Do you feel restless after every conflict with your parents and can't concentrate on things?

Hello, dear questioner!

I'm Kelly, and I'm so excited to chat with you about this! I've read your question a few times carefully, and I can tell it really got you fired up. Let's talk about it! Why are you so angry?

[Anger?

Yesterday, I heard my father say something that really got my blood pumping! He told me to do what they wanted me to do according to his ideas.

I was so excited to figure out why I was so angry!

1: In the past, I never expressed my feelings. I did what my parents told me to do, and if they said I wasn't happy about it, I didn't dare say anything.

A: When I was young, I was an obedient child. For example, if my parents asked me to do something, I would do it with a smile on my face, even if I didn't want to.

B: I also didn't like the way my mother spoke to me. They loved to compare, for example, always saying that the little white next door was more obedient than me, did better at school, and would have a better future than me.

C: No matter how hard I tried, my parents rarely praised me and always criticized me. I was young and didn't dare to rebel, so I just kept it all inside.

D: My mother liked to control me, always restricting what I could and couldn't do. As I grew up, I rebelled during puberty and stopped doing what she wanted me to do. I was so excited to find my own path!

There is a fascinating term in psychology called the "mirror effect."

In our interactions with our parents, we have always been loyal and obedient children, and we can be proud of that!

Maybe when we were young, we already had the chance to grow up, agree with our parents, and accept their criticism and how they see us.

Oh, the big question: are they telling the truth?

Do we believe in it? Absolutely!

This is the relationship between a baby and its mother, the mirroring stage. I slowly came to understand myself later on, and it turned out that when I was with my parents and chatting and talking, I forgot about myself.

Just like you and me in that memory, it was actually a long, long time ago!

Because this feeling is familiar and comes out without us realizing it, we get angry.

When I heard what my father said yesterday, my first reaction was that it was starting all over again, and my mind went blank. Next, I thought that this was all too familiar, and I was excited to hear what he had to say next. Then I calmed down and thought about it. I have already grown up, and I'm ready to listen to what my father has to say first. After that, I will calmly communicate with him based on the following principles:

Let's talk about boundaries!

I tell my parents that they have not thought about the fact that I have grown up, that I have a family, that I have my own arrangements and life. They have no boundaries and have not truly understood that they and I have become independent and that they no longer have the right to arrange my affairs. I refuse their arrangements and embrace my independence!

Expressing emotions is a great way to let your feelings out!

I express my emotions directly. I tell my parents that they are always interfering in my life and arranging my life, that I am under a lot of pressure, and that I don't like their communication style. They never care about my feelings and always demand things from me according to their own ideas. I also need their care and understanding. I'm excited to tell them that I'm an independent person who can make my own decisions and live my own life.

My father was silent and admitted that they had done something wrong.

Independence is a wonderful thing!

If we can be financially or personally independent, it's a great price to pay! I remember when I was studying family therapy, my teacher said that if a person can rebel against their family of origin, they will also be able to be themselves in other relationships. I wholeheartedly agree with this!

We will encounter confusion and pain on the road to growth. As you said, they are always everywhere, because we love our parents. Confusion is also the beginning of growth. And the best part is, we can choose to grow and move on from our parents!

✍️Learning family therapy talks about the amazing concept of "emotional detachment." When we can't handle it, we can simply put it aside, think, and be aware of ourselves. Then, we can grow ourselves! Temporary emotional detachment is a great way to protect yourself and calm down before dealing with something.

When we can switch emotions freely and not get tangled up with people and things, it's a total game-changer! For example, if my parents call or speak to me, I first forget that they are my parents, listen to what they have to say, and then think about whether or not what they say makes sense.

If it makes sense, I will wholeheartedly accept it. If I cannot accept it, I will tell them the reason.

I've found these exercises to be incredibly helpful recently. They've helped me become more aware, which has made it easier to feel my emotions.

I'd love to know what causes you to feel angry, similar to how you felt when you were a child.

What do we remember?

I'd love to hear about any other grievances you may have!

Is there anything wrong with not having a mother or father? Absolutely not!

We have grown up and are already on an equal footing with our parents! (Talk about things when there is something to talk about.)

Joy and pain, as well as love and anger, even hatred, for parents are all part of human nature, and there is no right or wrong—and that's a good thing!

In turn, the questioner must also be able to recall many happy and joyful days with their parents. Otherwise, how could you not get out of their relationship?

There is a fantastic saying for us:

Embrace the "hateful" things about the people you love! Find something to love in the "hateful" things about them.

Just as we accept our anger and love our parents unconditionally!

We grow together! Come on!

Happy birthday!

The world and I love you so much!