An ambiguous relationship that he feels is not good for him. How to handle it next

Good morning, You have been in this complex relationship for four years. You have invested a great deal of effort, and it is now time to clarify your intentions and set your own pace. You have demonstrated considerable courage and insight in seeking assistance on this platform, and I commend you for that.

☀️Your narrative mentions that you have lived with your roommate for four years, that you have a one-sided love, that you have maintained a sexual relationship, that you have opened a business together, and that you have borrowed 200,000 yuan from him. From this information, it seems that from the beginning to the present, the relationship has been unequal, with physical and financial entanglements and no real emotional connection. In any relationship or marriage, the most important thing is the emotional foundation. Is this not correct?

It is evident that you have expressed your genuine sentiments, whereas he has not.

Your narrative also indicated that you lack a sense of security, are sensitive, and dependent. In contrast, he is self-absorbed, playful, and has a poor sense of responsibility. Additionally, he is somewhat avoidant and dislikes being alone. From a personality perspective, you require care and attention to gradually establish a sense of security and then take care of the other person.

I must be frank and tell you that he may not be your type, let alone your ideal type. He avoids things, loves to play around, is self-centered, and seems like an immature big boy. Perhaps he will change one day and grow up, but you cannot control everything about him. We can only control ourselves and change the pace of our own growth. What are your thoughts on this matter?

I understand that this is a challenging situation. It may take time to fully accept the circumstances, so I encourage you to take the necessary steps to process this transition.

☀️Your narrative also mentioned that there is a conflict about once every 30 days, or a significant or minor disagreement or prolonged discord. I believe you have also made it clear that disagreements, regardless of their nature, will have an adverse effect on the relationship. This will undoubtedly compound the challenges you currently face as a couple who lacks an emotional foundation. Based on your account, it seems that neither you nor your partner have derived emotional value from this relationship.

From your account, it is evident that you are experiencing the appropriate emotions. He has also made it clear that he wants to distance himself, and you feel abandoned. It appears that this relationship is reaching its conclusion. On the one hand, I empathize with your situation, but on the other hand, I also wish you well as you move on from this unequal, unsuitable, and ultimately unfulfilling relationship.

☀️An end also means a new beginning. Treat yourself well.

Take the time to consider what you do and do not like about him. Ask yourself what kind of romantic partner, what kind of emotions, and what kind of partner you really need.

It is essential to ascertain what kind of life you aspire to lead. Only when you are clear about your objectives and your direction will you be able to navigate your path successfully.

I wish you, Mr. Smith, a future full of possibilities.

Hello, question asker! You asked, "What should I do next with an unclear relationship that he thinks is bad for him?"

First, I commend you for your awareness of your relationship with your roommate and your reflections on it. Now, let's take a look at your question together.

You have lived with your roommate for four years. You have unrequited love, a sexual relationship, and you have opened a business together. Your daily lives are closely bound. You shared a flat for the first two years and then lived in a house he bought for the next two years, while also borrowing 200,000 yuan from him.

You lack security, are sensitive, and are dependent. He is self-centered, loves to play, and has poor sense of responsibility. He is a bit of an avoidant and dislikes being alone. He feels that you are only with him for company. There is a conflict about every 30 days, or a big or small quarrel or cold war. The causes are related to the management of the shop, your request to be treated well, and trivial matters in life. You need to take control of the situation.

When there were conflicts in the shared living situation, he mentioned moving out and living in his family's home, and you suggested moving out a few times. Recently, he broke the tacit agreement of spending weekends together and suddenly started hanging out with other people alone. You feel that he is deliberately trying to change things and you feel abandoned, which makes you unhappy. You want to move out, but after communicating with him, you temporarily agreed to live together again. However, he expressed that

1. You need to distance your relationship and stop being ambiguous. Be good friends.

2. You are unhappy about the arguments, and he feels bad about himself. You should move out. However, you consider the terms of a shared rental to be bad, and you will move out after you buy a house.

3. You're happy living together, but you've realised that arguing is damaging and you're prepared to give up the relationship. You've always believed that both parties can change their hearts to improve the relationship, but now that he's said this, you know what you have to do.

You can do as he wishes and maintain a certain distance from him.

The man has made his needs clear: he wants you to remain friends, which is what many people call a "blue friend." He wants no more ambiguity. You can do as he wishes and maintain a distance from him from now on. If conditions don't permit moving out, you can choose to stay in the room. You two can maintain a roommate relationship, but you must promise not to break through that line of defense.

This is a tall order, but it's one that can be met. After all, a man and a woman are in the same room, and they both have sexual needs. Especially if they have had sex before, temptation is always going to be there if they want it or have the chance to. Confucius said, "Food and sex are basic human needs." Sexual needs are just as basic as other needs such as eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, and so on.

The man has already proposed that you continue to be just friends in the future, maintain contact, but keep the bottom line. You can do as he wishes. Be each other's true best friends from now on.

You can disagree and make your relationship public. You can develop it into a real romantic relationship.

The man has made a request, but you have lived together for four years and run a business together. You are too entwined to separate for a while, and the man does not want to either. If you feel insecure, unsatisfied, and disagree with the man's request, you can guide the direction of the relationship, develop it in the direction you want, and make it public.

Relationships are a dynamic process.

A man and a woman in a relationship are like a pair of dancers in a pas de deux. The relationship is a dynamic process, and the changes and developments influence each other, contributing to the direction of the relationship and the outcome. When one party changes the pace of the dance, the other party has to adjust their pace. Otherwise, there is a risk of stepping on each other's feet or being stepped on.

If one partner in a relationship changes their dance moves, the other partner has to follow suit immediately. Otherwise, the two of them may not be able to continue the dance together. A relationship is a dynamic process, and we have the right to take the lead in it.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope my answer is helpful!

The world and I love you!

Hello.

From roommates to having a sexual relationship, neither party is willing to admit the other as a romantic partner. This relationship is full of negative emotions, both practical and emotional. They cannot accept each other or themselves.

Learn to care for yourself by seeing the real inner needs behind the emotions.

I have been living with my roommate for four years. I have had a one-sided crush on him, and we have always maintained a sexual relationship. We have opened a business together and our daily lives are closely bound. We shared a flat for the first two years, and then lived in a house he bought for the next two years, while borrowing 200,000 yuan from him.

From roommates to cohabitating, the two opened a shop together, and the questioner also generously lent the other party 200,000 yuan to support them. Let's be clear: in this relationship, both parties have not given unconditionally. They have also not contributed to the existing complex relationship out of pure practical need. What has driven these actions? It's time to consider the true inner needs of both parties. This is a key consideration for both parties as to whether they can go further together.

It is difficult to truly accept oneself, and there is a lack of true self-confidence in dealing with relationships. This is why the only way to escape the responsibility that belongs to oneself and one's true inner needs is to avoid intimacy.

2. He is overly sensitive about his own evaluation and has a fragile sense of self-esteem.

He recently broke our tacit agreement of spending weekends together and started meeting up with other people alone. It's clear to me that he's deliberately trying to change things, and I'm unhappy about it. I've decided to move out. After some communication, we decided to stay together for now, but he expressed that

1. He wants to end the relationship and move on.

2. He gets unhappy when there's an argument, and it makes him feel bad about himself. It's best to have a physical distance. I moved out, but the terms of a shared rental weren't good, and I wasn't expected to move out again after I bought a house.

3. They believe that quarrels cause great harm and are willing to give up living together, despite the happiness they experience in doing so. They had previously expressed reluctance.

The questioner's heart is filled with a lack of self-confidence and self-assurance in this relationship. Every move of the other person affects his emotions. He is afraid of being abandoned. Even if the two parties have experience running a business and living together, external influences can create unstable factors. The questioner feels that the feedback he receives is that he is not good enough and not valuable enough. He needs to insist on staying in a relationship full of negation. He needs to think deeply about this.

It's time to face the facts. Is it fear of change or fear of new changes in life that's behind the fear of stepping out of an unhealthy intimate relationship? It's likely that both parties are afraid of change and new attempts, so they're reluctant to leave the relationship. But they can't bring true nourishment and growth to the other party. Inevitably, it's just another time that the other party chooses to leave first because of the fear of greater blows and challenges.

Ultimately, in a relationship lacking commitment and love, the questioner is the passive party. When problems arise, they cannot defend their rights but must accept them passively. This is because the questioner internally evaluates themselves as low value and pins all their hopes on the other party. However, the other party is also a person with fragile self-esteem, unable to save anyone, including themselves. When difficulties arise, the most likely action they will take is to evade responsibility because this is their inherent pattern of behavior. This pattern can only be changed when they realize it.

Best wishes!

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm here to help in any way I can.

First of all, I would like to thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us about the conflicts between you and your boyfriend in order to resolve them. After reading your account, I feel quite sad for you.

Your relationship has perhaps led you to lose sight of your own needs and to always cooperate with others. You ask, "What should I do next if I can't explain the relationship and he thinks it's not good for him?" Let's take a moment to consider how you might handle your relationship in a way that is respectful to both of you.

1. Relationship

1⃣️, cohabitation

You mentioned that you have been living with your roommate for four years. It seems that you have feelings for him that have not been reciprocated, and that you have maintained a sexual relationship with him. You have also opened a business together and your daily lives are closely intertwined. Initially, you shared an apartment for two years, and then lived in a house that he purchased for another two years, while you borrowed 200,000 yuan from him.

From your introduction, it seems that you have been living together for four years. It would appear that, whether it is unrequited love or one-sided, you have maintained a relationship, which shows that he acknowledges your relationship and is working together to live together.

You have been living together for four years. Initially, you shared an apartment, but then he purchased a house, and you moved in with him. You also provided him with a loan of 200,000 yuan. He has acknowledged this cohabitation for two years.

2. Attachment

It seems that you have a relationship that could be described as an attachment.

You say, "I feel insecure, I'm sensitive, I'm dependent, he's self-centered, he's irresponsible, he's a bit of an escapist, he doesn't like being alone, and he thinks that people only go out with him for the company."

You may lack a sense of security, which could make you very dependent on other people. If someone treats you slightly better, you may find that you give everything you have to that person.

Your boyfriend may have some avoidant tendencies. It seems that he may not be comfortable with the idea of being dependent on others. You have mentioned that he tends to be self-centered and focused on his own feelings, which can sometimes make it challenging for him to fully understand your perspective. Additionally, he seems to have a preference for being alone. This could be a sign that he has an attachment style of detachment, rather than being an avoidant person.

People with an alienating attachment style tend to feel at ease even without intimacy. Independence and self-sufficiency are often more important to them, and they may not always be comfortable relying on others or letting others rely on them.

Interaction patterns

You say, "There is a conflict about once every 30 days, or a big or small quarrel or cold war. The causes are related to shop management, my demand to be treated well, and trivial matters in life. When there is a conflict in the shared apartment, he has mentioned moving out, and I have mentioned moving out a few times after living in his house."

There will likely be some disagreements over experience and concepts, modes of getting along, attachment types, and views on life. It's possible that there might be a conflict once a month.

If there are some differences in your respective needs and expectations, you may consider proposing a separation. However, it is likely that you will not have the opportunity to address these differences and resolve them amicably.

3⃣, differences It seems there are some differences between you and your boyfriend.

From my understanding, the boyfriend's perspective is as follows:

You mentioned that he recently broke the tacit agreement of spending weekends together and made separate plans with other people. I felt that he was trying to change things and that I was being left behind, which made me unhappy. I considered moving out, but after talking with him, we decided to live together again for the time being. However, he expressed that

1. He would like to take some time to reflect and consider the relationship in a more detached way, with the aim of becoming good friends.

2. He feels unhappy arguing with you and feels bad about himself. It might be best to have physical distance, so I'm considering moving out, but I'm also exploring the possibility of a shared rental, in the hope that I can move out after I buy a house.

3. While there is happiness in living together, they believe that quarrels are harmful and are willing to give up living together. Previously, they had expressed reluctance to

From the way your boyfriend expresses his thoughts, it seems he may have an avoidant attachment style. It's possible that he's more tired of arguing with you than he is of the good feelings you once had. This could mean he wants to reduce the frequency of your contact and lower your emotional connection.

And perhaps even pulling away your attachment to him.

I'm a bit confused.

You said, "Before, I thought that both parties could change their hearts to optimize the relationship. Now that he said this, I'm not sure what the best course of action is."

You want to improve the relationship and resolve the differences through changes in both parties. However, your boyfriend's three rules have made you realize that he may not be as invested in the relationship as you had hoped.

You are feeling quite sad and want to save the relationship, so you ask what you should do.

2. Potential causes of disagreement

1⃣️, different attachment styles

It seems that your attachment style may be a contributing factor to the conflicts and disagreements in your relationship. You appear to exhibit some characteristics of an anxious attachment type.

Anxious attachment can be described as an emotional state in which it may be challenging to feel love and trust for your partner. Instead, it can manifest as a kind of "emotional hunger," hoping that the other person can save you or make you more "complete."

Anxiety can be seen as a fear that stems from insecurity in a relationship. It can manifest as a fear of being abandoned, which can then lead to a fear of losing control and a desire to exert control in the relationship. Additionally, demands for kindness from one partner can also put a lot of pressure on the other.

On the other hand, people with an avoidant attachment style may find it challenging to tolerate being smothered, which could potentially lead to them distancing themselves from the situation.

It can be observed that individuals with anxious attachment styles may engage in self-defeating behaviors and contribute to a toxic dynamic in relationships. They often have a strong desire for intimacy but may be prone to suspicion and fear that their partners do not share the same level of intimacy.

As a result, the boyfriend was able to offer her three pieces of advice.

2. Different values

It may be helpful to consider that some of the conflicts you have had are caused by differences in life philosophy, experience philosophy, and values. If you would like to continue, it might be beneficial to discuss values and life philosophy in depth before moving forward.

3⃣️, there seems to be room for improvement in the communication between you both.

From what you mentioned, it seems that there might be room for improvement in the way you communicate with each other. It's not uncommon for couples to have differing opinions, but it's important to be able to express your thoughts clearly and listen to each other's perspectives. This will help you make informed decisions together.

3. What might be a good next step?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider changing the attachment relationship.

It might be helpful to try to be a secure type of attachment.

People who are securely attached are emotionally approachable. They feel secure both in relying on others and being relied on.

You are not overly concerned about being alone or being rejected.

By making yourself this secure attachment type, you can help your boyfriend to feel relaxed and free from pressure.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider an alternative approach.

It might be helpful to try to be more independent.

It would be beneficial to learn to be alone and to live your life well, whether or not your boyfriend is there. It is important for your boyfriend to be considerate, but you should also be able to take care of yourself. By doing things yourself, you will show your boyfriend that you are maturing and growing up. He will feel less nervous about your state when interacting with you.

Furthermore, they will be able to calmly deal with your requests.

It is important to trust the other person.

If you are honest and trust your boyfriend's attitude in your intimate relationship, it is likely that he will behave in a supportive manner. He may feel that you are his strong backing, a partner he can rely on, that you are safe, and that your relationship will be more harmonious.

2⃣️, effective communication

I would like to suggest that we consider the importance of effective communication.

Communication can be defined as the exchange of information. It is a process whereby a message is conveyed to a communication partner with the aim of eliciting a desired response. If this process is achieved, effective communication can be considered complete.

It is worth noting that communication encompasses both verbal and nonverbal messages, with the nonverbal aspect often playing a more significant role than the verbal one. Effective communication is a valuable tool in navigating the nuances of interpersonal and complex social relationships on campus.

I would like to suggest some steps that could help us all to communicate more effectively.

I believe that effective communication can be achieved by following four simple steps:

It may be helpful to consider expressing feelings rather than emotions in this situation.

Step 2: It may be helpful to express what you want, rather than what you don't want. It might also be beneficial to express that you are angry, rather than simply stating that you are angry.

Step 3: It is important to express your needs, rather than simply complaining. It is also helpful to avoid leaving your partner guessing what you want.

Step 4: Instead of dwelling on the present situation, focus on the desired outcome.

When you have a conflict with your boyfriend, you can use these four steps to express your feelings, thoughts, and demands. Instead of each person sticking to their own opinion or singing their own tune, you can establish the effectiveness of your communication, form a good communication situation, and gradually reach a consensus.

It would be beneficial to establish effective communication in an intimate relationship, as this can contribute to the development of a strong and fulfilling bond, as well as personal growth.

3⃣, It would be beneficial to establish a shared understanding.

It is thought that building a shared understanding is one of the keys to whether a relationship can last. It seems that shared understanding includes self-worth, being on the same page, self-growth and accepting the truth.

It is important to recognize and value one's own worth in a relationship.

It could be said that recognition of self-worth is one of the most important values sought in an intimate relationship. It is often the case that only by gaining self-recognition in a relationship do we feel secure and stable.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to walk in step.

It is not necessary for two people in a relationship to agree on every detail of their lives together. What is important is that they are moving in the same general direction and that the relationship is a balanced state. If one person makes excessive demands on the other, it can create discomfort and upset the balance of the relationship.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the concept of self-growth.

Reaching a balance in a relationship is not the end goal, but rather a continuous process of self-growth within the relationship. This self-growth does not only involve the individual, but also the willingness of the other person.

Self-growth implies a willingness to draw closer to each other, to invest in the relationship, and to envision a brighter future together.

Perhaps it would be helpful to accept the reality of the situation.

In an intimate relationship, it can be challenging to see each other and the relationship through the other person's perspective. This can lead to a shift in the relationship dynamic, where the relationship grows from intimacy to a sense of distance and misunderstanding. It's important to recognize that this can happen when one person's true attitude and thoughts are ignored or unseen, which can hurt the other person's heart.

If you can truly see the other person as they really are, see the true relationship between the two of you, and accept the real them, you will be able to make choices and judgments that are as accurate as possible.

The questioner, your happiness is within your control. You have the power to experience it fully and to achieve it. I hope you can seize your own opportunities and win your own happiness.

I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy outcome!

Greetings, question asker. My name is Evan.

It appears that the relationship between the questioner and his roommate has reached a critical juncture. The questioner aspires to evolve the relationship from its current ambiguous and sexual state to a more committed and long-term partnership, even to the extent of being together for an extended period. Is this indeed the case?

From the questioner's own description, it can be seen that the questioner and his roommate maintain only a sexual and an ambiguous relationship. However, it seems that the two have not clearly agreed on whether their relationship is that of lovers. In the absence of a clear relationship, it is often unstable. This is because, without a clear relationship, it is easy for other relationships to become a source of disturbance or for the relationship to be damaged.

It is unclear why the questioner has a relationship with the roommate that is akin to that of a romantic partner. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the two have made any explicit agreements regarding the nature of their relationship.

It appears that the two individuals in question have already engaged in all the activities typically associated with a romantic partnership, with the exception of explicitly acknowledging the nature of their relationship. Their dynamic resembles that of two individuals cohabiting as though they were married, yet not officially married. The questioner seeks to transition out of this ambiguous relationship and confirm the relationship as a romantic one. Given that both parties have already implicitly agreed on the nature of their relationship and are currently residing together as roommates, it is challenging to optimize the relationship.

It would be beneficial for the questioner to consider how they typically communicate with their roommate. It is also important to ascertain whether their emotions and worldviews are aligned. In the event that there are discrepancies, it would be helpful for the questioner to identify effective communication strategies.

In light of the aforementioned circumstances, I will also offer the questioner some brief advice.

It is essential to gain an understanding of the roommate's behavioral pattern.

What is the character of the roommate and what is his behavioral pattern? It appears that he is unable to maintain stability in a relationship. What factors contribute to this behavioral pattern?

This is closely related to the education received in the original family. The character of the roommate also plays a role.

The questioner may wish to consider the reasons behind the roommate's desire to terminate the current intimate relationship, or the outcomes he seeks to achieve. When an intimate relationship appears to entail a significant degree of responsibility in addition to the positive aspects, it is pertinent to question why he would choose to disengage.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether this is also related to how he was brought up in his original family. If the child is consistently prevented from taking responsibility and engaging in autonomous actions within the family unit, it is likely that he will be reluctant to assume responsibility as an adult, as he has not been encouraged to take on such responsibilities since childhood.

It is therefore incumbent upon the questioner to comprehend the rationale behind the roommate's behavioural patterns when confronted with the dual challenges of intimacy and responsibility. Having done so, the questioner will be better placed to engage with their roommate in a more composed manner, and to release their own emotions within the intimacy of the relationship.

It is recommended that you engage in sincere communication with your roommate.

It is important to observe and understand the behavioral patterns exhibited by your roommate. It appears that he desires to experience the positive emotions associated with intimacy but is hesitant to embrace the responsibilities and challenges that accompany it. It is crucial to pay attention to instances when he displays this behavior. If he is unable to confront the issues raised during an argument and lacks the skills to address them effectively, it is essential to communicate directly that he has the right to express his demands or feelings, but that he should strive to express them constructively rather than suppressing them.

Inform your roommate that you wish to terminate the current relationship. It is likely that you both have your own ideas regarding a potential solution. The current dispute is merely an attempt to identify a mutually beneficial outcome. It is understandable that you are emotional and impulsive; it is challenging to exercise restraint in the moment.

"It is my hope that we can engage in an open and honest dialogue."

It is important to accept your roommate's current state of mind.

It is hoped that the questioner will be able to accept the roommate's current state and communicate with him in a positive manner. This should include informing him of the consequences of terminating the current intimate relationship, as well as his inner thoughts and desires regarding the future of the relationship. It is also important to convey one's own thoughts and feelings. It is crucial not to blame the roommate; he may be more concerned about not knowing how to face the further development of the intimate relationship. If the questioner can assist the roommate in learning how to take responsibility, this would be highly beneficial.

It is evident that the roommate is currently in need of an understanding that all individuals engaged in an intimate relationship should accept a certain degree of responsibility. Regardless of the eventual outcome of the relationship, it is crucial for them to acknowledge their role and obligations within the relationship. Should the questioner choose to communicate with the roommate, they may express their acceptance of him and their thoughts, such as, "I am aware that within our relationship, I have caused you some inconvenience and wish to break through the current relationship."

Please elaborate on your expectations regarding the nature of the intimate relationship. How would you respond if the relationship entailed a significant degree of responsibility and obligation?

It is recommended that the questioner seek the assistance of a relationship counselor.

From the questioner's own account, it can be reasonably deduced that the questioner's roommate's problem can be solved through psychological intervention by a professional relationship coach or psychologist. It would be beneficial to describe the roommate's behavioral pattern to these professionals, and if possible, to accompany the roommate to a relationship coach or to request his consent to allow him to go to a psychologist for counseling.

The original poster can be reassured that all interventions are confidential, and thus should communicate honestly with their roommate. Should it be necessary, communication with these professionals should continue until such a point as both parties are able to accept each other's presence and even move beyond the current relationship.

It is recommended that you empathize with your roommate.

In the event that the questioner is able to comprehend the root cause of the roommate's conduct, it is possible for them to develop a sense of empathy towards their boyfriend. This understanding will facilitate the realization that the observed behavior is a consequence of the influence exerted by his family of origin.

In the face of his roommate's current state, the questioner can demonstrate understanding and empathy for him. The questioner can articulate to his roommate that his expectations of intimacy may have caused significant distress and even led to a negative emotional state.

However, I do not blame you, as I am similarly dissatisfied with the current relationship and hope to move forward. While we have enjoyed each other's company, I hope we can all take a step back and consider the relationship in a more objective manner.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner.