Anxious attachment, how can it be better transformed into a secure attachment?

My little friend:

Hello!

From your description, it seems that you know yourself very well. You say that in an intimate relationship, you are not quite sure whether you are loved, so you have to test and confirm your position in your partner's heart again and again.

You really feel your emotions deeply and try to connect with your partner on a really intense level.

How should you love someone? Let's find out together!

Let's explore how you can maintain an intimate relationship over the long term!

I'm excited to help you find the answer to this question: How can you feel safe in a relationship and no longer be tormented by separation anxiety?

You have so many questions! Let's dive in and explore them together.

Let's dive into the fascinating topic of ambivalent attachment together!

People with ambivalent attachment are very sensitive to emotions and are often afraid of being abandoned. Even as babies, they have learned to amplify expressions of pain in order to gain the attention of unreliable parents and prevent the attachment object from leaving.

During their early interactions with attachment figures, they formed the idea that intimacy is promising. They also learned that it can be lost at any time. So their behavioral strategy is to amplify the pain and suppress their autonomy, which will hinder their ability to explore the world and themselves.

They will focus more on seeking intimate emotional needs, and they'll be amazed at how capable they are!

I'm excited to develop my awareness and reflective functions and release my autonomy. For you, this is both a challenge and a path to healing.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear Question Asker, I am honored to have received your invitation and thank you for reaching out.

You inquired about the best way to transform an anxious attachment into a secure one. From your question, it is evident that you are seeking guidance on attachment patterns.

Let us examine the issue in greater detail.

You indicate that you experience heightened insecurity and worry in intimate relationships. You recognize that your partner cares about you, but you find yourself repeatedly seeking reassurance. When you engage in conflict with your partner, you may intensify your emotions and feelings, often influencing your partner's actions through a victim mentality.

You may feel that you are unable to love someone and are unsure of how to maintain a long-term relationship. This may be related to your early experiences, including instances of abandonment and separation since childhood.

This has left a significant impact on your psyche, resulting in a high level of separation anxiety. You are motivated to understand how to overcome your trauma of separation and transform your anxious attachment into a more secure one.

As a result, you feel secure in your intimate relationships. I will now discuss my personal experiences of transformation in this area and the insights I have gained, with the aim of providing inspiration for you.

However, I would like to first discuss the positive aspects of your profile that I may have overlooked.

You are a positive, motivated, and studious individual.

I am unaware of your level of interest in psychology or your formal education in the field. However, I find that you have a comprehensive, clear, and precise understanding of attachment patterns in psychology. You have also demonstrated an ability to apply this knowledge to reflect on your own attachment patterns. In addition to identifying your attachment patterns, you have also identified the reasons behind their formation.

This is an excellent illustration of the concept that "to learn is to know the why as well as the what." You are a highly effective learner, a brilliant thinker, and a discerning questioner. I commend you for this admirable approach and encourage you to continue your excellent work.

If you can maintain this approach over an extended period, you will undoubtedly reap significant benefits.

From a stance of non-acceptance to one of acceptance, and from acceptance to a stance of change.

It is important to recognize that you have separation anxiety and an anxious attachment pattern. Accepting these aspects of yourself is the first step in addressing them. Research has shown that change occurs when individuals move from a state of non-acceptance to acceptance, and then from acceptance to change.

The next time you experience anxiety or discomfort, allow yourself to acknowledge the emotion for a brief period and engage with it constructively. Listen to what the emotion is communicating to you. When you truly engage with it, you will find that it is not as intimidating as you initially perceived.

It should be noted that befriending your negative emotions is a process that requires time and patience. Initially, you may only be able to spend a limited amount of time with them, but this is to be expected. With repeated contact, you will gradually become more tolerant of dealing with negative emotions. Over time, you will be able to address these emotional issues in your intimate relationships more effectively.

It is important to learn to communicate with yourself in a constructive and affirming manner.

If, on one occasion, you were in an intimate relationship and you sensed that you were afraid of separating from the other person, of losing them, you can use this as an opportunity to reflect on your own emotions and behaviour. You can ask yourself:

Please clarify whether the other party is intending to terminate the relationship. What is the current status of the relationship?

What are the reasons for his desire to leave? If he does leave, will you be able to live your life independently?

In order to find the answer, it is necessary to ask yourself the relevant questions on a regular basis. When you receive a positive answer, you must affirm the result and tell yourself that your relationship is safe, that the other person will not leave you, and that even if you are left alone, you can still live your life well. You will take care of yourself and love yourself.

If you have the opportunity, I would encourage you to read Liu Tong's "If You're Alone, Then Be Alone."

I recommend reading this book to gain the strength and confidence to manage your life well, even if you are living alone. It will also help you to understand how to be yourself in relationships.

There is a saying: "If you bloom, the butterflies will come; if you are wonderful, the world will take care of you." I am pleased to be able to share this with you.

I extend my best wishes to the original poster and hope that my response is helpful to them. The world and I wish you well!

Dear questioner, My name is Annie.

From the content of your question, it is evident that you are currently in a romantic relationship and are experiencing feelings of anxiety and fear. You are highly preoccupied with your partner's actions and seek greater security in the relationship. You are distressed by any speculation that could potentially lead to a separation and experience significant mood swings when your partner is unable to comprehend your feelings. It is recommended to provide the questioner with a supportive gesture of comfort.

The questioner indicated that they experience significant separation anxiety in romantic relationships. This anxiety is rooted in childhood experiences of abandonment, which has shaped an anxious attachment style in intimate relationships and a reliance on relationship security. This has resulted in heightened sensitivity, vulnerability, and susceptibility to emotional distress, as well as a history of suffering.

The primary theme of your romantic relationship is anxiety. As soon as you perceive the slightest inclination on the part of your partner to terminate the relationship, the anxiety associated with separation is triggered. Once your attachment system is activated, you become consumed by the singular objective of "staying with him." This results in a state of constant vigilance, in which you seek reassurance from your partner. When you engage in conflict with your partner, you intensify your emotions and frequently adopt a victim mentality, attempting to compel your partner to act in accordance with your desires.

The anxious state is not an accurate reflection of one's true self. It is a defensive behavior adopted due to feelings of insecurity. However, these behaviors are not conducive to relationship growth and may even be destructive. If one's partner can respond to one's needs and restore one's sense of security, one will be able to return to a state of normalcy and calm one's anxious heart.

The questioner inquires as to the means of overcoming their trauma of separation. It may be advised that they select a partner who provides a sense of security.

A man who is consistently supportive and attentive may not be particularly exciting, but his affection will be enduring. Alternatively, it is recommended that the individual seek the guidance of a psychologist to address any attachment-related issues stemming from childhood experiences.

In response to the question, "How can I better transform my anxious attachment into a secure attachment so that I can feel secure in an intimate relationship?" the following advice is provided:

The initial step is to acknowledge and accept one's genuine emotional requirements.

When the questioner experiences separation anxiety, they may also realize that the out-of-control behavior at the time was not what they wanted, but rather an unmet emotional need. This realization should not be attributed to personal fault, as needs are not inherently good or bad. The desire to find a reliable partner is a natural human instinct.

One can attempt to reassure oneself with the following statement: "I am aware that I am particularly insecure and prone to worry. I am cognizant of the fact that the other person cares about me, yet I find myself repeatedly seeking reassurance. Despite my feelings of anxiety about separation, which I recognize as a natural aspect of myself, I am committed to embracing my authentic self."

"I can gradually become aware of my anxiety. I am aware that I possess the capacity to enhance it, provided that I am able to identify my requirements and explicitly convey to the other individual the specific outcome I desire, thus enabling them to gradually comprehend my emotional state."

When an individual is able to accept themselves, they are also able to soothe their emotional feelings.

Secondly, effective communication

This is an efficacious method of conveying one's emotions and articulating one's thoughts in a candid manner, thereby forestalling the onset of defensive behaviors in the face of anticipated anxiety.

For example, if one is aware that the other person cares about them, yet still finds oneself checking in with them repeatedly, one might consider attempting a different approach.

"It is imperative for me to ascertain that our relationship is stable. Despite my awareness of your affection, there are still aspects that instill a sense of unease within me. Your assurance can swiftly alleviate my distress."

In addition to honesty, specificity is also crucial. To illustrate, if one is annoyed that the other person has not returned a call, a suitable response might be:

"I contacted you yesterday, but you did not respond, which caused me considerable concern."

It is unnecessary to make unsubstantiated allegations; rather, it is sufficient to convey the facts of the situation and one's emotional state. Engage in a rational discussion and respond in a manner that aligns with one's needs in order to achieve one's desired outcome.

Thirdly, it is recommended that sensitivity be regarded as an advantage.

In an intimate relationship, the sensitivity of the questioner may cause significant distress, as the individual may perceive developments earlier than others and experience heightened emotional responses. However, if one allows for a longer period of reflection and consideration, a different perspective may emerge.

It is imperative to refrain from hasty conclusions and immediate reactions. When confronted with feelings of anxiety, it is crucial to pause and engage in self-reflection, inquiring: "What is occurring? What are my thoughts?"

One must inquire as to the veracity of the claim. Additionally, one must consider their emotional state.

What is the optimal subsequent action?

Allowing additional time for reflection and analysis will facilitate a more accurate understanding of one's surroundings and the utilization of sensitivity as a strategic advantage.

It is my hope that the above text will prove to be of assistance to you.

I wish you the best of success.

Dear Questioner, You have clearly invested a great deal of time and effort into studying and reflecting on your experiences. This has enabled you to gain a deep understanding of yourself. However, when these wounds are triggered, they can also affect our interpersonal interactions, particularly in close relationships. Many teachers have provided excellent explanations of various techniques and emotional processing methods. Therefore, I will not reiterate them here. Instead, I would like to share two key insights with you. These are designed to help you break the cycle of "blaming others" followed by "blaming yourself." Best regards, [Your Name]

How can psychological "injury" be repaired?

It is not always the case that self-reflection or enlightenment is sufficient to facilitate healing. In many instances, it is necessary to engage with a range of positive experiences in order to rebuild new experiences and facilitate healing. One example of this is the experience of being abandoned. When we encounter the same behaviour in ourselves and, instead of running away, we engage with a positive object in order to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, we gradually come to identify with the idea of "I am worthy of love" on a physical and mental level (in this context, the role of the counsellor is often that of a positive object). When we subconsciously begin to believe that "I am worthy of love," the life-threatening calls, suspicions, doubts, and humiliations in interpersonal interactions gradually become more resilient.

This process requires time and experience.

A good object is not exclusive to a consultant. In many instances, individuals elect to become their own good object, subconsciously adopting the belief that they have matured and no longer require adherence to certain cognitive biases "educated" by their family of origin. These biases may include the assumption that parental divorce is a reflection of personal inadequacy, or that being abandoned signifies the loss of all one has.

It is often the case that good objects originate from one's partner, trusted elders, mature friends, or colleagues. These individuals are typically referred to as "important people." It is recommended that you attempt to experience and discover the good objects that are present in your environment.

Does having a beneficial object necessarily result in pain relief or personal transformation?

The answer is unfortunately not always straightforward. It is not always the case that individuals choose to maintain the advantages they already have, even when they are experiencing pain.

For example, a call that challenges one's comfort zone can provide immediate relief from unease and anxiety. It creates the perception of control and instills the belief that the other party will respond in a desired manner. Once the other party responds, this perception of control is reinforced.

This pattern will likely continue until it loses its effect and completely destroys the intimacy in the relationship.

The practice of "communicating" by making threatening calls is not inherently negative. However, in that moment, we may have chosen to express our emotions at the expense of a more constructive approach to the relationship. At any time, we have the right and opportunity to make a new choice. It is essential to understand whether a relationship or emotional catharsis is the more beneficial option in a given situation. Selecting a goal that aligns with your character will also lead to the desired outcome.

From these perspectives, please examine your motivation to exit this cycle. What is the message conveyed by the "reaction" that you cannot do it? I believe that your exceptional self-exploration skills will prove invaluable in this process.

Hello, question asker.

First of all, we commend you for your studiousness and keen powers of observation!

From the material you have presented, it is clear that you are a hardworking and introspective girl.

You know very well, through your psychology studies, that you have an anxious attachment style and that your interactions are negatively impacting you.

You quickly realize that these patterns are related to your own early abandonment experience. The trauma of early separation

These are the root causes of the current predicament in our intimate relationships.

We must discuss the fact that even if we understand the impact of childhood experiences on adult life,

This is because:

First, we must acknowledge that the reconciliation we understand on our own may only be based on psychological theories and has almost nothing to do with the opening of our subconscious.

Complexes have nothing to do with it. Psychoanalytic explanations say that the unconscious can be healed, and that almost

We must promote the growth of our personality and thus improve our intimate relationships.

Second, in reality, counseling practice, even if the subconscious mind is healed, it is not enough to simply say that it can help us heal our intimate relationships. This is because

Our early years of growth shape our behavioral habits and cognitive patterns. These patterns are deeply ingrained and cannot be changed unless we relearn them.

If you lack the basic interpersonal skills, you will find it challenging to integrate into an intimate relationship.

Third, you must understand that you only use psychological theories to explain the predicament you are in with your intimate relationships.

You won't get valuable advice unless you have an objective understanding of the basics.

In other words, you use psychological theories and knowledge to

You're so wrapped up in your own self-constructed reality that you can't even recognize your own personality structure, cognitive characteristics, and behavioral patterns.

You need to understand how this separation anxiety was left behind in those years.

I want to know how the trauma was formed and how it affected you.

You need to deal with any fear complexes.

You mentioned feeling confused and lost in the intimacy of a relationship. Similar problems may also arise in basic interpersonal relationships, such as relationships with family members. Identifying your personality traits is essential, and this requires systematic counseling and guidance.

Furthermore, you must address the subconscious anxiety that has been triggered. This will allow you to release repressed and unfulfilled desires and face new challenges with the help of mature defense mechanisms.

Good day, I am a coach at Xin Tan. I am grateful for the opportunity to address your question. I have taken the time to carefully read your question.

1. Your strengths and power

From what I can see, you are a highly self-aware person who knows yourself very well. It seems that you feel insecure in intimate relationships, prone to worry, and always looking for a sense of certainty in intimate relationships.

You have also invested a great deal of effort in trying to identify the root cause of your distress, and you are aware that it is linked to the separation anxiety you experienced in your early years.

I can see that you are motivated to make positive changes in your life, to heal past wounds, to move on from your current situation, to find happiness and security in a close relationship.

I am pleased to see that you are open to change, which is an important first step in the healing process.

I can see your strength and determination, and I'm happy for you that you've met someone who cares about you. It seems that all the conditions for your change are in place, and it may simply be a matter of taking action and allowing time to accumulate.

2. You may find it helpful to learn and practice non-violent communication.

You may find it helpful to study Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. This book offers guidance on how to communicate with your partner in a constructive and respectful manner.

Perhaps it would be helpful to start by sharing with your partner what you have noticed.

Secondly, it would be helpful to consider what feelings the things you observe might be bringing up for you.

3. Could I ask what the underlying needs might be?

Fourth, it may be helpful to consider making requests of your partner based on your needs.

Intimate relationships are also a type of interpersonal relationship. While it is natural to hope that our partners will change to become what we want them to be, it is not realistic to demand that they do so exactly as we want.

If the other person is unable to fulfill one of your needs, you might consider discussing whether there is a compromise, for example, by adjusting your expectations and lowering them appropriately.

2. Consider learning ways to maintain intimacy.

It is important to remember that your partner also has needs in the relationship. When you are able to fulfill your needs and sacrifice some of his needs, it is a good idea to express your gratitude or give your partner a reward.

It would be helpful to start by taking the time to understand your own needs and those of the other person.

It is not uncommon for people to become impulsive when arguing and for their emotions to run high. This is something that can happen to anyone, but once the conflict has passed and emotions have calmed down, it can be helpful to take a step back and consider the situation from a more objective perspective. This can involve identifying your own needs in the situation and those of the other person.

Could it be that you both have difficulty seeing each other's needs, which leads to conflict? It's possible that you're so focused on the disagreement that you lose sight of the other person's genuine needs and expectations.

In an intimate relationship, it is important to ensure that both people's needs are met, as this can contribute to a stable and happy relationship.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to repair the relationship in a timely manner after a conflict.

It is also worth noting that arguments can serve as a form of emotional connection, which is not inherently negative. However, it is important to recognize that they can also have a detrimental impact on the relationship. Therefore, it is essential to take the time to review and communicate effectively after an argument.

No matter how intense the disagreement may be, it is important to remember to express your love and care for him, as well as the value you place on your relationship, in words or writing afterwards.

It might also be helpful to increase the transmission of love through intimate physical actions, such as actively hugging and kissing each other. It can be beneficial to believe that someone who truly loves you will be able to experience your love for him.

It is important to consider not only what is said, but also the context and the other person's usual behaviour. It is possible that the harsh words were not intended to be hurtful, but rather reflect a different perspective. It might be helpful to think about how you can respond in a way that is constructive and respectful.

If I might suggest, your personal trauma does indeed require time to heal. If you find yourself needing constant reassurance to feel safe, then

It would be beneficial to communicate this aspect of your needs in a forthright manner. It is important to convey that the underlying cause of your trauma and your persistent need for reassurance is not a lack of trust or love, but rather a belief that you are unable to receive love.

It might be helpful to tell the other person the reason why you have been hurt. You might also want to tell him that you need the help of your lover and that you will try to slowly get out of the trauma, but that you need a lot of repeated confirmation before it may happen and that you need a lot of time.

If the other person is able to understand you and provide you with assistance, it would be greatly appreciated. Your lover will undoubtedly be investing a great deal of themselves in the process of helping you to overcome your trauma, and it is important to recognise and acknowledge their efforts.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to read "Knowing How to Love" by Huang Huanxiang and Mai Jizhuo. These two doctors have thoroughly researched intimate relationships, and I believe you might find their insights helpful. First, it might be helpful to understand what kind of relationship is the garden of intimate relationships. Only when you know what a good love relationship should look like can you follow their example.

If you feel you lack the strength to do it alone, you may wish to consider seeking the support of a professional counselor to accompany you through the trauma.

If you would like to communicate further, you are welcome to click below to find a coach to interpret and choose, chat with a heart exploration, and communicate with me one-on-one.

I hope you can find the strength to move on from this experience and trust in the goodness of others. With time and healing, you can overcome the challenges of your past and build a beautiful, loving relationship.

Hello, questioner! My name is Jiang 61, and I'm here to help.

First of all, thank you for trusting us enough to tell us about your confusion and seek our help. You ask, "How might I change from an anxious attachment to a secure attachment?"

It would be beneficial for you to consider ways to change your attachment relationship. Let's take a look at some potential approaches.

1. Conflict management

1⃣️, conflicts in intimate relationships

You said, "In intimate relationships, I feel particularly insecure and always tend to worry. Even though I know that the other person cares about me, I find myself seeking their confirmation again and again. When I have an argument with the other person, I find myself amplifying my emotions and feelings, often using a victim mentality to try to influence the other person to do what I want. Deep down, I admit that I'm still learning how to love someone or how to maintain a long-term relationship."

From what you've shared, it seems there might be a few other areas of your life where you're facing some challenges, in addition to your attachment relationship.

It seems that you may be experiencing an anxious attachment.

It seems that you display nervousness in your attachment relationships and always want to make sure that the other person loves you. This could indicate that you have an anxious attachment relationship.

You tend to blame others for your problems.

You say that you tend to exaggerate your emotions and feelings and often see yourself as a victim. It seems that you may have a tendency to force others to do things your way, which could indicate that you are a blaming type of person.

Those who tend to blame others may find themselves constantly annoyed and accusing, whether it's other people or the environment. This can be a way of protecting themselves, but it can also come across as belittling others, comparing and contrasting one's own situation and feelings, and not caring much about the feelings of others.

As a result, they frequently disregard others, are accustomed to launching attacks and criticism, and tend to deflect responsibility. "It's all your fault," "What's wrong with you?" are phrases that often emerge in such situations.

In terms of their inner experiences, those who tend to blame others often find it challenging to maintain their authority when they fail. They may even choose to isolate themselves from others in such instances.

2⃣, the shadow

It would be remiss of me not to mention the influence of the original family.

Even without reading the introduction, you can sense that you may have grown up in a family environment where blame was a common occurrence. Your childhood experiences may have left a lasting impression on you. It's possible that you were never fully valued as a child and that you were blamed and criticized at every turn.

You have a rebellious streak and tend to respond to accusations in a confrontational manner. You also tend to adopt the accusatory communication style of your family of origin, which has shaped your tendency to be accusatory. When interacting with others, you tend to prioritize your own feelings. If things don't go your way, you may speak in a somewhat harsh manner, emphasizing what you perceive as shortcomings in others while highlighting your own strengths.

It may appear as though the world is at your feet. This is the influence that your family of origin has had on you, and it is also what you might call a victim mentality.

It would be beneficial to consider the possibility that the experience in question may be a form of trauma.

You mentioned that this is related to your early experiences. Since childhood, you have experienced abandonment and separation, which has left a psychological impact on you and caused you to have very severe separation anxiety.

When you mentioned abandonment and separation in your childhood, I could sense your profound sadness. This is a trauma caused by your childhood, and the feeling of helpless pain resurfaces from time to time. You are constantly reminding yourself that you may repeat past experiences, and you are afraid of being abandoned and separated again, so you feel insecure.

2. Psychological impact

1⃣️, Unresolved issues

You are eager to move on from the challenges you have faced in your past family environment and to develop your independence. You value your boyfriend's support and affection, but you feel that he may not fully meet your expectations.

It might be helpful to consider that acting out is not only about attachment, but also about unresolved issues.

You may wish to consider ways of overcoming your anxious attachment and becoming stronger and more courageous. However, you may sometimes feel stuck and lose your temper unconsciously. One possible reason for this is that if issues are not resolved, you may find yourself haunted by the impact of the trauma, which could make you retreat into the past whenever you encounter a similar problem and prevent you from breaking free from the shadow.

2⃣️, Unfulfilled expectations

It's possible that when someone becomes emotional, it may be due to a number of factors, including unresolved issues that trigger emotions or unmet expectations. It's also possible that your boyfriend may not be aware of your needs, particularly if you haven't explicitly shared them with him.

This has unfortunately led to some misunderstandings between you.

3⃣️, ineffective communication

This may prevent you from getting what you need, and the emotions that have been troubling and worrying you for a long time may reappear frequently. It may also be related to your communication style.

However, this way of communicating may not be the most effective. It can make it difficult for your boyfriend to understand your inner needs and expectations, which may result in a lack of approval and feelings of anxiety.

It may be helpful to consider that blaming and criticizing are not always the most effective forms of communication.

3. How to navigate challenging situations

You say, "I would like to be able to overcome my trauma of separation and transform my anxious attachment into a secure one. This would enable me to feel secure enough in an intimate relationship."

It seems that you are eager to make a change and move forward from your current state of insecurity. However, you may be uncertain about how to proceed. There are a few potential avenues you could explore.

1⃣️, consider addressing past issues

If past issues remain unresolved, it may be challenging to move forward and grow. When faced with challenges, it's natural to revisit past experiences and emotions.

If I might suggest, the first step to finding relief from your anxiety might be to consider letting go of the past.

It might be helpful to record your emotions.

It might be helpful to record the time, events, and your mood and feelings when you and your boyfriend get emotional. This could allow you to carefully observe what you really care about.

It may be helpful to identify the root cause of your uneasy emotions in order to find a solution to address them.

Perhaps it would be helpful to say goodbye to the past.

Once you have a better understanding of the underlying cause of your uneasy emotions, you may wish to consider saying goodbye to them.

This kind of farewell involves finding someone you trust to confide in or doing something you want to do. At the same time, it's helpful to remind yourself that these things were challenging for you when you were younger, but that now, as an adult, you have the capacity to address them.

You have the option to express your true feelings directly, without having to engage in conflict with anyone, and to move beyond feelings of fear.

2⃣️, Accept yourself

It might be helpful to consider that your tendency to experience emotions may be influenced by your level of acceptance of your current self. It's possible that your emotional responses, including moments of irrationality, may be shaped by your expectations of your boyfriend aligning with your ideal vision.

To overcome negativity, it may be helpful to accept your current situation and that of your boyfriend. By acknowledging your circumstances, you can avoid exacerbating the problem to the point where your partner may feel the need to end the relationship.

If you think this way, your person will relax and the worry will be eliminated.

3⃣️ It would be beneficial to communicate effectively and meet expectations.

In the past, you expressed your thoughts to your boyfriend in the hope that he would understand and act accordingly. Although your boyfriend did what you asked, it seems there was a lack of alignment in expectations and needs. It's possible that the communication process could have been more effective.

Communication can be defined as the exchange of information. It is a process whereby a message is conveyed to a communication partner with the hope that it will be received and responded to in the expected way. If this process is achieved, effective communication can be considered complete.

It is worth noting that communication encompasses both verbal and non-verbal elements. In many cases, the non-verbal aspect may hold greater significance than the verbal one. Effective communication plays a pivotal role in navigating intimate relationships and complex social interactions.

I believe that effective communication can be achieved by following four simple steps:

It would be beneficial to express feelings rather than emotions.

Step 2: It may be helpful to express what you want, rather than what you don't want. It might be beneficial to express yourself as angry, rather than angry.

Step 3: It would be helpful to express your needs, rather than your complaints. It's also important to be clear about what you want.

Step 4: Instead of dwelling on the current situation, focus on the desired outcome. Consider the big picture and don't get bogged down in the details.

Perhaps you could try communicating your expectations in a different way. It seems that your boyfriend may not fully understand your thoughts and needs. It's possible that you could benefit from expressing your emotions and needs more clearly in these four communication steps. It seems that you're currently using a method that may not be the most effective, which could be contributing to the difficulties you're having in achieving your communication goals. It might be helpful to try a different approach to express your expectations. This could help your boyfriend to understand your thoughts and work with you to overcome insecurity and fear, and to establish a good intimate relationship.

4⃣️, consider a different type of attachment

Now that you have seen that one of the reasons affecting your life is that your anxious attachment has made you insecure and distrustful of others, it might be helpful to start building your sense of security now.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to...

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider allowing yourself to become a secure attachment type of relationship.

People with secure attachments tend to believe that they and others are worthy of love and trust. They often find themselves drawn to relationships that feel and show care, and they often seek out and value the experience of intimacy, emotional support, and understanding. They are not afraid of being abandoned or of being close to others, because they have a knack for establishing stable and trusting relationships.

People who feel secure tend to attract a diverse range of individuals. Their ability to trust others allows them to perceive their actions as generally harmless.

If you would like to make some changes to yourself, it might be helpful to start by building your sense of security. This could involve developing a more positive self-image and becoming more trusting of others.

It would be beneficial to establish a sense of security.

As previously discussed, addressing unresolved personal concerns can help alleviate feelings of separation anxiety and foster a sense of security. By confronting past issues, you can gain confidence in your ability to overcome challenges, trust your partner's love for you, and find resilience even if the relationship changes.

I believe you have established a very good attachment type, which means you have already become securely attached.

Once you have overcome the difficulties of the past and embarked on a new attachment relationship, you will find yourself feeling more relaxed and at ease.

Dear questioner, It would be beneficial to move on from the past. You have grown up, and you will face everything that lies ahead with courage. Believe in yourself.

I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy life!

Good day, question asker. My name is Ying Wang, a practicing psychological counselor.

From the questioner's description, I see a reflection of my former self. Like you, I also had childhood trauma, and then I was very insecure in relationships and even marriage, which led to repeated arguments. However, I was not as fortunate as you, because at first I could still identify the problem. I was completely unaware of it, and I did not realize it was my own problem. Instead, I blamed all the problems on the other person. Nevertheless, in the end, it really hurt me to the extreme, and I began to awaken, embarking on the path of self-growth and beginning to grow and change.

It is my sincere hope that I can provide you with a useful account of my own experience, which I believe may assist you in achieving the happiness you desire.

Indeed, you are now aware of this. You are conscious of your particular vulnerability in intimate relationships and the tendency to ruminate. You lack the capacity to manage these emotions, which results in harm to both yourself and your partner through arguments and the release of pent-up emotions.

The initial step is to learn to take responsibility for one's own emotions. It is crucial to recognize that the source of these emotions is one's own insecurity, rather than the actions of another individual. Furthermore, the behavior of the other person merely serves to evoke memories from one's childhood. Therefore, it is essential to shift the focus from the other person to oneself. One effective approach is meditation. When experiencing negative emotions, it is beneficial to find a tranquil space where one can calm down and gain insight into one's internal state. This involves observing one's thoughts and feelings, including those that may appear negative. It is important to acknowledge all thoughts, regardless of whether they are positive or negative. Additionally, it is essential to acknowledge and embrace one's emotions. This includes feelings of abandonment and a lack of love. It is crucial to acknowledge these feelings and provide comfort to the inner child within. This process can be facilitated by adopting a third-person perspective and engaging in a supportive dialogue with the inner child. Assurances such as "You are good. You deserve to be loved. You don't need to be afraid. I am here with you" can be effective in comforting the inner child.

At this juncture, it is recommended to embrace the discomfort. For instance, one may experience acute pain in the chest, a sensation of breathlessness, and a sense of being overwhelmed. The objective is to simply place one's hand on the affected area, focus one's attention there, and allow oneself to feel the discomfort.

This process may initially be perceived as painful due to the necessity of confronting one's own emotions and experiences rather than relying on external sources of validation and blame. However, it is only through this process of introspection and emotional regulation that one can develop the capacity for growth, healing, and the reestablishment of inner strength, thereby reducing the likelihood of future emotional distress and its associated negative consequences for oneself and those in one's immediate circle. Once one has successfully navigated this challenging phase, the dissipation of negative emotions will become significantly more rapid.

In this process, one also reassures the inner child, which will gradually mature, thus enabling one to provide oneself with security and cease seeking it externally. Additionally, one will cease to incessantly seek evidence of love from the other person and will not overinterpret their words and actions as a sign of disloyalty.

To emerge from a state of victimization is to assume responsibility for one's own emotions. It is important to recognize that, despite the presence of a romantic partnership, the other individual is not bound by any obligation or responsibility to fulfill one's need for security, nor is it reasonable to expect such fulfillment. It is necessary to relinquish these expectations and assume responsibility for one's own security and well-being.

If one does not cultivate one's own growth and development, but instead focuses solely on the other person, it is unlikely that one will achieve one's desired outcome, and one is likely to experience disappointment. It is hoped that this concept can be grasped and that the courage will be found to focus one's attention on one's own growth and development.

It is this author's recommendation that the reader peruse the works of Zhang Defen, each of which is a worthwhile pursuit.

Another crucial point is that you have indicated that your insecurity is rooted in your childhood experiences, which included instances of abandonment and separation. It is likely that you harbor resentment towards these experiences. However, if you persist in holding on to this resentment, you will remain constrained by the influence of your original family and unable to fully flourish. Consequently, it is essential to reconcile with your original family. This process does not entail forgiving them for the harm they have caused you. Instead, it involves acknowledging and healing the emotional wounds they have inflicted. By doing so, you can adopt a fresh perspective and attitude towards the harm they have caused you.

A method of reconciliation may be found in the practice of taking time to calm oneself, writing in black and white a record of one's past experiences, including the pain and feelings associated with them. This written account may then be addressed to the individual who has abandoned and hurt the writer. Upon completion of this task, the writer may choose to deliver the letter to the recipient or to retain it for personal reference. Subsequent to this, the letter may be retrieved periodically for re-reading, accompanied by a record of the writer's current emotional state. When the emotional state indicated by the written account has stabilized, it may be an indication that the process of reconciliation has been completed.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful to you. Wishing you well.

Hello, question asker. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with us. From what you've described, it seems like you might be feeling a bit insecure.

I can appreciate how you're feeling. I sense some anxiety and panic in you, is that correct?

Firstly, it is important to recognise that the sense of security we gain is something we can give ourselves. The sense of security we receive from others is a form of attachment, and this attachment can be taken away at any time. This may be why you are always prone to worry. It is essential to understand that security needs to be built from within, and it belongs to you.

Secondly, in an intimate relationship, it is natural to seek confirmation from your partner to ensure they care about you. However, this can sometimes manifest as an addictive feeling. This way of seeking confirmation may indicate a lack of self-confidence or a belief that you are not worthy of love.

*Then, when you have an argument with the other person, you may find that you amplify your emotions and feelings, perhaps using a victim mentality to try to force the other person to do what you want. It may be the case that you have experienced abandonment and separation since childhood, which could have left a psychological shadow in your heart and caused you to have very severe separation anxiety.

I admire your perceptiveness, and I applaud you for it.

How might you consider making a change?

The experience of abandonment and separation from an early age may have instilled a sense of unworthiness and a belief that you have never been loved. At that time, because you were young, you may not have had the capacity to change anything. Therefore, now that you have found someone who loves you, you may feel the need to exert control over the situation, as if to tell the other person, "Without you, I can't live."

Given your history of abandonment, it's understandable that you feel angry and resentful. You seem to be looking for confirmation from the other person, which might come across as complaining about being abandoned.

Could I ask you to confirm whether that is true?

You may wish to consider ways of increasing your self-confidence and taking responsibility for yourself by doing things that you are confident in or good at.

It might be helpful to talk to the other person about your emotions and feelings, and to discuss what the word "victim" evokes for you.

It might be helpful to try to accept yourself, both the good and the bad, and to try to see yourself in your entirety. This could help you to escape the "victim" drama.

Dear question asker,

It is encouraging to observe your clear insight and understanding of your own performance in intimate relationships, as well as your active pursuit of strategies to mitigate the negative impact of an anxious attachment shaped by your relationship with your family of origin.

A lack of security is a significant factor in this context. The intimacy between members of the original family is often unpredictable, which can result in a lack of clarity regarding one's own existence and value. It is challenging to gain a sense of self-existence and self-affirmation from an unstable intimate relationship. This particular self-need may not have been clearly defined in one's personal growth environment, which can contribute to its persistence into adulthood.

Following the formation of a new intimate relationship, the individual may experience a reemergence of unfulfilled milestone tasks from the previous relationship. This phenomenon, which can be conceptualized as anxiety-based attachment behavior, represents an attempt to compensate for the unmet needs from the previous relationship.

What is the process for establishing a secure attachment?

1. The formation of a secure attachment is contingent upon the establishment of a stable "safe base." In the context of early childhood, the "safe base" is typically the mother. When an individual experiences distress and seeks the protection of the safe base, it can effectively and stably provide what is needed, thereby enabling the individual to gradually extricate themselves from an anxious state.

2. Attachment has a direction, and the new intimate relationship object has become a new direction. It is currently unable to fulfill the need for a secure attachment, resulting in a state of tug-of-war between the two parties. A reasonable approach can promote the continuity and stability of the intimate relationship, which will in turn lead to an upgrade of the relationship and fulfill the psychological needs of each party. However, strong demands will cause the new intimate relationship to develop in an unstable direction.

What is the most effective method for stabilizing self-anxiety?

The questioner's anxiety may originate from the panic of self-existence triggered by external emotions. To effectively control the factors influencing one's emotions in response to external stimuli, it is essential to actively identify and construct strategies for achieving self-identity and a sense of existence.

The questioner may consider establishing short-term objectives within their social context and subsequently devising a methodical implementation plan. By consistently achieving this plan, it may be possible to develop a more stable self-image.

A final recommendation is to cultivate a hobby. This hobby has a positive meaning and can have a beneficial effect on one's life. For example, some people find fulfillment and security in reading knowledge books; some people gain peace of mind by nurturing flowers; and some people find spiritual satisfaction in knitting.

The active pursuit of a method that aligns with one's personal preferences and the deliberate experimentation with effective communication strategies in intimate relationships can lead to the generation of positive energy.

Best wishes for success and self-belief!

Hello, question asker. Thanks for the invite.

From your question, I can see that you clearly recognize your anxious attachment. First of all, anxious attachments are characterized by insecurity, a strong desire for intimacy, and a type of attachment that is both anxious and fearful. People with this type of attachment tend to hope that the other person will pay attention to them at all times, but they're also anxious and afraid of being abandoned.

From what you've said, I can see that you're aware of the traits of an anxious personality and that you know you need to make some changes to feel safe. In fact, this awareness means that we can make positive changes.

Even though you know your partner cares about you, you still check in with them to make sure. You know they do, but you still doubt it. You feel suspicious and distrustful, like you're asking for trouble. You and your partner are mentally and physically exhausted. Security is related to family of origin and experiences in childhood. You mentioned being abandoned as a child, which can greatly reduce our sense of security. This distrust and lack of security cause a shadow that makes you not want to be separated. When you separate or leave, it causes anxiety.

People who experience separation anxiety have weak inner energy. To transform into a secure attachment, we need to feel secure. I think that in order to feel secure in an intimate relationship, we must first feel a certain sense of security in ourselves. For example, we trust ourselves and the other person, we trust that the other person will not abandon us, and we trust ourselves to handle the intimate relationship well and communicate rationally.

It's important to view relationships in the right light. We often doubt our own value and abilities in these situations.

First, it's important to be aware of our emotions. Women tend to be emotional in relationships, so it's easy to become overly emotional about things or to feel anxious. This can lead to doubting our partner, which can damage the relationship. When problems and conflicts arise, we tend to think negatively, which can make us and the other person feel worse. So, it's important to avoid being emotional and to learn to adjust our mentality, be aware of our emotions, and learn to perceive emotions. Try not to let emotions control your emotions when they come up. Use a pen and paper to describe the emotions you're feeling and why they're happening. Give yourself positive internal cues and exercise your inner strength to make your energy stronger.

Secondly, we need to view intimate relationships in the right light. In such relationships, we often feel inferior and doubt our own value and abilities.

Second, we need to view intimate relationships in the right light. In such relationships, we often feel inferior and doubt our own value and abilities.

Right now, it's important to think about intimacy in a logical way. I believe that intimacy can help us understand our own issues and those of the other person. When problems arise, we can see the reasons for our own problems and those of the other person, identify our own strengths and weaknesses, learn from the other person's strengths and weaknesses, express our feelings, and understand that even in an intimate relationship, we need to understand that the relationship requires mutual giving in order to be maintained for a longer period of time.

Third, treat yourself as an independent person. Sometimes we feel insecure and always think that if someone leaves us, we will collapse. This is because we're placing the self on the other person, or our spirit is unable to detach from the other person. If the other person leaves us, we will treat ourselves as a weak person or try to control the other person in order to maintain the relationship. This is actually treating yourself as a weak person or victim or a parasitic animal, not as an independent and complete person. When you treat yourself as an independent person and stop focusing on others, your inner sense of security and inner spiritual strength will be greatly enhanced.

Fourth, stick to your guns and think things through. Sometimes we crave intimacy, so we let go of our pride, try to please the other person, and hope that they won't leave us. Or we constantly show negative emotions, hoping that the other person will see us. But the truth is that

Fourth, stick to your guns and think for yourself. Sometimes we crave intimacy, so we let go of all our pride, try to please the other person, and hope that they won't leave us. Or we constantly show negative emotions, hoping that the other person will see us. But in reality, we are putting ourselves in the other person's shoes, hoping that they will pity us. In this state, we lose our bottom line and the ability to think for ourselves. To get rid of anxiety, we need to have our own bottom line, the ability to think, and the ability to judge. We can accept ourselves and the other person for small things, and express and reject things that violate the bottom line in a timely manner.

Ultimately, everyone is anxious and afraid of being abandoned, but staying in this state for too long is harmful. It's important to take time for self-reflection and rebuild trust in ourselves and our partners. We can take simple steps every day to understand our current state of mind and identify what brings us comfort. This allows us to make necessary adjustments and align our actions with our true needs.

Just my two cents, but I think we should...

Just a heads-up, this is just my opinion for reference.

I hope this helps. I wish you well in getting through this. You can always come to me if you need to. The world and I love you!

Hello!

Hi, I'm Huizuko, and I'm all about lifelong growth. I'm really proud of you after reading your description. It's clear you value self-growth, and you're already great at turning problems in relationships into opportunities to grow and learn. That's a really valuable skill!

From what you've told me, it seems like you're already on the right track! Give yourself some more time and the chance to try out different things. I know you might feel like you know a lot but can't do it, but that's totally normal. Seeing is the first step towards healing, and we can leave the rest to time and the real experiences and feelings that you'll gain through practice.

In the next relationship and in life, I have summarized two directions based on your description. You can continue to practice in these areas and try new modes to replace old ones that cannot meet your new needs. I know it can be tough to change our innate attachment patterns, but you're doing great! It can be seen from the description that you have met a partner who can support and accompany you very well. You're on the right track! We can gradually replace our anxious attachment tendencies through getting along with him.

1. Give yourself the gift of acceptance and embrace your anxiety and insecurity.

Yes, before we can change this pattern, we need to first give as much understanding and acceptance as possible to this old pattern in ourselves. Let's bring them all out into the sunshine and let them dry, rather than just relying on rational thinking to suppress and deny them.

As you mentioned, it's so common to feel like we know we shouldn't do that, but we still have those anxious emotions and reactions. At this point, if we then criticize and condemn such primary emotions, it will continue to generate secondary emotions on this basis, so the emotion will continue to grow uncontrollably until it gets out of control, as you described.

So, it's important to remember that feeling bad about your emotions is not the answer. There are plenty of other ways to deal with these feelings!

If you feel insecure again because of your boyfriend's behavior or because of a certain stage in the relationship, I'd love for you to spend some time with this emotion and see what it has to say to you.

Take a moment to think about what this experience has brought up for you. Have you been thinking about your childhood experiences of feeling abandoned?

Do you ever worry that your current partner will leave you just like the one who abandoned you before? It's totally normal to have these feelings sometimes. It's okay to not believe that your partner really loves you.

When you realize that these feelings may not be caused by your partner or the relationship itself, but by memories of past hurts that have been awakened, you can create a space for this emotion, allow it to flow, and stay with it for a while. It's okay to feel this way, even though it's very painful. This emotion is a part of you, and it's okay to feel it. Let's look at this emotion with curiosity, listen to what it has to say to you, and if you need to, write it down or seek the company of a professional counselor.

You've already seen the link between your anxious attachment and the trauma of separation from your childhood. But it's totally normal to still avoid and fear these past wounds emotionally and in terms of your feelings. This is why you might be dumping your emotions on your boyfriend. Until you realize that this part is indeed your own problem, you'll instinctively avoid any possibility of facing these wounds again.

But if you can first accept these emotions yourself and then give them a little love and comfort, rather than just dumping them on your partner, then the emotions will be much more gentle and tender. At this point, if you then ask for your partner's support, they will be able to help you more easily.

So, it's really important to learn how to embrace your emotions. This is a great way to show yourself some love and to show your partner that you care about them too. Emotions are like your body's and your mind's most loyal messengers. They'll tell you so much about yourself and help you grow and develop. All you have to do is listen to them and accept them.

Finally, I just want you to know that if you're struggling with the emotional effects of the trauma of separation and some post-traumatic symptoms, you can always seek the support and guidance of a professional psychological counselor. It's okay to take the time you need to work through these things. These old patterns were originally meant to protect you, so it's normal for them to stick around until you feel safe enough.

If the trauma of separation is severe, I really recommend that you consider professional psychological counseling. It could really help!

2. Let's get rid of the victim mentality together!

I'm really happy to see from your description that you've recognized that you sometimes play the victim in order to force your partner to do what you want. I think you also feel that although this method is very "effective," the pain and powerlessness it causes far outweigh the benefits, so you also have a strong desire to change.

One way to tell if you're being a victim or just having a strong mindset is to think about whether you're taking the initiative and pushing things forward, or just waiting around and letting things happen.

So, the first step to getting rid of that victim mentality in your intimate relationship is to actively communicate with your partner after you encounter problems and disagreements. Take the initiative to confess what kind of emotions your partner's actions and behaviors have brought to you. Then, discuss with your partner openly and honestly how we can better manage our relationship.

The person who takes the initiative to communicate and solve problems in the relationship is really brave, capable, and confident. They're also great at taking care of their own emotions and needs as well as those of the other person. You think your partner is equally positive and full of goodwill. You can accept that there will be differences in the relationship, but you can also work hard to find solutions together with your partner.

When you find yourself in a situation where your partner isn't meeting your expectations, or when there's a disagreement or conflict in the relationship, it can be really helpful to take a deep breath and actively think about and communicate these issues.

1. I'd love to understand why TA is different from me. What are TA's reasons for insisting?

If I were my partner, I would want to get along with me just the way I want us to get along.

2. It's totally normal to have disagreements in a relationship. Let's see what I can learn about my partner this time. I'm sure that if we work through this, we'll be closer than ever and our relationship will be stronger than ever!

3. I do worry and feel anxious that he doesn't love me and doesn't care about me anymore, but I know that this is just an emotion. We all have moments of doubt and vulnerability in relationships, but I still have the ability to make things clear to my partner.

Another great thing about being a proactive, responsible, strong person in a relationship is that you can be sure you've done everything you can. But if the relationship is still a bit rocky, for example, if you take the initiative to communicate but the other person doesn't cooperate, or if they're passive-aggressive, cold, or violent and respond negatively, you can also detect this in time and accept that they may not be the right partner for you right now.

It takes a lot of courage to say goodbye to the victim mode. It's also important to build up your confidence in yourself and your relationship. If you continue to discover yourself in the relationship, understand yourself, and cultivate a better self, you will definitely reap the rewards of self-growth and a happy and fulfilling love life. Good luck, brave one! May you always choose to be the hero of yourself and your loved one. ??