Always in a vulnerable position in a marriage, afraid of the other person, don't know what to do?

Hello!

You've been married for several years, and for the most part, you and your wife get along pretty well. Your wife has a short temper and sometimes gets upset over minor issues.

You're more laid-back and have better emotional control. When you and your wife are on the same page, you let her have her way in everything. You think that in the relationship, she's in the dominant position and you're in a weak position.

You take care of all the other laundry and household chores, and you really indulge your wife. Because your wife was your first love, you want to be as good to her as possible.

You're so thoughtful, and it's clear you value your wife and your relationship. You're a great guy.

You said you're not good at cooking, but the other weekend, you got up first, steamed the rice, heated the vegetables, and put the food on the table and took it to the bedside. I think your wife hadn't even gotten up yet, and you were already being very considerate by taking the food to the bedside.

I think you've done a great job, but you might have made yourself vulnerable. You're just going out to run some errands. Men go out to run errands, too, and they don't need to get everything ready at home before they go out.

I think you can be more assertive. After all, you're the husband, not the wife's mommy or daddy, but you spoil her more than her parents do.

She's acting like a spoiled child, throwing tantrums. When she saw your wife, she exploded, saying you were in a hurry and why did you need to shave?

When she said that, I got the impression that she wanted you to go out looking a bit scruffy. I think she was worried that you wouldn't look attractive to other women.

This is like being spoiled, or more accurately, being spoiled.

You don't speak up because you're waiting for her to scold you. When she does, you know it'll be about the tableware and dishes. Then she'll say she wants a divorce.

You cried while packing your things, and she finally gave up. After making up, she said she couldn't bear to scold you when she saw you crying.

There are quite a few similar situations in your family. Your wife often scolds you, belittles you, rebukes you, and calls you names like "trash." You are very tolerant by nature. What was your childhood like?

Could it be that when you were a child, someone treated you this way, and you could only stop the insults if you cried?

Your mood actually follows hers. When she's happy, you're happy; when she's unhappy, you feel bad. It seems like you're agreeing with her when she belittles you. You're agreeing with her, and this is too cruel to yourself. Please maintain your self-confidence and recognize yourself firmly.

You can't remember how many times she's mentioned divorce, and you're reluctant to let go. You're a serious and responsible person, and you're responsible for your own emotions and your family. During conversations, she tells you that most of the anger and talk of divorce are just words.

I think your wife's temperament type is typically choleric. She has poor emotional control, and her emotions come on quickly and strongly. She's quick-tempered and irritable, but not for long.

People with this personality type are often seen as "tough on the outside, tender on the inside." It can be particularly hurtful when someone is "tough on the outside," and it can be helpful to try new ways of dealing with it.

For instance, when your wife is angry, you can avoid her to prevent her from hurting you, and then come back to her when she has calmed down. You can explore new ways on your own and try them out to see what works best for you.

I think in this kind of relationship, you're really the weaker party, always compromising. I think it's better for couples to respect each other and be more equal.

However, every couple is different. You also said that you two are mostly happy, and over the years, your wife's tantrums have decreased.

This shows that your relationship is gradually improving and becoming more harmonious. You're both learning to find a balance, and you'll eventually find your own way of getting along.

Maybe your wife is only tolerable to you. If she had found someone with the same temperament type as hers, they would be fighting every day and would have divorced long ago. Fortunately, you're with her. That's where your true value lies.

Marital relationships can still communicate with each other to further improve the quality of family life and increase the happiness index. I hope you'll find Satir's book, "How the New Family Shapes People," inspiring.

I think the world and I love you, and you should love yourself too.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

From your description, I can tell that you take on a lot in the relationship. And those angry words your wife said, she may have already forgotten after she lost her temper, but they are still affecting you, right? I understand this kind of grievance. Although I have never been scolded like this by my husband, I have been scolded like this by my mother-in-law. I have also been suffering in silence, but those piercing words have been hurting my heart. But I also gradually healed and came out of it!

I'm excited to share some experiences that I think you'll find inspiring!

When someone is in the middle of an emotional episode, you don't have to agree with what they say, and you don't have to take on their emotions. They belong to them, not you — and that's a good thing!

At that time, I always felt aggrieved and saddened by what my mother-in-law said, because I agreed with her. When she said I couldn't do anything right, when she said I was no good at this and that, I kept agreeing with her assessment of me. But her assessment of me was not positive, but completely negative. This made me start to doubt myself more and more, to become more and more negative. Naturally, I felt very inferior and aggrieved, but I was also very helpless, because I had given her the power to define me. If she said I was good, then I was good; if she said I wasn't good, then I wasn't good. So, my emotions were linked to hers. When she was happy, I was happy; when she wasn't happy, I couldn't be happy either. But her emotions were her own. Very often, it wasn't because we had done anything wrong that she was in a bad mood, but because she was in a bad mood herself, because she had encountered something annoying, and so she found an outlet in us.

So, remember, when she's having a temper tantrum, it's not your fault. It's her emotion, and you don't have to take it on. You can let her have her moment, but you don't have to agree with her opinion of you, especially the negative ones. You can even take the initiative in evaluating yourself. Get to know yourself, understand who you are, recognize your strengths, and support yourself. When she denies you, remember that it's only her perspective and her opinion, and it doesn't represent the truth. No matter what she thinks, you can always accept and understand yourself, support and recognize yourself.

2. In a relationship, it's so important to remember that you and your partner are equal. You have every right and freedom to express yourself! When you're feeling calm, it's a great idea to express your needs and feelings. You are not born to serve her. You need to support each other, respect each other, and care for each other in order to make this intimate relationship long-lasting and happy!

A great intimate relationship is one that can last a long time and be stable and happy! It's a relationship in which both people are equal, not one in which one person is completely subordinate to the other. So, even though you're letting her yell at you out of love and respect, you also need to respect yourself. You can express your true feelings and needs, and you can also express your specific expectations of her in the relationship. You can ask her to do something specific for you, and you can show her that you also really need her understanding, support, care, acceptance, respect, and recognition because this is important to you. It's important to her too, and it's a reflection of her value in the relationship.

This is the way to go! When you give each other real support in the relationship, you'll both feel loved. This kind of relationship is a mutually nourishing one, and it's a long-lasting and happy relationship!

3. You also need to deal with your own emotions. This is an exciting part of the process! You can do this by finding effective ways to release those emotions that you have been suppressing, so that your inner emotions can flow. You can also create more beautiful events in your relationship, which will add more elements of happiness to your relationship and dilute the unpleasant elements.

It's time to embrace your emotions! Don't suppress or explode them, channel and release them instead. Just as we need to eat every day to replenish the nutrients in our bodies, we also need to replenish our mental nutrients by channeling our emotions or using methods that suit us and help us become more harmonious and stable inside. Make these methods part of your lifestyle and watch your emotions flow freely!

The Chinese medicine saying "pain means blockage" also applies to emotions. And guess what? Emotional pain is also caused by blocked emotions. But here's the good news: when we unblock our emotions and let them flow, we will naturally feel less "painful."

We can release emotions in so many wonderful ways! Socialize with the right friends and vent your worries and confusion. Here, it is important to emphasize the word "right." Those who can give you support and encouragement, and those with whom you feel comfortable, are the right friends. Go exercise!

There are so many ways to release emotions! Socialize with suitable friends and vent your worries and confusions in social gatherings. Here, it is important to emphasize the word "suitable": those who can give you support and encouragement, and those with whom you feel comfortable, are suitable friends. Go exercise, do those sports you like, and relax your body and mind in the process. Writing therapy is a great way to express yourself. Write down all your inner feelings and thoughts on paper, without worrying about whether the handwriting is clear and neat, or the logic of the content. Just express your feelings as much as you like! Punching pillows and sandbags are a fun way to release your anger. Use the empty chair technique to release emotions: in a room, place an empty chair, assuming that the person you want to talk to (your wife) is sitting in the chair, and then you can express yourself to the chair (anger, abuse are fine).

And there's more! You can also develop the habit of recording three good things every day. Before going to bed every day, you can recall together the three good things that happened between you today. You can upgrade these to things to be grateful for, and express your appreciation and gratitude for each other. If you persevere over the long term, it will definitely increase your sense of happiness in the relationship, and you may even take the initiative to create more beautiful events to make you even happier!

We hope you find this information useful! Wishing you all the best!

Hello!

It seems like you're the weaker party in your relationship, and your wife often scolds you for little things. It's understandable! Your wife is the stronger party, and you do most of the household chores and give her the benefit of the doubt. But your wife will find fault and scold you unilaterally.

But what you call weakness is not necessarily weakness. It could be another kind of strength! And your wife's strength could be bluster.

It's been a few years now since you got married. I'm not sure if your wife was always so "dominant" or if she gradually became more dominant. If she wasn't dominant from the start, it's worth thinking about what might have happened over the years that has made her have to become dominant.

You may have heard similar things or seen similar people. Some women in rural areas are like shrews, defying the heavens and the earth and being unreasonable. It's so sad! Whoever meets them stays away from them. Most of these families have a weak man, or the man is absent.

It's sad but true that most people bully the weak and are afraid of the strong. They may even take advantage of the situation and step on the weak. If there is no one in the family who is strong, they will be bullied by others.

For example, you may be given a plot of land that's not very fertile or in a remote area. Or you may not get the benefits you deserve. If the men are honest and weak, the women will have to become strong and fight for the interests of their families and protect their children by acting like women.

This is something that's often forced out by the environment. It's not that some people are born shrewish, but more that people are forced out by the environment.

This kind of thing used to be really common. Families with large populations and many males would often bully families with small populations and few males, intentionally or not. Thankfully, this kind of thing is less common now that we have the rule of law!

I'm happy to answer your question! You said you're a Buddhist, which I think is great. It means you're probably more calm, which is good because you may not have much desire for success. You prefer to settle things amicably when things happen, and you are good at forbearing. You also said that your wife said the most important thing you should do right now is move out.

I'm not sure if it means you should move out or if it's something you should do together. From what you said, it seems like your wife is a bit reluctant to move out, so it might be best for you two to move out.

I just wanted to check in with you about something. You mentioned that you're moving out, which I totally get. It can be a really tough time for everyone involved. I'm wondering if you're living with your parents at the moment? If so, it's possible that there might be some conflicts between your wife and your parents. It can be really hard when there are disagreements within the family. I'm not sure if you've talked about this with her, but it might be helpful to have a chat with her about it.

I could be way off base here, but I have a feeling that your wife's strength is also partly your doing.

Your weakness may be another kind of strength. What she means is, "I've already compromised and kept a low profile, so what more do you want? You should suffer a little. The more you show weakness, the stronger the rebound of control to your wife may be. In order not to be swallowed up by your control, she will later use strength to hide her fear and insecurity.

Take some time to think about how your wife became strong, and what you did during the process. You'll probably realize that her strength is actually a weakness, and that her strength was shaped by your weakness. Maybe if you were a little stronger, she wouldn't need to be so strong.

I really think you should go and talk to a counselor together.

I'm a counselor who is often Buddhist and sometimes pessimistic, but I try to be positive and motivated when I can. I love you and the world.

Hello! I'm a heart detective coach, and I'm here to help you navigate the beautiful journey of life. Life is not about appreciation, it's about blossoming!

I listened to your story, and I have to say, she really appreciates you! Good men like you who work hard and take care of the household chores are rare, and your wife is lucky to have you. I can understand how your grievances might be hard to handle, especially when you're meeting a "shrew" who is prone to emotional outbursts and inexplicable anger. But remember, it takes two to tango! Let's take a look at what really happened:

?1. Stand in your shoes and see the world through your eyes!

I'm already hardworking, considerate, and I defer to your wife's wishes. What more could you possibly want?

Absolutely! You take on almost everything in family life and also bear a lot of grievances and pressure.

Have you ever stopped to think about what you could do differently to make your marriage even better? You're a great guy! Why not keep up the good work and see what happens?

"You teach people how to treat you." The way you and your partner have interacted over the years has resulted in her being dominant and taking the initiative—and it's been a wild ride!

When she loses her temper, you bear it silently, and both of you mistakenly believe that it is indeed you who "has done wrong." In other words, your reaction has to some extent "fostered" her assertiveness—and now you have the chance to turn this around!

?2. Stand in the other person's shoes

When she gets emotional, she can be very hysterical, and she will lash out at you with constant negativity, criticism, and insults. But when she calms down, she can be very gentle and apologetic in her own way!

Every emotion is a door to a new understanding. When she feels unmet needs, she may turn to her partner for fulfillment. But often, these needs stem from her childhood and her relationship with her parents.

In other words, you are not at fault. It is just that your wife did not get the sense of security from her family of origin or from her parents, so she needs to take control of her partner and take the initiative in the marriage to make up for the sense of deprivation inside. This is an amazing opportunity for you both to grow and learn together!

This is where she gets to heal herself! People with a lack of security are prone to emotional, interpersonal, and behavioral disorders, but she can overcome them!

She throws tantrums like a wife, shows emotional disorders, and acts in a way that is "staged." You take such good care of her, and she's so grateful for it! She just needs to do this to confirm your love for her.

3. Now for the fun part! How should you make adjustments?

Fall in Love with the Waltz: A happy marriage is a joint effort between husband and wife to maintain and nurture. A good man is nurtured by a good woman, and a good woman is nurtured by a good man.

First, you need to make changes. When you have made changes, the other person will naturally have to make changes in order to adapt to your changes. For example, when she loses her temper, even if you have to "argue" with her afterwards to let her know that she is being unreasonable, don't touch her when she is in the middle of her emotions (she is currently unable to deal with her emotions).

The goal is to help her learn to respect you! You can do this by directly expressing your feelings. This will help her understand that you care about her and that she can't ignore you.

Second, learn some psychology! "Psychological Nutrition" and "Knowing Love" can help her heal her lack of security. If necessary, you can seek professional help from a family counselor.

And finally, it's time to strengthen the emotional communication between husband and wife! Learn the "five languages of love" and discover the language of love for both of you. You'll be amazed at how well you can "hit the spot" in your intimate relationship!

I really hope the above is helpful to you, and I love you and the world!

If you want to keep in touch, you should definitely check out my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service"!

Hello question asker

Give hugs.

You've been married for several years and usually get along well. However, your wife has a bad temper and is easily swayed by emotions. Sometimes she gets angry over trivial matters. You're probably more laid-back than she is, and you're calm most of the time. You try to give her way on everything. You do all the laundry and household chores, so you're quite accommodating. You don't have much experience in relationships and your wife is your first love. You just want to be as good to her as possible. However, your wife is quite controlling. She scolds you even when you haven't done a bad job or forgotten something.

The other weekend, I said I needed to go out early to take care of some things and make lunch early. I got up first and started the rice. Then I brushed my teeth and washed my face, and finally shaved. She got angry when she saw me shaving and ignored me. Finally, I heated the vegetables and put the food on the table and went to bed to prepare to eat with her. Then she suddenly exploded, saying that I was in a hurry and why I wasted time shaving. I just stood there, not daring to say anything, waiting for her to scold me. When she saw that I had nothing to say, she just flipped the table over, threw the bowls and plates on the floor, and broke them. Then she said that she couldn't live like this anymore, that she was tired of being with me, and that she wanted a divorce. I didn't agree, and she said that if I didn't agree, she would jump off the upstairs balcony and wash away. I had no choice. Finally, I just cleaned up the mess on the floor. Then she told me that the most important thing I should do right now was to move out. Then I got emotional and cried. She finally gave up and reconciled with me. Afterwards, she said that she couldn't bear to scold me anymore when she saw me crying.

There are other similar situations.

She gets angry when I don't wash laundry properly or rinse dishes the way she wants. She gets angry when I cook a dish she doesn't like. When she's in a bad mood, she hurts my feelings. My mood follows hers: when she's happy, I'm happy; when she's not, I feel bad. I never get angry with her. She's mentioned divorce many times. At first I was resistant, but now I think there's some truth to what she says. I've slowly come to accept it, but I don't want to let her go.

Sometimes when we chat before bed, she says that most of the anger and talk of divorce are just words. She says that they are still happy most of the time. She gets angry less and less, and she tries to control it as much as possible.

Questioner, have you noticed? He gets angry every time he mentions divorce. He is grumpy, but you are happy together. Have you answered your question?

If you want to change someone else, it will be very difficult. The answer is to learn to change yourself.

When your wife loses her temper, you have to fight for your rights. Don't just accommodate her. Talk to her about it when she's not losing her temper. When she loses her temper, it hurts you. Talk about how you feel and ask for her respect. When she respects you, she'll lose her temper less often.

Like you said, it's possible. He mentioned divorce several times, but when you talked, he said he was angry and still loves you. He wants to feel secure. When he does, he'll be happy. There's no problem with his temper.

That's it for now. I love you.

Hello, dear question asker!

From what you've told me, it seems like your wife often attacks you physically, always thinking you're not doing a good job. I can understand why you're too attached to her to stand up to her, though.

You went from initial pain to growing numbness, and you have come to identify with your wife and not with yourself. This is actually doing a lot of harm to yourself, my friend.

It's so common for the pattern of a person in an intimate relationship to repeat their own family of origin.

Take a moment to reflect and see if there are any similarities between the way your wife's parents interact and the way she treats you.

She tends to focus on her own thoughts and views, and tends to blame others for mistakes, while she is always right.

Even when you're doing your best at work, she'll still find something to criticize. It's so hard to please her! She'll be happy about the results, but then she'll find fault with you.

It's true, she does have some narcissistic personality traits.

And you have been trying to please her, afraid of making her angry. It's totally understandable! We all want to keep our relationships happy and healthy. You might even be afraid of losing this relationship, and that's okay! We all feel that way sometimes. You're doing a great job of trying to keep things positive, even when you feel wronged.

You have a lovely, pleasing personality.

So, as you mentioned, a narcissist meeting someone who is willing to please can be a great match!

But if you keep trying to please your partner in this relationship, you might lose a little bit of yourself along the way.

I just want to check in with you and ask: are you really willing to live like this forever?

I'm really sorry to say that your wife doesn't seem to tolerate you or respect you very much.

And you have your own self-respect and freedom of choice, too!

Take washing dishes, for example. There's no one right way to do it. It's just a matter of habit. But she insists that you do it her way. It can get pretty depressing, right?

You know, you actually have other options.

It all depends on whether you're ready to take the leap.

It's totally normal to feel stuck in a familiar pattern that's painful, especially when you have different needs and desires. It's understandable that you'd rather return to this pattern than fight for a different one.

But you know what? You can only grow and become happy by truly accepting your emotions, identifying problems, and solving them. Otherwise, you'll continue to live in pain.

If you're both open to making changes, your relationship can really flourish. But if you're both stuck in your ways, it'll be tough to find happiness.

If you really want to get out of a painful situation, you need to break free from your own fixed ways of thinking. It's so hard to do, I know! But you can do it! And then real change can happen. I'm sending you lots of good luck!

My dear friend,

Hello, my dear friend! I'm listening therapist Wang Hao. After reading your words carefully, I feel like I've gotten to know you and your situation quite well. I can see how you've persevered through the ups and downs of marriage and I'm here to support you through this.

I totally get the ups and downs you've been through in this relationship. I can also imagine how helpless and confused you must feel when faced with your lover's emotional swings.

Any long-term relationship requires mutual understanding, tolerance, and a degree of compromise. In the situation you describe, your personalities complement each other perfectly! You, being the more relaxed one, always try to accommodate her and take on many household chores. This commitment and patience is so commendable!

However, marriage is not just about getting along in everyday life. It's also about emotional communication and psychological adjustment.

Your wife has a strong desire to manage and control emotions, which may be due to her personality traits or deep-seated anxieties. You can try communicating gently but firmly with her about her temper tantrums over trivial matters and seemingly unreasonable demands. Let her know that everyone has different rhythms and ways of dealing with things, and that it is not necessary to follow a certain pattern.

Take the shaving incident, for example. It's probably just a personal habit that doesn't affect how well you do things for the family.

At the same time, when she loses control of her emotions and says outrageous things or even proposes divorce, try not to take it personally. Instead, after she calms down, express your feelings honestly and tell her how the frequent mention of divorce bothers and hurts you. Remind her that love is mutual respect, not unilateral accusations and threats.

You mentioned that now, when faced with her scolding, you are not as likely to cry as before. This is a great sign that you've gradually adapted emotionally and established a self-protection mechanism. It just goes to show how much you've grown and matured!

Your bedtime chats show that she's aware of her problems and is trying to improve, which is great! It might be helpful to seek professional emotional counseling together. With the guidance of a professional, you can learn how to better manage your emotions and communicate more effectively. This could help you both find comfort and balance in your marriage.

It doesn't matter when or where, your feelings are just as important as anyone else's, and your happiness is just as worthy of attention and respect. I really hope you can work together to overcome this difficult period and move towards a more harmonious and happy life.

Hello, I am Qu Huidong, a psychotherapist who believes in the power of images to convey meaning.

The questioner does a great deal of work at home without complaint. Could it be that her fear is the underlying cause? If so, what is she afraid of?

You say you are reluctant to let go, but could it be that it is love that you are reluctant to let go of?

From what you've shared, it seems that your relationship has not always deteriorated with each conflict. In fact, it seems that understanding has increased, conflicts have decreased, and there has been more happiness than unhappiness. However, if we define our wife's behavior with labels such as "too dominant," "irrational," and "emotional," it might be challenging to see the other person's real needs. Communication and managing the marital relationship is a shared responsibility.

I'm not sure if you're also a "good guy" in other situations besides being an "exemplary husband" at home. If you're consistent inside and out and feel comfortable with yourself, it's actually quite good to be yourself.

Everyone has their own personality traits, and it is the complementary nature of your personalities that has brought you together as a family. Perhaps your wife's "short-tempered" temper is more like a quick-witted and unrestrained tongue, and it is your tolerance that has made her less sharp and pointed all the time.

Sometimes, what may appear to be strength is actually a heart that is afraid of being hurt. If you can understand more and the inner self really needs to be seen, soothed, and accepted, then the person will become much softer.

One type of psychological state with impaired attachment is avoidant attachment. It can be challenging to balance the desire for intimacy with the fear of being hurt. The more you want it, the more you may find yourself pushing it away. The deeper the wound of love, the deeper it is. You may find yourself trying to avoid being hurt again, and you might get rid of the other person in advance. However, these people deeply desire love and acceptance. There is a saying, "No matter how many times you hurt me, I will still love you as I did at first." This may be a helpful approach for taking care of avoidant attachment people.

It would be beneficial to also consider your emotions. You may find it helpful to gain an understanding of communication and marriage by reading books such as The Five Languages of Love and The Five Languages of Anger. Additionally, you might benefit from psychological counseling to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

I hope this finds you well.