My father has been beating and scolding me since I was little, and it continues until now that I am 16 years old. I really want to die. What should I do?

Hello, question asker! I am Hu Yuanfang, a psychological counselor at One Psychological.

It is inconceivable that over the past 16 years, you have not only suffered a severe physical injury but also been profoundly traumatized psychologically.

These painful memories keep you up at night, making every day feel like a year. You have the power to change this. You don't need anyone's approval. You don't need to suffer alone. You can ask for help. You can talk to someone. You can choose to live.

You're still here today, and I'm here to help. I see a strong, courageous person reaching out for help. Well done! People say that behind every trauma is a gift. Let's sort it out together.

First, let's analyze the father.

My father's actions were wrong. He should have used words, not violence. No matter the circumstances, hitting someone is illegal. His behavior of hitting and scolding a minor is a form of domestic violence. You can seek help from the relevant departments for mediation.

I have been trying to understand my father's behavior, and I believe it is due to his upbringing. It is likely that this is simply the way his family did things: solving problems in a simple and violent manner, and therefore this pattern has been passed on to the next generation.

We can't change our father's original family model, but we can change ourselves and break free from the constraints of our original family. Go out to study, go out to work, or go out to do what you like. Avoid direct conflict with your father. Protect yourself first and then ask for help.

Get help from the resources available to you.

You didn't mention your mother, so I suggest you ask for help from other relatives in the family, such as grandparents, your father's siblings, etc. If none of them are available, you can seek help from community or village committee mediators. As a last resort, the police will help you.

Communication is the key to everything.

First, organize a family meeting, express your feelings, and tell your father that his behavior has hurt you a lot. You are sad, heartbroken, and helpless. The long-term abuse has taken a heavy toll on your body and mind, affecting your school life and friendships, and you even have thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. You can and should try to make your father think from your perspective.

Tell your father that if he gets old, you'll treat him the same way. It'll make him sad, but it'll make him think.

If Dad is not willing to accept it, you can also ask the elders to enlighten him. I am certain that with the help of friends and family, Dad will be able to recognize his own problems and reflect on himself.

You need to get help for your sleep issues, social withdrawal, and excessive thinking.

You need to get help. If this is affecting your life and studies, go to a formal psychological counseling institution and consult a psychological teacher. They will provide psychological counseling.

You can also call the 1 Psychological Listening Hotline at any time. We have professional teachers who will help you. You are not alone. We will help you!

As soon as you ask for help, your life will begin a new journey.

Our family of origin is not our end. It is our beginning.

You can learn to get out of your own family of origin and increase your self-confidence. Start with the little things around you. Start writing a positive diary every day. Write down a few happy things or things that have improved. Over time, you will see your own strengths and progress. This will boost your self-confidence!

Start now. Do a good deed every day. Do a small thing, a meaningful thing in your life every day. You will see a brand new you after a period of hard work. Try it.

Turn inward and grow yourself!

The world and I love you!

My dear, seeking assistance is the first step towards implementing change.

For the past 16 years, this has been a significant challenge. Your father has consistently utilized a disciplinary approach, which has been ineffective in fostering positive interactions and education.

It was his responsibility. It was not yours.

You previously described yourself as cheerful, not easily offended, and able to laugh off any situation. At that time, we were open-minded.

It is evident that our present circumstances are largely influenced by our interactions with our fathers. However, if these interactions are a result of learned behaviors, they can be modified.

This change will require time, courage, and support from others.

Could you please clarify when your father was present?

Please describe the specific incident or situation that led to the yelling.

Please provide an overview of the views held by other relatives on this matter.

First and foremost, please extend forgiveness to your father for his lack of knowledge.

He has placed a great deal of hope in you, but there are limits to what he can do. His hope is based on his own life experiences.

For example, the film Amadeus provides an illustrative example of this phenomenon.

The father had a fondness for rock music, but was discouraged from pursuing it by his grandfather, who subsequently imposed the study of classical music and piano performance upon his grandson.

In fact, at that time, my grandfather believed that the only viable option was to join the cultural troupe, so he forbade his children from playing rock music. This was the limitation of his generation.

The father has inherited this same limitation and believes that classical music is the only viable avenue for advancement. He is greatly annoyed when his child is unwilling to practice the piano. In extreme cases, this may lead to physical abuse.

If this is the case, it may be helpful to understand your father's perspective while also expressing your own needs and feelings.

2. He is unaware that there are alternative approaches. He was raised in a similar environment, and his father raised him in the same manner. He unquestioningly believes that parents are always correct and that children must obey, yet he fails to recall that he was previously denied and suppressed.

He has been known to engage in physical altercations in specific situations, such as when the subject has been consuming alcohol or has experienced a financial loss. In such instances, his actions are often indicative of a lack of emotional control and competence.

Such emotional outbursts are hurtful and cause distress.

If we are aware of the specific situation, we should avoid being in the vicinity of the individual when they are in this state. Additionally, a colleague inquired about the perception of other family members when the father is violent towards the individual.

Please clarify whether your mother and grandparents were present.

In such a situation, where the father is in a particularly challenging position, it is advisable to seek assistance from relatives, such as parents or grandparents.

It would be beneficial to seek assistance from the uncles and older brothers in the neighborhood.

4. If the scolding is indiscriminate, this situation may be classified as domestic violence. In such cases, it is advisable to seek assistance from the community women's federation and the people's police.

If you indicate that your father's disciplinary actions made you feel unappreciated and unrecognized, this is an example of the negative sentiment you experienced during those interactions. You expressed frustration and a sense of being suppressed.

This indicates a desire for affirmation, appreciation, and encouragement.

We must return to the initial question: Why did he hit you? It is likely that you received poor academic grades. It is probable that the father's actions were an attempt to educate and punish you.

He attempted to instill a sense of inadequacy in you, but lacked the requisite educational psychology knowledge to do so. His own family background and past experiences limited his ability to provide effective guidance.

Your approach was unduly harsh and simplistic. It is evident that you have overlooked the necessity to understand your child's perspective and recognize his strengths. Your expectations are exceeding the scope of his capabilities, and there is a clear need for a more effective strategy.

If the reason for the scolding was the failure to complete the assigned housework, it is likely that your father is experiencing significant external work-related pressure. He may have hoped that you could assist with some of the housework and demonstrate understanding and empathy.

As a result of their cultural tendency to be less forthcoming in expressing themselves, Chinese people may not typically request assistance with housework. Instead, they may resort to scolding as a motivational tactic. It is essential to comprehend this behavior pattern.

If that is the case, place this part at the beginning: "I understand that you are currently working hard outside the home, and I am willing to assist with the housework. I will complete it at a specific time, so please do not scold me."

"First, demonstrate understanding and affirmation for the other person while clearly articulating your own approach.

This approach will result in a reduction in aggressive behavior. This is a communication skill and approach that can be learned. You can learn it first, and your family will also notice a change in you.

In conclusion, given the specifics of your situation, you would benefit from a tailored approach. We recommend consulting with a qualified professional.

Professional counseling offers a systematic approach that can help you address your concerns more effectively. It can also facilitate communication with your father and other family members in a more objective and constructive manner.