20 years old, male, refuses to associate with people but craves intimacy?

Hello. I am Lulu the fat tiger, a chubby Lulu born in the year of the tiger!

I am honored to have encountered your question and to be able to answer it. It also shows that we are destined to be together!

Next, we must address your problem. You can get along with just about anyone, and I understand why. However, you never share your innermost thoughts with anyone and keep your distance from everyone. What I don't understand is what exactly you mean by "innermost thoughts."

Is it something that bothers you? Or is it someone you like?

Is that so?

You also mentioned that you have some femininity. I'd like to know exactly what you mean by that.

I think this also slanders women!

Men can have a girlish personality. It's just a personality!

You used the term improperly! It doesn't mean anything.

Next, let's continue to look at the fact that the few people you are close to are all friends of the opposite sex. I can assure you there are no guys with similar personalities as you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with girls!

You have every right to decide whether you want to be friends. Don't let other people's opinions make you feel like you need to change who you are. Is that clear?

Next, continue. You also mentioned that your emotional sensitivity and reaction patterns are like a little girl's. Have you ever heard of a personality called a sensitive personality? I'll tell you about it later. Next, let's continue. You also mentioned that you don't think you have friends, and in your eyes, there are only lovers and passers-by.

You said you have a few close friends of the opposite sex. I think if you think of them as friends, they want to date you.

Everyone wants eternal love. It's normal. It's not pathological.

Don't worry!

Next, it's time for science!

A highly sensitive personality is an innate character trait possessed by a person or category of people. Sensitive people are more easily moved and suggestible. They are a type of person who is easily touched by the outside world. They are very good at noticing the subtleties and nuances of reality!

There is also a book called Highly Sensitive People, which is this one!

I'm sure my answer is helpful! I'm Lulu, the fat tiger!

Hello! When you see someone's face, it's like meeting them in person.

This is the psychology of human relationships. In relationships, people are primarily responsible for themselves, and everyone has the resources to cope with and solve challenges.

So, what causes conflicts?

First, self-esteem. It's easy to respect others with a greeting and some politeness, but respect for yourself is often overlooked. Don't go against your own inner will. Please respect yourself.

Second, interpersonal experience. First, there's a shared interest. When you start with a shared interest and express your emotions sincerely, it can lead to mutual praise and criticism, which can create an intimate space where people can be sincere, equal, and free to express themselves. This can help relationships develop.

Third, show love to others in a genuine way. It's not always easy to do this.

It's important to have an attitude of contributing to others. Whatever you do, you're doing it for the other person's benefit. You might think you've been negligent, but the other person can feel your attitude, which is very important in interpersonal relationships.

Fourth, pay attention to your image. Your image is the foundation of your life. People can often see your shortcomings better than you can, so you should always check whether you're presentable and polite.

There are lots of different ways to communicate with others to deal with and solve problems. As long as you adjust your inner state and behavior appropriately and send out signals of acceptance and understanding towards others, I believe you will be able to experience the security of interpersonal relationships and better communication and cooperation.

I hope this answers your question and that you have a happy life!

Hello, question asker. I'm here to help. Let's break down the question asker's issue. There are two key pieces of information in the question, and these three qualities also apply to how the question asker presents themselves.

The first thing to note is that the poster usually gets along well with everyone. This shows that the poster is relatively good at socializing and can also be said to have relatively good social adaptability.

However, there's often a catch to these types of statements. The poster then says that it's difficult for her to confide in others because she's afraid of being looked down upon. So, although the poster gets along well with everyone, she lacks some intimate relationships and friendships, which is unfortunate.

The second message is that the poster knows it's tough to open up to others and is worried about being judged. I'm curious what the poster means by "judged."

The poster said later that she is somewhat feminine. Is that true? Or is it because of some other reason that she is afraid to reveal her innermost feelings?

From the standpoint of relationships, sharing personal details is a key step in bringing people closer. If we always protect ourselves, it doesn't help in building closeness. But as they say, there's a limit to intimacy, and even the closest relationships allow for secrets.

I think the best approach would be for the poster to organize the things they don't want to talk about, prioritize them in terms of safety, and then expose themselves in moderation.

The third and most important thing to know is that the poster feels a bit feminine. Right now, she's looking forward to love more than friendship and has beautiful fantasies about love. I wonder if the poster feels that this is pathological because she feels feminine.

To be sure, the poster's situation is not pathological. Even if there is something wrong with one's sexual orientation, that is not pathological. Let's ask, is Venus pathological?

Clearly, she's living a great life. So it might be best to set aside the question of whether it's pathological and focus on exploring the issue.

Everyone is unique, just like Chinese herbal medicine. Each herb has its own characteristics, which distinguish it from other herbs. These properties determine the efficacy and medicinal value of the herbs. There is no difference between good and bad characteristics, just as there is no difference between good and bad personality traits of each of us.

There's no standard way to judge whether someone is more feminine or masculine, or whether it's normal or not. As long as you're good at using your abilities and find the right person, it's reasonable to exist.

The host identifies as feminine, but I'm not sure what that means in this context. In reality, everyone is androgynous, both physically and in terms of personality. During puberty, while testosterone rises in males, estrogen also rises. This is a physiological fact, and the same is true of personality.

I'm a woman with a gentle side and also some more masculine traits, like being bold and decisive. My personality is pretty dynamic. A lot of men become more patient and less concerned with trivial matters after becoming fathers, taking care of the kids and doing the housework, or when there are a lot of women in the family discussing family matters.

People who lack a sense of security can also be sensitive and vulnerable. These are based on changes in the environment. Personality can be changed, but character is relatively stable. So, can the poster confirm that they are truly feminine?

Or is there just a slightly stronger female component? Is it a case of male or female that dominates?

I hope the poster can be more aware of this: gender identity is a prerequisite for opening the door to love.

As for figuring out your sexual orientation, I suggest the original poster look into it further. It's all normal, no matter what.

There's no right or wrong in and of itself, but how we perceive this fact is where the problem lies. Put another way, if I don't identify with my gender and experience severe psychological conflict, we need to seek help and integrate to achieve balance.

I hope the host can find the person who suits him best. The future is full of unknowns, and everything is changing, so just go with the flow and allow yourself to change. Who knows, there might be a miracle.

From what the questioner is saying, I can see that they're going through a lot. They're feeling conflicted, helpless, and powerless, and they're looking for intimacy. I think this might be why they're looking for help.

Let me start by answering the question at the end of the original post. The questioner says that she wants eternal love, even though she knows it's unrealistic. This shows that the questioner has a strong sense of self and knows that the eternal love she wants is unattainable in real life. But she still wants it. I don't think this question should be defined as "pathological." It could be that the subconscious self's needs are too strong, but the conscious self has suppressed them so much that the questioner is unable to discover them. Then, the questioner can try to become aware of what kind of love she wants when she has that strong desire and who it is related to. Is it friendship, love, or some other emotion?

Once you find this answer, you've basically solved half the problem for the questioner.

Going back to the original question, the author says she has a few friends of the opposite sex and that she has plenty of friends in general. This shows she has the social skills to make friends, but when it comes to these friends of the opposite sex, she doesn't seem willing to share her innermost thoughts. As the author says, she gets along well with everyone, but she's never willing to share her innermost thoughts and keeps a certain distance from others, for fear that they'll look down on her.

It seems that the questioner is afraid of being looked down upon by others, which is why she keeps a certain distance from them and is reluctant to share her thoughts. It's clear that the feeling of being looked down upon is still very strong, as it constantly reminds the questioner. In this case, it would be helpful for the questioner to recall who has looked down upon her in the past and what experiences of being looked down upon she has had.

The questioner said they're somewhat feminine, with sensitive emotional responses, like a woman. This might be related to their original family environment. I was also quite sensitive to emotions, and many of my responses were like those of a little girl, so my family always said I didn't act like a man. Later, I studied psychology and slowly became aware and reflective, discovering where my problem lay and slowly untangling the source of my distress. I won't share the specific information here.

The questioner says he only sees the difference between lovers and friends. This could be a sign of what he needs from a relationship. Maybe he thinks that friends don't talk about their feelings, or that lovers can say anything. But in real life, relationships have different levels. For example, friends will greet you when they meet, but not really talk about anything else. Next are better friends, who you can meet and hang out with often to exchange things about work and life, but won't talk about their feelings. Then there are the kind of friends who are even better, who you may not meet and hang out with as much, but will talk about their feelings and call each other for help in time of trouble. Finally, there are lovers.

Every relationship has a corresponding relationship distance and emotional depth. You need to maintain an appropriate distance when getting along with each other and interact with the other person with the appropriate intensity of emotion. Therefore, the expectations and feelings towards the other person will also be somewhat different. For example, no ordinary friend would expect a friend or lover to understand and accept some of their emotions or habits and meet their demands because that's not appropriate for the other person. However, deep down, the questioner doesn't have such understanding and they just seek to satisfy their own needs.

I believe the questioner can find a suitable teacher to receive systematic psychological counseling to release these suppressed emotions and desires and solve the problems troubling them.

Hello. I can see that you long for eternal love, but it seems that you are struggling with the ability to enter into intimate relationships. It appears that you have some internal conflicts and contradictions. You want to have an intimate relationship, and I can understand you.

You typically have good interpersonal communication skills and methods, and you usually get along well with everyone. However, you may sometimes find it challenging to talk about your inner feelings and may keep your distance from others because you are afraid of others seeing your vulnerable and imperfect side. You may worry that others will truly understand you, and you may be concerned that others will look down on you in the future if they get to know your imperfect side. You may not fully approve of yourself and may find it difficult to accept your true self. That's why you may sometimes hesitate to let others into your heart.

I see that you rate yourself as somewhat feminine. I'm not sure who gave you this rating, and I wonder if it has had some effect on you. Your emotional sensitivity and reaction patterns are like those of a little girl. Is it because you identify more with little girls? What kind of people do we prefer, or with what kind of people do we often spend time together? Our words and actions will unconsciously learn from and imitate the people around us.

You say you long for eternal love. Could I ask you to clarify whether this is love where someone gives you eternal love or whether it is where you and someone else love each other eternally? I feel it is important to understand that love is mutual. I believe that Wu Zhihong once said that love is deep understanding and acceptance.

If you want to receive love or be loved, it would be beneficial to present your whole self to the other person. It would be helpful to understand and accept yourself, including being honest and exposing your vulnerability to the other person. It is often the case that we encounter true love when we have the courage to be hurt.

A beautiful love is made up of passion, intimacy, and commitment, all three of which are indispensable. A beautiful love has the potential to nourish two people and allow them to grow better, and it can repair early psychological trauma. I would gently suggest that you read the book "Why Love Hurts" by Wu Zhihong to gain a deeper understanding of why you may be afraid of entering into an intimate relationship because you are afraid of being hurt. Then you may wish to explore where this kind of hurt came from in the first place, and you might find it helpful to understand yourself better.

From my experience as a married person, I have learned that to receive love, it is important to first learn to love ourselves. By learning to love ourselves, understanding and accepting our dark sides, and treating others with kindness and respect, we can open ourselves up to love and acceptance, achieve heart-to-heart communication, and experience the flow of love.

Love is something that can be learned. It's important to accept yourself, warts and all. I hope you can learn to embrace your vulnerability, accept yourself fully, and meet someone special. Best of luck to you.

Good morning, I am writing in response to your question.

From your description, you indicate that you are feminine, that you are afraid to get too close to others, and that at the same time you want intimacy. This is a common phenomenon. We are afraid to express our inner needs, but on the outside, we seem to be very afraid of getting close to others. This is primarily due to an inability to trust others, coupled with an underlying fear of being hurt. As a result, we are reluctant to express our feelings.

It is important to note that everyone shares this same fundamental desire. We are all driven by the need to be seen and satisfied. This is a core aspect of our genetic makeup as social creatures. Consequently, we all seek to fulfill our inner needs through external sources, whether it be ourselves or others.

It is important to recognize that the conditions under which we operate are often challenging. It is not always feasible to have the resources and support that we require to meet our objectives. This is also true for our parents. While the world may appear to offer unconditional love, it is essential to understand that everyone has their own set of expectations and standards. These standards are often high and transparent, but they remain unspoken. Consequently, it is not always possible to achieve the level of love that you have described. Instead, we can say that at a specific point in time, a particular individual may fulfill our psychological needs, such as our parents, who met our needs when we were children, and our partners, who continue to do so as we transition into adulthood and establish our own families.

In addition to having our needs met by others, we can also satisfy them ourselves. It is possible for everyone's psychological needs to be met by others or by themselves. As adults, we rely on ourselves to satisfy our needs in most situations, but there are also instances where we rely on others to do so.

It is a common misconception that time will always be satisfying. However, this is not a realistic expectation. This kind of love may be reflected in parents, but as adults, we need to learn to satisfy our own needs and learn to care for ourselves. We can do this by pursuing activities that capture our interest, enriching our lives, and developing self-confidence. This method of introspection can also enhance our overall well-being. Therefore, it is essential to learn to prioritize self-care, cultivate independence, and foster trust in others. By doing so, we can achieve a state of sustained happiness.

I hope this information is useful to you.

Lin Yang:

1. Happiness: We should follow the principle of happiness. And what is right? Whatever makes you happy is right!

What's wrong? What's making you suffer? Let's change that!

Not only does it cause you pain, but it also causes pain to those around you. That is a mistake. So, you refuse to get involved with people but long for intimacy. Fortunately, you've found your perfect match! Some girls think the same way, and you're one of them.

As long as you and your partner follow the rules of the game, as long as you are not obsessed with it and do not suffer, you will be absolutely fine!

2. [Change] You're aware of your shortcomings, and you're ready to change them! Just list them and start making changes today.

As your shortcomings become fewer and your strengths become more numerous, you will no longer think like this. And if you don't want to change your shortcomings, that's fine too! Just learn to accept the status quo.

3. [Extreme] Your current thinking is either you live in a villa or you end up on the street. Let's try something different! How about we transition to a flat first?

Absolutely! You can absolutely have a friend of the opposite sex and then gradually develop and establish a romantic relationship. And you can absolutely aspire to own an eternal villa!

Absolutely! There's nothing wrong with this, as long as you've got what it takes. When you've got the skills and the know-how, your dreams can become reality!

When your abilities are not enough to support your ambitions, don't fret! You can still achieve your dreams. The ideal state in life is to be close to your dreams while also being accompanied by reality.

Hello, July!

I understand your question. I'm here for you.

You said you don't want to socialize but also want intimacy. It's normal to have these thoughts. Many people feel this way. Don't pressure yourself.

This way of thinking seems a bit contradictory, but it is also reasonable. You will develop this pattern of behavior because of your family of origin. You may have rarely experienced healthy intimacy as a child, so you will reject relationships when you grow up. You are afraid of being hurt, so you don't want to interact with others.

But you also want intimacy because you still want emotions and experiences like love.

I have also summarized some methods to help you.

(1) You can try to make more friends to get some emotional needs. Friends can also give you these needs.

(2) Accept yourself. You are a ray of light.

(3) Your own opinion is more important than others'. As long as you like yourself and know what you're doing, that's great.

Read The Courage to Be Disliked and The Courage to Be Happy. They're well written and will give you different feelings and ideas.

(5) If you can't tell others, write it down. A diary can help.

I love you!

Best wishes!

Greetings.

Upon reading your question, I felt a sense of empathy arise within me. I can relate to the feeling of having few friends and being reluctant to open up to others.

I have been hurt many times in the past when making friends, so I have learned to protect myself by closing the door on my heart and focusing on my own growth and development.

I am gradually learning to embrace solitude. While I do occasionally fantasize about finding an everlasting bond, I recognize that true love requires mutual effort and understanding. It is a relationship that is nurtured through tolerance, collaboration, and mutual recognition. To prepare for such a profound connection, I believe it is essential to cultivate self-compassion and develop the capacity to love.

Perhaps we could discuss how I do it.

First and foremost, I occasionally experience feelings of solitude when I'm not inclined to engage in discourse with others. I also crave the opportunity to have my innermost thoughts and feelings acknowledged.

It is not always easy to find someone who can truly understand me and with whom I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Just like my parents, I believe that no one in the world should treat me with more kindness and respect than they do.

I still keep my less impressive achievements hidden from view, because I know that my parents will be disappointed if they discover them.

I've come to understand that perfect love may not exist. Sometimes, we may choose to remain silent to protect ourselves.

And there is nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with it. However, that doesn't mean that the less positive aspects of our lives disappear.

I still feel ashamed and guilty about it.

I would still like my parents to be willing to see that report card and give me encouragement, even though I know it might be difficult for them.

I wonder what I should do. Should I just keep feeling bad about myself?

Perhaps it would be helpful to learn to accept yourself.

Perhaps we could continue to use this report card as an example. It could symbolize a certain shortcoming in us.

I wonder why I received such a poor evaluation.

Could it be that I'm not as intelligent as I could be? However, talent is a gift from God, so perhaps it's not entirely my fault.

Furthermore, it is worth noting that most people possess similar talents. There is no reason to believe that I should be worse than others.

I may not be as good as others, but I'm not far behind.

If it's because I didn't try hard enough, but I clearly wanted a good report card, I would certainly try to do it well. So I'm wondering why I didn't achieve what I longed for.

It may be the case that my family did not teach me how to achieve it, or perhaps the environment I grew up in made it challenging for me to succeed, or it could be that I simply wasn't ready yet.

But at the end of the day, it's just a report card. Even if I don't do as well as I'd hoped, I can still work hard to improve.

It's just a state of affairs, and it doesn't represent me as a person. Even if I did not perform as well as I would have liked on this particular assignment, I am confident that I would excel in other areas.

I would like to respectfully inquire as to why anyone might look down on me.

Could you please clarify the basis for that?

I hope you understand that I have always tried my best. Even if my efforts aren't visible, that doesn't mean I'm not trying.

I believe that a report card, no matter how it is perceived, should not be taken as a reflection of one's entire being. It is just a single aspect of a person's life, and it does not define who they are.

I believe I have always been worthy of respect. If someone looks down on me, perhaps it would be best for everyone involved if they simply went away.

Ultimately, it is up to each of us to decide what we think is right and wrong.

Even if I receive criticism for my academic performance, it's likely that the person offering it is attempting to elevate their own sense of superiority by belittling me. However, a person who feels the need to pick on others to feel superior may have low self-esteem.

But this inferiority complex is his own concern. I just need to focus on doing my own thing.

After reading the question, I feel that the questioner should be a very cute, emotionally rich boy. In particular, I was struck by your graciousness in thanking many of the respondents.

I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with being sensitive. It's simply a matter of experiencing things more deeply, which can lead to a more delicate approach in how you interact with the world.

Perhaps we could say that femininity is just a label that society has put on things.

I believe there's no reason why girls can't be gentle and boys can't be fierce.

I believe sensitive boys can be quite endearing, as can tomboys.

I feel the word "pathological" may be a bit too serious. I personally have never thought of it in those terms. It seems to me that it is simply a different label from the one that is commonly used by the public.

Many people are similar to you, but they may be afraid of public opinion and may feel they have to conform to societal expectations.

I admire your courage in acknowledging your unique qualities rather than conforming to societal expectations. It's not an easy thing to do.

I am a girl with a sensitive personality. I would be grateful if you would consider becoming my friend. If you would like to, please send me a private message. Thank you.

Hello, question asker!

I can't give you much advice on interpersonal relationships in less than 200 words. But I can offer you a chat and help you see more possibilities when you feel conflicted and confused.

[Finding balance in contradictions]

Adolescence is a time when our thoughts tend to swing wildly from one extreme to the other. I see similar patterns in the descriptions you've provided.

You say you have a few people on relatively good terms with you, but you also say you don't have many friends. You say you refuse to get involved with people, but you usually get along with everyone. There's a major conflict within you, which is why you're inconsistent in your expression.

To maintain inner balance, it's time to sort things out. You're easy to get along with and can establish and maintain harmonious relationships with others. You also have some friends of the opposite sex, but not many of the same sex. And now you're eager to develop an intimate relationship.

[Release the hidden stress in your heart]

Everyone has secrets they don't want to tell others. We can choose to keep them to ourselves. But when you say that you "will never tell your secrets" and "are afraid that others will look down on me," it's clear that your secrets, or your perception of yourself, are putting you under a lot of pressure.

You need to find a way to release this pressure. You may not have found a suitable outlet yet, or you may not have found someone you can trust to relieve the pressure. In that case, keep a diary to record some of your emotions and thoughts and keep it in a place you feel safe.

[The world is not black and white]

The world is not black and white.

At twenty years old, you can already move away from dichotomies and towards pluralism. When you say, "In my eyes, there is only the difference between lovers and passers-by," remember that this is just an emotional statement. In the real world, there are other relationship models apart from lovers and passers-by, including acquaintances and friends. When you face a relationship, you are neither going from 0 to 1 directly, nor from 1 to 0 directly. Start with 0.1 and slowly open yourself up to accept the other person.

The original poster needs to let go of their obsession and give love and receive love in return.

Hello, I can see you're confused about yourself. You seem kind and friendly, so you'll do well in relationships. Just be aware of your feelings and express them.

1. "I can get along with anyone, but I don't share my feelings. I keep my distance because I'm afraid others will look down on me."

(1) You are generally honest with others when you get along with them, which is good. But keeping a distance from everyone does not mean it is a problem. This also shows that you have a sense of boundaries. You can talk about your thoughts when you have time. What is affecting your mood?

You can tell at a glance.

(2) Are you afraid others will look down on you? Is there anyone in your life who looks down on you? Do they show it in their words or actions?

Do you think others look down on you? Or do you think you look down on others?

If others look down on you, you can choose to look up to yourself. First, believe in yourself. Second, see if you can improve. Third, focus on your shortcomings. Treat it as an opportunity to improve. If you train hard for many years, you will become better. The prerequisite is that you must believe in yourself. Trusting yourself is the most important thing.

2. "I'm a bit feminine. I get along best with the opposite sex, who are also emotional and sensitive."

You have sensitive traits too. You think your emotional sensitivity and reaction patterns are like a girl's. But men and women can have these traits. He's not just a man. So will he be a problem?

If you don't mind having these traits, will he still bother you? Can you say you have a gentle personality and are easy to get along with the opposite sex? If you train your unique traits, you'll be more aware of them after many years.

Everyone is different. When people say you are like a girl, they just mean you have girl characteristics. You can accept these and train them so they help you grow.

3. "I don't have any friends either. I can only see the difference between lovers and passers-by, and I long for eternal love, even though it's not realistic."

Am I sick?

You're friendly with others, so you have friends. They just aren't at your level yet. Do you expect them to understand you? You have a few friends of the opposite sex. They should understand, accept, and be tolerant of you. You want to get along with them and become good friends. You still have friends, but you want more.

(2) You only see the difference between lovers and passers-by, and you long for eternal love. Do you always feel loved when you are with your lover? This is understandable. We all long to love and be loved. But as adults, we also need to learn how to love ourselves. If we learn to love ourselves, then our love will be eternal. We will be able to love ourselves and others. Especially in an intimate relationship, we will know how to love our partner.

And loving yourself warms you up and gives others warmth and consideration. What do you think?

We must learn to express our needs and adjust our state of mind.

You can love yourself more and more. Give yourself eternal love. I wish you all the best. I hope my answer is useful to you.