How to forgive oneself for having unrequited thoughts towards one's mother during adolescence?

Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for your question. Best regards, [Name] [Title] [Company]

From your description, it appears that you are experiencing feelings of guilt associated with your thoughts during puberty. These feelings of guilt seem to be persistent and are negatively affecting your emotional well-being. How can you effectively address this issue? I would like to offer a perspective that I believe will be beneficial for you.

This is the Oedipus complex of adolescence. The top answerer provided insight into the origin of the myth of Oedipus Valentine. According to Freud's theory, it is normal for children to have this kind of mentality during childhood. Children are reluctant to separate from their parents and want to monopolize the opposite sex parent. If this need is met, that is, if they are not hit by their parents, then the child will grow up smoothly. If it is not met, then the child will fall into fantasies about their mother. Therefore, when some people are looking for a marriage partner, they will give themselves the standards that their parents require of their partner. This mentality is called the Oedipus complex. By describing that you have grown up and are aware of it, you are not normal. It is commendable that you have recognized the issue yourself.

How might I forgive myself?

It is important to establish clear boundaries. It is essential to recognize that everyone is independent and that individuals have their own privacy and secrets. It is necessary to learn to protect our privacy, even in close relationships, and to establish boundaries. It is important to recognize whether something is our own business or someone else's and to learn to separate issues.

It is important to accept and forgive yourself. Thoughts are just thoughts, so from now on we can eliminate these thoughts, find ways to express our emotions that are suitable for us, recognize our relationship with our mother, try to make friends with girls, and through contact with other women, re-understand and redefine our feelings towards the opposite sex. This will gradually help to eliminate the sense of shame and the psychology of an unforgivable self.

In the event that you are unable to forgive yourself, we advise that you seek the assistance of a qualified counselor. Alternatively, you may choose to address your feelings of guilt through educational pursuits, creative writing, or open communication with a trusted individual. Additionally, you may benefit from acquiring a fundamental understanding of psychology through the resources available on the Yixinli platform, which can assist you in developing greater independence and stability.

It is my hope that the above will prove useful to the questioner.

Good day, Sir. I hope my response proves useful to you.

The landlord's description of your situation is understandable, particularly in light of the influence of the Oedipus complex. Once we understand the situation and implement appropriate measures, we will be better positioned to resolve the issue and establish a solid foundation for our future married life.

What are the causes of the Oedipus complex?

1. The genesis of the Oedipus complex

The Oedipus complex has its roots in an ancient Greek myth.

In ancient Greek mythology, Oedipus was informed by an oracle that he would become a sinner who killed his father and married his mother. He was abandoned by his father, the king, at the time of his birth and was subsequently relocated to a neighboring country to become a prince. Upon reaching adulthood, Oedipus became aware of the oracle's prophecy. He assumed that his adoptive parents were his biological parents and subsequently departed to avoid potential tragedy.

He ultimately killed his father, whom he did not know, and married his mother, whom he also did not know. After fathering two sons and two daughters with his mother, he learned the truth. He was ashamed, angry, and full of guilt. As a result, Oedipus blinded himself, banished himself, and his mother tragically committed suicide.

The psychological explanation of the Oedipus complex is used to describe individuals with a mother complex who have a tendency to compete with their father for their mother's love. Additionally, they often experience moral and ethical pressures that may result in self-destructive behaviors to relieve their pain.

2. Could you please clarify how the Oedipus complex is formed?

Newborns are unable to care for themselves, so they rely on their parents for survival. Mothers are the primary source of support for newborns, who are able to breastfeed and remain in close proximity to their mothers. In these circumstances, newborns develop an instinctive Oedipus complex.

Typically, the Oedipus complex reaches its peak between the ages of three and six, coinciding with the development of gender identity. During this period, boys often express a desire to marry their mothers.

While this is a typical developmental stage, there is no cause for concern. However, it does indicate that the mother should gradually reduce intimate interactions with her child. This is the only way for the child to safely overcome the Oedipus complex and move towards a normal social life.

In other words, although the Oedipus complex is a natural part of every child's development at a certain age, the severity of the complex is largely dependent on the parents. If the mother is an independent person who can adjust the distance from her son at the right time, and if the father is also actively involved in his son's life and education, the child's Oedipus complex will be mild or even negligible.

The same is true for girls.

For a variety of reasons, your mother may not have psychologically separated from you at the appropriate time. Additionally, your father may have been absent, and you may have spent a significant amount of time with your father, which could have led to the development of a Oedipus complex.

What is the solution to this problem?

1. Gain an understanding of the underlying causes of your behavior and maintain an appropriate distance from your mother.

Once the underlying reasons behind these behaviors are understood, a more accurate self-perception can be achieved. However, it is essential to recognize the need for eventual independence and the subsequent formation of one's own family unit. This necessitates maintaining a suitable distance from one's mother.

Famous psychologist Sylvia states, "All love in the world is ultimately convergent. There is, however, one form of love that is divergent: the love parents have for their children."

A newborn child is unable to care for itself and requires its mother's undivided attention and protection. It is the mother's responsibility to ensure the child's physical and safety needs are met. However, as the child grows, it is essential for the mother or father to gradually increase the distance between themselves and the child. This allows the child to develop a sense of self, encourages exploration and learning, and fosters independence.

It is possible that your mother or father is not aware of this, but it is not reasonable to blame them for this lack of awareness. They have their own limitations and may not have the necessary skills to navigate the complexities of the relationship with you. However, now that you have reached adulthood, you have the opportunity to address the Oedipus complex and establish a healthy distance from your mother or father, which will not negatively impact the quality of your parent-child relationship.

2. Enhance your life and expand your social circle.

Many boys are attached to their mothers, or girls to their fathers, because when they were young, there were few other sources of interest or social interaction, so they were forced to focus all their attention on their mother/father.

You can now enhance your life by pursuing a variety of activities. These may include joining a sports team, making friends with individuals who share your interests, learning to play a musical instrument, traveling, painting, reading, developing new skills, or attending exhibitions.

As your life becomes more enriched, you will find that this issue will no longer be a priority. I believe it is also important to continue learning and growing so that you can better navigate the rest of your life and have a more clear perspective when challenges arise.

In his work, "The Interpretation of Dreams," renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud posited that a mother/father complex is a common phenomenon, particularly during early childhood. Attachment to mother/father is a fundamental and natural instinct.

However, at some point, we will need to become independent and start a family, and we will have to live a good life in society. When we are independent and confident, and can cooperate well with others, we can still take care of our mother/father. It is true that your mother/father loves you very much, but you are destined to have a broader world waiting for you.

It is recommended that, where possible, you develop an authentic romantic relationship in real life. This will allow you to live in the present, to live in reality, and to embrace authentic intimacy.

I believe there is no need to inform your mother. It is more important for you to understand yourself so that you can live your own life.

I wish you the best.

Dear questioner,

Hello. You mentioned that during your adolescence, you had an inappropriate thought about your mother. This incident has been a source of guilt for many years, which has unfortunately prevented you from getting close to your mother. You expressed a desire to confess to your mother, but you are afraid that she will distance herself from you. This situation is undoubtedly challenging for you.

From what you've shared, I can sense the internal conflict and struggle you're facing. I want you to know that I'm here for you and I'm ready to listen. It's clear that you've been holding back something you've been suppressing for many years. This is a significant step forward for you, as you've been carrying this burden inside for so long and constantly berating yourself.

I believe it would be helpful to identify the potential causes of these inappropriate thoughts about your mother.

First of all, the Oedipus complex that young children have for their parents is a unique emotional phenomenon in the process of children's psychosexual development. It plays an important role in the development of children's gender awareness and the identification of gender roles. In fact, the Oedipus complex does not only occur in early childhood. As children enter adolescence, with the sprouting of individual sexual awareness, it is not uncommon for them to use the opposite-sex parent as an object to release sexual pressure. This can result in the recreation of the emotion of "Oedipus complex" or "Electra complex."

It is important to note that the inappropriate thoughts you had about your mother during adolescence are not unforgivable. In fact, they precisely show that your gender role is being established normally. However, when we simply attribute these thoughts to hormones, we may regard them as very dirty and even label ourselves as no different from animals. This can lead to a heavy sense of guilt.

It seems that this sense of guilt is particularly strong in people with a strong sense of morality and who are strict with themselves. It may be the case that they won't allow themselves to have such thoughts, even once.

Secondly, from your description, it seems that you care about your mother and are concerned that she may distance herself from you after you confess. It appears that, although you have chosen to maintain a certain distance from your mother, she remains close to you.

Could it be that in your mother's eyes, you are a very filial and sensible good boy? Perhaps the more so, the more you may feel that your thoughts on that occasion were so unforgivable. It's possible that you may have had countless urges to tell your mother, but were deterred by the fear that if your mother knew, she would distance herself from you.

This is a challenging situation, and I can imagine it is quite painful.

I wonder if I might suggest that, given your description of your relationship with your mother, it might be helpful to consider whether you have always had a close relationship with her since childhood, and whether you have a deep attachment to her. If the parents have a good relationship, it seems that the father may naturally become a barrier to the son's excessive intimacy with his mother, thus helping the son to slowly project his attachment to his mother onto other peers of the opposite sex.

However, if the father is absent, the son may continue to have an excessive attachment to the mother. When puberty arrives and sexual awareness begins to sprout, the son may "eroticize" his attachment to the mother, that is, sex becomes more of an expression of attachment. Because sex symbolizes the fusion of two individuals, what you call "unreasonable thoughts" could be a way to express the deep attachment of wanting to be separated from the mother in adolescence but not wanting to be separated from her internally.

Finally, I would like to suggest that guilt is a complex emotion that distinguishes us as humans from other animals. However, if this feeling arises for reasons other than simply being unable to control your sexual urges, then learning to be compassionate is also an important human ability.

In this regard, I hope the questioner can be kind to himself, let go of his excessive harshness towards himself, and allow himself to imagine an integrated attachment to his mother as a normal child of a gender role. Of course, this may take a long time for people with a strong sense of morality.

As time goes by and our life experiences increase, we may find that we project our attachment to our opposite-sex parent onto other members of the opposite sex, and begin to fall in love and enter into marriage. When we are able to establish a new intimate relationship, it could be seen as a sign that we have completed our psychological separation from our family and truly achieved independence of character.

I'm not sure how your current intimate relationship is going. If this has affected your intimate relationship, I don't think simply confessing to your mother is enough. You might find it helpful to talk to a counselor about this in more depth.

I hope my answer has been helpful and informative for you. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Hello.

You blame yourself for inappropriate thoughts about your mother during puberty. Do you still feel guilty?

I don't know how old you are. How long have you had these thoughts?

You seem like a kind, moral child.

Otherwise, you'd be less stressed.

You're a good boy who follows the rules. There's no need to forgive yourself.

Just let the thoughts be, choose a girl you like better when the time is right, and direct your thoughts.

Win her over with your grades and performance!

I want to tell you:

Imagination is not reality!

Your guilt and shame are based on a false assumption.

You have cut off your connection to your mother through overcompensating defenses.

You want to break free from your mother's influence by becoming independent.

You created this false sense of incest anxiety, perhaps wanting to escape the sexual awakening.

Anxiety and inner turmoil?

I want to tell you:

Your thoughts are just thoughts.

It doesn't make you a bad person.

Your sexual awareness and harsh education also play a role.

You chose your mother as an object of investment to avoid sexual urges and shame.

I'm Consultant Yao. I'm here to help!

Greetings. I am a mental health counselor at the national second-level of practice.

I have conducted a thorough examination of the account in question.

From the narrative, it is evident that you are experiencing significant distress. During puberty, you had impure thoughts about your mother, and you are unable to forgive yourself. You perceive these thoughts as a form of psychological distress.

The incident occurred several years ago, yet its ramifications persist. The subject experiences feelings of guilt and is unable to confront his mother, leading to a conscious decision to disassociate from her. He has contemplated confessing to his mother and requesting forgiveness, a course of action that might facilitate resolution. However, he is also concerned that his mother might subsequently disengage from him.

The momentary unbridled thought is a personal concept, and there is no obligation to divulge it to one's mother. Disclosing it may potentially lead to complications.

One might inquire as to how one might forgive oneself in the absence of disclosure to one's mother.

The reason why a momentary unbridled thought haunts an individual for many years and prevents them from moving on may be related to their perception of the situation. This perception can be likened to a policeman in a moral court who keeps the individual fixated on the matter. In other words, the individual may possess a strong sense of morality that prevents them from allowing any deviation from their moral standards.

As the ancients observed, one should "act from emotion, but within the bounds of propriety." This ability to regulate one's emotions while remaining within the confines of social norms is what defines a gentleman.

As human beings, we will inevitably experience some instinctive reactions to the external world. However, as long as we refrain from acting on these impulses, we can be considered gentlemen.

The aforementioned information is provided for your reference and is intended to be helpful. You are also welcome to leave a message should you require further consultation.

Should you remain distressed, it would be advisable to consult with a qualified psychological counselor. Such an intervention is likely to prove beneficial.