37-year-old woman with an autistic child, a father suffering from uremia, child-rearing in a bereaved manner, exhausted

Hello! I'm a heart coach, and I'm here to support you with warmth and sincerity as we listen to your stories together.

As a fellow woman, I can very much understand the hardship and feeling of being overwhelmed you describe: being besieged on all sides – an unreliable husband, a negative father, and crying babies. Family ties, love, and earning money to support your family can make you feel like shutting down. But don't! There are so many ways to turn this around.

There are always more than three solutions to every problem. Let's take a look!

Love yourself so you can love your family even more!

We often get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, forgetting to take the time to love ourselves. As you mentioned, you're a superhero! You're taking care of the elderly and children, running the household and business, and also dealing with the negative emotions brought on by your father and husband.

Love is also a kind of ability. We always hope to get what we need from our partners, and when our needs are not met, we get frustrated and attack and complain at each other. But there's so much more to it than that!

"Many people think that the purpose of marriage is to find the other half of their rationality, so that they can become a 'complete person,' and they want to use marriage as a way to deal with their own incompleteness and things that they cannot solve independently. However, in the end, they can only end up in discord." From the book "Become a Better You After a Breakup."

After half a lifetime, I have realized that I am my own greatest support. And it's been such an amazing journey! I've learned that loving yourself is the foundation of all love.

Once you realize you deserve a better life and that you are the most valuable person, you will be able to love your family and children better!

Facing marriage and living with your parents, it is inevitable that there will be many conflicts and disagreements. But don't fret! I'm here to help you navigate these challenges with some tips on effective communication.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions, express your views and feelings directly, and at the same time listen to the views and feelings of the other person. Men and women are born different, and life is an amazing journey that can be navigated with confidence and communication.

and build on a foundation of respect and trust to find a solution together!

Communication is so much more than just "control" or "manipulating" the other person with the intention of "I want to change." It's about agreeing on a point of view, keeping emotions flowing, and meeting the other person's needs within the scope of one's abilities.

? 2. What are the options for dealing with emotions?

The good news is that there are ways to transcend and overcome! Most people just vent or suppress, but there are actually ways to transcend and overcome.

Transcend: This is your chance to encounter difficulties, face them, acknowledge them, take responsibility, like them, solve them, let go of them, gain more growth, and enjoy them!

It's totally normal to feel emotions when you're facing difficulties. And you can absolutely transcend and overcome them! There's a treasure waiting to be discovered beneath every wound.

Take a look at your past and see how you deal with emotions! Do you vent or suppress them?

Or you can even transcend and transcend! It's up to you. No matter what it is, see it and admit it!

For example, if you have made more efforts in your relationship and marital status, and no longer have any expectations for the marriage, then it is all the more important to see your own "pattern" – whether you solve problems positively or avoid them. The age of 37 is also a very good stage in life!

Now for the fun part! Let's look at how to seek a breakthrough.

This is the darkest stage of your life, so use it as a gap period to your advantage!

Just like driving a car, you get to choose again before changing from one gear to another. This gives you a chance to enter a neutral period, where you can decide whether you want to go high, low, or stop.

The good news is that whether it's a breakdown or a breakthrough, the prerequisite is to break! And after breaking, there are two exciting options: to fall or to pass.

If you choose to drift with the waves after breaking, you're guaranteed a breakdown. But if you choose to continue moving forward after breaking and go through it, you'll definitely break through yourself!

When you enter a gap period, remember that this is your chance to make a fresh start! It's an opportunity to make your future breakthrough.

If you can seize this opportunity, you will know how to make a choice! Otherwise, you will just drift along and collapse.

How can we make a breakthrough during the gaps in our lives, rather than a breakdown? I'd love to hear your two best tips!

1. Look back: Your patterns are hidden in the past. Look at how you dealt with things being broken in the past, whether you broke down or broke through.

When we look back on our lives, whether actively or passively, we can see that there must have been a stage in your life when you deviated from the original track. If you let it drift with the current, you will definitely be in a state of decline, and your life will face collapse. But if you choose to break through, you can be sure that you will break through!

If you break away from your past habits and choose to rise up and break through, you'll undoubtedly experience a greater breakthrough in your life!

If something is repeated over and over again, it becomes a pattern. And you can choose to change your pattern! Your past choices have created a pattern that has influenced your destiny.

You can absolutely see your patterns in the past and make new choices! That is why it is so important to look at your past.

Take a look at your past and see how you handled it when faced with the disruption of some routine in your daily life.

2. You can choose to take the initiative and start with small things! Don't wait for a major disaster brought on by fate. Make new choices instead!

Life is full of possibilities! The sky may be unpredictable, but people's fortunes can change overnight. The past collapse may have been something you passively endured, but now, you can take a proactive approach!

You can start by taking small risks that you can afford to take to break the old rules! For example:

Take a look at how you've been living this time, how you've been spending each day, and whether you're repeating the same behaviors you've been doing for decades.

"Your present is your whole life." How you spend your life now will be how you spend your future. And you can change the present to change your future!

It's time to try something new! Start by changing some of your current lifestyle habits, for example:

1) Get up at a different time!

2) Try a different kind of food!

3) Try a new style of clothing!

4) Change your living environment!

5) It's time to start mingling with new people!

6) Change the way you do things!

7) Change your living habits!

Take the initiative to change, break away from your old lifestyle, and allow yourself to wait and see for a while. This will give you more energy to "observe" your old patterns and more room to make a choice. You've got this!

If you stay in one gear for too long, you'll miss out on the chance to make a choice in life! Instead of waiting around for sudden changes that might make you collapse, it's time to break some habits and make a change! Let a small area of your life enter a gap period, and then make a new choice! When you have the benefit of a small breakthrough, it'll give you more courage to make a breakthrough and give you choices!

This will allow you to make a HUGE breakthrough in your life!

I really hope the above is helpful to you, and to the world! And I love you! ?

If you want to keep the conversation going, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'd love to keep chatting with you one-on-one and see how we can grow together!

I extend a warm embrace from a distance.

These individuals are perceptive to the physical and mental fatigue, feelings of injustice and helplessness that are evident in your demeanor. They yearn for comprehension and assistance.

It would have been beneficial to share these challenges with your husband and address them collaboratively. However, it appears that the majority of the responsibility has fallen on your shoulders.

From your description, it is evident that you and your husband have not experienced significant marital discord. Therefore, it is crucial to identify the underlying causes of your perception of becoming a "widowed" parent. It is possible that your husband may exhibit a passive approach to domestic responsibilities and childcare, which could indicate a lack of effective engagement. It is essential to establish clear and timely communication with him, ensuring that your feelings are conveyed sincerely. This is crucial for fostering understanding and support, particularly given the challenges you face. While his actions may not align with your expectations, his willingness to share the burden is a testament to his understanding and commitment to supporting you.

However, your tendency to criticize and judge his behavior excessively has the unintended consequence of causing him to feel a profound sense of frustration, disrespect, rejection, and isolation. In an effort to avoid being blamed, criticized, and rejected for failing to meet your expectations, he often chooses to disengage from the family. This approach, while seemingly beneficial in highlighting areas for improvement, is ultimately a form of rejection and refusal that will further distance him.

It is important to note that men often require a greater degree of respect, support, and appreciation than women.

Given the circumstances, your husband is the only individual with the capacity and resources to provide you with support. He is the primary partner with whom you can collaborate in addressing the challenges posed by the family. Therefore, it is imperative that you prioritize securing his assistance.

Furthermore, it is imperative to cultivate self-care practices. As the responsibility for one's family increases, it is crucial to prioritize self-care to a greater extent. It is essential to recognize when one is experiencing fatigue and to adhere to one's physical and mental needs to ensure adequate rest. Additionally, seeking support from a trusted individual or engaging in expressive writing can be beneficial.

Therefore, in the context of familial challenges, it is essential to cultivate internal resilience through personal growth, including the development of positive lifestyle habits, a healthy emotional state, and effective emotional regulation. Concurrently, it is vital to seek robust external support, such as that provided by a spouse or close friends.

Additionally, it would be beneficial to consult with the community regarding elderly care for your father. It is imperative to obtain as much external support as possible, particularly emotional and emotional understanding and support from your husband.

My name is Lily, and I am a regular listener of the Q&A Pavilion. I have a profound appreciation for the world and for you, my fellow human beings.

Good day, host. I must admit that I was taken aback when I saw your title.

You have experienced a great deal of unfortunate circumstances. Please summarize your situation as you did in the title.

I would like to offer you a great deal of support and comfort in the form of a big hug.

Firstly, it might be helpful to take stock of the situation. Your father has been suffering from uremia for many years, and he is also emotionally anxious. He feels that he can't help and is also a burden to you, so he is also distracted.

Given the amount of work you do and the number of tasks you take on, it's understandable that your husband might not be able to help as much as you'd like. It's natural for a father to want to protect his daughter, but there are limits to what he can do.

The words he said in front of you may have been intended to remind you to let your husband shoulder his due family responsibilities. I wonder if I've understood correctly and if you agree with my analysis.

Secondly, I'd like to discuss the relationship between a husband and wife. I have to admit, you are really a very capable woman!

It is often said that behind every strong woman in a family relationship is an inactive husband. Given your evident capabilities, I empathize with you.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider involving your husband in family life. It's possible that initially, you were the primary caregiver, which may have led to your husband becoming accustomed to a less active role. It's understandable that he may have come to believe that you could manage everything effectively.

Could I ask you to clarify whether that is really the case?

It is often the case that couples who are intimate with one another and have a strong couple relationship are able to navigate other relationships more successfully.

It is often the case that in marital breakdowns, not all families have problems because of major events. In fact, it is more likely that most people often have problems because of minor things. It may therefore be helpful to pay attention to the seemingly trivial things.

And men are nurtured!

If I may make one more suggestion, it would be to consider making some changes to yourself. If I were to ask you to name 20 good things about your husband, how many could you name?

It might be helpful to consider changing the way you and your husband interact. Perhaps you could find an appropriate time to talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you need.

It might be helpful to remember that men are naturally protective. The internet is a great resource for learning more about how couples get along. There are videos, books, and online courses that you might find useful.

I would like to kindly ask you if you would be willing to give it a try.

Hello!

The original poster.

I'm Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I've read your post and I can tell you're exhausted.

You also sought help on the platform, which gave you an outlet for your emotions and a wider perspective.

Next, I'll share my thoughts from the post, which may help you see things differently.

1. Give yourself space.

After reading the post, I think it's not easy for you. You've carried a lot and I don't know how you've managed. It also makes me see your resilience and strength.

Many people can't do this. One person will always get tired.

We can help ourselves.

The original poster may want to find a way to release and express his emotions. These emotions and stress can only be relieved if they are expressed.

The landlord should give himself a space to relax and express his emotions. This can be done by writing them down.

Take some time alone, even if it's just a few minutes.

The host can do it however they want. I'm sharing this way of writing because it helps us express and listen to our emotions.

It's better to express and listen to emotions. You probably felt relief after writing about your fatigue and distress.

2. Be kind to yourself.

The original poster has noticed that when they suppress emotions, they sometimes lose control. I understand their feelings. Anyone in their situation would have similar feelings.

When we lose control of our emotions, we have to accept ourselves.

If you don't forgive yourself, you're being too hard on yourself. You're doing your best to live a good life.

Be kind to yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.

Take care of yourself.

3. Know your limits.

The host has to deal with a lot of negative emotions from her husband, son, and herself. She has to recognize her own limitations.

The host said she is evasive with her father, helpless with her husband, and patient with her children.

This has been done well. We are limited by our human nature.

We have to learn to let go of things we can't handle.

It's harder when you're under pressure. Learn to accept failure.

4. Ask for help.

You can find a counselor to help you with your son.

I hope these words help and inspire you.

Hello, question asker.

Thank you for your invitation. I'll give you a warm hug to comfort you.

And yet, you are helpless!

Your post is full of hardships and helplessness. But it also describes the inspiring story of a capable and strong woman in the flesh.

You are an inspiration!

I can't help you because I don't know what you need.

But the reality is that you have successfully managed your work, family, children, and fatherhood in a satisfactory manner.

I would say that compared to your peers, you have achieved the ultimate in this age group.

I am certain that any woman who falls into a family like yours would have probably collapsed and despaired long ago.

You did the right thing. You chose to be strong and face it head-on. That was the right decision.

I will help you analyze your marriage if I must.

The fact is, if he could, your husband would take on the role of the sole breadwinner and shoulder the responsibilities that are his!

Have you ever wondered:

Your man is more like a woman than a man, and you are not like a woman, but more like a "man."

You are playing the role of the family's main man!

Involves the limited nature of the data. My following speculations and assumptions are for reference only. If they are inappropriate,

Excuse me.

In a family, if the social function of men is weakened or even marginalized, it is generally the case.

This withdrawal is driven by...

This is not just an escape from responsibility. It is also an escape from the wife's accusations and complaints in the family, as well as an inability to resist.

Your father also looked down on your husband, which was an important reason why your husband chose to leave and stay away from the family.

Your family lived in this situation for a reason.

First, from a traditional psychoanalytic perspective:

You, your father, and your husband form an Oedipal triangle.

Your active help in treating your father's illness resulted in a lack of clear boundaries between you and your father.

This means that your husband cannot insert himself because he is subconsciously facing a formidable rival.

This "rival" controls his daughter through a serious illness, making it impossible for any man to get in.

Furthermore, your father prevented other men from taking away the "little cotton-padded jacket" by his side, forcing your husband to retreat.

Secondly, the younger son's autism is likely related to your overly close relationship with your own father.

It is likely that by focusing your attention on your father and neglecting your child during her pre-verbal period, you have lost her.

During the most critical period of language formation, the child lacks maternal love and may compensate for attachment through excessive "narcissism."

This leads to the formation of other symptoms, which result in a family system that is pathologically deformed and dysfunctional.

This symptom also took the mother away from the grandfather.

Third, you have multiple roles and are chronically overworked and exhausted. You also have excessive anxiety about life and a large amount of repressed negative emotions.

This will hurt the children, husband, and even the father through invisible attacks, causing the entire family to be in a state of anxiety.

This is a state.

Fourth, your father's serious illness has made him face his fear of death, and he's spending far too much money on household expenses.

This will seriously damage the man's self-esteem and form a sense of shame. The only way to reject this sense of shame is to be grumpy and lose your temper.

This kind of violent temper hurts the family, but it's the best way to keep you away from him and protect yourself.

And it comes right back to him.

You must untie the family knot and give each other a way out.

If you can, break away from your family of origin, keep your distance from your parents, and give your mother back to your father.

Bring your husband into the family and into the midst of the children.

If there is no boundary with the original family, the order is chaotic. This is why the husband dares not be a husband.

The wife cannot be a wife because she needs to be his daughter in the original family.

This is a difficult task, but you can do it with patience and the support of your family.

If possible, you must let yourself become a little woman and let your husband become a big man.

You must consider how to show your husband your weakness and how to give him the strength and courage to be a man through appreciation, encouragement, and support.

Give your husband the strength and courage to be a man.

Stop complaining and pointing fingers. Be patient and give your husband positive guidance.

This will naturally make you more willing to take on family responsibilities and assert your position and value in the family.

My advice is this: if you can, take care of the autistic child yourself and let the mother take care of the sick father.

The eldest son and father must work together to support the family and allow it to function according to normal system functions.

This will help to reduce your anxiety and despair.

I want to be clear that the above analysis and suggestions are for reference only.

I am counselor Yao. I will continue to support and pay attention to you. Let's do this together!

The message says you're a father who has to take care of a child with physical and mental problems, a child with autism, and a husband who is absent. You also have to manage a bakery business alone. It's hard to imagine that you've been silently shouldering all this pressure. I think only those who have truly experienced it can feel a little of the hardship.

The questioner is strong and stubborn. After her child was diagnosed, she took care of them while running a business. She didn't want to work with her unreliable husband, so she opened a bakery on her own. She's grateful her mother can help out a little.

It takes a lot of energy and endurance to achieve this, even if you have three heads and six arms. I hope the following sharing can support you in some way.

First, share the responsibilities.

I admire the questioner's ability and sense of responsibility. I feel sorry for them, trying to maintain all the balances in life on their own. Even Superman can't do this alone.

When a person reaches their limit, it's hard to bounce back. So offloading excessive responsibilities will help the questioner recover. Imagine if the questioner collapsed under pressure. Where would your parents and children go?

You can try to share the responsibilities with others while you can still handle it.

1. Original family

You have younger siblings too. Don't take on all the responsibility for supporting the elderly.

Sharing the cost of supporting them can also reduce your financial pressure.

This isn't about being selfish. You've always taken care of your parents. If you collapse, they'll be left alone and unhappy.

So, letting your younger siblings help you out also makes it easier for the elderly. They are more likely to be honest and care about what they have done for others.

2. Getting along with your husband

A widowed parent often has a husband who shirks his responsibilities. When a husband is used to not taking action or responsibility, the children may be left in a pitiful situation with no one to take care of them.

Your mother can help, but she's old and can only do so much.

You should also share some of the responsibility for child-rearing with your husband. If he's not ready, start with a little and build up from there.

Your message shows you're worried about your marriage breaking down. This is worth thinking about.

Why do you stay in an unhappy relationship?

We can understand more about why we do what we do.

Take care of yourself. You need to be strong to take care of others.

It's hard to change your father's temperament and your husband's character. You've tried understanding and forgiveness, and you've tried strategies to improve your state.

These attempts will help you see how well these strategies work.

When you're feeling helpless, it's important to take time for yourself. This means letting go of things you can't control.

Take care of yourself and find strength.

I'm not probing human nature. I'm just a therapist who cares about people. I wish you well.

Hello, question asker!

I've read your question over and over again, and I can see that your current situation is really challenging. You have the elderly to support, the children to raise, and in the middle of it all, you are not given any peace. But you can do it! Hugs!

I'm 37, and I'm at the absolute best point in my life! I've got so much experience, and I'm loving every minute of it. Even though it's tough, you're totally able to handle whatever comes your way.

You're amazing! Just one of these things you mentioned would be enough for a weak person to ruin everything. I really admire your strength and perseverance, especially in the past 18 years and in the past four years of this life. You've been able to persevere until today and you're even able to open your own bakery in 21 years! Wow, you are really very capable. In the midst of all these difficulties, you were able to open up new horizons on your own. Anyway, in my eyes, you have truly become a strong woman. I must give you a big thumbs-up for this extraordinary ability!

While I'm praising your abilities, I also have a little niggle in my heart. In front of a strong woman like you, in your mind, how much ability does your husband need to show his manly temperament? Of course, don't be angry. I'm not excusing your husband, but I'm excited to hear more about your family situation!

I really think this could help you see the issue in a different way. I'd love for you to consider where your heart is uncomfortable, and I'll try to explain why.

This is what I think. You said at the beginning that you live with your parents and children. If there weren't all those problems, how happy it would be! Our parents gave us life, and we gave birth to our children. We are connected to them, and we are all happy to be together!

Have you ever thought about it? What about the father?

Dad is only in this family with his parents and children because of us! Compared to Dad, shouldn't we feel happier than Dad?

So I've been thinking: Dad might feel a bit constrained in front of our parents, especially when I read what you said:

My father has a lot to say about my husband's inaction and lack of responsibility, and he often gives him a piece of his mind in front of me.

In this situation, how would the father feel? I also understand that the elderly have their reasons for doing so, but I think it's better if it doesn't happen often.

Think about it! With a strong woman like you and two elderly parents, it's clear that he doesn't have much say in the family.

I have this suspicion: is my husband trying to take control of things? He probably doesn't have much say in the matter either. In that case, over time, he may become dispensable, and she may seem to be doing nothing. But what if he's not dispensable after all? What if he's the one who can make things happen?

You see, it's totally fine for us daughters to argue with our fathers. But it's a whole other story when it comes to the father of our children! He might be keeping his dissatisfaction with your parents and with you to himself. If he's like that, how can he get anything done?

On a more positive note, I have this feeling that if he wants to get involved and make decisions for the kids on certain things, you might have a different opinion. You have your parents to help you, and you are so capable! Over time, he may decide to stay out of it and let you take the lead.

I also noticed that you said you and he are partners who take the brunt of his anger. Your family runs a business, and I don't know the specific circumstances of this taking the brunt of his anger. Just from what you said, I think it's really not something an ordinary woman can do to separate from him in order to avoid taking the brunt of his anger. So I think you are really a daring and capable type! You are such a strong woman with drive, and I think your husband is really not a rookie. Here, I would also like to ask you, after more than a year now, who is stronger between you two, your separate business or your husband's business?

Oh, but don't get me wrong. My husband is stronger, and he should be! As you said, he is the single person in the marriage. Does he have more energy? I'm not trying to compare the two of you. I just have this thought. If your husband's business is okay, then let him be in charge of the business in the shop!

Let's not get too angry with him. Anyway, you say that when the two of you agree, you really don't have many opinions or values, which is great! Sometimes it's really hard to be so harmonious and unified, but you've got this! If he says that he helps very little at home, it's okay if he mainly runs a business in the store! Then you can spare more energy to deal with things in the family, which is going to be so much fun!

I know I've gone on and on, but I really want to encourage you to focus your energy on restoring your relationship with your husband. Is there a reason for the situation with your husband today? Is there a reason that we are too strong? If you can focus your energy on restoring your relationship with your husband and if the two of you can be more tolerant of each other, then you will form a unity. You see, originally, you were happiest between your child and your parents, and then you and your husband can become a unity, and you will be even happier. Your husband will also be happy. With your happy unity, you won't have to worry about dealing with your parents.

Your happiness and the future of your children are guaranteed when you're happy!

Finally, I really hope that when you have exhausted all your efforts and still feel that there is no hope of restoring your relationship with your husband, you can seek professional psychological counseling and seek their scientific help to restore your relationship with your husband first, so that you can feel happy and your family can feel happy!

I really, really hope that your family can be happy soon!

Come on, the world and I love you!

So in my opinion, no matter what you do, for example, look for the reasons in the past, think about your parents, think about your children, think about your problems! Wait, connect them all with your husband to see if you can find a breakthrough? Let the husband, who once was so in tune with you in love, come back to you. He is the father of your children and the person you are most likely to spend the rest of your life with.

I've suggested these ways to restore your relationship with your husband because I read in your feedback that your relationship with your husband was fine, but it broke down because of the involvement of your parents. This is very understandable. Now that you know this, we can minimize the influence of our parents! We can do this because we are our parents' daughters, right?