33-year-old woman, first-tier city, married for 8 years, should we get a divorce?

Dear Landlord, I hope my answer proves useful to you.

After reviewing your account, I am particularly concerned for your well-being. I hope you can find some solace and assistance. From your description, it appears that your husband is unable to provide the support and nourishment you need in your marriage. It seems to be a one-sided dynamic. You mentioned that you did not immediately divorce due to considerations for your children and financial obligations. However, you also stated that you are able to pay the mortgage on the small house. Could you please elaborate on the reasons why you are unable to divorce at this time?

Please clarify whether you still have feelings for him and whether you believe the child can do without a father's love.

Are you concerned about how your actions might be perceived by others?

It is essential to be fully aware of all the facts and to make your own decision.

The issue of infidelity.

If you wish to remain together, it is essential to be clear about your expectations regarding the infidelity, monitor his behaviour, and then decide on the consequences he should face. If you cannot be clear about the consequences of infidelity, he will likely take risks.

In response to the other party's breach of contract, it is necessary to implement retaliatory measures that are commensurate with the infraction. It is important to note that this does not entail engaging in unethical practices that could potentially lead to the dissolution of the business relationship.

The price here refers more to the natural consequences that the other party needs to bear, that is, the consequences that you have previously specified. For example, you can clearly restrict the other party's freedom of movement, impose certain restrictions on property, even directly control the other party's daily expenses, and maintain the right to check the other party's phone at any time.

In the event that a spouse cannot be trusted and there is suspicion of infidelity, clear rules must be established. These may include a request for the spouse to review their WeChat contacts with the other party, remove any questionable relationships, and seek permission before adding new contacts of the opposite sex in the future. Failure to comply with these conditions may be considered grounds for termination of the relationship.

Furthermore, you reserve the right to inspect his phone at any time. If he attempts to conceal any information, it will be considered grounds for immediate termination.

It is essential to be firm about the consequences of further betrayal. In the event of another infidelity, the individual in question will lose all privileges and benefits, and the terms must be clearly outlined in advance.

The rationale behind the imposition of strict restrictions and penalties is to eradicate any sense of opportunism. However, if you wish to pursue a constructive path forward, it is essential to identify the underlying cause of the infidelity with the assistance of a qualified family and marriage counselor. This will enable a comprehensive and effective resolution.

For example, the reason for the infidelity may be due to factors such as influence from the family of origin or communication issues in the relationship. Identifying these underlying causes allows for targeted adjustments, such as modifying communication patterns and gradually repairing the emotional and trusting relationship through sincere disclosure and tolerance.

If you are experiencing infidelity in your relationship, you have the option to end the marriage. If you feel that the damage is irreparable and trust is unattainable, choosing to end the marriage may be the wisest decision.

2. Regarding the issue of physical abuse.

This should be regarded as domestic violence. However, you took the appropriate action by contacting the police for assistance. Nevertheless, this is not a long-term solution.

I believe you chose to continue mainly for the sake of your child. However, I feel it is important to consider the following.

If we are unable to effectively address domestic violence, it could potentially have a detrimental impact on the child.

Indeed, for a single mother who is self-sufficient and affectionate, the damage to a child is significantly less than that of growing up in a violent household.

In the event of domestic violence, it is essential to take prompt and effective action to safeguard your well-being.

One option is to request assistance from individuals in your immediate circle, such as family members and close friends. This is particularly relevant in situations where your personal safety is at stake. It is crucial to avoid the perception that family issues should be kept private. It is essential to communicate your situation to those who genuinely care about you, as they can provide invaluable psychological support, enhancing your resilience and strength in the face of domestic violence and preventing it from escalating further.

The second option is to continue seeking assistance from the police. Evidence can be documented through photographic or audio means, and an injury assessment can be conducted.

You may also wish to seek assistance from women's federations, neighborhood committees, and other relevant institutions. It is worth noting that the Anti-Domestic Violence Law has now been formally implemented. While there may still be room for improvement in terms of protection, this is nevertheless a positive step forward.

You may also contact the Women's Rights Public Service Hotline at 12338.

Third, we must address the issue of domestic violence in a fundamental manner. It is recommended that you seek professional assistance if possible, as this is the only way to assess the causes and risks of domestic violence, analyze strategies to solve the problem, respond rationally, and solve the problem of domestic violence at its source.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. It is important to understand your needs and determine whether they can be met by your partner. If so, you may wish to consider how to resolve the two major issues and repair your relationship, which will require a significant investment of time and effort. Alternatively, if your needs can be met through other means, you may want to focus on addressing them through alternative methods, such as financial issues or raising your daughter alone.

We provide advice, but the final decision rests with you. While making a choice may not be difficult, the consequences of that choice will require us to bear them. However, because we must accept these consequences, we must make our own choices. Ask yourself which outcome of the choice you are more willing to bear. That will be the answer you want more.

Please refer to the above for further information. Best regards,

Dear Question Asker,

Life presents many challenges. Please accept my warmest regards.

We will now address your concerns.

When your child was one year old, you were required to relocate to your mother-in-law's residence in your hometown to facilitate child care. This resulted in a year-long separation from your daughter, a challenging period for you both. When you were pregnant for the second time, you discovered your husband's infidelity. This led to a miscarriage due to the emotional and physical exhaustion resulting from frequent disagreements between the two families. Six months later, he assaulted you for minor reasons.

These circumstances have led to doubts about the viability of your marriage and family. Should you pursue a divorce?

Let us consider the potential outcomes of a divorce.

First and foremost, it is important to recognize that you will no longer have the benefit of a complete family unit.

You may wish to consider bringing your daughter with you, which will require you to identify ways to compensate for the impact of the lack of paternal love on your daughter. The article did not mention your husband's relationship with your daughter, so it is unclear whether it is harmonious.

It would be advisable to discuss with your husband how to minimise the impact on your daughter. This process will require a significant input of time and energy on your part to make the necessary arrangements and negotiations.

Secondly, a division of assets should be agreed upon.

However, you have indicated that you are in a stable employment situation and that your parents provide you with substantial financial support. Fortunately, if you do proceed with a divorce, it is likely that this will have a relatively limited impact on your life and finances.

Thirdly, what changes will you implement in your own life?

I am unaware of your personal attributes, including whether you are independent or dependent, and whether you are prepared to address the impact that the "failure" of your first marriage has had on your future life, love, or other aspects of your life.

Let us examine the potential consequences of not divorcing.

There are some concerns that I believe may be difficult to address.

The pain of being separated from your mother has left a mark on your heart.

The issue of your husband's domestic violence may extend beyond a mere shadow. I concur with the assertion that "domestic violence is either a one-time thing or it is countless times." It is plausible that you may live in fear of not knowing when you will be subjected to domestic violence.

Furthermore, there is the issue of infidelity, the physical and mental exhaustion caused by it, and the pain and physical harm caused by the miscarriage. It would be beneficial to ascertain why your husband was unfaithful to you. Additionally, it would be helpful to understand if he has any dissatisfaction with the marriage and family.

If you wish to continue residing with your husband, it is essential that you collaborate to address these issues in a constructive manner, one by one, to ensure a smooth continuation of your life together.

The experience of significant distress will impair your ability to experience positive affect.

Life presents challenges, but we can choose a path with a more favorable outlook to recognize the value in the obstacles we face.

I am eagerly awaiting a resolution to the current situation.

In addition, I am available to assist you with any inquiries you may have regarding the above.

I am an answerer who works diligently with you to find solutions.

I extend my warmest regards to you and the world.

Hello, you're a responsible mother who's always making adjustments to your life to help your kids grow.

You chose to get married, and you also chose to get divorced. Before you make a decision, let's look at what affects family harmony.

1. Family rank

From the moment you say your vows and start your new life together, you'll be transitioning from a family of three with your parents to a family of two with your husband. In this new dynamic, you'll be the one running the show, while your husband will be the same — no longer the son of the original family, but the head of the new one.

It's important for a husband and wife to work together to make their family happy. If you both contribute to your family, it'll be happier and more blissful. In other words, if your parents are too involved in your lives and interfere with your decisions when you're living together, your family will face a lot of confrontation due to poor communication.

Once you start a family, you have to, whether you realize it or not, move away from the "symbiotic mode" with your parents. Otherwise, you'll lose control of your own life. Parents will also have all kinds of worries, and this kind of worry will make children dependent on them. If this continues, everyone will be very tired, and even some trivial matters will cause chaos. I wonder if there's a phenomenon of family dislocation in your family relationships!

2. Husband-wife relationship – a marriage between equals is more likely to be happy.

A good match isn't about matching economic and social status. It's about agreeing on values and having common ideals and goals.

Of course, achieving "unity" requires effective communication, which in turn is based on mutual respect. Respect means recognizing the other person as the head of the family and giving them the right to make decisions.

To achieve unity, each person needs to take responsibility. For example, the man of the house should take the initiative and be responsible for development and construction. The woman of the house should be accommodating, giving, supportive, bearing, and holding up. If one person is not in the right position, it's hard to imagine a happy family!

3. How the thinking patterns of the original family affect the values of the small family (think about whether infidelity and domestic violence are the result of the need for repair and healing in the original family; the way to break it: self-growth; because changing others is not the solution, growing yourself is the only way to gain strength!)

Finally, remember that everyone and everything around you is there to help you grow. Pain, worry, anxiety, and other emotions are signals that it is time for us to change. If you don't understand this, the same emotions will keep recurring. And leaving someone or something behind will not solve the fundamental problem.

I wish you the best! I hope you find out what a great person you really are!

Hello, I'm Heart's Refuge!

After eight years of marriage, with a young child, your husband cheated on you and became violent. It seems that this has made you lose confidence in marriage and trust in your husband. Now you seem to be trapped in a state of pain, anger, and confusion. But you can get out of this!

So, should you get a divorce? Would it be better for you and the children if you got a divorce?

The answers may require you to think and explore on your own, and I'm here to help you do just that!

You are the expert on your own problems, the master of your own life, and the choice and decision are in your hands!

Absolutely! Let's explore ways to find an answer together.

From what I can gather, the conflict began when the child was just one year old. Your mother-in-law was refusing to bring the child to your home, so you had no choice but to send the child to hers. This was the most painful year of your life, but it also marked the beginning of a new adventure!

Oh my goodness, the two families had a fight! What was the cause of the fight? How did the two sides see the issue differently?

What was your attitude? Did you support your respective parents, or did you have your own ideas?

"This was the most painful year of my life." What aspects of pain are included here?

"I got pregnant again less than half a year later." Was this pregnancy planned or was it an accident?

"I found out he was cheating on me when I was less than two months pregnant." How did you feel at the time?

I'd love to know how you responded!

"Because I was exhausted both physically and mentally, I had a miscarriage. The two families argue all the time."

In the text, there are several references to both families. The great news is that your parents both work and can provide you with strong support, both in terms of life and finance.

I'd love to know more about the relationship between your parents and your husband!

My husband's family is a single-parent family living with his mother. I'd love to know more about what his mother does!

I'd love to know if she can provide financial support!

His mother came over to take care of the child for a year, saying that the child could be taken care of, but she asked that the child be sent over. What a wonderful opportunity for your family! What was the reason?

I'd love to hear more about how you, your parents, and your husband interacted while your mother was here taking care of the child. How did you all get along?

Oh, did anything happen in the meantime?

"Six months later, he hit me over a trivial matter. After you called the police, he calmed down."

Oh, trivial matters! What exactly happened?

You did it! You called the police and knew how to protect yourself through proper channels. That's great and admirable!

Has he changed his behavior? I'm so excited to hear how you feel and what you do when he changes his behavior!

"We have two houses! I pay the mortgage on the smaller one, and he pays the mortgage on the larger one." Who paid the down payment on the house?

Who was it? You or your parents? And when did it happen? Before or after the wedding?

"We had a fight recently, he hit me again, I called the police again, and he lied to the police." Oh my goodness! What a wild ride!

Oh my goodness, what was the argument about? And how did you feel?

Guess what! He lied to the police. How did he do it? And how did you react?

After eight years of marriage, how has the way you and your husband get along changed? I'm so excited to hear how it's evolved!

After having children? Now?

I think you have feelings for each other, right? When conflicts arise, have you ever tried to communicate with an open heart and an open mind? It would be so great if you did!

For now, let go of any anger, grievances, or dissatisfaction you may have in your hearts. Be honest with each other, listen patiently to each other's true thoughts and feelings, and sincerely express your love, respect, understanding, and expectations for each other.

You should definitely try to clarify the boundaries between your parents' home and your own!

The answer to this question is to ask yourself what you really care about and what you really want. And you can do so much to achieve this!

Or have I thought it through and am I willing to act on it?

And the best part is, you get to decide what that looks like! You get to follow your own heart and take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

I really hope my answer helps you! Either way, I'll always be here for you and wish you the best!

Hello, host!

Share a warm hug! Don't leave your choices to other people.

Psychology helps us make choices.

The host stated, "The current state of life is overall okay."

I have a stable job, my daughter will start primary school next year, and my parents give me strong support financially and in other ways. My husband comes from a single-parent family and lives with his mother.

We got married after two years of knowing each other, and I took maternity leave at my parents' house for eight months. When I returned from maternity leave, his mother came to help with the baby.

When the child was one year old, his mother went back to her hometown for the New Year. After the New Year, she suddenly announced that she no longer wanted to raise the child and sent the child back to her hometown to be raised by her. The two families had a fight over this.

"

You can feel the superiority from the bone marrow. Marriage is generally between two people of equal strength. And your parents have contributed more to your little family, while his mother has contributed less. You will call your mother-in-law "his mother" instead of "my mother-in-law," because the sense of distance has begun.

Secondly, I discovered that he had been unfaithful to me less than two months after I found out I was pregnant. The object of his infidelity was a married female colleague. Perhaps both parties were merely engaging in casual sexual encounters? After I found out, he simply stated that it was nothing.

I had a miscarriage because I was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

He cheated. Of course it's his fault.

Is it 100% his fault? You have some responsibility too.

For example, the sense of distance from your mother-in-law. This relationship must also be based on respect for the mother-in-law, despite the battle between the bride and the mother-in-law.

In short, the superficial things still need to be done. It's not false, and it promotes interpersonal relationships.

The third thing is that we have two houses. I pay the mortgage on the smaller one, and he pays the mortgage on the larger one.

He hit me again during an argument, so I called the police. He lied to the police. This is domestic violence.

Domestic violence is wrong.

I recently read a saying that goes, "When you feel cheated by the world, it is likely that there is something wrong with your perception. Your perception focuses on one thing: he is bad, his mother doesn't care about the children, he cheats, he beats me."

He is bad. You see only his badness, and it is difficult to heal the relationship.

No relationship in the world is perfect. That's a fact. A good relationship requires joint efforts from both parties.

Look at what your final choice is. Go to the other side of the event to look at the problem. Absorb it. Grow from it.

The world and I love you!

Hugging this friend, I totally get how you feel.

From what I can gather from the narrative, it seems that your marriage was already on shaky ground after the second pregnancy.

It seems like there's a lot going on in this marriage. The cheating that was discovered without any sense of guilt, the abortion, the arguments between the two families, and finally the domestic violence all seem to show that there are constant cracks in the relationship.

I also heard from others that your partner has been working away from home for several years and only comes home on weekends.

Since you don't spend much time together, there'll be fewer arguments, which shows that your relationship isn't quite there yet. You still argue when you meet, rather than making the most of the time you spend together as a family.

The story doesn't mention whether he's been acting right while your partner's been away at work or if he's still cheating on you. Maybe you haven't noticed, maybe he really has been acting right, or maybe you've just stopped paying attention to what he's doing outside.

Recently, they've been arguing over minor issues, which has led to domestic violence. As the saying goes, "domestic violence can happen zero times or countless times." He doesn't feel any remorse for his past infidelity, and even his mother-in-law has been indifferent. It's clear that your constant efforts and tolerance have only resulted in their worsening behavior.

As family education shows, the best education for children is when "Dad loves mom, mom loves dad, and both parents love the child together."

Even though the child doesn't know his father well because they don't spend much time together, if you and he have a great relationship, the child will still look forward to seeing his dad and will be very attached to him.

But if he fights with you as soon as he gets home, or even hits you, it's not hard to imagine what kind of image such a father will have in the child's mind. A man who will hurt his mother as soon as he gets home is hardly the kind of person the child will want to be close to.

The first paragraph of the article asks, "You have a stable job, your child is about to start elementary school, and your parents can support you financially and emotionally." I'm guessing that when you wrote these positive factors, you already had an idea of whether you should divorce.

First, ask yourself if you still want to continue this marriage. If not, what are your plans for life after divorce and child custody?

If you do decide to stay together, are you happy to just carry on as you are? If you do decide to stay married, what changes could you make to make it better?

And how does your partner see the marriage going? Where do you both see it going in the future?

What can he do to keep the marriage strong and make it better?

It's a good idea to take a stand, make up your mind, and have a good talk with your partner. After all, getting married is not a one-person job, and neither is getting divorced.

I'm optimistic about your future, and I hope you'll find a better way of thinking soon.

Hello. I can sense the challenges you've been facing from your words. It seems your life has been quite difficult recently, with the weight of your experiences and the ongoing concern for your child. You appear to be hoping that by persevering through these difficulties, your child will have a more positive upbringing.

I truly hope that I can provide you with additional care and support to help ease some of your sadness and anxiety.

[Regarding your confusion]

Firstly, I would like to address the issue of the child's development.

When we are faced with major events in life, it can be challenging to make choices because the future is often unknown and every choice may have advantages and disadvantages.

It is important to recognize that no family is perfect and that no family is without challenges. While a complete family may not guarantee a child's healthy growth, there are many other factors that can influence this. For instance, a poor relationship between the husband and wife, a lack of consensus on how to educate the child, and limited participation in the child's growth can all potentially impact the child's healthy development.

It is worth noting that there are many healthy children who grow up in single-parent families. While financial conditions can play a role, they are not the sole determining factor in a child's healthy growth. A child's development also depends on the patience, love, and wisdom of the parents, as well as their own unique circumstances and experiences, including their personality and the people and situations they encounter.

Secondly, there is the issue of your husband's infidelity.

The issue of infidelity can have a significant impact on a couple's relationship. In your case, it resulted in a miscarriage, which must have been a very difficult experience. It's understandable if you feel sad and helpless in such a situation. It's important to take the time to heal from this hurt.

It is important to address and resolve trauma in a timely manner. Prolonged suppression can result in the pain being buried in the heart, which may then manifest in the mind as discomfort or conflicts. These can further exacerbate the harm caused to both parties. From what you have shared about the disagreements and instances of violence in your marriage, it seems that the hurt has been affecting you and your husband for some time.

Could I ask you to consider why your husband may have been tempted to cheat? Do you think there might have been other factors involved, such as a desire for excitement?

Could you tell me a little more about him and your relationship?

Have you experienced an emotional crisis in the past? Does he have a pattern of infidelity, or does he seek comfort and support for a while?

It would be helpful to identify the problem in order to make an informed judgment and a choice.

Thirdly, we must consider the issue of domestic violence.

I imagine you must have been filled with anxiety and fear after experiencing domestic violence. You chose to report the incident to the police within a short period of time, which shows that you were in pain and needed protection. You hoped that this experience would not happen again. However, reporting the incident to the police did not solve the problem, and you were hurt again. I can understand why you would feel disappointed and afraid.

It seems that your husband may have lied to the police because he was reluctant to admit his mistake. Have you considered trying to understand his perspective?

You mentioned that your husband grew up in a single-parent family. Do you think that might have had an impact on him? It seems that he would hurt you because your relationship was in trouble and you did not repair the relationship well, and you both lost control of your emotions and hurt each other. Is it possible that his personality might also be a factor?

Have you considered ways to more effectively address the issue of domestic violence?

Fourthly, the question of whether to divorce is one that you may wish to consider.

It seems that your expectations for your marriage and husband are gradually declining, and you are starting to doubt whether divorce is the right path forward. From what you have shared, it appears that your primary concerns are the well-being of your children and financial matters.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider who might be the best choice for custody of the children. It might also be beneficial to reflect on whether you still have feelings for each other.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you still want to repair your marriage. After all, marriage is not a one-person affair; it requires the joint efforts of both parties.

Given the fact that you have children, it would be advisable to think calmly.

[In light of these challenges, let's explore potential solutions.]

1. Consider taking some time to focus on your own healing.

It might be helpful to consider seeking professional counseling to assist you in understanding your own needs, your pain, and the problems in your marriage, as well as how to address them. If you can find a way to calm down, you may find that you are able to understand yourself better and may be more open to understanding your husband.

2. Consider ways to support your husband in healing.

He did cheat and was violent, and it is true that he is to blame for causing you so much pain and fear. However, it would be helpful to understand more about his behaviour. What was he like before?

It would be helpful to understand what kind of pain he was experiencing and why he lost control and hit you. If you want to give him another chance, it would be beneficial to try to understand what makes him act this way and whether it is possible to change. Could it be that he doesn't know how to deal with his own pain, which might be why he acted this way?

You might find it helpful to seek the advice of a psychologist.

3. Attempt to help each other heal any wounds that may have been caused.

If you still want to continue living together, it would be beneficial for both of you to work on resolving your inner pain, improving your understanding of each other, repairing your relationship, and improving your communication. Marriage can be challenging, and it's important for both partners to learn and grow. You might consider seeking the guidance of a psychologist, but it's also essential for you both to take the initiative to learn and constantly adjust yourselves.

4. The choice between divorce and remaining married.

This is a matter that requires thoughtful consideration and careful decision-making. It is important to have a clear understanding of your goals and to determine which is more important.

If I choose this, will I have to give up that? It's difficult to say what the best choice is, because you don't know what the future holds.

As we have already discussed, a child's growth requires not only a stable family and a good financial environment, but also a relatively healthy parent's mentality and constant support, as well as emotional support that gives him strength and reduces the harm done to him.

It is important to remember that, no matter which choice is made, difficulties will inevitably be encountered, along with gains and losses. When obstacles arise, it is natural for people to consider whether a different path might be better. Therefore, it is beneficial to develop one's judgment and decision-making abilities through experience, as this can lead to a more fulfilling life.

I hope that my answer can offer you some support, comfort, and guidance. May you take care of yourself and find the strength to reflect on the direction of your life?