26-year-old male, self-harm occurred during every job he has sought. What to do?

Hello,

You've been working summer jobs since high school, so you're a hardworking person, and I give you a big thumbs up for that! It also shows how important work is to you. There must be one or more reasons behind the work that you must work hard for, right? Whether it is active or passive... You're willing to do extreme things because you don't want to give up your job, just hoping to keep this job! In fact, you don't want to do such a thing in front of the public, but at the moment you are really suffering and have no choice but to hurt yourself to get a kind of release. It may also be the best way you think to ask for forgiveness.

After reading this, I have a few questions for you:

1. Have you had any success with this approach before?

2. Did you act similarly as a child?

3. Do you often feel depressed, and is your mood up and down?

4. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?

As a first step, you might want to take a personality inventory to get a better understanding of your personality type and identify the underlying cause.

There are a few other things to keep in mind, too.

First, when these thoughts of self-harm arise, ask yourself what you really need. Think about whether such extreme behavior can really solve the underlying problem.

Second, our emotions are like an emotional box. When we fill the box to the brim, even if it's just a little, it'll burst! So learn to deal with emotions in a timely manner. We can talk to someone we trust, communicate with friends, or let negative emotions out by talking about them. Or do something you like, such as eating something delicious, watching funny videos, listening to music, going out for a walk, etc. Of course, exercise is the best way to relieve stress for men. Aerobic exercise can reduce our stress, bring pleasant emotions, and calm our mood.

Third, it's important to regulate your emotions. When you feel an emotion coming on, accept it, feel it, tell yourself how you feel, and then learn to have a dialogue with it.

In fact, meditation is the best way to regulate emotions. You can search for a meditation method that suits you.

4. Look for the lesson in every setback. As the saying goes, "life is full of disappointments."

This is actually about developing our abilities. That's why there's the saying, "Heaven will bestow great responsibilities on an ordinary person, but first it must first make him bitter, starve him, and make him work hard."

When we face challenges, we're actually growing and learning. Every setback is a chance to become a better, more mature version of ourselves.

What are your thoughts on this?

If you're not ready to open up to those around you, and if your finances allow, you can actually find a counselor to talk about yourself. After all, professionals do professional things.

That's all for now. I hope this has brought you some warmth. Have a great day!

Hello, question asker! Thanks for inviting me to answer.

From what the questioner has said, it seems that when they feel negative emotions, they always find ways to vent them. Is it that they only feel better when they harm themselves? Let's give the questioner a pat on the shoulder and encouragement, and hope that they can learn to deal with their negative emotions in a correct way.

It seems likely that the questioner's pattern of self-attack is influenced by their family of origin. When the questioner was growing up, they didn't learn how to deal with negative emotions, and their family didn't teach them how to deal with negative emotions either. They were not even allowed to have negative emotions in the family, so the only way the questioner could resolve the pain caused by negative emotions was through self-harm, is that right?

Since the question was posted on this platform, I can only offer some straightforward advice.

1. Don't blame yourself for failure.

Sometimes, things aren't just the questioner's responsibility, or they're fixed, or the questioner is to blame. The reason for a failure or mishandling of a situation can't be said to be entirely the fault of the questioner! We all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and it's impossible to be good at everything. There will inevitably be things we're not good enough to do, won't there?

It's important to recognize that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that we can learn from our weaknesses.

For instance, the original poster said that they don't understand interpersonal relationships, so they don't understand. But we can learn how to get along with people and handle interpersonal relationships. Even if you are temporarily frustrated, please accept your own imperfections. It's normal to face your own inadequacies, failures, or mistakes. You don't have to be harsh on yourself.

We all make mistakes.

2. Accept your negative emotions.

It's normal to feel negative emotions when you make mistakes or errors. These can include anxiety, remorse, and self-blame. They're all part of the body's nervous response mechanism and are very normal, instinctive reactions.

If these reactions make the questioner feel bad or if they continue to overreact, it means there's something wrong with the way they respond. But it's not their fault. There might be a deeper reason, like the questioner struggling to accept their own negative emotions.

Then the questioner can start to see where this idea comes from that they can't accept negative emotions.

It's not uncommon for adolescents to have trouble expressing themselves and dealing with their emotions. This can make it difficult for family members to recognize their personal growth, and many people may even struggle to recognize themselves. When they can't release their emotions, they may turn to self-attack.

It might also help to think back and see if you were ever depressed during your teens or at any other time, or if something happened that made you engage in self-harming behavior. Why can't you accept your negative emotions?

3. Learn to manage your emotions.

It's important to learn how to deal with your emotions. It's not scary to have emotions, as long as you learn how to deal with them, you can live with your emotions.

There are lots of ways to deal with emotions. When you're feeling negative, take a deep breath and think about what you're feeling. Is there a better way to deal with it than harming yourself? You could talk to a trusted friend, go for a walk, exercise, or do something you enjoy to release your emotions. As long as you don't hurt anyone, it's up to you.

4. Psychological intervention

If you're struggling to overcome negative emotions, you can seek the guidance of a psychologist through psychological intervention. When it comes to psychological issues, it's always best to consult a professional psychologist for guidance. I firmly believe that a skilled psychologist can help you achieve a positive emotional state.

5. Accept yourself.

Apart from work, it's important to enjoy life. Find your own interests and hobbies, and do the things you like when you have time.

The questioner can also set some positive rewards for themselves, such as buying something they like if they haven't self-harmed for a long time, or treating themselves to a big meal. If you have the chance, you can eat some chocolate or other sweets to give yourself a sense of pleasure.

Life is full of ups and downs, so why doesn't the questioner love themselves? It's okay to accept yourself!

I hope my answer helps the questioner!

Dear host, Thank you so much for inviting me to answer.

I see that you mentioned you started working during the summer vacation of high school, and I admire your dedication. I see that you also mentioned you have some challenges in interpersonal relationships, and you have identified a potential reason, which is that you may not have fully considered the feelings of others. This suggests that you are willing to reflect on yourself and identify the underlying cause. We understand that if you look for reasons outside yourself in everything, you may not make significant changes. However, if you learn to find the reason in yourself, you will gradually become better. I believe that with your continued reflection, you will undoubtedly continue to improve. This progress may be subtle, but it will happen.

It is not uncommon to experience feelings of guilt when we realize that we have not performed a task as well as we would have liked at work. I believe that most of us feel some degree of regret when we make mistakes at work. It is challenging for anyone to complete their work perfectly every single time.

As long as you learn from every mistake and benefit from it, then this job has not been done in vain. Sometimes it is like this: because you are competent at it yourself, you may not give it your full attention, which could result in suboptimal performance. Being able to recognize this will encourage you to pay more attention next time, and you will have the opportunity to improve!

When pain occurs, it is important to find the strength to heal. It is clear that you have come here with great courage, accepting yourself and your past. You have the capacity to do this!

Hello,

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. After carefully reading the post, I can confidently say that you seem to be more likely to release your emotions through "self-harm."

The poster has bravely expressed his distress and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help him better understand and recognize himself, so that he can adjust himself and encounter a better self.

Next, I will share my observations and reflections on the post, which will help you view yourself from a more diverse perspective.

1. You are more likely to find the reason in yourself.

From the post, it is clear that the poster feels that he has not done a good job, has not considered the feelings of others, and is praying for forgiveness. At the same time, he feels very bad. The second point is that he did not do a good job at work. He was obviously competent at this job, but he messed up and feels very guilty.

The host is more likely to find the reason in himself when he encounters something.

This is beneficial and helps us improve. However, it can also cause issues.

For example, you always think it's your own fault and always blame yourself and feel guilty. You don't allow yourself to make mistakes or have high expectations of yourself, and when you don't live up to them, you attack yourself, which gives you a lot of negative emotions.

Dealing with these emotions is difficult. If there is no reasonable way to express them, you may, like the original poster, hurt yourself and use physical pain to make you feel better.

2. Try other reasonable ways to express your emotions.

Psychologically, self-attack and guilt are the most damaging emotions we can experience. When we are immersed in feelings of guilt, our energy levels are also at their lowest. At this time, our hearts often feel particularly difficult, and we may want to find something to vent about, just as the original poster mentioned that they feel very blocked inside.

Our physical pain can temporarily relieve some of our mental pain. However, it is not a form of self-punishment. We must recognize that we have not done our best and take steps to address this.

Express your emotions in a reasonable way.

For example, express your thoughts and feelings through writing. Often, through writing, you can express your emotions and listen to them at the same time. When you express your emotions and listen to them in a reasonable way, they will be relieved, and you will feel relieved.

Our hearts may not feel as bad, so we absolutely do not have to "self-harm" at this time.

There are many other reasonable ways to express emotions. For example, you can use breathing techniques, etc.

3. Connect with your body.

It's a fact that our bodies show signs when our emotions arise. For example, when I'm anxious, my heart rate quickens and my heart feels uncomfortable.

I focus my attention on my heart and spend time with my emotions, which relieves my anxiety.

The original poster can learn to recognize when they feel blocked, notice their body, identify which part is uncomfortable, and then focus their attention back there and stay with their emotions for a while. This is how we connect with our body.

This method works because we draw our attention back to the present.

Focusing on our body has brought us attention. Even when our emotions are still there, we are not carried away by them.

Our bodies are wise. Read Wu Zhihong's book, The Body Knows the Answer, if you're interested.

4. You must allow yourself to lose control and make mistakes.

The host has very high expectations of himself, and when he fails to meet them, he feels guilty and hurts himself. This high level of expectation of ourselves can help us grow and strive for perfection.

But if we are too harsh on ourselves, it will have consequences.

Self-attack guilt will cause us to have a lot of mental wear and tear, use up our energy, and leave us with no energy left to improve ourselves. There's a saying I like a lot: self-cruelty is often the last straw that breaks us.

In contrast, when we care for ourselves gently, we gain the strength to go further.

So, at this time, we must allow ourselves to lose control to a certain extent. Making mistakes is part of being human, and it will make us feel better. We are not God, and we must remember that.

We will have our own limitations, but we can also step back and look at the objective reasons from the outside, rather than just looking for our own reasons.

I am confident that these will be of some help and inspiration to you. If you have any questions, click to find a coach and we can communicate one-on-one to work together to overcome your problems.

Hello, host! You seem kind and motivated, but things aren't going as you'd like. The more you try, the worse you do, and you want to punish yourself by self-harm. Is that right?

Learning and work are similar because the communication-is-hindered-7151.html" target="_blank">workplace wants your ability to work and only looks at the results. Learning is similar because people only look at the final exam results and few care about the process!

You say you didn't consider others' feelings and asked for forgiveness. Does asking for forgiveness solve the problem? Or does it reduce guilt?

Your feelings and emotions are different from the quality of your work.

Second, people try hard to do well, but make mistakes. When you make a mistake at work, do you try to fix it or ask for forgiveness?

Do you think proving yourself is more important? It gets you respect!

Begging for forgiveness only brings contempt. Do you agree?

Accepting reality is the first step to having power. You want to be accepted by others, to have someone see you and speak up for you, to have someone stand by your side.

Anger, start over, get punched in the face by reality, get angry again, start over again, get punched in the face again... Accepting reality lets us focus on loving ourselves.

?

Recognize your shortcomings and improve yourself. Communication is key at work. I recommend two books: "The Art of Conversation" and "38 Letters from Rockefeller to His Son."

The internet has videos about speaking with high emotional intelligence. When you improve yourself, others will respect you. I believe these books will change you!

Good work!