35-year-old, unable to get along with my mother, her critical love hurts me, I am conflicted

Hello, question asker! I'm thrilled to answer your question. I can relate to your situation, and I'm here to help. Your parents have their reasons, and it's clear you're facing some challenges. But don't worry! You're not alone. Many people in modern society are navigating similar family dynamics.

There are two main reasons why parents might be critical of their children. The first is to establish their status in the family. Since they may have lacked a sense of security in their past lives and are generally not confident, they might need to belittle their children to confirm their leadership position in the family. As Mr. Toad said when he went to see a psychologist, they are always in the position of the parent who is right and the child who is wrong. They may find it challenging to objectively see their children grow up and like to deal with problems arbitrarily, which can sometimes hurt their children's self-esteem. They may believe that no matter how hard they try, they cannot meet their parents' expectations.

Second, they establish contact with their children by blaming or denigrating them, so that they are not overwhelmed by the enormous fear they feel inside. I use verbal attacks to prove my sense of existence. Seeing such parents is both sad and pitiful. First of all, they are victims. They have a habit of imposing this pattern of victimization on their children, creating a vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over again. As children, we are unable to stop the implementation of some of these behaviors.

I highly recommend that you choose a family therapy professional to conduct professional family therapy interventions for you and your mother. Through professional intervention by a third party, you will become aware of your own behavior, which will also reduce and alleviate the frequency and intensity of the harm you cause. I am happy to have an appointment. 1983. The world and I love you!

Greetings! I extend a warm embrace from a distance to you first.

A sense of grievance, helplessness, and powerlessness may be experienced when a mother is perceived as lacking understanding, acceptance, or support.

Your mother's words and actions caused you to feel a profound sense of disrespect, misunderstanding, rejection, lack of support, and lack of love. However, you lacked the courage to express your true feelings and desires in a forthright and honest manner.

It is evident that your decision to conceal your genuine sentiments and necessities is influenced by a degree of identification and internalization of your mother's words and actions. You perceive the task of raising you alone to be arduous, and this perception may have shaped your decision to hide your true feelings. It is crucial to acknowledge the challenges your mother faces in raising you and to provide her with more understanding.

Indeed, as you have observed, you have become remarkably understanding and considerate of your mother due to her marital status. Additionally, you have consistently striven to be the most satisfactory child in your mother's eyes. Nevertheless, regardless of your efforts, you will never be satisfactory to your mother.

This results in a profound sense of injustice and exasperation.

Indeed, when one possesses a clear awareness of the manner in which one's mother treats them and the original family in which they grew up, one can endeavor to provide oneself with the response that is owed through one's own efforts. This can be achieved by striving to re-raise oneself as an ideal good parent. It is of particular importance to learn to respect one's true physical and mental feelings. When one's mother's words and actions cause one to feel hurt, one should endeavor to express one's true feelings at that moment, as well as one's desire to be treated in a certain manner. However, one should refrain from commenting on her words and actions; rather, one should express one's true feelings.

Your sincerity will facilitate your mother's ability to perceive her own emotional feelings, as she will feel understood and accepted in you. Consequently, she will attempt to release her inner fear and anxiety, thereby allowing her to express her emotions.

I am Lily, the youngest member of the Q&A Museum. I extend my love and best wishes to you all.

Hello, question asker!

Reading your message, I can feel your desire to break free from the shackles of helplessness! I can also deeply appreciate the conflicting feelings you have towards your mother.

The relationship with our mother is arguably one of the most important and exciting themes in our lives!

In psychological research, it's incredible to see how much influence mothers have on us! From the moment we're born, so many of our behaviors and thoughts are shaped by our mothers.

These connections affect how we view the world!

Our parents treat us in ways that depend on their perceptions and the conclusions they drew from life when they were young.

If they didn't grow up in an environment of tolerance and love, they'll have a unique perspective on life. They'll be able to see the world in a critical eye, looking at themselves and those around them with a fresh perspective.

This is why it's so important to learn how to love your own children!

I truly believe that if you can look at your mother from this perspective, you will gain a deeper understanding of her actions!

How can we best support our aging mothers?

I'm thrilled to share with you the following communication methods, which I'm confident will be incredibly helpful for you!

First, before communicating, it's essential to know what you want the other person to know and understand. Second, maintaining a stable emotional state when communicating is key!

When communicating, we should definitely do the following:

1. Always tell the truth! Don't judge it!

2. It's so important to express your feelings and wishes, and to avoid complaining or accusing the other person!

3. Give the other person plenty of time to share their thoughts! While they're speaking, listen closely and be aware of your own feelings.

4. Now for the fun part! Give your feelings back to the other person, and always follow rules 1 and 2 in future communication!

This kind of communication is a great way to express your thoughts and feelings, and it's also a fantastic way to set a good example for your mother. You can show her how to properly express her true feelings and thoughts without hurting others!

Similarly, when the mother responds, pay attention not to be swept away by your own past emotions, but to be aware of how you feel when the mother responds. This is your chance to express this to her in a calm tone of voice! This way, she'll understand how her actions and words make you feel.

Finally, let go of your expectations of your mother. Believe that your understanding and love for yourself and your mother can change the way you see your mother. Opening up a heart-to-heart dialogue is the foundation of a harmonious relationship. I believe that with your efforts, your relationship with your mother will definitely improve!

I really hope this helps! It's my answer, and I'm so excited to share it with you.

I wish you all the very best!

June 4, 2022

Hugging you, being able to find this platform to share your problems and find answers is good. Give yourself a like! Here are a few things to think about:

Your mother has had a hard time raising you. She must have suffered a lot.

I don't do a better job than she would. This is a great understanding of your mother!

Your mother loves you but is also hurt by your independence. She must be proud of you. Mothers usually don't expect much from their daughters.

She doesn't understand her kids, is stuck in her ways, and hasn't accepted that you've grown up.

It's hard to make your mother reflect on herself or change her attitude. If you can't change her, you have to change yourself.

Your mother is old, and you live together. You are kind and caring.

But you still can't accept living with her. Pay attention to your feelings. If you don't want to live together, just separate. It will be more comfortable to see each other less.

You are an adult and can take care of yourself. Your mother is old but doesn't need your help.

Your mother can take care of herself.

Talk to your mom, and don't think your love is gone just because you're apart. Keep in touch and show her you care.

The world and I love you. Stay strong. I hope you're happy.