After my mother passed away, my father moved in with me, and he's almost driving me to depression?

Good day, host.

After carefully reviewing your description, I believe you are a resilient and dutiful child. It is challenging to cope with the sudden loss of your mother and the subsequent sense of loss, while also assuming the responsibility of caring for your father and providing him with emotional support.

Let's discuss the impression your father gives me.

He requires your undivided attention, demands that everything proceed according to his wishes, and exhibits a marked propensity for control and a sense of oppression.

I believe that when he was confronted with the sudden demise of a loved one, he was unable to cope with such a significant loss. He had a strong psychological reserve, but no outlet for its release, so he redirected it towards you.

The loss of a loved one has a significant impact on an individual, leading to feelings of grief, a sense of loss of control, and a deep sense of powerlessness. According to motivational psychology, autonomy (a sense of control) is one of the three core needs in life. In the context of this situation, the individual's desperate search for this sense of control naturally manifests as a strong desire for control and a sense of oppression.

When faced with an unbearable internal conflict, individuals often unconsciously activate psychological defense mechanisms. In this case, your father appears to have adopted a regression-based defense mechanism, which can manifest as childish behavior and reactions that are incongruent with his age. He has seemingly abandoned mature attitudes and adult behavior patterns, retreating into a childlike state. This has enabled him to circumvent adult responsibilities by relying on others and making unreasonable demands on you.

Furthermore, his unconscious tendency to treat you like a "departed mother" and demand that you indulge him in the familiar ways of the past is a form of defense mechanism [substitution/replacement].

It should be noted, however, that these two defense mechanisms belong to the category of neurotic defense mechanisms and both have certain limitations.

This is my personal interpretation of your father's behavior.

How should this issue be addressed?

Landlord, it is uncommon to observe the vulnerability and fear behind your father's facade. For the past two months, you have consistently taken care of him, at one point even assuming the role of a "mother."

You are perceptive and aware that these are issues your father is dealing with. I would like to offer two pieces of advice.

Firstly, do not allow traditional filial piety morals to hold you captive.

Many people believe that the key to filial piety is obedience, that we should comply with our parents' requests. I believe this is a misguided perspective. Frequently, it is not only ineffective in resolving issues, but also causes significant inconvenience.

While filial piety is often considered the foremost of all good deeds, I believe the key lies in the sentence that follows: "Whether deeds are performed in public or in private, if they are performed from the heart, there will be no son who is unfilial." The crucial aspect of filial piety is not the act itself, but the underlying intention and purpose. Is it genuinely for the benefit of one's parents, or is it driven by personal desires, or is it merely blind obedience?

Given the recent trauma experienced by my father, he has been unable to accept and address the situation. He is currently in a passive defensive state. As children, we should provide support and assistance to him, but we cannot accommodate and obey him in all matters and allow him to persist in this mode. Instead, we must encourage him to confront and accept reality. It is therefore necessary to maintain a certain distance and rejection between us.

Secondly, it is essential to prioritize self-care.

Regardless of the nature of the relationship, it is of the utmost importance to prioritize self-care. The adage "love yourself before you can love others" is a poignant reminder that when we are in a state of self-compassion, we are better equipped to extend care and affection to others.

If an individual lacks their own living space and is unable to satisfy their need for solitude, they may experience feelings of suffocation, depletion of vitality, and symptoms of depression and anxiety. This is particularly prevalent among mothers who have recently given birth, who often feel compelled to devote nearly all of their energy to their children, leaving little time for self-care and personal pursuits. The resulting pressure can lead to postpartum depression.

It can be reasonably argued that self-care is not a selfish act. Rather, it is a necessary step in enabling individuals to provide optimal care and support to others.

It is important to embrace self-acceptance as a key factor in maintaining vitality and happiness. One simple yet effective strategy is to incorporate an activity you enjoy into your daily routine, provided it brings you joy and a sense of well-being. This could be anything from flower arranging to yoga, tea tasting to singing, running to hiking, binge-watching dramas to playing games, or even shopping. The key is to find an activity that aligns with your interests and brings you happiness.

The aforementioned information is a portion of what I am able to offer. It is my hope that it will prove to be of assistance.

Hello!

Host:

Hi, I'm Zeng Chen, a heart coach. I've read your post and I can really feel how anxious you must be.

At the same time, it's so great to see that the host has been brave enough to express her own distress and actively seek help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help her to view herself and her father from a more objective perspective, and make appropriate adjustments.

I'd like to share some thoughts and observations from the post that might help you see things from a different angle.

1. It seems like Dad has become a little kid who needs care.

From the post, it seems like your mom sadly passed away. I'm so sorry! I can only imagine how you must have felt at that time.

On the other hand, it's clear that the host is deeply bonded with her father and wants to take care of him. She goes with him wherever he goes, and she's happy to cook for him and take care of him in any way he needs.

From what we can gather, it seems like Dad has become a bit of a "little child" who needs care.

I'm not sure if Dad has become this way because he was deeply affected by Mum's death or if he has always been the one being cared for. Either way, it's clear that he needs this kind of care.

I totally get it. Reading this, I can especially understand your annoyance and sense of oppression. We can't bear the weight of another person's life, and that's okay!

2. Do your best to take care of him in whatever way you can.

What does taking care of your father mean to you? I get the feeling that it doesn't feel forced or draining.

Focus your energy on yourself, my friend. I truly believe this will be good for your relationship.

I think the host has also realized that when we suppress a lot of emotions and lose control, it can lead to serious aggression.

It's so sad when it hurts each other. I really think that at this time, if we take care of ourselves and take care of Dad within our abilities, that may be the best choice.

I can see how the host might be worried that his father can't take care of himself. I totally get it! But I wonder if this is more about a lack of trust in our fathers than anything else.

I'm sure you trust him to take care of himself! When it comes to life, we just need to have more faith. When the time comes, we'll take care of ourselves, you know?

So, the host might want to start with small things and gradually put time and energy back into themselves. For example, they could gradually reduce the time spent with him.

Let's help Dad take little steps towards taking responsibility for his own affairs.

Let's give him more confidence, and we can also believe that Dad can face these things.

3. You can try to make some agreements with your father, if you think that would be helpful.

As we go through this change, dads often feel some pain. It's important that we are gentle but firm in insisting on what we want to do, because this is the way out for both of us. Although there will be pain, growth is inseparable from pain.

We can also have a chat with your dad to make sure he knows what's allowed and what's not.

It's so important to understand that how other people treat us is something we teach them ourselves. When we tolerate our father without boundaries or principles, we're actually teaching him that he can treat you like this.

So, it would be really helpful to have some kind of agreement in place. I know it might feel a bit unfair and against the idea of filial piety, but I totally get that as an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his own life and emotions.

We can't possibly bear the weight of another person's life.

As parents, we have a duty to support them, but when it comes to their emotions, we can only be a helping hand. At the end of the day, they're the ones who have to make the decisions.

4. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

There's a helpful term in psychology called the grief process. It's all about how we feel when something or someone we love is taken away from us. If we let ourselves feel this sadness, it means we've accepted the loss and are moving forward. It takes time for this sadness to flow, so a big loss causes a big sadness, and this sadness will flow out within a certain period of time. This is called the grief process.

So, if you can, try to let your father express his emotions. This is also what the grief meeting is for: to give people an opportunity to express their grief. If you can't let your father express and flow his emotions, then you can still try to seek professional help. Letting his emotions express and flow, completing this grief process, often allows people to come out of their grief.

I really hope these comments have been helpful and inspiring for you. If you have any questions, you can click to find a coach for one-on-one communication, companionship, and growth.

Greetings, question asker. I am the answerer, Enoch. Based on the question asker's description, it appears that the question asker's mother has passed away, leaving the question asker to care for his father, who is experiencing loneliness. However, the father's sense of dependence on the question asker is significant, which has led to the question asker feeling constrained and distressed.

Let us undertake an analysis of the underlying causes of this situation.

1. The father transferred his anxious attachment to his mother to his relationship with the questioner, while the questioner has an independent attachment and is unable to comprehend the father's perspective.

Psychological literature classifies attachment relationships between people into four categories: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and detached attachment. The father in this case may be characterized as having an anxious attachment style. He displays a tendency to be overly dependent on the company of his wife and daughter, and experiences feelings of extreme insecurity when they are not present. The questioner has not had a close, long-term relationship with her father, and has developed a relatively rational attitude towards her mother's death. Additionally, the questioner has worked hard in another city and still owns two properties, indicating a high level of independence and capability. These factors suggest that the questioner may belong to the detached attachment type in attachment relationships. Consequently, there is a lack of understanding between the questioner and her father regarding each other's psychological needs.

2. The loss of his wife has resulted in a profound sense of solitude and apprehension for the question asker's father, underscoring the need for companionship.

The questioner's father was already relatively dependent on others, and his personality was also relatively weak and timid. Consequently, following the death of his wife, he not only experienced profound loneliness but also a heightened sense of fear. He consequently transferred the emotions associated with seeking a sense of security to his relationship with his children, even employing the same mode of interaction with his wife to demand things from his children. This is evidently inappropriate, yet the questioner, driven by filial piety, is uncertain how to respond.

3. The father is not familiar with the environment in an unfamiliar city and is relatively less independent, thus he is more dependent on the questioner.

The questioner's father arrived in the questioner's city and was unfamiliar with the surrounding environment. He exhibited a lack of independence and a proclivity for dependency, which led to a greater reliance on the questioner in his daily life. Even when the questioner temporarily left the city for a night without his father, it resulted in a heightened sense of restriction.

4. The questioner is relatively independent and autonomous, and thus finds it challenging to comprehend his father's perspective.

The questioner and his father have disparate personalities and divergent lifestyles, rendering mutual comprehension elusive. The questioner is further perplexed by the necessity of honoring his father's wishes, a responsibility he feels constrained to fulfill.

The following suggestions are offered for the consideration of the questioner, with the hope that they may prove beneficial:

1. In the course of my interactions with my father, I have endeavored to facilitate his efforts to live independently.

A colleague of mine has a father who is 80 years old. The colleague is required to accompany his father only at night, and the father prepares breakfast for his son each morning. During the day, the colleague is able to work without interruption.

The questioner can initially familiarize her father with the surroundings, thereby enabling him to function independently to a certain extent. Subsequently, the questioner can reside with her father at night, which will not impact her professional obligations.

2. The question asker can allow the father to reside with the family for a period of time to alleviate his feelings of insecurity.

The questioner may allow his father and family to reside in the home for a period of time. Given that his father is still experiencing a significant internal trauma, even the absence of others at home provides a sense of security. When his father demonstrates greater adaptability, the questioner can then consider a more appropriate level of involvement.

My father and an aunt's husband both experienced a stroke, which resulted in a notable change in their personalities. They require daily monitoring and are unable to function without the presence of others during the night. This has led to a profound sense of insecurity.

It is my hope that the questioner will be able to navigate the complexities of her relationship with her father, reconcile her work and personal life, and do her utmost to achieve a satisfactory outcome.

Dear question asker,

After reading your account, I was reminded of my own grandmother. A few years ago, the year my grandfather passed away, my grandmother joined the ranks of the "empty-nesters." Since then, she has become very "clingy." In the past, when my grandfather was alive, she would call my mother once every few days, and then she would call my mother once a day, and sometimes even three times a day. It was all about trivial matters, such as the TV not working anymore, or the lock on the bedside table being broken. She would never call my mother about these things before. Whenever my mother went to her house, she would talk non-stop, and she would always say, "Don't go back, just spend the night here tonight." When my mother wanted to go back, she would be so lost and sad, and she would call my mother non-stop, whether there was anything going on or not. Sometimes, when my mother impatiently scolded her a little, she would lose her appetite and often experience nervous reactions such as dizziness, chest tightness, and panic.

It might be helpful to take her to the doctor, as she may have separation anxiety.

From a psychological perspective, it is observed that separation anxiety is most common in school-age children (especially those who have just started kindergarten). This is characterized by severe feelings of unease and anxiety when they are separated from their loved ones (usually parents). It is also worth noting that not only do children suffer from this kind of separation anxiety, but the proportion of elderly people suffering from separation anxiety is also increasing year by year.

It seems likely that the reasons are as follows, according to the survey.

1. As the elderly grow older, their physical condition tends to decline gradually. The loss of their spouse can also lead to a sense of being an "empty-nester," which can make them even more eager for the care and attention of their children. This is because they suddenly feel a great emptiness, having lost an important source of support.

2. Young people often face high work pressure, have their own lifestyles and habits, and may have less time to communicate with the elderly. When coupled with the death of their spouse, it is understandable that the elderly may feel neglected and lonely.

3. Many retired elderly people may experience a significant shift in their psychological well-being. In the past, they often held leadership roles in the workplace and were relied upon by their colleagues. After retirement, they may encounter a sense of inner transition, which could potentially lead to a greater reliance on their children.

It would be beneficial for the elderly to learn to take charge of their own lives at all times. In the event that their children are too busy to spend time with them, or if they have lost their spouse or become unemployed, they should be encouraged to adjust to these situations. As long as their health permits, they should continue to exercise, cultivate their interests and hobbies, play chess with their old friends in the neighborhood, listen to their favorite music, practice tai chi, and so on.

It would be beneficial for the elderly to consider establishing their own social network. For their children, it is important to be understanding and communicate with their parents in a timely manner to help them find their own lives.

It would be beneficial to spend as much time as possible with them, listening to their inner thoughts and feelings. When they encounter difficulties, it is important to listen to their opinions and ensure they feel needed. People often feel a sense of worthiness when they feel needed.

Additionally, the questioner's father has lived in the countryside for decades, and now he has suddenly come to the city. He has not yet had the opportunity to establish a social circle or companionship, and he is not currently in a position to engage in meaningful dialogue with others. Given these circumstances, it is understandable that he has chosen to rely on his son for support. However, if there is a lack of communication between the father and son, and if you feel uncertain about how to best assist your father in navigating this challenging period,

You may wish to consider taking your father to speak with a counselor.

I hope this finds you well. Please accept my best wishes.

Hello, I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

From what you wrote, it seems like your father has become overly dependent on you since your mother passed away.

It seems to be pushing you to the edge, making you feel really conflicted and desperate, right?

You seem like a very responsible and capable daughter. It's clear that you've been there for your father since his wife passed away.

You still choose to accept your father and take care of him. It's a rare love.

And you're a great daughter. But your father's excessive attachment to you has destroyed the space for you to live independently, and you don't know how to refuse.

This unwelcome intrusion from your father.

How old is your father? What's his physical condition?

I'd also like to know more about the social scene in the area.

What was the relationship like before? I'd like my father to choose to leave me and get rid of his excessive attachment to me.

You need to think about how to make sure your parent-child relationship doesn't suffer, or whether you should separate in a way that's still loving.

This means thinking about how to be respectful without being too submissive.

First, you need to empathize with the father's grief over the loss of his wife. He may be in the most grief-stricken stage, and this grief

This could cause traumatic stress syndrome and lead to regression. In this regressive mental state, seeking

And it's also understandable that he'd want to rely on you and form a bond.

So, how can we help him work through his sadness?

How can we help him work through his grief through short-term companionship and activities like memorial services for the mother?

Secondly, we need to think about how to get the father back into the social fold.

What are his friends into? What are their hobbies? Who are their relatives and acquaintances? How can we make use of these resources?

And help him get back into his usual routine and surroundings.

And again, it's about "weaning" him from his father through systematic desensitization.

If the father was previously overprotective of the mother, there's a good chance he'll develop an Oedipus complex.

Maybe his current over-attachment to you is just a way for him to cope with feeling helpless after losing his wife.

If you grew up similarly to your mother, it's likely that your father will project his longing for his wife onto you.

Of course, he'll also see you as his mother and fulfill his "Oedipus complex."

This means you'll need to be away from him for quite a while. You'll need to gradually reduce the time you spend with him.

For instance, you might start by going seven times a week, then after a month, you could go three times a week.

After about a month, we'll switch to once a week until he's ready to be independent.

Of course, before that, he'll need some help to build a circle of life and an environment that suits him, like attending the university for the elderly.

You might want to think about joining a senior interest class, for example.

You might also want to ask your family and friends to help your father.

If your friends have good connections or influential family members, you can leverage them.

You'll need to find ways to help your father move away from you.

Finally, you'll learn how to set boundaries, communicate your feelings, and

Let your father know that you're still a child, that you're vulnerable, and that you need care too.

The power can also help the father realize that his excessive attachment to you has seriously disrupted your independent life.

It can also affect your happiness and health.

The above analysis and suggestions are for reference only. I'm a counselor and I'm here to support and care for you!

Hello, question asker. I am honored to have this opportunity to provide some insight.

From the questioner's description, it seems that his father may have lost his mother and found it challenging to form a new relationship. This could explain why he treats the questioner as a close companion. It's understandable that the questioner feels a strong connection to his father and wants to be by his side. However, this dynamic may have significant implications for the questioner's life and work. It might be helpful to offer the questioner some physical and emotional support. A gentle pat on the shoulder or a reassuring word could provide much-needed strength and comfort.

From the questioner's description, it seems that after their mother left, their father became very dependent on them. From a preliminary psychological perspective, it's possible that their father may have codependent disorder. Codependent disorder is essentially a psychological behavioral disorder that affects the patient's ability to establish healthy and mutually beneficial relationships.

Could I ask whether the question asker feels suffocated or manipulated by his father's over-dependence on him?

Since the question was asked on a platform, I will briefly describe some methods for your consideration.

It would be helpful to determine whether there is a dependency syndrome.

It would be beneficial for the questioner to first carefully observe his father's dependent behavior. In order to identify whether his father's behavior is dependent, it may be helpful to at least understand his usual behavior.

In addition to understanding whether the behavior of the questioner's father is appropriate, it may also be helpful to gain insight into his psychological state and engage in conversation to get to know him better. Should the questioner require a more specific diagnosis, it might be beneficial to consult with a hospital psychologist or other relevant professionals.

I have also provided a list of symptoms that the questioner may wish to consider.

(1) A lack of self-esteem

(2) A tendency to try to please others

(3) A lack of clear boundaries

(4) It seems that the individual in question may be using care of family members as a means of control.

(5) Painful emotions

It might be challenging to change the questioner's role in this situation.

It seems that every instance of dependency has its root cause. Based on the description of the questioner, it appears that the questioner's father may have developed a dependency due to the passing of the questioner's mother.

People with codependency disorders may not recognize that they are manipulating the questioner. They often believe that they are acting in the best interests of their family and support them wholeheartedly. Their choices are often driven by a desire to benefit the questioner.

It might be helpful to understand that your father has a dependency syndrome and is not deliberately manipulating you. I'm not sure if you fully understand your father's behavior pattern, but it's important to recognize that it's not your job to tolerate his actions. Instead, it's about understanding his patterns so you can navigate them more effectively.

It would seem that the questioner's father is now suffering from a mental illness, which is affecting his thoughts and behavior patterns.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to maintain some distance from your father.

It is important to remember that with a dependent father, simply ignoring him is not an option. Instead, it is essential to try to understand him and to create some distance between you. One of the key challenges here is to distinguish between his controlling behaviour and to learn to identify which behaviours are normal.

When faced with a father who displays codependent behavior, it is important to learn to respond selectively and to ignore his controlling behavior.

For instance, if your father asks you what you would like to eat for dinner, it might be more beneficial to communicate with him in a way that considers both of your preferences.

However, if he buys groceries that you like and none that he likes, solely to ensure you eat more, this could be perceived as a controlling behavior that may indicate codependency.

It might be helpful to let your father know where your boundaries lie.

If you have a dependent father, you may wish to consider telling him where your boundaries lie. You could then enforce them firmly.

For instance, if you were to tell your father that you would like to go for a late run at 7 pm tonight, it would be important to stand your ground and enforce your new rule, regardless of how he might object or argue. When dealing with a dependent father, it can be helpful to start with some small boundaries and gradually increase them until a sense of boundary is established between you and your father.

It would be helpful to find the right way to say no to your father.

It may be helpful to communicate your feelings in a way that is non-violent and respectful, without blaming or criticizing others. In some cases, it may be beneficial to simply say no and create some distance from your father, at least temporarily.

How you decline depends on the situation. When things get difficult, you might consider gathering your courage and leaving.

When the questioner's father does not display dependent behavior, the questioner can communicate in a tactful manner. For example, "I'm sorry, that makes me feel uncomfortable," or "Yes, I know you have a different opinion; perhaps we can discuss it at another time."

In some cases, if you feel the need to quickly extricate yourself, you might consider saying "no" or "I can't do that." It's not necessary to explain yourself to anyone.

It is possible that the questioner's father may respond emotionally, but it is not necessary for you to cater to his emotions.

It would be wise to prepare for the long term.

It might take some time for your father to adjust to this new situation. It's important to be patient and to believe that he will eventually find a way to cope with this change.

If the questioner feels that things are moving too slowly and that they are losing patience, they might consider finding a companion for their father in his old age. At first, the questioner's father may be very angry or have some radical reactions.

It might be best to try to avoid responding. These reactions are often driven by fear, and it's important not to get involved or let it affect you.

I hope my answer provides some helpful insight for the questioner.

From what you've told me, I get the impression that you're a very filial child. But your desire to please your father has also caused you a lot of trouble, because he wants to be with you all the time.

I can relate to this pressure and anxiety because I was in the same situation once.

It must have been really tough for your father to lose his partner so suddenly. It's probably fair to say that his adjustment process wasn't as quick as ours as young people. And as you can see from the demands your parents make on you, your mother must have been very attentive in her psychological support and care in everyday life.

Given that you've left him on his own in an unfamiliar city, it's understandable that he's having a tough time adjusting.

But understanding isn't the same as solving life's problems. In your father's case, now that you've been with him for two months, the worst is over.

You can show him what it's like to live in your city. Take him to the market to buy groceries, and then teach him to take care of himself a little at a time so that he can feel like he has a purpose.

Just ignore the things he says like you're not listening. Then you can tell him about your difficulties.

I remember a sketch that seemed to say that taking care of your parents is like taking care of a child. You have to teach them and discipline them.

After all, your parents and your city life must be very different. Someone like your father, who is often taken care of, must feel a deep sense of loss and frustration.

He'll probably feel lonely and scared, so he'll probably want to get out and about. He might even worry that he'll have an accident because he'll be on his own and no one will know.

If you can, take him to places where older people go to have fun.

Let him do things that he can do well. Let him teach some friends who are in his age group.

Once he's got a handle on his new routine, he'll be able to lead his own life. You'll also be free to move on.

I hope this helps. Just remember, the world and I love you.

Dear questioner, Thank you for your question.

Your question touched me, and I want to discuss it with you.

1. I want to talk about my mother's sudden death.

My mother suddenly passed away from a pre-existing illness. After that, my father moved from his hometown to my city, where I have two apartments.

I know how hard it is for my father, and I know that men are actually more vulnerable. I have been with him 25 hours a day for the whole time, and I have been deeply bonded with my father for almost two months. I go wherever he goes, and I want to be with him.

I can feel that the relationship between the original poster and your father is very deep, and I know the sadness between you is slowly flowing out.

It is undeniably sad and painful that your mother suddenly left you and your father.

Hug you and the inner child who is experiencing the pain of loss. I will give you more warmth.

You must accept the loss and mourn it. It is a fact of life. And remember, love is always the most important thing.

You will experience pain as you accept the separation. However, when it is complete, love will reveal itself.

The death of your mother is not a departure; it is oblivion that is the real demise.

From what you've told me, it's clear that your mother is still alive in your hearts. The importance of your mother has also activated some pain in your father's heart.

2. I want to address the issue of the father's control.

I know my father is suffering, and I know men are vulnerable. I've been with him 24/7 for the past while, and I've become deeply bonded with my father in almost two months. I go wherever he goes and want to be wherever he wants to be.

I sensed that something was wrong. The Chinese concept of filial piety, xiao, means I must listen to him and not express any opinions. To express an opinion is to have a conflict, and to have a conflict is to be unfilial. I suggested we go back to the other house and stay for a day, but he disagreed.

Then there was another deadlock for more than ten days. I went back to live there for a day, and the next morning, he was the first to get up and go get me to come back here.

It's about love and separation. Dad is stuck on this topic.

You saw your father's loss of control, helplessness, and vulnerability, and you were also strictly disciplined by your father. I want to know why.

He is afraid of losing you again. He needs you at this moment. And there's more.

We need to get the answer to this part of the question from Dad himself. And then, looking back, we need to ask ourselves why we cooperated with Dad's strict control and suffered so much.

3. About the original poster: You have conflicts with your father.

The part that says, "I really feel inexplicably irritable right now. I haven't had in-depth communication with him or lived together for more than 20 years. Due to the pandemic, now I have to become my mother and spend every day with him, cooking for him. He even forces me to go grocery shopping with him. It's not that I can't take care of him, but I don't want to be like my mother. I'm so depressed, I can't sleep, I can't eat, because I can't communicate with him, so I often argue with other people. He's the one who needs to see a doctor, but he's driving me sick."

You have tried to resist your father's control.

It is crucial to understand that control and being controlled are two sides of the same coin. When you dance the obedient steps or the rebellious steps in this two-person dance, it is a relationship of agreement and reverse agreement.

Let me be clear: you have been dancing this controlling duet with your father. Take, for example, the resistance that comes with conflict.

Conflicts with parents are an important topic for adults. Feeling guilty about them prevents love from flowing.

Conflict means taking a little distance from each other and defending your psychological boundaries.

When we realize this, we know that Dad needs to see a psychologist and needs the help of a psychologist.

If we want to help Dad, we need to grow ourselves and seek help from professional counselors first. When our energy grows, it will affect Dad in turn.

Psychologists and psychiatrists treat more than just mental illness. They are people who can empathize with us and understand us. They are not perfect, but they are human, just like us.

Therefore, they often have a lot of warmth and often make us feel sincerity and warmth, as well as their imperfect parts.

When we feel empowered by this, we can and will influence our father, make him feel at ease and reassured, and increase the likelihood that he will go for counseling.

Back in reality, it's clear that there are no problematic people, only problematic relationships. If you go to see a counselor as a client, you can also reproduce the interaction pattern between you and your father in the counseling relationship.

When things have developed to this point, you can break down and rebuild the pattern of your relationship with your father. You and your father can move beyond the original pain.

I am confident that the above answers will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.

The questioner is clearly a very filial child, eager to do something for his father and help him get through the difficult time after his mother's death. However, he did not anticipate that he would inadvertently tie himself to his father.

It also makes you lose your function.

"My father moved from his hometown to my city. I know my father is suffering, and I also know that men are actually more vulnerable, so I have been with him 25 hours a day. In this way, I have been deeply bonded with my father for almost two months. I go wherever he goes, and I want to be with him.

"You may have thought that by staying with your father, you could avoid hurting him. But what you didn't expect was that your presence would cause him to retreat completely and lose the desire and motivation to try to get back on his feet on his own.

"I gradually felt that something was wrong. The idea of filial piety in Chinese culture is that I have to listen to him in everything and I can't have any opinions. Having an opinion means there is a conflict, and having a conflict means being unfilial. I suggested that we go back to the other house and live there for a day, but he disagreed.

After another ten days of stalemate, it became clear that your well-intentioned actions, which come from the heart, have allowed your father to mistakenly believe that his words about "filial piety" and his role as a father have become a "magic weapon" that can win you over. This has led him to use them to "coerce" you into obeying him, which is really uncomfortable.

"I haven't had in-depth communication and lived together with him for more than 20 years. Due to the pandemic, I have now become my mother and spend every day with him, cooking for him. He even forces me to go shopping with him. I'm not saying I can't take care of him, but I don't want to be my mother. After being apart for more than 20 years, you are now 'tied' together again. This is not an easy thing for you and your father to get used to! Furthermore, you are at different stages in your lives and you still have your own 'paths' to follow!

The channels of communication that used to allow emotions and feelings to flow naturally have now been almost completely blocked. This is bound to make people depressed, unable to sleep, and unable to eat. If you can no longer "get into frequent verbal arguments with other people" as a way to vent, you're going to have to find another way to "hold on"!

"It is he who needs to see a doctor, but he is driving me sick." The questioner should talk openly with her father. She should inform him of the differences between their life stages, explain that she cannot be with him 24 hours a day, and state that she is not her mother.

If you stay with him as you are now, you will collapse first. And what will happen to him when you collapse?

Your father needs time to grieve and adjust after losing his wife. He may find it easier in an environment he is more familiar with, but your kind gesture of letting him follow you to a new place has made it more difficult for him to adjust. He also needs to adapt to the new environment. When he has not yet adjusted to the loss of his wife, coupled with this unfamiliar environment, it undoubtedly makes him more fearful!

Discuss with your father how the next few days will be better for both of you. Decide whether to go back to your hometown or to stay in the city with him. Then, reach a consensus on how to maintain relative freedom while taking care of each other.

You need to be free to be yourself. Being tied together like this is not good for either of you.

If you have difficulty talking to your father alone, talk to a third party, such as a counselor or other professional. Tell your father that you are having "difficulties" and ask him to help you solve them. In the process, reveal these "implicit things" so that your father can see and understand.

You must understand that your father's current behavior is likely unconscious. He may also have a lot of unspeakable things.

I am certain that my reply will be of help to you. Best wishes!

Dear questioner, Let me give you a big, warm hug first!

From your message, I can tell that you are a wonderful daughter who deeply understands your father's feelings after his passing. You also tried to take care of him and keep him company, which is so commendable!

It's just that you've been together for so long that you've become a little too comfortable! Your father's over-reliance on you and his demand that you take care of everything has also made you feel stressed and even exhausted. I understand your current situation very well, and I'm excited to help you find a solution!

Spending a lot of time together is great, but it can also feel a bit overwhelming. It's important to remember that you also need your personal space!

Then, based on the current situation, I would like to give you the following advice:

1. Be sure to communicate with your father and express

Although his mother's death has made him sad, we can still live our lives to the fullest! We can see that he has come from his hometown to live with you, and he is trying hard to change and adapt to his new life. So, we try to understand him as much as possible!

I know you have done a great job and understand your father very well. He's doing really well! But for them, leaving the environment they have lived in for many years and going to a new environment can be unsettling. There are no more friends or neighbors from before, and they can't go for walks and chat. The only familiar person is his daughter, so he relies on you for everything. It seems that he will only feel secure when you are there.

So, the first thing you need to do is communicate with him more! This will help him to face this unfamiliar environment and the unfamiliar people around him. Encourage him to try new things and make new friends, so that he can slowly take his attention away from you.

Second, you need to tell him that it is his daughter's duty to take care of him, and that you are doing your best. However, you also have your own life, your own friends, and your own living space. Now that he is in good health, he should learn to take care of himself and do what he can, which is also a kind of exercise in life—and he'll be amazed at what he can do!

Third, it's time to separate from your father in a healthy way. It's also possible that your father has some emergency responses due to your mother's sudden death. Psychologically, this is called separation anxiety disorder. It's more difficult for them to accept this state psychologically, so you also have to give him some time to slowly adapt.

Even when you have to be apart occasionally, be patient and tell him that you will be back, and when. At the beginning, the time apart should be short, and as he gets used to it, gradually extend the time apart. This will give you both something to look forward to!

2. Help your father find new interests and get out of the doldrums!

You know your father's current state, so you should definitely spend more time with him! Chat, communicate, and understand his current psychological state.

When the pandemic ends, you can go on outings and hikes in the countryside with your father to relax and have fun together! Encourage your father to go out and about, see things, meet other people, and make friends.

For example, you can take walks in the neighborhood, go for walks, chat with people in the neighborhood, or even go to the chess and card room to play chess! These are all great ways to encourage him. You can even accompany him at first, and when he gets used to it, he'll probably want to go by himself.

Everyone's stress response is different when a loved one dies. Take it slow and guide him, accepting reality on the one hand and starting a new life on the other. The good news is that you can have a better relationship if he makes an effort to start!

I really hope these suggestions will be helpful for you! I love you so much, and I'm sending you all my best wishes!