Why do I always recall the unpleasant moments from the past?

Hello, host!

From what you've said, I can see you're feeling helpless and frustrated. I can sense your anxiety even though we're not in the same room. You keep replaying unpleasant memories from the past. You care more about saving face than explaining yourself when you're misunderstood in front of others. I just want to say: you must be so tired!

Let me ask a question first: why do people care about unpleasant things? What is unpleasant is the emotions and feelings that remain in the heart, and when the same situation occurs, these emotions and feelings will come out again.

It's because the emotions and feelings from before haven't been resolved, and there's still unfinished business!

Secondly, take a look at your own mindset. You say you care more about saving face and won't explain yourself even if you're being misunderstood.

What is face? Is it something that others give to you?

My view is that face is something you earn for yourself. I don't see giving up face as a sign of humility, but as a sensible move.

Sometimes, letting go of your pride isn't about giving in, it's about achieving your goals. Entrepreneur Li Ka-shing once said, "When you let go of your pride to make money, it means you've come of age."

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Then, focus on your own growth. If you can refresh, copy, and paste your life, why not cancel, shut down, and restart everything else?

Life is full of ups and downs, as are opportunities and regrets. I suggest reading two books: "The Weakness of Human Nature" and "The Art of Conversation."

Finally, when the water reaches its lowest point, there's a view. When a person reaches their lowest point, they're reborn! Don't be disheartened. Even if you lose everything, tomorrow is still in your hands.

The internet is so well-developed. I think you'll find more videos about high emotional intelligence helpful. I believe your life will get better and better! Give yourself more opportunities to make mistakes. The biggest gains come from the process of trial and error!

Are you ready to give it a shot?

Dear Sir/Madam, I hope that I can be of assistance to you.

It is natural to recall unhappy experiences from the past. While it is understood that the past cannot be changed, there is still a tendency to dwell on past events and make mistakes as a result. I empathize with your situation and suggest the following areas for consideration:

First, allow yourself to reflect on past experiences. It is normal to be brought back to previous situations by a certain state of mind, so do not be self-critical for this. Instead, view it as an opportunity for introspection. When reflecting on past experiences, we can try to view them from a different perspective: if we were in that situation now, what would we say or do?

From this, you may gain a different perspective and experience regarding the current understanding and progress.

Second, set goals. What impact have past mistakes had? Which of these impacts are truly irreversible, which can be remedied through hard work, and which can be avoided next time? Having a concrete distinction will help you establish a direction for improvement and progress, thereby helping you to promptly examine your current behavior and move towards your desired goal.

Third, identify an appropriate method for stress management. This could include activities such as socializing with colleagues, exercising, writing, meditating, and so on. It is also important to recognize that expressing emotions, such as crying, can be a beneficial outlet. This can help you gain energy and focus, while also training your ability to regulate emotions, which can enhance your ability to remain calm and composed in challenging situations.

The initial step in the process of self-renewal is to move on from past experiences.

I hope you make a new discovery every day.

Dear Question Asker,

I empathize with your situation. Let us embrace each other, take a moment to center ourselves, and then proceed with a slow, measured exhalation.

Let us now proceed to an analysis of the potential issues that may arise.

One may experience feelings of sadness when recalling past events that did not go as desired. In such instances, there may be a desire to turn back time to the moment of a mistake or an instance where a situation could have been handled better. However, it is important to recognize that a mistake is a mistake and that attempting to alter the past is not a viable solution. Despite this understanding, individuals may still experience difficulty tolerating their own mistakes. They may find themselves repeatedly thinking back to the scenes in question, dwelling on the perceived shortcomings and placing blame on themselves. This can lead to feelings of self-blame, accusation, and resentment, as well as attempts to correct or improve the past events.

One may posit that an individual may experience a constellation of thoughts and emotions, including the following:

1. The individual's present circumstances can be attributed to inadequate performance at the time.

2. The individual is convinced that it is imperative to avoid repeating the same mistake. They are frustrated by their inability to learn from the situation and to make amends for the resulting damage.

3. It is normal for individuals to avoid making mistakes; however, at this stage, they are unable to tolerate making mistakes. In order to relieve the guilt associated with the mistake, they may engage in self-attack and self-blame. This is done to align their actions with their perception of what is appropriate. For instance, they may believe that someone who makes such a mistake is not worthy of trust.

(1) The individual is unable to ascertain the value of themselves at this juncture. They are unable to identify their achievements and are similarly unable to find self-satisfaction in their heart, which results in a pervasive sense of loss and emptiness. In order to ascertain direction, the individual turns to investigating the past. Concurrently, the unfulfilled feeling of self-worth serves as the primary motivating force, and the individual attempts to mitigate the emptiness associated with low self-realization by engaging in behaviors that are perceived as being in alignment with the individual's values.

(2) It is possible that an individual in one's life has employed accusations or blame to induce the correction of mistakes or a promise not to repeat them. This process is now being repeated, with a strong sense of self-blame exerting influence over a weaker sense of self.

The aforementioned information is an educated hypothesis regarding your circumstances. It is possible that modifying your objectives and cognitive framework may assist in identifying the underlying cause of your emotional imbalance.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hi there!

"Don't see mistakes as mistakes. This is a battle with yourself."

How many people have made mistakes and then tried to correct them to achieve self-redemption? We need to change the way we look at ourselves. We're imperfect beings, and we all have different shortcomings. When shortcomings are exposed, don't be ashamed or hide them. Understand and accept yourself.

There was once a painter who put his painting in front of a crowd and asked everyone to point out the flaws. After a while, people came forward to circle and point out the "flaws." The painting had been scribbled over in no time. He discovered some logical threads in this painting.

The next day

He showed the same painting to the public, asking everyone to come forward and point out the good parts. As expected, the painting was the same as yesterday's, and it had been defaced in much the same way, with basically no gaps left.

The story of the painting shows us how people think. How you feel about the painting depends on which perspective you take, not just a limited one.

If the story in the previous paragraph doesn't help the questioner understand how to view the objective perspective of "error," then the experiment in the next paragraph might be a better fit.

Here's an experiment for you.

Take an empty mineral water bottle, screw on the cap tightly, and stomp on it hard to see if it changes shape. Then, unscrew the cap, release the air inside the bottle, and try again to see if it is easy to deform.

It's pretty straightforward. A bottle that's been tightly closed will also release pressure when it's subjected to external force. At this point, it's under greater pressure to withstand the weight of being stepped on, while an air-release bottle is more like a ball without any sharp edges. It'll deflate when stepped on, while releasing its own internal pressure.

Let's say the questioner is more like an Aquarius, who tends to feel pressure from within. When they're troubled by the environment, they tend to squeeze inward to relieve the pressure. But this can lead to internal conflict. If they can't self-soothe negative emotions, they'll feel even more pain. Most people choose to relieve stress by balancing internal and external pressure. They try to bear it first. When they can't bear the external pressure, they'll release the internal pressure of "self-criticism." Then, they'll balance the internal and external pressure and adjust their self-perception. This way of relieving stress is to understand and recognize oneself through an objective perspective.

So, the problem with getting too caught up in the past is that if you can't learn more from your past experiences, it doesn't help to dwell on them too much. It's not the best way to solve problems.

It's important to understand that past problems had objective causes and specific constraints at the time. We can't judge and criticize our past selves from the perspective of the present. We also can't demand absolute perfection from ourselves, because we're human and we make mistakes. This way of evaluating things isn't objective or correct.

Our experiences help us grow and improve our problem-solving skills. Even if our memories are mixed with "naivety," we don't need to alter them. Instead, we should look at past memories with a growth mindset. We can feel regret for past experiences, but there's no need to be sad because we've gradually transformed from the ignorant self through the accumulation of experiences, becoming more mature.

[Confirm your inner sense of security and build up your self-confidence]

People who are easily drawn to the past have a special attachment to it. Memories can be either positive or negative. People who think the past was good recall it to comfort themselves in the present, while those who regret it recall it in the hope of rewriting it through their own efforts. This is a sign of anxiety, insecurity, and lack of confidence in the present.

The past is just that—the past. It's caused by the objective environment at the time and our current limitations. It's okay to have fleeting memories and nostalgia, but they shouldn't affect your current life. Excessive nostalgia for the past is a sign you're avoiding problems in your current life. Always believing that the past is real and a basis for evaluating yourself is a sign of an internal lack of security.

[Take a moment to reflect on the past and approach it with a sense of rationality.]

Our memories are subjective, and they're influenced by our emotions. So, when we think about the past, our feelings often take over our logical thinking. This is why we can't always satisfy our current selves by thinking about the past. We need to understand that past experiences have objective factors and subjective feelings that are connected. No matter how we change our attitude towards the past, the result will also be affected by other objective factors.

The best way to tackle a problem is to acknowledge the negative feelings from past experiences, summarize the problem, and then come up with a solution. It's also important to consider other objective conditions when applying this in the present to ensure it's done effectively.

[Face up to your true inner needs and be proactive]

I think that dwelling on the past and being negative, critical, and harsh on yourself also has a negative impact. It can lead to a sense of "decadence" and a lack of motivation.

The questioner believes that the best way to solve a problem is to follow a straightforward path and that any unexpected turns are simply a detour. This approach can feel a bit rigid and mechanical. As we grow and evolve, it's essential to challenge our assumptions and embrace a more flexible mindset. This means being open to reversing our thinking when faced with challenges and exploring the core of the problem and our true needs through multidimensional thinking. This allows us to return to reality with a clear perspective and a sense of engagement.

Best of luck!

Hello!

After reading the questions, I had a lot of thoughts about life. When we think about things that went wrong, that we didn't do well enough, or that weren't positive enough, it always makes us feel lost and regretful. We always think about what we should have done differently, what if I hadn't said that, what if I could have been more tactful. The more we think like this, the more we belittle ourselves, feeling worthless and incompetent, which in turn brings on more negative perceptions. Also, it seems that excessive reminiscing is also affecting your life.

Let's start by exploring the memories.

I believe memories are valuable. When we gain experience from past experiences, they are a source of nourishment and resources for us in the present.

Even some unpleasant emotions from the past can help us prepare better for similar things in the future. If we're willing to learn from bad memories, they can actually be a good thing.

What are your thoughts on this?

I'm sure there's a reason why you can't see the positives in the negatives right now. So when you think you were born stupid, I've got a few ideas and theories:

1. When you were a kid, did your folks not let you make mistakes?

2. When you did well, your parents didn't encourage you, but they were constantly critical?

So you got used to holding back? Even if you're misunderstood in front of a crowd, you won't explain, and you can't let yourself off the hook if you say or do the wrong thing?

It's inevitable that when you're in a social situation, you'll interact with other people. When you speak or do something, the people around you will always evaluate it from their own perspective. Some people may have ulterior motives. When we're prone to self-doubt, we tend to magnify the power of these evaluations, accept the hints, and doubt our abilities in a certain area. This allows anxiety and pessimism to spread, and we then go on to deny our abilities and self-worth!

So you choose to escape even more, so when pressure arises, your first reaction is, "I can't do it, I'm definitely not going to make it!" So you break down, crying hysterically to try to tell yourself how small and helpless you are! Then you use negative memories to repeatedly prove that you're stupid, that you're pitiful, that you've been useless since childhood... Using self-deprecation to make yourself feel safer?

You're actually pretty good at this. You just haven't noticed it yourself. First, you have the courage to express your feelings here, and you can do the same in front of your colleagues, friends, and relatives. Nobody's perfect, and we all make mistakes. There's a saying that failure is the mother of success.

Everyone learns from their mistakes, and you are no exception! Failure is what brings us closer to success. As long as you keep going in the face of setbacks, you are on your way to success.

All right, homework:

Take a moment to think about why you keep going back to the same memories.

2. Find out what people around you are doing less well than you are.

3. Identify the instances where you've succeeded.

Xianjiang, we love you and the world needs you. Believe in yourself and become the best version of yourself!

Hello, question owner. I am Xiaoxiao, a listening therapist at Yi Xinli. You have undoubtedly suffered a great deal over the years.

Your description distresses and saddens me. Major events (or perhaps trivial matters to others) affect us constantly, blurring our vision of the future. We carry too much and endure too much.

You had to have a lot of courage to write down these questions. It's not easy to reopen old wounds and face such a painful past.

I can also feel your unyielding spirit and your struggle. You have had breakdowns, you have constantly attacked yourself, and you have faced so much hurt. Yet you have still struggled to grow upwards and continue to seek ways and means to not give up hope.

From your description, it's clear that your troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. You crave good relationships but also want to be yourself in them. You want to connect with others but also want to be the best version of yourself.

You protect yourself from being hurt by defending your "face."

I was misunderstood in front of everyone, and I didn't explain.

You are careful to please, humble yourself, lose yourself, and suppress your true inner feelings. Even if you feel aggrieved or angry, you are unwilling to explain. First, you feel that explaining is useless. Second, you are unwilling to explain because you don't think you are good enough. In fact, you really haven't done well in many ways.

Question owner, I want to know what has happened over the years that has made you so demanding of yourself. I'm sure you've noticed at some point in the past that not only have you not gotten the relationship you want, but you've also gradually lost yourself in the process.

You need to stop dwelling on the unhappy moments of the past.

Our relationships with ourselves and others are shaped by our experiences with our parents. The way we are treated by those around us often becomes internalized as the way we treat ourselves. Even as adults, we may still hold onto the beliefs and expectations instilled in us by our parents during our childhood. We may also unconsciously assume that others will treat us in the same way.

We have expectations of ourselves and others, and they always fail to meet our expectations, causing frustration. Some people blame external factors, while others blame internal factors. We are familiar with past patterns, so we believe we are not good enough and the future will not be good enough because of the past. This gives us a reason to rationalize.

You need to move away from the unhappiness of the past.

1. Understand your feelings better and treat yourself well.

There is a psychological technique called "writing therapy." When you are unhappy, you can write it down. This process does not require thinking; just write whatever comes to mind. You must include the events that happened, your feelings, and your expectations.

You must learn to see yourself with a third eye because others do not see you.

2. Learn to build relationships with others flexibly.

In a good relationship, you can express your true thoughts and feelings while also understanding the different voices of others.

For example, you should learn [Nonviolent Communication] (four steps).

First, observe and pay attention to distinguish objective facts.

Express your feelings and experience the feelings of others.

State your needs without emotion.

Make your own requests.

Nonviolent communication is an effective way of communicating. Try it on yourself.

3. Find your own needs.

You always reminisce about the unhappy bits of the past. I want to know what you really want in your heart.

When we look to the future and become goal-oriented, we will know what we really care about.

The process of change is slow and painful. Worrying about other people's opinions is something that many people experience. We all go through difficult times. You will get better, and you will do so slowly. I wish you the best.

Greetings, inquirer.

A detailed reading of your description revealed the following aspects:

1. Recurrent recollection of past negative experiences, such as verbal missteps or failure to meet expectations.

2. They are frequently misunderstood and reluctant to provide explanations, demonstrating a tendency to prioritize their own image and avoid accountability for their actions.

3. They are unable to extricate themselves from past mistakes, and emotions overwhelm reason, causing a breakdown when under a little pressure and uncontrollable crying.

Please elucidate the concept of self-esteem.

Self-esteem can be defined as the result of an individual's self-evaluation of their social role. It encompasses aspirations for achievement, a desire for superiority, and a sense of self-confidence, as well as a need for prestige, dominance, and appreciation.

The gratification of the need for self-esteem engenders a sense of value, strength, and status in an individual. Conversely, the frustration of self-esteem can result in feelings of inadequacy, weakness, the development of low self-esteem, and even the loss of confidence.

From the concept of self-esteem, we can see that when an individual is constantly immersed in a state where they feel that they have said or done the wrong thing, been misunderstood, and have no defense, their self-esteem is also simultaneously being frustrated. This results in a sense of collapse and powerlessness, a lack of self-confidence, and what we call an over-strong and sensitive self-esteem, which is a manifestation of the pursuit of perfection. While having a strong self-esteem is not inherently problematic, it is also important not to overdo it. It is my hope that the questioner will be able to adjust appropriately, love and respect themselves, encourage themselves, and gradually regain confidence through some periodic successes.