My father has a mild tendency towards violence, and my mother chooses to endure it. What should I do?

Give the original poster a hug from afar and hold on a little longer. It will bring you warmth and strength.

Your father's violence, often smashing things to vent his emotions, is unacceptable. New Year's Eve is supposed to be a time for family to gather and be happy, but he smashed the glass on the floor in an untimely manner. The scene of your father's yelling, your mother's crying, and the chaotic glass is etched in your head. You were shocked and confused at the time, feeling terrible, angry, helpless, and unable to get out of this feeling of suppressed anger, disappointment, powerlessness, guilt, and self-blame for a long time. This is not your fault.

Your father's violence is not your fault, nor is it your mother's fault. It has nothing to do with you. The cause of this violent personality can be traced back to his childhood, family, education, and environment, as well as his own choices. You cannot change him unless he wants to change himself.

You have nothing to feel guilty or blame yourself for. You were just a child, and adults can be confused. Not to mention that you were a child and couldn't protect your mother, and your mother understands and forgives you.

Don't punish yourself for someone else's mistakes.

You can talk to your mom. She may have already accepted your dad's grumpiness and doesn't feel aggrieved. Your mom is strong and doesn't need your help. The way your parents get along is a choice they have made together, and you don't have to be involved. You didn't cause their problems.

Believe in your mother. She is an adult who can take responsibility for herself and has the ability to do so. If she wants to get a divorce to solve this problem, it is her choice. If she doesn't get a divorce, it is also her choice.

You can be her support when she wants it, and you can be there with your companionship and warmth when she doesn't.

You're going to college, and when you finish, you'll get a job and earn money. You're almost independent. Now it's time to prepare for a better job. At the same time, focus on your growth. Resolve your issues, set yourself free, and embrace your potential. Don't let the past hold you back.

Thank you for the inquiry.

It is understandable that the experience of being both afraid and resentful because of your father's slight tendency towards violence has left a negative emotional mark on you.

In light of the above, I would like to present you with a few observations for your consideration.

Based on your description of your father's behavior, it is evident that he has a proclivity for violence and displays impulsive and uncontrollable behavior.

Further analysis may reveal that your father experienced a traumatic event during his upbringing, or that his family of origin was violent.

The aforementioned factors may have a significant or less significant impact on his development. The more direct impact will cause a certain degree of psychological trauma.

Such individuals may experience psychological issues such as anxiety, depression, fear, and anger, and may even develop psychological disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder.

Long-term stress and anxiety can contribute to an increased likelihood and motivation for violent behavior.

Specifically, this behavior is, to some extent, a replication of the destructive power of trauma or domestic violence. It involves "enjoying smashing things to vent emotions," which allows the individual to become the perpetrator of violent behavior.

If your father does not address this issue over an extended period, it will not only result in a "slight tendency towards violence," but also in more significant negative self-perceptions, serious doubts and denial about one's own value and abilities, low self-esteem, and other psychological issues.

It is therefore essential that the subject provides active assistance to the father in reducing the impact of traumatic events or the potential for violent tendencies within the original family to affect him. It is not sufficient for you and your mother to merely adopt a passive response of "powerless" and "crying to stop."

In order to achieve this objective, it is recommended that you and your mother implement the following positive coping strategies:

First and foremost, it is imperative that you take a moment to calm down.

It is recommended that you promptly reconstruct your perception of your father based on the above analysis.

It is important to note that your focus should not solely be on your subjective emotional experience of being unable to forgive and tolerate his actions, including throwing things, yelling at you, your mother, and the kitten.

It is important to note that some of the father's symptoms are not a result of his own actions. It is therefore essential to try to understand, respect and help him from an objective and rational perspective.

Secondly, it is recommended that you seek psychological support as soon as possible.

Based on the information provided, it is recommended that you encourage your father to seek psychological counseling or psychotherapy as soon as possible.

A professional counselor or psychologist can assist the individual in dealing with psychological trauma, learning to cope with emotions such as anxiety, fear, and anger, and rebuilding a positive self-image.

It is recommended that you expand your social support network once again.

If there are resources in your father's area or city, you can assist him in joining a post-traumatic stress support group or organization (there are also online options).

The sharing of experiences, the acquisition of support, and the establishment of connections with others.

It is recommended that you encourage your father to establish a healthy social circle and interpersonal relationships, and maintain daily contact with friends, other family members, or other trusted people.

A diverse social support network can assist in fostering a sense of understanding and encouragement, which can help mitigate feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

Finally, it is important to encourage him to adopt an active and healthy lifestyle.

When your father makes a statement such as, "I've done a lot of good things too," it is advisable to promptly acknowledge his contributions and offer encouragement to bolster his self-confidence and sense of fulfillment.

It may also be beneficial to suggest that he actively pursue further learning in areas such as psychology, emotional management, and communication skills.

Furthermore, it is recommended that you encourage your father to pursue a variety of hobbies in order to enhance his self-esteem.

Furthermore, maintaining good health entails a healthy diet, regular exercise, and sufficient rest.

This can assist in reducing anxiety and depression while also enhancing self-confidence.

I hope this information is of some assistance.

Good day, my name is Zeyu.

In a situation where the father displays a proclivity for violence and the mother chooses to tolerate it, the first step is to prioritize self-care and pursue a course of action that aligns with one's personal values and goals.

From the description, it is evident that your father's expression of emotions and emotional management has resulted in significant challenges for you and your family. However, apart from these issues, he still possesses commendable qualities. It is essential to recognize the harmonious aspects of the family and the positive attributes within the family. Upon leaving home, we can utilize our spare time at school to develop effective emotional management and communication skills to enhance our emotional resilience. Concurrently, we can employ these skills to educate our family members on the importance of expressing and venting their emotions when they are emotionally stable, thereby addressing the underlying issues in a targeted manner.

It would be prudent to refrain from involvement in family conflicts for the time being. It is not possible to choose to respond to the existing model on behalf of our mother, nor can we stop our father's minor violent behaviour. The reason for not getting involved in the root cause of the current situation is still limited by personal ability and identity. Our current identity is both that of a student and a child, which restricts our ability to change the situation. We must therefore focus on doing our best in the parts that we can control. The potential for improvement of the family relationship is something that can be addressed in the future.

Ultimately, if the questioner is determined to alter the existing family model, they may wish to identify an individual who can assist in improving the family situation, or alternatively, seek the involvement of local women's organisations or civil affairs departments. It is essential to obtain the consent of family members to ensure their support for these actions.

I am Li Di, the respondent, and I am grateful for this opportunity to engage with you.

The violent emotional outburst on New Year's Eve instilled a sense of powerlessness and fear in you and your mother. Despite being aware that this expression was inappropriate, your father seemed unable to control his actions. This incident had a profound impact on you, evoking a complex emotional response. Psychologically, you experienced a sense of fear and reluctance to return home. However, upon arrival, your apprehension dissipated. Emotionally, you also grappled with conflicting feelings towards your father. Despite recognizing his positive attributes, you struggled to reconcile your desire to forgive him with your inability to overlook his violent conduct. I empathize with the pain and confusion you are experiencing, and I offer you a supportive embrace. I am uncertain about the most appropriate way to navigate these emotions.

After reading your description on multiple occasions, I have formulated several points that I believe warrant discussion. At what point did my father begin to express his emotions in this manner? What precipitated my father's increasing inability to regulate his behavior? My mother encountered this situation and attempted to intervene, expressing her distress. This was a typical emotional response. At that juncture, was there a way I could have prioritized my own and my mother's safety, temporarily leaving the room to allow my father to express his emotions? After my father's composure had returned, I attempted to initiate a dialogue with him regarding the fear I had experienced at the time, recognizing that my father had also performed numerous benevolent actions when he was in a normal state. It is possible that, in a more tranquil environment, we could engage in a productive exchange.

Furthermore, the incident that occurred on New Year's Eve has left a psychological impact on me. I am disinclined to return home, as though in a state of avoidance. This may be a coping mechanism to protect myself from potential harm. However, I experience a sense of relief after returning home. Could it be because the home environment provides a sense of familiarity, or because when I return home I am face-to-face with my father, and as long as his emotions are stable, I can see and feel that I am safe? Perhaps I need to calm down and pay attention to my inner feelings. When the things I worry about do not happen, am I not as afraid?

My ambivalent feelings towards my father are characterized by a dichotomy of positive and negative sentiments. On the one hand, I acknowledge that he has done many benevolent acts. However, on the other hand, I am unable to pardon him for the harm he has caused us. In light of this, I seek to elucidate the underlying motivations behind these conflicting sentiments. Specifically, I inquire whether there is any possibility for my father to undergo a transformation, express ordinary emotions, and resume normal communication. I have overcome my fear and resentment towards him, yet I still harbor a profound affection for him.

It should be noted that the aforementioned discussion represents merely a series of potential perspectives for consideration. Should any of the presented ideas elicit feelings of discomfort, it is at the individual's discretion to disregard them. It is essential to recognise that these are merely assumptions.

Let us examine the underlying psychological mechanisms that underpin your feelings and needs in order to facilitate a deeper understanding and acceptance of yourself. Based on your description, your reaction exhibits the hallmarks of "post-traumatic stress," a prevalent response to an event that poses a threat to one's or others' safety.

Despite the passage of time, the memories and emotions associated with the incident continue to resurface, influencing one's daily life. This phenomenon can be attributed to the brain's tendency to store such experiences as "fresh memories," which can be readily reactivated under specific cues, resulting in pronounced emotional responses.

Secondly, the ambivalent feelings experienced, including fear and resentment towards the father figure, as well as sympathy, illustrate the moral dilemma and emotional tug-of-war that exists within the individual. On the one hand, the direct negative impact of the father figure's actions evoke feelings of fear and resentment. On the other hand, feelings of sympathy emerge in response to the father figure's situation, potentially arising from an individual's deep-seated feelings for family relationships and a comprehensive understanding of the father figure's personality.

This complex emotional experience is not uncommon, particularly among family members.

Furthermore, you indicated that your negative emotions intensify when you are away from home and subside when you return. This may be because, while at home, despite the potential threat, there is also a sense of security and belonging that is familiar. This is a survival mechanism, and in dangerous situations, our brains prompt us to seek safety, even if that safety is based on uncertain foundations.

Furthermore, your concern for and protective instinct towards your mother demonstrate your empathy for her situation, which is part of your inner conflict. You want to protect her, yet you feel that you cannot.

In order to address these emotions, it may be helpful to acknowledge and accept that all feelings, including fear, anger, and sadness, are valid. It is important to avoid criticizing one's feelings but rather to recognize that they are a reflection of one's experiences.

Furthermore, recognizing that one is not responsible for one's parents' behavior and that one cannot solve their problems can help to reduce feelings of guilt and powerlessness. It is possible to find safe ways to express one's emotions, such as through the use of a diary, drawings, or conversations with a trusted friend.

Discussing one's emotions can help to mitigate their intensity. Additionally, engaging in relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can facilitate a sense of calm when one is experiencing elevated stress levels.

It is recommended that the subject attempt to create a mental image of a place where they feel safe and supported. This may be a real place or a haven in the subject's imagination that they can visit for comfort when they are emotionally troubled.

An alternative option would be to seek the assistance of a counselor, who can help one to comprehend and cope with these intricate emotions, and provide a secure setting in which to examine these feelings.

It is recommended that, when feasible, a suitable time and place be identified for a calm discussion of feelings with the father. The impact of his behavior on the individual and the family should be conveyed, as well as any concerns that arise.

It is not uncommon for individuals to be unaware of the impact of their actions on others. At the same time, it is important to develop a sense of personal boundaries and to distinguish between what is and is not acceptable.

This applies not only to the father, but also to the daughter.

In conclusion, it is important to reiterate that your feelings are valid and that you are not alone in this experience. Your situation is significant and worthy of acknowledgment, and you possess the resilience to navigate this challenging period.

It is imperative to prioritize self-care, seek appropriate assistance, and maintain an optimistic outlook regarding the future.

It is my sincere hope that my response has been of some assistance. It is important to remember that there is only one you in the world, and that you deserve all the good things in life.

Hello! I'll give you a hug.

I'm glad I saw your request for help. I hope my sharing helps.

From what you said, it seems like my father sometimes loses control of his emotions, especially by smashing things. When he's like that, you feel scared because you worry he'll hurt himself or my mother.

When your father was out of control and destroyed things, you couldn't stop him. Your mother was also helpless and cried a lot. You felt sorry, sad, guilty, and helpless. What do you think?

You think your father is angry with you and your mother. You are afraid and angry with him.

Your father's outbursts aren't about you or your mother. They're triggered by unconscious cues you give.

Asking for help shows you understand why your father has extreme behavior. You also need to deal with the emotional trauma caused by your father's outbursts. What do you think?

When your father has an outburst, you can be afraid but also try to express your feelings and needs without judging him. This will help him understand his emotions better.

If you can't express to your father how his outbursts affect you and your mother, you can write him a letter. Tell him how scared and helpless you felt, and how angry and resentful you are. Tell him what you want him to do, for example, if you and your mother haven't done a good job, he can tell you. Your father's outbursts hurt you, your mother, and your relationship. You love your father and want to help him change.

Questioner: Hi, I can tell from your description that you're going through a lot. It's normal to feel this way when you're not treated well at home.

You feel powerless towards your father and mother. Thinking about your father at school makes you both afraid of him and resentful, which makes you not want to go home. But when you do go home, the feeling eases, perhaps because when you get home, your father seems normal and his emotions don't erupt, which makes you think that the violent behavior never happened.

Sometimes you can understand your father, but his violent behavior has hurt you, your mother, and the kitten, so you hate him.

I can see that you have mixed feelings about your father. You feel sorry for him, but you also feel angry.

You want to go home when you see your father living a normal life, but you want to escape when you think about his violent behavior.

You're also feeling worried and anxious about the future.

It's great that you're aware of your emotions.

We know we're vulnerable, but we also believe in our ability to bounce back.

Now, let's talk about how you can regulate your emotions.

One thing you can do is talk about it. That can help you feel better.

I'll say it again: painting mandalas can also help you heal. There are four main ways that mandalas can help you: by helping you explore yourself, by providing emotional relief, by helping you heal your body and mind, and by helping you develop positive qualities.

Finally, we have mindfulness meditation, etc.

I'd also suggest reading "It's Okay Not to Forgive."

If you're looking for some guidance, you can also try to find a counselor and listener who suits you.

I love you, the world, and I'm here for you.

Hello there!

After reading your account, I felt a sense of powerlessness for a long time, from yesterday until now. I wonder if this sense of powerlessness is really my sense of powerlessness, or if it's just my own sense of powerlessness?

Maybe it's a shared feeling of powerlessness? It's tough to solve these things in a factual way.

1

I totally get it. There are so many things in this world that we just don't have the power to change. Take, for instance, the fact that you're still studying at university, that you still rely on your parents, and that you'll be going home during the holidays.

For example, your father's violent impulses were beyond his control, and neither you nor your mother could do anything to stop them. Confronting "father's violence" is about accepting the fact that we are powerless to change it. I know it's tough, but you're doing great!

2

It's totally normal to feel afraid and resentful towards your father. I know it can make you not want to go home, but I promise you that every time you return, these feelings will ease. I know leaving home can make you feel anxious again, and I'm here to tell you that it's okay to feel that way. You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, and I'm here to support you through it.

I really do think that the violence against your father was definitely resentment. I'm sure that when you return home, the feeling of fear will ease.

I'm so glad to hear you say that it eases, not gets worse! I think that when you return home, you can stand up to your father together with your mother. It seems that you can face your father's violence together with your mother, which protects her a little.

This gives you a little strength, and you feel capable, which is great!

On the other hand, leaving home can be a bit of a worry, especially when you feel helpless and resentful towards yourself. The truth is, we're only human and there are things we can't do.

Please, dear friends, accept that we have limitations, that we are not omnipotent, that we are just ordinary people.

3

Everyone makes their own choices, and our mother's choice is to endure. I think that at this stage, our mother may choose to endure, but perhaps in the future, when she has the ability to leave, or the ability to rebel, or a way to deal with it and cope with it, she will also change.

Maybe she can put up with it, or maybe she can't. Either way, we love our mom and want the best for her. But we can't control her decisions.

The only thing we can really give our parents is our blessings. I hope our father has self-control, and I really hope our mother avoids harm.

4

We'll be leaving home after we become financially independent, which I'm sure you'll agree is a good thing!

Don't worry, your dad and mum will find their way again when you're not around. It's totally normal to feel a bit anxious when you leave home, but you'll be fine!

It's so important to value the things you can do and accept that there are things you can't do yet. And remember, you can always grow and change in your new life!

When you feel full of strength, I truly believe that if you look at your parents and yourself again, you'll feel different emotions. So, this matter may be unsolvable at present, but we can get through it together!

But don't lose hope! There is a solution in the future, and it'll be ok.

I love you, and so does the world. And you should love yourself too!

Hello. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. You've been affected by the stress and suffering in your family situation.

Your feelings of fear and resentment towards your father are understandable. This conflict is caused by your father's violent behavior and his normally kind side.

Your emotions are complex.

His violent and emotional outbursts are a sign of an emotional regulation disorder. He may not know how to cope with stress, frustration, or internal conflicts, so he lashes out.

This behavior often comes from his upbringing, personality, and possible mental health issues.

When you leave home, painful memories come back. This is a normal reaction to a traumatic event. Traumatic events leave a mark on your mind. When you are in a similar situation or your thoughts wander, these memories come back. This can make you feel anxious, afraid, or sad.

When you return home, the familiar surroundings and family may help you feel better.

You need to respond positively to this situation. Learn to regulate your emotions and cope with stress.

When you feel angry, try breathing slowly to calm down. Or do some relaxation exercises to help you relax.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you understand your father's behavior and deal with your feelings about it.

This is not to excuse his behavior, but to help you deal with your emotions from a more objective and rational perspective. Perhaps your father experienced some kind of trauma during his childhood or lacked emotional education.

You need to set clear boundaries. His violent behavior is unacceptable.

You have the right to protect your health and avoid being involved in his emotional turmoil. When he starts to lose control, you can leave the scene to avoid confrontation.

You're still in college, so you don't have many choices when it comes to food and accommodation. When you're at home, avoid conflict with your father.

If he starts to lose control, leave the room, go to your room, or go for a walk.

Also, don't take your father's behavior personally.

See things from an outsider's point of view to reduce how it affects you.

Express your emotions. Write in a diary.

Or find a friend and tell them your story. They can help you feel better.

Try relaxation methods like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to relieve anxiety and tension. Do these whenever you think of bad scenes that make you emotional.

Talk to your father when he's in a good mood. Tell him how his behavior hurts you and ask him to change.

Also, focus on your university life. Study hard, join clubs, and develop your interests and hobbies.

This will help you focus less on family problems and enjoy school more.

Plan for your future. Work hard to improve yourself so you can live independently after graduation.

You are not alone. With time and hard work, you will emerge from this and live the life you want.

My dear, you can overcome anything. Have faith and move towards a better tomorrow.

It is evident that the child in question is experiencing a multitude of intense emotions, including pressure, anxiety, fear, and confusion. It is unlikely that any child would wish to witness their family grappling with such challenges, particularly when the father displays violent tendencies and the mother bears the brunt of it all in silence. In such a context, the child is likely to internalize feelings of self-blame, guilt, and helplessness, stemming from their inability to effectively intervene and stop their father's violent behavior, and to protect their mother.

My personal stance on domestic violence is one of zero tolerance, which is analogous to the approach taken in addressing school bullying. The initial step is to verbally admonish the perpetrator to cease their actions, which will disconcert them and disrupt their train of thought and subsequent actions.

However, when employing disciplinary measures and attempting to halt the behavior, it is advisable to maintain a safe distance from the individual in question, in order to avoid injury should the individual become enraged and lash out. Secondly, it may be beneficial to involve law enforcement to manage the situation, utilizing their authority to deter and educate the individual. Additionally, it is possible to procure personal protection devices, such as pepper spray, wooden sticks, and other non-lethal weapons, to safeguard oneself and one's family.

This is not the first instance in which the father has engaged in this behavior, which has become a recurring pattern. It is unlikely that reprimanding and shocking him will effectively deter this behavior. However, his actions of hurling objects reflect the pent-up anger, fear, unease, and self-restraint he is experiencing. If he is not exerting extreme restraint, he is prone to lashing out physically instead of throwing objects. Despite his outward demeanor, he still harbors deep affection for his family and cares about the questioner and his mother.

The questioner may engage in a dialogue with his father once he has attained a state of composure and emotional equilibrium. This entails conveying his sentiments and thoughts, inquiring about the rationale behind the throwing of objects, and listening attentively to the father's responses. Thereafter, the questioner can ascertain the underlying cause and engage in constructive communication with his father regarding effective communication strategies. These personal perspectives are offered for the questioner's consideration and reflection.