We do not condone the use of violence as a means of resolving conflict. However, it is necessary to respond to violence in a way that is proportionate and effective.
In the event that the individual responding to the aggression is an adult, it is preferable for them to be the victim. Only the victim has the right and responsibility to halt the perpetrator's harmful actions and protect themselves.
Both the father and mother are adults and enjoy equal status in the family.
In the event that a parent is violent towards the mother, it is advisable for the mother to take steps to protect herself, thereby alleviating the child of the burden of concern and conflict with the father.
Otherwise, the child becomes the de facto representative of the mother and is also subjected to the psychological consequences of her distress. This is an unfair burden for the child.
1. Violence is a method used by the weak to assert themselves. It is important for victims to be aware that they should not be afraid and should not be afraid to defend themselves.
I am 16 years of age. Today, my parents engaged in another altercation. It is exhausting to witness such behavior. Since childhood, my father has employed verbal and physical violence within the family unit. Today, my mother made a mistake while cooking noodles, and my father became enraged. I heard a multitude of disparaging remarks about my mother in my room, and he made her sound worthless.
A family in which parental discord is present will have a detrimental impact on the child.
If one parent is violent towards the other and the other parent is unable to protect themselves, the impact on the child is significantly greater than if the parents were engaged in a physical altercation.
While the father is the primary aggressor, his outward displays of strength are merely a facade. He lacks the capacity and willingness to address issues constructively. Instead, he resorts to verbal and physical aggression, attempting to maintain an image that is not aligned with reality.
In the face of her violent father, her non-reaction, non-response, and submissiveness would not only fail to calm his anger but would also serve to reinforce his arrogance.
It is important to note that while both the father and mother may be experiencing psychological trauma, when they are unable to resolve their conflicts psychologically, the first thing to stop is physical and verbal abuse.
It is imperative that the mother assumes the role of a responsible party within the couple and demonstrates the courage to advocate for herself and put a stop to the father's violent abuse.
2. An abuser will inflict violence on the weak. It is therefore necessary to have someone stronger than the abuser to stop the violence.
My mother raised my brother and me on her own. She was subjected to physical abuse at the hands of my father and verbal abuse from my grandmother. My father's relatives held her in low regard. She never spoke up; she simply remained silent. When I was young, my father would assault her with various household items, leaving her with visible injuries. I will never forget that. Fortunately, my brother was present, or my mother would have been killed by my father long ago. My brother was only 14 at the time.
While your father did not directly harm you, his actions against your mother were unacceptable. As the individual closest to you and your brother, your mother's well-being was of paramount importance.
The repeated instances of your mother being hurt may have had a profound impact on you and your brother.
Both the father and grandmother displayed a proclivity for violence, and their family history suggests a pattern of abuse and masochism.
While your mother may be naturally reticent, if she is permitted to be unduly influenced by her father and his family, she will remain in a vulnerable position.
It is important to understand that an abuser will only target someone who is weaker than them.
They exercise caution in the presence of a person of influence.
As minors, you and your brother are not in a position to protect your mother from the psychological damage your father has caused. It is unfair to you and your brother.
3. The father has an unfavorable opinion of the mother but is also intimidated by her capabilities. He desires to rely on her, but also to exert control over her.
Despite the father's prohibition, the mother is employed. However, the father's behavior at the workplace is disruptive, and the mother is subjected to harsh criticism. The following day, the mother is subjected to further criticism at her place of work.
What are the potential consequences of the mother's employment?
Is there a concern that if the mother were to be gainfully employed, she would view the father as inadequate and disown him?
He may wish to maintain control over his mother and issue directives at all times, thereby ensuring a sense of stability. This dynamic represents a manifestation of both dependence and control.
However, if his mother does not work, he will be unable to provide for the family, and he will be resentful of his mother for not working.
After consuming alcohol, he visits his mother's workplace and behaves in an unruly manner, displaying emotional instability.
From the father's behavior, it is evident that he is attempting to exert control over his mother while simultaneously seeking her support. He displays a high level of insecurity and confusion, exhibiting a lack of emotional stability.
4. Urge your mother to take a more assertive stance, thereby alleviating the burden on you and your brother.
I am eager to mature rapidly so that I can please my mother, but despite my best efforts, I am aware that I will likely remain a disappointment to her. I tend to be highly sensitive and have low self-esteem. I lack genuine friendships and am isolated by my teachers due to my struggles in academics. My teachers have suggested that I am deserving of mistreatment due to the domestic violence in my home, and my classmates have circulated rumors about me. I typically strive to excel academically, but my teachers consistently discourage me.
Dear child,
It is important to note that the difficulties currently being experienced by your mother are not a result of any actions or inactions on your part or your brother's.
You are being somewhat unfair to yourself by self-scrutiny and excessive pressure.
Your mother, as an adult, is unable to protect herself, let alone you and your brother, who are still children.
The decision of whether or not your mother is happy is hers alone.
You may feel that this is unfair to your mother, but if the weak are not allowed to be bullied, they will respond with unstoppable resolve.
You and your brother can encourage your mother to take action to stop your father's violent behavior. If she feels powerless, she can also seek outside help, rather than making you and your brother worry for her.
At school, you are under no obligation to feel inferior. Your parents' relationship is their business, and you are under no obligation to focus on it. Do not carry the guilt around with you, as it will impede your ability to study and interact with your classmates. You are entitled to a happy life.
The teacher's disciplinary approach is a matter for the teacher to address. It is important to maintain a clear distinction between the teacher's emotions and your own, allowing you to live and study in a normal manner.
Should you require assistance due to excessive discomfort, the school psychologist is available to provide support.
I hope the above responses are helpful to you.
I am Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor, and I wish you well.
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By Anonymous | Published on December 18, 2024
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Comments
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's heartbreaking to see your parents fight like that, especially with the violence involved. You're not alone in this; there are people who can help both you and your mom find a way out of this situation. Maybe we could look into local support groups or organizations that assist families dealing with domestic abuse.
It breaks my heart to hear about what you're experiencing at home. No one should have to live in fear like that, and it's important for you and your mother to know that there is help available. Perhaps reaching out to a counselor or a social worker could provide some guidance on how to handle these issues safely and effectively.
What you're describing is incredibly tough, and I admire your strength for sharing this. The abuse you've witnessed and the impact it has on your life is something that needs professional attention. There are hotlines and services dedicated to helping people in abusive situations, and they can offer advice on how to protect yourself and your mom while also supporting your emotional wellbeing.