Am I worried about being too old, yet don't want to settle for an average life? Is my boyfriend really the right person?

Hello, question asker. I have a question for you.

I hug you.

From what you've told us, it's unclear whether your boyfriend cares about you. We project our partners into our subconscious as ideal parents, so we often repeat trial and error just to experience a sense of familiarity.

What level of domestic violence did your boyfriend commit? Domestic violence is graded on a scale.

Check it.

The mildest forms of domestic violence, such as a slap or a kick, must be recognized by the other party as having consequences. The other party must understand clearly and unequivocally that violence has consequences and that those consequences may be severe. The motive and behavior of the perpetrator of domestic violence must be addressed immediately.

If he threatens to kill you, you must protect yourself by taking his words seriously. You don't know what he'll actually do.

A slap, kick, or punch is worth about 3 points. A shove, pull, push, or shake is worth 2 points. If he raises his fist at you or makes a gesture that he's going to hit you but doesn't, it's worth 1 point.

A threat to hit someone is worth between one point and 0.5 points, depending on the severity and context of the threat.

If there is bleeding from the assault, it is worth four points. This includes if someone is pushed and falls to the ground and hits their head, or if there is blood, or if someone is slapped and bleeds, or if someone accidentally sees blood. The severity of the situation is irrelevant.

Five points is a clear dividing point. It is equivalent to a broken bone or, in severe cases, a serious bruise, or multiple blows causing extensive abrasions.

Six points are: threatening behavior, threatening language, threats, shouting, and fighting.

A grimace on the face and high emotional intensity are also key indicators.

If the shouting and threatening is accompanied by high emotional intensity, a grimace, and accompanied by behavior such as strangling, breaking bones, threatening with a knife or cutting some part of the body, all of these are seven points.

An 8 is choking someone until they pass out, causing a short period of shock, or beating someone up and causing a miscarriage.

If he gets six points, you can go to the police and get a protection order.

We must learn to love ourselves and not marry someone just to be someone's shadow. Do not internalize your boyfriend's negative comments and think you are not good enough.

Affirm yourself more. Understanding, respect, and equality are the conditions for an intimate relationship.

I'm long overdue. Yiyi World of Psychology, I love you.

It is clear from the above content that the questioner has been greatly hurt by their family of origin.

The father's verbal and physical abuse of the mother, his unreasonable anger, his male chauvinism, his critical nature, etc. are clear indications of his inability to treat her with respect.

These experiences have significantly influenced the questioner's choice of partner.

The father's behavior left the questioner with the impression that it is all of the above, which undoubtedly leads the questioner to believe that men will behave in the same way as their father. Having a disappointed attitude towards men, the mother—that is, the female role—will undoubtedly believe that women in the family need to bear this.

Do not underestimate the power of a common saying. And do not forget that a father's mantra is to output negative emotions to his children.

A mantra is a kind of suggestion.

If it appears frequently, it can easily give someone a hint. The power of suggestion is very strong. You may have heard about it before, but I'll say it again. Some of the content in the self-help books on the market will tell you to say things like, "I'm great, I'm smart," in your heart before going to sleep or after waking up.

If you want to know more about suggestion, read about a psychological experiment in which a psychologist went to a school, tested the IQ of a class, and randomly selected a few students, telling the teacher that these students were geniuses. After a few months, the expert returned to the school and retested the IQ, and found that the IQ of these "genius" students had really increased.

This is the power of suggestion. Suggestion is everywhere in our world, and it's challenging to avoid it. That's why it's crucial to be able to distinguish it.

The father represents authority for the questioner. You, as a child, cannot discern whether what he says is correct or not, and you must accept it unquestioningly. As I previously stated, if you tell yourself every day that you are the best, your self-confidence will undoubtedly increase. However, if you tell yourself every time that you fail, your subconscious mind will believe that you are a failure. This will inhibit you when doing things and cause you to fail frequently. These failures seem to confirm the subconscious mind's view, creating a vicious cycle.

This will undoubtedly lead to a very pessimistic mood.

From the way the questioner describes her boyfriend, it's clear she's acutely aware of his shortcomings. He's a "burden" in her life, both in terms of work and in terms of life.

The OP has very low standards for his partner, even though he doesn't do any housework, has slapped him, and has taken a kitchen knife. This is a direct result of being influenced by his father.

This person is just as good as the father in every way, so there's no reason not to get by with them.

What is the purpose of finding a partner?

Do you want love? Have you achieved your goal?

Past experiences make the questioner eager and afraid to start a new family.

The questioner is in a weak position in this relationship. He may be better off than the object, but he is still submissive in front of him. It's likely that the object he imitates is his mother.

An experiment proves that a person who sees what their parents look like is likely to become that person when they grow up. This is true even if they hate the way they look.

This is the power of example.

The questioner is only 28 years old and already thinks she's getting old and worried about her future life.

It's simply not true. The person who asked the question probably lives in a place where people have a more radical view of marriage. But you have to live your life on your own, and you have to endure the hardships in life by yourself. No one can go through it for you.

People may say things like, "You're getting on in years, you still don't have a partner, you still haven't got married, you still haven't had any children, etc.". These are just words. If you give in once, you'll give in a second time.

They'll tell you that married life is better, and they'll probably use examples from their own lives or those of their friends. But they won't tell you about the pain they've experienced. Maybe at one point they were also helpless, but as time passes, the painful memories will be buried deep in the mind. They may have truly forgotten, or they may not want to think back.

They just tell you the good things and ignore the bad. There is no absolute good or bad, so you have to choose.

That's irrelevant. I want to make it clear that if you make a decision, you have to accept the consequences and not regret it.

If you are still young at 28, you will gain a deeper sense of love from wealth and freedom.

Life is hard enough already. When given a choice, make it easier on yourself and don't compromise.

Marriage is not that important to modern people. If you get along, you get married. If there are no property disputes, that's even better. If you don't get along, you get divorced. No one can guarantee that they will only love one person forever. Your emotions may tell you that you can, but your rational mind knows better.

As long as there are no children involved, everything is fine.

Having children will undoubtedly create a lot of trouble.

Pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, etc. are basically all tasks for women. Despite the growing awareness of the importance of paternal involvement in parenting, the reality is that there are still only a few men willing to participate.

But less does not mean no.

If you learn about the story of childbirth, it will scare many women away from marriage.

Prenatal depression, postpartum depression, the pain of childbirth—there's a lot more.

You can overcome tiredness in life with distraction, hard work, or by developing new interests.

You will make better choices when you feel positive.

Talk to more people. You will definitely meet someone who understands you. There are so many people in the world.

If you're feeling lost and anxious, write it down and think intuitively about what to do.

Hi there, I can tell you're going through a rough patch.

Your family wasn't a happy one. Your father was often abusive towards your mother, irresponsible to the family, and often blamed you too, making you feel pessimistic about life.

At 28, you find boyfriends who are not as impressive as you'd like. You feel that although they are lazy and unproductive, they are better than your father.

You often find yourself stuck between breaking up and settling for someone. On the one hand, you're worried about getting older and not finding someone better. On the other hand, you don't want to settle for someone just like that for the rest of your life. Is that right?

I get it. You want to find a better partner, but your father's words are holding you back. You feel like you can't live a happy life, and you're filled with despair and helplessness.

You deserve a better life.

You feel sad and desperate about the way your father treats your mother and you. You don't really know what a normal family is like.

You don't know what true love is and you don't believe you'll find it. You even feel you don't deserve love or to be treated well.

So, in the process of finding a partner, you'll probably end up with someone who is worse off than you in every way. You'll think that only in this way are you worthy of each other.

But, my dear girl, please believe that, on the one hand, your parents' relationship is just their own way of getting along, and you can live your life differently from theirs. You have the right and ability to live the life you want.

On the other hand, you deserve someone who makes you happier and more content. You don't have to continue repeating your parents' lives. You absolutely deserve a better life.

Parents aren't the be-all and end-all.

Dad's words, "This can't go on, it'll ruin everything," have made you lose confidence in yourself. You feel like you're not good enough, that you can't take control of your own life, that you don't know what you want, and that the future is bleak.

It's important to remember that parents are just ordinary people with many limitations. They can't predict our future, and they're not the answer to all our problems.

You can try to test out their advice in your own life. For instance, you could start with small tasks and see how you handle problems on your own, to see if they're right.

You can also look at how happy people are when they get along with each other, try to connect with people who are a better fit for you, and see what happens.

I encourage you to trust your gut and believe in your ability to achieve a better future.

Wishing you the best!

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

I hug you because your original family was not happy enough. You know this has a great impact on you, especially on your emotions and demands. You often imitate your father's way of blaming yourself.

When looking for a partner, we unconsciously seek someone different from our parents because of our resistance to our original family. The questioner believes her boyfriend is still okay because he is different from her father.

The questioner feels her boyfriend is inferior in many ways, including education, finance, and motivation at work. He also blames others for his problems. While he claims to care about her, he went clubbing with friends when she had a fever. He slapped her and threatened her with a menu. Based on the questioner's description, I'm saddened. Everyone fantasizes about love and wants a partner who loves them back. However, the one the questioner met is clearly there to hurt her.

I don't know what a normal family is like anymore. I'm going to break up with him and move on.

You need to find a partner with a secure attachment to reinvent yourself.

Your original family has influenced you, and you've been affected. You think you'll only be happy if you find a partner who isn't like your father, and your life will be different from your parents'. But your boyfriend has character flaws. He uses violence to solve problems between you, which shows he's learned from his father. He's seen this kind of behavior a lot, so when there are conflicts between you, he'll only use this method to solve them.

He is not the right person for you in terms of attachment. You need to find a partner with a secure attachment to learn what the right character and attitude are, which will help you reshape yourself. It may not be easy, but you can do it. Don't give up. Life is not something to be half-hearted about.

There is no formula for happiness. What suits you is what matters.

The original poster said they don't know what a normal family life is like. There is no fixed answer to this because everyone's idea of happiness is different. Some people are very poor but happy, while others are very rich but unhappy. The more contented a person is, the happier they are likely to be because they are content.

When you're tired after a long day, you want to go back to a place where you know you'll be loved. You want to be with someone who loves you and who you know loves you back. He doesn't need to look at you all the time. He puts you in his heart and shows you with his actions that you're his priority. You can relax and feel free when you're together.

That kind of life is also a kind of happiness, and it is also normal family life. What is normal and what is happiness depends on how much you pursue it.

A low-quality marriage is not as good as being single.

The questioner feels he should get married because everyone around him is married. This is a normal expectation. We all want someone to be there for us.

Marriage is not a compromise. There are still many years ahead of you after marriage, so it is crucial to choose a compatible partner. You already know that life after marriage will probably be like this. After you have children, you will no longer be financially independent, and he will still be the same. Do you want to live like that? What can such a marriage give you?

Invest more time in getting to know the other person. If he can't give you happiness, he's not worth your continued devotion. Think carefully about how to handle the relationship, and trust that what you learn from this relationship will help you find the other half who is more suitable for you.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the original poster.

Hello!

I'm a mindfulness coach. Learning is a treasure.

From your description, I can tell you're struggling.

I won't go into your family troubles, but I have three pieces of advice:

First, try to understand yourself and comfort yourself.

This will make your heart feel better and help you think about what to do next.

Your family was unhappy. Your father beat your mother. He didn't share the housework or value your work. He picked on you. This has affected your views on marriage and yourself. If someone had the same life experiences as you, they would probably be just like you. They would not know what a normal family or partner is. The negative impact of the original family is profound. We grew up watching our parents to understand love and marriage. We also judge ourselves based on our parents. Try to understand yourself, comfort yourself, and see that the pessimistic mood is serious. You are worried about your age. You don't want to suffer for the rest of your life. This will give you mental energy to think about other things. Otherwise, your brain will always be filled with negative emotions.

The only way to change things is to accept yourself. It may sound strange, but it's true.

Secondly, think about your own state.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality.

To have a rational view, you need to:

Your idea of not wanting to settle for life shows that your current life isn't what you want.

Your heart is telling you that you shouldn't get married just because you're old.

If you settle for a lifetime together, you will regret it. A marriage without happiness is hurting you.

Second, you can overcome the negative influence of your original family.

Your family of origin has had a negative influence on you. You imitate your father's tone of voice when he criticizes you, which means you are aware of the problem and this is the beginning of change.

You have good qualities. You can express yourself and learn. You can reflect on yourself. You are motivated. Your father's accusations are irrational.

You are good and worthy of love.

A good partner is not just someone who doesn't say harsh things.

You said your boyfriend has been your boyfriend for two years. You think one good thing about him is that he doesn't say mean things when you don't do the housework. You think this is better than your father.

Your father's criticism and rejection have a negative effect on you. You think that if he wasn't so unpleasant, you'd feel warm and loved. This is normal, but a good partner is more than that.

A good partner is responsible, cares about the other person, and is reliable. This isn't necessarily linked to education. If he doesn't work hard, has a history of unstable employment, and avoids responsibility, he lacks a sense of responsibility. If he hits you and doesn't care if you get sick, he doesn't care about you. Be cautious about this relationship. You can't just settle for it because you're getting older. At 28, you're not that old.

When you think about it rationally, some of your negative feelings might go away.

Focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better.

When you think about it, you'll know what to do. Then, focus on yourself and do your best.

For example, you can re-examine your relationship. Do you really feel happy? If you don't know what a normal family is like, you can ask yourself: Do I really like him?

Do I want to be with him? Do I admire him?

Do I think the days ahead with him are full of confidence and expectation?

When you think about it, you'll know the answer and feel better.

You can accept what you cannot change and change what you can. When you improve yourself, you will be more confident and optimistic.

You can also talk to friends who have a happy family life. You can learn from them and see what a normal family life is like.

Give yourself time. Don't get married just because. Learn to love yourself and others. Know you can improve the situation.

Taking action helps you deal with negative emotions.

I hope this helps. Click "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom to talk to me one-on-one.

Hello!

Maybe they've never experienced love before, so they don't know what it's all about. Otherwise, how could someone be so battered and bruised, and still be afraid and hesitant to leave because they would become even more lonely and helpless, and lose even more?

Until I saw more misfortune, I had patiently advised people with these problems and those seeking help. From the perspective of the original family and the feeling patterns in adulthood, and with a full understanding of the world view and self-worth, I wanted to open the long-forgotten, neglected, and forgotten heart. I found that there are still many people who choose to turn back and choose to take the "old road." Even if they don't choose the old road, they won't lose anything! The answer is because this is the only familiar road to them. Therefore, for people who lack a clear understanding of themselves and lack inner energy, I hope that they can see their own state of lack of energy and be able to start with themselves, strengthen their hearts, and not fantasize about a "savior" mentality when facing difficulties. The solution to problems requires real ability, not prayer and turning a blind eye.

To stand up in life, you need strength, and you can have it!

1. Build up your own abilities and don't rely on others!

If you want to be recognized, cared for, and looked after, you need to realize your self-worth! Don't settle for a role identity or sacrifice for the sake of "love." You are worthy of love and respect! People without abilities are implicitly denying their self-worth, while people with self-worth are necessarily independent in their lives. Not only can they be financially independent, they can also be spiritually independent. Only with an independent personality can they be "self-sufficient" in terms of internal energy replenishment, and will not frequently enter a state of power deficiency, needing to rely on the outside world in order to find a sense of self-existence.

In the face of the disadvantaged supply of the "original sound family" and the intentional or unintentional neglect of her boyfriend, she must first assert her right to defend her own rights and interests. She must instill a sense of their strong negative energy and dare to say no. Because a fish cannot survive if it leaves the water, but the water will not die if it leaves the fish. What if "you" are the "water"? Therefore, before you ever compromise, ask yourself, "Am I the fish or the water?"

2. Have your own principles and respect and love yourself!

Which is more important, self-respect or self-love? The answer is both! There's no need to agonize over this question. Self-respect and self-love often go hand in hand, unless the person is not truly self-respecting or self-loving.

A person who cares for herself has a healthy emotional energy balance and is able to detach herself from problems and maintain her self-respect! She doesn't wait to be hurt before healing herself.

My father is a man without responsibility. His emotional system is like a faucet that has lost its switch. His family is a vent for his emotions. Without an audience, he cannot complete his perfect play. Therefore, family members with weak personalities can only be manipulated. But this is my father's wishful thinking and obsession. As adult children, we don't need to be manipulated anymore. If there is something that needs to be done, the only thing to do is to plug your ears, turn around, and leave. Take responsibility for your emotions and do what you should do. This is how you become responsible for your life and grow mentally!

The boyfriend is a "mixed" grade climber. He's young and healthy, and he's got a lot of potential! He's probably someone who has given up on himself, someone who has given up on self-improvement. If a partner wants to complete their own blueprint for life by changing the other person, it is not an exaggeration to say that this is "daydreaming." Ideals need a realistic foundation, and this guy has room to grow! He's young and has not yet formed a family, so at least his living habits are benign. If you want to regenerate something that you don't have, it will take a long time to carve it. The boyfriend is not ready for that yet, but he will be soon!

It's so important to have our own inner principles and bottom lines in life! These are things that we should never let others touch at will. Without principles and bottom lines, we are vulnerable to others and have no ability to fight back.

3. Learn and absorb more knowledge to improve yourself—it's a great way to grow!

People in their late twenties have anxieties about marriage because the threat comes from the "uncertainty" of finding a partner and the "fear of losing" them. However, if everyone marries because of their anxieties, it will be difficult for such marriages to be free of anxieties. But that's OK! Because they did not think enough before marriage and consider the future, the results of their choices will be less than satisfactory. But that's OK too! Because we can learn from our mistakes. And we can make better choices next time.

So, what can we do when we feel anxious?

Anxiety does not disappear on its own. But don't worry! Its existence is simply a reminder of the need for "threats." And the good news is that not all anxiety needs to be filled with greater anxiety or "uncertain" choices. Instead, we can choose to fill it with more specific self-confidence. And this self-confidence is something that we can improve through learning!

For example, if a child's test scores decline significantly, the parents will be quick to point out the child's shortcomings, when what the child really needs is encouragement!

Similarly, if you want to find an ideal partner, then you need to raise yourself to a corresponding value level and attract an outstanding partner with higher-quality energy. When you do this, the ideal partner will be attracted to you, your sense of spiritual pleasure will be satisfied, and you will be able to live a happy life!

Age is no reason to choose misfortune! Make a choice that's true to your heart, stay away from misfortune, and protect yourself with your strength!

Best regards!

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, and I'm here to coach Fei Yun with all my heart. I'm listening to your emotional story with the greatest attention and care.

From what you've written, it seems like you're not totally happy with your boyfriend. It's understandable that it's taking up a lot of your mental energy.

You know, we have different educational backgrounds. I have a bachelor's degree, and he has a technical college diploma. Before we got together, we even went to the police station for four months because of the mistakes we made. We don't work hard and have never had stable jobs. When we're not busy, we play games. He blames our lack of jobs on the company. In terms of life, he cooks, but apart from cooking (he knows exactly what dishes and bowls I need to wash), he doesn't do any housework. It's exhausting, isn't it?

You've already discovered many of your differences, and you already have the answer within you. You're just not quite sure yet.

Since the beginning of time, marriage has been more about "matching social status and family background." It's only natural that people with different aspirations and values won't always see eye to eye.

First, it's important to consider the interests and hobbies of both people in the relationship. If you enjoy staying at home and he loves going out all day, it can be tricky to find ways to keep each other emotionally satisfied.

Second, it's also important to consider the living habits of the two people in the marriage. It can be as simple as smacking one's lips when eating, or belching too loudly. Believe it or not, some people's marriages have even broken up because of differences in the position of the toothpaste tube!

And there's more! Marriage is a two-way street. It's not just about the two individuals involved, but also about the two families. The wedding is a time when family dynamics are put to the test. And after having a child, it's important to decide who will take care of the postpartum period and who will look after the grandchildren. This will affect the married life of the couple.

"If Only I Knew Before Marriage" is a great marriage guide. It's so important to work through any issues before tying the knot, as there's less room for error once you're married.

2. Let's talk about how your family of origin affects your marriage and how your dad influenced you as a daughter.

At the heart of marriage is the beautiful idea of creating a new family by choosing one representative from each of the two families.

It's totally normal for each of us to bring some of the patterns of our family of origin into our own marriage. After all, we learn these patterns from our parents' patterns and the way they interact.

That's why there's the saying, "There are six people lying in your marital bed."

It might be helpful to think about the way your parents interacted with each other and see if there are any similarities in your interactions with your boyfriend.

It's so sad that your father's violence towards your mother has become an unfinished business in your heart. You wanted to protect your mother, but as a young child you were powerless to do anything. It's so understandable that this unfinished business has stayed with you as an adult.

In your intimate relationship, your subconscious mind "pushed" you to find a man who had been violent towards his partner, and in this way you "saved" your mother. So, some good girls repeatedly encounter "scum men," and there are such reasons for this.

Fathers have a huge impact on their children's lives, especially daughters. Daughters are so lucky to have dads who give them so much! Daughters get so much from their dads, like the confidence to be proud of who they are and the love and support to grow into amazing women.

And fathers also give you a great model for how to get along with the opposite sex in the future! Even when looking for a partner, you'll look for someone who's similar to your dad.

I'd highly recommend reading the book "If Fatherly Love is Absent" – it has a really detailed introduction!

Love is something we can choose to give to others, and it's different from our basic needs.

From 0 to 3 months, our parents shower us with unconditional love, which gives us the wonderful ability to love and connect with others.

Love is a kind of ability. Some people are "love-impaired" or "love-dependent," which is totally okay! It just means they sometimes get confused between love and needs.

For example, I'm thirsty and what I need now is a glass of water. This is a "need." When I've quenched my thirst, I can still choose what drink to have.

And the same goes for love! When we have the ability to love, to love ourselves enough, and to also take care of the needs of the people around us, that is "love."

Your relationship with your boyfriend is really a reflection of your "needs." It's totally normal to keep looking until you find what you're looking for.

Just like a hungry person, he will find something to eat. Even if it's not the healthiest option, he'll eat it because he's so hungry!

Everything that isn't healed will be passed on to your children. Even if you're worried about being an older single woman and the pressure to get married, it's so important to think rationally. Marriage is about your own lifelong happiness, not for others to see.

I really hope this helps you out! Sending you lots of love and support ??

I must say, that was my initial reaction after reading your description.

I'm concerned that your boyfriend has hit you, and you are still with him. For the sake of your son, I would gently suggest that you consider ending the relationship.

I believe this may be the case because your father's behaviour within the family has potentially influenced your concept of choosing a spouse.

The father treated the mother poorly, and she endured it. You, in turn, may have unconsciously gravitated towards a man who shares some similarities with your father.

It would seem that the parents' relationship may have a significant impact on their children's views on marriage partners. It is possible that a daughter who has experienced domestic violence may seek a similar relationship in the future.

It is possible that a son may end up being similar to his father.

My friend, it might be helpful for you to consider moving on from your family of origin. The standard for a good man is that he is considerate and caring, and that he is aware of his own limits.

It is generally understood that the standard for most men is to leave after getting angry instead of hitting women. A man who hits women may be perceived as lacking emotional control, which could potentially impact his ability to manage his emotions at work and in other social contexts. This could also affect his ability to compete with other males in the future.

All things considered, it may not be the most promising of futures.

I can see that you have a realistic point, and I appreciate that it may have ignored your feelings for him. However, if you love him very much, it's a different story.

I believe my analysis above is based on a rational assessment of the situation. It is simply an analysis of the pros and cons.

It is also worth noting that this analysis is limited to the issue of his violent behavior. If there are other positive qualities that you find attractive, it is up to you to consider and evaluate them.

I've never personally encountered a man who has been violent towards women, whether they're classmates, relatives, colleagues, or spouses.

It is my humble opinion that men who hit women may have difficulty controlling their tempers. I believe that the vast majority of men, about 80%, would never hit a woman. You can ask other men about this if you'd like.

It could be said that men are less likely to be as emotional as women and are generally better able to control their emotions because they believe that hitting a woman is a sign of weakness. This is from a biological perspective, as well as from a psychological and worldly perspective. Therefore, men are hindered from hitting women in a variety of ways.

I must admit that I am struggling to comprehend and accept the fact that he is still hitting his wife.

It's understandable that you might have formed this impression, but it's important to remember that your father's actions were not justified. He did not fulfill his responsibilities as a father and did not take care of the two women in the family. This is something you deserve to be loved and treated equally for.

It is becoming increasingly common for people to treat each other with respect, even if they are not romantically involved. This applies to colleagues and friends as well as romantic partners.

For example, the following are real examples of the behavior of two of our company's female colleagues' husbands after marriage. One husband will take the initiative to pick up his wife during her pregnancy. The company gives out a lot of New Year's goods, and his wife doesn't even think about it before asking her husband to drive her back. His husband quickly comes to pick her up without saying a word.

The other husband, when his wife was pregnant and asked him to drive her to pick up the New Year's goods, explained that he hadn't finished work in time for her to take the tram back by herself. It's worth considering how you would feel in his position. Do you think you would be happy with the second husband in the future?

One's behavior can say a great deal about a person. It depends on how you observe this man in a relationship, whether there is true happiness, and it depends on your own choice. Some men are not as compatible as others.

When you're in a relationship, it's not enough to simply consider whether a man is nice to you. It's also important to look at a person's character as a whole. For example, how is this person with friends and in their career? Do they have a sense of responsibility and motivation, as well as compassion?

It is often the case that a person's character can be discerned from their interactions with others and the way they care for those close to them. A man who loves you will often look at you tenderly and show you care in ways that are apparent to you.

I truly hope that you will be happy if you are able to find such a man. It would be wonderful if you could see clearly and not let your descendants repeat the suffering of your original family.

Perhaps it would be helpful to rely on your own observations and feelings. It's understandable that women are more cautious when choosing a man, given the pain that giving birth can entail.

I believe you are correct in your assessment.

Good day, my name is Huang Xiaolu.

Despite the negative influence of your father's words, you have obtained a bachelor's degree, secured employment, and established a romantic relationship. You are a young woman with her own opinions and aspirations. You are striving to improve your circumstances, and you deserve success.

Let me first discuss my initial impression after reading your description.

Your question contains two affirmative sentences and one interrogative sentence.

Affirmative sentence: "Worried about getting old, but don't want to settle for life."

One concern is that you feel 28 is a relatively old age, and you are not confident in finding a satisfactory boyfriend again.

One is that you have now made it clear that this boyfriend is not an optimal choice for you.

Please advise if you believe your current boyfriend is the optimal choice for you.

As you have already indicated, your current romantic situation is satisfactory, which raises the question of whether this individual is the optimal partner for you.

It is crucial to understand that physical violence is unacceptable. It is not necessary to forgive; rather, it is essential to recognize that women are not merely accessories, let alone necessarily married to a partner. You are an independent individual capable of thriving independently. When you prioritize your own well-being and become a more confident person, you will naturally attract more suitable partners.

Furthermore, many individuals assert that the original family has caused harm. However, I do not fully concur with this viewpoint. You have matured and now reside in a location separate from your family home.

You have completed your education, secured employment, and established your own lifestyle. You have formed your own social circle and now possess the resilience to support yourself and become an independent individual. In the past, your father's words have contributed to your growth and self-reliance, which are now key factors in your ability to succeed. As for the rest, you just need to focus on self-development.

The 28-year-old in your heart is already quite old, and you may not be able to find a suitable boyfriend. Are you planning to enter into a marital relationship? I feel helpless about these thoughts, rather than that you really agree with this argument. You hope for the best in the future, but you don't feel supported by the people around you. Yes, we all need support. This support can be provided by family, friends, teachers, etc., and it can even be self-provided.

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It is time to move on from a life you do not enjoy. There is no need to wait for the wrong person to make the first move. You deserve better. Your father's opinion of you has shaped who you are, but it should not limit your future. You have the option to make a change.

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I'm going to share my thoughts, for reference only.

Let's talk about the original family. I always traced my character back to my original family, and I'm certain that before we formed our own perceptions, our original families had a significant impact on us.

However, I have since come to realize that my search for my original family is no longer a priority for me.

Parents, too, have their limitations. Their generation may have lacked love and recognition even more. They also bring the wounds of their original family into their marriage. In their married life, they may not have had many opportunities or awareness to seriously examine their own state. This is not only their own limitations, but also the limitations of the social environment. They just followed the way from their original family model to run their own marriage.

We have suffered a lot of wounds from our original families. This was my initial assumption, but then I asked myself two questions: first, did my parents want to be good parents and did they want a good marriage? The answer is clearly yes. They did their best to give us a good life, even if sometimes it was not what they thought was good. But from their perspective, they definitely wanted to give it to us, didn't they? So instead of complaining, we should be grateful. Thank them for raising me in a marriage that was not very harmonious. This was no easy task.

Parents don't intend to influence us negatively. Some may say otherwise, but they do influence us imperceptibly. We don't have to accept this negative influence. In the relationship between parents, we can't draw a line between their entanglements, their love, and their hatred for each other. This is something they have to deal with, and I can decide not to be influenced by them. This is an important boundary.

I decide that my heart will not be hurt.

I have used this boundary for a long time to keep myself away from many relationships, such as those with my family of origin, colleagues, friends, partner, and children. When boundaries are clear, relationships are handled more calmly, and emotional buttons are not triggered so easily.

Let's talk about intimacy. The truth is, there aren't many couples in marriage whose world views completely align. They come from different families and grow up in different environments. The so-called perfect couple shares the same goal for marriage and has formed a consensus on how to achieve this common goal. If our original intention is to have a long and happy marriage, we will think about whether a conflict goes against our original intention and how we can resolve it in a way that is consistent with the goal of marriage.

If you have already encountered so many problems before marriage, it is crucial to find an opportunity with a positive atmosphere to calmly discuss with your boyfriend whether you can reach a consensus on marriage. If two people have the same goals and are willing to work towards them, they can undoubtedly solve problems encountered along the way in a positive and proactive way.

If you can, move on. Extreme solutions are not the answer, especially when this situation keeps recurring. If there is no way to reach a consensus or you continue to do things your own way during a conflict, then it's time to part ways.

Don't expect things to improve after marriage when there are already problems. Understand what you want for yourself. Don't ignore other problems just because of your age. And don't trust your partner because they have a different personality from your father. Two people in a marriage are partners, which means that they have to work together in the relationship and share the same goals.

In marriage, it is crucial not to place expectations on your partner. If you expect them to behave a certain way because you are entrusting the rest of your life to them, you will find it difficult to be happy. By giving up your right to happiness, you are also giving up your partner's happiness.

This is a very common pattern in marriage.

You must grow up and think about what you want from life. Approach your life rationally by breaking away from the framework of your family of origin. Only when you are clear about yourself will you be able to handle any relationship with equanimity.

Hello,

Your father is violent and often beats you. Parents learn their parenting styles from their own parents, and this can't be changed. You can't change your father, so it's better to accept him.

You have strong feelings for this boyfriend. Why stay with someone who isn't serious about work?

Your boyfriend may satisfy your spiritual needs or make you dependent on him. You may not be mentally or personality independent. Your boyfriend's presence may be a threat. If you think he's the right person, you may have to put up with domestic violence. It may threaten our lives, so it's important to know the other person before remarriage.

I hope you can be mentally independent and figure out your needs. If you need care, can you give yourself care, love yourself, and think for yourself? Even if he loves you, he can't use violence against you. If he hits you, is that love? If you forgive him, you may lose your life. A tendency toward violence shows what kind of person the person is. I suggest you leave your boyfriend and love yourself. When you learn to love yourself, the right person will come for you.

I hope this helps.