As an eyewitness to the emotional changes a mother experiences when her husband cheats, what were your past emotions?

After reviewing the material, I experienced a sense of emotional detachment. It is unclear when this emotional state will shift.

Prior to reaching the age of 18, my parents never engaged in conflict in my presence. I had always assumed that they enjoyed a positive relationship. My life was largely focused on academic pursuits and leisure activities.

At the age of 20, my mother relocated to my father's city to live with him. She informed me that she wished to initiate divorce proceedings due to my father's infidelity.

Three years later, my mother stated that she had spent three years letting go but also informed me that she did not love my father when they got married.

The family harmony and happiness that had been enjoyed prior to the age of 18, along with the strong bond between the parents, were abruptly disrupted at the age of 20 by the unexpected revelation of a potential divorce and an extramarital affair. Before the individual could process this information and gain a clear understanding of the situation, another unexpected turn of events occurred: the mother's assertion that she had not loved the father when they got married. This revelation caused significant distress, prompting the individual to question the reliability of their beliefs and the stability of their surroundings.

The 18-year-long effort to establish a stable foundation has been almost entirely undone.

For the past three years, the questioner has been working diligently to collect the remaining evidence from the previous incident and was motivated to take action to make amends. However, she was abruptly informed that her efforts were inconsequential to her parents. Over the past three years, I have observed my mother's inner journey. I was a passive observer, unable to influence the situation, and a victim of emotions who was forced to create third-party documents and edit my parents' divorce agreement (which ultimately did not proceed).

The mother or parents have once again engaged in deceitful behavior, inflicting significant emotional distress upon the questioner. They have then attempted to disengage from the situation, as though nothing had occurred, leaving the questioner to cope with the aftermath.

As a result of the aforementioned circumstances, it is understandable why the questioner "often falls into an emotional black hole." This black hole has a detrimental impact on the questioner's physical and mental well-being, impeding their ability to see a clear path forward.

Two successive setbacks and three years of dedicated effort that ultimately proved futile are tantamount to a total rejection of the individual in question. As a child of one's parents, if they reject themselves, they indirectly reject their offspring to some extent. The lack of acknowledgment of the outcome of three years of dedicated effort leads to an unintended consequence of feeling worthless due to the lack of tangible results.

Furthermore, the parents do not acknowledge this issue, which only adds to the frustration.

There is no recourse for the OP to pursue in order to obtain redress for this suffering.

The questioner is left with no recourse but to direct his anger inward, which has the effect of exhausting him both mentally and physically.

In light of the challenging circumstances, the text does not appear to convey a significant degree of anger, but rather a muted and somewhat melancholy tone. This can evoke a sense of sadness in those who read it.

It is recommended that the questioner identify an outlet for his frustration. It is inadvisable to isolate oneself by directing negative emotions toward academic pursuits.

It is also recommended that you consider pursuing long-term counseling.

I hope my reply has been of some assistance. Best regards,

Alternative trauma refers to instances where an individual is indirectly affected by a traumatic event, experiencing distress and negative emotions despite not directly experiencing the event itself. The impact of such events can be observed in the changes observed in the behaviour of the individual's mother during this period.

The inability to distinguish between your issues and theirs has resulted in the experience of similar forms of grief and betrayal, which have also caused you a considerable degree of trauma. You are also undergoing a course of medication and psychological counseling, which you may wish to persevere with.

The adverse experiences of your parents have had a deleterious impact on your psyche, potentially engendering a future disposition of mistrust in matters of romantic attachment. It is particularly distressing to learn of the negative experiences of your parents when one is in one's twenties.

It is futile to attempt to alter the past, and it is impossible to prove one's father's innocence. It is likely that there is already substantial evidence indicating that your father's infidelity is a fact. Due to these negative experiences with your father, you have also gained insight into the concepts of cheating and prostitution. The previous year was also a period of significant events for you.

You have been diagnosed with moderate depression, and at the same time, you still have a plethora of unanswered questions regarding sexuality and love. You feel confused and restless, and this is a significant source of distress for you, resulting in fatigue and a lack of clarity regarding the appropriate course of action.

It is recommended that you persevere. The responsibility for your father's misdeeds lies with him, and you should not be held accountable for your mother's distress. It is also important to be able to differentiate between the two. It is advised that you seek regular psychological counseling. Do not inflict self-punishment for the actions of others.

Please clarify the question.

Good day. I would like to extend a supportive gesture in the form of a comforting embrace.

I have carefully read your account and perceive a pervasive sense of oppression, as if it is about to engulf the present at any moment. My child, you are bearing a burden that does not belong to you, and this overwhelming weight has caused you to lose your sense of self. I would like to offer some strategies to help you process your emotions and plan your life.

1. Prior to reaching the age of 18, it appears that your parents engaged in minimal conflict, allowing you to live a relatively carefree existence. At the age of 20, your parents began residing in the same city. This marked the beginning of your mother's emotional disclosure regarding her marriage and her personal journey, positioning you as a witness to her emotional and marital distress. This stark contrast is undoubtedly challenging to reconcile. It is akin to the sudden eruption of a kingdom of beauty into a landscape of discordant images, disrupting the perceived perfection of the past.

You were thrust into a situation of helplessness and catastrophe without any preparation.

I have also considered this matter. The reason why your parents did not inform you of and involve you in the true situation of their relationship before you reached the age of 18 is likely because they believed you were still a child and could not comprehend and accept these facts. They were also concerned that it would have a detrimental impact on your life. This indicates that they both love you and want to foster a supportive environment for you within a complete family unit.

It is unfortunate that your mother was not aware that this abrupt and distressing revelation would have such a profound impact on you as an adult.

2. Over the past three years, you have experienced a plethora of challenges, including grievances, anger, and even suicidal ideation on the part of your mother. Additionally, you have been informed that this marriage, which initially appeared promising, was, in fact, a charade. You have endured significant distress over the past three years due to your assumption of the role of your mother, which has entailed bearing the burden of her pain and suffering and becoming enmeshed in a role that is not yours.

In truth, the situation is exceedingly challenging.

3. I can empathize with your journey and can perceive your struggle to escape this suffocating feeling, which may include psychological counseling and medical treatment. I would also like to offer some advice:

In the event that a diagnosis has already been rendered at a conventional medical facility and the administration of antidepressant medication is deemed an appropriate course of action, it is of the utmost importance to remain vigilant regarding fluctuations in one's emotional state and physical condition. Should any such changes occur, it is imperative to conduct a prompt reevaluation to ascertain whether modifications to the treatment plan are necessary.

It is imperative that you seek treatment at a suitable medical facility.

From your account, it appears that the mental illness is more severe than the physical illness, as you have been forced to bear an emotional burden that should not have been placed upon you. It is imperative that you ascertain the underlying cause of this phenomenon. It is postulated that the inheritance of a problematic bloodline from your parents and your profound love for them have compelled you to assume the burden that should have been borne by your mother.

You possess a keen understanding of your own emotions and the advantage of academic success. These are the foundations that will facilitate your transition from your mother's life to your own life path. While it may be challenging to immediately erase your mother's pain, you have your own life's challenges.

It would be beneficial for you to create a three-year plan for yourself, consider your interests, identify your own valuable life path, and pursue it with emotional and cognitive engagement.

From your account, it seems that your mother has not yet fully recovered. It may be beneficial for her to have someone to talk to and be there for her, to take on the role you have been playing. You may wish to consider having a good chat with your mother and suggesting that she finds a professional counsellor to help her work through her problems.

Dear Question Owner, I can sense your sadness from your description. Please accept my condolences.

1.

As a child, observing your mother's prolonged struggle with injury would have been challenging for anyone. We all hope that our parents can love each other and provide a happy home. In fact, my mother was also very helpless and had nowhere to vent her grievances. It seems that you were her faithful audience and listener, but you were still young and lacked the experience to provide effective comfort.

2.

The renowned psychologist Wu Zhihong also encountered a similar situation. He was also a passive listener for his mother. Despite his inability to intervene, this lack of engagement led to feelings of sadness and distress, particularly when circumstances took an unfavorable turn.

3.

Depression or low mood erodes our mental state and causes us to feel sad. Sometimes, a mother's worldview is limited, not as expansive as a father's. Mothers are prone to sharing sad stories with their children. If the sadness exceeds the child's ability to cope, it can lead to vicarious trauma.

4.

When we observe the consequences of others' misfortune, we may experience physical and mental distress as a result of empathy. In extreme cases, this can lead to a mental breakdown. Methods to address vicarious trauma include:

It is important to acknowledge and address negative emotions.

There is no need to be concerned about these emotions, as they can serve as a catalyst for recognizing the issue at hand.

It is important to maintain a normal routine as much as possible, ensure sufficient rest, and strive to maintain stability in your life. Identify ways to regain stability and maintain a normal pace of life, which will facilitate emotional recovery.

Regular exercise can help to relieve mental tension. You can find a range of indoor exercises on your phone's fitness app, or you can go for a run with friends and engage in conversation.

It is important to maintain communication with yourself and the outside world. You may choose to engage in conversation with family and friends, or to provide yourself with encouragement.

Timely awareness: You are fortunate to have recognized the need for change and made the necessary adjustments in a timely manner. Awareness is the first step in initiating change. While we all have varying degrees of past experiences that may impact our current situation, it is possible to overcome these challenges by shifting our focus.

5.

I recommend the books The Power of Self-Growth, Reconciliation with Your Family of Origin, and The Body Knows the Answer. You may also search for and listen to them, as well as the TV series The Psychologist (女心理师), which has proven effective in treating a number of cases.

If circumstances allow, you may wish to consider continuing with counseling. Some individuals engage in this process for three to five years, while others do so for up to ten years. Addressing psychological wounds requires attention and care. Once they have been resolved, you will be better equipped to embrace a new phase of life.

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I would like to extend my congratulations on your success. I hope that my contributions have been of some assistance and inspiration to you. I encourage you to continue your efforts.

Hello, I am Gu Yi, and I am as modest and self-effacing as ever.

From your description, it's clear we've experienced a lot of negative emotions and suffered a lot of hurt. There's no question we're now scarred.

However, the multifaceted nature of things allows us to view our problems from multiple perspectives.

This is what beauty looks like.

People living in different environments have different expectations. Some hope for family reunion and harmony, some hope for good health and safety, and some hope to earn more money. The possibility of taking into account multiple factors almost does not exist. Choose one and get it.

My parents have been working in different places for more than 20 years. They've undoubtedly had to navigate challenges in their relationship along the way. As the protected party, you may not be aware of all of them, but as the operator of the marriage, there were bound to be many conflicts.

We must not blame our parents for being perfect. Whether it is the father cheating or the mother confiding in someone without any reservations, these are mistakes that adults make within the limits of their abilities. We should not use these mistakes as a reason to punish ourselves.

Heal yourself.

Any relationship, whether with parents or classmates, is an exchange of interests and values. As children, we understand that it is appropriate to care for our parents with love and concern. However, everyone is independent and has clear boundaries.

You've done well in your studies, and your parents have their work and colleagues that they've been devoted to for many years. So let's choose a lifestyle that we are willing and able to enjoy!

Everyone makes mistakes. At first glance, it may seem that parents have all kinds of problems, but in fact, this is just their way of managing their marriage. You are a child, and you have your own world. The more you experience and the more you understand, the more understanding and tolerance you will have.

Best wishes.

Dear Question Asker, I commend you for your efforts in supporting your mother during this challenging period. It is not uncommon for individuals to experience strong emotions when confronted with such circumstances. You have demonstrated admirable resilience and compassion in providing a listening ear to your mother during her most distressing moments. While you may not have been able to directly influence the outcome, your presence and support undoubtedly played a crucial role in helping your mother process her emotions. It is likely that your mother would not have been able to endure this period without your support and companionship. Keep up the great work. Sincerely, [Your Name]

As you described it, your mother must have experienced a significant personal challenge during the period when she was deciding whether to divorce. The will she wrote was like a suicide note.

Your mother is unfortunate to have experienced a challenging marriage, but she is also fortunate to have raised you, a child who will support and listen to her even during difficult times. You have served not only as her child, but also as her listener. However, your ability to listen has now been compromised due to your mother's emotional state, which has affected you and caused you to become emotionally involved.

It is important to note that this is not your fault, nor is it a reflection of your incompetence. The fact is that you have not received professional training in psychological counseling and listening. It is only natural to become emotionally involved, especially when the person involved is your mother. Even counselors generally do not take on cases involving their own family members. This is because the more they know, the more it will affect their ability to remain emotionally neutral and independent.

It is important to note that seeking help from a psychologist is not the only solution. It is also essential to achieve "task separation" with your mother. This is a psychological concept that can be summarized as follows: everyone has their own life tasks, and the person responsible for these tasks should and must be themselves. It is not our place to interfere with other people's life tasks, and they should not interfere with our own tasks.

This is not indifference, but rather a clear delineation of boundaries. It is not about whether people should be connected, but about resolving the original complex interpersonal relationships. The first step in resolving these issues is to identify the concerns of each individual and determine who is responsible.

The decision to change for the better is not contingent on external factors, but rather on the individual's willingness, motivation, and courage to make that change. Even with the most dedicated and supportive companion, listener, helper, or counselor, the decision to change remains with the individual.

This is why we cannot intervene in other people's affairs, even if we wish to do so.

You have provided your mother with the best possible support, and you feel powerless because you believe you are unable to effect change. This is a frustrating situation, but it is important to recognise that the person responsible for maintaining the status quo is not you, but your mother. She is an adult and therefore ultimately responsible for her own life. Others are only providing assistance when she requires it, and their involvement is at her discretion. Whether she is happy in her life is entirely up to her. Whether she is slow to come out is probably because she is not yet ready. When she is ready, she will naturally come out. It is also possible that she does not want to come out herself. She may wish to retain her current identity and status as a victim, and use her pain to mourn her past and her anger to condemn your father and the mistress.

This is evident from the "suicide note" and the "third party leaflet" you referenced.

Regardless of the reason, she will always have her reasons. Our best course of action is to be there for her and try to persuade her. If that doesn't work, you have your own life, and you need to continue moving forward.

If you are an adult, plan your studies and work. If possible, live independently and avoid interference with each other's physical space. Then, become independent mentally. Come home regularly to provide support or discuss issues. If your mother improves, encourage and praise her. If she remains negative, offer comfort. If that doesn't work, simply listen. I know it's challenging to remain calm, but as long as you believe that "everyone has their own challenges," your mother is responsible for her own, and you have your own life, the inner turmoil you feel when you sense your mother's negativity will be less.

While we cannot choose our parents, we can certainly choose our own life's challenges. To avoid repeating the mistakes of the previous generation, it is essential to select our own life's challenges and define our own life's mission. Passively accepting the fate of the previous generation or attempting to alter the challenges and missions of others is neither constructive nor beneficial.

The term "task separation" may be the most effective way to understand the ancient Eastern philosophical concept that "each person has their own destiny." It is essential to take control of our own destiny, beginning with the selection of our own life tasks. The most significant task for you at this time is to free yourself from the mental constraints of your family of origin and to reduce your concerns about your mother. The most crucial task for your mother is to continue living her own life, regardless of whether she gets divorced, without burdening her daughter.

It is challenging, but we must persevere. Only through this approach will you and your mother achieve your respective goals.

I hope that you and your mother will meet again at the next stage of your lives, having overcome your difficulties and found happiness together.

From another perspective, you are absolutely heading in the right direction!

From your description, I can see that you have a huge amount of energy, which you use to block out your negative emotions and direct your attention towards what will enable you to continue growing and developing. Whenever you feel like giving up, you choose to ask for help, which is great! You can seek counseling, take medication as prescribed, or ask questions here and invite me to answer them in private messages.

These efforts, as well as your thoughts about marriage, sex, and relationships, are a sure sign that your life is about to enter a new and exciting stage!

Before entering a new stage, you may need to let go of something, and the most significant of these is letting go of your mother. She has shared a great deal of her journey with you, allowing you to accompany her as she makes posters and edits agreements—and now it's time for you to embark on your own journey!

These experiences have probably made you less idealistic and less eager to get married. You may even be disappointed in your parents' feelings. But remember, your parents made these choices to deal with the challenges of their own lives. There are countless other choices out there! This choice isn't entirely good or entirely bad. And you don't have to repeat it. You still have the right to make your own choices!

The good news is that you can avoid the pitfalls of idealizing and romanticizing love by simply letting go of the spotlight and embracing a calmer, more relaxed mindset. Witnessing your parents' relationship can be a great way to learn how to navigate your own romantic life!

It's time to let go of your mother in your heart, release your emotional bond with her, and give her life's lessons back to herself! You've got this! You already have enough academic and experiential capital, you have already thought and experienced more than your peers, you are no longer ignorant and blindly following, and you now have the ability to combine ideals and reality to paint your life's picture!

Have a blast!

Hello, questioner!

After reading your topic, I feel as if I'm looking at a fawn that's fallen into a quagmire. It's made a lot of efforts to get out of the quagmire, but the more it struggles, the more it gets sucked into the black mud, sinking deeper and deeper. The fawn is now powerless to break free, and none of its previous efforts have worked. It's a bit powerless now, and the waiting and tormenting is torturing it...! But, there's hope! You can break free from this quagmire. You can get out of this mud and back to the life you want. You just need to keep trying. Keep struggling. Keep waiting. And, you'll get there!

I really want to give you a hug! I feel so sorry for you. You are innocent! Just as you said, you are deeply immersed in the negative emotions brought about by your mother, and you are forced to identify with her emotions!

You've taken on some amazing new responsibilities! While divorce is usually a matter for the parents, you've stepped up to help out in a way that's truly admirable.

Your mother took the initiative and involved you in helping out with things that should have been her responsibility.

You've had nine counseling sessions and even taken medication, so you clearly know a lot about psychology. But you still can't shake this deep-seated sense of powerlessness and sadness, and you don't know why! I've dealt with some cases like this and would love to share my analysis with you:

1. From the perspective of family hierarchy, there is an orderly division of roles. It can be understood as being similar to our family tree: the grandparents are one level, the parents are one level, and the children are one level below the parents.

Everyone has their own place and their own topic. It's so important to remember not to overstep the mark, as we all have our own unique roles and responsibilities.

In your case, mother and father are in the same order, and since mother pulled you into their position, you are offside (here, there is no distinction between active and passive). So you get to bear some of mother's responsibilities and tasks!

For example, you were given the incredible opportunity to help your mother write a petition against the primary school. You were also able to experience your mother's pain firsthand. You were encouraged to step up and take on a new challenge, learning and growing in ways you never imagined. It was a truly transformative experience!

2. In terms of the relationship between children and parents: Children are the continuation of their parents' lives, and each child has the genes and characteristics of both their father and mother. When parents accuse each other, the child will feel that they are talking about themselves. When the two of them accuse each other, the child will feel deeply rejected by the parent they love the most. This will definitely be loaded into the child's subconscious, making the TA feel like a worthless and meaningless person. But there's so much we can do to help them!

If both parents try to draw their child into their respective camps to support their attacks on or revenge against the other, the child will feel torn apart and in pain! These are the feelings the child experiences, which will be received by the TA's body. When the TA is unable to resolve or vent these feelings, they will remain trapped in the body, making the child feel powerless and inexplicably painful. But there is hope! With the right guidance, the child can learn to release these feelings and feel empowered again.

I'm so excited to hear that you're going to get psychological treatment! That's a great decision.

Because you've realized that something is wrong with you, you don't want to live like this anymore, and you're trying to save yourself. This shows that you still have hope for life! Indeed, the older generation should bear their own burdens and take responsibility for themselves. You have your own life! And you're going to live it to the fullest!

You are in charge of your own destiny!

I have an idea! Why don't you talk to your mother and say, "Thank you, Mom, tell her how you've felt for so many years, so that she can see how hard you've worked! Explain to her that you love your father and also love her, and don't want to see them accuse and insult each other!"

"Let them complete their own tasks on their own!"

I'm ready to move on from being obsessed with becoming an expert problem solver!

I'm excited to move on from becoming an expert problem solver!

I just want to be a companion for life!

I'm not here to play the life-saving hero.

I just want to be on an equal footing with you, looking at you and listening to you tell stories!

We are not the saviors of our mothers' lives. Our mother has not recovered from the pain of divorce for three years. She needs to find a counselor to help her, and you don't have the strength to help her! Everyone has the right to decide whether they want to be happy or not. We can only do our best to do our own thing, and not get caught up in trying to save them!

This quote comes from the book Letting Go of the One You Love, which is guaranteed to give you a lot of inspiration and strength!

I would also like to give you some advice: if possible, I highly recommend that you let your mother go for counseling, or tell her that Yi Xin Li has a listening service where she can come and talk to very professional teachers who will help her! You can also try this method, or find a professional family therapist or an NLP consultant in your area to help you. The cognitive school of thought doesn't seem to be a good fit for you right now!

...

At this moment, I can almost see the deer, with its intelligent eyes wide open, gathering its strength and leaping out of the swamp!

You've got this! Give yourself time, and you will get better slowly!

It sounds like you've had a wake-up call! You've realized that your parents aren't perfect, and you've gained the courage to pursue your own path.

Before I turned 18, my parents never argued in front of me, and I always thought they had a great relationship. My life was all about studying and playing, and I was really excited about it!

When your mother later told you that she didn't really love your father when they got married, you realized that the "good state of their relationship" might have just been for show. In fact, behind the facade of happiness, there might have been a thousand holes, but you didn't know it. You just lived in the "good" that they carefully weaved together. When this bubble of happiness was punctured, you were filled with anger, doubt, and self-blame. You began to doubt and even overturn your own values. So you were completely confused. I don't know if I've understood it correctly, but it's been an incredible journey!

2. You have carried a lot of your mother's emotions and tried to save the family because you say, "It's as if I were an insider to my mother's inner journey, a passive listener. I am the powerless one who wants to make an effort but can't change anything. I was forced to edit the leaflets for the mistress and the book about parents getting divorced...

However, it can also be felt here that you are more closely entwined with your mother and have not differentiated yourself well from your mother and your original family. But don't worry! After reaching adulthood, we have the opportunity to distinguish between what is our own business, what is other people's business, and what is God's business.

It's time to learn how to set clear boundaries and not get too involved with your parents! Everyone has their own issues, and that's okay. Mothers have their own issues, and that's great. Fathers have their own issues, and that's wonderful. Let them deal with them themselves. Their lives are theirs, and you cannot make decisions for either of them.

You have the power to take charge of your own life!

From a family therapy perspective, the child's symptoms are not just symptoms. There is meaning behind this symptom. Children are born observers and saviors in a family. They will unconsciously try all kinds of ways to save their parents, even at the expense of sacrificing themselves and making themselves sick. This is an amazing example of their incredible resilience and dedication to their loved ones!

On the one hand, there is a deep sense of powerlessness that you cannot save your parents, and on the other hand, there is the sudden collapse of the idealization of your parents, which means a kind of loss that feels like an emptying out! For 18 years, you have always believed that it is beautiful, or you have never doubted it, but one day you are suddenly told that for 18 years, all you have seen is a carefully disguised facade!

The person you trusted the most was the one who lied to you! The relationship you thought was the most beautiful was actually full of holes. Your beliefs were suddenly overturned and collapsed!

Guess what? The idealized image of the father has been overturned too!

Absolutely! It's not something you can accept all at once.

Nine formal counseling sessions may not be enough to solve your problem. But don't worry! It could be a great medium-term solution, or you might even find a long-term solution that works for you. It's true that the beliefs you have lived by for 18 years seem to have collapsed in an instant, and your idealism has also been shattered. But you can rebuild it!

A few times may not be possible at all! So don't rush it—it'll be worth the wait!

So, finding a matching, professional counselor and regularly doing counseling may be the absolute best choice for you right now!

Wishing you the very best!