Are parents unable to offer support and love, often self-criticizing, and lacking self-identity?

Greetings,

A review of your description suggests a high degree of verisimilitude. For individuals with internal trauma, there is a tendency to seek communication with others, which can result in the introduction of new concerns. This can manifest as a concern about how others will perceive the disclosure.

One might inquire whether one is causing negative problems for others.

The process of healing from psychological trauma is inherently lengthy, and during this period, individuals may experience doubt regarding the efficacy of their own efforts. When confronted with similar circumstances or scenarios in life, these experiences may evoke memories of past distressing events.

This is why some individuals posit that an unhappy childhood can take a lifetime to heal.

It can be stated that you are doing an admirable job. Those who are able to express their emotions in an honest manner are already on the path to self-healing.

In instances where an individual is self-blaming and immersed in painful past events, the following methods may prove beneficial.

(1) Timely self-awareness and safe confiding

From the questioner's description, it is evident that they possess a certain degree of self-awareness. They indicate that they will occasionally confide in someone about their pain and the source of their problems, with the expectation that the other person will understand. Additionally, they perceive themselves as causing trouble for others and as having negative energy.

This may be attributed to an inability to identify suitable individuals with whom to share one's innermost thoughts and feelings, or alternatively, to a lack of trust and understanding from those with whom one has chosen to confide.

I posit that the solution is to identify a secure venue for discourse, whether it be a counselor with whom one has established a rapport or the practice of self-healing through self-expression. This approach allows for a reduction in the amount of concern experienced.

(2) Evaluating our own overall performance at a specific point in time

As previously stated, the process of healing is often iterative. It is not feasible to attain an optimal state of well-being in a single instance.

One can treat each other on a stage-by-stage basis and observe overall progress. For instance, one's concern for the opinions of others may diminish over time. One may treat oneself with a greater degree of kindness today than yesterday, offering oneself a token of appreciation. One may even smile at oneself. When one searches for these behaviors with the eyes of a self-loving individual, one can perceive one's own distinctive beauty.

(3) Self-acceptance

The most effective method for self-love is self-acceptance. When an individual is already experiencing distress and a lack of control, it is counterproductive to add to their suffering.

This process is analogous to the treatment of a cold, whereby the patient takes medication and allows themselves to recuperate. By demonstrating tolerance and acceptance of oneself, one can facilitate a gradual recovery and progress towards a state of well-being.

(4) Reduce expectations of others

Similarly, individuals tend to hold higher expectations of their parents and friends, and when these expectations are not met, they experience disappointment. Conversely, lowering expectations and demonstrating a willingness to accept others' shortcomings can foster gratitude and appreciation.

In instances where expectations of others are not met, it is beneficial to consider whether one can satisfy those expectations oneself. If this is a viable option, it may be advantageous to attempt to do so.

It can be reasonably deduced that individuals who exhibit self-sufficiency tend to experience a heightened sense of control and happiness in their lives.

(5) Distinguish between responsibility

When we are hurt, it is often perceived that the fault lies with others rather than with ourselves. If we consistently assume responsibility for the actions of others, we may subconsciously attribute blame to ourselves and become reluctant to communicate with others.

One can always assert that responsibility lies elsewhere.

This is the extent of my knowledge on the matter, and it is my sincere hope that it proves to be of some assistance.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker.

After reading your question, I put myself in your shoes and thought about your situation. It is indeed very difficult, and I empathize with you.

But we have to keep going.

The reality is that pain is a part of life. It's something we all experience, both now and in the future. Pain is a normal part of life, and being free of it is just a moment in time.

So you'll blame yourself, but you're just one person in the big picture, not particularly noticed by others.

We also need to interact with others. Of course, you might feel like you're a burden to others and that you're not liked. This might be true, because no one likes a complainer. So if you're aware of this, can we ask for help without complaining about fate? Or, there will always be people worse off than others, so take the initiative and help others as well.

It's really valuable to understand that you don't love yourself as much as you could, and that you can change that.

Start loving yourself now. Life is not easy, and we can't always get what we want. But we don't have complete control either. So even if it's just for a minute, say to yourself, "I love you," and pour yourself a glass of water or buy a cup of milk tea. It's true that life is not easy, but we can slowly learn to like ourselves.

Human development is a long process. Don't expect things to suddenly get better, but there's always hope.

I want to say that when you were younger, you didn't have a choice. You couldn't choose your environment or your parents. But now you're growing up, you can choose. You can do so with your wounds and tears, but you can still move towards the life you want.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it's clear that you're ready to make some positive changes! It seems like your parents often attack you, which has led to a lack of self-identity. You also care a lot about what other people think of you and what they say about you, which makes you feel very sad and upset. This has created a vicious cycle. I can empathize with you in this state because I was once like that too!

It's totally normal to feel negative emotions after being influenced by other people's thoughts. But if you feel sad for a long time, it's time to make some positive changes! A poor sense of self-identity can lead to various psychological states. The evaluation of others has a great impact on us. We've all had this experience: when we are sad, we like to pour salt into our wounds. But after that, the more we think about it, the more uncomfortable and sad we feel, which can lead to emotional loss and eventually develop into depression. So let's make some positive changes!

In response to this situation, we have the power to make a change! We can start by doing some thinking exercises in our daily lives. We need to understand that other people are other people, and that other people cannot represent us. Everyone has their own thoughts and the right to express their opinions, but the control is in our own hands. We can always tell ourselves, "I am me, and no one else can decide what I think or do." Forming a habit of thinking like this is actually a very important psychological element.

Become strong and confident! We can correct some of our wrong ideas, such as "I am bad," "I don't deserve love," or "I am not good" or "I am not worthy." Changing these wrong ideas will make our values tend towards a healthy state, or rebuild our values or outlook on life.

If you have too many negative emotions and cannot let go of past psychological trauma, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling or talk it out in the counseling room on the Yi Xinli platform. You can also learn some psychology knowledge, which will help you to become aware of yourself and view problems from a third-party perspective, as well as find the causes. This will enable you to better improve yourself and become a better version of yourself!

I really hope my answer is helpful to you!

Hello, my dear friend!

I'm a heart coach, and I believe that learning is the treasure of the body.

From what you've told me, I can really feel how you're struggling inside. It's so sad to hear how you feel helpless, anxious, worried, and in pain.

I won't go into all the details of your troubles caused by a lack of self-acceptance here, but I'd love to give you three pieces of advice to think about:

I think it would really help you to think back to when you didn't love yourself and were really hard on yourself. What happened then?

You said that you always feel a deep sense of helplessness and anxiety welling up inside, and you can't get rid of it. I know it can be tough! Although you sometimes pour your heart out to others and expect their understanding, it is accompanied by deep self-blame, a feeling that you are causing trouble for others, and a desire not to be a person full of negative energy. You also care about what others think of you, and at the same time you can't love yourself, don't believe in yourself, and always find fault with yourself. So how did you develop such thoughts and behaviors? Because the vast majority of people do not have such a deep sense of helplessness, anxiety, and self-negation.

You said that you experienced two years of bullying at school, and at that time you were afraid to go to the cafeteria. This should be an important reason. It's so sad that their ridicule made you feel that you were not good enough and not worthy of love. Also, you said that your parents, on the contrary, made you despair step by step. It's so hard when you don't have the love and support you need, and it can lead to self-negation and harsh treatment of yourself. This is also an important reason. Can you think of any other reasons?

I'm here to help you think back so you can find the reasons and find a way out of your situation.

Second, I'd like to suggest that you take some time to think about the reasons you've found.

I'm sure this will help you understand yourself and the reality around you better.

To accept yourself, your wonderful self, rationally, you need to do the following four things:

First, remember that you're not the same person you were when you were bullied on campus. You've grown up, gained more knowledge and experience, and learned more ways to protect yourself. So, it's important to recognize these differences.

And if they laugh at you, don't take it personally! It's not because you're not good enough. You are unique and good enough, and worthy of love.

Second, it's important to remember that not all parents are unloving. Many of them just don't know how to show their children love and support.

It's totally normal to feel like your parents should be there for you and show you love and support. Some parents might not know how to do this, though. This is because they may have also been neglected by their parents in this way. They don't understand that good parents should give their children enough support and love, especially when the children are frustrated.

Third, it's important to remember that while it's great to get a pat on the back from others, it's even better to give yourself a big thumbs-up!

In your description, you said that you don't want to cause trouble for others, but you long to be recognized by them, so you care a lot about what they think. This is totally normal and important! The desire to be recognized is one of the basic needs of human beings. However, it's so important to recognize yourself, too, because if you keep revolving around other people's opinions, you might lose sight of who you really are.

And there's more! Opening up to a good friend has a healing effect. If you're ready to share your thoughts with someone you trust, they'll be happy to have you. They'll listen, understand, and support you.

Fourth, remember that the first step to becoming a better person is to accept and approve of yourself.

It's wonderful that you want to become a better person and become strong, kind, and carefree! However, becoming a better person doesn't depend on denying yourself and constantly attacking yourself. It can be hard to become a better person because you don't have the energy to do the things that will make you a better person, and instead you spend all your energy picking yourself apart. The good news is that you can become a better person by accepting and approving of yourself! It may sound contradictory, but it's the truth because change is based on allowing for the possibility of not changing.

When you look at it this way, you can start to feel better.

I really think you should focus on yourself for a while and think about what you can do to feel better.

When you think about the reasons you've found, you might even know what to do! At this point, you focus on yourself and try your best to do well.

For example, you can have a heart-to-heart with your parents. Start sentences with "I" more often and talk about your feelings. This way, you can let them know you'd love their support and love. I think it's very likely that they'll change, because they may not realize their actions hurt you. When they change, you'll also feel better.

When you think about being teased in the past, you can say to yourself, "I've grown up, it was their fault, I shouldn't punish myself for their mistakes, I am now very likely capable of dealing with my concerns." Repeat this to yourself as often as you can, and you'll see your mood gradually improve!

It's also a great idea to focus on all the wonderful things about yourself. We all have them, and you're no exception! When you recognize all your amazing qualities, you'll feel more confident, and that'll make you feel great!

You can also ask others when you talk to them if you are causing them trouble. You'll be happy to know that these thoughts are just imaginary in your mind and are not true. Moreover, they may also tell you about their troubles and worries. At this time, you'll feel even better when you realize that you are also valuable to them.

You can also focus on your weaknesses, accept what you can't change, and work on what you can. When you make a conscious effort to improve yourself, your mood will naturally improve, and you'll be closer to becoming the person you want to be. This is about self-acceptance and loving yourself, and it's a journey that requires action.

I really hope my answer helps! If you'd like to chat some more, just click on 'Find a coach for an online conversation' at the bottom and I'd be happy to have a one-on-one chat with you.

Hello, questioner!

I'm curious about what stage of life you're currently experiencing. From your narrative, it seems like you have a high level of self-awareness.

For instance, if you can recognize your inner struggles and your need for love, while also actively working on becoming a better person, I think these are all great qualities!

You say you want to be a positive and cheerful person, but at the same time you also look forward to others understanding you and feel vulnerable.

We all have moments when we're vulnerable. When you choose to confide in someone, it's true that the other person has to shoulder some of your emotions and needs at such times, but I think it's also based on a good level of trust between you. For other people, being needed is also a very good experience. So whether or not someone "finds it troublesome" is their business, and your problem is that you're unable to accept such a self.

I've been in your shoes, so I'm happy to share some of my experiences with you.

Try to be more accepting of yourself.

Maybe we haven't been loved the way we needed to be in the past, and that's why we have problems with ourselves and with life in general. It's normal to feel vulnerable sometimes and to need the support of others, or to find it difficult to get back on our feet after setbacks. It's like a driver who has not yet learned to drive and is already on the road.

We have to give ourselves permission to feel this way, and then work out how to feel better.

The choice of environment is yours.

A lot of our lives is spent at work, so the content and environment of our work affects us all the time. I want to do what I like, so I chose a career in my field of interest when I could.

I've also made a lot of friends who are like-minded.

Doing work that we're good at and that we identify with can really boost our self-confidence and make us feel like our value is recognized.

If you're in the right circles, there's a good chance you'll meet friends you can hang out with. Colleagues and friends are great sources of support.

If you're struggling to make friends at work, why not try expanding your social circle in your hobby groups?

Finding the right environment for growing up can help us establish the right values and improve our cognitive abilities.

At the same time, we can change ourselves from the inside out by continuously learning and being aware of ourselves.

Patience is a virtue.

Even though I've since chosen a job I like and even have a boyfriend, I still have moments of insecurity and low self-esteem.

The good news is that as I keep doing the right things and building up a good track record, I've been able to discover my strengths, understand what I'm good at and prove it through practice. As a result, my confidence has grown and I'm now more confident in solving problems than before.

Life is about dealing with problem after problem, and there are plenty of people who are better than us. But if you're open to discovering and believing, you'll become more and more aware that you're not that good, but you're definitely not bad.

It's not just outstanding people who deserve love. Love is about understanding and doing the right thing for yourself. I highly recommend the course "How to Love Yourself" by teacher Lin Fan. This course is very meaningful to me and is considered an important enlightenment course in my life. I hope you'll find it helpful too!

I'm a smart person, and I love the world. Thanks for reading!