A 27-year-old woman, afraid of being controlled by her parents, too shy to speak to others?

Hello, girl. You need to be given a big hug.

Your detailed description reveals the immense suffering you endured at that age. I am amazed at how you managed to get through all these years.

"The lucky ones use their childhood to heal their whole life."

"Unlucky people spend a lifetime healing their childhood."

From that incident in fifth grade to now, it's still so vividly remembered. It shows how much it affected you. Hello, girl. You need to give yourself a big hug.

Your detailed description reveals the immense suffering you endured at that age. I am amazed at how you managed to get through all these years.

"The lucky ones use their childhood to heal their whole life."

"Unlucky people spend a lifetime healing their childhood."

That incident from the fifth grade of elementary school that you still remember so vividly shows how profound its impact was on you.

At 27 years old, you have your own thoughts, you are independent, assertive, and you have other good qualities.

As a respondent, I refuse to blame my parents for the following reasons:

Mom and Dad, I don't know about your childhood, especially before you turned 10. I can never know your past, but I can imagine it. I can picture your childhood experiences and the era and family environment you lived in, and I can see what kind of childhood shaped you into the mom and dad you are.

I don't know how you feel after reading it, but I know this: your parents' attitude towards you after you started working has improved the childhood shadows that remain. You can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Growing up has a price. Everyone's original family is different and has its own trauma.

Now that we are all adults, we must constantly repair our inner flaws.

You deserve congratulations on your well-being.

Hello, question asker. I'm happy to answer your question.

First, I admire your determination and courage, and I can really relate to your desire for a better future. Second, in your description, I see an overly frightened child, curled up in a corner, licking her wounds alone, terrified of her mother.

I haven't been able to get over the inner trauma of my childhood so far.

Next, I'll quickly run through what I've learned from this.

The impact of our family of origin on us

The original family is a living system, an organic whole that sticks with us throughout our entire life journey. The trauma suffered in childhood won't just disappear on its own. It'll stick around in our hearts and still show up when we're adults in certain similar situations or emotions.

If we want to heal the wounds in this area, we have to learn to heal ourselves. One way to do this is to learn to have the "courage to be hated" and try to seek professional psychological counseling or help.

As much as we can, we should try to get to know ourselves better. Those of us who have survived in such an environment are likely to have a biased view of ourselves and to have internalized our parents' views of us.

So, we need to give ourselves an accurate self-assessment.

The Zhouhari window model suggests we start by drawing a four-square grid on a piece of paper.

Then, write down separately:

The public self is similar to a resume; the blind self is the part of the self that others know but you don't. We need to learn to recognize the public self and the blind self.

The steps are simple: just fill in the two boxes with words that describe yourself. The more the better! Then, you can ask your friends, relatives, colleagues, leaders, teachers, or anyone else you think can help you to evaluate your answers. Once you've done that, just circle the similar parts.

This is a great way to get to know yourself better.

It's important to learn to regulate your emotions.

First, it's important to accept our emotions.

It's important to accept your emotions rather than trying to ignore or rationalize them. This will help you to calm down gradually.

Next, identify your own problems.

Learn to distinguish between your own issues and those of others. List them out and you'll be able to find a solution.

Finally, try to take your mind off things.

It's important to learn to enjoy yourself. Try to do things that make you happy or that you're interested in, and go for walks in nature.

Hello, question author!

After reading your account, I just wanted to give you a hug! It sounds like you really suffered growing up in such a family.

There's a saying: "Unlucky people spend their whole lives trying to heal from their childhood, while lucky people are healed by their childhood." It goes to show how much a person's childhood affects them.

So, what are the signs of a child who has been regularly beaten and scolded since childhood?

1. Kids who are raised with a lot of physical discipline and criticism will always be afraid of their parents and authority figures. They may become submissive and react strongly to any noise in the house. Kids who are constantly beaten and scolded will have a poor relationship with their parents when they grow up. They will always want to escape from the family because they are in pain.

2. Kids who grow up in a world of constant shouting and swearing will lack a sense of security. The family should be a safe haven and a solid support for children, but if parents shout and swear at their kids all the time, it can cause serious psychological trauma.

The child will become more timid and introverted, which will make them feel powerless. A child who doesn't feel secure is more likely to be sensitive and have a harder time in life.

They're afraid to stand up for themselves and have trouble forming relationships with others.

3. Being beaten and scolded often can lead to low self-esteem in children.

Kids who grow up in violent environments tend to be very self-conscious. When they're suppressed by their parents for a long time, it directly affects their self-confidence. They often feel like they're bad, which is why their parents treat them this way.

It's important to remember that parents play a big role in their kids' development. How they raise their kids affects how their kids turn out as adults. So if it's really for the kid's benefit, it's time to ditch the idea of "spare the rod and spoil the child."

So, how do you do it?

The person asking the question is already an adult and is responsible for their own life. Parents are the gateway to the world, but they are not in control of our destiny.

We need to take control of our own destiny. Kids who grow up in such an environment are inherently very powerless. If they want to change, they need to regain a little bit of their power. Otherwise, they simply won't be able to take action.

1. Learning about psychology can help you heal your inner child, differentiate from your original family, be aware of yourself, reconcile with your parents, reconcile with yourself, accept what's already happened, be tolerant of yourself, see the merits of your family, empathize with yourself, and care for yourself. Through psychological counseling, you can gradually regain your strength by healing your inner wounded child, accepting what's already happened, seeing your own merits, and more. This requires taking action step by step, which you can do by reading relevant books and articles on psychology.

If you ask in counseling how long it will take to heal, the answer is that it could take a very long time.

If you want to change and you don't want to continue suffering, then what does it matter if it takes a lifetime?

As you work towards healing, you may gradually become more aware and start to feel less pain. However, if you avoid facing the issue and don't make a commitment to change, you'll likely remain stuck and continue to suffer.

2. As an adult, when you encounter your parents' moral kidnapping, you should choose to refuse, rather than submitting to their demands and compromising your own life. As people who have gone through life, parents certainly have lessons to learn from, but not all of them are applicable to us. We should selectively accept them, rather than blindly submitting to them.

Maybe we never doubted our parents' "good intentions" for us, but using our own experience and knowledge to influence other people's choices is really not in our best interests. We must remember that what we consider to be good for us is truly what is good for us!

Take control of your own life. We are independent individuals, not just a part of someone else's team.

The world is rooting for you, and I'm right there with you!

Hello!

After reading your description, I am also filled with sadness. But it also makes me think about how we can help these parents! The question asker was also strong enough to endure until the age of 27.

I can feel the sadness and helplessness of the questioner, and it's so interesting to me that the effects of our original family on us are so many and so far-reaching, extending even to the present day!

There are some things in life that you cannot choose, and parents are one of them. We have the exciting opportunity to accept them, and while we may not have the choice to accept the harm caused by our original family, we can choose to turn it into something positive!

I once heard this incredible story:

There were two twins who lived in a slum. Their parents had no education and were at the bottom of society. They could not find good jobs and the family conditions were extremely poor. The parents were indifferent to each other, and the father often drank and beat up the twins. But then something amazing happened!

The twins grew up in this environment, but after they became adults, the older twin not only moved out of the slums and became a respected lawyer, he also had a happy and contented family, and his children were smart and positive. However, the younger twin still lives in the slums, just like his father. Not only does he have a bad job, but he also drinks and beats his children.

Later, a reporter had the chance to interview the twins and asked them the same question: "Why are you living this way?"

The younger brother replied with a glint in his eye, "What can I do? I grew up like this, and I lived like this when I was a child."

The older brother replied with a determined look on his face, "When I think back to my childhood and the experiences I had, I swear I will never let my children go through what I went through."

Adler, the founder of humanistic psychology, once said something really interesting: it doesn't matter what happens, what matters is our interpretation of it!

We have the power to choose how we deal with fate! We can either resign ourselves to it or take control and be proactive.

We may not be able to choose our parents, but we can choose how we view our childhood!

And now that we are grown up and have become adults, it's a whole new ballgame! Our parents no longer have any power over us.

The good news is that the questioner has been under the pressure of his mother for a long time, and he can get rid of the fear of his mother for the time being!

Now that we're grown up, we have the incredible opportunity to choose how we view our childhood. We can also choose to see beyond the limitations of what we think is unchangeable. Sometimes we don't even know where our thoughts come from, but that's okay!

But today, we have the amazing opportunity to choose to see it, to see your thoughts. There is no need to do anything or fight against it. It is enough that we can see it!

I truly believe that the questioner has already changed while seeing! Just like the two brothers in the previous story who made their own choices—whether to choose the older brother or the younger brother!

I really hope my answer helps the questioner! Thanks so much to everyone for your time. I'm Jiusi, on Yixinli, and I love you all!

Dear questioner, Thank you for your question.

From reading your description of the problem, I can sense your fear and anxiety, as well as the suffering you must be experiencing. I would like to offer you a hug in the hope that it might help to make you feel a little more empowered.

If I may, I would like to address the issue of fear.

From reading your text, it seems that fear is a pervasive emotion throughout the article. Would you be willing to take a moment to find a personal and private space and vocalize your feelings? You are not alone in feeling scared.

May I ask if that is okay?

I would like to invite you to do this because I believe it can help you release some of your fear.

When you are caught in fear, it can often leave you feeling uncertain and stuck.

It might be helpful to consider releasing some of our pent-up fears. You might also find it beneficial to write them down on paper.

I would like to suggest that we call this gadget "writing therapy."

2. Regarding parents:

It might be helpful to consider that the way your parents treat you could be perceived as somewhat immature. Many parents, including your parents, may be subconsciously worried that their children will leave them.

It is possible that they may unconsciously seek to exert control, belittle, deny, and blame their children to a certain extent.

Zeng Qifeng, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist with a dual background, once offered the following insight:

It could be said that love creates separation, while abuse creates loyalty.

It could be said that if parents were to give their children more psychological nutrients such as acceptance, tolerance, and understanding, their children would be able to achieve even greater heights. This could be seen as a form of separation brought about by love.

It is important to note that abuse can be overt or covert. When our feelings indicate that we are in pain, it is essential to be vigilant and attentive to our needs.

Could I ask what the source of this pain might be?

If I may make a suggestion, it would be to respect your feelings. When your feelings are saying, "I have been accused, denied, threatened, and hurt by my mother," it may be helpful to consider that there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

This is an important first step towards self-awareness and consciousness.

It is important to remember that your parents' actions are not your fault. They may have been limited in their ability to love you, their child, in the way you needed.

Please don't feel sorry or embarrassed. This is not your fault. You deserve to be treated gently in this world.

3. With regard to the original poster, it may be worth considering that the idea of moving out is actually feasible.

I believe that the idea of moving out, which you have mentioned, is actually feasible. I also want to reassure you that there is no need to feel guilty.

There are many ways to show filial piety, but perhaps not by dwelling on feelings of guilt. It could be said that guilt-laden filial piety is not truly filial piety, but rather a misguided approach.

Filial piety that is truly meaningful is about finding happiness in your own life and then using that happiness to repay your parents.

It might be helpful to view the relationship between the controller and the controlled as a duet. When you take the initiative to withdraw from this dance of control, it could potentially lead to a cessation of the dance.

However, when this controlled dance of two halves comes to an end, it is possible that your mother may experience a sense of fear regarding your departure. This could potentially lead to an increase in her attempts to exert control over you.

It is important to note that you do not intend to abandon your mother. You are not being unfilial or heartless. You simply wish to create some distance between you and your mother, both physically and mentally, in order to improve your well-being.

It might be helpful to think of this as building a sense of boundaries in psychology. A good intimate relationship requires some distance, which can also be seen as intimacy.

You might consider trying to put these ideas into practice.

4. Could I perhaps inquire as to how we might go about healing ourselves?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider ways of moving on from a victim mentality, healing ourselves, establishing a more balanced relationship with our original family, setting clear boundaries, and developing emotional resilience. As adults, it can be beneficial to learn to manage our emotions and try to see our inner child with compassion.

Over time, our injured parts will naturally heal, change, and evolve. This is the natural law of life.

If we can learn to get along with ourselves and achieve self-harmony, we may find that we have the ability and energy to influence our relationships.

I hope the above answers are helpful to you. I wish you well in all your endeavors.

Hello, question asker!

After reading your words, I just want to give you a big hug! I can feel your fear in every word, and I can sense your sense of powerlessness even through the screen. You have suffered so much over the years!

I'm sending you a big, warm hug! ??

First, look outward. From childhood to adulthood, I was scolded by my mother, and my father ignored her or joined in the scolding.

In fifth grade, my mom slapped me for homework problems (it was pretty intense—she slapped me on both sides and I got a nosebleed!). She grabbed my hand and put it on the cutting board, threatening to chop it off with a kitchen knife. She said that if I didn't listen, she would cut off my ear! I could already feel the cold blade on my skin, and I was pretty scared at the time.

Reading this text, I feel a chill down my spine, the imagery is so strong! Oh, poor child, how scared and helpless you must have felt in fifth grade!

But don't worry, none of this is your fault. It's just that your parents don't understand family education. It's totally normal for parents to be sick and for children to take medicine! I really want to exclaim: On the importance of family education!

Secondly, take a look within. As the saying goes, happy people use their childhood to heal their whole life, while the unfortunate use their whole life to heal their childhood.

The good news is that you can change this situation. The not-so-good news is that your parents left you with some psychological baggage from your childhood. But you've grown up now, and you can work through it. You have the ability to change this situation.

If the outside world doesn't give you that sense of security, then look within, my friend.

How do you face your parents? I believe that your childhood experiences have left a lasting impression on your heart. The memories from those times bring up feelings of fear and unease, which you remember vividly.

Parents should take responsibility for the feelings you shouldn't have to bear. But they didn't know how to love their children back then. I truly believe they loved you from the bottom of their hearts, but they chose to suppress you through education. They thought that would motivate you to grow up, but they forgot you were just a child!

I just wanted to give you another warm hug!

I know it can be tough facing parents like this. I've been there myself! It's natural to feel like rejecting them, especially your mother, who has had the dominant role since you were little. But now that you're an adult, have you thought about having an in-depth conversation with them about your feelings and thoughts?

I truly believe they love you. Which parent doesn't love their child? You are so much more powerful today, no longer the helpless child. You have so much more knowledge and culture to communicate with them. You may not necessarily get an apology from your parents, but I think you should give it a try!

? Finally, there are two sets of relationships in the family of origin that have the greatest impact on our ability to develop and manage intimate relationships.

First, let's talk about our relationship with our parents.

And the second thing to think about is the relationship between your parents.

In our hearts, love has five amazing abilities: emotion management, storytelling, empathy, permission, and influence. They are a complete system that works together perfectly and are so important. If you focus on just one ability, you might only get half the result with twice the effort.

? Happiness is something you can't achieve by changing other people. It comes from accepting them for who they are, growing yourself, and learning to get along with them. It's not something you can find outside of yourself. Look within to find it.

It's totally normal for the mother's behavior to be related to her own family of origin. It's also possible that it has a lot to do with your father. If you want to dig deeper into the inner motivation, I suggest you find a professional counselor. Pain often comes from a lack of ability to love!

Greetings. I am a heart coach. I will provide you with a supportive and empathetic presence as you share your experiences.

I embrace you with tenderness, recognizing the profound impact of your experiences. From childhood to adulthood, you have endured scoldings and beatings at the hands of your mother. You have borne the brunt of her emotional volatility, facing her wrath with no apparent provocation. Your aspiration for paternal protection has also been thwarted.

As a child, you were unable to protect yourself or escape from the situation. Now, as an adult, you have the capacity to secure employment and generate an income, as well as the autonomy to make your own decisions and pursue the life you desire.

1. You were not at fault.

From the information provided, it can be inferred that your mother displayed a tendency towards short-temperedness and a proclivity for mood swings. She exhibited a lack of emotional control, and as a result, you, a young child, were compelled to bear the brunt of the consequences that should have been hers.

Although she is your mother, she also has her own limitations, which are related to her perception. These limitations are shaped by her upbringing, her parents' educational standards, and her capacity to learn after birth. Perceiving your mother's "imperfections" entails, first, recognizing her as a human being and, second, acknowledging her status as your mother.

It is important to note that seeing does not necessarily imply forgiveness or acceptance. However, it can facilitate an understanding of the underlying reasons behind a mother's violent behavior. The notion that even tigers do not eat their cubs raises the question of why the mother in question treated her daughter in such a vicious manner. Understanding the reasons behind such behavior can assist in moving forward from it.

The past cannot be altered, despite the fact that you were not at fault. However, the events of your childhood and your current life have been unhappy, and you continue to experience distressing emotions.

However, it is possible to alter one's perspective on the matter.

It is also important to consider the emotional state of your mother. It is possible that her behavior is a result of an inability to love and express love for her child.

It is similarly conceivable that she did not receive sufficient affection from her parents.

Even her marriage to your father was unhappy. She was unable to regulate her emotions and, lacking an appropriate outlet for them, directed her frustrations towards you.

As a fellow mother, I question whether she truly suffers from nervous issues.

By acquiring a more nuanced understanding of the multifaceted dimensions of a given situation, one can gain a more expansive range of options. To illustrate, one might consider the following example.

2. Assume the role of the primary decision-maker in your own life.

As previously stated, the experience of being dominated by one's parents belongs to the child, who is unable to fully exercise their independence and protect themselves due to a lack of judgment and ability.

Now that you are an adult, you have the capacity to serve as your own "significant other," thereby providing yourself with the mental nourishment necessary for maintaining physical and mental health, and thus nourishing and protecting yourself.

It is important to achieve psychological separation from one's parents. This can be conceptualised as a process of separation from one's mother, similar to the physical separation achieved through the umbilical cord.

Each individual possesses their own life, and no one, including one's biological parents, can control another's actions unless the latter chooses to allow it.

One can begin by disassociating oneself from an environment that has caused harm and continues to do so. It is possible to move on from a situation of domination and to embark on a new phase of one's life.

It is evident that this process requires a considerable degree of courage. The trauma that has been experienced necessitates a long-term healing process. It is therefore essential to safeguard oneself from any potential further harm.

3. Overcome fear and achieve a breakthrough

Fear is the consequence of two opposing forces that exert influence over our lives.

The first is the power of building walls.

In order to gain a sense of security, individuals will construct various forms of barriers to safeguard themselves. For instance, if an individual is fearful of being reprimanded by their mother, they may choose to conceal their illness.

The first is the force of tearing down walls.

While walls provide a sense of security, they also impede our ability to engage with the world. When our connection with the world is disrupted, we experience feelings of loneliness.

When sufficient security is attained, some individuals will proactively dismantle existing barriers. By eliminating these obstructions, they gain expanded living space, a broader worldview, and enhanced opportunities for interpersonal connections and activities.

These two forces are in direct opposition to one another, and the extent of one's life space is determined by the extent of their competition.

An individual who is inclined to demolish barriers will have access to a more expansive world. Conversely, an individual who is driven to fortify boundaries will have a more limited world.

The extent of one's world is contingent upon the degree of one's sense of security.

In the absence of security, how might one overcome fear?

1. It can be posited that behind every traumatic experience lies a potential for growth and insight. By dismantling the barriers that impede our progress, we may uncover valuable lessons that foster self-confidence, courage, and autonomy.

2. Initiate the first step with courage. If one does not embark on the journey, how might one ever arrive at the desired destination? (For example, it would be prudent to avoid the company of parents who have caused one harm; one should live one's own life.)

3. Transform fear into anger:

Fear and anger are two mutually reinforcing emotions. When expectations are not met, when needs are not fulfilled, and when boundaries are perceived to be violated, the emotion that arises is anger. This emotion serves as a protective force, safeguarding boundaries and maintaining a sense of personal integrity.

Anger serves a protective function when one experiences a sense of harm or threat. It can be conceptualized as a vital energy that safeguards the individual's well-being.

Anger can manifest as aggressive behavior, which ultimately places one in a disadvantageous position. Anger is not inherently positive or negative; rather, it is a force that serves a protective function.

The recommendation is to transcend one's original family and assume control of one's life.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information is beneficial to you. I extend my utmost respect and affection to the world and to you.

Should you wish to continue the communication process, you may click on the "Find a coach" option, which is located in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will communicate and grow with you on an individual basis.

Greetings. I am a mental health counselor at the national second-level of practice.

After a thorough examination of the provided account,

One may perceive an increase in distress, a sense of domination by one's parents, and a reluctance to engage in communication with others.

You are a 27-year-old female who has been working since an early age and has endured physical and verbal abuse from your mother since childhood. You experience significant emotional distress on a daily basis and feel that you have no avenue for communication with your parents. You are in a state of emotional detachment. You desire to move out of the family home, but your parents accuse you of being unfilial and heartless.

You experience negative emotions, but you believe that modifying your parents' behavior is not a viable option, so you intend to leave them and establish an independent residence. Is that accurate?

In the event that one's parents make the assertion that one is unfilial and heartless, what are the subsequent thoughts and emotions that arise?

In the event that your parents make such a statement, do you experience a sense of trepidation and bewilderment?

Do you still perceive your parents to be a significant influence in your life, despite having reached the age of 27?

In point of fact, you have already reached adulthood and are thus capable of making decisions autonomously. The assertion that you are unfilial and heartless is predicated on the assumption that your parents are judging you according to their own standards. Do you accept this judgment? If so, it will have an effect on you. If not, it will not affect you. How do you feel?

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