is a perception that grandchildren should be provided for, although the level of care and support afforded to grandsons may vary depending on circumstances. This is a situation with which many in these communities are familiar.

It is important to consider the specific context when examining any issue. In our village, this situation is very common.

Children are treated equally with regard to upbringing and education. However, in matters pertaining to the homestead, the purchase of a house, childcare, and so forth, the son will typically receive preferential treatment.

It is a natural inclination for the older generation to support their sons, and they should be supported in their own homes, not their daughters' homes. It is therefore only natural to allocate the limited resources to the sons.

It is uncommon for a father to withhold a daughter's dowry and transfer it to a son. Typically, the dowry is recovered by the daughter with a modest additional amount, the precise amount depending on the individual's circumstances.

If the same view is held by all parties, for example, if the son is provided with a house, if he is the primary caregiver for the children, and if the daughter has less control, then in a specific family, the parents will control the son, and the daughter's children will also have their own grandparents to look after them.

Such a statement would not be met with concern.

Your family is also from the countryside, and I believe the situation is largely similar. It would be difficult to discuss the issue of son preference without considering the rural environment.

Parents were socialized with the concept of male superiority, internalized these values, and transmitted them to their children. Asking a parent to relinquish the family plot would be akin to requesting the parent to commit suicide in the village.

They themselves are unable to reconcile these conflicting values and are reluctant to see their parents endure mental distress as a result.

You have demonstrated an admirable ability to accept this situation. While your parents may not be in an equal financial position, they have consistently demonstrated their love for you. It is therefore recommended that you embrace your original family with enthusiasm.

Do not engage in a debate that is inherently controversial. Furthermore, if you adhere to the principles of individualism, you are an adult at 18, so refrain from interfering in matters that do not concern you.

Your parents have the right to dispose of their resources as they see fit.

Despite your parents' somewhat patriarchal tendencies, you are comfortable with the arrangement. You consider your home to be a haven of love, your parents and younger brother to be your family, and you are willing to live at home. You are simply enjoying the warmth of your family.

It is advisable to refrain from concerning yourself with the opinions of others and to concentrate on your own happiness.

I am frequently both Buddhist and depressed, an intermittently optimistic and driven counselor, and I extend my best wishes to the world and to you.