14-year-old girl, very confused, not sure how to handle family relationships?

Hug you, my child. You did an amazing job! I know you didn't mean it that way. You just want your family to see your hard work and recognize your efforts. Most importantly, you really did a great job!

You used the term "Chinese-style parenting," so I know you already understand the concept. In fact, in our field of education, it is not a positive concept because many people have this deeply ingrained idea that children must be educated in a way that is a blow to them. In an era of extreme material scarcity, when they could not eat enough and wear warm clothes, they were actually more pursuing a kind of survival than awakening their sense of self. This kind of suppressive education can enable children to quickly acquire the skills to survive in this situation. The way they love their children more is what they want to give their children, not what their children need.

In modern society, material wealth has greatly increased, and we no longer simply need the skills to survive, but also the meaning of life. At this time, we have the incredible opportunity to pay attention to the inner growth and needs of our children. Your parents may not have adapted well to the current social environment, but you can help them thrive in this new environment!

I truly believe that they are filled with joy in their hearts for every bit of progress you make! However, because of the education they have received, they may not always be the best at expressing it in front of you or in the way you hope. But, as far as your expression is concerned, they have all expressed themselves to a certain extent, right?

So they do love you! They just don't know how to express it. I think you can write a letter to your mother and let her know about all the amazing mental activities you've talked about here. Of course, I think you will also express your gratitude and love for your mother in your heart.

You're absolutely amazing! Keep up the great work and make them so proud of you! Let your future self be their pride and joy.

Good day.

"I am 14 years of age, in the first year of junior high school, and my grades are satisfactory. I come from a traditional family, and my family members adhere to the 'Chinese-style parenting' approach. They are concerned that I may become arrogant and rarely praise me, which has led to a lack of security and low self-esteem in me."

I believe you have a good understanding of the situation. Could you please describe what is meant by the term "Chinese-style parent"? On the one hand, they place a high value on academic achievement. However, on the other hand, they are concerned that you may become arrogant.

While they do not explicitly request your grades, their attitude towards grades and scores indicates that they are pleased when you achieve good results and feel a sense of superiority when comparing you to others. It is challenging for you to discern whether they are pleased with the outcome or the effort you have invested in achieving it. They do not offer praise.

When performance is below expectations, feedback is often lacking, and there is a risk of inadvertently undermining the individual's confidence.

"Chinese-style parents" are highly concerned with external evaluations and the perceived success of their children in school. It appears that the child has become a means of preserving their own reputation.

Furthermore, rewards such as those received by your sister are directly linked to grades and scores. They are not intended to praise the individual as a person.

"Chinese-style parents" are particularly deficient in emotional expression and connection. We assert that a person, a life, is unique and the most precious. While good grades are certainly commendable, when grades are not good, the individual needs to receive even more care and support. However, "Chinese-style parents" are particularly deficient in this area.

Despite your efforts to achieve good grades and scores, your parents did not offer any praise. They even advised you to avoid pride and maintain humility.

When viewed in this light, the parent's expectations can be likened to the reins of a horse. The child is encouraged to work hard and achieve high grades, but the parent also has the ability to slow down or stop the child's progress with a simple command or remark. The child is expected to maintain a balance between hard work and humility.

It is important to recognize that "Chinese parents" often have difficulty expressing emotions. This is a cultural norm that extends to both adults and children. It is not uncommon for individuals in our culture to have difficulty establishing emotional connections.

As a female, you may wish to consider teasing your parents in a lighthearted manner, employing a combination of gentle and assertive tactics to elicit praise and compliments from them.

For individuals with a high emotional quotient, self-praise and recognition when academic achievements are attained is an effective strategy.

Over time, you will come to recognize that you are studying for yourself. You can acknowledge your own achievements by offering yourself praise when your grades are good, allowing yourself to feel positive when they are not, or seeking support from friends. As you gain this independence, the role of the "Chinese-style parent" may become less significant.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this matter.

Dear little sister,

Hello, I'm Yu Liyuan, your listening coach. Thank you so much for putting your trust in me and for sharing your story!

You are a hardworking, sensible child with excellent grades. It's clear that you have high expectations of yourself and want to prove yourself through your grades. You understand your parents' educational model. Chinese parents are often quite introverted, which can make it difficult for them to praise and commend their children as much as they would like. This approach can make you feel like your hard work and dedication aren't being seen. You hope to receive their affirmation and recognition, but they haven't done so, which can make you feel a bit lost.

At the same time, they like to compare your grades with those of your best friends, which can make you feel a bit down. It can feel like they only care about your grades and don't pay much attention to you as a person. Your sister also compares her grades with yours, which can make you feel a bit uncomfortable. You always wear the clothes left over from your sister, and you have to get good grades in order to buy clothes. This can make you feel like you're not valued and a bit neglected by your family. So you feel a bit confused and helpless. You really hope that they can pay more attention to you, care about you, and love you more ?

I can see that your parents are more traditional and introverted, and that they're not always the best at expressing themselves. But I truly believe that they love you dearly. After all, which parents don't love their children? We all hope that our parents will praise us more and express their love for us more, but their behavior is often limited by their culture and experiences. Since parents cannot be changed, we cannot use "parental feedback" to negate ourselves, right?

You are so good, you are sensible and hardworking, and your grades are the envy of many. I can tell you're holding back from telling them your grades, but I think it's because you're afraid of your mother's reaction and you're afraid of losing again.

If this is really the case, would you be willing to muster up the courage to speak your mind? For example, you could say something like, "Mom, every time I tell you my grades, you just say 'hmm,' and I really want to hear your thoughts. Do you think I did well or not?"

"Or you can also say, 'Mom, I really hope you can praise me.'" If it's tough for parents to do so, it's a great idea to praise yourself more often. Make a list of all the things you've done well each day and give yourself a pat on the back. You're awesome! You got first or second place again this time. You can also treat yourself to something you enjoy or share your joy with your best friends.

I really hope this helps! We all feel confused sometimes, especially when we're young. But I know you'll get through this and come out the other side, ready to take on the world!

A supportive gesture for an adolescent girl who is in need of understanding and guidance.

Firstly, it is challenging to accurately comprehend your emotions and assess your family's stance and relationship with you. You possess a keen sensitivity and are adept at discerning their roles, behaviours and intentions. At 14 years of age, you have already demonstrated remarkable proficiency. As you mature physically and mentally, you will continue to excel and gain deeper insight into your family's actions. Primarily, it is essential to gain a more comprehensive understanding of them.

Secondly, family relationships and the way parents and children interact are often challenging to modify and have become ingrained habits. You may wish to consider discussing your feelings with your sister. You also have a younger brother.

As the second child, you find yourself in a somewhat contradictory position, sandwiched between your sister, who is already working, and your younger brother, who is still young. This may be the reason why you are so understanding.

You may also use the opportunity to chat with your sister to share other things about yourself and talk about their expectations for your future. What are those expectations?

Third, it is crucial to recognize your personal inner strength and the value of self-improvement. It is important to persevere in the face of challenges, even when you do not receive praise or support from your family. It is essential to understand that your efforts are for your own benefit, not for the approval of others.

While encouragement and support from family members are important, you may benefit from pursuing activities outside of school to enrich your life. These activities could include developing new interests, engaging in more sports, or socializing with others. These pursuits have the potential to reduce feelings of anxiety and helplessness.

In short, you are a highly capable individual with excellent communication skills. I encourage you to engage in open dialogue with your family and pursue activities that enrich your life. This will undoubtedly lead to personal growth and advancement.

I am eager to see your continued growth and development.

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